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utilitycaster · 3 years

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Hello I would love to hear you thoughts on Caduceus and his arc. Clay is the only character who’s story has made me cry genuine tears (when he got his fam back) and I feel like his nuances and the changes he goes through tend to be overlooked a lot, exactly because of how quietly they happen.

Of course!

So as Taliesin said a few times and as I've pointed out, Caduceus (and Molly for that matter) was intended to be a static character. Obviously this is an impossibility in D&D because things happen and you cannot control it and moreover I am sure Taliesin is aware of this, so it's more that the intent was to have a character who did not feel they needed to change, possibly in contrast with Percy, who absolutely felt he needed to change. A self-proclaimed static character still needs a reason to be static: Molly's philosophy was, as notably stated on talks, "Life's short...do something to a bagel" and more generally the lack of need for change came from this sort of aimless and benevolent-when-convenient hedonism. Caduceus, on the other hand, is secure in his purpose. He has known who he was supposed to be for his whole life, and he embraces it, and sees no reason to change, until he absolutely has to, and even then he is deeply reluctant.

Caduceus is about what happens when your comfort zone and guiding principles themselves fold in on each other and are like "hey. expand us or else."

I think a lot of people have rightfully noted that from his appearance through the Xhorhas arc, Caduceus sees the rest of the Nein as mourners, and that's within his comfort zone. Sure, there are some moral quandaries at the docks of Nicodranas, but he's able to get through that (in part because he's in the Mighty Nein but isn't personally stealing the ship, in part because of Jester's talk with him). I think it's also worth noting that while Caduceus is extremely insightful he is not superhuman (super firbolgian?) in that regard; it is the insight borne of being someone who is there for mourners and so he has a good eye for emotions, less so for motivations, and a lot of the Nein's motivations early on escape him.

The first wave of big changes happen in Bazzoxan and the immediate aftermath. First, Fjord confides in him and asks for advice - and Caduceus is used to giving advice but I'm not sure he's ever had to offer religious practice advice, as the people he would have interacted with would have either been the sketchy people of Shady Creek Run, or else people already faithful enough to seek the Blooming Grove. And second, the party finds itself directionless for a time; there is no pressing business or better ideas and he cannot hide his own mission behind someone else's, so he voices his recommendation that they come clean to the Bright Queen, and then they go to the kiln.

Caduceus's relationship with Fjord I think is useful to bring up in a sense of contrast, in that Caduceus is incredibly good at helping Fjord through a crisis, because Caduceus is trained for crisis - but it gets much hazier once Fjord is out of said crisis and as it turns out has a very different relationship with the Wildmother, and I think this comes up to an extent when they talk in Rexxentrum. I think Caduceus, for all his talk of nature's violence, struggles with the concept of nature being malevolent or having goals - it just is. Whereas Fjord is much more comfortable with the idea of nature perhaps being a force that is itself a threat, or deceptive, and more generally with the idea of nature as somewhat unknowable and full of mysteries. I don't think Caduceus's personal view of nature ever changes, but I think his ability to process that he doesn't have the answers even in the areas within his comfort zone improves, and this is something of an inflection point with regards to him acknowledging new perspectives on his own comfort zone.

It's also a little before this that we see Caduceus reveal vulnerability for the first real time since his panic attack on the boat right after they stole it, when he confides in The Gentleman. Some of this is a calculated social move, to be fair, but it's a notable step forward.

That said it takes a while to change and he spends a few days post-Rexxentrum doing anything to avoid facing his own mission. It's worth noting that Caduceus is a cleric of the same level as Jester, and could have cast sending before the party ever met up with him, and he never did. So they go to Beau's father and Isharnai first, putting it off as long as he can.

Caduceus's scenes with his family sort of snap all of the above into place, in that his parents are glad he's spent some time in the world and are completely accepting of his desire to keep going for a time. I'm honestly not sure, myself, why he does this because I don't think it's metagaming (ie, it's not Taliesin going 'I can't make a third character') but I think there are multiple valid interpretations. Caduceus's role, as the one who stays at home, is ultimately a self-imposed one.

He sort of mulls on that for the next while, sort of uncomfortably internalizing differing perspectives on deities with the Artagan reveal/Rumblecusp and additionally processing his own deeper relationship with the Wildmother, with multiple visions, and maybe even the fact that nature constantly wants to murder him.

Then we get to Eiselcross and that's when it all hits. I think as soon as he sees the corrupted trees he gets a sense of the scale, that this corruption is not just unnatural but it is ancient and has been a threat for a long time and that staving it off at the Blooming Grove is not getting at the unknown, underlying source (which he probably knew deep down, but as discussed above he does not really love to admit those things to himself). And he realizes that he might need to be the one not just to commit but to initiate violence, as the person with no emotional ties to Lucien via Molly; he finds himself bending his own moral rules for the greater good more; and I think this is when he realizes either that he needs to change, or perhaps that he's been changing quietly and slowly the whole time and has just been terrified to admit it.

The last night at the Blooming Grove before the final push into Aeor is another good look at Caduceus, who, like a number of characters in this campaign, is so very much defined by his ongoing and important familial relationships. We get a brief but heartbreaking glimpse at the state he was in prior to the Nein showing up in the garden, and how he was trying to induce something, anything, to give him direction because he didn't trust himself to leave without that assurance; and his admission, finally, to someone else of that change, that he never wanted to be the person to go on an adventure, that he still has very mixed feelings about it, but that this is his responsibility. And it's that which allows him to confidently say, on Cognouza, that it's time to end this shit.

In short (Clue the Movie voice: too late) Caduceus's arc is someone who has always believed in his sacred, literally god-given responsibility into which he was born, and struggles against the fact that said sacred responsibility ends up being quite different than what he expected but ultimately is able to accept it, and his reward is that he can return to the responsibility he initially embraced, having grown in ways he could not have otherwise.

Now, I think part of why Caduceus's arc gets overlooked is twofold. The first reason is that background arcs are, well, background, and it's quiet and subtle and highly internal and hard to turn into big dramatic moments, which, as a person whose favorite C1 character is Vex, I understand, but also those arcs are the best.

The second, and this is going to sound even more "I appreciate the muppets on a much deeper level than you" than the first, is that I feel a lot of people who considered Caduceus their favorite character did lean into the myth of "superfirbolgian" insight when the fact always was that Caduceus had no interest in the political; did not make Trent quake in his wizard robes in the slightest as was confirmed in the finale; and ultimately wanted most of all to return to his home.

It's a very true and very unique choice and if I may [note: I am writing this so I do what I want] I think a lot of people did not understand Caduceus in that they felt his ending was unhappy for him, and some of this is that people had really stupid takes on the party splitting at the end. I have mixed feelings on the true universality of the Campbellian Monomyth and even more mixed feelings on everyone giving Dan Harmon tons of credit for merely rephrasing it but despite that, Caduceus's arc fits it perfectly (and very literally): comfort zone -> need arises -> unfamiliar situation -> adaptation -> gets what he wants -> at a price -> returns to comfort -> having changed.

#caduceus clay #critical role #long post #me writing this: oh actually c2 was about self-imposed expectations and the various ways they are removed #me writing that previous tag: I should write about that but not tonight i need to like. do things before bed.#also me writing this: should also write about the ongoing familial relationships because i think that's related

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itsomgitsgreenblogging · 4 years

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Labor of Love Chapter 6 (END): A Critical Role Fanfic

And so we come to the end! This chapter is a bit shorter, most due to being a wrap up chapter and a proper ending. And we're getting Critical Role tomorrow!!!!! It's an exciting time for everyone really. I would just like to say, thank you to every single person who reviewed and supported this fic. Just know that I love you all, and hope that your next bite of dessert is as sweet as how you've all been to me and I'm happy to have been a source of something light and cute in a strange time. <3

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It was the morning of the ceremony, and Essek was stressed. Of course there wasn’t much in the world that was more stressful then having an event with Leylas Kryn herself. She demanded as close to perfection that every person could understandably achieve and then some, that was just her style. Essek respected that of course, she was still the most powerful woman in Xhorhas for that very reason. But it didn’t make any of this very enjoyable. In fact, Essek was counting down the minutes until it would be socially acceptable to throw back at least two shots of something hard that burned all the way to his belly.

And also when he might steal a kiss from a certain Zemnian wizard, but that was neither here nor there.

“Who do I need to kill?” Nedna demanded hotly as she grabbed at her phone and tapped at her screen impatiently as if that would make whatever message she was hoping to come through come faster. “The flowers were supposed to be delivered a half-an-hour ago for the wedding party.”

“Oh please,” Essek scoffed as he tapped on the screen of his tome-pad and showed her the delivery app from his account. On the screen it showed the location of the delivery just one street over from the venue itself, before he minimized it. “As if you have the stomach for murder. Leave that up to the professionals.”

Nedna scoffed but seemed content to pout and not whine. Essek was thankful, because he hated when people whined at him. It was part of the reason why he was so good at solving problems. Essek sighed as his shoe tapped a rhythm, the only one that he could think of at the moment was Sweet Caroline, which made Essek think of Caleb and the Mighty Nein and he knew he couldn’t have been thinking about them but-

“What are you nervous about?” Nedna asked breaking his concentration and causing him to lose the beat.

“What do you mean?” Essek asked, incredulously.

“You’re fidgeting,” Nedna pointed out. “You don’t fidget. You don’t get nervous.”

“Contrary to popular belief, I do have emotions,” Essek said with a roll of his eyes as he checked his phone for what must have been the thousandth time that day, discreetly he hoped. “In fact, I’m waiting to hear from my date.”

“Your date?” Nedna asked, eyebrows raised and jaw slack with surprise.

“Am I not allowed to have one?” Essek inquired haughtily, turning up his nose at her like the blue-blood he was.

“You didn’t add anyone to the list,” Nedna said, now sitting up at attention. Essek could see her calculating it out in her head and coming up with the wrong answers, so he figured it would be prudent to nip this in the bud before she could go blather on to the Kryns...or Luxon forbid his mother.

“I don’t need to add someone to the list if they are already on the list, correct?” Essek scoffed impatiently. “Or did I need to put an asterisk and highlight it in red to signify the importance to my love life?”

“Do you always have to be patronizing?”

“When people ask me stupid questions? Yes, I do.”

“Luxon help whoever is in a relationship with you,” Nedna said with a snort.

“Well, it certainly helps that I actually enjoy their company and they enjoy mine. That’s the way functional relationships work, you ought to try it sometime,” Essek said as finally he got a message from Jester. It read, after a disgusting amount of emojis, that they had finished the cake and were in the process of getting it ready for transport. It would be at the reception on time. Essek could help the sigh of relief that escaped from the gridlock of his teeth.

“Ha ha, funny,” Nedna said irritated, bringing him unceremoniously back to reality. Essek was about to open his mouth and tell Nedna where she could put her attitude and her cheap looking pumps that she probably wasted a fortune on, when the door opened. Waccoh looked in and gave them both a pinched look of annoyance.

“It’s time,” a junior assistant said, “Leylas said she needs you two.”

Essek immediately stood up and dawned his coat once again. In the mirror he quickly checked his tie and was out the door with Nedna on his heels. They got to the room where Leylas was sitting with her bridal party. She was dressed in her wedding finery. The bodice of the extravagant gown was designed to catch the light and glitter as if plated by the stars themselves before draping into beautiful gauzy layers that shimmered as she stood. She wore a beautiful crown encrusted with crystals and designed in geometric shapes that were reminiscent of shards of glass or frosted ice, as her designer fixed the veil.

“Quana asked for it,” Leylas said, looking a bit thoughtful as her fingers slid along the material of the veil. “I told her that I was much too old for it...but I suppose she was feeling nostalgic.”

“You look beautiful,” Essek said simply, finding enough breath in his lungs to give her a coherent answer. Leylas was beautiful the way nature was beautiful, totally overwhelming in its majesty and power. Even someone like him could only hope to appreciate it.

“Thank you,” Leylas said. “Tell me, is everything on time?”

“The guests are being directed to their proper seats in the cathedral as we speak,” Nedna said, opening up her tome-pad and showing Leylas the livestream of the event. “I was told Quana’s party arrived and are now waiting in the upper floors for the signals. I finally got confirmation that the flowers have arrived and Quana’s party has received them. They will be given to you all before your appearance.”

“Perfect, and the reception preparations?”

“All a go, the cake will be delivered, the band is already there and is doing warm ups, and the corrections to the decorations you wished for have been taken care of,” Essek reported.

“Good, then there is no need to delay,” she said looking to the bridal party gathered in the room. Her makeup artist and designer joined Essek and Nedna as her bridal party exited the room following Leylas like she was the sun and the rest of them were the planets in her orbit.

“I can’t believe you always work with her,” her designer said, looking slightly faint. Essek realized he was looking at him and Nedna as he made that statement. He was a well dressed half-orc, an up and coming designer who had won Leylas’ attention with his design proposal. Essek could understand why this was intimidating for him, after all, his life was probably going to change after today. He was going to become a household name in Xhorhas. “She’s so intimidating.”

“She has high standards,” Essek said with a shrug. “There is no problem unless you meet them. In that way, she is a very fair boss.”

“Essek’s the only person in the history of the entire world who has never let down the Kryns,” the makeup artist said with a shrug. “And I can say that because I’ve been doing Leylas’ makeup for the past five years and I know that for a fact.”

“It’s because I also have extremely high standards for myself,” Essek said, motioning them to follow. “I’m very rarely satisfied with things as they are. That’s what it takes to work for the Kryns.”

“And also the lack of a social life,” Nedna said.

“I have more of a social life then you thought I did even an hour ago. That’s another thing, never be too boring. Leylas likes people that surprise her...in the good subtle way. She doesn’t like real surprises, she’s very particular about that,” Essek said as they waited for the Kryn party to get into their limousine. Their own car was pulling up after, and Essek opened the door and allowed the others to get in first. “Has anyone heard from Waccoh about the broadcast by the way? Is that working according to plan? It won’t glitch out or anything right?”

“As far as we can tell,” Nedna said.

“Good, then there’s nothing to do but stay the course,” Essek said, catching a glimpse of his cellphone.

Good luck with everything today, I’m thinking about you.

Essek smiled, even just imagining Caleb’s voice could do that to him. That was a simply marvelous thing.

Same to you. Essek responded before slipping his phone in his pocket and preparing for the battle ahead.

________________

The ceremony hall was dark, except for the lights that showed around the altar and illuminated the clerics of the Luxon and the royal couple. Essek watched, with breath caught in his lungs at the wonder of it all. As Quana pressed a kiss to Leylas’ lips with the promise of forever dancing over her tongue, Essek wondered what that might be like…wondered at what the taste of their love was like. Even after all this time, was it still the same?

Based on the way Leylas’ tears shimmered, Essek thought it just might be the case.

________________

The reception was being held at the Lucid Bastion itself, the castle where the nobility once lived. It was a grand affair, and as such everything was washed with the white and silver of the wedding colors. Guests were handed their goodie bags upon arrival and milled about at the cocktail bars as wait staff in crisp white shirts handed them drinks named ridiculous things like White Blossom, or Mint Twilights. Essek confirmed with the staff that everything was going smoothly, and spoke to a few guests to assure their time was going well before he went to mind other equally important business.

Essek moved into the reception area, and that was when he saw the cake in full glory. It was of course different then Essek had seen since it before. It was six hexagonal tiers tall, with each tier having a separate intricate design. Flowers fell in cascading tiers of frothy, silk organza ruffled and powdery with delicate blooms. Smattering of embellishments and the catching of edible crystal shards in hidden spots, delicate marzipan birds, and other gems that left something for the eye to catch at every sweep of it’s magnificent form. This all followed the brush of silver that perfectly drew the gaze to each new pleasure accordingly. At the top was the sculpture of both Leylas and Quana looking much and love and very weirdly adorable in their tiny form courtesy of Jester Lavorre.

“Essek,” Caleb called with a small wave, and Essek tore his eyes away to see him. They were all dressed in tan slacks and white chef’s shirts with the Xhorhaus emblem on the side. It was a good choice for the formal affair, and the light colors really brought out the color of Caleb’s blue eyes.

“Oh Caleb, it’s beautiful,” Essek told him somewhat breathlessly as Caleb crossed the room.

“Just wait until they dim the lights for the first dance,” Caleb said proudly. “That’s when the really fun bits start.”

“Are you talking about funny bits with Essek,” Jester asked as she settled down a tray of desserts for the dessert spread. There were slices of pies with jewel-colored fruit fillings, cookies and macarons in pastels, jellies and puddings and parfaits in glasses, their famous cupcakes with their swirls and sprinkles and glammed up with shimmer-dust. Yasha was placing decorative flowers and vases that had been handed off to her artfully between the display of treats in the most delicate and thoughtful fashion. By each dessert platter there was a little holder of cards, embellished with Xhorhaus Bakery very professionally upon the laminate that Veth was triple checking and double checking before seeming satisfied.

Essek picked up one of the cards, and smiled.

“We got those done last week,” Beauregard said as she wheeled out another tray with more desserts.

“Good for you all,” Essek told them, very pleased as he slid one of the cards into his wallet. Who knew when he was going to need to give it out. “I am so very happy for you, truly.”

“Do you think the boss will like it?” Fjord asked nervously as Caduceus placed a hand on his shoulder. Essek could understand the nerves, after all the camera crews and the guests would be coming in soon enough. If Essek had learned anything about life from working where he did, it was that any event with Leylas Kryn was bound to be overwhelming in more ways than one.

“I can say from knowing Leylas Kryn as well as I do, that she’ll be extremely pleased,” Essek promised them all. “This is exactly what she asked for and far more, you have all completely outdone yourselves.”

“Thank you so much, for the opportunity,” Caleb said, reaching to clasp Essek’s hand.

“No thanks required, you have already done more than enough,” Essek promised them all. Essek was about to say more when Nedna came over, holding her tome-pad.

“The guests are set to arrive in ten minutes, after which there will be the dinner. At the end of the dinner you will be signalled to begin serving the desserts,” Nedna said without lifting her gaze to even look at them. Essek couldn’t help but bristle. He really couldn’t believe her rudeness...but at the same time he also couldn’t blame her. He would like to think he would always look into the eyes of those who were working with him, that was part of the reason he was successful. Essek did wonder if there had ever been a moment where he had been so nonchalant and found himself glad to be changed even in such a small insignificant way. “As requested the lights will be dimmed as you do so to help emphasize the enchantments on the cake and-oh! Here’s the photographer.”

Nedna motioned over the photographer who had an expensive looking camera hanging by his neck.

“I’d like to get a few shots of the cake as well as all of you before everyone comes in,” the photographer said, holding up his camera.

“Of course,” Caleb said. “Would you like us to be out of the picture at first?”

The photographer took a few shots of the cake from different angles. Jester did her best to both art direct and distract to Essek’s enjoyment and Nedna’s chagrin. After that, the photographer showed Nedna the photos as well as the Mighty Nein and Essek. Though Essek was sure that a photo couldn’t really capture the beauty of the cake, it was a well composed shot. With Essek’s final nod, the photographer gave a sigh of relief. They all knew this all would, of course, be shown to Leylas before it made it anywhere near the press release. But Essek had always had a good eye for what his employer would like.

“It looks good,” the photographer said before looking back at the Mighty Nein. “If you guys would like, you should get into the next picture. We can figure out a caption and include it in the media press release as well.”

“You have to make sure to get my good side,” Veth said, striking a pose, causing Beauregard to give her a playful push.

“I’m fairly certain that’s his job,” Fjord pointed out with a fond exasperated shake of his head. “Where would you like us?”

The photographer arranged them so that Yasha, Beauregard, Jester, and Caleb were on one side while Nott, Fjord, and Caduceus were on the other. They were about to take the picture when Jester began waving at Essek. As he was in the midst of this, Essek could see a few of the early arrivals filtering into the room.

“Come on, Essek! Join us!” Jester said, moving over to the other side and wildly gesticulating at the place where she had been next to Caleb.

“I’m not sure that’s appropriate,” Essek began to say as Jester placed her hands on her hips and gave him a chiding look.

“Oh come on, Essek! You helped us so much with the cake!” Jester said.

“You are one of the team,” Beauregard said with a smile and a shrug.

“You are basically part of the Mighty Nein just through association,” Veth said.

“You helped them with the cake?” Nedna asked with a scoff and with a smirk. “You? What? Was it running late?”

“Yes, I helped my boyfriend with the cake his business made,” Essek snapped at Nedna as he marched himself over to where the Mighty Nein was standing in front of the cake and took his place besides Caleb. “Bite me, Nedna.”

Nedna couldn’t have looked more shocked then if Essek had slapped her right in her face. Essek took serious enjoyment from watching her gap like a fish as he stood proudly next to Caleb, who placed his arm around his shoulders and smiled brilliantly at him. The photographer took a few pictures, before calling Essek forward. Essek looked at the picture appraisingly. Everyone in the Mighty Nein was looking proud, though, they would have to pick a picture where Caleb wasn’t looking at him. Though it was sweet, he didn’t think that Leylas would particularly want that picture in her press release.

“Very good,” Essek said. “You’ll want to send either the fourth or the fifth picture to Leylas. Could I give you my details to send the first picture to me? I would love to have it. I’ll be happy to pay for the picture as well.”

“Of course, I would be happy-”

“Essek.”

Essek took a deep breath, channeling the void and smiling his greatest work-mode-activated smile as he turned to face his mother and his very apologetic looking brother who looked like this train wreck was the absolute last thing that he wanted to be dealing with at this exact moment. His mother, dressed in a chic black dress with stilettos that probably could kill a man, tapped out an impatient rhythm as Essek stood before her...as if he were wasting her time merely by existing. Nedna was looking excited to witness the epic scolding that Essek was probably in store for.

“Hello, Mother,” Essek said with his sweetest and most obliging smile. “How are you enjoying the Vow Renewal so far?”

“I see there is someone you haven’t introduced me to yet? Hm?” Deirta said, her voice eerily calm...the way stepping on a lake two degrees from splintering and sending you down to the depths where you would probably become an Essek-popsicle.

“Ah! Deirta, there you are!” A voice suddenly cut the tension like a knife. It was Quana, dressed in her gorgeous white suit that had both Beauregard and Yasha choking at the sight. Even as someone who didn’t find women attractive beyond just aesthetics, Quana really packed a punch that had even Essek momentarily questioning himself (though the desire to actually see Quana naked was nonexistent). Deirta, unable to refuse the hug from Quana was helpless but to accept it and the friendly joyful kiss on the cheek. “I haven’t seen you yet all day, how did you like the Vow Renewal Ceremony?”

“Of course it was beautiful, just to be expected but-”

“And Essek, absolutely wonderful job with everything. Really Deirta, you ought to be so proud of your son. He is just a shining example of what the Xhorhassian Institute is capable of,” Quana said with a knowing glint to her eyes. “And Caleb, it's so wonderful to see you again. The cake looks absolutely stunning, I know I speak for both me and my wife when I say I can’t wait for the grand finale. Really Essek, your boyfriend is so talented! You’ll absolutely be the talk of Rosohna with this. In fact, I’ve already heard the ambassador to Marquet’s wife asking about a cake!”

“Ah, ja, thank you so much Mrs. Kryn. I can’t explain how much that means to us,” Caleb said, putting an arm around Essek’s waist. Essek tried to act natural and not like he was two breaths away from passing out from the prolonged exposure to Caleb’s body. “And yes, I did speak to the ambassador’s wife. I am glad she has expressed such interest, and I would be happy to speak to her.”

“You know, Deirta, she’s the one planning on helping out with the trade deal. She’ll be beyond herself with joy to know that he’s Essek’s boyfriend, especially if that means she gets ahead in the lines of people already lined up.”

“Oh, really?” Deirta asked, sounding absolutely tickled pink by this new and very profitable connection that she had suddenly made. “Do you think you would be able to introduce me?”

“Oh it would be my pleasure,” Quana said, holding out her arm to Deirta who took it. “Just don’t tell my wife, she may get jealous.”

“Oh you two never change,” Deirta said with a joking swat before looking over at Essek and Caleb. “It was lovely to meet you Caleb. We’ll have to do family brunch some time, when things settle down a bit.”

“Of course,” Caleb said with a very understanding nod, and like that Deirta flounced off to terrorize someone else, Nedna skulked off having not been given the show she clearly had scripted in her own head. This left Verin behind with them. He had watched all of this unfold before him quietly, but just as Essek began to worry about his reaction he gave Essek a weak smile as he approached them.

“Sorry,” Verin said, sounding like he was apologizing for more than just this interaction. “Though...it will be nice for mother to worry herself about another relationship...besides mine of course.”

“Oh please she won’t be worried about my relationship, we both know which one of us has the better judgement,” Essek said, smiling up at Caleb and meeting his loving gaze. “Don’t be jealous.”

“You are a brave man, Mr. Widogast,” Verin said with a roll of his side. “If I had to take Essek’s shit on a regular basis, I would have flung myself out of the nearest window years ago.”

“I am a very lucky man,” Caleb said, pressing a kiss to Essek’s temple that had Essek smiling like a dopey love sick fool. Essek shook out of it and gave his chest an appreciative pat. “It is nice to meet you though.”

“Likewise. We’ll have to talk some other time, when things aren’t so busy.”

“Thank you, Verin,” Essek told him honestly, reaching and grabbing his arm and looking him in the eye. Verin was momentarily startled, clearly, since Essek couldn’t recall a moment when he had initiated contact like this with his brother. “Really.”

“Hey now, don’t get sappy on me,” Verin told him, reaching out, giving Essek a short but heartfelt hug, before pulling away and smiling at him. “We’re Theylss kids, it’s what we do. Besides, we still need to survive the evening.”

With a final parting wave, he made his way to the table where he was assigned and joined his girlfriend. Essek watched him go, and made sure to make a mental note to buy him something nice for his birthday for a change. He didn’t think that a card and a check was going to cut it this year, all things considered.

“You guys are official!” Veth screeched, rushing them and sounding breathless. “When? How? What?”

“Congratulations,” Caduceus said, smiling a wide and warm smile.

“Oh it was super obvious that they were,” Jester said waving at Veth. “It’s not like we didn’t see them smooching the other day.”

“Smooching is one thing, being together is another!” Veth argued. Essek attempted to grapple with that new information. It had to have been when Essek had dropped Caleb off after that stressful night of desperation baking. Essek felt his ears warm through with the realization that they had had an audience.

“Well congrats on finally seeing what’s been written all over your faces for like months now,” Beauregard said, giving Caleb an appreciative slap on the back. Caleb gave her a smile that they shared as he reached out and gave her hair a teasing ruffle.

“It is a wonderful thing,” Yasha said, quietly...softly, and with a sweet small personal smile.

“I’m happy for you two,” Fjord promised. “It is a wonderful thing, Yasha is right.”

“Thank you all,” Caleb said, with a glisten to his eyes which couldn’t have just been the light. “But before we really celebrate, we’ve got to make sure this goes off without a hitch.”

“Caleb is right in that respect,” Fjord said. “Everyone, man your battle stations. We’ve got work to do.”

“Aye, aye captain!” The rest of the Mighty Nein said with a mock salute.

“I wish you all the best of luck,” Essek said before pressing up on his toes and giving Caleb the shortest and softest kiss he had ever given in his whole life. “You’ll be brilliant.”

“I wish I had your confidence,” Caleb said, eyes butter-soft blue.

“I don’t have to be confident. I just know,” Essek said. “I’ll see you all after the fact.”

With that and a parting wave, Essek made it over to his assigned seat. It was off to the side of the Kryn’s, just in case they were going to need anything. Photographers and videographers were stationed then, and Quana had disappeared to the back. It was then when the guests had finally filtered into their seats when the announcer announced Leylas and Quana, who appeared to a raucous applause from everyone. Leylas had changed her dress to something more form fitting, but made almost completely out of shimmering jewels that fractured light as she moved with Quana to the head of the table.

Dinner itself was of a bespoke design, small little dishes of designer appeal that were meant to be consumed in a bite or two before the next round appeared. Essek tasted no flavor, but ate only to bide his time and to look busy. Essek tried not to keep catching Caleb’s gaze from across the room, but it seemed like Caleb himself was an opposite charge pulling Essek’s eyes forward. Eventually though, glasses were refilled with an expensive wine and the lights were dimmed.

“We hope that our next dish surprises and delights from the Xhorhaus Bakery in Rosohna,” the announcer said.

Caleb moved his hand in a somatic gesture with the cake knife. With a final flick of his fingers, it was almost like sparks caught dry brush. A glimmer filled the air, like the soft light of dappled trees in autumn, or the filling pool of a hearth, or a cascade of light coming in from a cave mouth. Sugar flowers opened up like they were craning for the sun, light caught in the crystals and scattered them out, marzipan birds nestled between roots flew before settling on other lays, and most impressively those same firefly sparks that moved about the room settled on the candles at every table and lit them with a warm glow.

When the glow settled into a pleasant mirage, heat casting illusions from a dancing candle flame, there was a mighty clap of applause. Essek could help his smile as all of the Mighty Nein took a short bow before the lights were turned up just a smidge and they began to hand out slices of cakes and other desserts along with the other servers.

“I hope you enjoy,” Caleb said, settling down a slice for both Quana and Leylas. Leylas said something to Caleb that made him smile, but it was soft enough that Essek couldn’t parse it out. Then he came over to Essek’s table with the rest of the planning team, settling down a piece for every and then pausing in front of Essek. “Let me know how you like it.”

Essek didn’t wait before taking a bite.

The cake itself was tender and its crumbs disappeared in the mouth with the heady taste of brown sugar and almond and vanilla, then cut through with a deep tart black currant syrup that was soaked into the bottom cake while immediately lightened by layer of soft plum jam that fluttered against the mouth like moth wings. And then of course there was the vanilla frosting that was so light and smooth and heavenly that Essek wondered if that was what eating a cloud would be like. As he ate, he was warmed through, bundled up by a fire and held against arms that carried with them the scent of clean wood fires and summer days. And there was the hint of lemon, the hint of sunlight, a hint of Caleb, a hint of the love that gave to Essek until he was bursting at the seams.

“I love it,” Essek told him, with a smile.

________________________

Later, when the entire room was dancing and laughing, Essek found himself sitting beside Caleb. His hand was in Caleb’s, while Caleb ran his fingers along the divots of Essek’s knuckles like he was attempting to memorize him by touch alone. Essek did nothing to discourage him, and simply leaned just a bit closer.

“I like my job,” Essek said as he watched Quana dip Leylas and plant a kiss to her. Leylas squawked indignantly, but based the pleased purple flush to her skin, she didn’t seem to mind. “But I’m beginning to think, perhaps, my days off are a little too idle. I always need to be busy.”

“Really?” Caleb asked curiously, as Veth and Beauregard were flipping a coin. When it landed Beauregard swore as Veth swiped her drink and took it herself. Yasha and Jester watched this and laughed. Fjord clapped Caduceus on the back and both of them laughed at a joke that had obviously been told at someone’s expense.

“Is there still an opening available for a barista or has the position been filled?” Essek asked Caleb curiously.

“I may have to move a few interviews around, but as long as your recommendations are good I don’t see why we can’t make it work,” Caleb chuckled, slinging his arm around Essek, and Essek pulled in close against him. “I may take up your offer, Mr. Theylss, if you are so inclined.”

“You better be careful,” Essek joked. “Remember what I said, you give me an in and you’ll be only a partner soon.”

“Only a partner?” Caleb asked in return. “I don’t think there’s anything I would like more. A baking’s a labor of love, and I can hardly only imagine what will happen when we stuff more love in that place.”

“We might take over the world,” Essek pointed out with a laugh.

“With our friends? Absolutely. Let’s! But you will have to tell me what flavors you think everything should be.”

“Lemon,” Essek laughed as Caleb grinned at him in return. And so the dancing went on and the evening turned to night, but Essek was held safely in the arms of a man that he loved. Essek couldn’t believe that there would ever be anything sweeter than that.

#critical role #critical role fanfiction #shadowgast #essek theylss #caleb widogast

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bloodyshadow1 · 5 years

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Flowers, Feathers, and Fists, ch4

“Are you drunk Beau,” Yasha asked despite knowing the answer.

“Nope,” Beau seethed frustrated beyond belief, “not for a lack of trying though,” she said gesturing to the several empty bottles beside her. Beau hadn’t been able to get drunk for a long time. Something they never told her when she ‘volunteered’ to be a monk of the Cobalt Soul was that as you become more and more connected with your own ki and the ki of the universe, your body adapts, becoming immune to poisons and disease. Which meant that Beau could drink all day and night the stoutest of spirits and not get buzzed in the slightest.

“You’re making quite a mess for a pointless quest,” Yasha said pointing to the broken glass from the bottle Beau had dropped. “We both know you can’t get drunk, you proved that with Nott’s flask a long time ago. The only thing that’s going to happen is you’re going to make yourself sick.” Even if the alcohol couldn’t affect her, drinking too much of anything wasn’t good for you.

“I’m paying for it,” Beau shot back pointing to the pile of gold coins on the bar, next to the bottles, “Even if I can’t get drunk that doesn’t mean I can’t try. If I’m going to die, I don’t want to die sober.” She looked back to the barbarian with sad guilty eyes.

“You’re not going to die Beau,” Yasha said, not until we talk she said to herself. She wouldn’t let Beau die, god help whatever gods tried to take her or Zuala away from Yasha.

“Zuala told you what happened,” Beau said more than asked, as she eyed the barbarian and the sword strapped to Yasha’s back. “You wouldn’t be down here if she hadn’t, sword and all.”

Yasha stared at Beau, she was always tiny compared to her, but this was the first time Yasha had ever seen the monk ever looked small. She looked tired and exhausted, her eyes were red and not from the alcohol, she might have cried a bit. “The weight of my blade was to comfort me when I have something important that I have to say, I don’t need it for killing tonight.” Or today might be more appropriate the sun would be up in a few hours.

“I’ll leave,” Beau said softly, like a scared child. “I’ll leave if that’s what you want Yasha, I don’t want to make trouble for you and Zuala.” She sounded close to tears, but she sounded sincere, and Yasha knew she was. She also knew that Beau would rather die than leave the Nein, her real family behind, but she would for Yasha. She would do so much for Yasha and the barbarian wished she realized it sooner.

“I don’t want you to leave Beau,” Yasha said awkwardly. She didn’t expect Beau to be like this, so miserable and tired. She should have known that for all her good qualities, Beau was crippled by self doubt and self blame. She was exhausted, both of them were, but Beau looked far worse. “Zuala told me what happened, I’m not mad, not at you and not at her,” she tried to be soothing, at the very least Beau didn’t look like she was on death row anymore.

“How can you not be angry with me,” Beau asked in a small voice, “I kissed your wife?”

Imagining the incident, Zuala kissing Beau curled a fire in Yasha’s belly that she didn’t need to think about right now. Though at the very least it was a pleasant feeling now that she had come to see things from another point of view. “From what Zuala told me she did most of the kissing,” Yasha tried to tease, but she wasn’t very good at it yet, “look, I want to talk to you about this, but you’re in no state to have this conversation, and having a clearer look at things maybe I’m not either,” she said truthfully. She desperately wanted to talk to Beau about what she had discussed with Zuala, but neither of them were in any condition to talk about something this big.

“Come here,” Yasha said gesturing for Beau to get into her arms, she didn’t trust the monk not to try and drink herself stupid if she went back to her own room.

Cautiously Beau stepped towards Yasha, like a deer sniffing to see if her food source was trapped. Yasha just rolled her eyes and picked Beau up princess style instead of over the should like she used to surprising them both. “I-I have 5 gold around here somewhere,” Beau managed to get her joke out through her stuttering. Though she reached into her purse anyway as if she didn’t believe what was happening was real.

“It’s fine,” Yasha said brushing off the monk’s offer and tried to ignore how right it felt to have Beau in her arms like this. If everything went well then they could talk tomorrow and maybe Beau would end up here more often, but until then she tried not to enjoy it as much as she did.

“How are you not mad at me,” Beau asked cautiously after Yasha cleared the steps, “I’d be pissed.”

“Don’t worry about that for now Beauregard,” Zuala was right, Beau did let out a nice shiver when you used her full name. “I spoke with Zuala and we both need to talk with you tomorrow. Just know that I’m not angry with you, and neither is Zuala.”

“If I wasn’t so pissed about not being able to get drunk I’d be sure I was drunk,” Beau mumbled into Yasha’s shoulder. She really was quite cute when she was confused and tired.

“Make sure you drink plenty of water before you go to bed,” Yasha warned as she got to the room Beau shared with Jester. “Just because you can’t get drunk doesn’t mean whatever you drank won’t dry you out.”

“None of the fun of getting drunk but all of the hangover,” Beau said annoyed, “lucky for me.” She looked unsure at Yasha as if she didn’t believe that this was actually happening.

“Drink your water and go to bed Beau, you need your rest,” Yasha said giving the tiny monk a kiss on the forehead. She channeled some of power her angelic blood gave her and did what little healing she could through her lips. It wouldn’t heal the hangover, but it would help in a small way. “We’ll talk tomorrow, I promise,” with that she left to go back to her own room. Her face was red from her own boldness, and as she walked away she could hear Beau whisper something about somehow getting to be drunk, that helped with Yasha’s ego.

Tomorrow then, tomorrow things would change, one way or another.

“How did it go,” Zuala asked when Yasha returned to their room. “Your back quicker than I thought.”

“I didn’t talk to Beau about our relationship,” Yasha told her sitting down exhausted. She didn’t realize how tired she was.

“Did you chicken out,” Zuala teased gently, she knew how hard it was for Yasha to be open, especially with other people. it had taken her a long time for her to even get comfortable around Zuala, but Zuala knew she was worth the wait, just like Beau. “If you want I can talk to her tomorrow, I’m the one who started this after all.”

“No,” Yasha said firmly, “you can be there, but I need to be the one who talks to her about this, I owe her that much at least.”

“Okay,” Zuala said dragging Yasha down to the bed so they could get some well earned rest, “but I’m going to be there to,” she insisted. “It involves the three of us after all.”

“That might be for the best,” Yasha said as she closed her eyes, it would be less complicated and more believable coming from both of them instead of just her.

“Sleep now my Angel,” Zuala said, “we have a quite the day tomorrow,” and with that the two fell asleep knowing they would need their rest for tomorrow.

Yasha and Zuala weren’t able to speak with Beau in the morning, the monk was hungover from her attempt at literally drowning herself in alcohol as predicted and was in no mood to speak to anyone. They set off traveling, the rest of the Nein could feel the awkwardness between the three women. Jester asked Beau about it when doing what she could to relieve the pain in her head, but Beau just told the cleric that she thinks she messed up. Nott asked Zuala and Yasha what Beau did though and Zuala told her that Beau didn’t do anything wrong, which sounded alien to the goblin/halfling, but she didn’t press it any more. Only Molly was willing to press them, as he viewed it as his right as best friend, but even he barely got anything more, just that the three of them needed to talk.

Eventually they stopped their cart early, they were in no rush to Zadash, it was a summer’s day which meant the sun would be high in the sky regardless and they knew this spot on the road was safe enough. They were probably strong enough to deal with anything that attacked them on the main road, but it was the best place to camp for a while, they had been down this road enough to know that. Besides, worst comes to worst, Caleb could teleport them all where they wanted to go, cart and all.

Once they settled in for the night it was close to sundown, Zuala nodded to Yasha and the barbarian went over to Beau. “I -, we need to speak with you Beau,” Yasha said awkardly gesturing between her and Zuala. She tried to ignore the fact that the others were staring at the two of them with great interest. “In private,” she stated to make sure that was clear.

Beau looked like she was thinking for a bit, like she was trying to figure out an escape but eventually relented with a sigh, “yeah sure. How bout the three of us go for a walk,” she suggested. Her voice was full of false cheer, as if she expected the worst to happen.

“Wonderful,” Zuala said coming over, “let’s head that way,” she sort of dragged Beau with her leaving Yasha alone to face the others.

“Caleb,” Yasha said walking over to the wizard. “I adore Frumpkin very much,” she stated, “please do not make me send him back to his realm by making him spy on us,” the threat was clear in her voice.

“Ja of course Yasha,” Caleb agreed quickly. For all the power he gained the last few years, he knew better than to piss off the barbarian no matter how tranquil she seemed. It wasn’t worth the 10 gold to resummon his cat and have the three women mad at him no matter how much he, and the others, wanted to know what happened between the three women.

“Thank you,” Yasha nodded, “anyone else who follows us puts their own lives in peril as well, this is the only warning,” she said looking directly at Nott and Jester. Without another word she turned from the camp and followed her wife and her…, well her Beau if things went well.

The three of them walked for about 10 minutes before they reached another clearing that seemed good enough for them to talk. During the walk Beau glanced around every now and then, maybe looking for someone following them, or maybe looking for an escape route. It hurt Yasha, that Beau thought she would hurt her, Yasha never would hurt her if her will was her own. Yasha knew that it wasn’t that Beau thought that Yasha would hurt her, just that she was used to people hurting her, it didn’t do much to make Yasha feel any better though.

“Alright,” Beau said breaking the silence, “I know you guys are the ones who wanted to talk with me, but do you mind if I say something first?”

Zuala exchanged a look with her wife, this wasn’t how they had thought it was going to go, but they weren’t going to stop her. “Of course Beauregard, say whatever you wish without judgement,” she promised. It was her impulsiveness that got them all into this…, well it was only a mess if it didn’t work out, if it did she was a genius who deserved to be worshipped by both her lovers. Still, it was her actions that brought them here so she needed to respect whatever Beau said.

“So you’re not mad at me,” Beau turned to ask Yasha, “for kissing your wife.”

“I’m not Beau,” Yasha promised.

“Well then I can only guess the reason that the two of you asked me out here if it wasn’t to kill me,” Beau said. It didn’t surprise them, despite her self-depreciation, Beau was smart and clever, but still, something seemed off about her. “I can’t believe I’m saying this,” she muttered more to herself than to them, “but I’m gonna have to turn you down.”

It was heartbreaking to hear for Yasha and Zuala who had hoped and believed that Beau would be happy to be in a relationship with them. Still, despite the hurt they would respect Beau’s wishes. “Of course Beauregard,” Zuala said though her cheeks flushed white in embarrassment, she couldn’t believe that she was, “I’m sorry for all of this, I never wanted to make you uncomfortable.”

“Look it’s not that,” Beau said she looked guilty, “I’m flattered and will probably hate myself for the rest of my life for turning you guys down, but I just…, can’t.” She looked really down. “I mean if you guys wanted to spice up your sex lives, I get it, but you can find someone better than me.”

There it was, Beau made an assumption, not a insane or illogical one, that Yasha and Zuala wanted to invite her into their bed. “Beau,” Yasha said softly, Zuala hadn’t known Beau very long, but Yasha knew that dark look in the monk’s eyes.

“I mean,” Beau started again as she turned her back to them before they could say anything else, “you guys can afford Jester’s mom with all the money we have if you want an exciting night. I mean I’m no slouch with women, but they don't write songs about.”

“What if we weren’t asking for just for a night Beau,” Yasha said taking the smaller woman’s arm and turning her around, forcing Beau to look at her.

“Well than what else would you want me for,” Beau shouted back, she didn’t even know why she was yell, but the emotions were building up inside of her and she needed to get them out somehow, it was either shout or cry and she wasn’t going to cry in front of them. “I can only punch things and hit on pretty women badly, I’m not good at anything else. Why else could you want me for,” she whispered that last part as she fought back tears.

Yasha could only look at her with sad pitying eyes and Beau wanted to get angry, it would be better than being this pathetic mess. But she couldn’t, she was always so full of anger and she hated being pitied, why couldn't she get angry at Yasha now. If she lashed out maybe it would show Zuala and Yasha the real her the garbage person that’s pretending to be a competent member of the party.

“Oh Beauregard,” Yasha said her eyes full of warm pity and something else Beau couldn’t recognize. Briefly Beau wondered if she sounded like that all those years ago on Bisaft, nah, she probably sounded more condescending than concerned. The little monk tried to pull away from her weakly but she couldn't summon any strength to get out of Yasha’s grip.

“There are many reasons to want you Beauregard,” Zuala said gently as she went to Beau’s other side so she had to look at one of them. “You’re far more amazing than you give yourself credit,” she said taking Beau’s face in her hands.

“I’m just a garbage person who hits things,” Beau protested weakly, she always felt weak when looking into the eyes of a pretty girl and Zuala was beautiful. “I’m the normal one.”

“No Beau, you’re far from normal,” Yasha said in her gentle thunderstorm voice, Zuala let go of Beau’s face so she could meet Yasha’s eyes, “you’re extraordinary,” she whispered and Beau felt her knees go weak.

“You can’t just say things like that to a girl Yasha,”Beau mumbled to the ground her face bright red. “Not like that and certainly not with your wife right here, a girl could get the wrong idea.”

“What if it was exactly the right idea,” Zuala said softly and Beau turned back to her, being surrounded by the two most beautiful women in the world and constantly having to switch between them was giving Beau whiplash.

“I mean I already said -,” Beau hesitated.

“I don’t mean in our bed for a night Beauregard,” Zuala interrupted with a gentle power in her voice, “in our bed, in our hearts, maybe one day…, in our marriage.”

Part of Beau had an inkling about what they wanted from her when Yasha didn’t pull out her sword, or at least punch her for kissing her wife. But it was the part of her that Beau never listened to, the part that told her she was loved, the part that told her she was smart and strong, the part of her that told her she wasn’t garbage or a mistake. It was the part of her that sounded warm and kind, that sounded like hope. Beau was terrified of that part of her, more than the voices in her head that sounded like her parents that called her worthless, trash, that her friends only pretended to care about her…, that she was unloveable.

“You’re good Beauregard,” Zuala continued not giving Beau a chance to be overwhelmed by her own thoughts. “You’re strong, and sweet, and funny, and smart, and so fucking hot,” she said giving Beau a cheeky smile.

“You’re amazing Beau,” Yasha said gentle wrapping Beau in her arms, “you don’t have to agree to anything, but it doesn’t change that. You are beautiful and strong, and have one of the biggest hearts I’ve ever seen. I don’t know why you can’t love yourself, but I don’t care. I will love you enough for the three of us.”

That, That wasn’t what Beau thought Yasha would say. Only one person in her entire life and told Beau that they loved her, and that was Jester who said it as a friend after Beau said it first. Here Yasha, the girl she had been in lov-, pinning over for the past couple of years said it first, it couldn’t be real. “Y-you love me,” Beau asked as if it was the most important question in the world, and maybe it was.

This wasn’t how she wanted to tell Beau, this isn’t what she had talked about with Zuala, but love was rarely something that went according to plan. Instead, Yasha steeled her courage and spoke with her heart, “Yes Beau, I’m in love with you,” it was gentle and sweet, but Yasha felt like an even heavier weight was removed from her heart than the one from last night when she talked to Zuala. “I think I have been for a long time.”

Beau looked terrified, “b-but,” as she looked at Zuala, did she ruin the closest thing she had seen to a good relationship. She had been worried since Zuala kissed her last night, ‘of course your ruined them you piece of shit,’ a voice in her head snarled at her sounding like her dad, ‘it’s what you do.’ It had probably wanted to berate her more as she started to panic, but Zuala interrupted it.

“Breathe Beauregard,” Zuala said gently taking Beau’s panicking face in her hands again, “breathe in and out, slowly.” As she was walking through a simple breathing exercise Beau managed to stem the panic attack before it came full blast. “Yasha and I still love each other, that hasn’t changed, I promise. We just found out that maybe, our hearts were bigger than we thought they were and had room for another. Room for you,” she said softly as she made the offer, there was no demand or trying to trap, just letting the self-destructive monk know that people cared about her.

“I-I’m grateful,” Beau said trying to find the words, “but I can’t,” the words hurt to get out. She never wanted anything more than to be in the arms of these two women, but she couldn’t. She was impossible to want, not worth loving. Beau was the unwanted daughter of the esteemed Lionett family, replaceable, broken, the rotten fruit of her mother’s womb her father was fond of saying. She ruined everything she touched, she couldn’t do that to them, even when they realized she wasn’t worth their time and removed her from their relationship, she was worried she would taint what they had. “I can’t ruin you two,” tears started to fall even as she struggled to get out of Yasha’s arms. She couldn't breathe, she needed to get out of here, away from them.

Yasha let go of her, but caught her arm before she could go dashing off into the forest, “you are not going to ruin anything Beau, because that isn't you. If it's still a no because we're not what you want than fine. But if it’s because you’re scared that you’re going to ruin us or because you hate yourself than please stay, Zuala and I will love you so much that it won’t hurt as bad and we’ll make sure one day you’ll see yourself as amazing and beautiful as we see you.”

Beau turned her head towards Zuala, the monk had lusted over Yasha since the moment she saw the barbarian, had loved her for almost as long. But the tiefling looked at her lovingly and acceptingly, “you’re amazing Beau,” Zuala said softly, “you’ve saved my life, you’re gorgeous, and when you fight my heart dances like you do. If you want to say yes, than say yes, we will face anything to have you with us, because you’re worth it. It’s going to be hard sometimes, sure, but all relationships are and I would rather the three of us face it together than alone.”

Beau stood their, Yasha let the monk’s arm slip out of her hand, as much as she wanted to hold Beau, she needed to be the one to make the decision without interference. She wouldn’t ever take away Beau’s freedom, something she never had before meeting the Nein.

“I-if I say yes, and I’m not saying I am,” Beau said weakly, her will was eroding, the self-loathing was still there like always, but the two beautiful women confessing to her seemed to quiet it a bit, “there have got to be some rules.”

“Of course Beauregard,” Zuala said hopefully, she had a sweet smile on her face despite her heart threatening to escape her chest. She hadn’t felt this way since Yasha gave her a roc’s feather when they were teenagers. “We wouldn’t want to do anything that would make you uncomfortable, it’s a lot to ask.”

“Okay,” Beau said softly, thinking about what she needed, “if the three of us become a thing, you guys can’t give me special treatment in battle,” she said firmly. “I’m not a fragile piece of glass and I don’t need a babysitter. I’m a front line fighter, I get up in the face of our enemies whether they’re people or monsters and beat them to death with my bare hands so they don’t hurt anyone else. It’s my job to protect everyone and if we’re going to be together you both need to accept that.”

It was hard for them, but both Yasha and Zuala agreed, Yasha understood better than most how strong Beau was, she had fought beside her all this time. Still, the monk wasn’t as indestructible as she made herself out to be, she was dodgy and good at reading her opponents, but she was still just a person beneath her training. She was tough and strong, but just as vulnerable to blades and arrows. But Yasha also knew that she was right, you couldn’t fight to win if you were fighting to keep one person safe. It had taken Yasha a long time to realize that protecting everyone meant that everyone was protecting you too.

“Two,” Beau said continuing, she still sounded like she was choking, but at least now she seemed like she was managing. “The three of us take what…, this is slow. I’m not good at relationships with one person, I can’t imagine how much I’m going to fuck it up, but hopefully if you guys are willing to be a bit patient maybe I won’t be too much of a screwup.”

“Of course Beuregard,” Zuala said right away, she knew how to deal with a nervous lover who was constantly down on herself, “we won’t rush things, what we’re trying to do is new to all of us, it would be best to take things slow.”

“Alright,” Beau said a bit softer, “last one for now, if…, whenI get to be too much to deal with, just tell me and drop me, I won’t complain, I’ll just take the hint and we can go back to being teammates. So don’t hesitate.” That was the hardest part for Beau, maybe she could hold off a bit and have some good memories with Zuala and Yasha until they realized she wasn’t worth it, but she knew it was going to happen eventually.

“What Be-,” Zuala started to say. She needed Beauregard to know that they wouldn’t leave her alone no matter what, that their feelings weren’t conditional, but Yasha stopped her.

“Done,” Yasha said interrupting Zuala before she could argue with Beau, “you said that was your last one for now,” she walked over to Beau. Beau nodded, she wanted this, but part of her also wanted them to but part of her also wanted them to assure her that she wouldn’t get that bad. “If you have other needs, just let us know, we’ll do our best to accommodate you,” she said it slowly with a confidence she didn’t have. “You’re an equal to the two of us in this, even if this is very confusing for all of us, so don’t hesitate to speak up. I promise we will always be willing to listen.”

“I have your word that you’ll end things if I get to bad,” Beau asked making sure.

“Yes,” Yasha nodded, “the minute you become too much to handle we will cut you loose,” she confirmed. Taking Beau’s face in her hands Yasha continued, “but you will never become that Beau I promise. I love you Beau, I’m not scared to say that, and someone you love can never go too far or get so bad that you have to cut them loose.”

Yasha spoke with such strong sincerity and conviction Beau couldn’t help but believe her. In the end, she was emotionally exhausted and too tired of fighting what she wanted. “Okay,” Beau managed to get out, her eyes were gleaming with tears but no more fell, not yet anyway, “if you guys are willing to take a risk on a bad investment like me than let’s do this.” It didn’t feel right, no, what she said didn’t feel correct. It wasn’t something flowery like bards sang about and it didn’t go on and on like the purple prose poets wrote about, but it was so unbelievably Beauregard of the Mighty Nein that it felt righter than anything she could have said.

Yasha and Zuala smiled at her and embraced her softly, Beau wasn’t a hugger, not because she didn’t like them, but because before meeting Jester and the rest of the Nein she never experienced one. But still, sandwiched between two gorgeous and powerful Xhorhasian women who apparently cared about her flaws and all, it was pretty damn right.

Notes:

So what did you think, did you like it, dislike it, love it, love parts but hate others, favorite part least favorite part, think I should burn in hell, tell me your thoughts. You don't have to read this part this is just me being anxious about my writing and rambling on a bit with my thoughts I'm a bit sorry about how angsty Beau is, maybe a bit ooc but she's my favorite character and I think she has a lot of self-loathing that keeps her trapped and realizing she's not nearly as bad as she seems will allow her to be happy. I also figured that while Beau and Yasha had to talk and beauyasha is my opt, Zuala desevered and needed to be there if the three of them are going to be in a happy and healthy polyamorous relationship together The hardest part of writing this was at the end where the three of them are talking, it's really hard to write dialog and having three people present and communicating is so frustrating. I actually sort of ended it where it was because I thought it fit and because between the three of them it would only get longer and more messier at that point. Additionally: Big thanks to everyone who commented and gave kudos, here and on the beauyasha discord, your kind words have helped me so much in pushing through my writers block, the kind words I got a few days ago are the only reason I finished this chapter so you never know when a nice word or comment can do for a writer I thought about ending it on a kiss too, between Yasha and Beau and then Zuala and Beau and Yasha and Zuala, but it got too messy already with the heaviness and I realized I would rather have it during the next chapter than the end of this one. Finally, I know Yasha said that loving someone means accepting their flaws and never giving up on them, but that is not good advice. It works here because Yasha knows it's beau's selfloathing and abusive past speaking, and they are going to be in a romantic relationship, she has known Beau for a long time and trusted her with her life for a long time, but in general love has limits. People who claim to love you can hurt you, intentionally even and will keep doing it if you let them, sometimes it's best to just cut off the dead limb if the tree is going to survive. It sounds harsh but that's just the way it is sometimes and it will be better for you in the long run as long as you are safe leaving the person. Anyway, I'm going to stop here, thank you for reading

#critical role #the mighty nein #critical role fic #beauyasha #beau x yasha x zuala #yasha #zuala #critical role fanfiction #flowers feathers and fists #fanfiction

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