#sorry im thinking abt death again

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#sorry im thinking abt death again #because it's weird to think that ive been in the room. maybe a meter away from someone as they died #that someone being my mom. its just weird. the time in the hospital feels like it happened in some dark little pocket universe detached from #time. a calm room and then the soft blips of a monitor then the nurse rushing in to say she'd passed #i dont kno y ppl use that phrase: passed on. i mean i do. it softens the topic. makes it sound peaceful. ive yet to use it. i just say she #died bc thats what happened. is that insensitive? i dunno. when i was home i realized that i come off as much stranger than i think. the way #my family see me doesnt fit how i see myself. i dont kno what to do with that. i dunno. theyre all together today #for an early easter. and im halfway across the country again. nose so stuffy ive had to mouth breathe for the last 3 days #and again. everything feels the same as it did before but also profoundly different. sometimes i cry in the mornings. or when i think abt #future vacations she wont be there for. bc in the end she quickly slipped away in a way that couldn't be described as peaceful until her #last half a day. and all i can think about in that tiny room is how scary it would be to lose control like that #and how its not fair and she didnt deserve to die only halfway through a lifetime. but its not about fair and its not about deserving. #sometimes bad things just happen. that's life. and now i own a book called motherless daughters. and now im standing with the countless #others who've lost their moms too early. ive already become aware of 3 ppl in my daily life who are in the same club #i keep thinking about this moment that happened between my parents at the hospital. apparently my dad was helping her get cleaned up and her #stomach was so bloated she looked like she had a bby in there. which my dad said. and my mom apparently said: but it's a baby no one want. i #dont kno y that upsets me so much. all the things i heard abt her being in the hospital before i got there upset me. and the rest of my #family was there to see it. so i have the least traumatic version of the story. and i got almost 27 years with her. except my sisters #probably got more time with her bc i spent so much time away. or maybe not. i dunno. #i dunno. im just sad that shes gone and sad that it was drawn out even a little bit. 6 days isnt long but im sure it felt like an eternity. #again not fair. nothings fair. 53 years of unfairness culminating in a tragedy. she would hate me characterizing it like that. she lived a #full life as they say. full with an asterisk on account of length #unrelated

[aardvaark]

obsessed w the episode of Bones where they’re telling some wealthy lady with a mini pomeranian that her ex husband is dead and she starts crying and instead of offering any kind of comfort, brennan just takes the dog off her and happily exclaims (and this is verbatim) "he’s so compact!!"

#bones tv #temperance brennan #i don’t think there’s much of a bones fandom on here which is why i haven’t posted abt it #emily deschanel #sometimes bones is too copaganda for me and sometimes bones is like ‘ah shit the government committed murder again’ #mostly i just appreciate that it’s early 2000s and one of the main characters is a canonically bisexual woman of colour #(angela i mean) #and the main main character is a genius anthropologist woman who is HEAVILY autistic coded #still at its core it’s very 2006 with it’s often vaguely liberal but mostly centrist stances portrayed #though sometimes it’s wild w like. extremely pro legalising marijuana attitude in one ep i remember #and then another ep is weirdly pro death penalty #incredibly strange political alignments and also ghosts just randomly canonically exist #no idea what to make of all that #let’s just say i certainly watch it critically like with any other media #edit for tags: i said angela was bi but i’m p sure in canon she says she has no label so im sorry abt that. i meant she dates men and women

[pinayelf]

I know fans joke abt how the warden is more competent than the inquisitor bc they did all that w/o much help but the funny thing abt amihan is she actually isn't

she was 20, angry and hated herself and the world, she ended up in the situation she was in bc she was...a petty snitch. she also hates being a grey warden and continues to hate being one through dai - she actually leaves but then decides to search for the cure

for most of the Blight, it was fuck up after fuck up. like I play it so that I have enough ppl to help me fight the archdemon, but in my personal headcanon, she pissed off a lot of potential help (whether it be Circle mages who overheard her saying she was "gonna annul this shit" out of anger, eamon's men who did NOT like her, bhelen who didn't really trust the fact that she knew nothing about politics), left a bad taste in people they came across and picked a fight with anora

which I think makes sense for a 20 year old ill-adjusted young woman who had to learn how to be more selfless. beating the archdemon was pure luck mixed with people just NOT WANTING the Blight to destroy ferelden and realizing joining the fight was the only way to stay alive

amihan does grow, but it's slow, she has to process trauma, understand she hurt people and ruined their lives and to actually experience what it's like being loved (both platonic and romantic)

I tend to not post so much abt how much amihan fucked up and almost let a Blight swallow ferelden bc I tend to feel anxious abt how ppl will receive it but I think it's important to her character and it's fun and interesting for me to play with it in this case

immy is 100% more competent than amihan, in spite of her own flaws, but I love both my messy and my scaredy cat girl all the same

#amihan amell #my first pt of dao was a mess tbh lmao and i messed up so much and amihan's canon is pretty similar #after i fucked up and left amalia possessed ive been thinking abt playing the rest of the game where i'll pick what amihan would actually do #regardless of whether or not thatll end up being a good thing in the long run lmao so watch this space #i also wanna talk abt her friendships w morrigan and zev #god i love morrigan to death but lmaoo i know them being so close they just enabled each other's bad habits #which i think why it was good that morrigan and amihan drifted after dao bc they needed to grow apart #its v important to me that they meet again #zev is extremely important to amihan learning how to be selfless #im sorry to zev tht he had to deal w amihan's bs during a blight 😭😭😭 #also there are companions and other characters that just straight up hate amihan and lol 😭 #anyway just rambling bc i love an incredibly flawed female character and thts what i wanna portray w amihan

[cashmere-caveman]

Christian Wiman, Darkness Starts | S1E6, Bad Moon Rising | S2E8, All God‘s Children | Ian Strange, Suburban Intervention | S1E6, Bad Moon Rising | S1E3, Ghost Town | Christina Marie Brown, Ghost I

#being human #annie sawyer #would u believe me if i said i actually meant to finish my 'monsters embody the possibility of failing' mitchell post and instead made this #if it seems incomplete thats bc i only used sceenshots i already had instead of rewatching and taking new ones where fitting bc im lazy #but god i love when being human leans into the whole gothic ~u are the house and the house is u~ storyelling angle #one day i'll make my annie post (this is the annie house post) and then it'll be even more appropriate but !!! #the house as horror !!!! the home as the place of violence instead of the shelter from it !!! #also annie not letting go of the house bc it was the last place she was a real person !!! #the house not letting go of her bc it stores and remembers everything she herself is incapable of remembering !!! #she is the house but also her own person but also that place is so intrinsically hers that to the others it IS her #(to some extend at least) #also owen not taking care of the house as he didnt take care of annie. #but also any and all parallels between mitchells later sometimes v agressive behaviour and owens abuse #the bristol house tainted by annies death and the welsh house tainted by the bt20.... #wheres that one poem thats like if u were raised in a house w an angry man there will alwas be an angry man inside your house #and even if there isnt u invite him in #sickening. anyway these tags have deviated so extremely fucking far from the post sorry lads insomnia makes me ramble #once again i present u: me thinking abt a show that went on air fifteen years ago as if it had finished yesterday. enjoy #being human uk #cavetext #triothesis #caveweb

[latestdreamgirl]

loeb was insaaaane for this

#god . havent been able to stop thinking abt this comic since i read it... #i knew it was gonna be good bc its by the same guys who did spiderman blue but. still managed to fucking FLOOR me with how good it was #if i have any muts who like comics who havent read daredevil yellow yet . GO READ IT !! #when i get the chance im 100% getting a physical copy of this... idgaf if its expensive as fuck its worth it #Argh. just thinking abt htis comic is making me tear up again #so much of matts grief over his dad reminded me of my own :-( i cant get over how well loeb captured this stuff #PARTICULARLY THIS PART.. #i still own some clothes of my dads that smell exactly like him and . jfc reading this hit me like a pile of bricks #OK SORRY FOR GETTING EMOTIONAL OVER COMICS. cant reiterate how good this comic is #purring #parental death tw

[shibuiking]

I found you via tumblrs orbit system and you sounded kinda nervous about your ocs, so I’m gonna appear in your askbox and shout “yaaaay ocs!”

a idk if its nervousness per se and more just a combo of hope tht ppl will like+care abt them and me being awkward/not knowing what to say (but 40k ppl have been super nice ive never actually had ppl care abt my ocs before outside of my close friends ToT and they arent into 40k)

anyway. um yeah. ty tho 🥺 i rly appreciate it

#i also never make oc lore so this is a first for me so its also 'if i get any lore stuff wrong im killing myself' and thats wjhy i read #so many books beforehand lmfao #anyway. #admech is fun bt im a hardcore undead fan and my sona has been a zombie for like ~10yrs now and yea i guess im otherkin as well or whatever #so necrons jst have way more to chew on for me past just enjoying the aesthetics and broad philosophy #also mr nate crowley liked one of my tweets where i was gushing over tdk again and wht undeath means as a concept which was Insane Feeling #since i hadnt actually namedropped the book title or anything #comrade crowley understands the power of change and compassion in death #....................anyway #some of those tomb kings minis tempt me terribly #this is wildly offtopic #nedsha is my babyu its like showing baby photos ok if ppl dont like him ill blow the building up or whatever #i did make and convert one friend into 40k as well tho thats been fun #arv if ur reading this im talking abt u #sorry this is mad long i always think of a million things to say afterwards and i have an extension tht lets me add tags without- #editing the post

[nerosdayinanime]

crippling need to draw this image i have of sabigiyuu pressed back to front, giyuu holding onto the arm thats hand is splayed over his stomach/ribs, easily leaning his head back onto sabito's shoulder, his soft barely-there hold on giyuu's neck with their cheeks gently pressed together

#until the vibe to Do Shit comes back just imagine it for me ok? plz? im almost to tears thinking of them being soft #giyuu's trust in him so complete its second-nature and sabito's unwavering support & passion #FUCK GOD DMANIT I CANT USE WORDS TO DESCRIBE HOW THEY FUCKING FEEL ABT EACHOTHER. GIYUU BIG DOE EYES @ SABITO LIKE HES HIS ENTIRE WORLD & #SABITO HOLDING HIM LIKE EVWRYTHING HE NEEDS IS RIGHT THERE IN HIS HANDS. #FUCK #GOD THEY MAKE ME FUCKING INSANE I CANT EXPRESS HOW INTENSE IT IS AT THE SAME TIME. THEYRE EACHOTHER'S *EVERYTHING* SABITO'S PASSION GIVEN #DIRECTION & GIYUU'S UTTER DEVOTION HAVING SOMEWHERE TO SHINE #THERES A REASON VIGI!AU SABITO THOUGHT FAKING HIS DEATH WAS THE ONLY WAY TO KEEP THEM BOTH ALIVE & REGRETTED IT SO DEEPLY ANYWAY #CLAN AU: SHIT MARRIAGE +ADULTERY GIYUU BROKEN AND HURTING YEARNING FOR SCRAPS AND SABITO BEING THERE TO HEAL HIS WOUNDS & GIVE HIM FEASTS #THEY WANT TO GIVE EACHOTHER THE WORLD THEY WANT TO GIVE EACHOTHER THEIR VERY SELVES FOR THE CHANCE OF HAVING KNOWN THEY WERE LOVED #WHOLLY AND UNHESITATING #i need to make them worse in my aus theyre not unhinged about eachother enough they need to be sewn together at the hip souls entwined #auuhuhh #i need to go to sleep #sorry for the mental illness moment ill do it again #sabigiyuu #loserboy giyuu posting #fratboy sabito posting #sabito #giyuu

[everymlmhybrid]

this part genuinely makes me feel like eating dry wall like i can't explain how i feel about it without making some of you finally tire of me and block me about it i think

#.txt #reservoir dogs - #sorry for just randomly posting clips . i was actually working on my vid i swear but then i started Thinking. and here we are. #anyways going genuinely insane in the tags . i'm so sorry. -> #(im only sorry for the sheer amount of tags or if u disagree w/ my interpretations / headcanons. if ur just annoyed lmfao sucks to be you!) #anyways. you guys ever think abt the way orange HAS TO know white's lying to him abt his odds of survival. #bc i think abt that genuinely constantly. all the time thinking about it. #also the ''joe's gonna get you 100% again'' -> first of all . lol. second of all -> ''he was the only one i wasn't 100% on'' hello? HELLO!! #also freddy's voice here makes me feel like punching walls . like it makes me wail in anguish. #no but yeah i think abt the theme of lying & the fact some of the first lies we hear are in this scene in a way #also this part is leaning wayyy harder on headcanon but i always think. like if orange WASNT lying abt who he is. then it'd be reasonable #forhim to not know how likely he is to die and/or how blatantly larry's lying (''i'm talking days!'') but as a cop he SOOO knows he's fcked #but like . what's he gonna do. ''hey i know that's bullshit'' like obviously not and partly bc of How he knows but also bc like #you just don't argue with the only guy who's caring for you while you're seemingly on the brink of death!! LMAO #and certainly not when he's the only one telling you you'll be fine!! even if he's just bullshitting you so you don't freak out!! #I DON'T KNOW i go kinda insane about this scene . as . you can tell. #if you too are insane about this and the implications . don't worry. in several months. my fic will feed you. you will see. #idk . larry lying to and/or for him <33333333 kinda makes me go insane. kinda makes me go wild. #idk. i should be getting ready for bed rn. WHATEVER. bye. logging off. if you read all these i'm in love with you okay #i've just been turngin them around in my head like a microwave for hours so i needed to infodump or else i would explode i think

[twonines]

#not feeling too good graaaghhr had to get something out of my system #i was feeling fine after finishing it but after like thinking further abt this piece im just getting sad again LOL #didnt have like a particular . scene in mind while making it i guess? just going with the flow #but now im thinking maybe its like. one last moment of comfort before she has to carry out the assignment again #im just . waauh thinking about their constant cycle of life and death makes me so so sad #yet its kinda beautiful in a way #i might delete these tags later im still slightly drunk and im getting emotional for no good reason sorry #nier automata #2b #yorha no.2 type b #9s #yorha no.9 type s #2b9s

[oatbugs]

i think i actually owe my life to sony's noise cancelling headphones like quite literally

#its not just them saving me from sensory meltdowns etc #its that when i was like. at the edge of it. like when i was seriously like yeah death means the discontinuation of this suffering and #i want that. like when i was truly like...Wanting To Die. abt to do it. etc. id listen to one song #loudly . w my headphones. and the detail and emotion etc would sink in . and like id just be lost in sound #and then living was worth it again just to hear another song #im convinced if the music quality was any lower and the noise cancelling was any worse i wouldnt be #left alone with the music in the way i was which means i wouldnt be alive #like music saved my life and im sure it saved a lot of peoples lives but specifically the thing that channeled the music to me .. #its an object but i am thankful to it #those were the xm3s and now i have xm4s which r even better but i literally think of those xm3s every day like truly i miss them #im sorry i lost you :( u got me through so much #i took better care of those headphones than i did of any other possession i have ever owned i think #the only imperfection on them after yrs and yrs was a few holes in the fabric from my cat #deciding to make bread In The Headphones once #i stopped her but she still left her mark 😔 but it added charm and a story to the headphones so its ok

[lo-cinno]

Just found out steve is canonically 5’8

#lock-ing onto death #i am thriving on this newfound information #i am abt the same height as him lord help me #if i ever get measured again anytime soon i will hope ive grown taller than him before my growth stopped #i would absolutely bully him more than i alrdy have if i were actually taller than him thooooo i cant help it #but the fact that hes abt the same height as me is bro i can give him constant headpats and he cant stop me #i can backhug him and rest my head on his shoulder OTL am thriving #am rambling am not sorry holy shit its almost 3am i should not be doing this help meeeeeee #i have class in the morningggggggg #he haunts my brain istg #i love him tho hes so cute my bbg wife malewife material idiot #banging my head on the wall i love him sm im stupid smiling whenever i think of him

[dyketubbo]

now that good luck minutes man is out can we all collectively agree to just brainrot about cbeeduo for a bit

#theres so many like #cbeeduo scenes that i cant fucking find anywhere but i know definitely exist and are remembered by other people #like the fucking. scene where tubbos like i feel like im going to die bc everyone left schlatt b4 he died and now everyones leaving me #and tells ranboo hes loyal and asks him not to leave #either that was in a fanfic or something or its a scene lost to time but like other people know what i mean right #also i think this one isnt lost to time but the one where ranboo tells tubbo to follow his voice #to get away from the cliff while tubbo had the trippy shaders on and again talked abt schlatts death #i get why schlatt had a heart attack now. or something like that #which the run ending in good luck minutes man reminded me of #sorry cranboo that two of the people you want to help the most are suicidal. sorry you also ended up being suicidal. yknow how it is #mask mews #dsmp #beeduo #nlm

[alleywerewolfos]

listening to the same song on repeat for hours but its literally just the same not even 5 seconds bc the instrumentation, singing and lyrics cause the most catostrophic chemical reaction in your brain

#wrenn thinks #ranting to a friend abt a certain series turned into me listening to the ost again and ho baby god i do miss this so much #'surrender your pride let death be your guide' still goes hard as hell and if you guess where thats from a.im so sorry and b. im so sor #i may or may not also rebinge this series up to the latest volume i havent seen yet . help .

[jazbell]

well that was like. good. i liked it but the show as a whole still needs some work imo. more Thots in the tags

#trigun spoilers #trigun stampede #first of all rip roberto you will not be missed im so sorry #i dont really care abt him tbh #he was a walking death flag and didnt have nearly enough screentime for me to have any feelings abt him #so im sorry but it didnt really hit :/ #meryl crying did tho! #i hope they keep doing her right #idk how many episodes are left but i really wanna see her open up more #also she has a Gun now #again elendira being a baby now is weird but i still love her i hope she gets more screentime #im happy they brought up tesla! #i think shes v important to knives character and its a shame that she wasnt in 98 at all #her story is Very fucked up and adds a lot of nuance to the human/plant relationship and especially to rems character #sad that there isnt a lot of legato i love that freak #finally what the FUCK is knives gonna do to vash WHY is he putting him in an aquarium #i hope we get some body horror from it #one of the biggest losses from the manga is that plants dont look freaky as hell and its so sad #make those bitches eldritch and beyond comprehension!!!!!

[jellyaibo]

did u know that nowhere on. the loser plush's tag or packaging do we see cake and literally on the fucking tag its just a random assortment of characters

like who the fuck is this

#SORRY sorry every time i. think abt them too hard i remember this detail and it makes me mad #why do they hate true love #THEY DIDNT EVEN FUCKING. PUT LOSERS TEAM ON HERE TOO LIKE. WHAT #on fireys tag they had leafy. coiny. n gelatin which MAKES SENSE #and on markers tag it was death pact again #idk how it is on the other plushies since obviously i dont have a lot of them #BUT AT LEAST W THE OTHER ONES I HAVE THE CHARACTER CHOICES MAKE SENSE #forthe most part #i think on markers packaging the character choices were also kinda random #and alas i dont have fireys bag anymore so i cant judge that one #ITS JUST. hrm idk wired #im rambling too much in the tags im sorry HELLO #.txt

[berryblu-soda]

bruh i started writing a random scene from the end of one of my OC stories and started crying helpp (TvT)!!

#girl please get it together theyre literally your ocs #shut up sheo #akira and caelios hit hard okay :(( #but oh my gosh i didnt expect to cry #Caelios´ ´theres a million things i want to tell you and a billion things i want to hear from you; but we don´t have much time´ #and Aki´s childishly simple ´i miss you´ #what if i cry #oc talk #gosh i fogrot how hard it hit to actually write the blorbos TvT #aki thinks he´s having a dream where he gets to talk to his dad; he´s had them before; product of never getting closure after his ´death´ #a death so abrupt he might as well have just vanished; and a wish to go back like if he´d be able to do anything to change the outcome #but caelios isn´t actually dead; and it´s the first time he breaks through egarim´s barrier enough to communicate; even if just breifly #m a n #aki is so guarded all the time; but he´s also just a 15 year old kid who wants to go home #even if the home he remembers hasnt existed for years now #so when he says ´i miss you´ its so simple and direct and genuine that it´s a stark contrasts with the way his character starts out #sorry ill stop there im being ill abt him on main again lmao