#she's doing awful things to my brain

[transgenderfivepebbles]

gebura with dong-hwan's key page giving me strains of covid unknown to man

#ramblings #sorry mutuals i'm . losing it. attractive women in my computer you know how it is #project moon meticulously designing every character to make me unbearably ill #in other news little red is annoying #gebura though;.;..;.;;;;;;; hhhhhgggggggg #hiii hi hello ma'am #she's doing awful things to my brain #her with that open collared shirt on dong-hwan's page. i am UNWELL #for the love of god can anyone hear me #i need to be put down right this moment

[thyfleshc0nsumed]

Pansy-Leatherwork.com

#a few things that bother me about this video: #1. i am a god awful impact dom #2. the hankeys on my right. i was like actually working in the shop right before this and using it to wipe sweat and #this was shot kinda on a whim so like brain was on logistics and filming mode not 'wheres my sweat rag' #3. the videos hot but is constructed weirdly cuz this was shot to be posted as an ig reel to promo my leather so that goal ingluenced what #we did and shot. also fuckin 16:9 #anyway i fucking love this video #dyke #leatherdyke #leatherfag #t4t #butchfemme #butch/femme #butch femme #bd/sm kink #i think its so funny that were doing this stuff on the reg but we dont even like kiss and stuff #like its just friendship and also shes my ashtray

[spaciebabie]

shoutout 2 this person in my class who i can tell wants 2 talk 2 me really bad but instead of doing that whenever she has the chance she'll talk 2 whoever else is around and ignore me entirely unless im mentioned by name

#bruh lmao #so awkward. say something you dingus lol #ik you wanna talk 2 me so bite the bullet already #gyatt #spacie spoinks #literally. she was having a conversation with my partner for the project im doing. and like #heres the thing #if im not invited into conversation i usually dont participate #im like a vampire like that #and so like. after they're done conversating she'll just kind of. stand there. this has happened twice now #like dude sdkfjshlkdfj #im not upset by this behavior i have very awful social patterns as well and have been thru this (i am autistic) #am i gonna hafta say something. lol #probably #''hey bro whats up with you. i dont mean like how are you doing. i mean like. whats wrong with you.'' #cant say that its not funny when you say it irl only when the ppl you're talking with know you're not being mean 😭 #also like. this person has been staring at me lol #which like. makes me flustered so whenever she's around i panic and my face fucking turns red its god awful #for awhile it made uhh. my paranoia get really bad im ngl!! #its already bad when it comes 2 being around strangers but this like made it REALLY bad for a few weeks #im more calm now tho. rational brain won over and im chillin #i gotta work up the courage 2 say something b4 the semester is over or this is gonna bother me for the rest of my life sfkjsdhflkjs #i dont wanna put her on the spot #the only time i see her is when im in class #and . doing that interaction in front of ppl. i dont wanna embarrass her ksjfskjd

[batfamhyperfixation]

Imagine if Tim "Public Figure and CEO of Wayne Enterprises" Drake had to take his boyfriend Bernard "Agent of Chaos (I swear, no pun intended)" Dowd on a PR-suggested interview after the public finds out they are dating, like-

Interviewer: And what is your favorite pastime, Bernard?

Bernard, who swore before the interview that he would not say anything that would make either of them look bad or cause a controversy: watching Tim read conservapedia and get angry

#my friends the queer experience is merely reading conservapedia and being amuzed by how hilariously awful it is before shoving it in the #face of your most easily upsetable queer friend and watching them read it. one of my friends was so angry she wrote rebuttals to every #point all in one sitting. #tim would be like aww bernard is in a bad mood i gotta overreact to cheer him up then he would promptly forget that when he reads #that the earth was created 6000 years ago and dinos and humans lived at the same time. he would promptly lose his shit. not to mention #their homosexual agenda page like i swear it is so awful it's actually funny cause you're sitting there like this has gotta be a satire #the entire website is just the funniest thing i have ever read #tim and Bernard will randomly joke about it usually like 'whats on the agenda today' or the 'gee brain what do ya wanna to do today?' #and then the other will start quoting stuff from conservapedia but they dont tell people its quoted so people are getting concerned #tim drake #bernard dowd #timber #timbern

[mihrsuri]

I’m catching up on stuff (thank you for bearing with during this delay due to Brain). Also dental discussion in tags + abuse mention. I am also pondering which treat(s) to get for getting through:

New Leigh Bardugo book

Other???? (I was thinking a bookish candle but the shipping cost for the Thayet Candle is So Much even if I adore it.

#lil and her boring life #also i was like ‘which option for this dental thing is the least worst�� (they are all horrible) #(lovely dentist! she is lovely! it’s just all going to be horrible) #(i thought out ‘being knocked out for procedure and my brain was just Not Having It) #(it’s also not having ‘going through with getting tooth pulled’ but that’s marginally less awful) #(i have a cracked tooth with infection basically) #(it’s not a pain thing it’s a csa related thing) #i don’t want to do it i don’t it’s just dissociation theatre and not even in a protective way

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#yet again i fail to convince my counselor i have executive function problems. mostly its bc i dont think well in the moment but also i just #feel kinda weird rn so i was having trouble making my thoughts connect. but i swear to christ i do have problems making my executives #function. i think the issue is im a grad student so i do well in school. not that it matters bc i kno loads of grad students with pretty #god awful adhd. one of my former lab mates was like. Adderall barely made her normal. and yet she was still a phd student #so like. its possible to have executive function issues as a grad student. the problem with me is the obsessive thoughts and self #destructive behavior so to her it sounds like im telling myself that i cant get my brain to work unless i put myself under extreme pressure #rather than i cant get my brain to work so to cope im putting myself under extreme pressure bc if i dont nothing gets done #but like fucking if i try to relax i dont do things. i cant clean my kitchen or my room or take out the trash or do my laundry #and im not like not doing it bc i dont wanna. these things r causing me active distress but i cant flip the switch that makes them happen #ive gotta write a grant proposal. read a paper. and find a paper to discuss by tomorrow morning. i had time to do all of this before but i #didnt do it. y didnt i do it? fucking i dont kno. ugh. whatever. i got refered to a psychiatrist so well see what happens there #i did accidentally set the meeting to when i meet with my advisor tho. oops. also my counselor said it sounds like im a rat running on a #wheel. which is accurate but also a really fucking funny thing to have said abt u. ur r a scrawny neglected lil rat. boohoo. #idk what type of medication she thinks i should b on. like what symptom r we trying to exhaust? the 0cd or the mood issues? #i dont even kno what the issue is. not that i guess it matters. idk. i need to read and write. fucking hell #unrelated

[intriga-hounds]

i wasn’t thinking and blindly accepted when milo’s owner asked if i could watch him thru the weekend and now my sister and i are in hell rotating dogs in and out of Horny Jail…

luckily even tho ponzu is at the zenith of her whoredom rn, they’re both being really chill and nothing has been a real problem. fingers crossed it stays that way. worst case scenario, i send milo to his owner’s dad’s house but if he stays chill i might just keep him thru boofest bc he’s kinda chunky anyway and i can try to trim him down just a little.

#text #heat #i keep just like. forgetting she can make babies. #it’s awful i know #i haven’t done anything truly disastrous yet but GOD i keep being like #let’s go to the park ponzu! #let’s go to the beach! #let’s go to a playdate with an intact boy! #obviously i haven’t done any of those things #but it always takes me a second to be like #wait she’s a babyslut rn #i do not think this is how oopses normally happen for people #but my toxic trait is that ADHD is why it would happen to me #i have no brain cells #literally at confo class i was telling everyone she was in heat so they’d stay away #bc i will 1000% space out and just like. let her hit the end of the leash. #bc I’m a fuckin moron #most definitely i will need the pipmoms to stop me from just seeing the pen of playing silkens at boofest and being like OH THAT LOOKS FUN #RUN FREE PONZU #god

[milo-is-rambling]

Anyone else got that praise only feels good coming from people who don’t know you thing or is it just me?

#like. therapist I’ve talked to. once. says smthing nice. and my brain explodes with joy. someone I’ve worked with regularly in theater says #something nice and I’m like aw that’s sweet thanks. #do I think my therapist is hot. oh god is that part of this. she could rail me. nope nope nope #fanfic rotting my brain. just also. hot middle aged woman with glasses and slightly greying curly hair. 💍 #literally haven’t even talked to her in person. BE NORMAL #I’m going to launch myself into the sun I cannot have a crush on my therapist #I’ll be normal. ignore all of this. unless it comes up again. but for now ignore it it’s fine we’re ignoring it #really I just need to get laid and that’s the whole thing it’s not about therpist or praise or anything I just need to get fucked

[candycryptids]

Every time I go out to make a character that is so Cis and Normal I rub my gay agender queer poly little hands all over it and suddenly it’s- well.

#listen the only thing stopping me from dumping a huge thing about my OC’s genders is that 1) I don’t think people actually care and it’s #a dampener on my motivation and 2) I’d wanna do stupid screenshots for them all about it and that’s a lot of brain power I’m struggling #to access just now. but. maybe /)~(\ #I just keep thinking about Chuu. like. do people know? (they don’t) #(She’s ‘cis’ because it’s convenient and she doesn’t care to explore her own gender but if she did she’d find out about It/It’s pronouns and #decide AW SICK. and be a She/They/It. in the way a Machine is an It.)

[piplupod]

whyyyyy do people think disordered eating is healthyyyyyyy i am going to explode myself soon i cannot live around these people any more my god

#i dont even want to say what all was said lol it's so fucked up #maybe I'll just go back to starving myself and becoming more underweight just to earn mothers approval (sarcasm) #actually u know what. even if i did that she'd probably get angry at me for it lmao she'd be pissed that I'd be losing weight when she isnt #I CANNOT TAKE MUCH MORE OF THIS IM HAVING SUCH A HARD TIME #THESE PEOPLE ARE SO FUCKING AWFUL #I WANT OUT OF HERE I REALLY DO #I dont know how to cope w this honestly #i keep trying to twist things to be tolerable but jesus fucking christ the ED is starting to rear its head again #theyre just so fucking mean and stupid and fatphobic and i have to spend so much time around them #its impossible to block out #i keep finding myself thinking i dont need to eat veggies bc ''theyre basically poison'' and im just ARRGHHH #GET OUT OF MY HEAD PLEASEEEE I DONT WANT TO BE THINKING LIKE THIS #idk how to cope w this bc i HAVE the science disproving them and I've spent time undoing fatphobia in my own brain #and my family just keeps setting back my progress bc it is impossible to block them out entirely #i want to crawl out of my skin and jump into a deep lake and never resurface #im so tired of this all and idk what to do. tearing my hair out a little bit #pippen needs 2nd breakfast #fatphobia tw #dieting tw #ed tw #ask to tag

[blueish-bird]

sorry if I don’t remember your name or conversations/experiences or basic things about myself, every few weeks my brain gets factory reset and I have to relearn how to be alive

#lighthearted but also serious bc what is going on here buddy #been feeling weird as hell these past few months #like I can remember some stuff… but it doesn’t feel normal to forget the names of anyone I haven’t seen/heard the name of in a few days #or forget about basic interests and personality traits and experiences and feel like a blank slate every day #idk like ultimately life goes on and I’m happy to live in the moment but it would be nice to understand why my brain is doing this #just thinking #meposting #I think my brain just. does this sometimes when I’m stressed. which is annoying #I recall (lmao) feeling similar during earlier parts of life so this isn’t *new* it’s just unexpected and much more disruptive as an adult #I’m feeling better about it than I was. after like. acknowledging it. bc my mind has not always felt like a sieve it isn’t always this bad. #whatever #I’ll tag as dissociation just in case it’s related/reminiscent and ppl don’t want to see that #dissociation #me and her go way back… haven’t seen each other in years though #she wasnt all bad! coping mechanisms can provide relief and a sense of safety #and as far as coping mechanisms go it’s not the most unhealthy. though it ranks high in ‘socially stunting’ #I kind of miss the distance sometimes to be honest everything’s just So Much all the time #I’m so solid now #so stuck in the ruts of capitalism #fuck capitalism #I wish my imagination didn’t feel so dulled #sorry I love talking #and I don’t miss dissociation when I feel mentally present because I feel so Here with the people and things I love but rn? #it’s like a lose-lose bc I am not Here nor am I untethered. I’m heavy yet hold nothing #I enjoy being dramatic/poetic about it — I feel pretty fine. I just hope this isn’t a permanent and/or long-term state of existence. #like it makes me awful at my job I went from remembering a solid amount of the student body’s names (built up over a few years) to. like 5. #overnight it felt like. like Stressful Thing happened and I went to work and I couldn’t remember anyone’s names. #can’t believe I have to start from fucking scratch AGAIN I’d be better off quitting and working at a different school #bc at least then my lack of knowledge/remembering is justified rather than strange and seemingly rude #I’m getting better now but at the beginning of this it was blue screen in my brain all the time

[deiscension]

Did you guys know I love taking emotional damage

#tbd #ueueueue........ shi siblings...... out here relishing meru90 art like a fatass koi being handfed pellets #i was babbling to tsun a day or two ago about the sibs. swd specifically but sib dynamic... so many thoughts about it #swd. what a guy (derogatory) (affectionate) (repulsed) (awed) (said like a scientist inspecting a specimen) #the problem is he would do everything for her and she's not worth it. the problem is she's worth it to him so what the fuck else matters #the problem is he did everything for them and she understood she wasn't worth it. #the problem is he was capable of anything but decency or remorse. the problem is those are the only to things she was capable of in the end #the problem is the older takes care of the younger. #the problem is she was born. essentially. #the solution to the problem never should've been what came of that. yet here we are! #swd belovedloathed. ur swag really was too different. ur smoke too tough. u had no bitches but they would've been too bad. #am i making sense. is this anything. anyway. anyway. #my brain's cooked after the events of this weekend but by god i will write even if it kills me

[look-at-the-stars-tonight]

I ran this morning AND wrote some AND made art and I’m so proud of me

#didn’t get any of my actual office work done oopsies #but in my defense it’s a Friday and also I did allot time for it I just ended up not doing it #anyways still proud of me!!! guys art is so so important and I know that and I preach that but I haven’t been doing it #and I just picked up a blank sheet of paper and did it #and is it good or anatomically correct? no but it was so FUN #and I’ve been working thought Tim Clare’s writing stuff and it’s been GOOD #I like this new series of exercises a lot better than the couch to 80k #they’re. the same honestly and I don’t actually care about his commentary all that much #maybe I’m just more present or more invested in them #I only ran for 15. min and then I had to call my brother to pick me up because the heat was gonna make me pass out :/ #but also I TRIED #I fucking tried today #also did u know running is utterly miserable. #runners high is def a thing #felt amazing afterward #but holy shit it’s awful in the moment #my roommate ran a 25k recently and I talked to her about it and she said it never gets better #which is. not very encouraging #but also I Want To run as much of this 5k as I can #maybe I’ll be dead after but it’s fine I have a couple days to recuperate before the eclipse #WHICH IM ALSO EXCITED SBOIT. I’ve never seen a total eclipse before #goddamit my brain jumped to too many places #delete later #anyways. if u didn’t u should acknowledge ur accomplishments today #even if they didn’t feel like much #now I’m gonna go read a 115k fanfic that’s gonna wreck me #that’s my treat to me #I HAVE ACTUAL BOOKS TO FINISH. but NO. THIS is how I’m spending my time. and it’s fine I’m valid #I’ve been talking to all the lesbians about running too #and they’ve been so encouraging too!! I love my coworkers and very distantly related coworkers sm

[comfortstars]

no actually. Can I be honest for a second. I know I said I wasn't gonna talk about it anymore but idgaf

#AGAIN detransitioning is absolutely okay!!! i have absolutely nothing against that. it's totally fine that you figured out that simply #didn't work for you #i NEED to make it clear there's nothing wrong w detransition #the thing that makes me feel so uneasy about this specific case is that she told us she was doing it BECAUSE she became #a christian again #not becasue she simply figured herself out. but i don't know what's going on inside her brain maybe she did i have no idea #but the way she said just #made me feel like she now thinks being queer is a 'sin' again #and also she was one of the only people i could talk about my dysphoria with #and it hurts. it fucking hurts man #i feel so alone and like i will never be able to escape my past with this religion that i want nothing to do with anymore #i respect my friends and their beliefs. im not asking them to change them #it's just that. im afraid of being The Queer One #and that they only pretend to accept me #i know its not the case for all of them. one of them is my childhood best friend and she supports me wholeheartedly #so does this other friend that i think is the only other non-christian here. even though he doesn't fully understand it #he's still supportive #it's not like they're all awful or something. No! theyre my friends and i love them! #i just feel. alone yknow. about this specifically #and afraid #Anyway Rant Over #lennie.personal #negative

[opens-up-4-nobody]

Boruto things that made me lose my mind (ep 94-119):

I like how none of the kids from the original naruto teams are friends as adults lmao

Chocho: how could my mom love my dad? It has to be his ravenous appetite

Kakashi @ sasuke: lol u r so bad at bonding with ur daughter *proceeds to give him terrible advice*

Kakashi telling sasuke how to interact with his daughter: use a soft and loving voice. When you talk to naruto- (ok stop, let's appreciate your line of throught right there)

Sasuke @ sarada: I wanted to be hokage once (and babygirl that was one of your top 10 most fucking batshit insane moments)

OK the cursed marks apparently use genetic manipulation, which is odd and really interesting. I assume it works like a virus, inserting and expressing foreign... demonic? DNA. Weird.

Why are all anime scientists evil?

Karin: time to torch all these cursed geese 🔥 Sarada: no, stand back, I'll do it myself 😠

The more they say Karin is not sarada's mother, the less I believe it

...a goose they said was genetically incapable of flying flew away... fucking what? Just tying hard in exactly the same way as everyone else is not how you overcome genetic disadvantages like that????

Why all this moralizing abt kindness toward animals? This is a show where kids beat the shit out of eachother and murder ppl. Can we focus on not doing that maybe???

Orochimaru: hm looks like mitsuki is becoming too gay, we may have to delete all his memories 😔

Kakashi: why dont u wanna believe in ghosts? Mirai: if ghosts are real, why hasn't my dad visited me? (Hey kakashi, this would b a good time to tell her abt the time u spent literally dead? No? Ok cool)

THE CULT OF JASHIN?! HAHAHA. Losers.

Why tf do they even hold the chunin exams? Just promote ppl based on merit like they literally just did with shikadai??? (Historically its bc ppl like watching death matches)

The commercialization of the shinobi within the village makes me wanna spit and bite

Houki abt kakashi: the one who nourished lord 7th 😤 (is that really true tho? I mean he did his best but team 7 was a clusterfuck)

Konohamaru: there is no shortcut to becoming hokage! (Yeah sure but there is huge favoritism toward those trained by the previous hokage...)

Boruto: people aren't in love unless they overtly say it (I love to image this is how Boruto sees how ppl feel abt everything and that's y he's so loud and blunt abt things)

Random village: we stave off a demon by joining two bloodlines in an act of incest ✌️

Konohamaru, casually: my grandpa died by entering a deal with an entity beyond human comprehension 🤷‍♂️

#back on my naruto bullshit 🤪 #i just lost my mind at the hot springs thing and rage quit. it just makes me furious on so many levels #bc they obviously arent training the shinobi correctly???? like they dont seem to do any field training??? hello??? #i dont understand. also why has no one sat down with mirai and been like: let me tell u abt ur dad #its bc no ones friends anymore so no one ever sees her so shes like idk jack abt my dad lil #whatever. also in ep120 himawari @ boruto is like: Grandpa is gonna b mad abt u not camping with us #and all i could think was: aw hima fuck ur grandpa!!! bc i have successi0n brain lmao #anyway this was a lotta bullshit in these episodes #i think a lot was supposed to b fan service but it just made me mad hahaha get back to the plot pls #i get so mad at the characters and then boruto comes back onscreen and im like: oh there u r my son #and that is not the reaction i anticipated when i started this show lol. i cannot deny i am a boruto apologist #boruto #naruto #naruto ramblings #i cut out everytime i told one of the kids to shut the fuck up bc it was a lot

[crucified-bloodhound]

my middle name is so fucking cool i am SO changing it to my last name (fuck my dad) when i legally transition. and it's my mom's maiden name and she's fucking cool so it's even better (fuck my dad).

#my mom is not perfect but she loves me fiercely when she shows it all at once #and i can tell she supports me but just has the old day idea that artists are always jobless #she is working thru a lot of the bigotry that was popular in the 90s midwest but she has gotten so much better #and shes a cool as fuck nurse who gets put thru so much by brain injury patients that have no idea theyre hurting people #like the mindfuck that must be to have someone do awful things to u and still treat them #she is so emotionally strong #jackie rants #about its mom this time