#trying not to cry about covid

[thegeekyartist]

...

#trying not to cry about covid #failing #im vaxxed im boosted i wear my mask #but NO ONE ELSE where i live does #i got covid last july despite everything #and my sinuses have been a mess since #like rn im laying on my back on the couch and theres this pressure right between my eyes #i constantly feel like I'm not getting a full breath bc of it #and apparently its mutated again and has the potential to start spreading even more #and i just... #im so tired #im so angry #im so fucking exhausted #but i have to go to work and i have to go to the grocery store and i gave have to keep teaching to survive #so like fuck me i guess #fuck the people way worse off than me #fuck my high risk best friend that just had a baby #i wish i could say i had hope for the future #but it dwindles every day #personal #tw covid

[raksh-writes]

Having a casual breakdown, cause I just found out I might've somehow broken my toe in my left foot just as Ive barely started uni again and need to go to classes. Like.

Is this some kinda cosmic joke? Cause its not funny...

#personal #vent #rant #i haven’t really done anything that couldve broken it tbh #but it Has hurt the whole day yesterday and got swollen #and my doc said it looks like it might be broken the way its like sticking out to the side #so thats fun #when I have to go to and from classes on foot 15 min one way #and the soonest I can Maybe get it checked out with like na xray or smth is tuesday next week #I could maybe try tomorrow but I Need to go to classes #I was already absent last week cause of my lovely migraine and sinuses issues #which might actually be covid #I need to do the test I bought today to check that #Im... Im just so tired of this already #I was happy and excited about going back to uni #and so far with barely two weeks of classes behind me theres only been health issue after health issue #Im gonna go cry some more #maybe that'll help #and then I dont know #grit my teeth and survive I guess

[big-tees-and-short-skirts]

ah, so the misophonia is part of the sensory processing disorder + etc. of course.

#misophonia #okay now that im where im coming from here: #does anyone else get Murderous when they hear lawnmowers/leafblowers/etc #like instant anger. not minor annoyance but This is about to Ruin the next few hours for me #like if someone was trying to get me to join the dark side or whatever but i was in firm disagreement until That Motor revs up #i want to enjoy the sounds of spring and summer but instead its fuck BRBRBRBRBRBRBRRBRRRBRBRBRBRBRRBRBRBRBRRRR #ALL THE DAMN DAY #its fucking night time rn; #its fucking RAINING #and i have a neighbor whos mowing her lawn #shes about ot get evicted out of this house w this giant ass lawn that only she lives in but shes MOWING HER FUCKING LAWN USING OUR POWER #i want all mowers and leaf blowers to explode forever #SHES FUCKING SITTING STILL ON HER PHONE RUNNING THE WORLDS LOUDEST SINGLE PASSENGER VEHICLE #AND I CANT FUCKING TELL HER TO HAVE A LICK OF SELF AWARENESS BC I HAVE FUCKING COVID SO I CANT LEAVE MY ROOM OR CLOSE MY WINDOWS #i swear to fucking god pls get me out of hereeeeeeee #my ears hurt so bad rn i wanna cry #thats all its been for htese days of isolation: mower after mower after mower after mower #i just wanna hear the wind! or the rain! or the birds! or the frogs! OR NOTHING!!!! #i cant fucking sleep thru it either ;;;;;;;;;;;;; #and whenever i describe this frustration no one in my family really sympathizes #they ask if ive tried my headphones which is would be helpful if i hadnt tried and failed w that for years #they just shrug and say 'well it has to be done' BUT WHY DO PPL 'NEED' TO MOW THEIR LAWNS EVERY FUCKING DAY #okay shes done now. at 9 fucking pm. ill be done now

[howldean]

yeah i think the thing where i haven’t seen any of my friends in a month and a fucking half is starting to get to me all things considered

#like. don’t regret it! kept me safe and some folks i know who i probably would have hung out with got covid #and i stayed safe #but also lmaooooo i just started crying in front of my mother for no reason #and she’s like !! what’s wrong !! and i’m like lol well i’m trying to book a flight !! and being a baby about it

[gibbearish]

the thing with autism right. is i know if i was having a full mental health crisis what i would end up doing is going to the emergency room and being like "hello, my name is (x) birthday (y), um i was hoping to talk to you about potential mental health inpatient care? i'm currently having a mental health crisis and don't think i can be trusted on my own" like if there's one thing i can be sure will live on in me no matter how hard the brainworms try. is my fucking customer service voice

#like itll be busted as fuck because ill be freaking out but you bet ill be sobbing my way through verbally drafting an email #ive done it before‚ like im a frustrated crier and once i start crying i cant turn it off so ive had a couple times where i had a breakdown #at work‚ cried about it a lot‚ and my lead pulled me into a meeting room after i calmed down to check in #and as soon as i started talking it just started again so i had to be like 'sorry th-this is just something m-m-my bod-dy does‚ i-i'm calm #m-mentally but i just c-cant turn this-is off‚ just try to i-ignore HIC it and f-f-focus-s on the w-wwwords‚ #(tired of crytyping so just mentally fill it in yourself in everything else i say) #n they offered me more time to chill but im like no really i genuinely am calm‚ i calm down wayyy before my body does its gonna #keep doing this on and off all day‚ it takes hours for it to fully calm down and is on a hair trigger the entire time #so thinking about this will make it kick back up again no matter what unless we talk tomorrow‚ so if youre ok with bearing with me then cool #and theyre like. dang ok and just focused on what i said #or much more recently i was talking to my roommate‚ stopped‚ held up a finger + stood there silently for ten seconds‚ #then was like 'sorry about that‚ i think i have to throw up. excuse me for a moment. what was that? oh gotcha yeah i'll message you if i #need anything‚ thank you' #and just typing it out like that it sounds like i was fine and just saw it coming a ways away. however that is not the case #i had had my covid booster and some other vaccine earlier that day‚ lost 5 vials of blood‚ eaten Nothing‚ drank only #acidic-ass apple juice‚ and had just hit my vape too hard #keeping it in once it made its presence known was a feat of will the likes of which have never been seen before #and still my sentences prevail

[apathyfairy]

some days you really just want to scream why is this so hard!!!!!! why is life so hard for me!!!!!!!!!!!!

#maybe it's bc i just started my period or maybe it's bc im on the verge of my next breakdown but im struggling!!!!!!!!!! #yesterday i realized it's been exactly 2 years since i moved into this living situation im still stuck in and it just hit me #as i was trying to fall asleep that like ok i just lost 2 more years of my life!! i accomplished absolutely nothing and #just ran in fucking circles going nowhere and literally have done Nothing #and not to make excuses but im only now realizing how badly covid fucked me like not covid covid but covid time #as in like jobs and having any sort of future like that was Exactly the time after i graduated that i needed to be doing shit and i couldnt #and yeah i know there are sooooo many people in similar situations bc of covid but god i just feel like such a failure which i am #but i just feel so helpless like i honestly do not know how to move forward #or what i even want out of life anymore if anything at all and yes ok so period plus 2 year anniversary plus my birthday next week so im #extremely on the edge rn #and anyway last night i was crying bc of the 2 year thing then u know how when u sometimes start crying about one thing #u start crying about just everything wrong in your life so yeah i did that and then suddenly it was about still living here #and still living in this state and still living with mentally abusive relatives and how much of a failure i am at my age and how my birthda #will make me feel like shit and how much i miss my dogs and how much i worry about my cat and how i cant ever lose her ever no matter what #like i simply will not go through another pet death i just wont. and then all roads lead to my biggest mistake and regret so my ex then #all that and how i literally cant change any of those things at all and how much i feel like a prisoner and i cant escape and anyway. #im just not doing well lately lmao

[kabutone]

people are so shocked when they learn about the absolute depravity of the world thats right in front of them. not that its Good to be desensitized to horrific shit but like i am not surprised. every new bad news thing that comes out i am not surprised. yes, they will ignore death. they will let you die without a second thought. i'm sorry you are only just now learning this.

#like yes things are horrible right now and i get it #but ive seen two posts that are like how can people ignore this!!!!! #thats all the gov does. ignore shit and make problems worse #they do not fucking care who dies. UNLESS your death brings them money. then they actively encourage it. #like. did you know we did in fact have “the tools” to stop covid from becoming a pandemic? #did you know that we could have ended the pandemic fairly quickly too? #we didn't use them. they sent everyone “back to normal” so you can all die for capitalism. #unless you have kept up REALLY WELL chances are you have no fucking idea how high the covid death toll is. its higher than what's reported #the public has been being fed to the fucking wolves for years now. before covid too but for the entire pandemic especially #we have been left behind!!!! im sorry you only see that now and its a harsh reality to wake up to #like absolutely continue to call your senators and reps and whatever. like thats still a completely viable option #continue to educate yourself and talk about issues and keep it in discussion #but like. idk. its heartbreaking i get it. #especially to see people incredulously cry and wonder “how could our leaders see this suffering and ignore it?” #people have been left to “fall to the wayside” for years now and its just that now you see it #i understand the betrayal of “i thought those in office were there to PROTECT us and i thought they cared!” #anyway. idk i don't want to say things are futile . like keep trying cause thats all we Can do

[healingheartdogs]

I'll tell ya what though, nothing makes you want to get out of dog stuff for a while quite like your childhood dog passing traumatically in your arms

#ive barely been a person since Banana died #his life and his death both haunt me daily #every time im in bed cuddling with Hermes i cry about it #wanting to do better for your current and future pets does jack all for the dead #i wanted to at least give him a good last day but i couldnt even do that #training with Hermes and Eevee fills me with grief and guilt and often launches me into flashbacks of his death #ive been so burned out and sick since we moved and covid ruined my health even more #and now trying to get better and get back into working with my dogs regularly without him... it feels wrong #better late than never doesnt apply when death is involved #death #animal death #tw death #tw animal death #early morning sad hours ig #i gave myself flashbacks again and this is me trying to intellectualize my way out of my emotional response

[risingsunresistance]

idea in my head: i would love to animate what the little buddies would do while you get a combo, even if it's just like 5 frame "animation" bc i'm not good at animating

problem: how do i. draw out and animate a combo. like the actual puzzle game part, how would i even start to do that. do i just leave it up to the imagination

#i have a few in mind aaaaaaaaaa i wanna draw the little pig spinning around #i know this makes sense to none of you but i wanna talk about it #I HAVE AN OLD DRAWING OF DEO AS THIANA THAT HAS BEEN LAYING AROUND FOR *YEARS* NOW KJFHDJG #THIS IS AN IDEA I'VE HAD FOR A VERY LONG TIME BC THIS IS MY FAVORITE GAME #a distant dream of mine would be to actually retexture the game and make it playable i would kill to see that happen #but im ***so bad*** at sprite art. i draw in pixel art sometimes but i mean like. 32*16 sprite art HOW DO YOU DRAW THAT SMALL #augh i tried to make one a very long time ago for a long-dead video game au and the creator of the au liked it but. i did not. #maybe if i try again i could do a bit better today #if i retextured even one stage i would actually cry like could you imagine if that worked #i dont even know how to access that info in my roms but clearly someone knows how #bc i have an english version of the japanese game #ALSO COOL THING IF YOU'VE READ THIS FAR I ACTUALLY HAVE THAT ENGLISH/JAPANESE ROM ON A CARTRIDGE :D (it's for the snes) #the cartridge is 3d printed and red it is SOOOOO cool. got it shipped to me for $13 and it is my prized possession that's my babygirl kjfhd #i get to use my super busted up held-together-by-electric-tape controller on it yippee wahoo i like the computer roms but #i like the feedback of the real snes controllers. i have a few usb ones but it's not the same #i thought about replacing the buttons with my (second) real snes controller buttons #but. then i lost my screwdriver set when i moved back home for The Covid Year. so :/ #wow that was an essay. i really needed to talk about something that wasnt strictly mcyt fkjdhg i needed a good soul cleanse i think #chat

[hobisexually]

x

#hi I am back with a long tag post about how I can’t keep up with life #very boring 30 year old stuff that I am struggling with very much and isn’t interesting to anyone #but I just put on my hobi playlist to feel better and instead sobbed so hard to just dance (which is a very happy song I don’t even enjoy) #that my pillow is soaked through so obviously sleep isn’t gonna happen until I get this out somewhere #so first. get this. one of my best and longest friends gets engaged and lets 1.5 months go by before she bothers to tell me #in front of four other friends who are decidedly less close to her but we all found out simultaneously. #Bad enough. you get confronted with the fleetingness of life and friendships and how everything changes even when you don’t want it to. #then. you talk it out. another friend’s dad just died. another one just bought a house and is moving away #engaged friend comes by again? And suddenly says she’s gonna get try to pregnant within the remainder of the year #and suddenly I’m hit with the fact that our friendship will never be TBE same and the life I thought we would live together is just not #gonna line up? We’re not gonna hit the clubs we’re not gonna go on adventures we’re not gonna paint the town red now that I’m a little bit #more chill re: covid. All of that? Gone. i thought I could make up for all of it but all my friends are in stages I’m not in #and with kids neber will be in? i won’t have a kid. i knew this but I didn’t /know/ this I won’t be able to follow #I’ll be aunt amber and I’ll love all their kids to the moon and back but I won’t follow. i know I don’t want kids #but I don’t think I thought about it before. what that would mean in relation to others #and I also just pictured myself with my own baby and though I don’t want it I never envisioned it and now I can’t stop crying #over the fact that I won’t have a baby. And it’s by choice yes but it doesn’t make it easy???????? #I’m suddenly saying goodbye to a life I’m closing the door on and that’s. terrifying #and I’m so. so scared I’ll end up all alone and never find love or fulfilment #30 is great in terms of feeling calmer and knowing what you want bht this whole ………. this whole thing? #i HATE it I HATE it I can’t stop crying and I’m panicking I HATE IT #FUCK. CHANGE TRULY FUCK IT ALL #and FUCK everything the last two years have taken away from me and how low I was because of it and how hard my friendships got because of it #can I STOP crying now that would be GREAT

[dordey]

,

#spent the past hour trying to sleep & tantrum crying bc i can't & tbh #covid didn't make me feel this awful #& the vax / booster never made my arm this sore & tingly & impossible to sleep from for this long #about to go snooping for some panadol i can't do this anymore #*

[glittertimes]

Okay besties I know I have a realization every few months that I am indeed depressed loll but I am depressed 😔

#I miss my old school and my friends and living on my own 😔 #I’ve been going to the doctor a lot bc I’ve been dizzy and having POTS / long Covid symptoms #and I had a breakdown and went non verbal and started crying at one doctor #and then almost cried at another doctor’s office #my emotions get worse during my period which is when I have the realizations #about how much emotional pain my lil body is in 😔 #my doctor gave me the number to call so I can go back to therapy so I might do that today #it’s just such a long process and last time my dad got mad at me for trying to get into therapy so that really discouraged me #personal

[polygondotcomvideoproducer]

Me, 1 week ago, perpetually numb: Man this sucks, I miss experiencing strong emotions

Me, now, properly angry for the first time in god knows how long: Man this sucks, I mi

#personal #a little under a month ago I had strong reason to believe that I'd gotten covid from my dad #so I did the responsible thing and isolated and it sucked #but I didn't give it to my roommate before he left to visit his family for the week so I was content that it had done some good #now he's back and he's ill and he's given it to me #didn't isolate in his room didn't give me the same courtesy I'd given him #and yeah I know he didn't mean it but I'd be lying if I said it doesn't bother me #and the symptoms are even stronger than the ones I had. still didn't occur to him to keep his distance I guess #feels a lot more likely that this is covid than the illness I already had #and I don't know what exactly it is about the situation but honestly just thinking about having to quarantine again has me really upset #which is jarring bc recently I've been thinking about how long it's been since I've felt any kind of emotional extreme #now I'm out here trying not to cry over something I've theoretically done before #it's just not been a great day and it's kicked my brain back into feelings mode ig #don't get me wrong I'd rather feel a lot than nothing at this point but like #good things? please? can I feel strong happy emotions too maybe? #I've taken a covid test if that comes back negative I sure hope I feel happy but at this point who knows

[arthur-r]

actual footage of the smallest dance imaginable. a hundred people bought tickets which is. not a lot for an entire seven cities worth of students in a school. and then there was maybe fifty people total in the building at the most filled up time cause so many people just used the tickets as donating to charity and didn’t even want to go

#was excited to come home and laugh at the dance and then it just got a little much toward the end #but i still think it was pretty funny. also there were so many songs that literally no one there knew?? #my friends begged the dj (social studies teacher) to skip songs no one was dancing to and they wouldn’t #the entire night was really funny before i started falling apart about everything it just became a little much #kind of this whole week combined. monday i tried to take the bus to school showed up ten minutes early waited half an hour it never showed #(first time trying to take the bus from the apartment. school said there’s a stop here but apparently no) #tuesday i tried to take the bus after school and it never stopped within a mile of the apartment. got dropped off at a trailer park #that was not mine. had to have my mom pick me up. and then go to work after like regular #then wednesday was a little bit normal i think. pretty much regular. but did have trouble getting home again!! just not as exciting #anyway then thursday was probably maybe normal?? except my sister came in to school to visit her old favorite teacher. who is my teacher #in economics. and knows me trans and i had to have a conversation with my sister. so maybe not that normal #and then on friday. my older sister had my key card and i couldn’t get into the apartment building. waited outside for my little sister for #twenty minutes in the cold and then we went in the lobby and had to wait for a stranger to get close enough to ask for help. bad experience #so anyway there’s been a lot leading up to today. and it makes sense that i fell apart eventually. but no longer crying so call that a win #hope you all are well. i’ll go to sleep eventually. just a lot to get off my chest. in conclusion wasn’t this dance stupid #we hadn’t had a charity gala since pre-covid so i think just nobody knew what it would be like. i’m the only grade who’s been before #if it wasn’t for the charity gala i wouldn’t know i was trans. somebody complimented my transition there and i was like sorry i can do that? #(had cut my hair short and was wearing a suit. considered myself a stag bisexual and hadn’t heard of transmasculinity /gen) #so i had maybe high expectations. anyway i’m probably running out of tags soon just. yeah. idk. today was a lot #friends only #delete later

[piplupod]

can't even like... comprehend that i have covid tbh. like it's just not sinking in. i know I'm really sick rn but i keep telling myself it's not that bad and I'm just being stupid abt it. but like... the positive was VERY clearly marked (the line was so bold on the test fjdksl) so I do have it. but ,,, idk i just can't process this. i dont want this and I am very afraid :')

#trying to not complain too much abt it bc other ppl have it much worse dbdjsl im not like. in the hospital or anything #but i am very afraid I'm going to have long covid symptoms and be even more disabled than i already am #idk. i just want to cry and be done w everything #i am also desperately trying to keep up w schoolwork but im falling pretty far behind and idk what to do about it #its getting very scary over here tbh fjdkls i am not doing well at all #pippen needs 2nd breakfast #covid tw

[pepprs]

i don’t know how to explain that since march 2020 with each new horrible thing happening in the world i shrink further and further into myself and away from connection and hope

#i told that friend i would call them today but then i woke up 6 minutes after roe v wade got overturned. and i can’t call that friend. i #can’t even tell them why. i can’t even talk to my family or even look at them. i can’t even stand on my feet for too long or get anything #done. i can’t reply to any texts or act on any urgent emails. i can’t draw or play piano or do anything to destract myself. all i can do is #scroll and read and be very very still and very very quiet. i don’t even have the energy to cry #in December and February and may i had spells lasting days at a time of being unable to function because such horrible things were happening #all at once and i just couldn’t process it anymore. and it’s gonna happen over and over again more and more frequently and there truly is #nothing i can do to stop it without getting the energy back but every time i think im almost there something happens and i crash back down #all over again. really and truly preparing to leave for brighton was the beginning of the end for me and i don’t know if i will ever get #back to how hopeful and connected and whatever i felt. and living in lockdown all over again doesn’t help but i don’t have the strength to c #change that either. im just tired and everyone is walking all around me right now as i type this and im bristling and want to scream #purrs #delete later #not that i was at all like entirely hopeful or whatever and certainly not that things were good pre covid. but something happened when covid #happened and ever since it’s been like. relentless misery. strings of sad days. no end in sight #i think the best and most helpful things i could do wrt this specific issue are a) open my home to people #seeking abortions who can’t get them in their state / provide travel / resources for them to come here (i can contribute to travel funds #financially but need to learn to drive and find a place to live before i can offer space and transportation resources) and b) keep talking a #about reproductive rights / trying to educate ppl who are skeptical etc etc as someone who would not exist without them. and also c) keep #trying to build collective power and learn to become a better community organizer and open people up to the possibilities that arise when we #recognize ourselves as co-creators of our future and understand that the future is not fixed (which i think aoc said or something and i watc #watched smth on that last night that i think she was part of and it was encouraging to me). so i will try to focus on those things. but this #just has my head spinning so badly. i feel so unmoored. and it’s my job to be a beacon of hope but i feel utterly hopeless