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xoxoendoh · 6 years

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A Prickly Pair

Prompt: Temari Week / Month 2018, Day 1: Hourglass ⏳ (Sorry I’m late!)

Summary: Shika tries his damnedest to ensure Tema’s first birthday they spend together is perfect…but life has a way of turning the best intentions upside-down. ;) Ninja-verse + all the Naruto crew!

Also, if my god-awful 🌵 pun of a title didn't give it away, lemme just say this: prepare yourself for a long fic with major fluff and cracky humor!

Rating: T; colorful language, birthday booze, some suggestive themes 😏 There are two f-bombs—two!—but they are well-deserved, so I'm leaving this fic as T.

Soundtrack: “Magic in the Hamptons” by Social House (ft. Lil Yachty)—it's so damn catchy!

Also: Hanakotoba is the art of conveying messages / sentiments through flowers. For example, you might send yellow camellias to a SO who's been away on business as a way of conveying "longing." 💐

Read on FF.net here + this will have a Part II / continuation...soon-ish!

Shikamaru knew he was in trouble. One way or another, he knew he was going to have his ass handed to him. As that notion wasn’t exactly incentivizing, ...his lazy ass had procrastinated: now he had one day.

“What a drag…” He pinched the bridge of his nose, both elbows resting on his thighs.

If there was one thing he knew about the other troublesome women in his life—his mother, Ino, Sakura, even the Godaime—it was that their birthdays might as well have been national holidays.

But if he did what his troublesome woman claimed she wanted, he’d literally be doing nothing. For her birthday.

When he’d seen Temari last month, he had manned the hell up. He’d gritted his teeth, grumbled out of the corner of his mouth, and eventually inquired about her looming birthday. Her response, of course, had been less than helpful. She’d crossed her arms in a huff and flicked her blonde head in the opposite direction. He couldn’t see her face, but he heard her loud and clear: “Shikamaru, you idiot. It’s just a birthday. Don’t make a big deal out of it, okay?”

Easier said than done, you impossible woman! he thought, shaking his head.

Because what if she was just saying that? What if she wanted the whole dog and pony show and he was just supposed to know? What if she was playing at one of those stupid female mind games?

Even worse, this wasn’t just any birthday. Oh, no. Of course not!

This year, she’d be stuck in Konoha for the next Chunin Exams planning conference—far away from her family and working on official Suna business. On top of that, this would be their first ‘big event’ or ‘anniversary’ or ‘milestone’—or whatever the hell it was birthdays actually were!—since they became a couple. It had only been three months since they’d made it official, …and that feat had been a special sort of excruciating in itself.

At the memory, Shikamaru face-planted into his folded arms, a feeble effort to hide from the lingering embarrassment. Taking her off the market should’ve been the hardest part! How the hell was he supposed to know it only got more confusing from there?

Because what if she really wasn’t big on birthdays? What if he wrecked it by going all out? Did she want it to be just the two of them? Did she want to pretend birthdays didn’t exist?

“Damn it, I’m hopeless with this stuff…” he grumbled into his elbow, before letting out a long groan. “I’m so screwed, I should have just sent word to her brothers and asked!” He felt a drop of sweat bead under his ear and trickle down.

Too late for that now, genius.

But he was a genius, and there had to be a way to not screw this up! He couldn’t afford to, not so early on in the relationship, not when he didn’t have enough—or any—romantic capital stockpiled to make up for it! But no matter how many different scenarios he ran through, they all played out the same way—painfully. He could see it all so clearly:

Temari backhanding him into next week. Temari grabbing him by the collar and chucking him out a window. Temari launching him airborne with a single swish of her fan. Temari summoning Kamatari to bite his ear off.

Damn, his girlfriend was scary. The thought made his frown falter….

That huffy little pout. The way her blonde pigtails bounced when she stomped over to him, her little hands twitching and ready to slap some sense into him. Her eyes getting that scary teal-fire glow…

He sighed and shook his head, utterly defeated.

Damn her, he thought, grinning despite himself. She’s beautiful even when she wants to wring my neck. He sat up to look across the Nara land, noting the sun’s angle in the melting sky.

If he was going to get his teeth kicked in no matter what he did, he might as well try to do something nice for his girl, …right? He seized the moment of motivation, forming an oval with his fingers, and closed his eyes.

Take her at her word and just find a happy medium! he ordered his brain. Surprisingly, the conclusion came to him a moment later: Dinner with the crew. No one hates a dinner party, and everyone loves her. Done. Easy.

Shikamaru let out a satisfied yawn and crossed his arms, pleased to have settled the matter.

Hold up, genius. Her birthday present!

His hands flew back together.

Damn it, jewelry?

No, he’d never seen Temari wear any, and jewelry would probably breach her “big deal” rule.

Chocolate?

No, they were going to a dinner party. Food on food would be stupid, right?

What do you want, woman?? he wondered bleakly. This is worse than getting Naruto and Hinata’s wedding present! He’d be willing to shell out whatever it took if she would just like what he got her….

Losing the iota of motivation he’d mustered, he lowered his head in another trademarked Shika-sigh.

Times like these, he wished Asuma were still around.

He wished the same for his dad, of course…but Shikaku would have just shrugged noncommittally and told him to ask his mother, anyways. He’d already tried that. His mom, however, had been no help at all. All she’d done was gush about how ‘talented’ and ‘lovely’ Temari was until he’d fled the damn house! Like he needed reminding...

But Asuma…

Well, he would have loved Temari, too. But he would’ve had at least something helpful to offer!

Who am I kidding? Shikamaru couldn’t help the chuckle he felt in his chest. Like Asuma had any moves, anyway! Kurenai-sensei just took pity on the guy. He’d just tell me to get Temari flowers, like it was that simple.

Shikamaru sat up straight, struck by the sheer simplicity of it. Maybe it was that easy, maybe Asuma had it right! Flowers wouldn’t be too flashy or too much of “a big deal” or whatever Temari had called it.

Alright, Dad, Asuma-sensei..., he thought with a faint smile, standing to shrug his hands into his pockets. Let’s see if that famous ‘Ino-Shika-Cho teamwork’ can conquer this.

Game-face on, he trudged his way to the Yamanaka Flower Shop.

If he had thought he’d be prepared for Ino’s excitement, he’d have been dead wrong. Of course, he knew Ino better than that.

“So, uh, do you have any, uh…” he trailed off, unable to look her in the eye, feeling his entire body go tomato-red. Clearing his throat, he tried again, but every word combined into one: “DoyouhaveanyflowersfromSuna?”

Somehow, she deciphered the question he’d asked his feet.

“Shikamaru!” she screamed. “I have been waiting for you to drag your lazy ass in here and get her something! You really know how to wait until the last minute, huh?”

He could hear the haughty smirk in her voice.

“But really, Shikamaru, it’s so sweet!” She sighed dreamily. “You and Temari are perfect together…. And flowers from her home country…”

He looked up just in time to see her eyes glassing over as she clutched at her heart.

“Of course we’ll help you!” Abruptly, the honey left her voice and she traded her doe-eyes for her signature scowl. “Right, Choji?” she growled, smacking Choji’s hand as he reached for the last morsel in her bento,

“Y-yeah, Shikamaru!” he piped up, his red hand floundering until it landed on the back of his neck. “We’ve got your back, bud. You know we love Temari.”

Shikamaru felt relief surge through his system: these two would always save his ass.

Not wasting any time, Ino leapt over the counter, apron strings trailing behind her, and bodily dragged Shikamaru after her. Ignoring his grousing, she wound them through the rows of greenery and fragrant blooms until they reached a partitioned-off portion she called “The Suna Section!!”

“We actually have a pretty good variety of desert plants,” she declared proudly, sweeping a hand out before four tables overflowing with vegetation.

As Shikamaru bent his knees and gaped at the selection, his teammate prattled on, getting more excited with every question:

“So what else are you going to do for her birthday? It’s tomorrow, right? When does she arrive?”

Shikamaru knew she needed answers, but all he could do was gawk at the array of…things…in front of him. There were some squat little plants with ungainly, fat leaves…but they were kinda pretty in their own way: the stupid little leaves fanned out like petals, and they came in purple or a greeny-blue. Above those, he was pretty sure he recognized aloe stalks. Then there were a series of lethal- and ugly-looking things—the sort of things Shikamaru was positive would end up impaling him if he dared to present them to Temari. Spiky barbs, serrated leaves, deceptively plushy-looking fluff guaranteed to needle under the skin… There was nothing even remotely attractive about them….

“Helloooo? Shikamaru?” Ino flicked his ear. “Don’t ignore me when I’m trying to save your ass! What are your plans for Temari??”

“Oh,” he jerked his head up to face her. “Uhh…”

Her hands were on her hips, and he’d learned long ago that was never a good sign.

Laughing nervously, he rose. “Heh, I was kinda, ya know, hoping you’d help with that, too, Ino....”

Exasperated, she groaned. “Ugh, remind me to kill you later.”

Waving his hands in placation, he tried, “But you’re so good at this sort of thing!”

She got that creepy feline grin on her face again—the one that meant she saw through his lame ploy, the one that meant she was plotting—and gave him a wink.

“Fine, I’ll bide my time,” she conceded with an innocent smile. “But watch your back, ‘kay?”

Shikamaru shrugged and rubbed at his neck. He’d worry about her vengeance after he solved the birthday equation.

“Yeah, yeah. So anyway, Temari told me not to make a big deal out of it, but I figure I can’t do nothing.”

“Damn straight, Shikamaru.” Ino nodded sagely. “Damn. Straight.”

“So I was thinking just a simple dinner with the usual group…?”

“That’s perfect!” she squealed.

Shikamaru sighed, grateful for Ino’s stamp of approval.

“Casual and low pressure, but it shows that you thought about it and planned ahead. Well...,” Ino paused to throw him a glare, “that you should have planned ahead—but whatever!”

Ino turned on her heel, clearly satisfied with the intel she’d gleaned.

“W-wait! Ino!” Shikamaru had never sounded so desperate in his life. “Hey, c’mon! Don’t leave me with the plants!”

“Oh, calm down,” she smirked from over her shoulder. “Look them over, read the little descriptions, and just choose one you think she’d like! But actually read the tags, Shikamaru. ‘Cause some flowers have special meanings…and some species are poisonous!”

“Poisonous??”

He gaped at her.

Ino giggled at his appalled expression. She was enjoying his pain. So much.

She’d started out the night as his second favorite blonde…but Naruto had just made the leap up to silver.

“You’re a ninja, you can handle a few thorns! …And it’s not like the poisonous ones are fatal or anything.” With that, she was off, sliding open the screen and skipping through the rows and rows of flowers. “Oh, Chooooji!” she sang for the whole shop to hear. “We’re going to make Shikamaru look real good for his girlfriend! You’re in charge of the dinner reservations, and Sai and I will call everyone to get them on board.” She clapped her hands together like she’d never been so delighted in her life.

“How about that place with the little courtyard in the back? Best barbecue pork in town, great for a party!” he heard Choji offer.

Were they inviting all of Konoha to this thing, or were they just aiming for death by embarrassment?

“Oh, perfect! You’re their best customer, they’d totally pull some last-minute strings for you!”

Shikamaru could almost hear her bouncing in excitement. So maybe she was still his second favorite blonde, but did she have to be so loud?

“Shikamaru,” she called on cue, “we’re off to go plan your girlfriend’s party! Just leave the cash on the counter once you decide, my mom will be down in a bit to close up!”

Shikamaru grimaced as the door slammed. Choji wouldn’t let him down, and Ino was undoubtedly his savior…but he didn’t know a damn thing about plants. He didn’t want to know a damn thing about plants. Griping to himself, he knelt before the green things, cautiously shifting a few pots out of the way to see the full assortment, …waiting for a scorpion or something to lunge at him.

“Pick a plant, pick a plant…,” he droned miserably to himself.

Something not-hideous at the back caught his eye. As he reached toward it, the mesh of his sleeve dragged against some spikes. Glancing down at the culprit, he realized it was a furious-looking—yet somehow beautiful—cactus. Complete with a single, white bloom of multilayered petals, it looked rather like someone had glued a lotus to some wild desert thing. The more he looked at it, the wider his grin grew. It was just like Temari—as gorgeous as it was troublesome—and it was like it had chosen him! As he tried to disentangle himself without catching the spines of any other friendly Suna flora, he knocked over the small ‘Hanakotoba’ card in front of it.

My bad, Yamanakas. Like he was going to risk life and limb to pick up a scrap of paper!

But as he rotated his arm to dislodge the thorns from his shirt, he nicked his wrist.

“Damn,” he muttered, finally succeeding in freeing himself. It wasn’t a grumble this time: “Oh, shit!” Is this one of the poisonous ones?!

He extracted the cactus from the deathtrap of a display and snatched up the description tag staked near its base, frantically scanning for the mention of ‘poisonous’ or ‘toxic.’ Thankfully, it just said ‘See reverse for Hanakotoba Symbolism: Saboten’ and listed the care and lighting instructions. Relieved, he backed away with his hard-fought prize.

“’Symbolism’?” he scoffed, tucking the tag back into the pot. “Pffft. Like Temari cares about that!”

Mission completed, he marched triumphantly to the cash register, slammed the appropriate bills down on the counter, tore off several feet too many of red cellophane wrapping, and vowed never to set foot in the “Suna Section!!” again.

Temari was all the desert he needed.

–

Temari’s birthday evening was off to a solid start. She’d arrived safely and seemed genuinely pleased with the dinner party idea.

“So you do pay attention every now and then, huh?” she’d purred, smirking at him. Then her lips had softened. More quietly, she’d said, “It’s just what I wanted. A nice evening with my friends and my idiot boyfriend.” She’d kissed his cheek then.

Blood rushed to his face, pride swelled up in his chest: he hadn’t let her down.

Not yet, at least.

But as he went down the ‘gentleman boyfriend checklist’—a set of rules Ino had long ago hammered into her male teammates’ heads—things seemed to keep going smoothly.

They’d parted ways so she could settle in and clean up after her long trek. He’d meticulously mummified her present in that red florist wrap. And he’d done it in a way that would preserve the flower at the top, protect the recipient from the spines, and lead to easy unveiling. Then he’d shown up on time and remembered to bring the stupid plant, just like Ino had instructed. He was actually feeling pretty proud of himself….

And when she exited her hotel, he’d managed to compliment her with a straight face—no fumbling for words or blushing or inappropriate glances!

“You look amazing, Temari.”

It had been no easy feat, however. Seeing her there in the soft glow of the streetlamps… She’d gotten all dolled up in a jade sundress, simple but stunning against her eyes and sun-kissed skin, clinging to the perfect hourglass of her body.

“And you clean up pretty nice yourself, kid,” she retorted, clearly hoping the jab to his sternum would distract him from her rosy cheeks.

It didn’t.

“Glad you didn’t wear a tie, though, or I’d be underdressed!”

Her dark eyes spotted the bright package resting in the crook of his elbow. She quirked an eyebrow and couldn’t quite keep that half-smile of hers from surfacing.

Her voice dripped of sarcasm as she pointed at it: “Should I be scared?”

“Yes,” he said smugly before offering her his arm, like a gentleman.

Hand in hand, they started off for the restaurant. For once in his life, he stood up straight, rolling his usually-slouched shoulders back. He was escorting a bombshell to dinner, so he should at least try to look the part, right?

Halfway to the restaurant, the wind picked up. Shikamaru mentally crossed ‘chivalry’ off his checklist and shrugged off his blazer to drape over her shoulders. She blushed prettily up at him with a sweet smile on her lips.

Keep it up, Shikamaru, he told himself, grinning down at her, and you might just live to see tomorrow!

At last, that lingering sense of dread was fading, and contentment rose to take its place: if there was something he hadn’t thought of, he was sure Ino and Choji had.

When they walked through the courtyard gate, they were greeted with woops and calls of Happy birthday! Temari squeezed his hand and beamed up at him.

Ino rushed over, towing Sai along by the hand, and kissed Temari on both cheeks. “Happy birthday, Temari! You look beautiful—teal is definitely your color.” Not waiting for a response, she snatched the birthday cactus, wrapped shiny and red, from Shikamaru’s hands and transferred it to Sai, who accepted it with a pleasant smile. “We’ll put this with the others. Now, come on and get something to eat!”

“Okay?” was all Temari had time to manage as Ino dragged her off.

As he and Sai followed Ino under the string lanterns, Shikamaru noted his team’s handiwork.

Choji had been right to choose this venue; it was perfect for a private party: the stars were shining, the moon was bright in the sky, the spread was mouthwatering, the barbecue tables allowed for easy mingling and warmed the cool night air. And the turnout was impeccable, considering the literal last minute notice of it all. Everyonewas there. Then again, he knew better than most just how difficult it was to refuse Ino. No doubt, she had personally corralled any stragglers.

“Shall we get a beer, genius?” Sai offered mildly, placing the cactus with the other gifts.

“Beer?” Shikamaru questioned and followed along. He was no longer fazed by Sai’s odd nicknames, but beer piqued his interest. Temari won’t mind, right? Nobody will go too crazy, …right?

On cue, Kiba and Choji appeared, frothing cups in hand, and regaled him with the tale of their labors:

Like mushers with a sled dog, they’d actually strapped a keg of beer to Akamaru, transformed it to look like a crate of sparkling cider, and casually hauled it through the streets. Clever, convenient, and a party trick in itself—Shikamaru approved, giving them sequential high-fives before raising a glass to his girl across the courtyard.

Ino had led her to a yakitori table, and she was immediately surrounded by some of the world’s finest kunoichis. Hinata and Sakura brought over the grilling meat, Karui—who must have been in town for the conference, too—took care of the veggies, and Tenten delivered the all-important beer. Assorted plates of barbecue fodder and plastic cups before them, they were more than prepared to catch up, drink up, and chow down.

Over the foam of his beer, he couldn’t help but appreciate how she was swimming in the blazer he’d draped over her shoulders.

She gave him a little wave, and that was all the permission he needed to take a hefty swig. Kiba and Choji were the true geniuses, he decided. But it wasn’t just Team 10 and Kiba’s keg: despite the last-second notice, everyone had gone all out for his girl. Thanks to them, this was going better than he could have hoped.

As Temari was chatting with her girlfriends, Shikamaru walked with the beer smugglers towards the central fire pit, where Naruto, Shino, and Lee had set up camp.

“Shikamaru, Sai,” Choji sniggered, pausing before they got into earshot of the others, beckoning them closer conspiratorially. “So we’ve got this thing going.”

“Oooh, I forgot!” Kiba butted in, barking out a laugh. “It’s brilliant.”

“We’re calling it ‘Did You Hear Naruto Got Married?’: The Drinking Game.’”

It was Shikamaru’s turn to snicker. Oh, this was going to be good.

“So every time Naruto says something about Hinata or being married or in love or whatever,” Kiba explained, “you have to take a swig.”

“I like games,” Sai agreed happily.

“Everytime,” Kiba emphasized seriously. “Them’s the rules.”

Any idiot could see this was going to go sideways and fast, but Shikamaru just shook his head and let a stupid grin fall on his face.

–

And sure enough, they all would’ve gotten hammered off Naruto’s marital bliss…if Sai hadn’t eventually asked why Naruto himself wasn’t drinking every time the blonde started mooning over his wife. But as it stood, they were all pleasantly buzzed. Naruto—who was somehow closer to plastered than those actually playing the drinking game—had almost fallen out of his cushioned patio chair when Sai had burst the bubble. Lee had a proposed a toast to “YOOOOUTH…ful love!” and even Shino had chuckled behind his turtleneck.

I’ll have to thank Sai later, Shikamaru thought, chuckling to himself. Could’ve gotten troublesome otherwise.

From there, Shikamaru was content to slowly sip his drink and just enjoy the company. He could see Temari was enjoying herself, she didn’t need him attached to her hip. So he watched the evening play out from his overstuffed armchair, foot occasionally tapping to the summery, chill tunes Lee had put on. Lee, he noted, had really good taste in music.

Two beers later, the mountain of barbecue fare had diminished, the groups had dispersed and mixed, Tenten had changed her camera’s memory card at least twice, and everyone had paid their respects to the guest of honor.

By the time Naruto brought him another sudsy cup, Shikamaru looked up to find his girl standing before him, hands on hips, an eyebrow arched expectantly.

“Didn’t save the birthday girl a seat, huh?” she teased, a faint alcohol flush on her cheeks.

He grinned and patted his thigh. “There’s room for both of us.”

Her mouth fell open.

Oh, shit.

He’d just said that. Out loud. This blew right by simply putting his foot in his mouth! No, she was going to put his foot in his mouth! “Tema, I—“

His jacket flew from her shoulders and hit him square in the face.

Someone gasped from behind him.

‘Liquid courage’? More like ‘liquid stupid’ in my hands!

A punch was sure to follow. He braced for impact.

I should have known I’d find a way to screw up tonight—it was going too perfectly!

A second went by, then another, …but nothing happened. All the warning he had was a sweet smell on the crisp air, and then he felt the weight of something warm and toned on his lap.

Wait, really?!

Stunned out of terror, he yanked the blazer off his head, and, sure enough, there she was. Arms and legs crossed, lips pursed, and blushing like mad—but she was perched on his knee.

A few Awww’s rang out from around them.

It must have been the liquid stupid or maybe their friends’ encouragement, but he decided to push his luck a little further. Flinging his coat out like a matador’s muleta, he let it fall over her legs—he was nowhere near drunk enough to risk revealing a wardrobe malfunction—and he pulled her up into him.

She let out an indignant yelp and flailed in momentary surprise…but she stayed put.

“Idiot,” she grumbled, fidgeting with his blazer blanket.

Yet she rotated in his arms to cuddle into his chest, tucking her legs up under his coat.

“Maybe, but I’m your idiot,” he laughed, tightening his arm around her bare shoulder. Apparently, beer turned him stupid…and really sappy. He was better off changing the subject. “You having fun?”

“Mhhmm.” She nodded against his shirt.

“Good.”

Basking in the glory of success, he ran his hand up and down her bare arm, keeping the chill off, and looked up to the cloudless night. Sitting there with his girl, fighting off a contented yawn, he realized he could get used to this. Maybe ‘Did You Hear Naruto Got Married?’: The Drinking Game’ was catching up to him in more ways than one….

A touch on his chest drew him back to the present.

“Shikamaru,” Temari murmured, tugging shyly at his dress shirt, “This is perfect. Thank you.”

Was she pulling at his shirt or his damn heart?? He could practically see it in her little hands! …And he knew he wasn’t getting it back.

Damn it, why am I so lame tonight??

Smiling despite himself, Shikamaru did the only thing he could: he tilted her chin up, thumb running along her jaw, holding her eyes for just a moment, …and stole a quick kiss.

Woops and catcalls and flashes exploded from all around them.

The hell? he thought, startled out of their kiss.

Temari almost jumped out of her skin when she looked up to see Tenten clicking away on her camera just a few feet away, but Shikamaru only grinned and hauled his girl into place for the picture. He was too damn happy to bother with the awkward, even when he realized all of them must have been watching his every move with Temari, ninjas lying in wait…. He chuckled and released his favorite blonde, who launched herself at Tenten to threaten her into handing over the camera.

“Teten, I swear I’ll—!”

Ino, socialite extraordinaire, stepped out of Sai’s arm to diffuse the situation.

“Presents!” she proclaimed loudly. Since Temari was conveniently already in the center of the party, she added, “Temari, stay right there!”

Ino’s order seemed to have startled the blushing birthday girl into obedience.

“You have to open Shikamaru’s last. Actually, open ours”—with a wink, Ino thumbed at Sai, who waved amiably—“after Shika’s! But the rest can go in any order.”

Tenten took advantage of her proximity. “Me first!” Beaming, she held up her camera. “My gift will be the prints, of course! Temari, they’re so cute, I swear!”

Tenten’s announcement was met with Aww’s…and few knowing smirks. She’d already captured some solid gold, and she was bound to get some more, if Kiba had anything to say about it.

Reluctantly, Temari acquiesced with a shrug, …one corner of her mouth barely rising. “Fine, fine. But for my eyes only.”

Next up was Shino, who emerged…from somewhere…to stand before Temari. He extended a small box.

Shit, it’s probably a live scorpion or something!

Shikamaru leapt from his patio chair, preparing to weave a Shadow Possession and intercept the container. He wasn’t about to let Shino ruin her night with some creepy-crawly thing!

But Temari’s dark eyes glimmered with interest, and she shucked off the brown paper wrapping before Shikamaru could act.

Damn it, too late!

But to his surprise, she gave Shino a broad smile.

“Antheraea yamamai,” he declared proudly, erudite.

The evening crickets chirped their entomological approval…but no one else made a peep.

“Shino, c’mon, man!” Naruto whined good-naturedly, arm looped around Hinata. “Translate!”

“A silk moth,” he sniffed, pushing his sunglasses up the bridge of his nose. “It perished naturally, so there is no harm in appreciating its beauty behind glass.”

It was then Shikamaru realized that his desert girl wouldn’t have been fazed by a damn scorpion—or any other of Shino’s insects, probably—in the slightest. He rubbed the back of his neck and tried feebly to make like he’d lurched up for some reason other than saving Temari…from a bug.

“It’s lovely, Shino,” Temari said, holding up glass-top box for everyone to see her moth’s impressive wingspan. “Thank you.”

Sitting back down, Shikamaru had to admit it was pretty classy gift. Maybe I’ll go to Shino for next year….

From there, Kiba and Choji took credit for the ‘Konoha hospitality’—the keg—and Choji dragged Karui out by the hand.

“She made a chocolate cake for everyone! Trust me, you’re gonna love it. Sooo let’s hurry up with the presents, guys!”

“Yeah, his ‘taste test’ left me just enough batter for the cake!” Karui grinned and poked her boyfriend in the stomach.

Hinata rose to offer Temari a book on Konoha’s history and customs, stating with a smile, “From Naruto and me. Since, umm, your work brings you here so often, we hope Konoha becomes your home away from home.”

“’Home away from home,’ huh...?” Temari flipped through it with a sly smirk. “Thanks, Uzumakis.”

Shikamaru felt like he was missing something, but he wasn’t about that troublesome life.

“You’re already wearing my gift!” Sakura yelled from her post near Akamaru, sending over a wolf-whistle.

So that’s where she got the dress. If Shikamaru had been wearing a hat, he would’ve tipped it to Sakura; he made do with a grateful nod. Might have to send a thank-you note for the first and only time in my life…. He smirked.

“My gift will compliment Sakura’s!” Lee shouted with a thumbs-up, tossing her a small package. “What luck!”

A moment later, Temari held up a pair...of violet legwarmers.

Somehow, she managed to keep a straight face—even as Lee lifted his pant leg in a wild kick to demonstrate just how versatile a garment legwarmers were—and thanked him, placing them with the rest of her bounty.

Shikamaru, on the other hand, had to pretend he’d choked on a nonexistent bite of beef. Tenten gave him a solid thwack on the back, but the reproachful look on her face told him she wasn’t particularly concerned about food being lodged in his throat....

But he's wearing legwarmers under slacks, Tenten! Shikamaru pled silently.

Temari’s words, however, dissipated Tenten’s glare.

“Everyone, thank you.” Temari was looking down, suddenly shy again. “I’m really… I’m feeling the Konoha Hospitality, I guess!”

His girl looked so happy, just in time to unveil the cactus.

Choji was closest to the bench where Sai had left it. “I got it, Shikamaru,” he said and set it on the yakitori table nearest the birthday girl.

Temari raised an eyebrow at her boyfriend, fiddling with the note he’d slipped between the twine, but he just shrugged with a grin. She seemed so pleased with the rest of the night, it probably didn’t matter if his stupid plant didn’t wow her like Shino’s moth had.

“Read the card!” Naruto shouted, another beer in hand.

Shit.

He’d forgotten about that. And how was Naruto still observant with all the alcohol he’d knocked back?

“Uh, maybe not?” Shikamaru tried sheepishly.

Ino had told him to, but nobody else had gotten her a card. On top of that, she’d told him it would be ‘so, so, sooo cute’ to use a ‘term of endearment’ in it. Shikamaru grimaced. He hadn’t exactly planned on everyone hearing it...but maybe it wasn’t a big deal. They were at that point in their relationship, right? It wasn’t weird to call her a petname after a few months, right??

“Read iiiiiit!” Naruto bellowed.

“Alright, alright,” Temari laughed, either not hearing or simply ignoring Shikamaru. “Pipe down, blondie!” She cleared her throat and opened the simple Nara stationary. “’Happy birthday, babe!’” she quoted, smirking around babe. “’I’m a lucky man to have you in my life.’”

Hoots and Awwww’s echoed through the assembled ninja. A peach flush coloring her high cheekbones, his girl blew him a kiss with a wink. Lee clapped him on the back and sparkled a thumbs-up at him.

Shikamaru definitely hadn’t imagined Babe trying out her new petname…on herself—his ears were still burning to prove it—but he nodded in calculated appreciation:

Temari and the girls approved, and the guys were having fun with it. At his expense, sure, but fun nonetheless. He let out a sigh. Even if her brothers couldn’t be there, even if she was in town for work, even if he’d put it all off until the last possible moment… Temari was laughing and surrounded by friends. Was it too early to call the night a success?

Well played, Shikamaru. Best boyfriend ever, he congratulated himself with another satisfied nod and a swig of beer. “Careful unwrapping it, babe!” he called, letting out a smug chuckle after babe. He liked the sound of it.

She untied the twine holding the florist wrap together, peeled back the ruby plastic he’d so carefully arranged to spare her skin, and revealed the pretty plant he’d picked out just for her.

He swished his beer and waited for the sort of reactions all the other gifts had gotten.

But there were no girlish giggles, no excited coos. Even the legwarmers had gotten a warm reception, …but his plant couldn’t even get a cricket chirp?

And Temari… She was just staring down at the cactus, ominous in her silence. Her bangs were hiding her eyes; he couldn’t see her face.

Doesn’t she like it? he wondered nervously.

Then, all at once, static surprise gave way to dynamic reaction: Hinata fainted against Naruto with a squeak, her face beet-red. Sakura’s mouth fell open, and a The hell? slipped out. Karui was alternating between coughing up the drink she’d just inhaled…and snickering as Choji patted her back.

“Hina!” Naruto wailed, cradling his passed-out wife.

What’s happening?! Why are the girls freaking out, and why are they looking at the plant like that?? Shikamaru’s eyes narrowed as he tried to puzzle it out through the alcohol haze. Temari’s skin was turning pink! Oh, no! Was it poisonous?! He sprang up, ready to slap the offending thing out of her hands. No, wait. I would have felt it earlier, and I checked the tag!

“Tem…ari?” he tried, no hint of smugness left in his voice. Sweat was pooling between his shoulder blades.

Temari didn’t respond, still gaping down at the prickly plant.

Where the hell had Ino gone?? She’d know what was happening, and she’d tell him!

By then, Kiba had eagerly sidled up to a cherry-red Sakura for an explanation. Shouldering his wife’s limp form, Naruto hurried to follow suit.

To his left, Tenten was pink in the ears, trying and failing to stifle her giggles with her hand while Lee begged her for enlightenment.

As he tried to shake the truth out of his teammate, Lee voiced what every male in the place was wondering: “What!”—shake—“Is!”—shake—“Happening!” Shake.

The brunette only laughed harder.

Damn it! What is it?!

Sakura, however, finally found the words to describe the indescribable. Once the breathless secret left her sniggering lips and hit their eager ears, Kiba howled, a wolf at the moon, and Naruto boomed a guffaw, nearly losing his grip on Hinata.

What? No! It was a thoughtful gift—even Ino said so!!

He felt panic welling up in the pit of his stomach as his fingers dug into the wood of the nearest table.

What. The. Hell. Everything was perfect until the girls saw the stupid cactus!

Akamaru joined Naruto and Kiba’s barks of amusement.

Et tu, Akamaru? he thought dismally.

Without a word, a glance, or a discernable emotion, …Temari grabbed the nearest beer and sank it, downing it in one go.

Oh, no.

He didn’t need to be a ninja to sense the danger in the air.

Though on opposing sides of the courtyard, Sakura and Karui gave into fits of uncontrollable mirth at the same time, well past words.

Damn it, no help there. This is bad. This is so bad!

He turned to Choji, who—judging by the tears streaming down his face—had clearly been filled in by his girlfriend. …Yet all Choji could manage was to mouth Dude! through hoots.

Some ‘best friend’ you are!

Shikamaru gritted his teeth, nerves eating away at his composure.

“Guys, come on,” he begged.

At his pitiful plea, Kiba fell to the ground, gasping and rolling in delight. Naruto, on the other hand, retained just enough self-control to recline his fainted wife safely against Akamaru…before he completely lost it and doubled over with Kiba.

“Shika—haha! …Shikamaru!” Kiba rasped out from the grass. “You-you—haha!”

Spit it out, man, jeez!

Since breathing was too much for Kiba and Naruto, Shikamaru turned to Shino, who only shook his head and shrugged, sunglasses glinting in the lantern light. Beyond desperate now, Shikamaru turned to Sai, who just smiled placidly, happy to see his friends enjoying a joke…even if it flew miles above his head.

Temari’s hands clenched into tight little fists of rage, snapping the emptied plastic cup in half.

What did I do?!

“Beautiful!” Sai cheerfully announced Ino’s return, pulling out her chair.

Shikamaru did a full 360 and finally found the person who could clue him in. Lips freshly glossed, she must have just come back from the bathroom inside.

As Ino’s blue eyes scanned the scene, all she could manage was: “What…the hell?”

“Ino—somebody—please just tell me what I did!” Shikamaru shouted, nearing his wit’s end. But his request only sent a fresh wave of hysterics through the party.

At last, Ino was by his side, yanking him to her by the ear. “Shikamaru!” she screeched in a pitch high enough to shatter both eardrums and glass. “I told you to read the descriptions on the plants, you idiot!” she hissed through clenched, white teeth.

“But it’s not poisonous, I checked!” Shikamaru defended weakly.

At that moment, another woman recovered her verbal faculties.

It was Temari, growling low and fearsome: “Shikamaru…”

Oh no. Oh no. Oh no.

“Hanakotoba, moron! I told you some flowers have special meanings!” Ino ground out mournfully. “It says it right there on the tag.”

“Says what?!” Shikamaru demanded in a moan, drowning in trepidation.

He heard a sudden clickclickclick and dimly realized Tenten had recovered enough to start snapping photos through the giggles, forever preserving his abject horror. To her side, Lee’s complexion had changed to match the green of his dress shirt, clearly informed and clearly scandalized.

“It’s a plant! What the hell can it ‘say’ that’s so terrible?!”

It was then that Sakura regained the ability to string together a sentence: “Shikamaru, you-you gave her a—!”

Kiba’s snort from the ground, however, cut her off and sent her stumbling back into giggles.

So Kiba took it upon himself to fill in the blank, a roar of rapturous merriment:

“A sex cactus!” He choked on another howl of laughter, eyes tearing up in sheer joy, unable to believe the words as they left his mouth. “Y-you gave her a fucking sex cactus, man!” he wheezed.

Convulsions took him once more, his fists beating the blameless grass flat.

“The fuck?” Shikamaru breathed, brain backflipping in despair.

Someone must have spiked the beer, he was tripping. That was the only explanation for what he’d just witnessed.

“Damn it, Shikamaru!” Naruto yowled before joining Kiba in breathless grass-slapping. “At her birthday party, too?! She’s…she’s going to end you, bro!”

Shikamaru couldn’t take it anymore. High or not, this obviously wasn’t something he was capable of decoding! He lunged at Ino, hands grasping her shoulders like a lifeline.

“Ino, please!”

She shook her head sorrowfully. “Saboten, flowering cacti, are given as sexual gestures! Like, with that”—pointing with one hand, she squished up his cheeks in the other to wrench his head back toward Temari…and the obscene cactus—“you’re telling Temari—and anyone here with eyes and half a brain!—that you want her.”

“Whuh? Nwoh!” Even with Ino’s fingers distorting his words, he could hear the shrill of panic in them.

Ino released his face to massage her brow, wholly disappointed in his stupidity.

No longer obstructed, his voice was no less hysterical: “But that’s not a thing! How can that be a thing if only girls know about it?!”

Another reverberation of laughter.

Ino just groaned and face-palmed.

Shikamaru dared to glance back at Temari’s face, imploring. “Tema… I… I…!”

He couldn’t make the words happen. What could he say to erase a screw-up of these proportions?! They’d only been together for a few months—a few long-distance months! They hadn’t had the chance to get anywhere close to sex—they hadn’t even made out yet! Tonight had been the most physical they’d ever been!!

And I just propositioned her…for birthday sex…with a cactus…in front of half the village?!

His fingers rose to rake at his scalp, eyes widening in true realization.

“Oh,” Temari began darkly, taking a predatory step toward him, fingers tightening around the rim of the vulgar cactus’s pot, “it’s a thing, babe.”

This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be happening.

Oh no.

There was fury flaming in her eyes.

Oh no.

He felt his stomach fall through the earth’s crust: she picked up the indecent cactus.

Oh no!

He felt his stomach hit the earth’s core and combust: she was coming at him with the cactus.

OH NO.

This was it. He was a dead man. He was going to die a virgin…because his girlfriend was going to eviscerate him with a plant. A spiky, evil plant.

But then another thought hit him. A thought even more horrific than the obituary reading, ‘Cause of death: proposition by cactus’:

She’s going to break up with me—she’s never going to speak to me again!

Just then, Ino bravely flung herself between him and the wrath of his sex-cactus-wielding girlfriend.

“He didn’t mean anything by it, Temari! Your boyfriend’s just a moron and didn’t”—she turned to give him the full force of her glare—“read the damn tags like I told him to, so he had no idea! He just wanted to give you something pretty from Suna, you know, to be sweet. Since you had to spend your birthday away from home and all.”

Temari’s glower softened, but only slightly, the sex cactus still firmly in her grasp.

Laughing to herself, Ino continued in practiced sarcasm: “Of course, I figured he’d get you a tiny desert rose or a little echeveria. You know, something you could actually take with you after the conference.” She turned to scowl at Shikamaru again. “I mean, really. You expect her to take a cactus with her on the three-day hike back to Suna?”

Shikamaru moaned, the heat of shame was melting him into the grass. “Temari, I’m so so—“

Realizing she had accidentally fanned the flames, Ino cut him off: “I know! Why don’t you open your present from Sai and me? I can guarantee it’s better than Shikamaru’s.” She chirped out cheerfully, “Sai, darling!”

Sai materialized from the darkness, gift bag in hand, and smiled serenely.

“Happy birthday, Temari!” he remarked and extended the bag, blissfully unaware of the murderous tension surrounding him.

Slightly stupefied, Temari lowered the x-rated cactus to the table at her side, and Shikamaru let out a quiet, shaky breath.

Ino, grab it while you can! He glanced frantically at his teammate, begging her to hear his thoughts, but she was focused on Temari.

Peering around Ino, he could see Temari raise an eyebrow.

As she accepted the proffered gift bag and parted the tissue paper, revulsion spread across her face. “Another one?!” She dropped the bag to the table with the rejected, dirty cactus in a heavy thud.

Ino, what the hell?!

“No, no…” Ino grinned, eyes twinkling gleefully back at Shikamaru. “You see, this isn’t traditional hanakotoba….”

Genius intellect or not, this was beyond Shikamaru’s understanding. How could he have foreseen any of this? All he knew was it was a miracle that he didn’t have a hundred new piercings to accent the ones in his ears. Hell, it was miraculous he still had a head on his shoulders! No... The true wonder was that Temari hadn’t shouted “We’re done!” and stormed off ages ago. He’d rather Temari skewer him with the stupid, debauched cactus and throw him on the yakitori….

Curiosity got the better of her, and Temari reached in. She slowly, gingerly retracted her hand, revealing something green and plant-y.

What is that thing?

Between Temari’s forefinger and thumb hung a frilled stalk of leaves…attached to a spiked, oblong fruit. She lifted her prize for all to see.

Ire and mortification forgotten—perhaps replaced with utter confusion—his girl’s black-emerald eyes met Ino’s.

“And what, exactly, are you trying to say with a pineapple?”

The question was saturated in sarcasm, but Shikamaru detected the slightest hint of playfulness coloring Temari’s words. He felt his lifespan slowly extending, not even noticing as Ino attained the sweet vengeance she’d promised….

“Oh, it’s simple…. Don’t you see it?” Ino waved a dainty hand, only just able maintain her casual façade, brimming with barely suppressed anticipation. “It’s Shikamaru, of course!”

It took only a second for the joke to hit, before the outburst of obnoxious, tipsy titters echoed through the night.

Ino nodded to herself, clearly satisfied with her delivery.

A fruit? Shikamaru thought dumbly, genius brain fogged with beer and total humiliation. She named a fruit after me?

“It-it’s perfect!” Naruto choked out from the lawn. He ripped up a handful of grass—dirt clods, roots, and all—and held it to Kiba’s head, miming...a ponytail.

Then a sidesplitting cackle rang out over the din. It was Shino, he’d finally cracked.

I am…a pineapple?

If Shikamaru had any blood left elsewhere in his circulatory system, it joined the rest in his face then.

Temari bit down on her lip, face twitching slightly. She closed one eye and slowly raised the fruit until it was perfectly parallel with her distraught boyfriend…and his pineapple-shaped head. Her teeth sunk in further. Her hand quaked, ...then her whole body.

Aliens had failed to kill Naruto, …yet Shikamaru was beginning to think the Child of Prophecy would laugh himself to death before the night was over.

“I chose a really green one, so it should be perfectly ripe by the time you have to head home,” Ino piped with yet another wink. “Figured a memento would keep you from missing him too much on the road!”

That was it. It finally happened.

Temari laughed.

And it wasn’t a snigger or a chuckle. Oh, no. It was a full-blown belly laugh. It bent her spine and sent the Shikafruit bouncing to the ground.

“Careful, you’re going to bruise him!” Choji roared, fueling the chorus of guffaws.

Shikamaru was too relieved to notice the embarrassment. Temari was laughing, and she couldn’t hate him if she was laughing! Hell, he’d answer to ‘Kiwi’ if that meant she’d forgive him! The corners of his lips started to turn upward.

From the corner of his eye, Shikamaru could see Lee was crying tears of youthful jubilation, and Hinata had finally awoken to Akamaru licking her face, blinking slowly.

About damn time for someone else to be the clueless one, he thought dimly.

Temari straightened halfway and wiped at her eyes, gasping out, “G-get over here, idiot!”

Shikamaru had already accepted that he had no retort, no defense. It was probably better to just get it over with, so he did as she commanded and loped over.

“Temari, I’m so sorry! I—“

She slapped him upside the head, latched onto his collar, yanked him close…and kissed him.

He had not seen that coming. He’d expected—at minimum—a bloody nose or Kamatari to join the party…. But this…

Just as he realized what was happening, just as his hands rose to cup her face, …she leaned back.

“No more plants,” she deadpanned under the catcalls, fingers tightening menacingly in his shirt, ocean-blue eyes glaring up into his.

“Never again,” he vowed in a murmur, trailing a set of knuckles down her flushed neck.

“Good!” she huffed, releasing him and swatting his hands off her skin. “Now hand me my pineapple.”

Finally, it was Shikamaru’s turn to laugh: “Yes, ma’am!”

Shaking his head, he stooped to retrieve his stand-in. Troublesome woman… he thought, placing it in her expectant hands.

He realized then that they were standing in the middle of the uproarious group—they were the literal center of attention—and he decided to give in to the liquid stupid just one more time.

“Alright,” he grumbled, face caught between a frown and a smirk, “you’re coming with me.” It’s not like I can get into any more trouble, right? I mean, I set the bar pretty damn high….

Before she knew what was happening, he had her scooped up in his arms, stupid pineapple and all. Careful to hold the hem of her dress in place, he carried his indignant girlfriend back to the abandoned armchair and sank into it.

Temari punched him in the shoulder but couldn’t keep a scowl in place…and collapsed into giggles.

“Okay, show’s over, folks! Someone cut the damn cake!” he announced, leaning one elbow against the armrest and finally allowing himself the solace of a nice face-palm. There was only so much humiliation a guy could take in one night, and he was never going to live this down—this was the stuff of legend around here!

Once she caught her breath, his girl scooted herself from his lap and up to the open armrest. Reclining against the backrest, she crossed her legs...and extended them to the opposite side, one foot dangling.

Peeking out between his fingers, there was a mile and a half of leg stretched out before him….

NopeNopeNope! he chided. Look alive, idiot! You’re living on borrowed time as it is!

He jerked his chin up…and found her smiling wickedly down at him.

It was a devious purr: “Attaboy…”

Fear slapped his face the in the opposite direction, eyes wide and cheeks flaming.

ShitShitShit!

“Birthday girl needs some cake, I said!” he crowed to no one and everyone.

“Chill, Shikamaru,” Ino teased, already on the move. “We’re on it.”

Temari flicked his ear but draped her arm over his shoulders. “What am I going to do with you?”

Moping and mortified, Shikamaru’s right hand returned to shield his burning face, while his left slid around Temari’s waist.

Then—as if the heavens had decided to prove to Shikamaru he wasn’t the only one capable of humiliating himself that night!—Sai opened his mouth:

“Beautiful,” Sai inquired of the woman in charge of dessert, “when would you like a cactus? Perhaps there’s a hanakotoba book you c—”

“Oh, Sai…” Ino groaned, flushing crimson, and pulled his wrist.

Shikamaru allowed himself one snicker, but just one. He figured suffering through her stupid pineapple revenge had earned him that much.

“We’ll talk about this later, handsome,” Ino assured, kissing Sai’s palm. “Now let’s shut them up with sugar before some other calamity happens out here!”

Then, only a few steps closer to Karui and the cake, she grumbled, “Well, your odds are a hell of a lot better than Shikamaru’s are right now….”

“Okay!” Sai concurred agreeably.

Temari’s laughter vibrated through her body directly into his.

Yup, Shikamaru concluded, the universe definitely had it out for him….

As he tried to disappear into the cushions, he heard something interesting off to the side.

“Hey, future hokage,” Sakura started, offering Naruto a hand off the ground. “Do you believe me now?”

The terrifying look in her seafoam eyes, the sarcasm in her voice—maybe the universe had moved on to another target, after all!

“Believe what, Sakura-chan?” Naruto squeaked out, one hand trapped in her vicelike grip, the other scratching nervously at his head.

“Wasn’t I just saying the Academy needs to teach cultural practices—like hanakotoba!—to all students, not just the future-kunoichis? Just think, we could have avoided this whole idiotic display…if”—her eyes blazed dangerously, her deathgrip tightened—“the curriculum were...corrected.”

Sheepishly, Shikamaru’s third favorite blonde gave the only response he could:

“You right.”

Against his better judgement, Shikamaru decided to run with Sakura’s reasoning, pivoting his head towards his girl with a smirk.

“See, Temari? It’s not my fa—“

Another slap upside the head cut him off. “Don’t even try, pineapple,” she scoffed.

Birthdays, women… They were all so troublesome.

...But maybe he liked a little trouble?

–

The Chunin Exams were planned, the conference was over, the sun was only just starting to rise…and Temari was standing at the village gate, about to depart for Suna.

“Guess you’re gonna tell the kazekage and Kankuro about your birthday, huh?” Shikamaru asked, hands stuffed in his pockets, absently kicking at a rock.

The days after her dinner party had gone by smoothly and without incident, but now that she was leaving….

“What, and start an international incident? Nah.” She winked. “They’re definitely getting a slice of Ino’s pineapple, though—don’t get too many of these babies in the desert!” Grinning wide, she patted the bottom of her overstuffed backpack. “Besides…” She lowered her voice, narrowed her eyes, “I’m sure they’ll hear all about your exploits soon enough on their own.” She shrugged theatrically. “Shame your present couldn’t travel, huh? Then I could’ve shown them how it all began….”

“Yeah, yeah…” Shikamaru pouted and scratched the back of his head, knowing he’d be catching shit for her birthday for the next decade or two. From Temari, from Konoha, from Suna… Hell, even from Kumo since Karui was there!

“Oh, don’t be such a baby! And speaking of my present... It better still be alive the next time I’m in town!” she snarked. “Anyways, I’ve got something to show you before I hit the road.”

She smiled that wicked smile of hers as the ascent of the morning sun cast a golden halo around her face. It made for a surreal combination….

“Tenten brought you the prints, didn’t she?” he groaned, throwing out an unimpressed hand. Why, Tenten, why?

“Sharp as ever.”

She withdrew a thick envelope from her weapons pouch and slapped the first two rectangles into his hand, one on top of the other.

“We don’t have time to go through all of them—whether you like it or not, we’re going to someday!—but these two are my favorites.”

Of course she’d organized them by favorites. No doubt, in order of how stupid he looked. Grudgingly, Shikamaru looked down. There was no point trying to avoid it, no matter how much he might have wished to forgo reliving his disgrace….

“First, we have the ‘Before.’ Like Tenten’s caption?”

Shikamaru had to smirk, he couldn’t help it. The ‘Before’ showed him grinning big with his arms wrapped securely around a pink and pouting Temari. Her tanned legs were tangled up in his blazer as she fought to escape his grip…and destroy the camera.

Beautiful, he thought, and deadly.

Underneath the photo, Tenten’s neat handwriting read:

‘Yeah, I’m the man.’

Shikamaru nodded in appreciation. He had to agree with Tenten’s assessment: he sure as hell looked the part. He slid an arm around Temari’s shoulders and leaned in to admire his handiwork. Even knowing what the next picture would show, he had to tease her: “Look what one little kiss did to you, you’re all flustered and sulky!”

Not even bothering to glare at him, she deadpanned: “You know you’re about to eat those words, don’t you?”

“Yeah,” he muttered, sullen again. “I know….”

“Let’s take a look at the ‘Post-Cactus’ photo, shall we?”

Gleefully, she brought forth the monument to his eternal shame.

He wasn’t mentally prepared to look at the actual image yet, so his eyes fell on Tenten’s caption:

‘The Queen and her Pineapples’

Yup, he conceded, that sounds about right.

“So what do you think, Shikamaru?” she goaded, looking up at him so sweetly. “Personally, I think it might be Tenten’s magnum opus. I just don’t think she can top it!”

Oh, grow a pair, he scolded himself.

Grumbling and fighting off a blush, he finally looked at the image. They were in that armchair again but…

Whoa.

Temari looked like a goddess gracing a mortal with her presence. She was smiling triumphantly in the firelight, showing off her perfect teeth. Perched elegantly on the armrest, she had her long legs crossed demurely.…

Hello.

And he’d thought they’d looked good in the first photo! He was afraid she’d somehow catch him staring like a perv, so he tore his eyes away and finally faced the first jab to his ego. Temari had one hand proudly supporting that menace of a cactus in her lap. The second jab, of course, was dangling the damned pineapple above his hunched shoulder…for comparison.

He sighed. She looked amazing…and then there was him.

He, a mere mortal, was slouched over, hiding his red face in his hand. Though only a grimace and a single eye were visible, it was more than clear he was glowering at his fruit look-alike.

He’d seen enough. He closed his eyes, shaking his head with a reluctant grin.

If I didn’t have that arm around her, I’d look one-hundred percent whipped…instead of, ya know, just ninety….

He reopened his eyes at the sound of Temari’s voice.

“I almost forgot. Tenten left a little note with the pictures,” Temari went on, voice noticeably softer.

Evidently, she’d decided she’d tortured him enough for one trip.

“Look, everyone signed it.”

She withdrew a slip of paper from the envelope and unfolded it for his eyes:

‘We’re all so sorry about the other night, Temari! We weren’t laughing at you, just at your boo! You guys are ~perfect~ together and all of us ship you so much!! Please don’t be mad. We love you. Come back soon.’

Smiling faintly, she carefully folded it up, slipped it in the envelope, and stowed it safely in her pouch.

Shikamaru rubbed her shoulder, unsure of what to say.

Even though they literally cackled at his misery…documented it in photos…and would never, ever let him forget it… He had the best friends around.

And they’d become her friends, too.

Damn it, she’s turning me into such a sap!

As if on cue, it finally hit him:

There was no way all their friends just happened to have Temari’s birthday off! And the gifts they’d supposedly gotten or baked or whatever with one day’s notice…!

Ino and Choji… He shook his head with a grin. And probably Sakura, too.

They must have known he’d eventually get his act together and had just planned around it!

“Anyways,” Temari continued, “those two are for you to keep, but don’t worry: I have my own copies.” She snatched the pictures from his hand and slowly unzipped his vest. Slipping them into the mesh of his undershirt, she whispered, “Keep these close to your heart, babe.” She gave his chest a firm pat, clearly recalling how much she loved to torture him.

He was the least manly shade of magenta, he was sure of it. Troublesome woman…

Noting the sun’s position in the sky, she sighed, resigned, and looked away. “I have to get going.”

“Yeah, okay,” he frowned.

One week was only enough to make him miss her. At least they’d both be in Suna at the same time next month.

“But before I go, I have a favor to ask, Shikamaru….”

Her voice had brightened, it sounded…dangerous. Her stormy-hued eyes were wide with contrived innocence, looking up at him so fondly.

Shikamaru stiffened. He knew the signs, he just didn’t know what was coming.

Temari leaned into him. Standing on pointed toes to reach his ear, as if to whisper sweet-nothings, she placed a gentle hand on his cheek.

“Kill my sex cactus,” she threatened in a honeyed coo, “and I’ll kill you.” With a firm pat on the cheek and a kiss on his lips, she turned on her heel. “Bye, boyfriend!”

As his hand rose to where hers had been, as he watched her stride off toward the desert, a chill ran down his spine.

Damn, his girlfriend was scary.

Birthdays, man! So troublesome! ;)

🌵 Sooo this was my first time writing Temari or Shikamaru...or ShikaTema...ever! And fluff is new for me, since my default setting is dark and twisty…. I blame the sangria that 💯 fueled this marathon of a speedwrite. 🍷

🌵 I tried really hard to do them justice, and I hope this turned out okay!! If you liked it please let me know! ‘Cause that reblog / comment button is actually the “validate button.” ♥ Thank you for reading.

🌵 I hope to write a very NSFW continuation of this, also for Temari Week / Month. Let’s just say Shika manages not to kill the birthday sex cactus.... 🎂

🌵 Might continue this fic if there's interest! Beyond the smutty/fluffy Part II, mean. I do have several ideas! Might also be tempted into a possible SaiIno spinoff...?

🌵 Find my other fics on FF.net here; I write mainly SasuSaku + ItaSaku.

🍍 Shout out to @toondoon1010, @angrypisces, @thepiestperson for their support! Thanks, guys! ♥

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XOXO

Endoh

🌵🍍🌵 UPDATE 11/16/18: NSFW SEQUEL COMING FOR SHIKAMARU WEEK 2019! 🌵🍍🌵