#ugh but seriously people will hate on these exact songs and be like. I don't like new fob. Without a hint of irony. Skdjsks

[chemicalbrew]

for the character thing u know i gotta ask zero

obsessed with how you specified with a sprite. it's gonna look so awkward, I love it.

send me a character and i’ll list:

favorite thing about them

The weirder answer: the specific tone of voice I have developed for him in my head that I can never explain to people, but it just Is. Lately it's been getting more muddy and vague (Gotta go replay!!! Yearning...), but in general, holy shit, it's so good.

The normaler answer: the way his whole character is on the undefinable fringe between right and wrong, life or death, being perfect and just being, etc etc. You get it, it's on the ceiling.

least favorite thing about them

THE WAY HE JUST WON'T LEAVE MY HEAD.

Seriously, though, I don't know... there are plenty of parts to him you're supposed to dislike and question, but at this point I have stewed and pondered on them enough to actually adore how well they fit together.

There's at least some sort of inferable reason to just about everything he does or can do, so it's genuinely hard to find a reason to hate him, despite it all. When the character is complex... bottom text...

favorite line

Off the top of my head, probably "You honestly thought you were in my league." I feel like I talked about that moment plenty (with some people, or maybe with myself), and also not enough, but it really feels like the first (or one of the first) times his core character really shines on its own.

And due to how it's all constructed, in the moment all you can really think about is how much you agree. You just sit there, somewhere between utterly fascinated and deeply... immersed, for lack of a better word, and it's the exact way they want you to feel. They want this to stick, so it does. It's just a good scene.

Shout-out to "You are wise and virtuous." in HERO as well, because that is probably my single favorite bit in the whole thing. Help.

brOTP

The little girl, obviously :3 + Fifteen, but it's too complicated to just call it that. I'm not in the mood\shape to try explain it exactly, especially since you already know

OTP

The receptionist. <3 <3 <3

It's the kinda shit that realistically shouldn't work out, which is why I'd love to see it actually get pulled off in canon, LMFAO. But I'm not too hung up on it, obviously.

nOTP

Literally everything and everyone else (aside from the two crossover crack ships I now have, but that's entirely out of this ask's scope and I don't want to elaborate), including 150 seen through any other lens than mine, to be honest.

Lea him alone.

random headcanon

He really wants to have a cat, but doesn't act on it for multiple reasons, from stray cats just generally being nasty on top of how The Everything in the district is horrible, to the crushing knowledge of never being able to take care of it perfectly.

unpopular opinion

Probably every single opinion I have. I don't like answering questions like these because I hate knowing what is popular no matter what fandom. The very concept of such a question consistently stumps me, because I am permanently off in the corner, just doing my own thing.

song i associate with them

You've seen my playlist, and I don't like going off about it unless prompted, so I'll simplify and say Overdose. :3

favorite picture of them

[scrolls through 💿 tag and my silly art stash rapidly] uh... I'm gonna pick three... if there's anything KZ fandom always does right, it's the art, ugh.

The second one in this tweet. There's something about the framing and the texture that just gets me so bad...

This post. I keep saying it, but Scary is one of my fav artists in general, and I continue projecting stuff onto this piece specifically, so it just means so much to me, oh my god. That and the song it's coupled with. Help me.

This post. The expression and pose, the colors, literally everything about the linework, and to top it all off, the gem that is the fucking caption. I think about it weekly.

#🍵 #zero.txt #long post #i should add a note about skipping the unpopular opinion entry for next time oh my god. i hate that question

[deliriumofendless]

Ugh I'm so annoyed rn ever Eurovision tiktok is filled with comments saying Ukraine only won bc of pity votes. I don't have the energy to fight under every tiktok but damn ppl are the worst. It's like they forgot why Eurovision was created in the first place, it's not bad to show solidarity. Plus the song itself was great, it's not like we collectively fell in love with Go_A last year and Moldova literally got the second highest vote. I get feeling disappointed your fav didn't win but cmon. Especially the Germans annoy me (I'm German) they act like it's all of Ukraine's fault we got last bc Germany does a poor political job so everyone hates us. Maybe it's because we fucking sucked, our song was the color beige nobody wanted us there in the first place bc we were boring af. That's also not even the esc fans fault but our broadcasting network who decided who goes. But yeah only if it weren't for Ukraine we would totally win that thing, like our song was this fucking masterpiece. It's so annoying bc you can't argue with those ppl you could talk to the wall and get the same effect.

The only country that seriously got robbed was France, they deserved way more points, but Germany was right where it supposed to be and even the 6 points from the public were too much I would rather give them to France. I'm sorry for ranting but those dumb comments really made me angry.

rant away babe i feel the exact same way, those people are just bitter their fave didn’t win. although i wish my other favorite acts would’ve gotten more points (finland, france, norway etc) i recognize that those points went to ukraine and i’m so happy they won that i can’t find myself upset that the others ranked lower than i would’ve liked.

and as for “pity votes”,,,, eastern european songs have been really popular lately and they show a culture that not many are familiar with because for so so many years it’s been viewed as lesser. yeah i’m sure ukraine did get some “pity votes” but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t an amazing song. it would’ve ranked high if there was or wasn’t a war. unfortunately this is why leading up to the final i understood the people wishing ukraine wouldn’t win because they knew people would react this way and be bitter.

also like the german entry did absolutely nothing for me and he seemed cool with ranking last tbh (which is the way it should be, eurovision isn’t the end of the world and you should be a good sport no matter what, so i respect him for that). anyways i love that ukraine won and if anyones got anything to say about it they can fuck off because i’m over the moon about their success

[dzpenumbra]

1/16/23

I woke up today to a text message from my mom. It was encouraging me to reconsider getting my vaccine booster today. Yep, I hate saying this out-loud... I have anti-vaxxer parents. Trump fans, too. It's embarrassing to even type that.

And now, at 1:30 AM... 10 hours after my vaccination... I'm sitting here freaking out at every anxiety chest pain I have, convinced I'm going to keel over and die. I mean... not convinced, let's be real, if I was convinced I would be in an Urgent Care waiting room right now. Just... scared. Looming threat feelings. Doom. That one. That fun fun word.

But it's just Shades of Doom. I'm capitalizing that because it's a fucking badass song title and I want to remember that. Just a smidge of Doom. I'm no stranger to that feeling, and in a sick way... I'm really deeply grateful for my naïve and clumsy solo-swandive into the depths of my Unconscious mind back in 2019, because I have become very well acquainted with the feeling of existential dread. All the colors of existential dread. Fear of biological death. Fear of dying. Fear of existence being a fabrication - either a hallucination/dream I was having or that I simply never actually existed and this was just... fiction or something, or fear that I'm a ghost and I died but I just don't know it yet. Fear of annihilation. That one is rough one. Fear of apocalypse/catastrophe. They all have similar threads, obviously, but they all feel a bit different physically and emotionally, experientially. Like the way that different hot peppers have different heat sensations, but are all kinda the same thing. So yeah, I'm feeling this. It's like... a 2-3/10. And it feels like biological death fear. And the ironic part... well... I don't know if irony is the right word... but... whatever I'll just say what I'm thinking.

I have a tattoo on my chest. It says "Mea Culpa" and it's mirrored. See, I used to get chest pains in a very specific spot in my chest when I was a teenager. Left side of my chest, between two ribs. It was my reminder to myself (thus the mirroring, it's not for others, it's for me) that I am doing this to myself, that sensation is not something my biology is doing to me, it's a message my subconscious is sending to indicate danger. Because I confused that enough times in my life, I wanted to make it clear once and for all. It was also, once translated to "my fault" kinda a double entendre of "my weakness". And that is the exact spot where I'm getting chest tension right now. So... jokes on you, anxiety, I was like 15 years ahead of you, you ain't foolin me tonight.

It's pretty crazy how things evolve. I stopped getting physical anxiety symptoms almost entirely for a long time, like not even feeling my heart race. That shit is crazy disorienting. You're just going... "I'm upset, I'm scared, but... I don't feel scared? Am I broken?" Which, of course, compounds the anxiety... But yeah, I guess this is a big one if it's pulling out the old classics like chest pain. I'm sure sleeping tonight is gonna be a blast.

See... ugh, I don't even know how to tell the story of today. Let's just go back. So I got my vaccine done. And they just said "you don't have to wait 15 minutes, you can just go," and left me in this like... closet. And I was seriously gonna go... "actually, I kinda want to stay, because I live alone and I don't have any friends and I'm kinda scared because people were saying scary shit to me about all this... so... could we hang out for like 10 minutes?" But... I didn't. Because I'm a 36 year old man who is supposed to be numb and stoic like a goddamn soldier is supposed to be, because feelings are a weakness and a liability, right? Welp, I'll tell you what I did. I went to the stationary aisle and looked at pens and post-it notes and markers and journals and notebooks and puzzles and shit for like... 7 minutes. Then I went and pretended to look at the shitty books they had for like... 2 minutes. Then I found a like... plastic mat thing for my shower that I ended up buying, and got a roll of Starburst. Then I decided I wasn't actually dying, so I got in my car and... texted my sister-in-law back.

See... my sister-in-law texted me this morning too, and invited me out to their place to see my nephew and their dog, to visit for dinner. I explained the situation and we went through with it. It was great! Before I headed over there, I went to Michael's. I was pissed off about the whole thing the other day with Instacart just... not bringing me $20 worth of blank wooden beads... I had some really cool ideas brewing with that... so I went into that store on a goddamn mission. And boy did I hit paydirt. I walked out with a wooden box for fruit and candy (yay), a package of clasps for future necklace pieces, a string of 12mm Tiger's Eye beads, and a string of 8mm black obsidian beads. And I'm like 90% certain they're real stone, they really don't feel like glass to me. So I was just completely stoked coming out of that shopping adventure. Hopped on the highway and headed to my brother's house.

Hanging out there was awesome. Their area is absolutely gorgeous. I got to meet the pup who is a 2 year old male sable German Shepherd, which is the same exact age my pup was when I got her. He even has similar coloration and personality and everything. I love him. He was so well behaved, so friendly, so happy and super affectionate. Especially since this was my first time meeting him. Very respectful and communicative, too, which I was very impressed by. It was very heart-warming!

Dinner was great, they got take out and it was very nice. They're foodies, so I know when I eat with them I'm getting something really nice that's way outside my normal budget. My brother got me to try Szechuan peppercorns, which are crazy - he gave me both the corns themselves and an oil with them in it. Very unique sensation and experience.

I got to chill with my nephew for a bit, he's getting so big so fast. I still feel... distant with kids. Like... I just don't really know what to do with my hands. It's just been a very long time, like around 10 years. Very alien concept. Where the dog thing very fresh, very natural, very second nature. So I imagine this is how people feel when I ask them if they want to pick up or pet my cat when they haven't touched a cat in like... a decade. It's not like... a "no", it's not a bad thing, and it's not an inexperience thing, it's a rusty hinges thing, I guess. It's humbling. But we got to have some nice bonding time, and I really enjoyed it.

Interacting solo and alone with my brother is... odd. I really don't know him well, but we do have a lot of like... science things that we have in common. That was really cool. So I shared my fascination with opal, and asked for recommendations of places to hike and places to maybe gather lake stones, like a stone beach? And he seemed genuinely intrigued and interested in following up. There's just always been a disconnect between us, and I haven't really been able to tell what it is. I have my theories that it's like... I am sorta walking around radiating pure emotions (for the most part) and maybe he struggles to express them? Or feels threatened by mine, like others? I don't know. I don't like speculating. It was just... a barrier, and it felt... ancient. It felt like a barrier that's always been there. That we're almost just like... different animals, or something. I dunno. Hard to describe. But it's nice to be able to find common ground and bond, regardless of how different we are. That made me really happy!

About 20 minutes after I got home... cat's fed, I got more food to graze on and everything, I'm going to collapse in my beanbag chair and watch this Graham Hancock documentary series on Netflix because I was/am just physically exhausted... my Dad texts me. ... Yep... He sends me a paragraph warning me to not under any circumstances take that shot and that he has read all kinds of research about how dangerous it is, and heard horror stories from "friends" of his or whatever. Like... for real. And was saying he could pass along some "literature" or whatever. And I just got like... HUGE cult vibes. Like Scientology vibes. And I, stupidly, said something snarky like "too late, but good news, I'm not dead." I tried to follow up by calling my mom to ask her to just convey calmly that I'm okay and to ask him to not text me... but she dodged the call. And it was probably for the best.

It pains me. And it haunts me. Like... if you're genuinely afraid for my life and care, why the fuck are you trying to pass me fucking pamphlets or news articles. Why the fuck are you not asking how I'm doing? How I'm feeling? If there's anything you can do to make my night a bit better? Like, if you genuinely, 100% were convinced that I was going to die tonight, do you really want your last message to your son to be "You should've read the studies I found." Good lord. Who trains these people on how to like... support people? If you really think that someone's personal health decisions are that abhorrent that you're not going to even check in to see how they're doing, I mean... you know you can just like... walk away, right? XD Gah, I'm not even making coherent sentences anymore. This shit is so emotionally... god I don't even have the word... I want to say effervescent, or like... bubbling... like a boiling pot. Like I said very clearly to him "the anxiety you two are exposing me to (this isn't a direct quote, I don't want to re-read that) is guaranteed to do damage to my health". And I truly mean that. From the heart (hehe, because of the peri/myocarditis risk, get it?). They are talking to someone who has had crippling PTSD for years - years. Has been in therapy, has been on meds, has been housebound for weeks, months at a time. Had his car rendered incapacitated from being parked in the same space for months. I literally had a flat tire frozen into the mud in the ground last winter. My car was literally frozen into the ground. Because I didn't leave my house. And they look at that - this PTSD case who has no friends, no girlfriend, lives alone - and they go "yeah, let's dump our fear on that dude". "What harm could it cause." "I mean, what else am I gonna do with this nasty fear shit? Work through it? HA!"

Ugh, I gotta get off this topic, it's so fucking upsetting. I'm even dreading proofreading this after because of how stressful even the thought of all of it is. So, I went from that into a binge of Graham Hancock - modern-day harbinger of doom. Nothing boosts the mood like saying "hey, we're careening into the Taurid meteor stream around the same cycle that caused what we're theorizing was a gigantic series of impacts that wiped out most of the life on Earth. Could happen any year now. Sleep tight!" And in other years, I would be crying myself to sleep and reaching out to all the loved ones I've ever had to make the most of my final days on this planet. But... now? Nope. Now, I'm not really off-put by it. I don't think it's repression, I don't think it's numbness. I could be wrong. But I don't think it is. I think it's more of a peace thing. Like... at least I got to try to do what I see as my purpose on this planet. And at least I got to, in some ways, succeed in fulfilling that purpose. That's more than a lot of people can say. I may not be a successful streamer, or a world-class musician, or a talented jewelry maker, or a master nature illustrator, or a skillful tarot reader, or a prodigious writer. But I got to do what I love. I got to walk barefoot in rivers and talk to the trees. I got to get wasted at a party in a penthouse suite in Vegas. I got to perform improvised metal drums in front of an audience wearing a wizard mask, a crop top, a bow tie and silver spandex hot pants, barefoot. I got to be a dad for a wonderful dog and a wonderful cat. I was a very selfless and giving friend, even if my "friends" hadn't earned that privilege. I loved with all my heart. And I tried really really hard to be as honest and pure with my expressions on this planet as I could be, regardless of how unsafe people make it to be honest and pure, regardless of the fact that nearly no one else is. I have been doing my damnedest to live an authentic life. To live as true to my passions, my bliss, my ever-changing pure narrative as I can. I really hope more people can feel how liberating that is, how... you feel like an actual person. Not a prop in someone else's movie. Not a background actor. Not following a script or something. You're just you, and you're just... being you. Good lord, shit like this is so hard to put into words! XD

So yeah, maybe I'm just in a better place mentally lately? Or maybe I'm just not processing things fully? Either way, there's a nice stillness and calm present right now that I'm excited to fall into as I head to bed.

To bring a good note back, because if you read any of this, you know my tradition I really try to do is to end on a good note, with good vibes. I try to do it every night, reset the palate before my entry into the dream realm. I keep looking over at these Tiger's Eye beads. I'm really excited to work with them. I don't know what I'm going to do, but I really like them. I'll see if they pair with my wrapped bloodstone. But.. but... that leads to this. So I have a ton of beeswax, and I was going to melt it and mix it with walnut oil to thin it a bit, make a paste out of it. I'm saying this like I came up with the idea, naw, I found a thing online that recommended it for sealing things you want to be... food-safe? And all-organic. So... there's that. So these won't be bad if my nephew decides to chew on them, especially if I use non-toxic paints/dyes (note to self...). I was going to use this wax finish on my mahogany chopsticks I have, which have been a work in progress for an embarrassingly long time. But I found a stone I want to set in them, a greenstone piece that should look really good in contrast with the dark reddish brown of mahogany, and I can cut the greenstone now with my new hacksaw blade. But I'm thinking of taking these blank raw wood beads and either carving them, painting them or both. Individually. By hand. Maybe playing around with dyes too, especially since I have this stuff called Dragonfly Glaze, which is a full-spectrum color-changing topcoat glaze. So many possibilities! Tell me that's not exciting. And, I mean... I got to go to Michael's today. There's really not a lot of vibes I have that are better than me getting lost in the awe of so many wonderful art/craft supplies. I used to tell people that I need a chaperone when I go in there, because I just wander off and end up there for hours. I have a lot of cool projects on the table to get started tomorrow, yay!

Off to sleep, super exhausted. Bye!

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of consciousness #stream of thoughts

[heybaetae]

not sure if you want to end this discussion, in which case feel free to ignore, but i wanted to add a bit about people's reactions to BTS. i'm pretty stoic and level headed with most people in real life and i tend to like things that aren't considered stereotypically girly. it's interesting how shocked people are when i say i'm a k-pop or BTS fan. they always say i don't seem like the type. i finally asked one of them why and he said that it's because when he thinks of BTS fans he thinks of high school girls. he's a nice guy and didn't mean it maliciously, but it's frustrating how that's so normal to think (not even getting into the messed up implications of how people think it's okay to shit on things teenage girls like) and people can't get past that to actually listen to the music before making comments like these. they have such a rich and diverse discography too, anytime someone disses everything BTS has ever done, i'm immediately skeptical. boybands have never been taken seriously and they get so much extra hate because they're Asian, it's ridiculous. i've heard so many people complain that there's "too many of them" as if that's a valid criticism to have? it's pretty common to have 5 member boy bands in the West too, but you add 2 more and suddenly the whole thing is ruined and the entire band is cancelled, what sense does that even make. i could go on and on about the way people view and treat BTS and k-pop and their fans and how it's tied to sexism and racism/xenophobia most of the time but let's not bring the mood down any more

I don’t wanna ignore this one bc you typed it all out and I agree with it so much lol. it’s so wild too, because even when i WAS a teenage girl, i was still teased for liking the boyband(s) I liked. so whether or not you’re the age people think is the most typical or acceptable to be a “fangirl” (ugh) of something, it literally doesn’t even matter because the negative comments are literally going to continue following you and your interests into your twenties and beyond. and you know what the real kicker is almost every single time without fail? years will go by and those groups I was made fun of for liking miraculously become cool to people. it’s like “oh the jonas brothers are awesome” “one direction is dope!” …what, all of a sudden??? what happened to the original plot? the one where I was silly for recognizing those facts when I was younger??? if you’d listened to these exact same songs back then you would have seen that too, but you refused to give it the time of day because you don’t take anything young girls like seriously. we are always right. at every age. 🤡 and yes you’re right it’s a WHOOOOLE other mess of bullshit when it’s bts for sure. but like you said, we all know what it is and it’s blatant. and frankly tiring.

#ask