#shoutout to this one time i crossed paths w/this kid who was at the time probably like late middle school early high school age | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

zoemurph · 6 years

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to have a friend, chapter seven: $146

on ao3 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6

surprise! update!! woo!!!! happy thanksgiving to any americans out there, happy thursday to everyone else~

btw this happens the DAY AFTER the last chapter. cool thanks

warnings: discussion of self harm. from "“Oh.” Evan picks at his nails" to "Evan finds himself drifting off in classes". some discussions of mental health

enjoy!!

Evan thinks Connor might be asleep when he walks up to his locker. Connor is sitting on the ground against the lockers with his legs pulled up to his chest, his bag on his knees, and his head on his bag.

Evan checks his phone. They still have about fifteen minutes until class starts. If Connor is asleep he should just let him sleep. Connor probably needs it.

Evan rocks back on his heels as he unlocks his locker. Today should be an easy day— the beginning of the week had been rough, so hopefully he won’t have too much work in class. Which will be nice. He needs time to think.

He’s honestly a little worried about Connor and Jared. And Connor individually — he spends a lot of time worrying about Connor if he’s honest — but there had been something off about the way they had looked at each other in the computer lab the day before.

Evan can’t put his finger on what it is and it’s stressing him out.

He unlocks his lock and swings his locker open, careful to not hit Connor. He loads and unloads books from his backpack as quietly as he can. As the textbooks move from the locker to his hands, he plans out his day and his moves, his paths to class, where he’ll sit at lunch, who he’ll talk to.

“Ev?” Connor mumbles, voice hoarse.

Evan closes his locker a bit to glance down at him. “Did I wake you?” Evan asks softly.

Connor squints at him. “Was I asleep?”

Evan laughs. “L-let’s say yes, then.” He offers Connor his hand, Connor reaches up with his right hand and then stops before he can take Evan’s. He tries to pull it back, but Evan grabs his wrist. Connor’s knuckles are wrapped in white athletic tape.

“What happened?” Evan asks, watching Connor’s face as he holds his hand, trying not to hurt him.

Connor looks at his hand. “Car door. Bad timing.”

Evan stares at the bandages. “Did it hurt?”

Connor gives him a flat look. “Seriously?”

“Okay, yeah. I don’t know why I asked that.” Evan holds out his other hand. Connor takes it with his good hand and pulls himself to his feet. Connor pulls away to brush his hair out of his eyes and Evan pretends not to notice how empty his hand feels without Connor’s in it.

—«·»—

Evan frowns at his phone when he checks it as he’s leaving the room for lunch. He hangs back by the doorway and responds to Connor’s texts.

From: Connor To: Evan meet me in the library during your lunch? please?

From: Evan To: Connor Dont you ha ve lit???

Connor responds quickly, which is a relief. Not waiting is good. It’s better, at least. Evan leans against the lockers.

From: Connor To: Evan yeah second lunch v your third i know but teach is out were in the library p lease?

Evan chews on his lip. It’s not like he has friends at this lunch, or any lunch. He was just going to sit by himself and eat bad cafeteria food. Today is bad pasta.

He decides he’s not that hungry.

From: Evan To: Connor Im on my way

—«·»—

The first person Evan sees when he gets to the library is Alana. Unlike her other classmates, one is sprawled out on a couch while two are squished in a single chair and another is laying on their stomach on the floor, she’s sitting at a table surrounded by books. She has a notebook in front of her filled with notes and has her tongue stuck out of the corner of her mouth as she highlights a passage in the book she’s reading.

“A-Alana?” he asks softly.

She straightens and spins around, eyes wide. “Evan!” She brightens and adjusts her glasses. “How are you?”

“Um…okay? I’m looking for Connor, actually?”

She nods. “I assumed.” Evan doesn’t know why but she’s talking again before he can ask. “He’s between the biographies and the classics.”

Evan blinks.

She smiles. “Back corner over there,” she gestures.

“Oh, thanks.”

“Of course.” Evan has only taken a few steps when she stops him. “Wait.”

Evan’s heart skips a beat as he turns back to her. “Y-yeah?”

Alana glances away for a second before she sets her jaw and meets his eyes. “Tell me if he’s okay?”

Evan nods slowly. “Y-yeah I can— yeah. I will.”

She sighs a little. “Thank you.”

Evan ducks his head and slips into the shelves.

Connor is sitting on the sill of a window. Whoever designed the library decided that not only should the large windows have benches under then, the windowsills should also be large enough to sit on. Evan remembers when him and Jared had a history class together freshman year and when him and Jared were supposed to be studying for a final, Jared had laid down on a windowsill and taken a nap.

Connor’s chin is on his knees and he’s staring out the window into the parking lot.

Evan clears his throat to make his presence known.

Connor looks to him and then pats the windowsill. Evan puts his bag down on the bench and then climbs up on the windowsill, crossing his legs.

“W-what’s up?” he asks after a moment, realizing Connor wasn’t willing to be the first one to say something.

Connor breathes slowly. “I lied to you.”

Evan’s chest is immediately being crushed. His lungs have stopped working and his heart is in his throat. “What— Connor, wh-what do you—?”

Connor holds up his hand. “It wasn’t a car.” The bandages look even whiter in the light from the window.

“What did yo— what happened?”

He looks out over the parking lot again. “I punched a wall.”

“What?!”

Connor locks eyes with Evan. “I…” He furrows his eyebrows and holds up his hand, staring at his knuckles. “I punched a wall. I just… I punched a wall.” He snorts. “I punched a wall.”

Evan watches with wide eyes as Connor buries his face in his knees and his shoulders shake as he tries to muffle his laughter. Evan can still barely breathe.

“C-Connor? Are you…?” he trails off. Connor’s not okay. That’s obvious. That’d be a silly question to ask. Evan can’t keep asking questions like that.

Connor stills after a few more moments. He inhales sharply and the exhales with a huff. He looks up at Evan with hair in his face. “I punched a wall, Ev,” he whispers.

Evan rubs the fabric of his shirt between his fingers. “Y-yeah you— I guess you…you did.”

“God.” Connor runs his good hand through his hair. “God what the fuck.”

“Y-you are— I mean, only you would kn-know that.” Evan ducks his head.

“It was like two this morning,” Connor says slowly. “And I was in the basement and I just. I don’t know. I punched the wall.”

“How didn’t you— you didn’t break anything?” Evan focuses on Connor’s boots in front of him.

“I know how to punch,” Connor says. Evan raises his eyebrows. “Mom put Zoe and I in martial arts when we were kids. Something about excess energy and learning to protect ourselves.”

“I didn’t know that,” Evan murmurs.

“Yeah, stopped when I was like ten. Guess someone thought the kid with anger problems maybe shouldn’t do something with so much kicking and hitting.”

Evan frowns. “W-wait that’s— shouldn’t that be? The other way around?”

Connor shrugs. “Larry made the choice. Less to pay for, I guess. Zoe stopped around the same time. But I know how to throw a punch.”

“Oh.” Evan picks at his nails. “When… This morning, when you,” he gestures to Connor’s hand, “were you trying to…” He can’t find the words.

“Hurt myself?” Connor asks softly.

Evan closes his eyes and nods.

He hears Connor sigh. “I don’t know. I can’t really…explain what was going through my head. Maybe a little. It wasn’t…the main… Fuck, I don’t know how to talk about this shit.” Evan opens his eyes to see Connor repeatedly dragging his hand through his hair. “I mean…I have.”

Evan swallows. “Y-you…”

Connor meets Evan’s gaze. He wraps his good hand around his right forearm. “Yeah. Not lately but, um… Yeah. Yeah.”

Evan takes a shaky breath. “Oh.” He squeezes his eyes shut tightly a few times. “I-I mean, I’ve— I’ve thought about it. A lot. Too much? Maybe? Be-because I can— there are r-razors. In my house. Or they’re— They aren’t hard to-to get. But then I… I start worrying? Because what if— what if I do it wrong? Or mess up? Or hurt myself more than I mean to? Or someone asks me about it or my mom comes home and sees me doing it or I fuck up or or—”

“Evan,” Connor interrupts gently. His hand is hovering over Evan’s. “Take a breathe with me, okay?”

Evan nods and takes a slow breath. Connor’s hand rests on Evan’s once he’s stopped fiddling with the hem of his shirt.

“You okay?” Connor asks.

Evan nods. “I just…” He laughs weakly. “Shoutout to my anxiety for keeping me from hurting myself more, I-I guess it’s good for…for something.”

Connor smiles a little, eyebrows furrowed. “Sure.”

Evan looks down at Connor’s sleeve covered arms. “You would…” He glances up to Connor. “You would tell me if you…wanted to hurt yourself? Right?”

Connor searches Evan’s face. Panic flashes in Evan’s mind and he wonders if he’s gone too far. “I… Yeah. And you’ll tell me?”

“O-of course.”

—«·»—

Evan finds himself drifting off in classes. He tries to focus, but his heart isn’t into it today.

He’d sat with Connor for the rest of lunch, mostly in silence. Connor had promised that he’d cleaned his knuckles after admitting that he had broken skin when he punched the wall. When Evan asked if anyone in his family knew the truth, Connor laughed.

It made Evan’s chest hurt.

He wishes there were more times where Connor genuinely laughed. Where he didn’t force it. Where it wasn’t bitter.

Evan wishes that Connor were happier.

Evan finds it a little harder to breathe when he realizes that he wants to be Connor’s friend for real. He’s wanted to be for a while, but he doesn’t think about it because it’s painful. Because Connor just needs him for now. Evan is a temporary fixture in Connor’s life. And he hates that.

It’s so bullshit. That the first person that Evan’s felt a real connection with in years is just playing a game. And Evan is playing along. Because it’s what Connor wants. And it makes Connor’s life easier.

Evan doesn’t think that’s enough.

But this is all he gets. And this is all he can do. So he will settle.

—«·»—

Evan finds Alana in the library. It’s almost like she never left after literature. She doesn’t even look up when he sits down across from her.

“He’s okay,” Evan says.

Alana looks up and relief floods her face. “Good,” she says, immediately looking back down at her laptop. “I was… He can be hard to read.” Evan nods. “Yesterday I could tell which…I assume that meant something bad?” She gives Evan a questioning look.

“Um…” Evan looks away. “I-I…not great. No.”

Alana purses her lips and then closes her laptop. “Admittedly, I don’t actually have much to talk about today. We do need to find a teacher to advise us. Which could be interesting. They have to be trustworthy. And we need to know that they’ll be supportive of discussions of mental health, which is difficult because it’s not exactly discussed often in the classroom.”

Evan nods. “Wh-what about a name? You said something about one last time.”

“Yeah…” Alana taps a pen against the desk. “I can’t think of one. We’ll work on it?”

He shrugs. “S-sure. It’s your club.”

“And yours,” Alana adds immediately. “You’re a co-founder.”

“Uh…sure. We can…call me that. You can call me that.”

She gives him a small smile. “Seriously, Evan. Thank you for helping me.”

Evan ducks his head. “N-no problem. Um, what are you reading in lit right now? You seemed, uh, invested when I saw you today?”

Alana blinks, probably in surprise. They haven’t really talked about anything other than Student Council and the club before. “Oh. Beowulf.”

“Beowulf,” Evan repeats.

“Yes! It’s,” she grabs her bag off the chair next to her and unzips it, “an epic poem. It’s in Old English and it’s about this hero named Beowulf.” She pulls out her copy of the book and opens it up to show Evan. “The left pages are the original Old English and the right are the modern translations.”

Evan squints at the Old English. “I thought you said it was English.”

Alana laughs. She has a nice laugh, Evan hasn’t heard it before. To be fair, he’s never had a non serious conversation with her. “It is. But it took a while for English to become what it is today. This was written in…” She flips the book over. “Around 700? So there was this and then there was Middle English—”

“Like Shakespeare?” Evan asks. He knows Shakespeare. He can read Shakespeare. Sort of.

Alana shakes her head. “No, like Chaucer.” She grins at Evan’s blank expression. “He wrote the Canterbury Tales. I think Shakespeare is Early Modern English or something.”

“Right,” Evan says. “Right. I… Okay.”

Alana rests her chin in her hand. “You have no idea what I’m talking about do you?”

Evan gives her a weak smile. “I have a vague idea? How do you just…know this?”

“Mr. Adams told us about it when we started reading.” She flips through the pages of Beowulf. “It was pretty easy to remember because it was interesting. Etymology is fascinating.” She glances up to see Evan’s confusion. “The study of the origin of words.”

“Ah.” Evan watches her pause on a page and scrunch up her nose as she reads a passage. “You’re really smart.”

“Oh. Thank you.” Alana sits up a little straighter. “I guess— I’m pretty good at school, yes. English isn’t that hard. You just have to understand words and then make arguments.”

“I’m not good at either of those things,” Evan admits.

“It takes some practice,” Alana says. “I could help you if you ever need it. Or— Connor could?”

“He could?” Evan asks.

“When he pays attention, he’s really good at english,” she says. “He does really well on his papers, and he doesn’t participate a lot, but he has interesting things to say when he does.” She wrinkles her nose. “We talked about phallic symbolism for three days after finishing this,” she taps her knuckles on the cover of Beowulf, “and Connor had…a few things to say.”

Evan covers his mouth to muffle a laugh.

“It was an…interesting conversation,” Alana says slowly. “The vice principal wanted to observe one of the classes and Mr. Adams lied and said we were just going to be doing silent reading all class so she wouldn’t. And then he showed us an academic essay about the phallic symbolism in Beowulf.”

“Oh my god,” Evan says, voice muffled by his hands.

Alana smiles and puts Beowulf back in her bag. “It’s a strange class.”

“It sounds fun.” Evan drops his hands to his lap. “We’re reading short stories and it’s bad.”

“Short stories can be…odd,” she says after a moment. “Who do you have?”

“Parsons.”

Alana grimaces. “I’m so sorry.”

Evan shrugs. “It hasn’t been…the worst? She argued with a student for most of a class about using they as a singular pronouns in an essay and says some things mildly racist, but I’ve heard pretty bad stories, so we’re okay right now.”

“She was awful,” Alana says flatly. “I had her for the second semester of sophomore year and I almost walked out several times. She had us do Shakespeare in a circle and would complain when we didn’t actually act out the parts.”

“It’s english class?”

“Exactly.”

—«·»—

From: Connor To: Evan you free today? not dinner

From: Evan To: Connor Yeah I was j sut going to sit aroudn my room

From: Connor To: Evan wanna do that but in a different house?

From: Evan To: Connor Sure! Be over in a bit ??

“Evan!” Evan looks up from his phone to see Zoe waving at him. She’s standing by the band room with a bunch of other students, her saxophone still around her neck.

He stops as she walks over to him. “H-hi, are you done with rehearsal?”

She blows hair out of her face. “Not yet. We’re on break.”

“This isn’t jazz band,” Evan says slowly, looking at her alto.

Zoe laughs. “No, this is wind ensemble.”

“We have that?” Evan asks in surprise.

“This year.” She presses a few of the keys. “Do you know if Connor ate today?” she asks suddenly.

“W-we didn’t have lunch together,” Evan apologizes. Zoe’s eyebrows furrow. “But if you want to— Alana Beck? They have that class together so she might…know.”

“Okay. What about you?”

Evan frowns. “Wh-what about me?”

“Did you eat?” She narrows her eyes.

He clears his throat and looks away. “S-something, uh, came up.” Zoe looks unamused. “I’ll eat,” he promises. “Soon.”

“Okay.” Zoe glances over her shoulder. The other musicians are still mulling around the band room. “I should—”

“Wait,” Evan interrupts, voice cracking. Zoe freezes. “Do you… Did you see Connor’s hand?”

She huffs and shifts her weight from foot to foot. “Yeah. Slammed it in a car door. He was probably high or something. The least he could’ve done was tell me he was taking the car before he did.”

Evan feels like his throat is closing up. “Z-Zoe? Can you— can you keep a secret?”

She frowns. “A sec— what’s wrong?”

“Can you?” he repeats, meeting her eyes.

Zoe nods slowly. “Yeah, of course. Evan, you’re kind of scaring me.”

“He didn’t— Connor didn’t close a door on his hand.” Evan’s legs feel shaky. This is bad, maybe— this was a bad idea. But at the same time, he can’t be the only one who knows. He feels like he’s going to be sick.

Zoe’s eyes go wide. “What did he do?” she asks. She asks so softly that Evan almost doesn’t catch her words.

Evan pulls on the straps of his backpack. “A wall. The basement. He punched the wall in the—”

“He punched the wall?!” she hisses. “Those are— Evan, those are concrete! What was he thinking— he could’ve broken his hand, why didn’t he— What the fuck was he—”

“Zoe—”

“And then he lied about what he did? Was he just going to let us think that he wasn’t paying attention for the rest of time? Was he going to—”

“I-I don’t think this was a thing he thought through,” Evan interrupts.

She sags. “You’re right.” She tucks her hair behind her ear. “I shouldn’t have— sorry.”

“You…you won’t tell your parents? Right?” Evan rocks back on his heels. If Zoe tells her parents and her parents talk to Connor— or even if just she talks to Connor��

Connor will hate him.

Zoe sighs. “No. No, I won’t. Because he told you and he…he trusted you enough to tell you the truth. I won’t— Thanks for telling me. I’ll keep an eye on him, though.”

Evan nods. “Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. And um…he said he didn’t break his hands because he did martial arts?”

She shakes her head. “I hate him.”

Someone calls Zoe’s name. She glances back at them and holds up a finger. “I have to go,” she says to Evan. “Are you… Everything good?”

Evan smiles weakly. “I-I’m…okay. But actually…” He glances down to his phone. “Any chance you could give me a ride to your house after rehearsal?”

Zoe raises an eyebrow. “You want to hang around for another forty five minutes?”

He shrugs. “W-why not.”

She snorts. “Okay. Sure, why not. I’ll meet you outside the band room then.”

—«·»—

Evan spends the next forty two minutes in the computer lab. He sits on his laptop and spins in slow circles as he types mindlessly. He’s not really working on a letter, he’s just sort of typing words.

He’ll probably forget about this document and find it later and not know what he was trying to say.

His mind keeps wandering back to Connor. He’d like to politely ask it to stop doing that.

When rehearsal ends, he meets Zoe outside the band room. She’s laughing and talking with her friends and Evan feels awkward and out of place, even when she smiles at him and tries to invite him into the conversation. He trails behind them as they leave the school and walk out to the parking lot. Slowly, people break off to head to their own cars.

Zoe unlocks her car and tosses her backpack into the back seat as Evan climbs into the passenger seat. She hooks up her phone to the aux cord and instrument music starts to play loudly from the speakers. She sees Evan wince when the notes blare and turns down the volume.

“Is this…Pirates of the Caribbean?” Evan asks slowly.

Zoe grins as she puts the car in reverse and backs out of the parking space. “Yup! I’m on a movie score ‘kick’ right now and Connor fucking hates it. But this score literally makes me feel like I could do anything, so fuck Connor’s opinion.”

Evan smiles and leans against the door.

Zoe sings along softly as she drives, sometimes wiggling her fingers in the air along with the notes. Sometimes the song will change and she’ll sit up a little straighter with a grin. Evan has no idea how she immediately knows what movies the songs are from, but she does.

He’s watching her nod along to what she says is some version of Robin Hood that he’s never heard of when he realizes something is…different. He still gets nervous and awkward around her, but in the same way he gets nervous and awkward around everyone. He doesn’t think about Zoe any more than he thinks about Alana. It’s nice when she smiles, but his hands don’t get sweaty and his stomach doesn’t twist.

“Here we are,” Zoe announces, pulling into the driveway. She grabs a clip from the sunglasses compartment and sweeps her hair up into a messy bun thing. “Have fun with Connor, but I’m stealing the TV.”

Evan nods as he unbuckles his seatbelt.

Zoe unlocks the door and yells. Evan is realizing that this is just part of the Murphys’ daily life. “I’m home! I brought Evan!”

“In my room!” Connor shouts back almost immediately. “Bring food.”

Zoe elbows Evan lightly. “Come on, let’s get snacks. And lunch.” She gives him a look that stops all protests in their tracks.

Zoe decides a kitchen tour is necessary as she makes Evan pasta in the microwave and grabs chips off a top shelf for Connor. She shows Evan where the silverware is, where the plates and glasses are, where the pantry is, where Larry hides candy— it’s weird how Zoe thinks that Evan is going to spend a lot of time here.

She grabs an apple and tosses it to Evan. “Here. Tell Connor he needs to pretend to be vaguely healthy.”

They climb upstairs — Evan with a bowl of pasta and vegetables and with the apple, Zoe with the chips and crackers for herself — and Zoe talks about something that happened at lunch. She throws the bag of chips at Connor, who bats them out of the way and lets them fall on the floor.

Zoe sticks her tongue out at him. “I’ll see you later, Evan,” she says, bumping their shoulders together. “Shout if Connor starts acting like a dick.”

“He’d lose his voice,” Connor says flatly. He’s sitting in his desk chair with his laptop on his lap.

Evan laughs.

Connor nods to the bed as he bends down to pick up the chip bag. “You can sit on my bed. I’m…” He looks to his laptop. “I don’t know what I’m doing.”

Evan makes himself comfortable on Connor’s comfortable and slowly eats his pasta as Connor spins in slow circles.

“Is my sister trying to mom you?” Connor asks, pointing at Evan’s bowl.

Evan shrugs. “She found out I didn’t eat lunch.”

“My bad.” Connor stuffs a few chips into his mouth.

“I’m fine,” Evan promises. “I’m eating now. It was more important.”

They eat in silence for a few minutes before Connor says, “I don’t actually have anything for us to do. Friends just…hang out. I guess? We can fucking…talk about…girls?”

Evan pokes a carrot with his fork. “Or boys.”

Connor stop spinning. “Boys,” he echoes.

Evan clears his throat. “Uh, yeah um. Boys? I like. Boys are. Boys…” He looks up to see Connor trying to hold back a smile. “Shut up.”

“I didn’t say anything.”

“I’m bi,” Evan says, giving up. “I’m bi, okay? I’m— boys are nice. Girls are nice. People are nice? I don’t know.”

Connor laughs. “Cool. I’m gay. I agree with you. ‘Boys’. Real deep, Ev.”

Evan groans. “Come on.”

“But this works,” Connor says. “We can talk about boys. And not girls, because no offense, I don’t want to hear you talk about,” he points to the room next to them.

Evan blinks. “What?”

“Are we still pretending that your really awkward crush on my sister doesn’t exist?” Connor asks, raising an eyebrow.

“Oh. Oh yeah. That. I don’t think that, um, that’s…a thing anymore?” Connor tilts his head and Evan puts his bowl down on the bed. “I-I mean, she’s great! She’s still nice and pretty and I like… I like talking to her but not…that way? I don’t think that I like her like that anymore.”

“Good, because I didn’t want to think about that,” Connor says.

Evan rolls his eyes.

“Sorry if I find it weird that my best friend,” Evan doesn’t miss the way Connor’s eyebrows raise on ‘best friend’, “had a crush on my sister.”

“Anyway,” Evan says, desperate to change the subject to literally anything else. He looks around the room and his eyes land on Connor’s overflowing bookshelves. “I, um, talked to Alana? She said you like english?”

Connor shrugs. “It’s okay.”

“What’s your favorite book?”

Connor’s eyes light up. “Just one? I mean, shit that would have to be Le Petit Prince.”

Evan nods slowly. “Okay… I don’t know that one.”

“It’s French,” Connor says. “The english title is the Little Prince. There’s a movie version on Netflix, we should watch it sometime.”

Evan’s chest feels a little funny. “Okay, yeah.”

“But I’ll find my copy,” Connor says, squinting at the bookshelves. “You should read it. You…might like it. It’s not that long, if that helps.”

“What’s it about?”

Connor leans back in his chair with a small smile on his face. “It’s about a kid who leaves his planet to travel the universe. It’s— there’s more than that. But you have to read it yourself.”

Evan nods. Because maybe this is how he learns more about Connor. And Evan would do anything to understand him better.

Evan walks over the the Murphys’ on Saturday. Connor offers a ride, but Evan doesn’t mind the walk. The air is bitterly cold and tastes like winter. It’s the tail end of October, but Evan thinks that Mother Nature may be cheating them out of a bit of fall.

Cynthia opens the door with a smile when he knocks. She takes his coat and hangs it up, asking if he wants anything to eat. Evan rejects her offer as always and heads upstairs to Connor’s room.

Connor is laying on the floor. He holds a book open above him, arms straight. Evan wonders if that’s a comfortable way to read.

Evan knocks on the doorframe.

Connor looks away from his book and smiles. “‘Sup.”

“Don’t you have an essay?” Evan asks. He pulls Connor’s chair away from his desk and sits down. “For Beowulf? Alana’s been working on it for days.”

“It’s Saturday,” Connor says dramatically. “Shabbat, Ev. I can’t work.”

Evan raises an eyebrow. “You’re defining work as ‘doing homework’?”

Connor puts his book down on his chest. “Yes.”

“Do you ever do homework?”

There’s a long pause before Connor props himself up on his elbows. “One, fuck off. Two…fuck you. It’ll be fine. Fuck the essay. Fuck my grades. Fuck school. And honestly? Fuck Beowulf. We get it manly man warrior man. You’re a man.”

“Manly man warrior man?” Evan asks. “You sound like you’re talking about the football players.”

Connor snorts and sits up all the way. “Nice, Ev. Remember when I thought you were a nice person?”

Evan pushes away from the desk and wheels toward the center of the room, closer to Connor. “No. I don’t remember you calling me nice. A pushover, maybe.”

Connor leans forward and shoves Evan’s chair back. “Shut up. I definitely told you you were nice at least once. I take it back.”

Evan holds onto the seat of the chair as the chair moves away from Connor. “That’s rude, Con.”

Connor stares at him for a moment. Then he looks away and pulls his hair up into a messy bun. “Do you mind if I paint while we talk about whatever shit we talk about today?”

“Nope.” Evan spins himself so he’s fully facing Connor again. He won’t say it, but he’s been interested in Connor’s art since he first mentioned it. There’s always paintbrushes and water cups lying around Connor’s room, but he’s never seen an actual painting from him. “Will it hurt your hand? Lana said she was taking notes for you in english.”

Connor makes a face. “I’ll be fine. Alana likes to worry. And work. It’ll be a little sore but I’ll be careful. Don’t worry about me, Ev.”

Evan chews on his bottom lip. Too late. Much too late.

“What do you want to talk about today?” Connor asks. He pulls a sketchbook out of his bookshelves and a thin white box. He grabs his water cups off the desk and sits on the floor.

“What do you do with your art?” Evan asks, tilting his head.

Connor reaches under his bed and pulls out a roll of paper towels. “What do you mean?”

“Uh… I mean, I know some people post their art on like…the internet? I was just— do you do that? Or is it just for yourself?”

Connor puffs out his cheeks as he opens up the white box— watercolors. One of the colors is completely gone and the others look used. “I’ve, uh, got a few embarrassing accounts from like…middle school? Fucking angst fest disasters those are. Haven’t done anything with any art recently,” he admits. “I kind of…gave up for a while.” He opens his sketchbook and Evan catches a page full of purples and greens before Connor turns to a page with a pencil sketch on it. “So I’m trying to figure out what the fuck is happening.” He dips a paintbrush in a water cup and looks up at Evan. “I have no clue what the fuck is happening.”

Evan laughs. “I never know what the fuck is happening.”

Connor points his paintbrush at Evan. “And that’s why we’re friends.”

Evan smiles and pretends it doesn’t hurt.

—«·»—

Connor almost falls out of bed when Cynthia shouts his name. Evan looks up from Connor’s laptop in surprise. They lock eyes as Connor rolls out of bed.

“Be right back,” he says. “Hopefully.”

Connor’s barely been gone for a minute when Zoe’s poking her head into Connor’s room.

“What’s up?” she asks. She has her hair pulled up into a top knot and some sort of green face mask covering her face.

Evan stares at her.

Zoe rolls her eyes. “I know. I look like a monster.”

“I wasn’t going to say that,” Evan says, sitting up in bed. “We’re just watching YouTube.”

“Lame.” She leans against the doorframe. “I still think your friendship with my brother is weird.”

Evan laughs and it feels a little breathless. “Yeah it’s… You aren’t the only one.”

“Jared?”

He nods.

Zoe looks over her shoulder. “Figures. I don’t know how you two became…a thing really,” Evan tries not to make a face, “but like… I don’t know.” She shrugs. “I think it’s good for both of you. Weird.”

“Weird,” Evan murmurs.

A thing. They aren’t a thing. Jared calls people ‘a thing’ when he’s talking about people who are dating. And Connor and Evan are just fake friends. That’s not a thing. It just…is.

He won’t let himself think about that. That’s…too much.

“Are you bothering Evan?” Connor asks, squeezing past Zoe when she refuses to move.

“We’re just having a talk.” Zoe winks at Evan.

Connor looks between them. “About…?”

“Nothing,” she singsongs before walking away.

Connor stares at Evan.

“It really was nothing,” Evan promises. “She just asked what we were doing.”

“Oh.” Connor flops down on the bed next to Evan. “Whatever. Want to go back to uh…” He squints at the screen. “Were we really just watching a guy make bread?”

Evan nods. “Yeah. How did you forget so quickly?”

“I think I zoned,” Connor admits. He grabs a pillow and wraps his arms around it. “Whatever. Let’s do this.”

“You say that like we’re about to do something life changing,” Evan murmurs as he presses play.

“Maybe we are,” Connor mumbles into his pillow.

—«·»—

Evan stares at his ceiling.

He can’t stop thinking. His brain almost never shuts up, but right now it’s worse. Because it’s not anxiety.

It’s Connor.

Everything about Connor. His smiles. His laugh. The way he runs his hand through his hair. How he leans over a little bit to talk to Evan.

Oh.

Oh no.

#evan hansen #connor murphy #tree bros #convan #deh fanfic #my fics #to have a friend

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waqasamjadme · 4 years

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From The Sincerity Of My Heart | 77 Valentine’s Day Wishes

By no means too quickly for these sugar-coated phrases. This yr, we need to inject some candy taste into your February 14th and maximize your probabilities of a giant payoff.

1 Valentine’s Day Wishes For Your Girlfriend

2 Valentine’s Day Messages For Your Boyfriend

3 Valentine’s Day Messages For Your Spouse

4 Valentine’s Day Wishes For Your Husband

5 Valentine’s Day Wishes For Your New Love

6 Valentine’s Day Wishes For a Lengthy-Time period Relationship

7 Lengthy Valentine’s Day Wishes

8 Candy Valentine’s Day Wishes

9 Funny Valentine’s Day Wishes

VALENTINE’S DAY WISHES FOR YOUR GIRLFRIEND

I want you the very best Valentine’s Day you have got ever skilled and that I show worthy of being the harbinger of this happiness.

May you have got a Valentine’s Day so pretty that you simply deliver a smile to the face of everybody who crosses your path.

I pray that at the present time not solely brings smiles to your face however that it additionally reminds you of simply how grand my love for you is.

I wish you a Valentine’s Day freed from any sort of stress, and I'll do my finest to make this a actuality by supplying you with all the things you need.

I by no means noticed the worth of Valentine’s Day, even insulted the event, till I lastly discovered you, my sweetheart. Have a wonderful Valentine’s Day.

I'll spend a part of this Valentine’s Day in church, thanking God that I've you as a associate. All I want in life is your happiness.

I’m not a giant fan of Valentine’s Day, however I’m smart sufficient to know that if I make you cheerful, additionally, you will make me blissful. Wishing you a candy Valentine’s Day.

This Valentine’s Day, I hope to make you understand that though I get pleasure from your bodily intimacy very a lot, it isn't the idea of my robust affection in direction of you.

I relish your love daily like it's Valentine’s. Nevertheless, simply to ensure this proves to be an additional special day, I made a decision to purchase you this reward. Could your day be as candy as you might be.

I do know a number of instances I behave like an a*s, however I hope on this big day you'll settle for this reward from the sincerity of my coronary heart and bear in mind how a lot I like you.

Happy Valentine’s Day! It might be simpler so that you can escape from a most safety jail than to flee from my love this Valentine’s Day.

I intend for this Valentine’s Day to make you so blissful that you simply consider no different man however me for the remainder of your life. Wishing you a Valentine’s Day so particular you bear in mind it all the time.

Candy darling, I want you a Valentine’s Day that's simply as candy to your coronary heart as it's to your tongue.

VALENTINE’S DAY MESSAGES FOR YOUR BOYFRIEND

I hope being with me this Valentine’s Day makes you even happier than I'm to spend it with you. I like you a lot.

May I show to be extra essential to you this Valentine’s Day than another care you have got on this planet.

Even should you should not have the assets to purchase me one thing beautiful, I hope this Valentine’s Day you're going to get me no matter you'll be able to out of your coronary heart. Have your self nothing however a joyous Saint Valentine’s Day.

I hope that you simply not additionally settle for this Valentine’s Day reward but additionally the heartfelt compassion behind its acquisition.

I perceive that love turns into so commonplace that zeal will get pushed to the facet, however I hope you received’t overlook to romance me on this big day. Happy Valentine’s Day.

I hope that, if even for this one big day of the yr, I could make you overlook about all of your stresses and simply consolation you within the gentleness of my love.

May the time we spend collectively on this excellent Valentine’s Day be the inspiration for a timeless love poem.

If the best way I deal with you this Saint Valentine’s Day doesn’t show that I like you, then I don’t know what's going to! Happy Valentine’s Day, my candy love.

This Valentine’s Day, could you overlook all regrettable errors made previously and relatively give attention to the valuable love shared within the second.

May this February 14th set the stage for a love that's shared between us hereafter each day.

I've waded by a discipline of weeds simply to seek out the one rose that's you. Happy Valentine’s Day.

VALENTINE’S DAY MESSAGES FOR YOUR WIFE

I want the love of my life a cheerful Valentine’s Day that's brimful with hugs and kisses not solely from myself but additionally from our pretty youngsters.

Valentine’s would simply be one other widespread day if not on your love. Could we discover time as we speak to simply maintain one another’s hands all through.

Aside from our anniversary, that is the day that jogs my memory essentially the most of how blessed I'm to have you ever. Happy Valentine’s Day.

My actions this February 14th are completely and utterly in honor of the girl who has edified my life not simply along with her pretty presence but additionally along with her devoted love. Happy Valentine’s Day, my expensive.

VALENTINE’S DAY WISHES FOR YOUR HUSBAND

My Valentine’s Day want is that our sons additionally develop as much as be loving, devoted, irreplaceable husbands like your self.

On this Feast of Saint Valentine’s Day, I'm going to remind you why you forsook the opposite girls and selected me! Have a really, very beautiful Valentine’s Day.

This superb Valentine’s Day, could my love show to be the one intoxicant, antidepressant and relaxant that you simply want.

Wishing a superb Valentine’s Day to essentially the most treasured man in my universe. Thanks for bringing into my universe sunshine and happiness.

VALENTINE’S DAY WISHES FOR YOUR NEW LOVE

May the unspeakable pleasure we expertise this Valentine’s Day function a prototype not just for those we are going to finally share collectively but additionally for daily of our intimate bond.

May this Valentine’s Day with you be so beautiful that it paints scenic footage which can perpetually cling on the partitions of our hearts.

Now that I've you, my love, I've an precise cause to rejoice on Valentine’s Day.

After ignoring me my complete life, Cupid gave me a shoutout this yr and turned me from a hater right into a believer! Pricey darling, all I need for you this Valentine’s Day is a coronary heart filled with happiness.

This yr’s February 14th feels as particular as our first, and I’m elated on the prospect of spending many extra with you. Have a joyful coronary heart this Valentine’s Day, my expensive.

Our relationship has withstood the check of time, which makes every Val’s Day much more of a celebration.

At present, I have a good time somebody who could have his points however remains to be in each method all the things that I want him to be. Happy Valentine’s Day, my expensive.

May our superb love proceed to serve for instance to others of what Valentine’s Day is de facto all about.

I hope this big day you might be reminded of all of the issues that made us fall in love within the first place. Wishing you a really great Valentine’s Day, my love.

LONG VALENTINE’S DAY WISHES

I want you a Valentine’s Day with the creativity of a kid designing a card for his mom but the intimacy of somebody who's spending the day with the individual he might be spending the remainder of his life with. You're one of many main the reason why the universe is such a wonderful place.

From the underside of my hear, I pray you have got a Valentine’s Day wherein you understand the entire nice fantasies you had about love as a baby, one that isn't wasted on a fleeting, potentially-harmful romance however relatively spent with somebody who will show to be a lifelong companion. Have the sweetest of candy Valentine’s Days.

Sweetie, I need to use this February 14th to let you realize that you're essentially the most useful treasure in my life. On daily basis, I have a look at the skies and thank the heavens for bringing you into my life and making you mine and me yours. Earlier than you got here into my world, there was such a big abyss in my life that nothing may ever fill. Not till my soul dies, my love for you'll by no means die.

All of us have somebody we secretly love, and this Valentine’s Day, I want you the braveness to not solely specific such feelings to that particular but hidden somebody in your life but additionally that that individual will reply to you in form in order that true pleasure might be yours all through this season of affection.

This whole vacation is an acknowledgement of Saint Valentine’s assertion {that a} man shouldn't spend his life alone and certainly requires that particular somebody even when the society itself deems such unfit, and as such I not solely hope that you've got somebody particular to spend this Valentine’s Day with, however that that candy individual proves to be the one you'll be able to name a soulmate. Happy Valentine’s Day.

May the one break your coronary heart obtain this Valentine’s Day is a trip from the entire every day anxieties and stresses of life, and may these feelings get replaced as a substitute with a love so candy that its recollections will deliver a smile to your face for years to return. Wishing you a completely superb Valentine’s Day!

May the entire heartbreaks of Valentine’s Days previous get replaced this yr with one so superb that it not solely fills you with pleasure within the current but additionally offers you a glimpse into the lovely future destiny has in retailer on your coronary heart. Wishing you a really, very blissful Valentine’s Day.

SWEET VALENTINE’S DAY WISHES

No reward in my life comes remotely near the reward of your love. Could your Valentine’s Day be as beautiful as this treasured reward of your love is to me.

Individuals who don’t look ahead to Valentine’s Day clearly don’t have somebody such as you of their life to have a good time it with. Happy Valentine’s Day.

Happy Valentine’s Day to my girlfriend and finest buddy. Your love is the rationale why the solar shines so brightly in my universe.

I want my beautiful instructor a lovely Valentine’s Day on behalf of myself and the entire college students who're touched by her glorious tuition!

May this Valentine’s Day remodel the shortest month of the yr into your most-significant and pleasing one.

This particular Valentine’s Day, could love in all its type, from romantic to platonic, come and make a visitation to the abode of your coronary heart.

I want you a Valentine’s Day the place you aren't burdened by its consumerist points however relatively give and obtain the kind of love that can attain the core of your immortal soul.

On this big day of the yr, I hope the love you misplaced discover its method again and if not that you simply discover your method ahead to a brand new one. Could your Valentine’s Day be as colourful and exquisite as a backyard of flowers.

Despite the fact that you have got chosen to spend Valentine’s Day with somebody apart from myself, I nonetheless hope from the underside of my coronary heart that you simply benefit from the vacation to the fullest.

May your coronary heart be stolen this Valentine’s Day not by a careless thief of feelings however by somebody who will eternally worth your charms.

May you have got a Valentine’s Day that's simply as pleasantly surprising as falling in love itself.

May the love between you and your partner be renewed this Valentine’s Day to grow to be stronger than it even was if you first met one another.

As you bask within the bliss of Valentine’s Day, I pray that it'll deliver you self-love, which is simply as a lot a prerequisite for happiness as exterior affection.

May your Valentine’s Day play out like a candy-coated fairytale, full with the candy ending.

On this Saint Valentine’s Day, could you understand the individuality of our love, that this vacation was created to have a good time the particular sort of friendship that we share. Happy Val’s Day, my expensive.

FUNNY VALENTINE’S DAY WISHES

The one factor coated in chocolate I want to get pleasure from this Valentine’s Day is you!

I want you a Valentine’s Day so naughty that Cupid himself would blush!

May God make our love so robust that Romeo and Juliet really get jealous of it. Happy Valentine’s Day, expensive darling.

Even when he has to navigate his method by a sky of darkish cloud inhabited by a fleet of hostile warplanes, could Cupid discover his solution to your door as we speak.

May a dozen of Cupid’s arrows protrude out of your again this Feast of Saint Valentine.

I want you a Valentine’s Day so pretty that on the morning of February 15th you refuse to go to work, as a substitute opting to remain in your lover’s arms. Hopefully your boss wouldn’t fireplace you for that!

May you look ahead to this Valentine’s Day with the identical anticipation as a defendant who's awaiting verdict in his trial.

May you and Cupid grow to be so shut on Valentine’s Day that he feels comfy sufficient to ask you for a pair of trousers.

As you commemorate Valentine’s Day, could you obtain the knowledge to appreciate that even when nobody loves you sufficient to purchase a field of candies, you should purchase one for your self at 40 % off.

This Saint Valentine’s Day, could Cupid shoot you with an arrow tipped with testosterone to lastly provide the braveness to inform that woman that you simply love her!

My Valentine’s Day want for you is that you simply possess the allure of Barack Obama, the craftiness of George Bush and the intercourse enchantment of Invoice Clinton.

May you expertise the Valentine’s Day of an Outdated World traveler, considered one of exploration and conquest!

My want for you on this big day of the yr is that you've got extra to suck on than simply sweet. If you realize what I imply! Happy Valentine’s Day!

I want my dad and mom an extra-lovely Valentine’s Day, as with out this vacation, we youngsters most likely wouldn’t even be right here.

via Blogger https://ift.tt/2FfLnXy

#Blogger #Birthday Wishes

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callmenickk · 5 years

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All The Things She Said

Remember in elemetary when our teacher required us to write an essay? This feels more like it. Not that I have nothing to write (God, no); There is just too much to tell. So how do I even begin.

Right now I sit by a room unfinished. This was where I left off. I don't have to leave now. I'll stay...to this blank space I can finally work my magic on — play my sound, paint my visions, read and reread, rewrite the chapters I was too caught up to finish and just...break through.

I really wish people had to stop judging me. Not at all times that I have to be on the pedestal. Trust me, I already have enough criticisms to my self. But some people just don't have the empathy no matter how hard I look — and that is how I'm willing to drop it off.

I can do errands; I can surely follow orders. I can even buy coffee and photocopy papers if no one else will. But I am done settling for a monotonous routine. Living in the city without motivation did sap out my whole being that I forgot what was it that use to fuel the fire that burns within. So I became side-tracked. And it was depressing so it had to end.

I am and will not be a mediocre.

I really had a great year coming through — 2018 was the awesomest! That is why it is so important that I dump all the bad of it behind. Maybe just one big dumping. And i'll be over.

T H E L A W B U I L D I N G

I've been walking around the street near a law building now for three years. It never came across my mind to take up such degree. But every so often, someone somewhere is aggravated, an unorganized community satisfyingly settles to an old, more familiar routine, and the cowards refuse to come out of their despicable, vile shells. I can't blame them. But quite frankly, do they ever not get tired? Continuing as it is? Cause I am. To be in a place where I have my constraints because anything I do, disgraceful or proper, lawful or not, chains back to my dear family from unapologetic people who're sharp to my lapses! I don't have to prove it. You can never tell a (highly) intuitive woman wrong.

Fire your guns to your rightful targets, why am I taking the bullet?

This goes far beyond to how I value harmony to where I am and who I'm with — and that maybe wanting it badly means having to put yourself dirty in the mud, too. So this year, I had to step it up a little. Baby steps. Just baby steps. Law is the dream. On a more technical view, I am going to need a harsh warm-up cause its been awhile from school. Major reading and catching up current events! Plus, leveling up the EQ because this is usually where my level of sanity skips itself from yield limit to rupture. Reference that from Stress- strain diagram. (My engineering is not at lost.)

Anyway, while I can't have it yet I'll have my own little ways; and I am so done just sitting at a corner.

Courage, don't you fail me now.

T H E B A B Y

And then there is this. (I'm over the bad now...all too quick just like that)

Do you ever believe in prophecies? I don't want to be sure, I never am. But I think that God might have blessed me with it, too. I've had significant dreams before that played an important factor to my surroundings. And that at some point, my alternate subconscious intellect is just overpowering. We can't dismiss it. Dreams have their own power, too. Which leads me to.

T H E O N E

Almost, but not quite.

Do you have a boyfriend, they ask. None, I said. Always a face of doubt. Always. The kind of look that says Liar. Okay, I am not lying. You have the wrong question to ask ergo you never get the answer you want to hear. I don't have a boyfriend, but I have someone that I love. And lest it gets down that serious lane, I am forever playing the dare-you-not-mention-his-name. I don't wanna be deleting him on my feed in time (its a millennial ordeal hahaha secondly, we argue too).

So, why? Okay, why.

This is an era for the millennials. Wake up, darling. Natapos na ang kapanahunan ng harana (so I'll learn my keyboard instead). I may be looking for an 'extinct' man now. So, yah.

But he's bit different.

I need to find a potential in a man. Not just anyone who'll only want to get under your skin (what is happening with the world), no, I don't want that. I want something real. And more than anything, I don't have to fight for love, I don't have to deal with the wrong. I can be certain, the one that God meant for me will come along. Now, baby, that is called patience.

Moreover, my travels and constant soul searching pushes me to make a difference in this world. (Shoutout to awesome Bali & Iloilo humans) I will continually be a good influnce for those who look up to me esp the kids. And one day when it will be time, I can teach my lessons and show good things to my children.

T H E R E W I N D

Wounds have healed. It has been years, for Pete's sake. I know I'm okay now. When my estranged old friends and I crossed our paths a month ago, I didn't feel bad anymore. I was sorry. They needed that closure too and I will not begrudge that from them. Can't help but miss the memories though. After all, we shared a lot of ourselves before things got bad. But maybe it is true when they say you just miss the memories...and not the people. All is well.

T H E N E W O N E S

I met a few good people I could keep forever this year. Isn't it ironic how things take up a turn when you're all ready to leave?

Before I started working in the city, I promised myself it won't be long. Just had to find the right time to leave and had three attempts. For the last one it had to be final.

I really can't quite decipher my God of what He wants to happen in my life. (Praying is imperative.) Is this just a trial, Lord? Cause I'm constantly enduring but I give in to that button too. I give up. Tell me it is okay to give up when the going gets tough.

I'm so sorry if I had to say goodbye. I didn't mean for them to feel bad. No amount of advice and comforting will change the fact that I hurt them still. But this really is life. If you get a hello, you get a goodbye. Learn to juggle the good and the bad, cause this is what life is all about.

I feel especially responsible for Yolie, cause I will not be around for the year to come. But this girl is tough. And I'll just be around watching her, guiding her. She will be loved.

T H E C O N C L U S I O N

To the one reading this, everything that I just said was very personal. It is like taking a piece of me throwing it out on the open for angry wolves to devour — not even knowing if it'll be worth it or not. But every bit of my vulnerability is your vulnerability, too. This world doesn't always have to be a place of strong, guarded faces. Knowing that you took your time to read this makes a connection somehow. Isn't that amazing? For one bit, I impact your life. It may sound trite but it is true. You have it within you to impact others something good as well. I hope and pray that you will embrace uncertainties too as much as how you have your life figured. Acknowledge your fears wholeheartedly cause I feel like you too are holding it back. Take it from a good marvel quote I know by heart (from Doctor Strange movie),

We never lose our demons, Mordo. We only learn to live above them. — The Ancient One

Well, ready or not, it isn't an endgame yet, that's for sure. Cheers to an awesome year ahead. Claim it and it will be yours!🎄✨

#new year #2019 #nikkiwrites #nikkicelebrates

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