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365days365movies · 3 years

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March 16, 2021: Legend (1985) (Part One)

Hi, Tim Curry. How are you doing today?

Yeah, that tracks. Been a while, always good to see you. Man, actually, when is the last time I saw you? Clone Wars? I think so, although I don’t know if that really counts. I think, in person, it was...oof, Criminal Minds in 2012?

Yeah, dude, you were FUCKING TERRIFYING, HOLY SHIT. I feel like people don’t talk about that performance as much, but you were goddamn amazing, buddy. Sorry I didn’t open with this, but...you were my childhood, Ti. Like, from Clue to The Wild Thornberrys to Muppet Treasure Goddamn Island GOD I LOVE YOU IN THAT MOVIE TOO

Amazing. And let’s not forget Ferngully, of course. Look...I love you, OK? You’re beautiful. And I know that recently, you’ve been through a lot of health struggles, and I wish you the absolute best, I sincerely do. You’re the best, man. Hang in there.

Actually, while I have you...settle a bet for me, I’ve got it with myself. Have I...have I already seen this movie? Because I feel like I might have, but I don’t think so. It’s like the Mandela effect, y’know? I mean, if I’d seen it before...would I not remember you in this get-up?

I mean...come ON, RIGHT? I know FOR A FACT that I’ve attempted to watch this movie with friends before, and that didn’t happen. Then, I tried to watch it on my own, and that didn’t pan out because I’m pretty sure I fell asleep after 15 minutes. It had been a long day, I’m sorry. But...I don’t get it, Tim Curry? What the hell happened?

Well...whatever. I guess we’re going to take care of this ONCE AND FOR ALL. Now, who directed this movie?

Oh shit, REALLY? RIDLEY SCOTT! Kick-ass, he did Alien, and this -

And then this -

OOH, and this!

Oh, and we can’t forget this!

And also this!

And...and this...

...And this...

Oh. Fuck, and this.

...

OH GOD STOP I FORGOT ABOUT 1492

...OK, this could either be a very good movie, or a very VERY bad one. I mean...it’s got Tim Curry in it, so it can’t be that bad? And hey, Scott was on a hotstreak at the time, right? What could go wrong? Let’s do this!

SPOILERS AHEADOH FUCK IS THAT TOM CRUISE

Recap (1/2)

...Ahem. Um. OK. Maybe I imagined that image, or it’s from a different movie. Cool. Let’s keep going, nothing to see here.

The opening text scroll tells us that once, long ago, before time was even a concept, the world was shrouded in darkness. But Darkness hid from the light, which brought to the world laughter, love, and...unicorns. Yeah, really. Unicorns harbor the Light in their souls, as the most mytsical of all creatures. They’re safe from Darkness, and can only be found by a pure-hearted mortal, like Jack, a denizen of the forest. He is loved by Lily, and both believe only in goodness. But not for long, as a struggle for the balance between Darkness and Light is about to commence, and in that struggle will be born...Legend (1985), dir. Ridley Scott.

As the opening credits roll and confirm that Tom Cruise is in fact in this movie, I take a brief moment to vomit lightly.

At night, walking through the forest, there is a creature with some...bad-ass makeup and costume design GODDAMN. Like, yeah, that category’s already looking good. Anyway, the creature goes through the forest, and finds a den of fire and torture, all lorded over by a horned man, who speaks Mother Night, asking for her protection.

This is Darkness (Tim Curry), and...fuck me, holy shit, I GET it. Like, this dude began an entire movement and aethestic, and it makes a fuckton of sense. THis dude must have given birth to, like 10,000 goth children, goddamn. Anyway, he commands his goblin henchman Blix (Alice Playten) to find a unicorn and kill it, and to bring its horn back to him. Blix, the rhyming cretin, asks how to find them. And Darkness answers with the perfect lure: innocence.

That innocence is symbolized by Princess Lily (Mia Sara), a maiden cavorting happily about the wood, without a care in the goddamn world. She visits her friend Nell (Tina Martin), and briefly has a vision of winter in the cottage. Nell notes that it’s time for her to grow up a bit, but Lily’s only concerned with finding her sweetheart, Jack.

And Jack is...well, Jack o’ the Green (Tom Cruise) is a young man who lives in the forest, with his animal friends. An innocent himself, he’s basically Peter Pan, with Lily playing his Wendy. Except, well, they’re not THAT innocent, because they, like, IMMEDIATELY make out on the forest floor. Which has to be uncomfortable, real goddamn talk.

Jack teaches Lily to speak with the birds, then takes her to see something wonderful and rare. All the while, they’re being followed by Blix, who believes that their innocence will attract the mystical unicorns. And, uh, yeah, Blix is entirely correct about that, because here they come! And they’re making whale noises?

Apparently, as long as unicorns roam the Earth, evil can never harm the pure of heart. They express only love and laughter, and dark thoughts are unknown to them. Which Lily takes as an opportunity to go hang out with them, despite Jack’s urgings.

But the unicorns seem receptive to her, to Jack’s...frustration? He just kinda leaves her behind for some reason. And Blix takes the opportunity to hit one of the unicorns with a poison dart, causing them to be startled and storm off. Lily flees into the forest, and is immediately scolded by Jack, saying that what she did is forbidden by magic forest law. OK. She’s as confused about that as I am, but she still apologizes to him.

The two kiss, and Lily makes a promise to him and the universe, I guess, and says that whomever finds her ring will have the right to marry her. She throws it, and Jack IMMEDIATELY JUMPS OFF A CLIFF AFTER IT GODDAMN MY MAN! Lily screams hysterically after him for...some reason?

However, this isn’t great timing, because Blix and the goblins have caught up to the poisoned unicorn, and they cut off its horn, immediately plunging the forest into a fierce winter, similar to what Lily saw in her vision. Jack, in the river looking for the ring, is trapped underwater, beneath ice. By the time he breaks out, Lily’s already run away, to Nell’s place. Nell is frozen solid for some reason, and the goblins are also coming off after Lily for...some reason.

Lily hides, as Blix and his two companions Pox (Peter O’Farrell) and Blunder (Kiran Shah) exposit the whole thing so that Lily’s caught up on her fault in all of this, and once they leave, she promises to make it right. No idea how she’s gonna do that, but sure.

Jack, meanwhile has collapsed in the woods and snow. He’s woken up by a spirit of the forest named Honeythorn Gump (David Bennent), who is...interesting. He asks Jack what in the FUCK happened, and Jack admits that Lily, a mortal, touched a unicorn, which is apparently the ultimate no-no. Gump’s pissed, but the ACTUAL SECOND that Jack says that it was for love, Gump’s just...totally cool with it? They have a drink with Brown Tom (Cork Hubbert), and agree to help him find Lily...like, immediately.

They quickly find the dead unicorn, and yeah, the unicorn is FUCKING DEAD after losing its horn, and its mate shows up to mourn. Jack and Gump mourn with the magical creature, which looks REALLY BIG for a horse, Jesus. She stays with her fallen mate, and Jack goes back to the group, delivering the news that they’re cursed? No idea where that came from.

To lift the curse and get the horn back, they must find a champion bold in heart and spirit. Gump IMMEDIATELY nominates Jack, and takes him to some cave where he can find weapons and armor. He’s guided by Oona (Annabelle Lanyon), a fairy who is LITERALLY NAVI FROM ZELDA, I CANNOT STRESS THAT ENOUGH

Oona reveals her true form to him secretly, then notes that she could be anything he wants her to be, even his heart’s desire. COMIN’ ON A LITTLE STRONG THERE OONA. Anyway, in the vault of golden weapons and armor and...gold, Jack grabs a sword.

Meanwhile, Lily follows Blix and his group, where Blix uses the magic of the Unicorn Horn (or the Alicorn) to demonstrate his newly found prowess. But as he’s claiming to take over Darkness’ kingdom. Just then, Darkness shows up and claims the Horn for himself, and kills Blunder when he talks back. Darkness asks whether or not the Unicorns are both dead, and reveals that his power will not be complete until the female Unicorn is also dead.

Lily runs off and makes her way back to the Unicorn and Brown Tom, and warns them of the Goblin’s approach to kill the Mare. Brown Tom, who I think is either a leprechaun or a brownie, fends the Goblins off, while Lily and the Mare...DON’T RUN? FUCKING RUN YOU ASSHOLES!

Tom gets shot by an arrow...in the hat. He immediately falls dead, despite being totally fine, the dick. And Lily and the mare are captured, BECAUSE THEY DIDN’T FUCKING RUN WHEN THEY SHOULD’VE. Jack, Gump, and the leprechaun/gnome/brownie/halfling Screwball (Billy Barty) come to “rescue” him. He tells them that Lily’s alive, and Gump takes Jack to the Great Tree for the next step, accompanied by Screwball and Tom. There, they find...

WOW. THAT SHIT IS COOL. This is Meg Mucklebone *Robert Picardo), and this thing is absolutely my favorite thing in the movie so far...AND THEN JACK KILLS HER IMMEDIATELY. JAAAAAAACK, WHAT THE HELL, she was really cool. Goddamn it.

The group gets to the great tree, then falls into an underground prison, where Blunder is also held. The group is NOT where they want to be, right in Darkness’ lair. Nice job, Gump. In the prison, the guys, now joined by fellow brownie/dwarf/gnome thing Blunder, hide from one of Darkness’ men, as he takes Blunder away to the torture table.

Stuck in the cell, Jack suggests that Oona go and get the keys. However, her ability to transform into a humanoid form was a secret between her and Jack, and she’s upset by him revealing it. Gump’s also upset by the secret in and of itself, but she defends that her secrets are hers to keep. You tell him, Oona!

She then says that she’ll only do what Jack wants if he kisses her, GODDAMN IT OONA. NOW IS NOT THE TIE TO GO ALL TINKERBELL IN HOOK! He gives her a little peck, but she transforms into Lily to make him give her a real kiss, dear lord that is CREEPY, OONA! Jack almost kisses her, but refuses at the last second. He notes that human hearts can’t be won over that way, which greatly upsets Oona. Still, she ends up getting the keys for them regardless, and sets them free.

And at this point, we are halfway through, so FUCK IT. PART TWO! See you there.

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cosmospoons · 6 years

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House MD season 2

30 second episode recaps from someone whos just watched em for the first time and has bad recall

Ep1: they gotta cure the death row dude so he can go back to death row to b killed, cameron is Bad at telling ppl they're dying, house n Wilson had lunch with the coma guy, they cured death row man, also they changed the theme and I hate it Ep2: House has hayfever lmao, this cancer girl with hallucinations is honestly just the coolest she's so positive I love her, shes nine and got chase to kiss her hero,, house an Wilson have a shared balcony amazing, Wilson is so good and pure and is amazing at his job holy shit I love this man. House actually 'temporarily killed' the patient to cure her and made people run drills on a dead man. House is 400% going to buy a motorbike Ep3: i prayed for Cuddy's handyman to fall off her roof past the window and then god answered my prayers and he did, house broke into Cuddy's house mainly to look at her underwear lbr and then won the 'can we chop off his arm' argument, house secretly speaks spanish and waited for the most dramatic moment to reveal this, they gate crashed a cock fight (ayy) and saved the patient Ep4: the patient is a doctor with an ego ((according to house lmao pot, kettle)) who wanted to sit in on the diagnostic process and honestly is actually full of himself,, house puts him on a tippy table and cranks it up, foreman made a patient cry except he was pretending to be house lmao house got in shit,, Cameron needs to stop please, can the patient get his head out his arse please. house gatecrashes the press conference that the patient called and managed to put him into cardiac arrest on live television and eventually cured him of everything cept bein a knob Ep5: Wilson's handwriting is such doctor handwriting and house definitely bought a motorbike and made Wilson pay for it he's so pleased with himself. The kid keeps getting electrocuted but like,, by his own body. House is avoiding his parents but Cameron n Wilson aren't letting him get away with it. I love house n Wilson's friendship so much it's worth 5k apparently lmao. These patients are fukin serial liars jc why are ppl like this, it was rADIATION wow houses dad is a fucking DICK. There were so many good interactions and the house/wilson ship is sailing Ep6: there was a cyclist who took a LOT of drugs which turned out to be curing him of the thing he had, house is a douchebag but we all knew that - he may b a dick to mark but m sure mark deserves it n I love him anyway. Wilson remains a sweet boy even if he cheats idgaf he's adorable look at him ((wilson: i net someone who made me feel funny, me: was it hOUSE)),, he n house are balcony buddies and house shud stop stealing his food, and he should definitely stop digging thru stacys life but actually fuck it why not he's not gunna let go of this why is she so pissy i wanna know Ep7: I love houses new pet rat Steve McQueen,, Wilson is 4000% done with houses Stacy related antics which is fair tbh he should stop but I actually don't give much of a shit about Stacy I've taken against her....he did deserve what she said after reading her file tho. The patient may have given Cameron aids and Cameron got high and slept with Chase, who she may have given aids lmao these ppl r messes but not as much of a mess as that father/son relationship jc...i dont remember anything else about the patient whoops Ep8: chase is being suuuueeeeddd and he keeps lying about why lmao,, house fuckin reamed him one which was probably called for but maybe not like that, turns out chase screwed up cus his dad died and foreman is houses boss ((supervisor)) now how well do u think that's gunna work (((not very))) Stacy's still a bitch and has ~~feelings~~ Ep9: foreman is in charge and house is doing his utmost best to be the dick of the year and it's fucking hilarious honestly I love this man the shit he pulls jc,,, Wilson is super aware of houses antics as usual and had a mild gay panic when foreman started to question him about house,, the patient was a big ol Faker™ but surprise surprise she was actually sick this time ((house totally injected her with a load of stuff so she’d b readmitted after they’s released her)) Ep10: house solved a case thru the phone alone and spent most of the ep at the airport except for those five minutes when he almost slept with Stacy who once had a terrible experience with curry apparently and called house a vindaloo, nice restraint very well timed phone call thank fuck,,, they will sleep together tho and I am Not Happy about it....the power play amongst the fellows is a boiling pot of trouble - the patient was v interesting I enjoyed the word scramble game Ep12: WHAT A GOOD FUCKIN EP so the patient orgasmed in the white chamber while unconscious and covered in burns but more importantly house gatecrashed the lecture of his old archenemy that he had arranged just so he could disturb it and criticise the dude who got him thrown out of med school for snitchin on his cheating all whilst Wilson told him to get better hobbies (('a hooker anything please')),, to test this dudes migraine meds he gave deliberately himself a migraine and the meds didn't work (unsurprising) so the fellows turned out all the lights while he had a nap under the table,, wilson took a diff approach and deliberately made a Lot of noise because he is a Shit even if he hides it better than house,,,, then house dropped a tab of acid and took a bunch of antidepressants, and cured his migraine as well as the patient Ep13: houses leg was super duper sore but at least we got some fantastic house/wilson interaction when wilson pretended to be God during that MRI, even if house hit him with a cane.... The patient was a teen supermodel who seduced her own father to get whatever she wanted,, house was super sure she had cancer and it turns out she did but it was testicular because she had xy chromosomes and was immune to testosterone - which was really fucking interesting...... Also cuddy played house like a violin and gave him placebo saline instead of a morphine shot to prove to him that his leg pain was psychological Ep14: House is stealing organs now. Ok so technically he did get the husband's permission to steal his newly dead wife’s heart for the dying old dude with a strangely young daughter but only after he kneed house in the balls super hard. House spent the whole ep goin on at wilson about the affair he thought he was having and at the end wilson showed up on houses doorstep but sURPRIse !! It was his wife who was sleeping around!! poor baby Wilson I know what goes around comes around but he's such a kicked puppy cmon Ep15: Wilson and house living together is a recipe for disaster and I'm living for it so good so many good interactions I love that house is gunna keep him for his food ((I'll never b over house hearing the voicemail about Wilson's new place, looking over at him sleeping on the couch and then deleting it so he has to stay)). The patient had a super cool marriage and didn't have lupus except whoops actually not a happy marriage his wife is tryna kill him thru gold poisoning. House needs to stop accosting ppl in bathrooms and should also stop destroying marriages Ep16: oh man good shit so,, first of all house n Wilson are still living together and there are some Domestic Antics happening right here including but not limited to a prank war which house desperately tried to get Wilson to participate in, the peak of which had house making Wilson wet the couch and Wilson sabotaging houses cane. The patients mum was ridiculously overprotective and house essentially kidnapped the patient to find the tick noone else thought was there,, surprisingly Wilson helped set that up despite the fact house was the reason he woke up wet that morning Ep17: first things first house could absolutely clean everyone out at poker if he knows Cuddy's tells that well through just a phonecall,, also he needs to stop calling Wilson out on his toenail varnish habits lmao. The patient was a smol boy who presented the same symptoms as an unsolved and dead case that house had 12 yrs ago so he really wasn't gunna let this one go cus he's like a dog with a bone. They were in formal wear all ep which was a Good Look™ and Wilson's retelling of how he won the poker championship may have been one of the cutest things I have ever seen Ep18: Emma from Glee is here and she has the black plague,, her gf decided to donate her liver n Cameron was all het up cus house had worked out plague girl was gunna leave her and sending the gf in blind would be ~~unethical~~ but turns out she knew and deliberately did that so Emma would stay with her out of guilt lmao. In other news Cameron's pissy cus foreman 'stole' her article and house spent most of the episode napping cus wilson is fuckin up his sleep cycle ;) I'm upset there was no physical wilson Ep19: the most annoying patient so far appears in the form of a 15 yr old faith healer with herpes. I feel like the degree to which unrelenting niceness irritates me rly says something about me but eh oh well. Chase (ofc it was chase) kept a tally on who was winning God or house, faith healer managed to shrink a womans cancer tumour through giving her herpes (((a miracle praise be))) and during poker night house called wilson out on sleeping with said cancer patient and discovered wilson was actually living with her whoops bad Wilson ((he totally regrets his life choices ((he should)))) Ep20: HOLY SHIT ITS A TWOPARTER AND FOREMANS GUNNA DIE !! Ok so,,, there was this cop who couldn't stop laughing till he could but then it got a lot worse and then foreman caught whatever it was which they began to realise when he smirked as house shot a corpse to see what a bullet in a brain would do to an MRI ((spoilers it broke the machine)) anyway long story short it wasnt the pigeons and the cops dead and foreman is gunna die even after that shitdick move he pulled where he stabbed Cameron with a needle so she'd go to the apartment Ep21: HOO BOY OK SO a lot happened so much happened the most important thing is foreman by the end of the ep is mostly kind of ok - he's just a bit muddled on his lefts n rights. During the ep house was stressed the entire time cus even tho he denys it he does love n care for his ducklings,, he even cares enough to deliberately attempt to poison Steve McQueen which didn't work but can be added to the list of stressful events. Cameron grew a spine a lil bit I literally yelled when she berated cuddy and she forced the biopsy cus foreman had the foresight (ayyyyy) to make her his medical proxy even if house managed to find the problem anyway so it was ultimately unnecessary and has just resulted in some possible brain damage Ep22: house keeps trying to pick a fight with foreman and failing because Foreman's all happy go lucky now, the patient was mad because of a thing and killed her baby accidentally on purpose, the music that played during the baby autopsy was super unnecessary and bizzare, and in the end the woman had cancer but she's refusing treatment cus of the baby guilt. Cuddy didn't have cancer, which we know because Wilson ((WILSON NOT HOUSE)) stole her dna and ran secret tests in the middle of the night, but it still wasn't a date Wilson despite what house said about skin lessions she was actually just going to attempt to use u as a sperm donor - have fun at the L-word marathon with house you big sad loser (I love u) Ep23: we meet an old house friend which is Super fun he is ridiculously naive and I love that he calls house g-man holy shit. House is now giving cuddy injections as part of a fertility treatment which is nice of him especially seeing as his leg was in a Lot of pain this ep,, like a LOT...he's self-injecting morphine now which is probably bad :/ house's friend's daughter was the patient at one point she pooped out her mouth gRoSs and house ran a paternity test n told the girl she was actually the dudes daughter ((except he was lYINg in support of his friend)) he does care Ep24: HOUSE GOT SHOT WHAT IS IT WITH THIS TEAM SUFFERING RN JC this was a very fun episode of 'guess when house is hallucinating', spoilers the answer is all the time the whole ep takes place in his head. That aside I absolutely loved the hospital gown/trainer combo (no I won't apologize) and the fact that house did almost none of his physio - instead relegating it to others which is....not how it works. The hallucinatory clinic patient was freaky deaky his eye exploded and so did his dick but dw cus to escape the hallucination house killed him ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ what can u do. At the end house woke up n requested ketamine we'll see how that goes

Season 1

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wellmeaningshutin · 7 years

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Short Story #93: Prophets

Written: 4/10/2017 Interwoven Week

The city didn’t know how it happened, but a noticeable amount of their homeless population had begun to think of themselves as reincarnated prophets, and for an entire Summer it seemed like people couldn’t go anywhere without running into a reborn Jesus, Mohammad, Buddha, etc, and some had even reported running into men and women who claimed to have the soul of the late L Ron Hubbard. First the city council had decided to create rules that required any of these preachers to require permits to do so, but it turned out that they all refused, think themselves as prophets, not preachers, and the police were frustrated that a lot of their time was being sunk into cracking down on a bunch of harmless, although crazy, people. So, the city council designated on street to be the only place where these prophets could speak their mind, as a way of sweeping it all under the rug. So, on N Rosewood, prophets stood next to each other on the sidewalk, trying to get their messages out to those who would hear it, which were mainly people traveling through the city to reach their real, far away destinations, or just simple tourists coming in from out of town, who were all bewildered, but somewhat in awe, of the lines of homeless who shouted at the cars, trying to spread the word of their own personal gods.

Among the crowd was a man who knew that he was the real second coming of Jesus Christ, and although it was discomforting that he had to stand among these delusional people, he knew that he had handled lepers, so this couldn’t be any worse. Besides, he was the real deal, and his stay among this group was only temporary, and he both understood and forgave the authorities who had crammed him in with this lot, because they didn’t yet have a reason to know that he was different. However, he had no idea how he was supposed to pull off the miracle that would separate them from the rest, so he spent his days trying to spread the word of the lord, “When my body left this mortal Earth and the ground had split open in a farewell, I saw my father once again and he told me, ‘Son, you need to go back down to Earth in a little while, to make sure that they understood your teachings.’ And when I came back I found that the church had usurped the religion itself, they had fabricated lies and had done evil. I did not want, or even ask for the Crusades, but many had claimed to do so in my name. I did not support any wars, and I especially didn’t support the pope who blessed bombs that were dropped on his fellow men. I can’t understand why so many people worked to cover up what the priests had been doing to children, because it doesn’t matter if it all makes the church look bad, I couldn’t care less about the church. You do not pray to the church, its all about my father.”

“You mean my father.” Said an impersonator at his side, “But I’ll let that slide since you do not knoweth what you say is wrong.”

“And I’ll let your misunderstanding slide, because you don’t understand not what you do.”

“You seem like a reasonable guy,” adjusting his sunglasses, “not like a lot of these nuts. What’s your name pal?”

“Jesus Christ.”

“No shit, my name is also Jesus. So, what’s going on with this place?”

“Well, I think the city decided that this would be the easiest way to-”

“No, not this street, I mean with, like,” making a spherical motion with his hands, “the whole world. What’s up with all of these different churches that had formed based off of our teachings? Its like people can’t read the bible for themselves, and they have to subscribe to a certain way of interpreting things. What happened to being a good person, doing no wrong, not judging others, eh?”

“Yeah, I see what you mean. Although, I’d have to disagree, since I really agree with the teachings of-”

“And that’s how I know I’m the real Christ, and you’re just another one of these poor, delusional folk. However, I know there is good in your heart, I know you are misguided, you are a lamb astray from the frock.” On the other side of the street, the two conversing Christs had seen a man dressed in a toga, who apparently believed he was the second coming of Zeus. “I will not go into an argument about why the churches themselves are wrong, because you may not have the ability to understand it, however-” the man who knew he was the real Christ listened patiently to this delusional man, “-I think we can both agree that some religions have become an intense bastardization. Like, what’s up with Mormons? Who the fuck thought it was reasonable to believe in fan fiction?”

“Well,” grinning, “I will have to answer your question in a bit, because I have a question for you now: if you are the real Jesus Christ, and I am not, then why do you swear?”

“Swearing is not inherently bad, there are no words that are immoral. It is not my fault if you place so much power on the words of men, if you chose to see evil and sin where none lies. This question further shows that you aren’t-”

“Whatever guy, I never swore during my fist visit to Earth, you can look it up in the Bible. So if I never swore then, then why would I swear now? Why wouldn’t you act like-”

“Times have changed, and with modern times you need a modern message. If I want to say fuckhead or shitass, then is fine, as long as I do not use these words to inflict emotional distress onto others. See, I’m the real Jesus, so everything I do is what Jesus would do. Like, take last night for example, I got stoned and ate an entire box of crackers, but that doesn’t make me less holy.”

The other Christ just smiled, and knew that the other man was so deep inside of his delusion that there was no breaking him out. So, he decided to respond to the previous question, hoping things could become more productive, “Well, I-”

Before he could respond, a third man walked up to them, dressed in a glittery track suit, also claiming to be Christ. “Hey, you guys are a couple of Christs right?”

“Yeah,” the Christ with shades had said.

“Cool, cool. Well, I’ve been going around asking a lot of us questions, because I have a sneaking suspicion that somebody may be the second coming of Satan, only pretending to be one of us.” The two Christs nodded their heads, as if they had also felt the devil’s presence. “Anyways, I have some questions to ask just to test things out. So, like, what are your views on rock n’ roll music?”

The Zeus was beginning to yell, “Wake up people, Cronus is not dead, he is coming for all of us, he can not be stopped! You, mortals, must bring the pantheons to their former glory-”, while two Buddhas wondered if a god belonged among the prophets, but they also had a hard time trying to figure out if the Christs counted as gods or prophets, until they decided to relax for a while, to let the confusion dissipate. A tourist drove by to see these Buddha’s forms of meditation, which looked, to the tourist, as two sweaty and shirtless homeless men who were taking turns giving each other back rubs.

“Well,” said the “real” Christ, “rock n’ roll music is from the devil, and I do not like it.”

“Actually,” Said the shaded Christ, “Rock n’ Roll music is completely harmless, and was actually created by me up in heaven, when I shredded on my guitar, to make a pure form of music that would be very enjoyable for mortals down below, because I do not want anyone to suffer. The devil has only claimed this music as his own, in order to deter the pious away from it, so they can fall into the clutches of truly sinful music, like jazz. You ever notice how jazz is the perfect representation of chaos, how its just atonal notes layered on top of each other with no form, no rhythm, poisoning the soul with ideas of-”

“Have you even listened to jazz music? That’s the real divine music, and I know because in my room, in my father’s kingdom, I have a large piano that I played constantly. I used the beauty of the notes to-”

“Yeah yeah yeah, a lot of tough talk for the devil.”

“You’re the devil!”

The glittery Christ watched as the “real” Christ threw a left hook and landed it square in the face of the pro-rock Christ, causing the man’s sunglasses to break. After reeling backwards in pain, having his sunglass fragments fall to the floor, instead of retaliating, he only turned his cheek. “You,” said the glittery Christ to the injured man, “are not Satan. I can tell this. The real Satan would not only have struck the other man back, but he may have also turned him into a goat, which he would sexually abuse and then skin alive, maybe turning it into a sort of hat that he could wear as he drank blood in the moonlight. I can tell that you,” pointing at the aggressive Christ, “are Satan himself, because you have struck the man in the first place. Even if you-”

“Wait a second-” said the Jesus whose fist was slightly bleeding, “Why would the devil bother blowing his cover by attacking somebody? You know what I think?” Turning to the man he had struck, “I think this guy is actually the devil, because he’s going around trying to make sure that other people look like the devil, making him seem above suspicion. The devil is a master of lies, he is the great deceiver, and he is doing that by making these delusional Christs think that one of them is Satan, but he never makes them think he is one of them. Its like he’s a spy who is in charge of finding spies.”

“And-” Said the Jesus with a now bleeding nose, “you becoming angry and striking me is because you are only human, instead of the son of God that you think you are.”

“Well, that’s your opinion.”

“And if you were the devil, you would-”

“If he was the devil,” said a fourth Christ, who was also in the process of eating a hot dog, “he would probably be trying to convert everyone to one of the demonic religions, like Buddhisim or Islam.”

“And,” pitched in a fifth Jesus, who was secretly also trying to befriend these other Christs, “if he were Satan, than wouldn’t he be trying to get people to vote for Hilla-” the other Christs cut him off by groaning very loudly, and the fifth Christ walked away in embarrassment, trying to find another group to worm his way into.

“What kind of Jesus does that guy think he is?” Asked the fourth Christ, “Who the hell tries to-”

“Hey,” Said the bloody knuckled Christ, “Language.”

“Sorry. Who in the H tries to mix religion and politics? That’s what killed Joan of Arc people.”

“Yeah,” Said the bruised Christ, “politics and religion shouldn’t mix, because-”

“SATAN!” The glittery Christ yelled as he pointed to the injured Christ, then at the other who was tearing off a chunk of a greasy hot dog with his teeth. “SATANS, ALL OF YOU! Everyone knows that the real Jesus would know that his religion was the true religion-” Twenty different prophets nearby heard this and scowled, some complained about how silly it was that the Jesus’s thought that they were the real deals, when their religion was just a load of bullshit. “-and since the religion is true, then that means that all should obey the word of the lord. We shouldn’t allow the delusions of the men who cannot believe the divine truth to govern the righteous! Just because they cannot see the truth doesn’t mean that we should allow them to live their sinful lives?”

“What about acceptance and understanding?” Asked nosebleed Jesus. “What kind of Christ talks about being so forceful and hateful? Shouldn’t we love everyone?”

“That’s because,” said bloody knuckled Jesus, “He’s not a Christ at all, he’s not even like you guys, who are delusional believe yourselves to be me. He knows that he’s the devil, and he is trying to lead you guys astray so that you will imitate his wretched ways, instead of my righteous ways.”

A tall Jesus joined the group, wearing a denim jacket with crosses drawn all over in sharpie. “Hey, what’s up guys, what’s the deal with the commotion? Don’t you know that you’re making me, the real Jesus Christ, look bad, by the way you’re all fighting and arguing? Because of you, people are going to think that I’m hateful, and they will ignore my message of peace and love, while walking themselves into hell.”

“Well,” said the fourth Jesus, with a mouthful of mostly bun and mustard, “we’re trying to find out who the devil is, I think. I’ve had some trouble following this, but I think one of you fake Christs are supposed to actually be a fake Satan, maybe even a real Satan, and we’re trying to sort out who it may be.”

“Hm. How do you guys know that there is just one, how do you know that there aren’t multiple devils, all hiding among us?”

“Well,” said a Hubbard, “if you think about it your religion is just a load of horse shit, and its pretty vein of you guys to think of yourselves as important enough to have a bunch of silly red men pretending to be you. You guys really need to get your thetan levels checked out.”

“Of all of the prophets,” said the bloody knuckled Christ, “You decided to be one that belongs to a cult?”

“I didn’t decide, and if you think about it, Scientology isn’t a cult. Its the straight up cult. You guys are in the real cult, especially since you can’t see how-”

“Jesus Christ,” said the Jesus who just finished his hot dog, “you need therapy.”

“If you think I need that load of horse shit, then you really must be delusional.” Then the Hubbard turned away, laughing to himself.

“What an asshole!” Said the bloody nosed Jesus. “How could that guy be so smug when he believes in something so obviously made up? Some people.”

“Hm,” said the tall Jesus, “If you were really Christ, then why would you swear.” The Christ who held his nose was about to respond, but the taller one interrupted him, “No, that was rhetorical, don’t answer. Now, its clear that I’m the real Jesus Christ, son of god, and it should be no question that all of you are pitifully delusional. However, if you were delusional enough to believe that you really were Christ, then why wouldn’t you act like me in every way that you could, which also includes not swearing. So-”

“The fuck are you going on about? What sort of.. Wait a minute, if you think you’re the real me, then what are your feelings on all of the different churches?”

“Well, there is only one true church, and that is the Mormon church. I though I cleared things up when I sent Moroni to explain everything to Joseph Smith. Why are you guys giving me those looks? How can you think to be the real me, when you don’t believe in Mormonism?”

“What I want to know,” Said the Jesus who was licking mustard off of his fingers, “Was what you meant about there being multiple Satans, and why all of the sudden we all changed the subject.” Continuing before he could be interrupted, “Because the way everything is looking, to me, the real Jesus Christ, is that you knew that there are multiple devils among us, but you only gave that information away, because you are also a devil, and were trying to draw suspicion away from yourself. But you soon realized that everyone in this group, except for me, the real Mr. Holy, is actually one of your kind, so you decided to change the subject in order to not drop anyone else’s cover.”

“That’s just what the devil would say,” Said the glittery Jesus, “You just want us all to be suspicious of each other, so we fight and we fight, but you really just want to-” The bloody knuckled Jesus knew that he was the true son of the man in the sky, and couldn’t be sure if any of these impostors were actually Satan. So, going with his guy, he decided to strike the glittery Jesus, who started all of this Satan talk in the first place, and was most likely the devil himself. However, he stumbled and telegraphed the attack, allowing the glittery impostor to duck, and the bloody knuckle had ended up striking the mustard stained face of the other impostor, who stumbled backwards and knocked into the nose bleed Jesus, slamming the back of his head into the injured guy, finishing the job of breaking the guy’s nose.

The tall Jesus decided to grab the aggressor, who began to scream, “You can’t do this to me, that man is the real Satan! I’m the real Jesus Christ, I can prove it, I will be crucified, then you’ll all see! You’ll all see!”

“Psh,” said a nearby Mohammad, “You guys have to get crucified and martyred to be worth anything. If you were really chosen by god, then wouldn’t he call you into the after life with something more subtle, like a fever?”

“Ha, afterlife, that’s great,” Said a chain smoking Buddha, “Us truly enlightened believe in reincarnation.”

“The truly enlightened,” said another Buddha, “are able to step off of the cycle of rebirth. Of course, I wouldn’t expect some delusional impostor to be able to reach enlightenment.”

The glittery Jesus was taken with the idea of crucifixion to show that he was the true son of god, and he started to run from the crowd, down the street towards the other areas of town, yelling, “I will prove myself as true, I will get crucified!”

The detained Jesus started to frantically try to break free of the tall man’s grasp, because he was sure that if the impostor crucified himself, then everyone would confuse the devil for their savior, and the world would have to be burned in entirety, for it would become one large Sodom and Gomorrah. Not knowing what else to do, the savior of men threw his head back repeatedly, trying to break the face of his captor, until he was let free, and ran down the street, weaving in and out of the out of town traffic, trying to find the devil and prevent him from martyrdom.

After six minutes of running and searching, it seemed as if he would never find the impostor, the snake in the Garden of Eden, and he decided to take a short break, since he was out of breath. His soul may have been pure and eternal, but his body was still weak and breaking down, which was something he always pitied mortals for. They have to spend so much time in these meat prisons, while their souls are trying to follow the path into his father’s kingdom. After he looked up at the sky, and winked at his father, he noticed a glare from the top of an apartment building, then after a couple seconds of focus he noticed that it was the Evil One. Only two buildings down was a local church, with a large cross on top, and all the devil would have to do would be to jump from rooftop to rooftop, until he was able to reach the cross, climb up it, and nail himself in, causing everyone to somehow believe that he was their immortal savior, instead of some lunatic who nailed himself to a cross.

As the “real” Jesus sprinted towards the apartment complex, he was hoping for a miracle, he was hoping that he would suddenly be able to fly and land on top of the building, but one never came. He wondered how St Peter was allowed to clear all of the snakes out of Ireland, but he couldn’t even get any assistance in trying to stop the devil? It took him a while to climb up the ladder to the top of the complex, and when he reached the top he saw that the impostor was already on the roof of the church, miserably trying to climb up onto the cross, while a small church crowd had gathered below him. The bloody knuckled Jesus and the glittery Jesus both believed that the crow was gathering to watch the proof of the second coming, while they ignored the shouts of:

“What the hell are you doing up there?”

“Get down from there, are you crazy or something?”

“Somebody call the police, this is not going to end well, I do not want to watch him fall!”

“Life is worth living, you don’t have to jump! If you kill yourself to escape from your pain, then you will only be tormented in hell for eternity!”

Knowing that there was still time, the bloody knuckled Jesus made a running start and leaped for the next building, just barely clearing the gap. Then, exhausted from the chase, he looked at the next gap that he had to clear to reach the deceiver, and was dismayed to see that it was a much larger gap, he was too out of shape to make it. Everything pointed to the jump being impossible, but he closed his eyes, and believed that his father was going to save him, was going to carry him over to the roof of the next building, and he was lucky enough to only vaguely be aware that he was falling, that he had missed the gap, only a second or two before he landed head first onto the concrete, smashing his skull open, and snapping his neck into a very unpleasant angle. Nobody saw this, since they were all focused on the man who was climbing the cross with nails in his mouth, and a hammer tucked into the back of his pants, in the same way a felon would try to hide a gun.

When the glittery Jesus finally reached the top, he began to wonder how he was supposed to be able to nail himself on, the way that he had been nailed the last time he had visited Earth, because if he tried to put his back to the cross he would most likely fall off of it. However, even after considering that he should probably crawl down and find an easier way to prove himself, he figured that this was just one of the challenges he would have to face, and he knew that the impostor had been chasing him all the way here, so if he gave up now, he would have to risk the devil taking his place on the cross, or being murdered by the violent son of a bitch. So, he decided to crucify himself as he faced the cross, but struggled to hammer the nail into his own hand, and only when the thin cross started to shake, since it wasn’t meant to deal with the extra weight the man provided, the glittering Christ realized that this task may have just been actually impossible. He only had six seconds to understand this, because it wasn’t to long until the supports of the cross had snapped, and the structure had fallen off of the roof, towards the crowd.

#Free Write #Short Story #Writers on Tumblr #Religion #Nihilism

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