#tfw impostor syndrome

[hap-less]

#im sure my bf is sick of listening to remi wolf - juno by now #music post #fired #remi wolf #shes writes my life #Spotify #tfw impostor syndrome

[bleedinghearth]

I really do just come on here once a quarter and say some shit that gets my mutuals all riled up don’t I

#OOC #Tfw you have impostor syndrome momence and forget that you actually have influence

[snezfics-n-shit]

Tfw it hits me I worry so much about content I make for fellow snzfckers, more than I worry about stuff I make for work 😹😹😹

Like "oh this stuff is fine as long as it functions, but the snzfckers require my highest quality" but then the impostor syndrome hits and I'm like "there's no best quality here" oof

[ruvigapo]

in which i project my small person gardening experiences onto Essek bc i want to lol

Honestly gardener essek is the best thing to happen on this show. Heck yeah healthy ways of processing trauma.

|| support me on ko-fi ||

Bonus:

i gardened a full afternoon once and istg i could tap into the souls of my ancestors XDD

tfw ur a city kid w impostor syndrome and feeling useful is such a high that u Sometimes go a liiittle over board.. it’s okay essek! it happens to the best of us, i still love you.<3 

#critical role fanart #essek thelyss #caduceus clay #clarabelle clay #critical role #my art #<<3<3 #gardener essek

[grumpyfaceurn]

I just hate this semi-annual charade of “I don‘t feel like I have actual progress to show so here let me whip up some random shitty graphs in the last minute”

so muuuuuuuuuch

and then also it’s this whole “well you’re really doing auxiliary science that nobody really cares about so we’ll stuff everyone with this subject into one session, no matter if that’ll take entirely too long”, but also it’s possible the other two will just cancel last minute (because they’re being forced to come here from 5+ hours away which is also a shitty move, not to mention one of them is having to do a presentation in a language she barely speaks) so you don’t really know if you should prep your thing to go for twenty or 45 minutes.

(and also it doesn’t matter if you try to keep it short because then the professor will just feel obligated to monologue at Nobody Cares for half an hour GOD I’m really annoyed with this whole academic tradition crap aren’t I)

AND also that I’m always the one who has to go first so even if I can pass off my shorter presentation off as a courtesy so as not to stretch the session even longer, to me it’ll feel like everyone knows that I’m just being lazy (this one doesn’t even make sense but whatever)

#tfw when impostor syndrome leads to avoidance leads to actually having to fake it leads to more impostor syndrom #idk I can talk about excel formulas and very basic vba for twenty minutes tho?

[themountainsays]

Dang, now you’re making me think of the angst of Juliet and Augustin finding out about Isabela and Mirabel or Dolores and assuming was more at fault. Especially with Mirabel. Like, poor Isabela thinking her parents definitely hate her now and think she wrong or sick. She starts retreating into herself again because clearly this proves being herself was a bad idea and Mirabel is just kinda stuck in the middle trying to explain things and defend Isabela. Especially is Isabel was the one more resistant and unsure about the relationship in the first place due to her guilt and fearing she was taking advantage of Mirabel and now her fears are being validated and now Mirabel fees bad too since Isabela was just getting over some of her guilt about being into Mirabel. And maybe there even a bit of resentment towards her parents since she feels like she has to try harder to get affection and that she’s held to a unfairly higher standard than her sisters and feels like her parents don’t love her like they do Mirabel and Luisa. Now I’m sad

;-; the older sibling feeling guilty and predatory and the younger reassuring them that they're not, that they are loved and safe and good... only for their parents to destroy their progress just as the older sibling was beginning to believe it was alright... ahhhhhh one of my favorite shipcest tropes. Dude. Amazing. I can project my internalized homophobia and insecurities into that soooooo hard I love it.

But yes the angsssssst. Isabela starts off as a terribly tragic character so she's very tortureable. Very whumpeable. What's best than making your fave suffer? I love it. Because her love for Mirabel is so clean and tender and sweet, and Mirabel trusts her so much, even when she can't trust herself, so to have their parents take that away... TT_TT Yeah her confidence vanishes like my favorite hair tie when I need it the most. TFW BEING YOURSELF PROVES TO BE A BAD IDEA 😭

I just... love it when the one who was cautious and hesitant and careful is blamed while the more forceful one is painted as a victim. Imagine Isabela actually believing them, though. Like wholeheartedly believing she was taking advantage of Mirabel all along. Convinced she'd deluded herself into thinking Mirabel wanted it, when she clearly didn't. You know, she's ruined. She used to be perfect, and now, everything is broken. There is something sick and wrong with her. Who on Earth would fall in love with her sister? And Mirabel is so young, too... how could she ever believe it was alright? And Mirabel tries so hard to get to her and tell her that, no! They both wanted it! Doesn't she remember? They were so happy! They felt safe! It was good! They love each other! Isabela isn't gross or sick! She's still beautiful to Mirabel! But... Isabela doesn't want to risk it again. She doesn't allow herself to believe a word, no matter how heartbreakingly sweet they sound. She was a fool to think she deserved to be happy - no, her needs are always secondary, always secondary. She shouldn't have striven for more.

Oh and yeah I think the books mentioned Isabela feels her parents like her less? So yeah that would be a wonderful thing to explore. She feels like she can never be good enough, like this perception people have of her, of perfection, is an illussion. Big impostor syndrome. She's fooling everyone into thinking she's good enough, but with any slip they will see through her disguise - and this is more than a slip. She's falled down the top of the mountain, her altar, her pedestal. Her ugly side is under the light now and her parents can see what a horrible thing she is. Her biggest fear has come true.

Yeah, she's straight up not having a good time.

#madrigalcest #isamira #ahhh isabela angst dsjewjnewkjfeñwen #shipcest #yeah

[painted-crow]

tfw you suddenly get some energy and you build a (really basic) website in a few hours to show snippets to your writing group, and then the other writers want to know how you did it because they want to build one too, so you start trying to explain and realize that actually you do have specialist knowledge and tools in this area, despite always dismissing them as basic and not valuable

note: one side effect of living in a highly specialized society is that if you're a generalist, most of your skills will be things you hear written off as "basic" because you're learning them from specialists. but as soon as you jump from that context to any other--say, a community based around one of your other skills--everything you know is suddenly advanced material. it's super weird

(also tends to make me nervous because many of the communities I've belonged to based social standing on this kind of thing. big recipe for impostor syndrome right there)

anyway, current status: Bird secondary online, Badger secondary model AWOL. not quite burned exactly, just exhausted and down for the count. always gotta be one of the two in the wintertime huh :/

#bluh

[frasohei]

Tfw you see someone from your grad school cohort’s thesis is getting more traffic than yours, and you’ve read their paper, and it’s a mess, but it’s “more relevant” than yours because it deals with Vietnam instead of the Seven Years War in N. America, and you’re instantly seized by the notion that the Impostor Syndrome was right, and you really are shit, because the analytics proves it.

Good thing tomorrow is the 20th of April... I’m gonna need to be so high

[munarlothhp]

tfw you’re thinking about writing but get Impostor Syndrome and ‘why bother’ thoughts so you just spend half an hour scrolling through blvnk’s tag of your ship instead

[dysphorie]

Tfw you've nearly finished a new chapter of a fic but realised you've basically rewritten an existing fic because the First And Possibly Only Time Trope is what it is and you wanna say "HEY TWO CAKES!" but the Impostor Syndrome is too strong so you delete the whole thing out of sheer terror

[sandwyrm]

TFW your boss comes for a surprise visit and tells you the uniform suits you and you really look and act the role and you’re trying to act like you didn’t have a breakdown just a few hours before work over impostor syndrome.

[cherabu]

tfw you want to be adored but you also have a terrible case of impostor syndrome

#i just want ppl to like me.... #🥺👉👈 #🦢.txt

[secondwhisper]

tfw it's not even impostor syndrome anymore bc you were supposed to graduate last may but now you won't have a diploma until at earliest the end of this august, and hr doesn't know whether to fire or demote you

#not made for reblogging #my own post wow #not looking for advice or platitudes #but i would accept likes to indicate sympathy/support

[poorreputation]

14X12 Meta: Prophet and Loss

Or, Nick is gross but is also an important mirror to... everyone. 

Spoilers for 14X12 Prophet and Loss, and episodes prior.

A contribution to @metafest .

Thank you to @verobatto-angelxhunter for inviting me to be a guest this week! 

In 14X12,- 

-Nick goes back to the home his wife and child were murdered in, searching for something. A sudden chill fills the room, and he turns around, only to face the image of his wife, Sarah. But, he calls out Lucifer instead, convinced that the Archangel has returned to him in the same place they first met. Appalled he could say make this mistake, Sarah recoils, then begs Nick to reject Lucifer; only then can she be free.

Nick turns his back and leaves.

On its own, this scene, and Nick’s entire story-line, is just disturbing. The implication that Nick cares more for Lucifer than his own wife, that he just went on a bloody killing spree to get answers about, is gross. The fact that Buckleming don’t know how to pull off these scenes makes the whole side-plot feel tedious and unnecessarily cruel. But, I would argue that all of Nick’s actions so far have been to be a mirror for just about all the main characters on the show, but in the worst ways possible.

For example, in 7X15: Repo man- 

-we meet Jesse, a man formerly possessed by a Demon. Years after being freed, he tries to reunite with said Demon because he enjoyed killing, and felt that a part of him was gone without said Demon, and even went so far to call him the love of his life. When the Demon takes a new meat-suit, though, they reveal Jesse was ready to carry on their dark work on his own. Jesse refuses this, and is killed by Dean shortly after.

Fun fact, 7X15 was written by Ben Edlund, and directed by Thomas J. Wright, the same director for 14X12. Bonus fun fact is that Sam had a series of Lucifer hallucinations during Repo Man. Okay, maybe not-so-fun...

The point of Jesse, wanting to be reunited with this Demon, is that it was one-sided. He was molded into the killer he had the potential to be, and then left in the dust. Fast forward to Nick, who wants to be reunited with Lucifer, and cares more for him than his own wife. Right here, we can already get a glimpse as to where Nick’s story will end.

But, the mirrors don’t stop there.

In 1X09: Home, Sam and Dean return to the house Mary died in, and find out it’s been taken over by a poltergeist. They also find the spirit of Mary, who’s bound to the location by the malevolent spirit. She ends up banishing the poltergeist, freeing herself in the process. Before this, earlier in the episode, Dean tries to get in touch with John, begging for his help on the case. John is revealed to actually be in town with the boys, but purposely avoided them, including missing the chance to see/free his wife.

Fast forward to 14X12, where Nick returns home only to find it is haunted by his dead wife. She is trapped, and is unable to free herself. Nick refuses to let Lucifer go, and abandons her. All of this is similar to John’s actions in Home, but so much darker and twisted.

And in just the previous episode, 14X11, Nick serves as a dark John mirror, hell-bent on finding the Demon responsible for killing his family. What’s important to note though, with the events of 14X12 in mind, is that Nick wants info from Abraxas, first and foremost. The Demon replies by telling Nick he is not a part of some grand plan, he was picked as a vessel because he was just there. I think Nick cared more about finding out why Lucifer picked him, and not why his wife and child were murdered. This is starkly different from John, who still lost himself after Mary’s murder, but never slaughtered innocent people for pleasure or self-gain. 

From my own notes/meta for 14X11:

In the same episode Dean brings up a memory of John not handling Mary’s death well, Mary is confronted with a John mirror. (Nick)

(I swear I’m not implying Mary is gonna sock John in the face, this is just the only gif with Mary from this episode I could find. It is quite satisfying though, isn’t it?)

The clearest distinction between the two I can see is this: if given the option to prevent his wife’s death, John would agree in a heartbeat. Nick would hesitate and let things remain as they are, unable to imagine a life without Lucifer.

Now, let me grab my third mirror, and the first one we saw for S14, Sam.

Sam immediately connected with Nick in the premier; both had been possessed by Lucifer, and knew of his mind games and cruelty. Sam was also the one who was the most devastated to hear Nick had gone dark side. He says in 14X11 that Nick could’ve been him. Of course, in this moment, Nick is also serving as a Dean mirror, when Dean reminds Sam that they can’t save everyone, and sometimes you just need to let go of those who are beyond the brink. As he says this, Dean is planning to lock himself in a coffin and be buried at sea, all to prevent Michael from taking control.

This leads me to the unspoken Nick mirror of 14X01, Dean.

We start off the the premier with Dean gone for two weeks, possessed by Michael. We then meet Nick, who managed to survive being stabbed by the Archangel blade. He was clearly still very shaken after being freed, but his surviving Lucifer provided hope that the same might be done for Dean. Obviously not with the blade, as there were no other Archangels around, but that if Nick could come back in one piece mentally, so can Dean. However, if Nick should (and did) prove to be scrambled from his time as a vessel, then that would add a sense of dread to Dean’s own future. 

Sam wanting to help Nick is not only Sam needing to believe things will get better for himself, but that Dean can be brought back home.

Another fun fact! 14X01 was also directed by Thomas J. Wright.

The final mirror I have to discuss is none other than Jack Kline.

Jack is told by person after person that his being a Nephilim, and the son of Satan, means he’s destined to be evil. And, yet, over the course of S13, he learns to be good, even in the face of defeat and crushing mistakes. By the S13 finale, he chooses Sam, Dean and Cas over Lucifer and his legacy.

Time and again, Nick is told that becoming Lucifer’s vessel did not mean he was special, though he tried to convince himself otherwise. Nick is also personally touched and entwined with Lucifer, but embraces his darkness. He tells Sam in 14X11 he doesn’t wish to be fixed, and shows no remorse for the people he has hurt. He is the antithesis of Jack in his wants and in his relationship to Lucifer. He is the darkest versions of the Winchesters, whereas Jack is a positive TFW mirror, and represents hope.

Jack is a mirror for Sam, who thought his blood made him bad, but still kept to the path of being good. Jack is a mirror for Dean and Castiel, showing he is more than a tool for his birth father to use. He and Nick are opposites, and yet mirrors for everyone else.

Aaaaaaand I’m exhausted. I’ve been wanting to write up this meta since the previous episode, but I’m glad I waited, because Prophet and Loss gave me so much more to work with.

I’m also very, very, VERY tired. But, this also felt very rewarding. It’s a bit difficult to go back and forth between other people’s posts, and the tagging system doesn’t always notify me, and I had felt a bit of Impostor Syndrome yesterday, or Friday, whatever, but I’m happy with this post, and really happy with this week’s Metafest!

Hopefully I gave some useful or unique insight with this post, and people can find all the extra stuff I undoubtedly missed! Like, seriously, there’s 299 episodes worth of canon to sift through, fucking hell it’s a miracle I remembered the S7 stuff at all.

Thanks for reading, and let me know what you think!

#SPN #14X11 #14X12 #Damaged Goods #Prophet and Loss #S14 #S14 spoilers #S14 speculation #1X09 #Home #7X15 #Repo Man #14X01 #Stranger in a Strange Land #Thomas J. Wright #Nick #is a mirror for #everyone #John #Dean #Sam #Jack #Cas #Mary #meta #Metafest #meta-writing

[jkxcomics]

TFW your side-hustle takes off

What a year.

While unsavory in nature, I often find that stepping outside of my comfort zone is the only way I continually push for growth. And if I’m honest, my ability to thrive when feeling my most awkward is how I cope with the persistent Impostor Syndrome that affects me and many marginalized communities in STEM disciplines.

Each time it still takes a while before I start to feel ok with the tumultuous environment set before me; but reminding myself of the potential to be seen, validated, and praised is more than worth that initial risk.

I don’t know if it was a newfound confidence in our work, a shift in science communication culture in what’s visible, or the loving encouragement of friends (or all of the above), but 2018 had us diving into the deep end of the uncomfortable unknowns. For example, I wrote a self-nomination letter for the Mindlin Foundation Science Communication Prize. While mortifying to write, it was such an honor to be chosen as the 2018 recipient and receive $5000 for my scicomm to use however I see fit (if you do scicomm, I encourage you to apply!). Similarly, we were able grow our writing abilities by writing a business proposal for the University of Wisconsin-Madison Art – Business Competition. Led by Khoa and Bayleigh to victory, we’re now able to complete an amazing project, Gaining STEAM!, where we’ve taught scientists how to communicate their science as a story then translate that story into a comic book storyboard. We’re currently making eight wonderfully diverse scientist spotlights that we’ll compile and release as our first anthology next year. Thinking about the fact that we’re making a book still amazes me.

Even when we don’t come away with the prize, the responses to our work have been amazing. Khoa has courageously made comics for and become a finalist in the Bioethics Cartooning Competition and National Science Foundation Vizzies competitions. People are becoming excited for what we do and it’s thrilling. But what I’ve learned the most from these experiences is that if we, or anyone, want their side-hustle to take off, presentations at conventions and conferences can dramatically increase your visibility.

Khoa has already discussed what it was like at Keystone Comic Con in a previous blog, but this year I submitted abstracts and was selected to give talks at the National Science Teacher Association (NSTA) in July and most recently, the American Society for Cell Biology (ASCB) three days ago; thanks to the opportunity I’ve had to integrate our science making style into the high school research program I teach in, the TRIP Initiative. Focusing on ASCB, this is a wonderful inclusive scientific conference where it is fully embraced to have wide and varied interests and backgrounds. As such, I was able to not only present a poster on my postdoctoral research but also present in the education symposium; and the response to my talk was surreal.  

I met educators and scicomm enthusiasts at the professor, postdoc, graduate student AND undergrad levels that were dying to know more. I’ve now been encouraged to publish what I do in the classroom so educators can cite me, gauged for my interest to be a panelist about science communication to retain underrepresented groups, invited to be on a podcast, and may have the opportunity to run a workshop doing what I do with my students with scientists at a future ASCB meeting. Is this what it feels like to be a celebrity? At least a low-key one? In the very least this is that feeling when your side-hustle takes off.

If you’re reading this blog (around the time this is posted), it’s most likely that you’ve personally met one of us in JKX Comics and continue to give your support. Thank you so much for being on this amazing journey with us. Our success is rooted in being surrounded by wonderful people like you. If you haven’t met us before, thank you still for your support and I hope our paths will cross in the future.

 Have a wonderful holiday season from all of us at JKX Comics,

 Jaye

[queenofchildren]

tfw you feel like an impostor for thinking you might have impostor syndrome just because you're constantly feeling like an impostor

#it's like the inception of anxiety