because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.
you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.
you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.
don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.
if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.
you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:
how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!
aren't you happy yet?
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Kaeyappreciation post!
Kaeya is wonderful in a sense that he:
Has a penmanship described as "Beautiful Handwriting". He for sure worked on that.
Willingly spends his time making sure his outfit looks perfect
Is well-loved by Mondstadt and the Dawn Winery staff
Is described to like a prince, both in looks and in actions
Is shown to be gentle and caring to children and elderly, most seen with Klee and the staff from Dawn Winery
Is a great listener and, therefore, also knows what gifts to buy based off of something someone said in passing
Is predominantly kind- unafraid to help out and defend someone in need. His first reaction is always kindness, and worry about covering up that kindness later on
But Kaeya also has his moments where he:
Says things out of pocket with enough alcohol in his system. Things that usually lead to shame and regret.
Would rather give others the credit for his hard work if he could help it
Intentionally makes himself look suspicious by withholding information and only throwing tidbits that are not of substance
Has sadist tendencies, which affects how he treats both his (cavalry) company and his enemies
Can and will use underhanded tactics to gain the upper hand
Rarely ever says what he truly wants to say
Has a fake smile. Usually lies or only deals with half truths.
He is such a complex character. I really do want people to appreciate him and his intricacies more. The fact that his entire personality and story is done so well and continues to actually grow and expand as the story progresses is something that genuinely makes me want to keep watch of him. I have never, in all my fandoms, stuck to a character as long as I did with Kaeya, and honestly? I know I'm not alone with this.
Look at how well they made our boy!
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some time in the last 24 hours, one of your verified blue checkmarks turned green. why do you have dnf checkmarks? answer quickly 🎤
*throws a smoke bomb*
*throws a chair through a window*
*throws self out window*
*escapes into the blizzard*
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I know I've talked abt this to death, but I still can't get over how Lumity and Huntlow shippers tried to claim Caleb and Evelyn as their own.
Even though Hunter is literally a clone of Caleb and he has the same exact character arc Caleb had. And Willow doesn't fill in the role of "a witch from another world who lured Philip's brother away from him" like Luz does.
I will never quite get over what Huntlows and Lumitys tried to do, because it is the most audacious example of biphobia I've ever seen in a fandom space.
People know on some level, Luz likes princes - it's something that is brought up twice. Luz goes on a quest with a prince and she writes a story where her self-insert kisses a prince. And they're also aware that Luz and Hunter fit the roles of Caleb and Evelyn to a tee. But something in them just can't handle it - the possibility of a bisexual woman writing a story where the bisexual girl has undeniable romantic subtext with a boy is disgusting to them.
Luz is bisexual, but she can't actually be bisexual because most people in LGBTQ+ spaces don't view bisexuality as a legitimate sexuality. People legit see Luz breaking up with her girlfriend to date a boy as an example of homophobia and the writers wanting "to turn her straight." Luz's bisexuality is only valid if she dates girls and is still dating a girl by the time the story ends. Basically bisexuality is only valid if the bisexual "chooses to be gay" because if they don't, then they were always ''straight'' and should be casted out from their own community.
It doesn't matter that Hunter is bisexual and that m/f pairings between two bisexuals are non existent in media. Because Hunter and Luz would "look straight" if they started to date, it renders this important and vital bisexual representation as "straight representation." Because for some reason, people have it in their heads that straight people can relate to the bisexual experience and vice versa.
But yeah, the kneejerk fear and hatred that the Caleb/Evelyn = Lunter parallels invoke in people would be funny if it wasn't downright biphobic lol
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For the 10th Anniversary Community Showcase, I chose my tribute to go towards the cinematic intro and Awakening quest.
The new player experience is important for every video game, and DE taking the time to revamp the start of the game (Not once, but twice) means a lot to the quality of the game throughout to me. Your baby days are much more important and memorable than anything a sort of endgame can provide.
Because it's where we all started... for now, that is.
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