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getofy · 3 years

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matchup: #1 - hq boy w/ an extroverted fem reader!

—a/n: wow im genuinely so sorry for taking so long. literally school is ruining my life and i also um,, haven’t been doing the best this past month. i really hope this makes up for it !! it’s kinda long so my bad...also this is NOT proofread lol i apologize if it sucks aaaa.

DISCLAIMER: while this is a personalized matchup, they’re still headcanons, so basically anyone can enjoy them! :]

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hello @/meremoomoo ! you are so cute and tysm for being patient about ur request. i debated who you would go well with for a while, but in the end i came up with...

SUGAWARA KŌSHI!

#SUGA: “YOU’RE PERFECT JUST THE WAY YOU ARE!”

#Y/N: “THANK YOU KŌSHI :].”

☆ SUGA IS PERFECT FOR YOU, AND HERE IS WHY—

PERSONALITY TYPE:

suga has a personality type of INFJ, which compliments your ENFP personality type well.

“...you may benefit from perseverance in this relationship. your sensitive, sympathetic nature may at times overtake you, leading you to make decisions that feel right but are not really the wisest option. this person, whose approach seems so cold at times, can help you to tune into your powers of objective reasoning and ensure that you are not letting emotions rule your life.” —some website i found

while INFJs are not the most compatible with ESFPs, your other personality type, wonderful things can still come out of INFJ/ESFP dynamics!

“your differences mean that you actually have a lot to offer one another. your counterpart may inspire you to slow down and think more deeply about the meaning of things, rather than just doing what feels right in the moment. in turn, you can help them to get out of their heads and enjoy life for what it is.” —some website i found

HOW YOU GUYS MET:

sugawara and you did not start off on the right foot at first...

the two of you were in the same class and sat very close to each other so he decided that he really wanted to get to know you.

he also just really likes becoming friends w/ people lol

since you were always laughing loudly with your friends during break time, he deduced that you had a good sense of humor.

he decided that jokes seemed like the right way to get to your heart win you over!

easy enough, right?

wrong.

apparently, he had caught you on a bad day because his attempts to be friendly were not received well. at all.

poor suga.

he does his best to be kind to everybody, but at the same time, he does love to poke fun at others. he probably took one of his jokes too far or something?

or maybe you really were just having a bad day?

who knows.

anyways, after that awkward encounter, he did his best to avoid you.

it’s not that he hated you, it’s just that he thought you hated him. it sort of bummed him out because you seemed cool, but he wanted to be respectful of your feelings!

*sorry it’s not enemies to lovers, but it’s close enough i hope ?

HOW HE DISCOVERED HE LIKED YOU:

the class had finished testing early, so the teacher decided to put on a movie.

AND FOR SOME UNKNOWN REASON THE MOVIE WAS OLD YELLER?!!?!?

(basically it’s just an incredibly depressing dog movie. like, if you’ve never seen it then just imagine the saddest movie you’ve ever seen 10x)

anyways, you ended up crying. very loudly.

sugawara was incredibly concerned for you, since you seemed to be genuinely distraught, but he didn’t say anything

eventually, the teacher caught on to your disarray and excused you from the room so you could go calm yourself down.

after some time, the teacher tells suga to go check up on you to make sure ur not dead or whatever lol (you were taking a while).

he was hesitant to do this since he knew you weren’t too fond of him, but suga decides to do it anyways since he didn’t want to be a disobedient student.

he finds you sitting on a bench with tears streaming down your face

and MAN!!

all at once, suga gets this overwhelming urge to make you feel better. but like, as in, he-never-wants-to-see-you-in-this-kind-of-state again-otherwise-he-might-breakdown kind of urse.

despite not being super close to you, he had gotten so used to your large smiles and extroverted demeanor, that watching you cry felt foreign to him.

he missed your smile.

he soon realizes that seeing you upset hurts him because he genuinely cares about your well-being.

so he decides to make it his personal mission to make you smile again.

suga takes the spot next to you voicelesslyand tries his best to talk you through your dismay.

you don’t seem to mind the company, and to his delight you don’t seem to hate him as much as he thought you did!!

suga is very grateful for this

anyways, he manages to cheer you up, and the tips of your lips turn up into a small grin—just like he wanted them to.

AND BOY OH BOY WHEN THEY DO!!

whew this man’s heart skips a BEAT baby and he is lowkey spiraling lol he’s so confused like why is this girl’s smile making me feel some type of way

he had been so focused on what you thought about him, but he had never once stopped to consider what he thought about you (until this very moment, of course).

turns out suga was incredibly fond of you

yeah, that’s how he knew.

suga brain go brr 4 pretti girl

HOW HE CONFESSES:

you two had been hanging out more frequently as of late

and getting to know you was only making suga‘s crush grow EXPONENTIALLY

after many nights spent in long contemplation, he came to the conclusion that it was time to ‘man-up’ and just rip off the band-aid that was being honest about his feelings.

he buys a single flower (tanaka’s advice) and waits by your locker

very very simple and sweet confession typa beat :(

literally SO nervous pls help . he’s scratching the back of his neck and holding the flower out to you with a slight twinge in his cheeks.

“y/n...i know you weren’t too fond of me at first, but i...i don’t know i think we’re great together! and now that we hang out and stuff i was thinking that maybe we could-“

yeah you cut the poor boy off and said yes to put him out of his misery.

literally verbally celebrates when you accept his flower. does a lil victory dance and everything.

ugh yall r so cute.

AFTER HE CONFESSES:

YOU GUYS GET TOGETHER INSTANTLY WOOOOOO

somehow the most wholesome and chaotic couple to ever exist???

you guys spend like every waking moment together it’s adorable

noya and tanaka would jokingly hit on you and suga would pretend to be actually jealous.

i hc him as being a somewhat possessive-y boyfriend so do w that what you will

total best friend kind of lover but he’s also a sweetheart and rlly romantic + respectful abt ur needs:(

y’all r super comfy w each other !!

WHAT HE LOVES ABOUT YOU:

sugawara is usually the kind of person that’s always there for other people so he appreciates the fact that you’re the same way! you guys bond over your shared therapist/mom-friend tendencies, and quickly become the support systems you so desperately needed prior to getting together.

he’s there to listen to you about your problems and vice versa.

he adores how you can meet and sometimes even exceed his energy. it’s a nice change of pace since he usually gets scolded by daichi. </3

thinks it’s cute how much you care for animals! you’ll often find him staring at you in wonder as you pet a random dog on the street lol.

MISC HEADCANONS:

will spend hours on end watching you play video games on FaceTime. after a while, he ended up buying his own console and now you guys play together!

he’s fairly competitive, and will whine whenever you destroy beat him in a game!

he’s so cute pls

one of his favorite things to do after a long day is sit and play slower paced games such as minecraft and animal crossing with you.

whether it’s about your fav historical monument or about a new show you saw, suga will listen to you talk for hours and never get bored. usually he’s always got something to add to the convo though. sometimes you guys get overly excited together and end up speaking over each other in the same way.!

is INCREDIBLE at getting you to calm down?? like, if you ever need to be put in your place, suga knows exactly what to say to do it. does this make sense? lol. you guys have big ying and yang energy sometimes i feel.

you’re his BIGGEST supporter. whenever he’s put into games, you’re always the LOUDEST one cheering him one.

it really touches him to know that you’ll always be there to root for him!! even mr.refreshing gets down sometimes, so it’s incredible to have someone as positive as you by his side constantly reassuring him.

he’s a big animal person as well so you guys like going to volunteer at shelters together!

this was actually your second date HAHA.

if a dog is within a 40 ft radius from y’all, it is almost guaranteed that you guys will sprint to go pet them.

since you’re both athletic, you guys help each other practice sports together! suga’ll throw u soft toss and help you run drills and hype u up before games. & you’ll help him work on his technique and such <33.

y’all totally gossip together wow. you said you were a bit on the meaner side of the spectrum and lowkey he doesn’t mind AT ALL. he lives for it HAHAHAHA.

he literally thinks you’re stunning so it upsets him whenever you get insecure, but he’s always got the right thing to say to cheer you up! genuinely just,,,, so good with his words. if you’re having a bad night, he’s ready to come to your rescue with a gentle smile and funny one-liner and maybe a documentary if you’re lucky enough.

in his eyes, everything about you is beautiful. your hair. your freckles. your body. your laugh. your smile. everything!! he’s going to do whatever it takes for you to love yourself in the same way he loves you.

this man so whipped smh 🙄🙄

tl;dr: suga thinks you hate him. you don’t. you start hanging out. he confesses to you by the lockers. you start dating. you are infinitely better at gaming than he is and will never let him forget it.

YOUR ANTHEMS (in no particular order):

darling by christian leave

pleasantries (with your lover) by mustard service

upside down by jack johnson

sunflower, vol.6 by harry styles

what do you like in me? by nasty cherry

MOODBOARD:

pic 1 | pic 2 | pic 3 | pic 4

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—CONGRATS! YOU’VE WON THE HEART OF ONE OF THE PRETTIEST SETTERS ON THE BLOCK. TREAT HIM WELL! ☆

*do not repost my work without proper credit and my explicit premission

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heart-forge · 3 years

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I've always wanted to know your thoughts on White Feminism in writing vs regular Feminism. Hope more people talk about this because I'm honestly TIRED of white feminism in writing, it almost always makes some culture or religion the bad guy while the white female mc is always the good guy. And it does nothing but harm actual feminism especially for poc/lgbtq people.

I wouldn’t know what to say that isn’t fairly obvious !! I don’t come from a place of lived experience: I’m white, so my perspective is that of research and empathy for other people (and you know, eyes that are capable of observing that the system that hates one group of people tends to create this imaginary hierarchy where they rank how much they hate everyone else and it’s almost like no one benefits from this system and that trying to rank human beings is 1) BANANAS, and 2) counterproductive to what should be everyone’s goal of keeping humans alive and thriving).

A person does what they can to try and avoid the traps (filled with human misery) they see others fall into, though, and being hateful is always the worst imagineable look. It frustrates me when creators won’t engage with their audience, because a lot of very big banner “YOU DID IT BAD” mistakes in popular media have been dressed down extensively both by fans with critical thinking skills and by academics with clout and the words to say with big booming finality that what you did was bad. It’s INFURIATING to see all that energy brought to things that at some point just objectively stop deserving the benefit of the doubt, and the love and care that fans of colour and queer fans and every damn type of fan try to bring, only to get turned away because a creator is arrogant enough to decide that they don’t need the negativity of having to examine themselves?

Creating, whether it be writing or music or art or games or any kind of way that a human can say that they have made a thing, is a conversation. Sometimes the conversation stays between friends, and sometimes you let it out into the world and wait to hear back about it. If people are trying to engage with you, even if it’s embarrassing or stressful or confusing, you owe it to the people you’re sharing with and yourself to be better in whatever ways you can. That’s in general, not just for creating, but god. Social media has really let us watch realtime as these people rot from the inside out and revel in how terrible and hateful and evil they are.

But, to end on a positive note, it’d be nice for some wholesome recs.

As always I have to recommend S.A. Chakraborty (a white Muslim convert who deeply and enthusiastically does so much research on her very history heavy fantasy stories, and Nahri is literally one of the best female protagonists I’ve ever read) and her Daevabad series (and I’m also very hype for her upcoming pirate book). Her Twitter account is also full of recs from all kinds of different authors.

R.F Kuang’s Poppy War Trilogy (TW for a LOT of violence of literally nearly every variety that you can imagine violence comes in: the power you must have if you manage to get through one of these books in a single sitting and don’t have to go take a walk) which deals a lot with colonialism, violence, and trauma.

As an author, I’ve gotten a lot of general help from Writing With Colour which is a great resource for not only just lived experience sort of stuff from the associated mods and people contributing their own experience, but also a wealth of articles that will elaborate on a trope, stereotype, or just general topic that you don’t quite understand and how to approach it in your writing.

Also some generally sage wisdom is to examine the sort of stuff that you consume outside of your work. Look at your music, the YouTube Channels you watch (this is a big one as for a long time the only YouTubers I could name off the top of my head were white guys), the podcasts you listen to: if you notice that you’re really not consuming content that represents the broad diversity of the world, then the good news is that white people aren’t even usually the first to do a thing, let alone the only people doing a thing.

#talkForge #if you ever want a peek into what a university level sex/gender class looks like #it is not eloquent #everyone sits down in a circle and joins their voices together in one perfect unyielding shriek because everything is always so unfair all #in very stupid and ovbious and fixable ways that people don't want to fix because we love a snake that devours itself #god I think back to the kind of shit that I had to read for a canadian studies class #I was gunna unionize the fucking room against that dipshit professor then they had the gall to email me asking if I could write her a rec f #this 'I don't get why youre so mad about this white woman talking about violent foreign men' stupid fuckinguhghjJHGFDJH #university was truly the patient zero for 'because we're unbiased we have to listen to every stupid ass fucking idiot spit garbage at us fo #thank you for asking me I hope the answer isn't weird but know that I was doing the aforementioned shriek that I would do in school #indicating that a thing generally upsets me very much but I'm listening (and screaming) while people better equipped than me talk about it #also regular feminism is extremely accurate and also a very very funny way to phrase it #funny because it's true #Anonymous #I'm sorry that I said 'I dont know what I could possibly say' and then said a lot #that's also a leftover from university

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jiaraendgame · 4 years

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Manipulation — Part One

Summary: Why Rafe Cameron took an interest in a Pogue is unknown, but a year later a bad decision has a good outcome when a golden boy from the Cut makes an unwavering impression on this lost girl.

Warnings: Angst, sad, drug use/abuse, swearing, underage drinking, peer pressure. (I think that’s it?? If I missed anything for the warnings let me know)

Word Count: 3k+

A/N: This is a song fic based on Manipulation by Beartooth.

***Part one is all Rafe x Reader flashback. Part two is where JJ comes in. Oh and there is like a 2.2 second scene with Platonic!JB x Reader in this part.***

This is my first time writing for OBX and in general posting fanfiction for the world to see. So apologies cause it’s definitely trash. I just want to say a BIG thank you for the few people here who encouraged me to write and have fun. Also a BIG thanks to my best friend and beta reader @john-benderr for hyping me up and always supporting me and my silly antics. Hope you guys don’t hate it, I tried my best. Let me know what you think???

Gif credit: @toesure

I hesitated, got lost again

You saw me as wounded prey

I was a wreck, I was a bloody mess

And you couldn't look away

The Boneyard designated party destination here in the Outer Banks. The ultimate summer hang-out spot for some guaranteed wild moments. Even if you could point out every Kook, Touron, or us Pogues from the Cut, it was usually a good time. You never know what’s gonna happen on any given night, but you are sure to find people from all walks of life on this island congregating and partying. This is where you found yourself tonight, at a kegger ready to forget the responsibilities you held at least just for the night. The air was warm, and the party's noise swam through your ears, drowning out any reservation you usually have for yourself. You wanted to drown in this wave of overwhelming senses. The crackles from the fire, the music you swayed to, the sounds of people mingling and cheering, it swallowed you whole as you finished off another cup of bitter liquid. Was this your third or fourth cup from the keg? You don’t really remember anymore, but nor do you care. All that mattered is you were loosening the jaw you had tightened all day and was forgetting about the pressures you were facing at home. Nothing here mattered more than being free.

At this point, you had more than a buzz going on, but nothing was stopping your fun just yet. You clumsily weaved in and out of people working your way back to the keg ready for another round. You usually never drank alone, but tonight you weren’t in the mood for friends. At least that’s what you told yourself. In actuality, everyone you hit up to come tonight ghosted you or had some lame excuse as to why they couldn’t come. So you bravely chose to go as a one-woman show ready to conquer the party on your own. Never thinking that this night would lead you down a rabbit hole, you would never be prepared for. Stumbling forward lost in your thoughts, you slur your words to the tall and tan brown-haired boy with his button down shirt half-open handing out drinks from the keg.

“Hey man, hand me a refill, yeah?” Your sloppy words spill out of your mouth, letters all jumbled together barely coherent to the untrained ear.

The brown-haired boy looked at you a tinge of concern in his eyes as you were visibly wasted and clearly on your own tonight. You don’t know why it mattered. It’s not like everyone else wasn’t just as sloshed as you were.

“Uh, you sure you can handle another one, you look… well, you look pretty faded.”

The boy’s sentiment meant well, but it did nothing but annoy you. Why did everyone think they had to take care of you? Don’t they know you are beyond capable of doing so yourself? You work your ass off to keep everything in line, you can cut loose every once and awhile. Your inner voice of reason started to rear its ugly head, briefly reminding you how utterly irresponsible you were being. Listen to the boy, go home. You don’t need this. Stop acting so tough you aren’t that strong. It’s okay to feel the way you do. Quit while you’re ahead.

Quickly shoving the paranoia that began to rise in your chest, you knew if you could still feel the panic, then you weren’t drunk enough. Looking back at the boy, he was still eyeing you hesitantly when you finally sharpened your tongue and spoke again.

“Please, I know how to handle myself, pretty boy. I’m just living a little is all.” The attitude in your voice is far from pleasant.

Why were you so rude to the kind boy who clearly was watching out for your well-being? You should have listened to him. You shouldn’t have drunk this next cup. Maybe it was just the catalyst for the events that proceeded to perspire.

“Listen just… just gimme a refill, and I’ll be on my way. Don’t you worry your pretty little head about me. I can handle myself, I swear.” While you wanted to sound sure of yourself and maybe even a bit assertive, you could tell he didn’t take you seriously at all.

Your amplified brash persona needed work clearly as it fooled no one while you were blurring the lines of reality and fantasy with each drink you took. The boy looks at you, and the small line starting to form behind you. He sighs to the side as he fills a cup with the amber liquid, finally obliging to your commands to avoid further conflict. While handing you the cup, he speaks once more before you swivel on your heels.

“ Hey, listen... if you need someone to bring you home later or whatever, just come find me. The names John B.”

You stood there bewildered for a moment, unsure why someone would have concern over you. You were just a drunk partygoer at the beach for some fun, why did it seem like you were so different than the others around you? You could take care of yourself you always have, but regardless it was a kind gesture. You felt a pit in your gut for being rude to him moments ago. You couldn’t answer him, you just looked in his eyes and shook your head with a softened smile. Hoping he would understand, you appreciated his offer.

New drink in hand, you stumbled to a clear spot on the beach and plopped yourself down into the ground. Removing your sandals, you buried your toes in the soft sand closing your eyes, taking a swig of your drink. You felt the air on your skin as you leaned your head back. A new sense of calm washed over your body as you faded into the scenery. Sip by sip, you felt all your grievances escape your mind. Nothing would stop you from releasing your mind tonight even if it tried to crawl it’s way back up the hole you shoved it down. If each sip of liquid kept the beasts at bay for just a moment, the tranquility you felt was worth every bit of hell you’d wake up to tomorrow.

You broke me down

So you could take me out

Lost in thought, you lay your body back into the sand, staring up at the stars in a dazed state. Not noticing the pair of eyes that have been watching you for quite some time. From a distance, a seemingly put-together boy traced his eyes along your body. Staring at every curve, every feature, watching every action you took, he knew he had to talk to you. What better time to make a move when you were finally alone, away from the hustle and bustle of the kegger and laying out on the beach staring up at the sky.

He’s been keeping an eye on you all night, watching you get more faded with each sip of every drink you took. Alone at a party, you don’t see that often around here. Everyone always pairs up fast, even if you did arrive alone. You well, you were different. Something about you drew this clean-cut boy to you, and he wasn’t quite sure why. Something about your solitude reminded him of something he couldn’t quite place a finger on. Or maybe it was how he watched you spiral, falling with no safety net beneath you. He decided tonight he would be the safety net, he would catch you, even if you didn’t ask.

“Hello, beautiful…” A voice speaks out, startling you as your eyes crash open. A light chuckle passes the boy’s lips at your shock.

“Sorry, darling, didn’t mean to startle you.” He smiles, flashing his gorgeous white teeth at you. “I saw you over here alone and thought you could use some company.”

You blink a few times, trying to focus your blurred vision. A boy whose outline was hazy hovers over you, still smiling that bright smile. However, something felt underlying off about his sheer confidence. It wasn’t much longer until you put two and two together. The boy in the salmon-colored polo shirt and the khaki shorts that stared into your eyes was the infamous Kook prince himself, Rafe Cameron.

Any other day of the week, you’d loathe the boy in front of you, he always caused trouble for anyone who came from the Cut. He bathed in his arrogance and condescending words. So why has the prince of Kooks wandered his way over to you was the million-dollar question. One that you’re not sure you’ll ever get the answer to.

You lifted yourself into a sitting position and still have yet to speak a word to the polished boy in front of you. He speaks once more, trying to pry words from your mouth with every smooth sentence he spoke.

“Aw come now, a gorgeous face like that shouldn’t be scowling by her lonesome. Let me join you, they always say misery loves company.” The tip of the boy’s tongue brushes his top lip as a sly smirk pricks the side of his mouth.

You cock your eyebrow up, but still, motion for the boy to sit next to you. You didn’t think you were scowling, but the more you focused your mind, it became clear you weren’t suppressing any of the facial expressions you thought you were. The alcohol tore down your mask a little more than you would have liked.

You finally spoke to the boy poised next to you, studying the side of your face. “Who says I’m miserable, what if I just want the company?”

A chuckle passes his lips, he knew he had his hooks in you now. You turn and face Rafe, knowing full well that engaging with him is a terrible idea, but sometimes you craved a little danger in your life. Danger, like getting involved with a Kook named Rafe Cameron, would entail. If it distracted you even just for the night then why not go all out, he was looking rather charming tonight.

“Ah, well, aren’t we all a little miserable? I mean, no one’s perfect, right?” His breathy words cause the curiosity inside you to rise.

Was the always well kept and confident Rafe Cameron telling you he and his Kook lifestyle wasn’t perfect?

It had to be the alcohol talking. It’s burning through your veins, making you actually consider speaking to someone so deviously pristine. Part of you believed it was to forget your troubles, the other part wondered what lies beneath the surface of the self-proclaimed prince. The more you gazed at him, the more sweetness you saw, but it wasn’t just that. There was something else about Rafe that you couldn’t quite put your finger on, but maybe you two had more in common than you thought.

“Please, Rafe, don’t give me your pity party parade. People like you don’t know real misery.”

“On the contrary little dove, he who you see before you has many layers, my rips, and tears, however, are patched up and easily hidden. Yours, however… well, yours are prominent and hanging by threads.”

Ouch. There is the haughty personality that you knew would peek out eventually. The sting of his words appeared on your face as he tries to console the wounds he inflicted.

“Everyone is tattered and worn little dove; it’s how you patch those tears that matter.”

“What are you getting at here, Rafe? Cause it seems to me, despite how sweet you think your sentiment is, you just don’t know how to truly console someone you see as lesser than you.” You want to keep your annoyance you have with Rafe, but with each comment and... and that nickname, he cracks your shell a little bit more.

“I don’t believe you are less than me beautiful, I just…” He sighs. “You’re right, I’m not good at consoling others.” He pauses briefly before he continues, knowing he has to bring himself down a level or he won’t get anywhere with you.

“How’s this then… how about instead of talking we just keep each other company? You don’t even have to speak to me if you don’t want to, though I’d prefer it if you did.” A small wink is shot your way.

“We aren’t just gonna sit here in silence Rafe, I don’t want that kind of company.”

“Well… then how about we ditch the sand and trade it in for something a little more… luxurious?”

There it was, the danger you felt. An offer from Rafe Cameron to go, god, knows where to do god knows what. It excited you, the unknown world of Rafe. You hesitated, unsure if you were ready to fully plunge yourself into forbidden territory, but there it was again. The panic rising in your chest, the thoughts and stress you wanted to escape creeping up again, threatening to attack if you let them linger too long. With that, you took your red cup and downed the remainder of its contents, pushing back your burdens once more.

Looking into Rafe’s eyes, there was a sparkle of chaos hidden deep within his soft gaze. It made you weak, it made you yearn for something more than this party at the Boneyard. With that, your decision was made. You gave him a smile and shook your head, trying to contain the eagerness you suddenly felt.

This is isolation

Kept in the dark and waiting

You're wearing the crown of kingdoms I created

Now I can't escape it

All of the light is fading

Rafe was up in seconds, extending his hand down to you; an almost menacing smirk overtook his face. As you clasp your hand into his and you’re brought to your feet, you stumble into his side, gripping tighter to keep your balance. Rafe was quick to slide his free arm around your waist, steadying you.

“I got you little dove, lean on me. I won’t let you fall.”

His sweet like honey words swallowed you now. A flush of red kisses your cheeks. Was it his promise to not let you fall or was it the nickname he spoke to you that made your head swirl more than the alcohol ever could, you weren’t sure, but you wished the feeling wouldn’t stop.

It wasn’t long before you were in Rafe’s car and driving who knows where, but what you did know was the excitement you felt was overwhelming your fear.

“Where are we going?”

“I’m going to show you what a real party is like, beautiful.”

The compliments he kept spewing towards you, a simple Pogue girl, was astonishing. You never believed a Kook like Rafe would see you as anything but a “dirty Pogue.”

“Can I ask a question?” You turn your head towards the boy.

“Of course, little dove. Anything.” He places his free hand on your bare thigh and a light squeeze follows it.

The shiver sent down your spine, tantalized your thoughts. You no longer could think straight. He glances over to you, a smirk once more gracing his lips.

“Why little dove? I- I mean, why are you calling me that?”

“Well, I thought that was obvious, darling? You know my name, but I still have yet to learn yours.”

Your face drops at the realization that you never indeed introduced yourself to Rafe. Of course, you knew who he was, everyone knew who he was, but you? You were no one. Of course, he didn’t know your name.

“O-oh my god, I’m sorry I didn’t even realize I didn’t... uhh,” you chuckle nervously at your idiocy. “The names (Y/N).” You spit out between nervous breaths and awkward giggles. The alcohol was still strong in your system.

A light, almost innocent laugh passes his lips, looking over to you. “It’s okay (Y/N), I don’t mind giving a beautiful girl a nickname that suits her.” He winks. “In fact, I think you’re stuck with little dove from now on… if you don’t mind, of course.”

You hadn’t realized the car had come to a stop in front of a vast mansion. The architecture was beautiful and symmetric with white pillars on the outside. Perfectly kept flowered hedges and trimmed grass graces the front yard. It was like a picture, pristine and undamaged.

“I-I don’t mind no… not at all.” You smile sheepishly towards the boy as he turns the key and shuts the ignition off.

“Well, here we are… are you ready for a real party?” He asks, stepping out and quickly meeting you at the passenger side. Opening the door, he offers you his hand once more.

Taking his hand, you lean once more on his side, steadying your balance. Unsure where the night is about to guide you. Despite the pristine image outside the house once in the door, the whole feeling has changed. There were Kooks everywhere, and to say you felt a little out of place was an understatement. Loud music blared through the open rooms filled with people drinking, smoking, laughing, and smiling. Much like at the Boneyard, but the atmosphere was entirely different.

Rafe sensed your new-found hesitation, but he wasn’t about to let you slip away. Not when he finally had you where he wanted. Pulling you closer to his side, he whispers into your ear—his warm breath causing you to gasp slightly at his now lower smooth tone.

“Relax… you can trust me.”

All you could do was shake your head. You weren't quite sure how this boy made you so weak at the knees, but you wanted to believe him, so you did.

He paraded you through the party, introducing you to the skeptical Kooks whose eyeballs felt like daggers in your chest. Their disdain and judgment of you unspoken with you wrapped around Rafe’s side.

Finally, on the last stop of the tour de la Cameron, he brought you through a room that outlooked towards the pool area. He brings you up towards a smaller group of people. Two of which you recognized as Rafe’s loyal posse. Topper and Kelce.

“Hey what’s up my man, where have you been all night?”

They exchange greetings and eyeball his new hip attachment IE you. They look over to Rafe with enigmatic smiles spread across their face, but before they could say anything to you, the boy spoke.

“Boys this is (Y/N), she came to experience what real luxury is like. So I expect her to be treated like the best guest of honor she is.”

Topper and Kelce share a glance and shrug off the ideas of Rafe, bringing a Pogue to their side of the island. They figured he had other intentions behind his new side piece.

“Right well welcome (Y/N) I hope you’re ready for some real fun.” The boys gleamed their fakest grins towards you.

Rafe pulls you over and sits you down next to him, a clear glass table in front of you. The other two boys sit across from you. After a seemingly relaxed conversation, he claps his hands together and lets out an excited laugh.

“Alright, boys, the real fun begins.” Looking over to you, he releases your hand that you’ve been holding and pulls out a small plastic baggy with a white substance inside. He makes quick work of the substance cutting out four clean and tight lines onto the table. Rolling a dollar bill into a cylinder, he passes it over to Kelce.

The muscular boy leans towards the table cylinder in hand against one nostril while he plugs the other. In one swift movement, the white powder was gone, and he passed the bill over to Topper. He quickly follows suit. Both the boys cheer out a sudden burst of euphoria that rattles their bodies. Looking on to Rafe as he was up next.

You pulled at his arm in shock at the site you’re seeing unravel in front of your eyes. He could see the worry written all over you.

“Don’t worry darling, a little blow never hurt anyone.” He pats your head, running his hand down your hair, and leans over and plants a kiss onto your cheek.

The sudden physical affection made you swoon as you bite your lower lip, still looking at him with concern in your eyes.

“I-I don’t know about this, Rafe.”

“Shhh, just watch it’ll be fine.”

He lowers his abdomen down with haste cleaner and faster than the previous boys; the powder is gone. Almost as if he’s done this regularly. Maybe Rafe Cameron wasn’t lying to you earlier. Perhaps he really was hiding an unseen misery. Your heart suddenly ached for the boy as he leaned up and pinched his nostrils a few times, sniffing back the remnants of the content he just consumed.

“It’s your turn beautiful. This will clear out all that misery from earlier, I promise.” He extends the rolled-up bill to you, his eyes darting down your body, trying to read your response.

You don’t speak. You just stare at him, and the boys across from you obnoxiously chuckle.

“Come on (Y/N) you’re a Pogue you should be used to this shit on the Cut.”

“Where’s your courage, girl?”

The boys tease as Rafe shoots them a glare, silencing them immediately. You reach out your hand shakily towards the rolled-up bill. Questioning why you’re even considering this. His words from earlier echo in your head, ‘you can trust me.’

“It’s easy, I promise I’ll even help you. Trust me, you’ll feel like you’re on top of the world. Once you’re there, the real party begins.”

“I-I’m scared.” You whisper to Rafe as he pulls you closer.

“No reason to be scared sweetheart, I got you. Remember, I won’t let you fall.” His hand cups the side of your face. His eyes looking deep into yours so soft and sweet as he's gently stroking your cheek with his thumb.

You take a deep breath, reminding yourself you wanted to live a little. You wanted this freedom, this danger. So it was now or never. You leaned down as Rafe bends to help you. The boy pressed one of your nostrils closed and instructed you to snort in fast and move down the line. You shake your head, confirming to him you were ready.

“Come on, little dove… let’s fly.” These were the last words you remember hearing as you snorted your first line of blow. Rafe cooing to you as you faded out.

This isn't trust

This is manipulation

Taglist: @pit-zuh

(Tbh I wanted to tag a few other mututals but I’m nervous so sorry!)

Part Two coming soon-ish?

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a-butterfly-on-his-tummy · 5 years

Photo

Themed Weekends Presents...

A reflection from @trulymadlysydney

What does HS1 mean to me?

It took me far too long to come up with the answer to this question, and honestly I’ve pretty much come to the conclusion that I don’t think I’ll ever have the words to express just how much this album, and more importantly this era, means to me. But, as most writers do, I will try my best to find the words, type and retype it, (and still overthink it), and share it in hopes that it will mean something to someone else out there, too.

To accurately express my emotions towards this album, I think I have to start from the very beginning: The announcement of SOTT. I remember exactly where I was standing-- in the tiny, cramped back room at work. (At a job that I didn’t exactly like.) I could hardly focus the rest of my shift, and my poor coworkers had to listen to me gush about how excited I was and how “You guys should really give it a chance! Like, I know he was in One Direction but like, if you actually listen to their music they have some really great stuff!” As excited as I was for the single, I don’t think I ever could have guessed exactly how much it would change my life.

This song came at a very horrible, very dark time in my life. I’ll spare you all the details, the sob story, etc etc. But the thing was, I didn’t realize just how dark a time it was. That’s the funny thing about depression (or mental illness of any kind really). It lies to you. It makes you feel so comfortably numb in your own misery until you don’t even realize how miserable you are. Your coping mechanisms can become your everyday life, to the point where you don’t even realize that you’re hardly living at all. Of course, that’s not what this post is about, but it’s worth mentioning because Sign of the Times became my biggest joy at that time.

I stayed up almost the entire night it dropped. I went on post limit TWICE in one night, (is that even possible? Apparently so!) and I felt so genuinely happy and excited for the first time in a long time. It was always playing on my phone-- in the bathroom while I showered, tucked under my pillow while I slept, on repeat in the car (despite my poor mother kindly asking if maybe I was ready to play something else now). It was all I listened to for a solid few weeks… including when something very bad happened. I had a wake up call that essentially told me that -- oh yeah, you really need to learn to take care of yourself because things aren’t so good right now. When I messed up, when I felt alone and scared, when I felt like there was no possible way I could move on or up, or ever be happy again, one thing remained-- that song was still constantly playing. Still bringing me as much joy as the first time I listened to it.

Things did get better, as things often do. Harry was on Saturday Night Live and I hid out in my room (despite my entire family visiting from out of state and spending time together-- sorry guys) and I watched his performances with a smile on my face the entire time. I think at one point (most likely during the Mick Jagger impression) I even screamed into my pillow because I had so much emotion buzzing around inside of me that I didn’t know what the heck to do with it all. I was so proud. I watched the musical performances over and over and over. And then I called my family into my room to watch them with me. I couldn’t stop smiling. I knew that this was only the start of something so huge.

And then the album came. I was at work when it dropped-- scheduled to close the shop. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough, especially because I had friends blowing up my texts and anons blowing up my inbox, gushing endlessly about the album and how beyond good it was. I wasn’t driving at the time, so I begged my mom to speed home. “But mom, you don’t get it, it’s his whole ALBUM. It’s finally out!” I didn’t even change out of my work clothes when I got home, I just jumped onto my bed-- shoes, name tag, and all, and hit play.

I don’t know how many times I cried listening to it that first time through. (There’s a video somewhere, floating around the tumblr-verse, depicting in embarrassing detail my reactions to each of the songs.) But it became the album of my year. And I spent that year trying to recruit as many Harry fans as I could. To this day, there’s still no feeling quite like the absolute delight I feel when someone (friend, family, or stranger) tells me that they like his album or even just a song from it.

Sign of the Times became an anthem, a bittersweet reminder that sometimes life sucks, and it’s hard, but we’ve all been there, and we get up again and we keep trying to find our way. Kiwi became a hype song. Sweet Creature became a lullaby. Each song took on a meaning for me, each song became personal. To this day there are still some songs that I can’t listen to because I have to be in the right frame of mind.

In January 2018, I got a tattoo-- a heart drawn by Harry. A constant reminder of the love he exudes and the joy he brings to me and to so many other people. “Be a lover. Chose love. Give love. Love everyone, always.” (My tattoo artist, upon seeing the heart, gave me a funny look. “Are you sure you want it all… wonky like that?” I was almost offended.)

Because of Harry, I’ve made some of the best friends I could ever ask for. When my life was horrible and I felt alone, I had him, and I had the friends I made through tumblr. And when my life turned around, and I felt over the moon happy and excited to live every day, I still had him. And I still had my internet friends. Internet friendships can be a hard thing to explain to real-life friends, but it’s a connection that’s so beautiful and fulfilling for those lucky enough to experience it. I’ve even been blessed to meet quite a few of the online friends I’ve made in person, and it’s all thanks to Harry.

I still consider the weekend of July 13th, 2018, to be one of the best of my life. I got to see the man I’d loved for so so long, the person who--unknowingly-- got me through some of the hardest times, but also brought me so many friends. I got to hear the music that shaped the past year of my life. And I got to meet so many of the incredible people who I’d only spoken to through screens. And it was the most magical weekend of my life.

I’ve said it before, and I will say it again: There is absolutely no feeling on earth like the feeling you get from the energy inside a Harry Styles concert. When he tells you its okay to be whoever you want to be in that room, you believe him. When he tells you he loves you, you believe him. You feed off of one another’s energy, and even though you’re one of thousands of people in a sold out room, it feels personal and intimate in a way that even the most talented writer could never find the words for. Though I sat alone both nights, I felt like I was lifelong friends with every single person around me. It wasn’t scary, or intimidating, it was familiar and comforting.

I know that I may never get the chance to thank Harry in person for everything he’s done for me and for so many other people, but I think deep down he knows. He knows what he means to us, because we mean just as much to him-- and it’s apparent in the way he performs and speaks and acts. And although his meticulously planned and sometimes cryptic posts and behaviors get on our nerves sometimes, and although we may want to fight him for being such a little shit, he’s still our Harry. He’s our best friend, and we’re his.

So to answer the original question, HS1 means friendship. It means new beginnings, it means moving forward, it’s hope in times where hope seems impossible. It’s love and kindness and vulnerability and knowing you are not alone. And most importantly, it means something different to every person who listens to it. It takes a true artist to be able to do that, and I absolutely cannot wait to experience it all over again with his next album and with all of you.

#Happy2ndAnniversaryHS1 #Themed Weekends

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therandomfics · 6 years

Text

DISTANCE: 2

“Sonny, please don’t go.” Begging, though not your style or expertise, was something you were willing to do when it came to the only one you loved.

His sigh and slumping shoulders gave away his guilt. Of course he didn’t want to leave, but if he wanted to make sure he took care of loose ends, he couldn’t be with you until it was over. “I have to, Y/N. I should have never came back in the first place. I put you in danger and if anything happens to you I’m not gonna forgive myself.”

Beneath the warmth of your sweater, your stomach was doing somersaults. One second you were hopeful, the next you were disgusted. Why must things be like they are? You chose to stay silent, knowing that pleading would only make him feel more guilty, and you didn’t want to hurt him.

“It wouldn’t be an issue if I hadn’t been out of that house for nearly five days once you got that call. That’s the problem. I didn’t have your number saved in the burner, I never called you while I was under. It was a risk I didn’t wanna take and yet somehow my best laid plans got shit on.” He was packing a few of his more casual clothing items to leave, having deposited his old bag by the laundry closet on his way in.

You wanted to tell him that whoever it was knew your name, but again with the desire to keep him more calm, you chose not to say anything. Instead, you sat on the edge of the bed and watched him pack. He was moving slowly, as if he wanted to take his time and be near you - but, you both knew time was almost up.

“Let me make this right, and I’ll be back,” he insisted, leaning down to kiss you goodbye. You held him tight for a moment longer and then let him go, nodding and fighting back tears. It was never easy to watch him go, but if it were easy, there’d be no point in staying.

It had been two months since you’d seen Sonny. The same disgusting feelings of wondering why you stuck around continued to float through your head, and after the first few weeks, you started to welcome them. Misery loved company, and you had become so very miserable. While you knew Sonny was working, it was hard for you to understand why he accepted the UC position, anyway. It was so dangerous, and while he was great undercover, you wished he had less talent when it came to being multiple people.

From your tidbits of updates through SVU, you already knew Sonny was working to get close to someone who they suspected of serial rape throughout NYC, and perhaps even down into New Jersey and Delaware. What bothered you most is that someone from the house they were staying in had called you and knew you by name, and now your better half was missing. Benson couldn’t give anymore information than she already had, and it didn’t seem like anyone else was willing to fork over any input, either.

It was better to try to live your normal life, though, even if it wasn’t easy. You worked during the week as a Instructional Assistant at a local Elementary school. On the weekends, you worked on grading the most difficult 4th grade spelling tests you’d ever seen. That was a benefit - being an IA meant you had all eight of the classes as yours, so you stayed busy. When you weren’t nose deep in gel pens and eraser marks, you volunteered at a soup kitchen, though sometimes you stayed home and sulked. Sulking was your favorite.

“What’s on the menu today?” a grainy voice asked on the other side of the partition.

“Good afternoon, Louie. Looks like we have spaghetti tonight, or broccoli cheddar soup. Pick your poison,” you replied with a soft smile. The interaction was nice, but sometimes exhausting, especially when you didn’t feel like pleasantries.

“Soup,” he replied, taking the bowl from you and moving on down the line. “Thanks.”

You murmured a ‘welcome’ and kept it going, serving the next thirty or so guests before everything was gone and it was your time to leave. Volunteering was pretty nice, and you wondered why you hadn’t done it earlier. You had been preoccupied with spending all of your time with Sonny that it was strange but fulfilling to do something for another person.

“I’ll see you guys next weekend. Thanks, again,” you called out as you left the building. It was dark and brisk, your kind of weather, as you stepped out onto the street. The only concern you ever had was that you weren’t in the best neighborhood when you did your volunteering, and it was always dark when you left. The walk to the subway only took about five minutes, though, and you usually hyped yourself up enough to make the trip in 3 minutes.

On the platform, you waited for the next train. Five minutes, hopefully less depending on traffic and whether or not people actually got off when they were supposed to, instead of lingering in the doorway so the conductor had to wait. A couple some twenty feet down from you caught your attention, giggling and twirling one another around. It must be nice. Seeing them out of the corner of your eye really made you miss him, but it simply was what it was, nothing could change that anytime soon.

The woman, in mid spin, lost her hat and watched as it fluttered to your feet. You bent down and scooped it up, meeting her halfway on the platform.

You offered her hat with an outstretched arm. “Here you go.”

“Thank you,” she replied, thick New York accent filling your head. She turned and walked back to her lover, falling into his arms again. You couldn’t help but to be jealous, and look on in spite. He kissed her gently, beaming at her when he pulled away.

The noise that left your throat wasn’t human, but it was loud enough to catch the attention of the couple. You recognized his face. No, in fact, you knew it too well. Sonny, your boyfriend, your undercover detective significant other, was entangled with another woman in front of you.

Lucky for you, the train came only a moment later, and you hurried aboard stood with your back to them. They boarded as well, at the end of the car, leaving you unable to react to what you had seen. Sure, he was undercover, and you knew that, but did he have to act like he was so happy? Had he ever looked at you like that? Questionable. And, if he was so happy, was he really undercover? Maybe it was all a ruse. You glanced down at them, noting that he was staring at you over the shoulder of the woman he was with. You averted your gaze to the floor and glared, wondering what her name was? Probably something cheap like Candy. Why did you hate her? You didn’t even know her, and plus it was Sonny you should be angry with. You thought he was going back to tie up loose ends, not tie up something loose.

Your stop finally arrived and you quickly left the subway station, nearly running up the steps to get to the street as you fumbled for your phone.

“Hello?”

“Amanda, it’s Y/N.”

“Hey, what’s going on? I haven’t heard from you in a while.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry. I’m worried about Sonny. I haven’t heard from him since he left and I didn’t think he’d be gone this long.”

She sighed, whether in frustration or sadness, you didn’t know. “He’s alright. I talked to him today. He’s working on something bigger now, trying to prove himself to the ring leader of that sick organization so that they’ll trust him. I know this is hard, Y/N, but you’ve gotta trust him, okay?”

“Why would you say that? That I need to trust him?”

“I-I don’t know, really, it just seemed like something you’d need to hear, that’s all.”

“Why isn’t he able to contact me?”

“He doesn’t want to risk people finding out who you are.”

“But doesn’t it look suspicious that he’s calling you, and you’re an NYPD Detective?” you countered, getting on the elevator of your building. “Or is this really just keep Y/N in the dark and hope she’s too dumb to ask questions?”

“Hey, no, you know it’s not like that at all.” In the background, you heard crying. “Look, Y/N, I’m sorry. I am. I can’t explain anything, but Jessie’s losing her mind and I’ve gotta go, I’m sorry.”

Alright, if that’s how everyone wants to act, then fuck them, you thought to yourself, dropping your bag on the counter when you got inside. If that’s how everyone wanted to treat you, to keep you in the dark and avoid the truth, you’d be a willing participant. You walked into your bedroom and pulled out your suitcase, the one you’d moved away to college with, got your first apartment with, and most importantly, the one you’d used to move into the apartment with Sonny. With a huff, you tossed the suitcase on the bed and unzipped it, beginning to fill it with as much of your clothing as you could muster.

Now it was time for someone else to be in the dark.

#sonny carisi x reader #carisi x reader #detective carisi x reader #svu fanfiction #sonny carisi #sonny carisi fanfiction

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