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wrongfriendshipsstory · 6 years

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1 [Prologue? Summary of pre 2011 - summer 2015]

tw: mention of suicide, depression and bullying, and at the very end mention of scars

Just to summarize some things, so you know what happend before those things. I will leave out a lot of things (like friends during those times, etc.) that are not that important. Ever since I was born we lived in a very weird situation. My siblings and I were mainly brought up by my mum who did EVERYTHING (gaining money, take care of us, bring us to school, as well as “translate” between us and my father, who is very manipulative and ... it’s hard to explain). My father was mainly engaged with our neighbours family and often didn’t care about us, and when he did, he forced his interests onto us. In 2008 both my siblings (who I had a very good connection to) moved out (and far away) and they were gone suddenly. My mum became depressed (it got worse later, for reasons that are not important here). Anyhow. I started at a new school in summer 2010, the first year was fine but it got worse in 2011. I started being bullied. It was mainly passive bullying (exclusion) but it grew into bullying with verbal and partially physical components. Those were the worst times for me, I was very depressed and even suicidal. I hated myself and I believed my family did too (I remembered some things my siblings said when I was younger; blaming me for the arguments of our parents, saying that I was an acciedent, etc.). 2012 was by far the worst year, but luckily I was saved by a song, which also made me stronger. But the bullying wouldn’t stop ofc. It just went back to mainly passive bullying. In 2013 I did an IQ test and it was extremely good. I needed to go to a different school because I was just ... bored at the school I was currently going to. Later that year I started therapy at a psychologist (for half a year), who helped me resolve the issue with the “family hate”; which was actually a misunderstanding (mainly caused by my father (who was the one saying those things)). We found a (boarding) school that I could go to, because of my boredom at school. That boardingschool is a bit harder and specialized in certain subjects (science for example), which i really liked. After i got accepted at that school, I was in a very “fuck you” mood at school. I didn’t care about bullies, I didn’t care about teachers who didn’t like me, I would be gone anyways in a few months. It was a very good feeling. (Note: Just one extremely hurtful thing happend during that time, someone I called “friend” told me to go kill myself after I made fun of some “special effects” in an educational documentary we watched in biology class.......) In summer 2014 I started going to said boarding school. It was a crazy expierence and I loved it. Sadly, I had to share my room with 5(!) other people (it is the biggest room at that school...). In the beginning I didn’t mind, but obviously it got a bit harder later that year, but it was still fine, I was happy. There was only one thing that really hurt me... I used to love singing and do it a lot. Even join a choir forum for japanese songs (mainly Vocaloid) to make videos/sing together. During that year my roommates kept telling me to shut up because I wouldn’t sing right, but they’d keep singing. They’d tell me I was annoying because I started practicing playing bass, and my humming/singing was off. Ever since that I completely stopped singing. I don’t sing anymore at all (no birthday songs, no school song, etc.), even today, I don’t plan on singing again, I don’t even sing to myself when I’m alone. (Note: Something similiar happend before that, I can’t pinpoint the time anymore, but it was basically the same and it took me a lot to start up again.) In march 2015 I had my first actual boyfriend. He’s a friend of mine I knew from the internet and met a few times before. He came to visit for my birthday and yea... I was really really happy and talked a lot about him obviously. My roommates wre annoyed by that too. (Note: One girl that lived in that room, had a boyfriend and she wouldn’t stop talking about that and it seemed to be fine, also another girl had a boyfriend at school for 3 months and wouldn’t shut up either, and neither would she shut up about the crushes she had. Nowadays we laugh about the crushes tho.) In may 2015 we had to choose new rooms and who we wanted to share a room with. I had a very very good friend, let’s name her A, and we wanted a 2-person room to share. In June 2015 the room-coordinator talked to us and told us, we’d have to take in another person, because a new person would join the class, and either we take the new person, a person we did not like that much, or a girl that I shortly before that befriended because I know (at that point didn’t really like tho) K-Pop. I’ll be naming her L. So we had the choice: new student we didn’t know, someone we didn’t like that much (and A shared a room with the past year and said: NO PLEASE NOT) or L. We choose L.

After summer break 2015, I shared a room with A and L.

And that is where the first, small domino fell. The one piece that will cause a huge chain of events, which would eventually tear me and my mental health into pieces, and leave me and my body with scars. Or maybe not? Maybe it was just the setting, for all kind of events and past events to combine and unknowingly push me down a staircase into a trap that would eventually destroy me.

#story #survivor #past #tw #bullying #mention of suicide #depression #school #C #L #A #pre summer 2015 #1 #part 1

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survivingjapan · 7 years

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EPISODE 12 “Cries in Japanese” - Steffen

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh THE ANGELS HAVE SPOKEN, I AM THE CHOSEN ONE THAT JUST FUCKING HAPPENEDDDDDD SHOOKETH. AND NOW IM AT MERGE WITH A LOT MORE LIFE LEFT IN ME GAWD. GAWD IS GOOD. PURRAISE GAWD FUR VITTORY

https://youtu.be/2e2WBCDcOSs

http://youtu.be/fi-5lcsiBHc godt

Okay now that I've got my composure back, here's a recap of what happened: 1) I made a chat with Steffen and Drew, made a very logical and reasonable plea, and awaited their reply for several hours 2) I flat-out told Dom and Ashton I would be voting for one of them for the sake of clarity. Ended up deciding on Ashton since he tried to lie to me again like I'm some idiot? 3) Steffen and Drew were honest with me - flat-out said they were sending me home 4) I get frustrated and rageful. I decide that just because they say I'm out doesn't mean I'm out, so I go to Ashton and spill tea on how they don't trust him 5) He runs back to Drew and tells him what I say 6) I explode in main chat because I have nothing to lose and make it a point to know that the 4 of them are tight 7) 45 minutes before tribal, Pippa messages me, saying how she likes my genuine nature, doesn't think I deserve to leave, and would be willing to hand me her and Andrew's idol. 8) I freak out and then find myself in a f3 alliance with the both of them - the deal is that I play the idol on myself and vote for Drew. (Which is what I did) 9) Before our idol exchange is complete, Sarah starts rage-calling me (on Snap and on Skype) to say that I wasn't going anywhere. 10) Confused, I let her continue as we go on call. She tells me of her special idol that resets the challenge. She promises to throw so that I can merge. and I was over here contemplating how I would face Matt and Bodhi after getting pre-merged. wowza! dont count miss crow out! VL Confessional: caw caw aint dead yet bitch!

Now that merge has come around, I've been offered wayyy too many alliances. First off, we have the general, villains alliance of the last 5 of us. Then we have the inner core of that between myself, Tommy, and Sarah. Then we have the true inner core of that between myself, Sarah, and Brian. Then we have the iconic power duo of myself and Sarah within that. THEN I'm now working with Andrew and Pippa in a final 3 alliance. AND ON TOP OF THAT Johnny is trying to orchestrate an alliance between myself, Brian, him, and Steffen AND THE CHERRY ON THE FUCKING CAKE Is that Drew is still trying to salvage w/e the fuck we have at this point... but I told him no. so. there's that. ANYWAYS. CROW HAS LIFE AGAIN IN THIS GAME!

SO WOW! Honestly, the past 12 hours has been overwhelmingly shocking, and I've purposely taken a step back for multiple reasons. One was because I didn't want to dig too deep into people about what happened with Ashton's blindside, particularly with Crow and Steffen, and also I didn't want to be too eager. Last time I played I was way too eager at merge, and it caught me on the second vote, so I'm not trying to go down that early again this time. Let's recap though: 1. Crow got an idol given to him by a hero, and no one knows which one yet, and that person made a deal with him that Crow couldn't tell anyone, and it means he won't even tell me. 2. Crow doesn't trust Steffen anymore because Steffen voted for Crow originally, and then used his power, which made Crow think that Steffen didn't trust him, and that Crow would use his vote against Steffen, which made Crow wary. 3. Steffen had a second "idol" he didn't tell me about............ INTERESTING! I mean listen. I wouldn't have told Steffen if I found an idol either, but still, I partially thought we had an understanding, but I also totally wouldn't expect him to just give it to me, that's his, and he can do what he wants with it. If anything, I can guilt trip him about our idol. 4. Drew knew about Steffen's vote steal idol, which means that those two revealed themselves as a tight duo as well, and I know that I have that tight duo relationship with Drew, and also with Steffen, and in fact I share an idol with both of them, so I'm curious as to what they may or may not have told each other... All I will find out soon I'm sure. 5. Tommy told me that there was an alliance with Isaac, Kendall, Alex, Drew, Pippa, Andrew, but little does he know that I was in that alliance too, and I think it's getting out because Alex told Tommy after the aftermath of the Isaac vote, which is very interesting, and also turns out that Tommy was told I was the one that threw out his name, so Tommy may be wary of me at this point, and I need to look out for that. I told Trace and Dom that I was in that alliance, so this way they knew about it before they could be told I was a part of it as well, and they find me sketchy, and Steffen already knows. Last but not least, rip Ashton. What a great lad, and would've been an incredible sheep in my grand scheme, but now I need to look for alternative options. My plan for the day is to talk around, not talk about any proposals of plans or anything, except with Steffen, and then get Steffen back on Crow's good side. Brian and I did our part, and now Crow and Steffen need to go through therapy in order for the four of us to be able to be double agents for each other during this beginning phase of merge. I'm curious how this day is going to go on, but it shall be interesting to see how everything plays out. This is where the game takes a step forward, and everything resets, and I'm ready to play an under the radar snaky game. I think a lot of people trust me, and I'm going to have to do a lot of damage control along the way, but at this point, I'm playing with no fear, and I'm going full force into this merge in a very strategic manner, so bring it on!

Coming into merge, you need to count on your relationships, and I know mine are overly shaky, but I still think I can bounce back from some of them. These are the people I trust in order: 1. Steffen - My ride or die, he knows I won't turn on him, we share an idol together and I've told him almost everything about my game, but still huge threat. 2. Trace - Too standup of a guy, and I know he trusts me or Dom the most, but legitimately wants him, Dom and I in the finals, so I'm gonna keep with that. 3. Crow - I really don't see any benefit in Crow's game where he turns on me, and it's great to know that because we're that good of friends. 4. Dom - We don't talk as much one on one, but we still are pretty damn solid, and he doesn't seem like the kinda guy to make a move against me this early. 5. Andrew - I really really really want to work with Andrew probably more than anyone above, but at the same time, I've gotta just keep on my toes because he wants this bad and seems like he would do anything to get it. 6.Drew - I just don't think Drew is going to last deep, but we share an idol, and it seems our relationship was by force, but he was the one who asked for a deal, so i'll hold to it for now? 7. Tommy - Tommy is a fucking sociopath, but loves me for some reason. We'll see with that boy, but I see people coming for him hard soon, and I'm not going to be too bothered if he goes. 8. Brian - I built this relationship with Brian right when we swapped tribes, and I know he isn't too active, but I want to have his back for Steffen's sake, and hopefully it will transfer to my sake as well. 9. Junior - I have been bro'ing down with him a lot, and I think there's a very good shot that we can maintain a decent relationship for the time being, but I'm not looking to solidify deals or anything. 10. Pippa - I think she's still mad at me from the Isaac vote, and I just can't believe that she wants to work with me. I think Andrew will work on her for me. 11. Kendall - Kendall and I share a bit of interest in this game, and I think she has bigger fish to fry, but she's horribly inactive and doesn't deserve to be here anymore, and in order to knock down Sarah, I've gotta go for Kendall first. 12. Sarah - Easily the biggest threat to my personal game left right now. She knows that I threw her name around the only tribal we went to, and now I have a big Bull's Eye on my back, so I've just gotta lay low, remain cordial and hope she tries to use me for moves opposed to going for me. Only time will tell. I do know that Sarah/Brian/Crow/Junior are VERY close, I'm not too sure about Tommy, but he seems like he's not too hellbent on the Heroes vs Villains thing. I'm trying to lay low so hard, and I'm hoping to use my relationships to the best of my abilities for as long as I can, but I know I'm going to be under fire sooner rather than later. I really want to come off as unthreatening for the time being and hope that people don't see a purpose of coming for me, but at the same time, I want to utilize these idols that I have in my back pocket and show that I can add something to my resume, but only time will tell how things will go. I want to purposely not invest as much time in talking to people for the sole reason of sticking around longer, even if it's at the expense of my allies.

so like...time to put the charm on trace his insecurities are getting idoled out and basically being a goat so hopefully i can convince him that hes being johnnys goat and that he can flip ... not that i want him to flip right away but hes now my work in progess WISH ME LUCK? FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK IMMA NEED IT

I've been lackluster on these, oops. Hopefully I survive this round in order to ensure that I can be super extra in the following rounds and make more confessionals. Anyway, game stuff ! Crow and Steffen? Not on great terms right now! Hopefully that gets fixed because an alliance between the three of us plus Johnny is supposed to be a thing that's supposed to run this game. So yea ! Crow and Sarah? My parents! Favorite alliance I have with my 2 "day 1s." I'll try and stick loyal to this, however I think that going to the end with either of this people is death. I think I'm currently in a shitty position to win. Like I'll need to become super duper likable quick because I'm currently sitting around big threat after big threat. Sarah's being targeted. Andrew's being targeted. Drew's being targeted. Johnny's being targeted. Steffen's being targeted. And of COURSE, almost all of these people are people I'd love to go far with. But realistically, if I had to pick a final 3 right here, right now. I'd love to go to the end with Pippa and Kendall. I feel like they're both likable, but I feel like they're games are kinda lackluster up to this point. Who am I to speak though when mine isn't too hot either? Anyway, that's just me rn. I'll be back later after immunity!

Okay so fuck. We merged. And first I'd like to say. Ahem. YES. TWAS I WHO STARTED THE FIRE UPON DREW'S HOUSE!! So fuckin basically I had been thinking about giving Crow the hero idol after his rant in the one world bc like I don't trust Drew and getting him out before merge would have been amazing. So I'm screaming about it in my host chat and then Pippa messages me hey I have a really awful idea and I'm like oh fuck we might have the same idea can we call and I'm like okay we'll say our ideas in the 3 2 1 and the it happens and we're both like "GIVE CROW THE HERO IDOL AND GET HIM TO KILL DREW" dfghjkl and I'm like AAAAA and she's like AAAAA and we're both like AAAAA ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!! ! ! ! !!! ! ! Anyway Pippa gets good with Crow and I'm like fuck okay Crow seems like he's someone who plays based on loyalty but we could be TOTALLY fucking wrong BUT he does end up playing the idol and voting Drew. Perfect plan, right? Well know because Steffen exists. And I should have seen this shit coming because I knew from way back when from Isaac's rat ass that Steffen found that vote steal day 2. And of COURSE Steffen doesn't take the opportunity to vote Drew anyway because Steffen rarely makes big moves (looks back at the ballsy comment). So Ashton goes and I feel like shit but at the same time it sounded like Ashton was up Drew's ass so I'd rather him then Dom especially bc I think we wanna target Dom this round if he isn't immune? Also I now have Ashton's idol all to myself :~) Still woulda been nice tho if Drew went bc basically what this was was Drew asking too many questions about Alex leaving with the brawn idol so I basically called a meeting with Drew by some train tracks and was gonna push him in front of the next oncoming train house of cards style but... can't have everything! Honestly this was just Pippa and I being like - rather be iconic and lose than be boring and win. And like fuck it we tried making a power play okay? Idc I can say I tried. And now it's fuckin hilarious bc everyone's on a wild goose chase to find who gave Crow the hero idol bc it was actually revealed on an official pic that that was the hero idol lmao. Whoops! Also I'm pretty sure Crow told Sarah bc I got some interesting info from Junior last night that at like 8:30 Sarah had to get off call with Junior because Crow needed to call her and I'm like hmmmmmm but idk if he leaked who gave it to him. I know they're close tho. So now it comes down to who to take out. Basically Junior and I had a talk and there are kinda floater minions who can get far - specifically Kendall and Brian for Sarah and Dom for Drew. He initially wanted to go for Kendall or Brian but I suggested maybe link up with Sarah's crew first to take out Dom before Drew gets into too big of a power position. That way, I can be pushing my own agenda of continuing to work with Crow bc Pippa and I have a final 3 deal with him at this point. Which idk how strongly we're all gonna stick to it but I'd like to stick to it as long as I realistically can unless I'm voted out first? Yeah idk. We'll see. But this could also garner trust with Sarah. The other fun thing is if Dom (a hero) goes first then Junior's paranoid ass said he'd be fine taking out Brian (a villain) next, just because Junior still has a worry that the heroes will gang up on the villains and I'm like lmao at this point I don't trust most of the heroes left but okay Junior! Yeah honestly I'm gonna try working with Brian but we kinda have a messy history both in and out of the game, and I usually don't with people but I can at least try with him even thought I want him out soon? He probably wants me gone soon too so like oh well. Only person I haven't talked to all game tho. Also there's Johnny and Trace which side note - Johnny, Sarah, and Drew have kinda been labeled the leaders I think at this point? Idk if Junior, Pippa, and I are also seen as a faction but I guess we'll find out soon. So I'm looking out for Johnny too bc I'm kinda suspicious of him, and I think Trace is definitely with him. Anyway I think we'll get a clearer picture of wtf is happening after immunity results, but I just wanna make sure I'm good with Crow, keep Sarah from being paranoid, get a good target on Dom, and test the waters with Brian. Whew. I have my work cut out for me and if I flop 13th place here I come!

Operation STAY UNDER THE RADAR is in full swing. Here's my philosophy on this. I think that I'm fairly safe this round, and my name will probably not go around, just due to the Villains who I have relationships with, and I just don't see it happening. I don't care if I'm on the wrong side of the vote this round because the second round of merge always proves to be the most hectic. Everyone wants the first round to be easy, which means that it's typically side vs side, but the second round is when everyone jumps around and starts acting crazy, and that's where I'll SLOWLY slide from the cracks. I don't care who goes, I hope idols and shit are played and, as long as it isn't me, I know I'm strategically capable to work any angle I need to next round, but why be pushy now? It's still final 13 and I'm not looking to become a target for at least 3-4 more rounds, until I have to finally start hustling at this game. It's all in the plan... It's all in the plan.

Honestly, this round they're going for Junior or Kendall, and I, for the first time, have no fucking idea where those names came from, but once I know exactly who is doing what, I'm just going to make my rounds and make sure that people trust that I'm doing what they want me to do, so they think I'm more valuable. I'm at a point in the game where I am laying lower than I ever have before, and I think that this is going to be a really good round for me. I'm waiting to see which person my alliance of five is going to target, and then that's probably how I'll vote, and no one will think differently of me for it. Personally, i'd like it if Junior stayed and Kendall went home, but Junior going home wouldn't be horrible either because he's a villain, and I can't get a great read on him, but I'm also contemplating trying to scoop him up as an ally, so we'll see what ends up happening. This round should be pretty simple for me. I just have to play it cool, and then hope to advance my position as time goes on.

I FEEL BETRAYED *blood drips from my heart* APPARENTLY there was an alliance made with Kendall, Sarah, Brian, Tommy, Steffen and Drew in it, and they're all trying to get Junior out tonight and I'm fucking choking. How DARE they try to do something without me? They must go bye bye now. I am absolutely using this to get the rest of the numbers onto voting for Kendall and hoping that it works. Again, I'm not going to go to town with this, but hopefully Kendall can go home tonight, and then Drew and Steffen have no choice but to come back to us, and then later on, I can even blame Tommy to Sarah and just say that I was going on self preservation and that I need to do stuff to work on this.

http://youtu.be/DqrxfTd1F6c

ROCKS

#returnrevengeredemption #confessionals

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