Give me your hand
SCBB 2023
Kara just wants to protect Lena, but when has it ever been that simple. Over the course of one night, Lena and Kara let fear and ghosts unravel as they learn how to hold onto each other again.
Read it here or on AO3
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I had the unexpected chance to write something else for this year's @supercorpbb and I am so excited for you all to see the art that was the reason I was expected to say yes to the opportunity! Please go take a look and send some love to @guessimreallyhere
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Lena sighs, rolling onto her back as she listens to the raindrops ping off the windows before they made their way to the pavement below, the monotonous rhythm making the city feel heavy and frantic despite the late hour and stillness of the streets. Her fingers trace the path of the fading bruises and angry red lines of shallow cuts that stood in stark contrast to her pale skin—every mark on her body, a testament to the cruel irony of the unforgiving laws of motion.
It had been an almost tragedy in three acts.
The burst of heat that came first, the explosion that came after, but like always — never quite the fall.
Only Kara.
Her body in front of her.
Her cape spread around her.
Her weight pressed against her.
One body in motion meeting another not.
And how many times must Kara have caught her in the same way?
Held her in the same way?
But the universe does not concern itself with those kinds of odds.
And so the fall did come, after all, just in a different way.
Lena could still feel the ghost of her arms around her. She winces as she recalls the sound of her ribs cracking under the impact of them. But the physical pain was nothing compared to the anguished look on Kara's face when she realized what had happened — the frantic look in her eyes, the trembling in her hands, the breathless apologies that slipped out over and over and over through lungs that couldn't hold enough air to keep up.
She turns and glances at the clock— 11:50pm — she wonders how it was possible it could be the same day still, time feeling as fragmented as the rest of her. Swinging her legs over the edge of the bed, she feels the ache of her body and the deeper pain of something else. She pulls a coat over the sweater that hung loose from her shoulders, the smell of sun-drenched wool and worn leather mixing with the heady scent of rain and asphalt as she stepped outside.
----
Kara's knees buckled as she landed heavily, the floor creaking beneath her, her breaths coming in ragged gasps. She pressed her shaking hands hard enough against her ears until she could almost forget the sound of Lena's body hitting hers.
Too hard.
Too fast.
She had been too slow.
Too uncontrolled.
And she should have stayed.
But didn't.
Couldn't.
So she left.
Ran.
Flew.
She flew so fast the city underneath had blurred, luminous smears streaking across her vision like stars disappearing until they became indistinguishable from every other bit of sky and stars and empty expanse of space she ever found herself in. Maybe she's disappearing again too. Maybe she never came back. Maybe she shouldn't have come back.
"I'm sorry," she whispered over and over and over. "I'm sorry," her broken voice matching the hurried but steady rhythm of Lena's distant heart, promising her at least one more chance.
But how many times had she saved the world, only to fail again and again at protecting one single person in it, the same single person in it?
How many more chances could there be?
The cape on her shoulders felt heavy and cumbersome.
The sigil on her chest pressed in against her lungs.
It felt hard to breathe with them on.
Hard to stay standing.
She tore and pulled at them both until they lay in a pile on the floor.
What good had they done anyway?
She sank down beside them.
What good had she been anyway?
----
Lena pulls the key to Kara's apartment from the patterned groove it had worn into her pocket; the edges softened a little by its use over the past weeks.
But unlike the quiet that used to greet her, that only ever felt empty, this quiet was overwhelming, like it had a weight to it.
Pieces of Kara's suit littered the floor, rain pooling under the heavy fabric.
"Kara?" Lena whispered as she moved into the room.
"Don't!" Kara's choked sob broke the imprint of stillness.
Lena could barely see her pressed against the shadows.
"Don't," Kara said again, almost a plea, quieter, softer, but no less desperate. Her shoulders trembled, the hands knotted in her hair and around her knees, trying to hold herself together. She looked as if she had been put away in pieces, too.
Slowly, she lifted her head, her eyes meeting Lena's for the briefest of moments before she looked away, tears glistening on her cheeks. "I can't," her voice raw with pain. "I hurt you — I always hurt you."
Lena kneels down next to her, her hands and her heart, aching to prove her wrong.
"I think we've both done our share of hurting each other."
"I just want to protect you, but instead, every time, every single time, I just..." Kara murmurs, her breath hitching in her chest as she fights to keep the panic at bay.
"You did protect me," Lena cuts her off gently. The words you 'you always have' left for another time, another conversation.
"These hands," she said, reaching towards her slowly.
Kara's gaze flitts between Lena's eyes and her hands.
"They're not going to hurt me," Lena assures her. "Trust me," her fingers brush against Kara's arm, the contact fleeting but grounded with intention, "trust that I know what I can bear."
"You shouldn't have to bear it." Kara looks away, her hand twitching, open and close, open and close.
"Kara," Lena reaches for her hand,"...can I just..." fingers brushing against trembling skin.
Kara closes her eyes, and gently, Lena draws both their hands up, fingers laced together.
She had become familiar with Kara's touch. With its strength. With its warmth. Its gentleness. Its tenderness. It is a wonder that her hands alone never gave her away. But it has been a long time since they have been close in that way, have let themselves be close in that way, were allowed to be close in that way.
She had missed it — missed her.
Had ached to see if was still as she remembered it.
It is.
She remembers it again in the gentleness of fingertips that lift her chin, tilting her jaw to ease away the purple and blue edges blooming under her skin. Feels it again in the warmth of her palms as they press just under the hem of her shirt and across the skin they find there.
"Even after everything I've done?" Kara asks, her voice cracking under the weight of guilt and doubt, and every other ghost lay bare. "Even after all the pain I've caused?"
"Hey, look at me," Lena urges gently, her fingers curling around Kara's wrists to draw her gaze upward, pulling Kara's focus back to her.
"It's not your decision. I choose to bear it because I choose you. Just like you bear everything for me...choose me." Lena replies firmly, her gaze never wavering from Kara's tear-streaked face.
"Okay," she whispers, the word fragile. "Together."
"Always," Lena vows.
----
Slowly, Kara's hands become her own again.
When they do, she reaches up once more.
Gently, she brushes a strand from Lena's face, tucking it behind her ear. Her finger lingering, tracing one more time the line of Lena's jaw. They stay a little longer this time, and she can feel the way Lena turns into the touch, the way she lets her head fall just a little into her hand. She thinks maybe it says something about the irrationality of the universe that one of the heaviest things she has ever carried would fit so perfectly into her palm.
"You're cold," she murmurs, more fact than question, feeling for the first time the small shivers and flecks of rain on Lena's skin.
Lena nods, the movement barely perceptible, and something unspoken passes between them – a quiet understanding, a shared vulnerability.
And with a gentle determination, Kara does the thing she wished she had hours ago. She takes care of her. She leans in just a little first, reaches out slowly, gives Lena time to pull away or maybe herself to, but neither of them do. Kara slips her arms around her then, one threading itself under her knees and the other around her back, and as she stands Lena curls towards the warmth of her chest.
Together, they move through the dimly lit room and Kara sets her on the edge of the bed.
"Let me get you something to wear" she says softly, turning around to pull out a heavy sweatshirt and a pair of soft cotton boxers. Lena winces slightly at the pull on her bruised ribs as she lifts her arms up to take them and Kara's brow creases with concern.
"Do you? C-can I?" she tries to get the words to settle into any one question.
"Just the sweater maybe."
Their hands work together once more, easing the slightly damp sweater over Lena's head.
She's slow and careful still, will always be careful with Lena, the word itself repeating over and over with every brush of a hand against chilled skin, with every trace of fingertips along the small scars she found both old and new.
She didn't realized she had stopped, her thumb running back and forth, back and forth, over one small scar at the base of Lena's collarbone, until the lilt of Lena's voice breaks through.
"Hey. You with me still?"
Kara looks at the scar, but it's not guilt that settles in her stomach, it's something else.
"I won't always be able to protect you."
And this was a different kind of confession altogether. Because even if Kara could protect Lena from her, there was a whole world set against them too.
"No, no you won't."
Lena puts the sweatshirt down in her lap and places her hand over Kara's chest instead.
"But I won't always be able to protect you either."
Kara looks down at the sweatshirt again, notices the faded MIT logo, realizes that she wasn't the one who put it in her drawer, places it instead in her mind among the other peices of Lena she had been finding in her apartment since she'd been back. Little hints of how the world had moved without her in it, the people that came and went. Those that stayed.
She lifts Lena's hand off of her chest. Presses a kiss to her palm before letting it back down.
She turns away to give Lena privacy, feeling a gentle tug on her arm when she was done changing.
"Lay down with me" she asks, but it isn't really a question.
Kara nods all the same, the mattress dipping under their weight, but it settles quickly, as do they. It's odd to feel so still in the aftermath of so much motion.
"I like that your hands are always so warm," Lena said, her voice barely more than a breath. "I missed that."
"Really?" Kara asks, her heart swelling at the admission.
"Really," Lena affirms, her own hand coming up to cover Kara's where it rests against her cheek. "I always noticed it, but then we weren't close anymore and then you were gone. So it's... it's a reminder that you came back, but also that I am close enough to know that about you again."
Kara lets her forehead rest against Lena's, breathing in the comforting scent of her. The rain that still clings lightly to her hair, dampening Kara's shirt, but she doesn't mind. She would ruin every part of herself long before she let go of her again.
"It was always cold there. I don't um, I don't usually feel cold here, but there, it was always cold. And dark. And the darkness could have been okay I think, after everything, it's something that I've learned to carry with me, but the cold just never went away. I still feel it sometimes. When something goes wrong, or when I worry something isn't real, my hands get cold and there's this moment where I'm sure I'm there again."
Lena brings her hand up resting it over Kara's heart as she tucks herself into Kara's side just a little further.
Kara releases a shaky breath, focusing on the sensation of Lena's touch. Any cold quickly receding.
"You're here."
"I'm here." She confirms, tightening her hold on Lena, drawing her in, before pulling back just a little, brushing her thumb over her cheek.
"And you're here."
Lena's eyes flutter shut at the contact, hands coming up to grasp loosely at the front of Kara's shirt.
"I am."
And the world, with all its uncertainty and ceaseless motion, seemed to be held back, at least for one night, by that one piece of tangible proof.
----
Kara had laid awake all night, daring the darkness to try and take this from her, too. But it was dawn now, and there was nothing left to fight. Lena was still there. She could still feel where her fingers had passed through the ends of her hair, could still feel where she had left kisses pressed into her skin, could feel the weight of her head laid across her chest and the warmth of her body next to hers.
There had been no ghosts to chase away that morning. There was only Lena. Nothing but Lena. Nothing but Lena's hand as it slid along her ribs, nothing but her hair as it brushed her bare skin, nothing but her breath against her ear. Nothing and everything tethered together. She realizes then she was clinging to Lena, her arm trembling to keep her close. As if to say to gravity and anyone else that they couldn't have her yet. But when Kara looks up at the corners of the room; they were bright in a way that hadn't quite reached the rest of the room yet, like the world too was giving them just a little more time together before the rest of it demanded their attention.
And she would have lied there just like that until it did. If not for the gentle press of a kiss against her cheek.
Kara tilts her head down to look at Lena, who was staring back at her with a soft smile.
"Good morning," Lena whispers, her voice still heavy with sleep.
Kara's eyes trace the morning light spreading across the healing bruises on her skin and in the flecks of gold in her eyes.
"Good morning," Kara replies, her voice barely above a whisper still weary of the world pressing in and still hesitant about her ability to keep it out, to protect Lena from it and her and all the other things that could cause her harm.
"Cold?" Lena asks, running her fingers through Kara's disheveled locks, pushing them out of her face. The question heavy with what it really asked.
"No." Kara shakes her head, cupping Lena's cheek, her thumb running over the delicate skin.
"How about you?"
Lena reaches across and takes Kara's other hand threading their fingers together and holding their joined hands up for Kara to see.
"Never with you"
Kara sits up, pulling Lena gently onto her lap. She runs her hands along the bruises she could see and the ones she couldn't. If she couldn't always protect her then she could at least always be there to take care of her. And for all the times she hadn't before, she lets herself in that moment ask forgiveness. Lets her body and her hands and the gentle press of lips say all the things she should have all along.
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