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eligaxy · 3 years

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Wind

☆ℜ𝔢𝔩𝔞𝔱𝔦𝔬𝔫𝔰𝔥𝔦𝔭 : Venti x gn!Reader

☆𝔚𝔞𝔯𝔫𝔦𝔫𝔤𝔰 : near death experience, you’re confused asf about everything, bad writing cause i suck, spoilers for the we will be reunited quest!! And also for venti’s backstory, venti is serious for once (yes it’s a legitimate warning🤚)

☆𝔊𝔢𝔫𝔯𝔢 : Some angst, some fluff? Idk bye🤨

☆𝔖𝔲𝔪𝔪𝔞𝔯𝔶 : "It's okay, it's over now" he kneeled to be at your level, his arms still wrapped around you, and you didn't have the energy to fight your urge of nuzzling into him. "I'll always be here for you, wherever there is wind, remember I'm here too. You only need to ask." (2.8k words)

♪𝔑𝔬𝔱𝔢𝔰 : i’m an idiot simp, i did this in one sitting and half asleep, english isnt my first language BLA BLA IM SORRY FOR MY POOR WRITING BUT HAVE THIS

basically you don’t know if you can trust venti or not, head says no, heart screams yes

Also, I was listening to stormterror’s lair ost while writing it, just because its fucking amazing, you might wanna listen to it too

I’m nervous to post this?/&:! This is the second fic i’ve ever finished in my whole life

i love venti and he’s hot in his god outfit i don’t make the rules

KAY ENJOY <3

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"Please, anybody... Just help me."

Saying you were exhausted would have been an understatement. After reuniting with your sibling, you had been frantically searching for clues about khaenri'ah and ways to Inazuma. With no luck, you couldn't find any traces of Dainsleif or of your twin. The ruins had been sealed and you had no idea what happened to the inverted statue or the corpse you had found there. Desperately, you clung into every little information you had, you would have turned every rock on this archon damned continent if you had to, which is what led you into those ruins near Guilli plains.

Walking along the destroyed buildings your eyes caught sight of a dandelion and you froze. You missed them so much, why couldn't they go back home with you? All you ever wanted was to be by their side why, why were they running away from you?

You remembered your travels, the moments you shared together, their protectiveness over you, the fondness in their eyes when you smiled at them. You remember the times you got hurt and healed one another with your now missing powers. You remember sleeping by their side and being grateful to the universe to let you keep your ray of sunshine everywhere with you. How ironic.

What had they meant 'once you reach the end of your journey' ? What does that even mean? Stupid twin, if they knew you were here the whole time, why hadn't they come to you? Why were they always leaving just when they were within your grasp? Why? Did they know how much you missed them and how much your heart broke when you finally saw them? Did they?

You only realized you were crying when a small gust of wind had your wet cheek react to the cold, breaking your train of thought. Wind.

The wind is everywhere, you think, free as a bird, always accompanying every citizen of this world, never truly alone. With this in mind, you resumed your exploring, slower this time.

A sigh escaped your mouth. You didn't want to admit it, but the wind did comfort you a little. Almost as if he was here. God of freedom and of the breeze, he was more a singer than a protector and you couldn't bear to think about him. Was it true? What Dain said... Did he destroy this nation? Was he the cause of the scenery that still haunted your nightmares up until 500 years later? Your brain simply couldn't accept that Venti, your Venti, you catch yourself thinking, could have made such an act of wrath. He was the epitome of freedom, why would he take the very thing he based all of his existence on from mere mortals? Barbatos simply couldn't be afraid of being overpowered, he didn't even care about power. All he wanted was freedom and happiness for his people. Surley this couldn't be right?

But then again, who were you to deny the wipe out of an entire nation? The gods did it. They were afraid that Celestia would be overthrown by the pride of humankind, the destruction of khaenri'ah by divine beings was a fact. There was no misunderstanding about this. That was the one thing you were sure of. So why did you feel like crying even more now?

The mere thought of a gentle soul such as Venti committing innocent people to an eternity of suffering didn't sit right with you. Even when his dearest friend Dvalin had turned against him, he didn't try to stop him, didn't even ask the dragon to save him. He healed and helped him, gave him a choice.

'What is freedom if demanded of you by a god?' was the same person that asked this question the same one who committed mass murder? Genocide?

Did the little wine-lover bard you had grown fond of destroy all hopes and light your kin had?

You remember that night when he freed Stanley from his burden, freed his and his friends' spirits. You had marveled at his action, in that instant he was a god, and he definitely hadn't struck you as a murderer. You remember that look of silent pain and grief in his eyes when he sang the tales of the nameless bard he had taken the appearance of. You knew he trusted you enough to share his story, something so personal, you could almost feel the war that took down the tyrant of Mond. Oh how much you cherished that evening, treating him to some well deserved dandelion wine afterwards, his favorite, and asking him to sing you more about the time where was nothing but the spirit of a breeze.

Your heart broke a little, remembering his rosy cheeks and drunk smile, you wish you could talk to him, ask him what happened. What did he do, was he really as dangerous as you had been told? If so, then why did you feel so good around him? Why did you feel like you could give hi-

You stopped walking upon seeing a ruin guard up ahead in the distance. You're so stupid, you think. Feeling this way is not gonna get you anywhere, especially with how the bard had been missing for a few weeks now. Ever since you had last seen your sibling.

Where was he, where was he wandering off to? You walk towards the disabled ruin guard, not really paying any mind to it, still thinking about the god you longed to meet with. If you could see him, what would you even say? Would he even answer your questions? Why did your stomach feel so light and funny when you thought about seeing him, why aren't you angrier?

You're almost at the killing machine's level now, so lost in your thought you don't notice the five other similar robots hidden behind a wall next to it. You notice them only when it's too late and you've already turned them on while thinking about examining them and collecting their serial numbers. When you hear the familiar tick of the mechanism turning on, you internally panic and think about running away only to calm down moments later and think to yourself that you can simply beat it and take what you came here for. Even if you are emotionally and physically tired, you can manage, you think.

That was before hearing five other consecutive ticks right after it, and all around you.

Turning around, your gaze falls upon the small army of field tillers. Fuck.

Paimon wasn't with you today, you had asked for some time alone which she hesitantly accepted, so you couldn't ask her to go fetch help. You would have been worried if you had all your capacities but with the state you were in, you were wondering how you were going to survive this fight. You were alone, none of your companions with you, and deeply weakened by the busy day you had and the few hours of sleep you had managed to steal away from the night. Was it today you would meet your doom, with all your questions and uncertainties unanswered?

You tried your best to fight with the strength you had left, but quickly grew desperate after what felt like hours of efforts to swing your blade and being able to only take one monster down out of the six. It didn't help that you got injured along the way, their blows becoming harder and harder to dodge. After being thrown on the grown for the third time, you understood you had at least two broken ribs and that your shaking legs would soon fail you as well.

Fear crept upon you, you would die here today, alone. Alone. You couldn't talk to your sibling after all, couldn't understand. You didn't even get to talk to him one last time. Him... You would die without the knowledge of the truth about your bard. You would die alone. You didn't want that, you couldn't look death straight in the eye.

"Please, anybody... Just help me."

In Mondstadt, there was a musician, a weird singer everyone had heard about at least once. He lived off of his songs and was mostly known for having a great story-telling and being an alcoholic.

The number of people who knew the true nature of his identity were few and he was perfectly content with that. He didn't wish to be a god anymore, his gnosis had been taken away anyway and it's not like he had any power over the city of wind nowadays. Even if his people still worshipped him as Barbatos, it didn't sit right with him to be called a god anymore. It actually never did, he thinks to himself with a smile, he never really took any responsibilities that came with the divine title which is why he was so weak today. But it didn't matter to him, his smile turns into a soft giggle.

Sitting on a mill that was once born from his steps he looks fondly over the city he founded. Even if they were godless, the citizens were still thriving and free. He cared oh so very deeply about the place even if he rarely, if not never, showed the affection within his heart. He remembers the day he grew strong enough to dispel the storms over his actual Mondstadt, and made the weather gentle enough so that there was no need for fireplaces. Nowadays, he loves watching birds nest into the chimney tops and seeing them found their own home. It gave him a sense of belonging like no other, not above his people, but walking among them and watching them nest into this cocoon he created. He was proud of what happened to his land and would do it all over again if he had to.

Especially since it led to him meeting you. This thought doesn't catch him off guard, you often roamed around in his mind after all, and it's not like he didn't write at least three songs about you and your feat, your smile, your courage...

Ah there he goes again, rambling about you in a whisper. He turns around to the statue of him his people erected in his honor, chuckling at how they never made the connection with his signature braids. His, but not really his, since he had stolen this form from someone who was much more deserving of this power than him. Seeing his friend being honored with the statues of the seven around the land made him happy, he hoped that it was a good enough thank you gift in return for everything that the bard whom he couldn't even remember the name of anymore did for him.

Upon gazing at the statue, he remembered telling you of his long gone friend. It was the first time he had talked about him to someone else, he didn't even mention it to Venessa, she who made him believe in himself again. He could ask himself why, but he simply knew that you had something different, more than meets the eye. Perhaps it was because you weren't from Teyvat, or perhaps it was just you being as simple as your natural self but he was simply and utterly captivated by your being. You inspired him to no end, at first he thought it was because he had never met someone like you and he loved new things! But as time grew and he got to know you, he understood quickly the meaning and depth of his passions. He thought of it with a light chuckle, content with your presence alone. He really did need and want you around.

So why did he purposely avoid you like the plague?

The wind had brought to his ears that you had met with Dainsleif.

And your twin.

His first reaction was to search for you, talk to you, he wanted to be here to know what happened! You had searched so long, he couldn't contain himself, still listening to what the wind told him, he started running with excitement but... But wait, Dainsleif was... He told you what?

Oh.

So you heard about Khaenri'ah. He had stopped dead in his tracks and turned back, only sending a warm current of wind your way, hugging you from afar.

He wasn't ready to talk about this yet, not ready to face you and absolutely not ready to answer your questions. He was a coward, he thought, running away like that but what else could he do, really. It was only natural for him to be as uncatchable as air.

A sorry excuse to avoid the fact that even if his past had marvelous story like the one of the nameless bard, it also had its share of darkness, something he wasn't ready to dive back into. Especially not now when your arrival has been shaking this world up like it hasn't been since at least 500 years.

But oh, how he longed to see your face or to hear your voice. So he asked a breeze to report to him what you were up to, and where you were. Just in case! he tells himself, what if you needed help ehe? But he knows you're competent and you won't need the help of a weakling coward like him anytime soon. Or so he thought.

Because when the breeze only gives him a few words back, his blood runs cold.

"Please, anybody... Just help me."

As you murmured these words in your desperate state, not really for anyone but yourself as a last resort, a prayer of some sort, you tried to stand by leaning yourself on your sword and failing miserably. You didn't dare look up as you heard the loud footsteps of the metal giants coming your way. It was over, and you barely managed to accept it.

As you rested your forehead against the cold handle of your sword, you closed your eyes, tears starting to make their ways out of your closed eyelids. All you could feel was remorse.

A soft breeze moved your hair slightly and your chest felt like a black hole had taken place where your heart used to be, regretting to not have been able to meet him under the tree at Windrise one last time.

The breeze quickly grew stronger, until it felt unnatural and you looked up from the ground, only to close your eyes again immediately when you realized the wind was too powerful for you to keep them open. If you had struggled to see though, you would have been blinded by the white light that soon illuminated the whole ruins. You didn't have enough time to register the situation when you felt a hand being laid atop your shoulder, snaking around your collarbones and pulling you back into... nothing? Another arm circled your weak form and a voice you immediately recognized said

"I've dealt with things worse than you, now crumble."

You realized that if you couldn't feel a chest behind you while still being embraced by his arms, it was because he was floating above you, and not standing behind you. A look in his direction confirmed your suspicions but what stunned you wasn't the fact that he was flying, but the attire he wore. Barely covering his body, a white set made of materials that seemed like clouds and liquid gold contrasted perfectly with his regular green clothes. His hair was glowing green and his eyes that were focused on the ruin guards up ahead had a marvelous shine that you had never seen before. He had that same aura he did the night he freed Stanley, but there was also something different about the way his hands gripped you a little too tightly or the way his voice sounded.

"Venti.." You muttered his name, relief and affection flooding you all at once, in his presence you felt as if nothing bad could happen to you. How foolish could you be, just a few hours ago you were speculating wether or not he had wiped out an entire civilisation and now here you were, being saved by him and feeling safer than you had in months.

"Close your eyes, I don't want give you a headache" he said, slowly floating legs first towards the ground. His unusually serious voice surprised you (and him) but you did as he told you. Letting go of your sword and leaning back into him, you let him deal with the monsters ahead of you.

"It's okay, it's over now" he kneeled to be at your level, his arms still wrapped around you, and you didn't have the energy to fight your urge of nuzzling into him. "I'll always be here for you, wherever there is wind, remember I'm here too. You only need to ask."

Being protected by a god really didn't feel that bad. Especially when you were in love with said god.

✧ ✧ ✧ ✧ ✧

Thank you so much for reading whatever this is until the end :’)

Don’t hesitate to comment or reblog, tysm <3

Ps: venti loves u and so do i do pls take care of urself mwah

#genshin impact x reader #genshin impact headcanons #genshin impact #genshin impact angst #genshin impact scenario #venti x reader #venti x traveler #venti x lumine #venti x aether #el writes♡

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ratanslily · 3 years

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Irreplaceable

pairing: bryce lahela x f!mc (Dr. Theia Valentine)

genre: angst but with happy ending.

about the fic: im just giving bryce's premium scene some closure ♡

inspo: this post by @ofpixelsandscribbles

a/n: I've never written for my mc before oof i hope i did her justice!! honestly this fic was so rushed (like all my fics lmao, i write on impulse, not meticulous planning and its a self indulgent fics so i dont rlly expect people to read because i kinds wrote it for my own sanity)

"We should do this much, much more often"

"Agreed."

Bryce looked around the on-call room. So much changed, the beds, the technology, the lights... and maybe them. or maybe he was the one who changed.

Theia smiled and took his hand in his, beckoning him to accompany him back to the party. He slowly removed her hand away from his and took a step back. his face grew serious as he said,

"its.. probably not a good idea"

"why?"

"its just.. I don't know.. just go ahead, without me, I dont want to draw attention to us."

Theia could tell there was much more to Bryce's strange behaviour. Ever since they started their third year, she could see something was wrong with him, something was troubling him. but when they'd get intimate, all worries would go away and he'd get back to his normal self.

so what happened?

"so it's all a game to you, isn't it?"

"wh-what?"

"you don't need me.. you just want me to satisfy your needs"

"liste-"

"No, Dr. Lahela. listen to me.", Theia raised her voice as her eyes started glistening with fresh tears.

"was it all a game to you? I thought we had something special.. something unique.. something homely.. when you dropped your fries just to kiss me..when you comforted within these same 4 walls, when we longed to feel each other when I was sick, when you walked me home after the funeral.. I guess I was a fool, I was just a distraction to you, wasn't it?"

she turned on her heels and made way to the door. Before her hands could even touch the handle, she felt Bryce's shaking hand on her shoulder.

"Theia.. please. please stay."

"what for?"

as much as she wanted to resist, she turned back to find Bryce on the verge of tears, with a face full of longing for her.

---

Bryce never hated anything more than the sight of Theia in pain. tonight, he made her cry.

He never meant to hurt her. but he always knew this day would come, especially since they started their third ywar of residency. He knew she and him would end up on different paths.

so why try? why grow close, just to fall apart? kiss, just to say goodbye? make memories, just to move on and forget them?

but he fell, he fell hard for her. against his best wishes. he found himself caring more for her rather than himself. he found her tears as his own. maybe more painful than his own. when he found her alone on the floor, crying all by herself, he couldnt stop himself from comforting her, feeling the same hurt as she did. they grew closer faster than he imagined, but he loved every second of their relationship.

the day he saw Theia behind the glass walls, trying to reach for him, he aligned his hand on hers, with a glass wall between them. he needed her more than ever in that moment. that night, when he sat by her side, close but not close enough, he felt it.

he felt it surging thru his veins.

he felt love.

but he didnt admit it, for the fear of rejection.

he thought of himself as someone who was easily replaceable, someone who was just a second option to others, never the priority.

little did he know, all Theia wanted is, him by her side, no one else. She never thought of him as the second option, but as the only option.

---

Theia softened at the sight of him holding back his tears and silently cursed herself for being the reason behind his tears.

"im sorry for being so loud, but tell me one thing, Bryce. Do you even need me anymore?"

her words struck him right in the heart.

"if you dont have any answer, I'll go. I'll never bother you again.."

He looked right into her eyes, feeling more vulnerable than ever.

As the tears gently rolled down his cheek, he said,

"I need you, Theia. I need you by my side. I need you to be by my side at every moment of my day, not just at fancy rich parties, but by my side when i wake up to find you curled up in the sheets, when I make coffee for us and you scoff at the amount of sugar i put in our latte, when there's something on my cheek during lunch and you offer to kiss it off. when i have trouble sleeping at nights and you offer to cuddle me until i feel safe. when i hate the movie you pick, and doze off with my head of your shoulder. I would always need you. But.. what if.. one day.. we don't need each other anymore?"

"what if one day.. say when you've completed your third year here and get a job in a place far away, away from me, away from us. what if there's no "us" anymore? what if you find someone better? what if one day, i end up badly heartbroken, if you ever do so? better keep my distance to lessen the pain, isnt it? Im replaceable, after all."

She couldn't believe the words he said, the feelings he was going through. She felt more horrible than ever for lashing out at him when he felt all of this.

She held his hand, and guided him to one of the beds. they sat down together, with her head on his shoulders. Tonight, roles were reversed, she was the one comforting him.

"I didn't know you felt all of this, and im sorry that I misjudged your behaviour."

she rubbed his arms, soothingly and continued,

"I dont know how to tell you this, but i can never go away from you, ever. for physically we may be apart but emotionally and mentally, i find my home and my residence in your heart. I just-"

she took a deep breath.

"I just love you so much. I dont want you to drift apart from me. and from us. I maybe a doctor and such sentimental stuff may sound crazy, coming outta my mouth but, I just want to make one thing clear."

she carefully removed her head from his shoulders and turned to look at him.

"Dr. Bryce Lahela, your name is engraved in my every heartbeat. Other people may try to change it, but I know they're gonna fail, as I don't love anyone else apart from you. Do i make this clear?"

Bryce's lips curled into his classic beautiful smile as he started to speak, but Theia cut him off.

"and you better not call yourself replaceable next time, or im gonna punch you so hard."

she playfully punched him, earning a hearty laugh from him.

"Now, now Valentine, would you give me the mic to talk?"

She nodded and he continued.

"I don't think I expected a love confession to be in the very room we hooked up, ans honestly its kind of iconic, though i expected a few roses and all that glam..."

".. but you're enough to make my heart leap with joy. No roses needed, no chocolates required."

he took a moment to choose his words,

"I may be good at giving prep talks and all that stuff, but wow, I suck at this. Its probably cause i never did this before.. so let me get to it.. I love you too, Theia."

Theia crashed her lips into his for a fulfilling kiss as they both shared tears of joy, finally confessing their love after 2 years of pure longing and messing around.

"Whew, who thought these simple 4-5 words would be so hard to say?"

She simply nodded as she wrapped her hands around his for those precious moments of bliss and joy.

yes, the walls, the beds, the room and the infrastructure around them changed, but they were still the same 2 people as from before, with the same love and feelings in their heart.

and no amount of change could ever change that.

#playchoices #bryce lahela #bryce x mc #t fic tag #open heart #i dont know how to write lol

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chicagopd2020 · 4 years

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New Beginnings Are Good For Everyone!!!

Kim Burgess has loved everything about her job. Honestly it was getting to be a little to much for at times. She loves being an FBI Agent & helping save lives of the people & putting away the bad guys but she is ready for something different. She still wants to work in law enforcement but something with a smaller unit of people. Luckily she made a new friend with a woman that had some into the FBI a few months ago. Erin Lindsey.

She was given the job of showing her the ropes of how everything was done. Within the time that they had soent together they had become very close, she would even go as far as saying Erin was her best friend. She was jealous of her a little though becayse tge unit that she came from in Chicago was exactly the kind of work that she has always wanted to do.

It just becomes a bit much at times. I just sometimes wish I work in a unit like you used to work in, Kim says to Erin

Kim you have been here for right at 5 years if you a change nobody would judge you. Erins tells her

That may be true but I honestly wouldnt even know where to start, all I know is how to be an FBI Agent.

If I can set up a metting between you and my old sargent in Chicago, would you be willing to fly out there for a few days.

You would really do that for me? She asks

Of course as much as you have done for me its the least I could do.

Kim thinking that it wouldnt actually happen told Erin if she could set it up that she would fly out and me him.

Erin let Kim know to keep her a couple days & she would have an answer for her.

Kims weekend was pretty uneventful for the most part. It was just her & her couch...with the work week she had she thought she deserved it. Knowing Monday morning would come quicker than she wanted it to. As her alarm goes off at 4:30am like usual she gets up so that she would have enough time to get ready to make it on time to the office.

She arrives at the office at 6:30am like normal with her & Erin's morning coffee to help them survive the day.

Erin spots Kim walking her way with the extra coffee in her hand. She met her halfway because she was just so excited to let her know about the phone called that happened this weekend. She just had to let her know everything that she was told.

Good Morning Beautiful Erin says excitedly with a huge smile on her face.

Good Morning to you too. Smiling back to her

So I was going to wait til lunch and tell you the information that i found out this weekend but I dont think I can wait that long.

What are you talking about? She asked puzzled

So I talked to my olf Sargent Hank Voight and he actually has an open spot in the Intelligence Unit. He is willing to meet with you next week to see if you would be a great addition to the team or not. I vouched for you and told him that he wouldnt find anyone better.

Kim had this blank look on her face...she just couldnt believe this was happening. She had pushed it of her mind thinking it wasnt going to happen.

I cant think you enough for doing this for me. What if he doesnt like me?

Just be yourself & he will love you. Plus ive seen first hand what you can do in the field. I know you are an amazing cop & would be a perfect fit for the team.

All Kim could do is hug Erin so tight.

She left for Chicago tomorrow & would be there for couple days. She has never been more nervous about anything but the only reason that she was this way was because she wanted it so bad. Everything was packed and ready to head to what she was hoping was the beginning of a new start to the rest of her life.

**Jay**

Ever since Erin had left without saying anything to him he just hasnt been the same. He goes to work does his job but besides that he doesnt really care about much of anything else. His job is the only thing that he has good going for him right now. He would only hang with the team at mollys for few drinks but he would always stay quiet just thinking about maybe what he done to cause her to up and leave him without as much as an explanation.

Everyone was worried about Jay, they knew he was hurting because of her leaving but he never let it affect his job performance. They just want him to be happy and find someone to make him happy again. They all know that she isnt coming back this time. She is gone for good and there is nothing that Jay,Hank or anyone on the team could do to bring her back. Maybe they could talk him into letting them set him up on a blind date.

5 months had gone by and he knew that he should put himself back out in the dating world but he didnt really want to start caring about someone again the way he did her just to be hurt again, but he also knows that he cant compare every woman to her and not every woman out there is going to hurt him or leave him. He just has to be a little more cautious this time before letting someone competely in. Maybe just maybe he might take the guys up on their option of letting them set me up on a blind date, I mean if it doesnt work out i mean at least he cant say that he didnt try.

He walks into the pin and he sees Adam & Kevin having a conversation so he walks up to them with a slight smile on his face.

Set it up. He blurts out

They both look at him kind of lost.

Ok..What exactly are you setting up?

You said that you wanted to set me up on a blind date & i thought that i would give it a shot. Whats the worst thing that could happen....Get stood up or End up not having a good time. I will never know if I dont give it a shot.

They were surprised but they are just glad that he is finally putting himself out there or at least giving them the opportunity to get him back in the dating life.

You got it brother.. They both say with a smile on their face.

Saying that he was nervous was a little bit of an understatement. He had arrived a little bit early just to make sure that everything was fine and set up to his liking. He had been sitting for 30 mins. She was a few mins late...whoever she was.

After sitting there for a little while longer he realized that she wasnt coming so he just decided to go to the bar and have drink or 2 or 4 he hadnt really made up his mind. He was sitting there looking at his drink when he seen a shadow standing next to him.

Is this seat taken? The nice lady ask

Not at all feel free he says as he goes back to nursing his drink getting lost in his thoughts.

Im sorry i dont mean to intrude but are you ok? You dont look the best...No offense. She ask him

No offense taken. I let my friends set me up on a blind date and whoever she was decided that to stand me up, so instead of sitting at the table looking like a fool i decided that i would come over here and have a few drinks. So i guess you could say that i have been better. Whats a lady like you doing out at this time of night?

I am staying in a room upstairs & have alot going through my mind so i thought that maybe if I came down here and had a drink that maybe it would ease my mind a bit and that i would actually be able to get some sleep. She informs him

Are you in Chicago for business or fun?

I am here for business I am currently living in Washington but I have an interview tomorrow and if all goes well then i may just end up permanently in Chicago. Heres to hoping she says as she holds up her glass.

He holds his up as well. I hope everything goes the way that you want it to tomorrow. My name is Jay he says as he sticks out his hand with a small smile.

My name is Kim it was very nice meeting you Jay but I think that it is time that i head upstairs to get some rest so that i dont look too tired in the morning. Good Night and I hope that your night gets better.

Thank you Kim, Good Luck tomorrow on your interview.

As she walks away he couldnt help but to look over his shoulder one last time before she was out of his sight knowing that he may never see this woman again. He was surprised that when he looked over he shoulder that his eyes was met with hers looking right back at him and she turn the corner with one final smile. When she was out of his sight he finished the drink in his hand he decided to just head home, turns out that being stood up turned out to be one of the best things that had happened to him. He really had to thank the boys for choosing such a horrible date for him.

PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK...AND BE TRUTHFUL & LET ME KNOW IF I SHOULD CONTINUE OR NOT????

#jay halstead imagine #jay halstead x reader #kim burgess #chicago pd x reader #Jay halstead x kim burgess #chicagopd

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lekramsyth · 5 years

Text

Deep Flaws

I haven’t been able to sleep. I’ve been mentally attacking myself about my own personal flaws that I’ve failed to realize. Trying to find where they all come from. Hoping that would make them easier to get under control. I use to think counseling was dumb and people should just get over their problems. Now i realize how not dealing with them has effected everyone all along I always clung to solitude so i never had to deal with them. Only person i could hurt was myself. I write this and hope i can always remember my flaws and constantly work on them.

Flaw 1. I think im perfect(or always right). This i assume stems more for my parents traits. My dad never thinks he is wrong and my mom always seems oblivious to her wrong doing. Maybe its more that i never learned how to deal with my inner problems because no one else around me did. I try to stay the most conscious about this though because I really hated when my parent acted this way. However me being the imperfect person i am, i have failed many times. I end up not listening to the one person closest to me who tries to tell me i make them hurt with my character traits. I am working on this by just shutting up and listening. Learning that my pride isnt worth hurting someone dear to me.

Flaw 2. Im selfish this one is a bit more complex. I’ll definitely give my all to people in need. The selfishness im talking about pertains more to my self interest. This is something new that i realized. The reasoning is because I finally started listening. Far too late though. Whenever i want something bad enough, I completely disregard any other persons feelings. Their fears and insecurities completely go out the window as long as im getting what i want. This flaw is all on me though. I trained myself to have no fears so i could do whatever i want. I just assumed everyone is the same. It is highly insensitive of me. The fix for this is to calm down and realize a person isnt telling me no just to spite me. Try to understand their reasoning of why they can’t. Even if I can’t see from their shoes,i can just respect that i was told no, If i trust that person then i should know they have a good reasoning that I probably couldn’t understand.

Flaw 3. Im insensitive. This one is sorta a mixture of the above 3 topics but i want to go more in depth. I do always try to understand another persons feeling. However it is probably more close to sympathize over empathize. Kind of like a psychopath or sociopath would. Only difference is i don’t actually want that person to hurt and genuinely care about them. I have come a long way though because as i mentioned before, i just thought people should get over their problems. I never understand venting or why people seemed to flock so they could confide in me. I suppose i appeared easy to talk to. My insensitive clearly stems from my childhood. I might hate this the most about myself,because i do want to be close to people but feel like i can never truly understand them. I grew up in a abusive household. Whenever the cops where called nothing ever got solved. My only escape was school or so i thought. I was bullied their for either being to dark for my fellow race or too smart. I never really fought back because i was afraid of killing someone from pent up anger. My only other option was to run the streets and i lived in a gang infested area. I got pressed on a daily. Tried to avoid shootouts at house parties but still ended up getting guns draws on me for just trying to hang out. I had no where to escape. The only thing that stopped me from commiting suicide was erasing my mind of emotions to cope with it all. Forgot to mention being poor enough to steal soap so i didnt get made fun of for smelling in school. It wasnt fun but it was my circumstance. This one isnt an easy fix and i think I actually need therapy for. I have someone special to me who is very supportive though so it helps. I do my best to keep it under control.

Flaw 4. Im a poor listener. This has caused many problems for me. Still wonder why most people try to vent to me. I have actually caught myself asking a question and then tuning out if the answer is longer then like 6 seconds. The biggest problem with this is i seem to remember stuff with high importance but that generates to how i value something for myself and not that other person. I was born with ADHD and always had it. It slipped my mind because well whenever you are alone you forget how much things people expect out of you. Even as im writing this I can’t stay focused. I have like 5 other ideas in my head already. It could be a good thing if i could focus on one. The big problem is that i havent been doing anything to manage it. Especially knowing what people expect of me. To fix this im definitely going to start keeping notes and calendar dates of things. I definitely realized this way too though and wish i could go back and change a lot of mistakes i made by forgetting things. I don’t want anyone to think I don’t value what they are telling me or that certain events arent as important to me as it is to them. Im also going to try and have zero distractions whenever im talking to someone because i could literally get off the phone and forget the whole conversation. Also being self aware i can try to concentrate more on details as they are given to me.

Flaw 5. I try to please everyone. This is very bad because it is impossible. A lot of time i do this in disregard to my own happiness and make promises I can’t keep just to make someone happy for a moment. I literally spent most of my life pleasing everyone else so i dont know what makes me happy. I stay at a constant state of content. I end up hurting more people than i do helping. Especially when it involves relationships. I remember telling people i love them just because i thought it would make them happy. This started a cycle of me trying to redeem myself with something that made them happy because I couldn’t give them what they really wanted. Of course it failed and i didnt take the blame because i thought i was too pefect at the time. I wish i could apologize for it all. Also this is bad because i end up putting peoples worth in how much they do for me because i do a lot for them. I should make people happy because I genuinely want them to be happy. Not to fill in some void from my childhood. That brings me to the reason. Through everything i went through i felt like not a single person could help me. Not friends, Family, Cops or God. It was just my brother and i all alone. The only way i could esacpe was running away or waiting until i was old enough to move. I dearly wanted to help people because i felt like no one was there to help me in my time of need. I felt like that was my purpose so i went above and beyond. However when it comes to love. You can only go so far. The fix for this is to really look deep within myself to see what i actually want. Don’t go through with a plan just because it makes them happy. I can’t make my happiness based off of other peoples.

Well did you read all that? I was just venting. Maybe it will help me sleep. If it did stay until the end then i really appreciate it. Hopefully it could help you realize something about yourself! 😊

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lokbobpop · 3 years

Text

Forever

without ever ending; eternally: to last forever. continually; incessantly; always: He's forever complaining. lasting for an endless period of time: the process of finding a forever home for the dog.

late 14c., for ever; from for + ever. Often written as one word from late 17c. As a noun by 1858. Emphatic forevermore is from 1819.

Forever for ever fo rever for eve r f orever fore ver

Writing forever

How this is a falling word how in just saying this word you fall because there is no such thing as ever like when you have your first boyfriend you think it will or well you want it to forever but its just not because for a start you die and it’s mostly love you are looking at and the way we see love isnt really real either as we dont even love ourselves ffs so forever is a fall word until you redefine it of cause to mean something else. Thoughts of my first boyfriend and at the time i wanted it to be forever i wanted ot feel that way forever as i felt unloved up until that point i see and im looking for love in another so i most certainly need my own love right now.

Reading forever

I think of when people say i will love you forever hey who doesnt want to hear this really its nice it make you feel good but dont you think you should love yourself first well at least give it a go and see if your even lovable ?? Do i love myself completely no not yet im working on it but until i do love myself completely how can i ask another to love me i can its a bit stupid for sure.

How nothing is forever like you want to live forever you dont want to die it’s like inbreed in you to fear death as we just dont know it well we dont even know where we came from isnt that just as bizarre as well how come we dont fear where we came from because that could be just as scary as where we are going but because we dont know and its past we dont care about it only where we are going we fear the future in doing this we fear life look at me on the bus today when an old guy pointed out my mask wasnt on properly i got angry pissed off an di could stop myself to put my mask back down and think fuck you i didnt respect his wishes i took it as i direct blame fear anger towards me and I couldn’t just respect his fear.

So id nothing is forever how does this word even exists it should just mean to the best of my ability i will try to do this for the rest of my life because there no guarantee for anything.

But we are all pretty sold on the forever and and want the forever thing for sure hey its like giving up something within you for the forever its ok its going ot last forever so im good i dont have tp do anything because its forever not

Forever in debt some people are forever in this life in debt it seems thing on the neg scales can be a lifetime which is a same like these poor people who will never get the food they need forever until they die sick dieting people poor people forever poor you wont find anybody forever happy though no happiest hasn’t latest within a person yet I doubt but im willing to try at lest with the rest of my life to be content.

Its like mythical its like sleeping beauty you will sleep forever we are even shown it isnt real

Its the same word as never always these words also fall you can do these words these words make you fall a must when it come to living ot change them.

Forever and ever to be with you 70s song englasea i think.

Saying forever

I see my self telling the girls that something will b this way forever because i have said so so hear me now sort of thing i declare this to be forever lol

Diamonds are forever the bond movie and and jewelry shop you can think off. Lol

Thought of when we are all dead in the hear after will we be together for ever lol you never know lol

Does this definition support me no very disappointing lol i want ti forever and i know i cant but hey one thing i can do forever and it os love is to love myself forever this i can do until the day i pass into the next stage of existence which fuck it also unknown shit this goes on hope this is the bottom layer for the sack of all that is here because and what all has been thought in this hell i dont want to do this again i might not remember what i have done in past lives but is this is anything ot go by i know it wont be good because no one has been good this who ends of time.

Forever for level

Forever

To the best of my ability within this life or in this dimension i will try to do what im about to say

I will use this word to support me in this life to makes choices that fit me and that i can do to the best of my ability

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survivor-tierradelfuego · 4 years

Text

Ep. 4: “Oh the classic dilemma of Survivor.” - Leanne

Ryan

I'm going to be honest, I'm not really gonna miss Tyler. I feel less bad about kicking him out now that I know he's played before. He was kinda cocky and reclusive- that's not the vibe we need in our tribe.

Najwah

I'm actually upset and really annoyed that no one else is willing to move their times so I can play too? And no one even acknowledged my message lol I started this game under the impression that people from all over the world would participate but instead I'm in a group with a bunch of Americans and I have to adjust my times EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. It is a lot. I feel like quitting. I mean what's the point? I've been struggling with depression for such a long time, it's been amplified by this Lockdown and being part of something, this whole make believe game brought me some kind of joy. Some light. However, being blatantly over looked and left out because its convenient for everyone else kinda sucks. I'm overlooked and left out of everything in real life too. I don't think this game is good for my mental health actually. I feel worthless and like shit and the person I thought had my back the most, Leanne, seems to be the most annoyed with me. She isnt even replying to me in our one on one chat. Guess she got everything she wanted out of me hey? I don't know whether any of this extra stress coupled with sleepless nights and zero concentration when doing my work is worth it?

Zack M

here i come again, carrying the tribe on my back like i always do. (dolly parton reference to "here you come again" ... available on spotify for those who don't know) this is the second time in a row that i stepped up for the team while everyone else was silent. like it's cool. i don't mind doing it for them as long as we win. it's not fair for me to be labeled as a threat because i do my best .... and that best happens to be sometimes better. idk. i'm just here to play. i don't feel the same drive from my teammates. yes. that's it. i'm here to play to win. they just want to win. nothing is going to change for me. i'm going to do every challenge. i'm going to come with the big moves. i'm going to hurt some feelings along the way. but i need to stay in the game to be able to do that. i'm truly scared i'm going to be blindsided if we don't win. COUGH COUGH IM SCARED IM GOING TO BE BLINDSIDED IF WE DONT WIN AND I DONT HAVE AN IMMUNITY IDOL FROM THE WISHING TREE COUGH COUGH ..... i could really use a wish right now (wish right now).

James Hayden

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ovDd3CLqYos

Leanne

Have ya heard the news? Our tribe finally won a challenge! This is great news, and not just for the obvious, game/numbers related reasons. The night results were announced my Skype didn’t go off all night. All, night. I think there was a block of at least 12 hours straight I wasn’t looking at it. There was that gaming voice in my head that now and then would urge, you know, you really ought to check in with Aimee and see what she’s up to. You know, you had a conversation with James the other day, you better try building that up. But honestly, these last few days have been so peaceful I just didn’t want to. It was too nice being off line LOL. Of course, there still remains the difficulty that I still don’t know where the target is going to land. I had a check in with the “trio”... Ben and Zach. It was “I don’t know” all around. One of them said that the first person who threw out a name would probably be made a target themselves. So no one will talk about that, seemingly, until we lose. Of course, my individual preferences haven’t changed. I’d still like to see either Cody or Sarah go. Leaning toward Sarah at the moment because she seems more feasible. She wasn’t at our last tribal, she hadn’t checked in for a little while, and when we were getting ready to do the challenge last night most of us thought she wouldn’t be around. I was really hoping she wouldn’t show so that I could make a stronger case for that. Precedent shows that lack of presence is the go-to way to get yourself voted out. And I really don’t know who she’s with, if anyone. I haven’t really talked to her. Maybe I’ll float that idea to people today. Instinct tells me that I should get in before the challenge results are announced, because afterward, if we lose, people will be scrambling, and it could land most anywhere. But if I’m too aggressive with this I could be the one throwing names out there and it could backfire. Oh the classic dilemma of Survivor. In other news, Najwah and I have been working together on the idol hunt. She’s been talking to Cody, I’ve been talking to Zach, and so the question we are pondering is whether they’re giving us trustworthy information, both about the search and the game at large. I actually do believe that we’ve been completely upfront with each other and at this point I trust her as completely as anyone can trust in this game. She continues to be my very best ally and I hope we can keep working closely together as this goes on. It’s only hitting me now how hard it is to form impressions of the other tribe based on the info we have. I’ve been reviewing some of the tribal’s, there’s from yesterday and our last one, and the answers are canned enough and United enough that nothing is really said. Everyone in this cast knows we are here to play a social game, and that means not saying stupid things and trying not to make enemies, especially in these early stages. They look strong and unified. They had an easy vote and seem to like each other, which is very much to be expected. I can’t really gleam any subtext from what I saw. Odds are we are just as hard to read for them. We’ll just have to wait and see come merge time, or possibly swap time? At their tribal the question said there was “talk” of that as well. Here’s hoping I’m not the Johnny come lately to that discourse. But even if it is looming, not much to do about it till you get there. I don’t think that’s something you can necessarily pregame for. So there you have it. It’s been a refreshingly peaceful several days and let’s hope it continues. These results could go either way, and if it doesn’t go the way we want, well, then the game switches into the next gear. That would make me very worried for our numbers down the line, but more immediately we are probably all worried about our place at that point. I have no idea what will happen.

Ryan

I am not very happy by the fact that I will have no control in the fate of our tribe.I'm happy we voted Tyler out unanimously, he was someone we all, especially Pedro and I, agreed on very early. it's gonna be tough now moving forward, but I know who I don't want to vote out

Pedro A

So Today we have the challenge....Im scared if we go to tribal idk who will go

Alan B

Yes! I'm so glad we won - the next vote for our tribe is gonna be a tough one, i really hope making the only mistakes during this challenge doesnt come back to bite me! we won right how bad could it be...

Pedro A

WEEEE WONNNN....stream CLC, RED VELVET AND BLACKPINK...you know why?....cause we have the night offffff.....

Amy A

Another night off 🎉🎉🎉. I’m so ecstatic because there’s no name coming up for vote 2 yet so it could literally be anyone even though I think my alliances with people will carry me through. My alliance with Ryan and Pedro is still strong and I have secret alliances w Maddison, John, and Grae even though Grae’s is more shaky. Im going to go sleep with no worry in my mind at all. Maybe except for a tribe swap. Maola ROCKS and seeing us divided will break me 😭😭

Kalle N

I recently found out that John has been telling almost everyone that he trusts them 100% and not just me so I'm working on making a big move to get him out next time we go to tribal (even though I love him and he has been one of my closest allies this entire game). He's just too charming and close with everyone

Maddison

Hi confessional. Really hoping I didn’t just brand myself a threat during that challenge but I’m glad I could redeem myself from the telephone game. I’ve had new people want to work with me within the thirty minutes following, and I can’t tell yet how legitimate their inquiries are. But hey, that’s Survivor.

Zack M

jesus christ. there is so much going on right now. we lost again. whomp whomp. but again, i like losing. it let's me know where everyone's head is at. i'll face the consequences later. i want to flush the idol out but no one seems to be with me. i think either aimee or leanne has it. i want to say aimee to leanne and najwah and leanne to aimee because i know they will tell each other, one of them will use it, and then cody sarah ben james and i vote najwah. bye idol. bye to one of their numbers. 2 against 5, there's nothing they can do. BUT NO. so then najwah reaches out to me and calls me the tribe leader. LOLOLOLOLOLOL. clap clap. she sees right though me BUT she is letting me stay? it really is such a bad game move for her. i feel so bad. so najwah started the "hunt alliance" with me cody and leanne. leanne threw out sarah's name so we are going to pretend to go with that. but now the target is leanne in hopes that we just flush the idol out by vote. i think this is dumb and is going to fuck us over but like maybe people are legit. i really have no idea. and now there's a group with everyone besides sarah. i feel so bad. sarah, you're not going anywhere so don't you even worry! i think my plan is the safest but like no one listens to the TRIBE LEADER.

Cody A

Full disclosure y’all, Im just going to preface this confession with the simple fact that I am UNWELL! I just ask that y’all bare with this confession!! It could be as bad as Nick Cannons (very brief) rap career.. on Sunday one of my close friends took her own life.. and It has been difficult to separate this game from real life. In the real game of survivor I’d be stuck in Fiji with no information from the outside world.. so i am trying to navigate this game and real life at the same time. That being said: this vote could be very simple or VERRRRRY complicated. The plan is for our group of 6 “JESS” to tell aimee, Leanne, and naj, that everyone is voting Sarah.

THATS NOT HAPPENING!!! SARAH (NOT LACINA) IS MY NUMBER 1 & I WILL PROTECT HER AT ALL COSTS!!! Initially it seemed Zack was adamant about voting Naj our and not Leanne???? but I think I did a really great job of convincing him she is a huge threat! (Gotta save my girl Naj!) The real plan is for JESS to put all of our votes on Leanne, who still has yet to have a conversation with me. I feel like I am in a great position but I do not want to get comfortable!

James Hayden

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7oz7uKVXHzI&feature=youtu.be

James Hayden

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wH8nJmP6vhE&feature=youtu.be

Leanne

So we lost, again... just great. First there was nothing. Then the trio chat with Ben and Zach got together to exchange obligatory commiserations and giant shrugs. Then Najwah got in touch. Neither of us heard anything. She actually said because of this she just assumed it was her; I’ll get more into this in a bit. As of now she’s the one I trust The most, so I asked her how close she was to Sarah. Turns out, not very. She wanted to start a group chat with Zach and Cody, for the dual purpose of getting that plan together and for comparing info about the idol hunt. So we do that. After a few more rounds of circling the question of what do you think I said to the group that Sarah doesn’t seem to be available a lot or connecting with people. We agreed, and Zach suggested we get the rest of the tribe together, sans Sarah, in another chat to lock it in. This is after Zach and I said Ben would be in, and Cody said James would be in, and I don’t remember how but somehow Aimee was accounted for. The only other person left was James. My thinking, which both Zach and Cody seemed to share, was that it was better to risk James being close to Sarah than to get him upset by leaving him out.

Throughout the whole thing, Najwah seemed to have an abnormally high degree of caution and concern. She really wants to feel people out first before she does anything, which I don’t think is possible all the time. What if James is talking to Sarah? What if Sarah has an idol? What if the other four have an alliance? Not sure if it’s just me but she seemed to be doing a lot of what if’s, all valid ones but just a lot. She raised some other concern to me in a private chat and I answered her something along the lines of, it’s good to look before you leap but nothing is a sure thing and we have to take a few risks and be ok with not being certain. Well anyway, the larger group chat gets made. But as I’m making the conversation, the talk in the idol hunt chat, that is, the foursome that was just planning the Sarah vote, switches to what people are finding in the idol search. Now, this is a good thing. We did want to compare notes on that so we at least know where not to go. But not at that moment. Because when I started the larger group chat with James, Ben and Aimee, they of course wanted to know what the plan was. This left me all alone to ask them how they felt about Sarah as a target. I really could’ve used backup from Najwah, Zach and Cody in that moment, but instead they were talking about coins and advantages. Again, that’s a good thing, but in that moment, to the other three it almost looked like I unilaterally decided that. It looks like I got everybody together completely on my own and said, hey everybody, here’s what I decided we’re going to do.

Now, from my perspective Sarah was completely my idea, but that’s only my side of the story and I don’t know what other people were saying, and I have no wish to appear to be a dictator. Fortunately for me no one seemed to talk to Sarah at all. The consensus was her contact was brief and spotty and she was away too often to have built any meaningful connections anywhere. So it looks like it will work out and be easy again. Well, at least that’s what it looks like to me. We’ll see. The other good news is that we do have an idol task force. I found out the jacket is a 10% advantage in a challenge; good to know. Also the jewelry box was taken. No word on who took it, but that costs 20 coins. A theory I saw discussed was that someone shared coins or else Amy bequeathed at least five of them upon her exit. I don’t see that as being likely.

There’s got to be at least one more source of coins besides the two known to the group. Seems like we’ve been looking and coming up empty an awful lot. Not sure how candid the group members are being but at least we have an open line of communication about this. I was very annoyed because I felt abandoned by them to deal with the other three but that wasn’t done on purpose, and having this search party is a very good thing. At the very least we can help each other avoid disadvantages. Also, after we talked about Sarah, Aimee messaged me privately, saying she was leaning that way too, and we talked for a little bit. She seems to be talking in these little bursts to most everyone but at least it’s a relationship with potential to be built up further. So to me it looks like we’ve got an agreement and it’s Sarah and it was fairly easy. Of course, they could flip on me, and there’s an off a lot of time before tribal tomorrow, but like I just told Najwah, nothing is certain and we won’t always have every bit of the facts when we make a decision. All I can do is talk to folks, make a plan, and see what happens.

Aimee

Najwah just messaged me saying “So what do you guys want to do?” Except she just sent that message to me. Individually. “Guys,” plural, with an “s.” 👀👀👀👀

Zack M

im going to feel like an asshole tomorrow if i'm not blindsided and the plan goes the way we want it to. i've had a beautiful conversation with najwah tonight and i hope she doesn't think it was all for the game tomorrow when we vote her number 1 (leanne) out. najwah if you're reading this, i'm so sorry. this is a cruel game. i've loved every minute of getting to know you and our conversations! you're an awesome person and i hope you don't hold anything i may do to you against me. i would absolutely love to stay friends with her outside of this game. i just needed to put this in writing before i possibly hurt feelings tomorrow. again, she did call me the leader of the tribe. i would get rid of me if i was them so like anything is possible.

Pedro A

today im going to talk with alan, kalle and olivia

Sarah

Well, the general consensus is to vote me out tonight at tribal because I haven’t been as available this week which is TRUE since I haven’t had service much on my vacation. Leanne threw my name out and everyone “agreed” I was an easy vote. I am trusting my alliance of 5 in Jess (Zack, Ben, Cody, James) and we are voting Leanne. I do have an idol BUT I definitely do not want to play it tonight. Right now, I trust my alliance but if things get suspicious or Cody tells me that Zack or Ben have flipped I will play my idol tonight. To be continued....

Ryan

That stupid idol hunt and the disadvantage is gonna get me kicked out I just know it. F#*k me.

Olivia A

The first vote went smoothly! Except for the fact that Tyler voted for me. My only worry is that he might’ve discussed/decided that vote with someone else. I’m not too worried though because I still feel really solid with the people I’m aligned with.

James Hayden

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LJd1QSw04ak&feature=youtu.be

John B

Thanks to Maddison we won another challenge and honestly bless because I really don’t know who would have gone next. I found out Ryan got a disadvantage for the tribe while idol hunting and I know, Olivia knows, and I’m probably gonna mention it to Grae and Kalle that Olivia told me. Right now I think if we had to go to tribal it might be Alan or Ryan but I honestly have no clue. Alan has the idol which is a good reason to boot them, and if I can get rid of Ryan that will break up the outsiders alliance. The challenge had me scream laughing because I think Kalle and I share a brain. Literally all of our clues were vines and we shared them at the exact same time. I would love to get an alliance going with Kalle Madison Grae and Olivia, I’m just worried Maddison and Grae will get weirded out to have an alliance outside of the core four without Pedro. If it happens I will have Kalle start it up so I don’t look sus. I am v curious to see what the other tribe does for the next vote seeing as the last one was unanimous. Honestly they kind of scare me.

James Hayden

It's two hours before tribal and neither Leanne or Naj have messaged the group to confirm that Sarah's going home. Either they are over confident in their plan and feel no need to confirm or they are planning something else. I'm praying to the Survivor ORG gods it's the first one!!

Cody A

I have bonded with Naj so much these last couple of days. I feel like a horrible person for leaving her out of the Leanne vote, but perhaps I’m the one being left out of a different plan 🤷🏼‍♂️ This game is exhausting 😂

Ben Kessler

Here's my worry: Survivor is not a numbers game, it is a people game. And the people on my tribe are crazy, but I like crazy. I work with crazy. Leanne, Naj, and Aimee are hopefully on the outs. Leanne will hopefully be eliminated tonight. I fear an expansion at 15 and if this happens I will need to throw my tribe under the bus in order to fit in...slowly, subtly, and methodically. The other tribe is not battle tested and neither are we, so my new objective is to ensure that I am under the radar while speaking enough to have my voice in any group. Leanne is most likely of those 3 have an idol, but I would not be surprised if somebody in my alliance had the idol as well. Either way, as long as I survive I am happy. Najwah The last time I wrote a confession, I was having a really horrible day. I was ready to quit but I think after some rest and a good venting session, my head is back in the game.

Leanne, Cody, Zack and I have solidified our alliance. I hope. I thought people would want to vote me out because I haven't been participating and I wouldn't be offended or surprised if they do. Tribal tonight is going to be interesting. Someone has an idol. Or SOMETHING. The jewelery box is missing. I love Cody but I don't know why I suspect he has something to do with it. I have a feeling in my gut. Don't know whether he is double crossing us. Also, Zack said he'd stay on the mountain and then he told us he bought a jacket in the market place. Is my alliance actually working to get me out and blindside me? Lmao I wouldn't be surprised AT ALL. we are all survivor superfans. We all know how the game works. Convincing everyone to vote Sarah was WAY too easy last night. Sarah also seems wayyyyy too comfortable. She doesn't bother talking to people much or she's playing a really excellent low key game. Either way, I commend her and whatever she's up to. I don't know what I think of Ben and James yet They're way too chilled and seem to go with the flow but I know they have their own flow. And they are working together on something. I hope tonight's vote is as easy as people think, even though my gut is screaming that we are in for some huge surprise.

Sarah

Maddison

Fell out of a tree idol hunting this morning. Big win out here in Tierra del Fuego for Maddison!

james hayden

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=npTEWU0Hv5s

Zack M

we are about to go into another tribal to vote someone out and i'm so irritated right now. the plan is to vote out leanne because she may have an idol but she hasn't done anything all day long. najwah is literally messaging EVERYONE but is too scared to throw out a name. she wants to make big moves but can't and needs someone to do it for her. this scares me more than leanne because i'm close with her. ben and i have a trio chat with her. we could easily swoop in and say omg i'm so sorry after and make things ok if there is a tribe swap. leaving najwah gives cody the upper hand. i need the control. speaking of cody. cody and sarah have already early voted. i'm sorry but this just should not be allowed. this game is taking up a lot of time but welcome to survivor. we're all tired and don't want to be doing this on a saturday but here i am. i swear my team keeps losing because none of them are giving 100% like i am. tyler should have been on this tribe and i should have been on the other.

the only person i feel safe with right now is ben. james is a close second.

fingers crossed i don't get blindsided.

Grae G

Hello ok!! So I’m currently on good ground w everyone in the game but I want to solidify bonds w kalle Olivia and Maddison. I feel these people really trust me so I want to make sure they trust me. It’s become clear to me that every person in the game feels closest to John. He’s telling everyone different info and I’ve caught him in several lies- I’m not sure what I want to do about it yet. But as soon as I see an opportunity I’m gunning for him. But if I can’t swing it then maybe Ryan as an easy next vote bc he admitted to me he got us the disadvantage lol.

#episodes

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myinnerletters · 5 years

Text

Dealing with the past has been very hard. I feel really isolated from everything lately, and i think its because in opening one door I have allowed a whole lot of other voices to rise. And yes i havent been back to discuss how to work on them, or to disbar those thoughts but its made a lot of things make sense.

I’ve spent the last 5 years thinking i was empowered, thinking i was doing what i really wanted to do but ive been treating myself exaclty like how i deserve. I still hold the blame. I still feel like that destructive girl who felt like she ruined her family. The one who deserves the pain and deserves the self whipping. IN every aspect, no one can beat me up more than me because ive been blaming myself for all of the things that happened at home. I’ve thought i knew what i deserved, like with boys that i knew where the line in the sand was. But i’ve been allowing all these horrible things to happen because i still believed i deserved it. Like i didnt deserve to be alive. Like i didnt deserve good things because my family are broken because of me.

I try to push away good. I hide. I berate. So much berating. So much putting myself into situations where without realising it, I’m berating and self sabotaging and self destructing. I want to go back to that time and tell myself that I do all the things i want to do. I create a life I for the most part love. I live in a place i always wanted to be. I make friends that I always wanted to have. I create work. I’m my own boss.

Independence becomes everything. It becomes the thing you fight for. The thing thats a non-negotiable. The idea of being in a relationship scares you. it scares the independence that you built over 5 years. The independence that you built after being hurt time and time again, you give yourself the agency to not. To be protected. Something you can control.

You still hold parts of you that believe the pain is deserved. Like every guy who took your body for a spin deserved to treat you like you were nothing. Like someone deserved to tell you shit about yourself. Like you deserve boys who cant fully commit.

I dont want that life. I dont want this pain. I dont want to keep feeling it. It eats me up. It hurts. I know it cant hurt me like it once did, but its super painful. And old thoughts come up, like how im privileged enough and lucky enough that my experience isnt worse.

I sometimes worry that going through this i start to blame dad. I love my dad. I love him so much. But im so sad that i couldnt be protected. That i am still so scarred. I wish he could have done more. I wish i didnt live with these memories. I wish he could have protected me. Now i have to deal with 4-5 years extensive emotional abuse. That is burried so deep down, so protected, so hidden from me. THat the idea of refacing it. The idea of my childhood home. Places, memories, that are so deep within me, now at the surface. Traumatising me. Making me feel lesser than. Making me feel scared.I feel the pain all over again. It’s suffocating.

My best friends away. My housemate is dating a guy I used to sleep with. My housemates shack up with their boyfriends. I want it. But i still feel like i cant have it or dont deserve it. i cant allow myself to surrender to it. I cant allow myself to let that guard down. actions speak louder than words. But i, i feel empty. I feel like somethings missing. I feel change comign. I feel like theres momentum pushing me into a new direction, but i dont know how to get onto those coat tails and let go. i dont know how to give in. I feel that inner turmoil. I feel the pain and the change. Hand in hand. which do i sacrifice. which do i let go.

I am holden caulfield. I am the protector of innocence. of youth. I wanted to protect my inner child. I want to protect me like no one could protect me. i cant have children. i cant inflict that pain. I cant inflict the world on them. of others. i cant allow that pain for others to manifest.

i want to feel free of all these horrible feelings. Ive been keeping them to myself. i dont want to burden others. i do what i do best. keep it to myself. or to two or three people but thats not fair. and then im horrible to my family. which isnt fair cause theyre trying. but im holding onto so much pain, and as i write it feels better but it comes from deep down in my stomach and it feels like choking but then a little lighter cause ive held it all for weeks. for months.

emptiness.longing. so much longing. so much pain. i want so much from this life. ive always known what i want. ill go after it at any cost. i want that change. im sick of sitting with this pain. alone.

i want a boyfriend. id like tal and i to move towards a relationship. id like to feel like im ok with myself before doing so. i want support. i want to be seen. i want to be heard. i want support.

i want change. i want a new agent. i want to tour the show. i want to make change. i want to make a world i care about. i want success. i seek validation. i want the life i dreamed of. i want romance. i want a relaitonship. i want musical tehatre. i want cabaret. i want friendship. i want to feel less alone. i want unconditional love. i want a hug. i want success. i love independence. i love my friends. i love the freedom.

i love my family. they mean well. i love the distance. my heart is heavy. my face hurts. i feel simultaneously lighter. ive bottled for so many weeks. i want to go and kick everything in the dick. i want to keep finding ways to keep me creatively inspired. i want to audition in big things. i want to be seen and heard. i want closure.

i feel like ive thrown up.

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fanwarriorsunite4life · 7 years

Text

So my bad anon, I totally ended up screwing up your ask and shiz by accident but i promise i got it- you wanted me to answer all questions so you got it:

lets get personal.

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?

Its been varying a SHIT ton over the last two months especially, but ATM i currently love:

Body on Fire by Maggie Rose

Too Many Love Songs by Maggie Rose (notice a trend?)

B-A-B-Y by Carla Thomas

I Don’t Believe You - Pink

Life of the Party - All Time Low

Little Do You Know - Alex and Sierra

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

um, all the people I’m gonna meet at ClexaCon in April! Celebs, other fans, and all! IM SO EXCITED ITS GONNA BE THE BEST FUCKING WEEKEND.

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

There isnt a book next to me? theres random magazines on the kitchen table. page 23 is an add for Poise Impressa bladder leakage shit lol

4: What do you think about most?

I kinda really want to plead the fifth on this, but probably two things: how I want to make my work ethic better and make a better difference and how I dont feel I can do that until I get my personal shit together. And how I really want a certain someone to be at my side while I do that so I can be on theirs too. guess thats 3.

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?

From my lil sis: “Okay, np”

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?

lmao it depends. If im really exhausted, then i may sleep without a shirt. If im with a SO then I will sleep naked, but I dont ever do that myself unless I’m just that hungover or something. So clothes it is.

7: What’s your strangest talent?

I honestly dont know lol. erm... let me get back to you on that. Does it count if my left leg is wayyy more flexible than my right? dont ask me why. i have no clue

8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)

girls are a gift to the world. boys are a gift to the world.

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?

Not that I am aware of. Fun (not fun) fact: I’m way more afraid of not being spoken of than being spoken of poorly. idk man. if anyone has written a poem or song about me, plz feel free to share

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?

holy shit, i have no clue. usually im more of an air drums person. in that case, yesterday.

11: Do you have any strange phobias?

I HATE SPUDS ON POTATOES SPUDDY POTATOES SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF ME DONT PLAY

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

not that i reminder? maybe a coin or something as a kid? its very possible.

13: What’s your religion?

if i identified with anything, it would be an agnostic universalist.

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

hanging out with friends and family

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

behind, but i do have a secret desire to be in front of it. my insecurities currently outweigh my ego in putting myself in front of it, but if someone asked me to do it, i prob would. people just dont ask.

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

Halestorm. Without a doubt.

17: What was the last lie you told?

oh god. I probably told one while canvassing today. I said i donated to one of the organizations that i represent but i dont. oops. did it to convince people that they are good orgs to donate too (in my defence, they ARE and they are wonderful orgs, i just dont have the money to donate)

18: Do you believe in karma?

yes, but i dont really use karma for consistent rationalization

19: What does your URL mean?

WE ARE ALL FAN WARRIORS OF OUR OWN FANDOMS AND WE SHOULD ALL FUCKING UNITE IN OUR AWESOMENESS

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

Greatest weakness? I’m loyal to a fault and will fight for what I want till the bitter end. I’m recently admitting that I have the martyr complex, im pretty sure. Strength? You get me passionate about something, you gain my love, then I’m all in. I’ll work my ass off for whatever that is.

21: Who is your celebrity crush?

Kat barrell and Natasha Negovanlis, as of rn. but i love so many others

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

nope

23: How do you vent your anger?

i dont. i bottle it up and try to avoid it. I’ve been trying to go to the gym tho; that helps when i actually do it. writing helps too, when i do it. Definitely need to find a better way to deal with my emotions. its harder to find time during adult life mayn.

24: Do you have a collection of anything?

comics, poetry books, my own writings, quarter collection... probably something else im not thinking of

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

FACETIME IS WHERE ITS AT

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

Yes and no.

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

Sound I hate? loud city noises, particularly construction shit. Love? ... I hate myself, but the sound of people I love telling me they love me too. SHUTUP ITS A SOUND I SAID NOTHING WHAT

28: What’s your biggest “what if”?

Usually its “What if I didn’t fuck up?” or “What if I was reincarnated into something?”

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

I wanna believe in ghosts but i cant say i do. Aliens: hell yeah.

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

Right - kitchen towel and my ECU bag and keys. Left - magazine and table

31: Smell the air. What do you smell?

my house’s normal smell. and food i just ate.

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

My own mind at its worst. Or, physical place, probably a mental hospital.

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?

I cant say; I’ve never been West. So East for now until I see the West.

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

I like never think about this. um. Zayn is cute?

35: To you, what is the meaning of life?

Finding a reason to breathe. Sometimes its family, friends, work, money, power- I think everyone’s meaning of life is different.

36: Define Art.

anything you make to express yourself or help yourself heal.

37: Do you believe in luck?

I kinda have too, I was an athlete.

38: What’s the weather like right now?

dark and cloudy.

39: What time is it?

7:07 pm and im totally running late to pick up my sis. (update - finishing this around 11:11 ooo make a wish cause i had to go get my sis so)

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

Yes. Never “crashed” but have hit someone before and have been hit.

41: What was the last book you read?

A poetry book by Lauren Zuniga. That counts.

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?

No, but I like the smell of paint.

43: Do you have any nicknames?

Laur-Laur, jiggles, cheesecake, Lo-ren, bean-bean.. others I dont think I should name i guess

44: What was the last film you saw?

Baby Driver

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

Injury? Concussion. worst fucking thing of my life. it really was my fault though.

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?

47: Do you have any obsessions right now?

oh god yes. if you know me, you know i always obsess. right now, carmilla and wynonna earp are my top two. easily.

48: What’s your sexual orientation?

bisexual, preference for women, fight me

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?

I honestly dont know

50: Do you believe in magic?

I want too.

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

yeah. Well, yes and no. i dont hold a grudge to never have them apart of my life usually, but i never forget what they did to me. never.

52: What is your astrological sign?

Leo

53: Do you save money or spend it?

lol spend. i need to save. so bad.

54: What’s the last thing you purchased?

groceries

55: Love or lust?

I know this may shock people that know me, but love. lust isnt any good without it. thats what i would pick if i had to choose, but i rather like the idea they exist together. they can exist separately, but they go best together for me personally.

56: In a relationship?

no, but i hope things will get better.

57: How many relationships have you had?

ones I actually really loved being in wholeheartedly? 1. total? 4. I’d say 5 but im not really counting one of them lol.

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

hell yeah

59: Where were you yesterday?

work and then home feeling down. then i played my video game, Just cause 3, till midnight

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

magazine

61: Are you wearing socks right now?

yes

62: What’s your favourite animal?

kangaroos and zebras

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

... be a huge fucking dork and hope they dont fucking hate me

64: Where is your best friend?

.......the ones talking to me? charlotte, greensboro, greenville, raleigh (NC), texas... the one not talking to me? ... virginia/dc area

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.

any of the ones with funny text posts/memes on wynonna earp and carmilla

66: What is your heritage?

im a white asshole with some native american in me. Choctaw. I need to learn more about my family history AND remember it.

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?

finishing up playing my name

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?

angelface

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

BWAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA dear fuck yes. duh. oh my fucking god im laughing so hard at this.

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

loyal to a fault and there at your beck and call? yeah. not always the best listener? nah

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

I’m gonna save the fucking dog and my boss can kiss my damn ass.

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

I’d definitely tell people. At first I wouldn’t know how, and id contemplate if its important enough to tell or not, but eventually i would. id start with those close to me. idk if id want to tell everyone. id want to travel a damn lot with those i love. go new places, try new things, build as many memories as possible. because hell yeah id be afraid. I’m terrified of death and the afterlife; not knowing what happens after we pass.

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

I think love is built on trust, so love. trust isnt always built on love.

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

love on top, beyonce. literally saved my life freshman year of college.

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

F8ME

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

kinda a big one, especially for myself lately. um. I think a great relationship has a good foundation. because in the end, every relationship faces struggles and is gonna be “tested”, for lack of a better word. and what can we turn back to when we feel things arent where they need to be? the foundation. its like a house; if somethings wrong with it, but the foundation is still sturdy, its probably possible and worth fixing. if the foundation is cracked, its more risky; if the foundation is completely crushed, then its probably not a great relationship anymore.

77: How can I win your heart?

Unless you’re the person who currently has my heart right now, you can’t. or if you’re a dog. dogs win my heart. if you’re a dog, congrats. the person who has my heart has to share. sorry, i dont make the rules.

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?

how is this a question? the craziest fucking people in the world are the most creative. Yes, yes, and more yes.

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

this is intense. hmmmm. making a tumblr and going back on it in college. yeah. it led to my last relationship. best damn thing that ever happened to me.

80: What size shoes do you wear?

10 or 11

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

I’d want someone else to write a poem or something about me. i dont want to be buried. cremation bitch (after taking my organs out for science of course)

82: What is your favourite word?

currently i really just like cussing. fuck.

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

the name of my current ex.

84: What is a saying you say a lot?

We accept the love we think we deserve.

85: What’s the last song you listened to?

i legit am trying to look at my iphone to see what last played in my car, but its being an asshole. I wanna say the last i remember is Craving you by Thomas Rhett. im already listening to wayy more country than i usually do lately.

86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?

in order: purple, blue, red

87: What is your current desktop picture?

A quote that says: “i know you’re sad, so i wont tell you to have a good day. Instead, I’ll simply advice you to have a day. Stay Alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and dont give up on yourself just yet. it’ll get better. until then, have a day.”

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

Can I make an entire building explode? preferably -cough- a building that houses certain gov officials i am not happy with -cough-?

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

Any question that I know would upset someone. I’m working on trying to not be honest to a fault. to be honest when need be, and to know when i dont need to be brutally honest. im terrified of being too honest again in general.

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

honestly, scream and be frozen in fear. idk man. wheres my baseball bat when i need it? idc if they arent doing anything, they need to GTFO of my room.

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

teleportation

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

holy crap. wow. a half hour? idk. theres a lot. a recent one is the hayley kiyoko concert though. that concert was just absolutely phenomenal. 100/10

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

I wouldnt erase any horrible experience, because they made me who i am and helped me learn what i know. if i hadnt experienced what i experienced, that one thing not happening can change my entire life.

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

Honestly, right now, I wouldnt. and i dont think i ever would. i get too starstruck easily and have way too much respect and awe for the celebrities i like. i honestly do think of them as higher beings than me (not gods but like, ya know, out of my league lmao) so nah. now if we become friends and theyre a cuddler? then yes i will SLEEP next to them. SLEEP.

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

i have that crazy urge to travel like a crazy person rn, so if i only had one free plane ticket, i’d go somewhere i otherwise couldnt right now, like italy. i really want to go to italy one day.

96: Do you have any relatives in jail?

not that im aware of, but who knows

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?

...actually yes! I was severely dehydrated once and my mom had me drink 3 bottles of water back to back. then we got in the car and as she started driving, i got sick, so she pulled over and i sat there getting ready to vomit when a cop pulled over and was like “hey, you okay?” and my mom just explained i was sick, and as he walked over to look at me thats when i threw up ALLLLL that water. he stepped back so quick and was all like “do you want me to call an ambulance?”. it was great. thats how you get rid of cops. throw up in front of them (sarcasm)

98: Ever been on a plane?

Yup! ive flown to new hampshire and kansas before.

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

probably some long ass rant about how fucked up the world is and how we need to turn around our governments and get them to work back for the people, not for fucking corporations and capitalism, or the capitalistic aspects of socialism.

#ask #anon

0 notes

nihil-a-nusquam · 7 years

Text

A reply to a friends question on how we change thought

Although accurate to the variety of thought processes youre talking about. I am inclined to disagree to the extent of mans interest in thought and reflection. The evidence i bring to the table is myself. Thought, prior to action, as a genetically inherited trait, as in nature over nurture, is something i, and many others, manifest prior to putting thought into action. It is proposed that thought carries weight and thought influences reality. If this is true, then the law of attraction is verified. But. We are a civilization of many many different facets of form of thought. Man as a majority may think this way that you describe, avoiding such things as self reflection, however this could not possibly apply to every single individual. The reason we have individualism is tightly related to society and capitalism. This is the design of thought imposed. You get born, you grow, you learn, you contribute, you react, you decide, you inherit, you waste, you choose, you die. This is an example of the template of life as seen through the eyes of society. This however, is wrong. We are symbiotic, we are not an individual, we are a collection of like thinking minds, meant to cooperate. This is proven every time you strand a group of people on an island. You work together or you perish. But, big brother doesnt benefit off of one person working just enough to scrape by so 5 of his friends can crash at his house. They would rather see 6 people working owning their own homes. Because this facilitates the illusion of money and keeps the people with nothing away from the people with everything. Hence the individualistic perspective. Its good for business. So, you think your an individual, but, even so, how do you think? We are manipulated into the form of thought where what is of most priority is money. Need to eat, need money, need a place to sleep, need money. But those needs turn to wants when the needs have been facilitated. So you got a job and a home but hate taking the bus, buy a car. Car sucks, got a raise, finance a new car. Cause your peers are all in debt but they look like theyre doing well with their porsche and you wanna impress them now that you have the means so you get the newest model porsche. Uth ohhh, your job is downsizing, you got demoted, you cant make your payment, best get a better job. No dont sell the porsche, you wont get pussy ever again. See? So. Wheres the time for self refection or thought in any regard? We are far too distracted obtaining our necessities then our prizes and scrambling around so we dont lose our prizes when we miscalculated that "shit happens" circumstance. You dont need wholesomeness or understanding or community cause fuck it you got a porsche, youre important, you made it to the popular table at lunch. However, i see a different wave emerging from the untamable sea. Where in your generation, your world, you were saturated with opportunities and being introduced to the rat race for the glory of being the cool kid on the block, you were nurtured in the society that set up the race as we know it today. Youre already programmed to think individualistically. Yet, my peers dont think like that. I dont think like that. I dont need to retrain or rewrite my understanding of what it means to live, because i inherited a world of needing to meet necessities while instead everyone is out obtaining prizes. Prizes are good for business. So my peers werent born striving to get their necessities taken care of and then sparking the prize race. They were born into the prize race with no regard for the necessities. And since the necessities have been shifted to the social standing of prizes, for example 20 bucks worth of groceries in the 80s is costing about 45 bucks now (inaccurate inflation example, dont quote me on) so for natural thought to occur it is significantly easier for the fresher generations to comprehend the shift, and to sit and think about things before rushing into a mistake. Because the world is littered with con artist like mistakes. Buy that timeshare. Get this "certified pre owned" car, but dont ask about the warranty cause you got 5 miles before its null and void. Vultures preying on the lesser in the know. Get this credit card, here free money, interest? Yeah im interested. No no, interest, as in you buy 300 worth of stuff and you pay the card back 450 cause minimum payments and INTEREST. Ohhh, oops. I think my point is made. We are so used to happening upon the monkey paws of land mines that we are distrusting in everything we do. So. We think. And that movement, has enlightened us to thinking more and more about many things. If im not worth a home of my own working 90 hours a week, doesnt matter the job, im putting in 90 hours and i cannot be housed, then what is the worth of this stupid fuckin rat race anyway? Which leads to self reflection. Well if what i want is a bed to sleep on, but all i can muster is a friends couch, what would make me happy, since im not worth a bed. Cause fuck this race, if im gonna be miserable financially for the next 10 years, i dont wanna be miserable emotionally too. So we think. What can we do within our realm that makes us happy. And the conclusions we draw are to live a life away and departed from this rat race, this programming and deception. Now that we know the score and that the game is rigged. We do the last thing that no one can regulate. We think. So i think... we think... differently, depending on a complex combination of nature vs nurture and station in which we reside. However. Your observation of this is necessary. Because nature can only account for so many freely thinking peoples. So we need people who had to fight for the freedom to think for themselves. The people that needed to learn how to self reflect. Needed to learn that it is okay to change. It is okay to sell the porsche. It is okay to let go. It is okay to have nothing but yourself and the clothes on your back. No one is grading you. This isnt a test. This is an illusion, a sick joke. And one more note to wrap this up. The law of attraction. Don't be fooled by someone trying to sell a self help book. If it is spiritual wisdom it will be shared, it will NEVER be purchased. But this universal law is very very real. And we have been hearing about it in media for quite some time. The thing that is left out is that we have to DO. You cannot just dream it, just want it, you must do it. You must manifest your dreams. The good news is if you sacrifice to accomplish, you will be rewarded and that sacrifice will be worthwhile. But there are many factors to take into account. Your dreams must have a practical way of manifesting. You will never grow wings and fly. But. You can learn how to hang glide. You will never be the strongest person in the world. But you can be the strongest version of you that can concievably exist. Practical realities. These are all here for you, you just have to do. If youre not willing to sacrifice, then you will not be able to manifest. And if its something else, then its something else. Call it fate call it luck call it whatever but if you are successful without a lick of doing or a lick of sacrifice, you might be in trouble, because you might be filler, irrelevant to the structure of things, you might be set up for a huge fall. And that is why no one wants change. Because we are taught that sacrifice is a bad thing. It is bad for the individual to sacrifice because sacrifice is synonymous with loss. And if you are a selfish thinker, abusive to your friends and family, egotistical and damaging in your actions and words, and everyone distances themselves from you because you will not change. You will never know wholeness. You will never know oneness. You will always be trapped as an individual. Because the system forces you to fear sacrifice, cause sacrifice is not good for business. But if all of us, the new thinkers, the reformed old thinkers, everyone inbetween, started thinking, and tried manifesting a universe where money didnt rule our spiritual well being, well, maybe the universe will plant the seeds of thought for a new generation to harvest change.

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viralhottopics · 7 years

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Why sex and love dont belong in the same bed

Theres never anything profound about erotic contact. Sex is purely a hormonal act, whereas love, as expressed in a hug, brings true intimacy

Sex sells, they say, and Im as guilty as anyone of finding headlines such as How to keep the sex alive in your marriage irresistible. I pore over these articles, never quite trusting their advice, but still discussing them with my girlfriends ad infinitum.

But is sex really about love, about connecting with your partner in some mysterious, profound way?

No, I dont think it is. I think the 20th century made the whole story up, and we bought it because it suited us. We went from sex-shame to sex-worship in a few heady years.

We are told again and again that sex is communicative. I always think, What are they talking about? Have I ever communicated anything during sex? I dont think so. Some women are confident enough to tell their partners exactly what they want in bed, so yes (I mustnt be totally cynical), you might just communicate as well as you do to a plumber, explaining where a leak is coming from. And just being naked with someone is a real act of trust. But beyond this, I have absolutely no idea what is going on in my partners head when we have sex, and he has absolutely no idea what is going on in mine.

I once risked asking my partner whether he thought sex could ever be spiritual. Spiritual! he laughed. The spirit doesnt enter into it. Sex is about lust, about desire, about a particular physical experience that is intensely pleasurable. Its about Spurs coming top of the league, a good day at work, a way of dealing with surplus emotion which makes you able to sleep well. Sex has never been about the spirit, not for a day!

One of the most alarming things about sex, I find, is the role of fantasy within it. Regardless of whether it is true, we are still taught that sex is about love. There seems to be a huge conflict here. Having sex with one man, thinking of another am I persuaded that counts as loving?

In the early 80s, as part of my training as a probation officer, I learned how to be a sex therapist in a week. No mention of the word love, incidentally: it was all technique and teaching my clients how to fantasise about film stars.

At that time, I thought it was all quite amusing. I was in my 20s, and quite happy to share erotic stories with my then husband, about innocent virgins and their seduction. But now I am 56: and thank God I dont know what goes on in my husbands head.

We were lovers, first, at 20. Is he remembering how smooth and silky and firm my flesh was then, as he feels my middle-aged spread? Is he thinking of the lovely young woman whos just started at his work, the one who is turning everyones head? Or is he just away with the fairies? I once asked him what it felt like as a man to have sex and he told me he felt like a bicycle tyre being blown up. Oddly, I found this hugely reassuring. It could have been so much worse.

And what if he could see what was in my head? What if he knew I was thinking of a scene from a Japanese pornographic movie I saw yonks ago? I complain that sex is not communicative except in the most mundane ways. But what if it really was? What if, at the end of the sex act, we swapped printouts of what we were honestly thinking about, whether that consisted of shopping lists or secret objects of lust? Would we feel closer, more loved by our partners? Or would we feel undermined, betrayed, jealous, appalled?

Sex is not about souls. We have sexual desire when we want to have sex, not when we love someone. If that wasnt the case, it would be the oldies who were all having rampant sex after 40 years of a happy marriage, whod be the writers of agony columns advising those poor young people how being kind and considerate and bringing a cup of tea to their partner in bed will really get the pulse racing.

The older I get, the more sceptical I get. Sex is a neutral and colourless thing, and a higher or lower sex drive is caused by hormones that are hard to control. For hundreds of years, societies and religions have tried to harness this drive. But for the past 60 years, we in the west have been quite sure we know best: every other age and culture has been wrong. We are right. Sex is the most profound form of human love, the deepest expression. What a load of nonsense. How were we ever taken in? Because we wanted permission to have a good time.

Sex is not about souls, its about bodies, and the thing about bodies is that they are objects: dont complain about men treating them as such, we women treat them like objects, too. We pierce them, tattoo them, adorn them, beautify them to our hearts content. I was bemoaning this fact to a gay friend of mine, saying: Its dreadful and destructive what modern culture would have us believe. By conflating sex and love, we have young people wanting plastic surgery to change their bodies. They think that by having surgery theyll become more shaggable, and therefore more lovable. Isnt that pathetic?

He said to me: Of course sex is about bodies. And what are the young people who dont want surgery so complacent about? We have the technology. They should be having surgery, too.

I am such a romantic. I believe in love from the bottom of my heart. Theres a couple in our village who have been married for 60 years: I watch them walking their dog every morning, hand in hand. Where has that kind of love gone to? Will we ever get back there again?

Nowadays, for people who have been married for a long time, sex is the minefield that separates them. Everyone feels they ought to be having it, ought to be enjoying it, that it ought to be an expression of their love. They are too tired for groundbreaking sex, but they hunger for affection. Human beings crave to hold and be held, but we stay on our side of the bed in case a sexual performance is demanded. Its all a very sad and sorry story.

How did we get here? Where did we go wrong? Why are so many relationships just so fragile?

Love and erotic love are two very different emotions I would argue they are almost contrary. Love proper is to do with the other person: it is about the care, respect and understanding of that human other. Love like this grows, it cannot help it. The more of yourself you invest in another person, the more you receive. You become as one: their pain is your pain, their joy, yours too.

Erotic love, on the other hand, is about wanting something.

The French are right: you cannot desire what you already have. In fact, another article I recently devoured was written by a French sex therapist. It was about how to have a fulfilling sex life in your 60s. I wanted to disparage it, as I do all the others, but she was absolutely right: keep yourself in trim, buy sex toys, watch pornography, have an affair if you dare, keep yourself aloof from your husband, sleep in a separate bed, use a separate bathroom. And certainly dont allow your husband into your innermost thoughts.

I put the paper down and I thought, Thats all very well, and true, but who would want a marriage like that?

Marriages all about me fail: every time, its unbearable to me, the children are always distraught as mine were when I divorced and sex, in one guise or another, is always the reason. Either one of the partners has fallen in love with someone else (ie, fancies someone rotten and wants to pursue it), or there is simply a mismatch (and perhaps only temporary) of libido. I just dont buy the deep incompatibility malarkey love and sex being bedfellows, the one reflecting the other. Its far more likely youre working too hard or have got young children.

If you want a good marriage, forget the hysteria about sex. Just take care of your partner, have a good chat, make sure theyre OK, and give them a good, felt, daily hug.