#this is a jourey and i hope its not too disconnected it gets a little cracky for like .1 second i dont even know

[chocolatecakecas]

Baby Blues

Through the Dark: Season 13 Destiel Fic Part 9

Part 1     Part 3     Part 4     Part 5     Part 6     Part 7  Part 8 Part 10

or read on ao3

Dean aggressively jerks the car into park, and rips the keys out of the ignition, sending a silent apology to Baby.

Friggin Sam and his friggin brilliant ideas.

Beside him, Cas wordlessly slides out of the passenger seat, slamming the door as he goes.

Rage radiated off Dean as he watched him disappear through the door. He gripped the wheel tighter, squeezing his eyes shut.

This is all Sam's fault. It was his idea for them to go on this damn hunt in the first place.

He insisted, since Dean had barely left the house since Jack, and he hadn't been a hunt since that giant ass vamp nest. Insisted that some "alone time would do them good". So he promised to take care of Jack, and practically shoved them out the door.

Yeah, and some good it did them. They hadn't even spoken since their little screaming match, sitting the entire ride in silence.

And none of this would have even happened if Cas had jus-

Dean groaned, banging his hands against the wheel.

Who the hell did Cas think he was slamming Baby's door, thinking he's the one who’s allowed to be mad? After the stunt he just pulled?

Nope, that's it. They're talking, now.

(read the rest under the cut)

And with that, Dean was out of the car, stomping after Cas.

Dean shouts as soon as he spots him in the hall, and Cas doesn't even acknowledge that he heard.

Wow real mature, Dean thinks to himself. So stalks after him.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Dean questions grabbing his shoulder to spin him around.

"Going to find my child who I haven't seen in three days" Cas replies dripping with sarcasm.

He turned to leave, but Dean quickly pulled him back. Cas' levels him with an unimpressed look.

"Hey we aren't done with thi-"

"Oh I think we are" Cas scoffs bitterly, as he pushes out of Dean's grasp.

While he continued down the hall, Dean paused for a moment in an attempt to calm himself. With a sigh he tipped his head back, groaning when he noticed one of the bulbs above him flickering. Great, now he's gotta fix that.

Spotting the broken bulb did nothing to diminish the fire burning inside him, in fact, it only fueled it. So he quickly took off after Cas' retreating form.

"You pulled that stupid move Cas, we're talking about it. It was completely reckless, what the hell were y-"

"Reckless? You want to lecture me about reckless? After all of the insane things you've done over the ye-" Cas starts bitterly, not slowing his pace.

"-We aren't talking about the dumb shit I've done, we're talking about you, right here, right now. You could hav-"

"I had it under contro-"

"Really? So almost getting sliced in half i-"

"Don't be dramatic I was not going to ge-"

"Cas, that shifter was gon-"

"Dean, may I remind you that I am an angel. I was not go-"

"Oh you're an angel? Wow, not like that hasn't stopped anything from almost killing you befo-"

"Dean, the shifter is dead. I'm perfectly fine, I had it handle-"

"Yeah, having an angel blade almost shoved into your throat is handled" Dean grumbled.

Cas finally stopped walking. They somehow ended up by the stairs.

Dean stood, arms across his chest, as anger rolled off him in waves. While he waited for Cas' inevitable sarcastic retort, his gaze traveled to the overhead lights, watching them flicker.

Great it's probably the entire grid, not just one bulb. Crappy old wiring. Well, it could be worse, at least it can't be a ghost, now way ones getting in here anyway.

With a huff he fixed his eyes back on Cas. And something twisted low in Dean's stomach when Cas sighed, clearly exasperated.

The sound ignited the flames within him once more.

Does Cas even understand? Does he even realize? Does he even ca-

"Dean-" Cas began, through clenched teeth.

The flames burned, spreading like wildfire. Dean saw red.

And Dean was off, pacing wildly, voice rising.

"Ya know what? Angel or no angel it, doesn't matter Cas. The move you pulled was completely stupid. I told you to wait for me, and you didn't listen. No, you went in with some half cocked plan and the thing jumped you an-"

"Dean, I was perfectly fine. They surprised me, but I-"Cas attempted to cut him off, but he wasn't having it.

"We had a plan and you didn't stick to it. It would have worked i-"

"Dean, the things we do, rarely go according to plan. And we both know it wouldn't have worked, we were running out of time an-"

Dean groaned, angrily pulling at his hair. His heart racing in his chest.

Neither of them took notice of the lights above them as their anger bubbled over.

"Then we come up with a new plan, you don't run in there with some half assed idea. But no, you had to be reckless and stupid and risk y-" Dean yelled.

At that Cas spun around, fists clenched at his sides.

"Dean I was perfectly safe, yes it caught me momentarily off guard, yes I could have waited, but we we running out of time. It was the only option and I-"

"Cas you just can't risk yourself just because you thought it was the only optio-"

"Dean that's what we always do" Cas accused taking a step forward.

Dean's heart pounded against his chest.

"That move was stupid, even for u-"

"We've been in far more dire situations. We've all made dangerous choices, fleeting decisions in order to save people" Cas continued, voice rising as he inched closer.

Dean suddenly found it difficult to breathe, mind racing as his anger buzzed through him.

"Yeah that's the job Cas, but you just don't go sacrificing yourself for gods sake" Dean yelled matching his volume as the lights flashed undetected.

In the pause, Dean thought he might have heard a distant sound, but Cas let out a bitter laugh, recapturing his attention.

"Oh you're one to talk. More often than not, a hunt comes down to making a risky choice. More often than not, it's about putting yourself in harms wa-" Cas was closing in now, blue eyes pinning Dean in place.

Dean drowning in pure desperation and rage, trying to get Cas to hear him. They blinded him to reality, his mind only telling him to scream back at Cas, offering no further instruction. Logic had been thrown out the window.

"What, now you're using our bad decisions to justify acting like a dumbass? What good did all that shit do u-"

"Dean, if I hadn't done it, I'm quite sure you would have made the same move a second late-".

"Like hell I woul-"Dean shouted, echoing off the walls as his hands began to shake.

"We both know you would have. You taught me to get the job done, find a different way, no matter the cost, we always find a way. That's exactly what I did, what I've always done, what we've always done. So Dean, I don't understand why this time is any diffe-"

"Because I can’t lose you again!" Dean screamed, voice breaking.

And with a bang the room went black.

They stilled, eyes meeting in the dark. Sparks floated down from the bulbs above, serving as the only light.

Dean quickly tried to regain a sense of his surroundings, going numb when he realized he heard cry-Jack.

The sound he hea-

Guilt like Dean has never felt before quickly overtook him, as he sprinted down the steps into the war room, heart pounding. They followed the sound in the dark.

The kid was crying, and they were both too wrapped up in their stupid fucking fight to even hear.

The backup generators kicked on as he reached the the pack n play, Cas beating him with his angel "night vision. "

Cas hurriedly scooped up Jack, who quickly stopped crying upon seeing their faces.

"Da! Dee!" Jack bounced in Cas' arms, his tear stained cheeks being the only indicator he was just wailing his head off. Then he was babbling away, smile on his face, as Cas pressed his palm to his forehead, checking if something was wrong. Dean hovered close, trying to look for any physical issues, when Cas sighed in relief dropping his hand.

But, upon seeing his kid safe, Dean's mind clicked back into action.

Jack crying alon-Sam-where's Sam-the lights-why di-

"-wow Jack great job stopping their little domestic display" Sam laughed as he emerged from the kitchen.

Okay what the hell is going on.

"Wha-"

"Jack blew the lights. When his emotions become unstable, his powers begin to tap into other power sources. Hence the lights bursting. That's what we learned this weekend, right bud? Already happened twice so far, oh, we need a new microwave by the way" Sam shrugged nonchalantly as he smoothed Jack's hair.

"You left Ja-"

"Wait, you were in the kitchen, you left Jack alone in here, heard him crying and you didn't go ge-"

Cas started, only to be cut off by Dean's panic.

"Okay okay mister moms, first of all, I was two feet away in the kitchen. I did run in here to get Jack, but I saw you two in here having it out, and didn't want to interrupt. So I figured one of you would grab him, or Jack would shut you guys up on his own. I guess you weren't giving him the attention he expected when he spotted you two, so Jack took matters into his own hands" Sam laughed with a shrug.

Dean's head was spinning. But he knew Jack was safe, had another angel power thing to deal with, but safe. And Sam was safe, a pain in the ass, but safe. And Ca-

His eyes slowly trailed over to him, watching realization dawn on his face, remembering that they were just in the middle of a fight.

Their was a shift in the room, and Dean's stomach twisted as he realized what he had said, what he scr-

"-aaaaaaand I think that's our cue bud. So you guys finish your fight, then Dean can fix the lights of course, and then you can see your kid" Sam smiled as he quickly plucked Jack from Cas' arms, ignoring his protests.

Dean watched them disappear down the hall, as the flames died, taking the fight in him, with them. He slumped in on himself, finally giving in to his exhaustion. All that remained was fear, which quickly let consume him.

They stood in silence for a moment, setting Dean's mind in motion again.

God what the hell was he doing? Why did he have to get so damn angry, why can't he just ta-

"Dean I-"Cas whispered

He dared a glance at Cas who was studying him, eyes full of remorse. But whatever look was on Dean's face, immediately shut him up.

Fuck

Dean tried to gain control of his ragged breathing, searching for the words.

He took a shuttering breath.

"Cas, listen I- I just got you back. And of course losing you wa-was always hard, but last time...."Dean trailed off, voice raw.

Dean's mind flew back to the flames, he could feel the sting of the cold night air, smell the smoke, hear Jack wailing against his chest.

"I-I can't go through that again Cas. And now there's Jack too, and I-it was jus-it'll kil-I can't handle it, not again. Please, I can't plea-" Dean pleaded desperately.

And then suddenly Cas' arms wrapped around him, forehead pressed against it shoulder as Cas supported his dead weight.

Dean gripped at Cas' jacket as a sob racked through him. And Cas just squeezed him tightly, murmuring something Dean couldn't make out.

It was as if everything came crashing down at once. The three months he spend refusing to process Cas' death, the terror of raising Jack, the joy and confusion of Cas coming back, the fear and fragility of their new....well Dean didn't even really know what they were. But he knew he loved it, wanted it. All of it, the past nine months bearing down all at once.

He can't will it away. He can't force it back down and burry it deep within his stomach. He can't stop it. Can't control it.

Dean had finally broke.

Another sob forced it's way past his lips, and Cas squeezed him tighter, resting his chin on Dean's head.

God how completely pathetic he must look right now.

He's this messed up over some dumb routine hunt? Cas was right, they had obviously dealt with far worse, this hunt was nothing. And between the two of them they had each made more dangerous choices, than the one Cas made last night.

But when he saw Cas laying on that floor-

He can't lose him. He can't. Not now. Not after everything.

With a sniff, Dean forced himself to pull back, but Cas kept his hands on Dean's shoulder's holding him up just in case.

Dean pointedly kept his eyes trained on the floor, mind racing.

God he was pathetic.

Cas deserves better than this. Better than him.

He doesn't deserve to deal with Dean and all of his shit, he shouldn't have to. He and Jack both do. They deserve to have a home, and someone they can rely on, someone who can keep their crap together when it counts. Not someone who will fall apart and sob on their friggin shoulder.

Cas deserves someone better, some less broken.

Because Dean is broken, and he can't be fixed. He's just beyond repair an-

"-Dean" Cas' voice cuts through his thoughts.

Cas gently, tilted Dean's chin up, forcing him to look at him.

Dean sees nothing but guilt and sorrow swimming behind those wide blue eyes, and his heart clenches at the sight.

This is all Dean's fault if he hadn-

"Dean, I'm sorry. You're right, I don't know what I was thinking, it was a reckless move. I could have waited, we could have come up with something el-" Cas began softly.

And that seemed to snap Dean back to reality.

"Cas no-you did-you didn't do anything we normally wouldn't do-"Dean began finding his voice.

Cas shook his head, frown deepening and Dean's heart squeezed again.

Great now Cas is blaming himself for the entire thing, another thing Dean's fucked up.

"Cas look, I freaked out okay. It was a stupid move, I ain't denying that, but it wasn't like it was out of the ordinary-" Dean paused taking a shaky breath.

"But as soon as I-when I saw that bloo-you're blood. And that damn thing was hovering over you with the blad-and they had it in your-I thought I was too late, and that you wer-"Dean stops, words catching in his throat.

He feels the tears begin to prick in his eyes again, and Cas quickly swiped them away with his thumb.

Dean swallowed the lump in his throat, letting out a bitter laugh

"I'm sorry, crying over so damn hunt. God I'm pathetic, yo-.Cas, you deserve better than this. I'm just some broken nobody wh-"

Cas' breath hitched and an unreadable expression crossed his face.

Something new dropped deep in the pit of Dean's stomach.

Dean was right. Cas doesn't want him anymore, not after he lost it over some stupid hunt-oh who is he kidding. This isn't about the hunt, this is about Dean. About now that Cas has truly seen how fucked up, how much of a burden, how pathetic he is, he doesn't want him anymo-

Cas gently cupped the sides of Dean's face, forcing him to meet his gaze again.

"Dean, you are allowed to feel, allowed to get angry and scream. And you're allowed to reach your breaking point, and you're allowed to cry and want and need. These things do not make you pathetic, they make you human, they make you, you".

Dean's heart pounds in his chest, while he tries to look anywhere but Cas' eyes. It's too much, he doesn't des-

"So do not ever think for a second that I deserve better than you, because I believe I'm the one who is undeserving. You're a man who does everything out of love, who taught me how to love. And you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders out of the stubbornness and love within your heart. Which only makes you even more worthy of receiving love."

Dean felt his breath stall in his lungs,

"And I'm sorry if I haven't been clear this past month, but I love you Dean. I want you, you are all I have wanted for years. And I want this, here, with you and Jack, for as long as you'll have me. And I want all of you, everything, that makes you who you are. Because you are not some perfect machine in need of repairs, you are not broken Dean Winchester" Cas finished softly as tears rolled down his cheeks.

The fear raging within him had stilled, was replaced by a sense of love he had never felt before, which seemed to be the norm when it came to loving Cas. He always found new ways to make Dean's brain short circuit and this was no exception.

Cas wants-

Dean felt the air leave his lungs as he was struck with a realization, Cas' words sinking in.

Cas loved Dean, and he wanted to be with Dean, for as long as he'll have him. For forever, mayb-but one step at a time.

So slowly, with trembling fingers, he wiped away Cas' tears.

And as he looked into those familiar blue eyes, he made a choice. Because this was Cas. And he deserved more. So Dean was going to give him more.

So he takes a deep breath.

"Cas, I-I'm not the best at this kinda stuff, but I'm gonna try okay? Because you deserve to hear it. Because you deserve everything, love and happiness-whatever the hell you want. And if what you actually want is me, then you have me. Because you're the best damn thing that's ever happened to me, and I just can't believe that you want-but I-I want to believ-I want to believe that those things you said about me are true, that I'm worthy of love and deserve to want and all that. Because I love you, and I want to be with you as long as you'll have me. So if what you sai-what you see in me, is true. Then we would both get what we want, and I think after everything, we deserve it" Dean finished, voice shaking.

And the next thing Dean knew, Cas' lips were on his, hands cupping his face. Dean quickly wrapped his arms around his waist, deepening the kiss, as they exchanged whispered I love you's.

Eventually they pulled back foreheads resting together, breathing ragged. Then Cas caught his eyes, giving him a soft smile. A smile that said I'm sorry and I'm proud of you, that expressed everything Dean needed to hear, that Cas understood. Dean found himself easily grinning in return.

And a small flicker of hope, for Dean, for them, for what their life could be, ignited in his chest. They could have this, like really have this.

Of course a single conversation doesn't fix a lifetime of self-doubt and anxiety, that exists between the two of them. But it's a start.

So Dean pulls back, keeping his arms tight around Cas' waist.

"Well I'm glad we got that sorted out. But if you ever pull that self sacrificing bullshit again, I swear to god I'll kick your ass so hard it'll blast you back to the beginning of time, capiche?"

A smirk spreads across Cas' face, amusement dancing behind those blue eyes.

"Yes. I capiche"

And Dean barks out a laugh, shoving Cas' head away affectionately.

"You're a pain in the ass, you know that?"

"Yes, but I'm your pain in the ass" Cas smirks, pinching Dean's ass, for effect.

And Dean definitely doesn't squeak in surprise, and cause Cas to laugh. But Dean does shut him up with another kiss.

God he's gonna be the death of him, but the thought only makes Dean's heart swell.

"C'mon dumbass, lets go find our kid" Dean says with a fond eye roll.

"But what about the lig-"

"Fuck the lights, if Sam thought Jack bursting them up was so funny, then he can fix them. Now, let's go see if we can get Jack to laugh so hard, that he blows up Sam's blender"

"Oh, and here I thought I was the dumbass"

Another laugh rips through him as grabs his hand, tugging Cas down the hall.

And when Cas squeezes his hand back, a warmth washes over him.

Yeah, they were going to be just fine.

Tag list:

@wormstacheangel @smiledean @shelikestv @chaoticdean @midnightwings-deancas @jellydeans @sunshine-jack @archervale @wikiangela @organicpurplepants

@bbcalamity @tkdwolf2012 @doemons-blog @rolling-stoned-girl @skylerkernaghan @shadowywerewolfqueen @the-cookie-navy @martymar1963 @thelahatiel @thefantasyfiend @castielle-deanna @aestheticflyer26

@multi-fandom-imagine @x-mypeopleskillsarerusty-x @wellofwoes @becky-srs @multi-fandom-dark-lord @perfectkoaladream @castiel-for-lunch @it--hurts--to--become @bowtiesandneckerchiefs @dakiaty @feraldean @teamfreebees @keshetcas @hrh-princess-bea @scarecrowmax

(As always please let me know if you would like to be added or removed!!!💛)

#so i rewrote this like 5 times and idk if im happy with it but this is it #this is a jourey and i hope its not too disconnected it gets a little cracky for like .1 second i dont even know #this is also so long i literally dont know what the hell happened #i wanted then to use their words for once and idk this turned into like 90% dialogue which i never write #but hey look sam! #so um...enjoy them using their words #dean winchester #castiel #baby!jack #jack kline #destiel #bec writes #destiel fic #baby jack truthing #season 13 #deancas #casdean #destiel fanfic