#tobermory the cavoodle | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

not-poignant · 4 months

Text

Paying the puppy tax, this is why I've been so much slower getting a chapter of Palmarosa up!

And it's also the reason I'm taking the first two weeks of January off from posting!

I've posted about this in a response to an ask, but for those who don't read the asks, this is Tobermory (or Toby as we call him). He's a Cavalier x Poodle, an absolute muppet, and he's not yet 9 weeks old. He loves water, food, the crate (thank god - it doesn't hurt that treats magically rain down from the ceiling every few hours) and being disgustingly cute.

(The photos of him wet was the day - yesterday - we all discovered that actually he really loves water while I was watering the garden - and then we discovered he also doesn't mind being toweled down and immediately brushed because he just flopped exhaustedly on top of us.)

But y'all, I am fucked in terms of energy levels. Even when I can catch some hours to write at the moment, I'm often too tired to do so! I did manage to finish editing Palmarosa today so fingers crossed an update tomorrow night!!!

#tobermory the cavoodle #he's like 75% poodle and 25% cavalier #but his coat indicates he might have more of the cavalier coat coming through #anyway i'm using my rescue inhaler a bit #personal #he's sleeping behind me in the crate right now

100 notes · View notes

not-poignant · 4 months

Note

Pia I’ve been watching that video of Toby on your stories non stop. He’s just a little guy!

He's just a lil guy!!!

This is the video for anyone curious!! It was the first time he'd discovered how much fun it was to run under the hose while I was watering the garden, and then it was the first time he discovered how much fun it was to roll around in the grass.

He got a big towel-down and brush after this.

#tobermory the cavoodle #yes that's my voice though i normally speak in a lower register #that's puppy voice sdlkfsdja #enjoy my ace pride shoelaces #toby wants to lmao

38 notes · View notes

not-poignant · 3 months

Note

Hi Pia! You said that you need another vacation after this vacation, so I am not sure, how puppy situation, even if it partual custudy, affecting you ( may be you in panic when he is there and then recovering when he is not, and then round and round? ), but really, If you need another vacation, I hope you know we will be here to support you for it!

It's been nearly 4 weeks now since we got Toby so I feel like I can talk about this with a bit of a clear head.

(Talk of like an actual PTSD meltdown beneath the read-more, including self-harm mention - nothing graphic. There's zero obligation for anyone to read this, especially for folks who don't think authors should ever be honest about being people with issues):

So, I've been kind of quiet about aspects of this, but I have like severe treatment-resistant PTSD and C-PTSD, and puppies specifically are one of my triggers (especially if I'm responsible for them). The reason for that is kind of awful, and I don't really want to talk about some of the things I've experienced/been through that led to that, so let's just move onto the next part. You're kind of right anon, there has been panic while he is here lol.

As a result, I had a severe meltdown the first time I tried to adopt a dog many years ago now. Could not last 24 hours, needed weeks/months to recover.

But I've always wanted to share my life with a dog and I've been in a somewhat better space over the past year or so, and I thought I could maybe handle it better. I told myself 'if I can just get through that 24 hours I'll realise it's okay and it will all work out.' Anon I cannot tell you where this thinking came from, but it was wrong. Idk why past me was kind of naive enough to think this way but here we are.

No, after that 24 hours, it got temporarily better, and then I slammed into consecutive meltdowns, each one worse than the next, until the people around me were afraid for my life. I am still recovering from some of the harm I inflicted on myself during the last three weeks and likely will be for some time to come. The combination of a really intense PTSD relapse, as well as not being able to handle (as an AuDHD person) intense changes to my schedule basically compounded and I broke.

I made the decision to rehome Toby, and first contacted the people around me. Glen's mum said she wanted a dog, and had been specifically looking into dogs like Toby anyway, and so we decided this would be best because then I could still be involved (I love Toby to pieces).

After getting some space, I finally started to adjust, and have gone back to having Toby about 4~ days a week, with a view to going to about 6 days, with one day spent with my mum, or Glen's mum.

Today is the first day I was able to handle having him on my own for around 9.5 hours. And I'm here and able to write about it, so that's progress. He'll be here all day Sunday, and then Tues-Weds-Thurs-Friday. And from there a decision will be made as to where I'm at with my mental health etc.

I'm a bit more hopeful now that I might be able to keep him, but my PTSD is still very very bad. I'm having some nights where I'm simply not sleeping until 7.30am (even if he's not here), and my hypervigilance is crazy. Like, I am having so many auditory flashbacks it's stupid. So this is why I've been saying this break hasn't been very restful or productive. Because my mental health tanked like I detonated a landmine inside myself.

I didn't actually plan the two week break for Toby! That was just a coincidence honestly.

Unfortunately I have a lot of health conditions that respond very poorly to stress, so I'm dealing with those now too. And then additionally, in all of this, I had a breast scan / mammogram / ultrasound that has confirmed a suspicious lump I found a couple of months ago (breast cancer runs in the family), and I suspect I'm going to need a biopsy. I'll find out on Monday if that's the case. That's been in the background and hasn't been helping.

There's some other stuff going on that's not really worth talking about because these are the main things, but that's a good picture I think. It turns out 'just getting through the first 24 hours' doesn't magically make a severe PTSD trigger go away. And that forced exposure is not 'exposure therapy' - that's just reinforcing a trigger.

Anyway! I feel like I'm through the worst of it, and I am seeing glimpses of how my life could be richer if I keep getting through this. But...that's why I think another break. *smiles tiredly.* I have to wait a bit now for the PTSD / C-PTSD symptoms to settle down, and I also need to see what's kind of worsened after this. Realistically, with a relapse to this degree, it could take between 3-6 months to really start recovering, or to at least get back to where I was before December.

I hope with all my heart I can get there with Toby by my side. I love him so much.

(I want to add that Toby has never ever been in a position of harm at any point, and in fact I probably put myself in harm's way for his sake, because I wanted to provide solid continuity of care - in case anyone was worried about that).

Er so yeah! But I've picked up my writing again this week and have been able to do some like...things I'd been neglecting, and I feel more human again, I just hope I get some sleep tonight

#asks and answers #personal #tobermory the cavoodle #that's also why i haven't always consistently been sharing photos #realistically he's spent about 4 days away from us?#and that alone has been enough to kind of help me sort my head out #when i realised it was PTSD that helped too #because i've been able to spot the severe hypervigilance for what it is #and sometimes just being able to name a thing helps #and finally intensive training with toby #has adjusted some of his behaviours very quickly #and he is now a very calm and well-behaved dog already #we just need to do more separation training and then i think i will finally start #settling a bit more #our vet's super happy with where he's at #but...um...you know it's never nice to make your mum cry #because she's scared for you :(#administrator gwyn wants this in the queue

39 notes · View notes

not-poignant · 3 months

Note

Puppy preschool 😭 That’s adorable! I hope it’s been going well

Hi hi!

It has and it hasn't? (We've just come back so it's kind of all fresh in my mind all over again). Toby shows zero interest in other dogs and we're sort of hitting the 'we actually just might stop going' now that we have just two classes left. The first three classes went okay, but this last one had some things that made me (and Toby) uncomfortable, and I don't want him to learn to be scared of other dogs.

He's learned to focus on us while other dogs are around though, and he's definitely interested in meeting other owners, he's just got like no interest at all in the dogs, despite many gentle attempts to get him to even say hello etc. He'll kind of do it and then be like :/ 'do I have to keep doing this' lol.

So yeah, just one of those things, I think! :D

It sounds really adorable but the reality at the moment is a big warehouse area with concrete floors and like some small puppies but also very big puppies who bark nonstop and are very hyper/overstimulated and while they're kept separate it's kind of a loud, echoing, overwhelming environment even for me!

We might look around for another environment where he can meet dogs instead. This place might just not be very Toby suitable :)

#asks and answers #personal #tobermory the cavoodle #i want to say that it's really cute and sweet but there's like this reality where #two types of people go to puppy preschool #people who go because they want to raise a good dog and have done lots of research #and people who rescue an absolutely NUTS large dog puppy and realise they're *way* in over their heads #and are told by a vet or someone else they have to go to puppy preschool lmao #to try and get a handle on a lot of already present behavioural issues #so far there seems to be no in between #administrator gwyn wants this in the queue

11 notes · View notes

not-poignant · 3 months

Note

I’m sorry to hear about the stress you’ve experience with your new pet. Obviously, your trauma is the main factor, but I work in rescue, and wondered if you’ve ever heard about post-puppy depression? It’s Google-able and more common than people think. There’s no shame in making decisions that are best for you and your dog, whether it’s keeping or rehoming (which you probably know already). All the best! No shame from a puppy professional!

Hi anon!

I did look into post-puppy depression/puppy blues, but my therapist/s and I know that this is like... /thinks/ I don't really know how to put it, but I would say much more severe overall because of all my pre-existing stuff.

But I appreciate your post!

We're still hoping not to rehome, and the days are kind of getting more bearable, but I need to know I can return to my old quality of life (which frankly was actually terrible) before we know either way. It's been a journey!

But yeah post-puppy depression is absolutely a real thing. It's been pretty eye-opening tbh, I mean I knew I had my triggers and stuff, but just like as an autistic person, the disruption to my routine has been pretty devastating. (It's also like - I knew I could never have children, now I know I can never have children, like, zero possibility, never happening).

#asks and answers #personal #tobermory the cavoodle #i've actually just come back from being outside with Maybe and Toby #because they need a lot of like habituation to each other still due to Maybe's incredibly high prey drive #so it's a lot of mutually giving them treats when they're calm and quiet around each other #and seeing how close they can get #and then getting Toby to disengage #thankfully he *is* very calm around her #Maybe is the issue with those two lol #administrator gwyn wants this in the queue

18 notes · View notes