wrongfriendshipsstory

[wrongfriendshipsstory]

Imagine...

imagine you're at war.

Your worst enemy knows basically everything about you. Your feelings, your biggest weakspots, your biggest fears, lots of embarrassing moments, memories, as well as all about your environment. Your worldview and your religious or non religious beliefs too. You've been talking to them about it, of course they know.

Imagine every day, at any moment, your enemy can come and hurt you, make you struggle, unable to go on for a while. Some days you don't think they'll attack, and they don't. Some days you don't think they attack and they do. Some days you expect it and nothing happens or they come as you thought they would.

They use everything they know against you. Your weaknesses are their target, they'll question your beliefs, make you Re-live bad memories, laugh at your for being embarrassing. You loose your view of everything, it all turns cloudy, dark, a mess. They question you to your deepest core. You question yourself. You're just a burden, to be eliminated.

The war is hard, long and there doesn't seem to be an end. You're trapped at the mercy of your biggest enemy.

You don't know their weak spots, you don't know how to stop them. All you can do is to block them out, ignore them, fight back without a certain plan how.

This war goes on and on. And it weakens you day by day. Day by day you need to do everything to regain some of your energy, wait for better days without your enemy appearing and taking hold of your feelings.

You're at war. Your biggest enemy knows everything about you. It strikes you unknowingly, uncertainly.

Now imagine your biggest enemy is yourself.

"You start a war and you're your own worst enemy." - Bones (NatewantstoBattle)

#survivor #depression #bipolar #war #struggle #myself

[wrongfriendshipsstory]

2 [summer 2015 - new years eve 2015/16]

TW: breakup

Going deeper into my relationship with my boyfriend (addition to that at the end) as well as L and A.

The first few months of that schoolyear were fine. I was a llittle down because I met my boyfriend (longdistance relationship) and went onto a trip with him, and when he was supposed to come back to my place, he became sick. But otherwise I was fine, I was living my new obsession with metal music and had a good start into the new school year. Time passed and L kept nagging me about watching some kpop with me. Showing me songs and people. I gave in and did it, and it was pretty cool actually! I went on a lot of walks and was generally just really grounded and satisfied. Until October. Some day in October my boyfriend suddenly called me on skype to talk to me. It was way more serious than usual... He told me he wanted a break, that some mentally draining things made him feel bad and that he needed time to himself. Putting our relationship on pause. I was devastated, but in denial. I went out for a walk until it was dark and thought about it... Did he break up with me? No. He just wants a break, and I can still talk to him, it’ll be about three months. It’s gonna be okay. But really... I was just a fool back then. I knew that he broke up with me but I held onto that small hope that it’ll be just a break. Time passed and I talked to him less and less until i felt that i’m probably annoying him and stopped. During that time I became more depressed, started randomly crying while thinking about him and were just in a very... comatose state of mind. School was going fine, i went on walks, cried, took time for myself and didn’t (want to) do that many things with L and A. I was thinking a lot (for several months actually) what happend and what drained him and why he decided to break up with me*. I sometimes became randomly sad and annoyed by the smallest things, for example L and A not wanting to do anything with me / not involving me; which was actually my fault because I don’t like watching movies. I cried with them around and they usually didn’t notice. In my more stable/normal phases I would start to obsess with one band, kind of distraacting myself. A and L probably found it annoying (back then I didnt know / didnt notice). The obsessing thing helped to stay sane and not drown completely in sadness and my thoughts. During that time L nagged me more and more with kpop. I thought it might be to keep me occupied and get me more involved in something i already knew about. Anyways. She got me interested in two groups which I learned the names of too. I was not fully into kpop, just interested. Time passed and it was december. My mum did very cute things for us during the christmas time. Christmas and new years eve came. My Sister visited for Christmas and it was very nice and happy. At least on the outside. (It was the last Christmas i celebrated with my family like that...) For New Years eve i invited L over, because she wasn’t doing anything on NewYearsEve. I also asked A, but she declined; she’d be with her family. That NYE (and the days around it) were so funny and fullfilling. L and i shared my bed and usually sat on it and watched videos. Mainly kpop. That night she pushed me into the kpop fandom. Though I was slightly annoyed because I couldn’t show her videos, because she’d never pay attention or let me... but it was fine. I knew how she was so it would be normal like that, right? Anyways, we found a song that reminded me so much of my ex, at least the lyrics. I started crying while reading the lyrics, because it suddenly made so much more sense why he broke up with me. L didn’t know what to do, obviously, but she told me to stop crying and that she doesn’t want my ex-boyfriend hurting me like that. At that moment it was the first time I stopped crying because I was sort of ... taken aback. It didn’t sound comforting but more like a command. But it made me stop crying. So I thought it’s fine, at least I stopped crying. The night went on with kpop until 4 in the morning when we went to sleep. She went back home the day after.

[Addition: *I don’t know if I find an opportunity again to write it, so I’ll just do it right now and here. So here a quick summary why my boyfriend broke up with me: I don’t know what made him think about me like that and actually become my boyfriend. But I realized that I started to open up even more, maybe even dangerously much more. I talked to him every time I felt depressed (which I did a lot, because it was during the time when I often felt bad because of my first year roommates), and I wouldn’t let anything cheer me up. That happend a lot, but I didn’t realize. I was too depressed for him. And my mindset used to be: My depression will ease / fade when I have a boyfriend (Which is absolutely NOT true.). So I thought i wasnt so depressed anymore, but I still was. In addition to that, I ... had a way too high sex-drive. I’ve been dirty minded for a long time at that point, and being given the chance to actually try it out for real, that’d be amazing and made my mind cloudy. Every time we met, i wanted so much from him, but I never noticed that he might not want to. The first times we met, it was okay, but months after the breakup I noticed... during the last few times we met, he was different. He didn’t seem interested, maybe even.. annoyed. Especially the last time (at the trip) when we would’ve had all the opportunity. Even his mum seemed to be annoyed by me at times, which still breaks my heart...I’m so sorry M...Thank you for having taken so good care of me... One thing that took me probably the longest to get over, was: On the way back from the trip, I already suspected/knew, it would be the last time we’d meet up. He felt sick and wandered off to get something to drink, when i found him, I kissed him, but he didn’t kiss back. I was so worried about him and then there was this one thought: “What if this is our last kiss?” And it was. It was our last kiss and I knew it at that time already and I remember it perfectly. ... Additionally i think I mightve been too young for him? When I visited that one time he took me with him to meet some of his friends (really hard thing for me because new people and everything was REALLY hard for me at that time) and it was nice but... I felt that slight feeling of awkwardness from him by having me with him. Also he had a really, really good friend that he told me about. That she went something really bad and he comforts her a lot but she’s getting better. Maybe she was also a reason, because I think he was able to actually help her and I can imagine that she was able to show him gratefulness for it. I think they’re together now too. So I started to understand why he broke up. It wasn’t his fault, no, definitely not. And I am convinced that it was ... maybe not 100% but mostly my fault. I haven’t fully accepted it yet, I still hate myself a little bit for it.

**Funfact: I kept one of his shirt and a few of his CDs, in hope he’d have to contact me to get it back. I still have them! my brother found the shirt when we moved, and he was like: I found something of you! and I just looked at him very ... helpless, because I didn’t know what to do. Then my mum came and told my brother (not directly) and my brother said: Oh if I would’ve known that, I would’ve immediatly thrown it away. I’ll take care of it. That was the first time I had this feeling of protective big brother and it was amazing.]

There was a break that made me instable, weak enough to fall down that staircase, breaking more things while I was falling. Ropes were thrown at me which I helplessly accepted. It was something to hold on, but I didn’t know it would drag me down even more in the end.

#tw: breakup #breakup #abuse #mental abuse #survivor

[wrongfriendshipsstory]

Addition [12/2/18]

Today I saw photos of the whole class I used to be in (before I had to stop going to school for a year because of what happend), they took them this morning... it’s kinda squeezing my heart to see it...

#addition #120218

[wrongfriendshipsstory]

1 [Prologue? Summary of pre 2011 - summer 2015]

tw: mention of suicide, depression and bullying, and at the very end mention of scars

Just to summarize some things, so you know what happend before those things. I will leave out a lot of things (like friends during those times, etc.) that are not that important. Ever since I was born we lived in a very weird situation. My siblings and I were mainly brought up by my mum who did EVERYTHING (gaining money, take care of us, bring us to school, as well as “translate” between us and my father, who is very manipulative and ... it’s hard to explain). My father was mainly engaged with our neighbours family and often didn’t care about us, and when he did, he forced his interests onto us. In 2008 both my siblings (who I had a very good connection to) moved out (and far away) and they were gone suddenly. My mum became depressed (it got worse later, for reasons that are not important here). Anyhow. I started at a new school in summer 2010, the first year was fine but it got worse in 2011. I started being bullied. It was mainly passive bullying (exclusion) but it grew into bullying with verbal and partially physical components. Those were the worst times for me, I was very depressed and even suicidal. I hated myself and I believed my family did too (I remembered some things my siblings said when I was younger; blaming me for the arguments of our parents, saying that I was an acciedent, etc.). 2012 was by far the worst year, but luckily I was saved by a song, which also made me stronger. But the bullying wouldn’t stop ofc. It just went back to mainly passive bullying. In 2013 I did an IQ test and it was extremely good. I needed to go to a different school because I was just ... bored at the school I was currently going to. Later that year I started therapy at a psychologist (for half a year), who helped me resolve the issue with the “family hate”; which was actually a misunderstanding (mainly caused by my father (who was the one saying those things)). We found a (boarding) school that I could go to, because of my boredom at school. That boardingschool is a bit harder and specialized in certain subjects (science for example), which i really liked. After i got accepted at that school, I was in a very “fuck you” mood at school. I didn’t care about bullies, I didn’t care about teachers who didn’t like me, I would be gone anyways in a few months. It was a very good feeling. (Note: Just one extremely hurtful thing happend during that time, someone I called “friend” told me to go kill myself after I made fun of some “special effects” in an educational documentary we watched in biology class.......) In summer 2014 I started going to said boarding school. It was a crazy expierence and I loved it. Sadly, I had to share my room with 5(!) other people (it is the biggest room at that school...). In the beginning I didn’t mind, but obviously it got a bit harder later that year, but it was still fine, I was happy. There was only one thing that really hurt me... I used to love singing and do it a lot. Even join a choir forum for japanese songs (mainly Vocaloid) to make videos/sing together. During that year my roommates kept telling me to shut up because I wouldn’t sing right, but they’d keep singing. They’d tell me I was annoying because I started practicing playing bass, and my humming/singing was off. Ever since that I completely stopped singing. I don’t sing anymore at all (no birthday songs, no school song, etc.), even today, I don’t plan on singing again, I don’t even sing to myself when I’m alone. (Note: Something similiar happend before that, I can’t pinpoint the time anymore, but it was basically the same and it took me a lot to start up again.) In march 2015 I had my first actual boyfriend. He’s a friend of mine I knew from the internet and met a few times before. He came to visit for my birthday and yea... I was really really happy and talked a lot about him obviously. My roommates wre annoyed by that too. (Note: One girl that lived in that room, had a boyfriend and she wouldn’t stop talking about that and it seemed to be fine, also another girl had a boyfriend at school for 3 months and wouldn’t shut up either, and neither would she shut up about the crushes she had. Nowadays we laugh about the crushes tho.) In may 2015 we had to choose new rooms and who we wanted to share a room with. I had a very very good friend, let’s name her A, and we wanted a 2-person room to share. In June 2015 the room-coordinator talked to us and told us, we’d have to take in another person, because a new person would join the class, and either we take the new person, a person we did not like that much, or a girl that I shortly before that befriended because I know (at that point didn’t really like tho) K-Pop. I’ll be naming her L. So we had the choice: new student we didn’t know, someone we didn’t like that much (and A shared a room with the past year and said: NO PLEASE NOT) or L. We choose L.

After summer break 2015, I shared a room with A and L.

And that is where the first, small domino fell. The one piece that will cause a huge chain of events, which would eventually tear me and my mental health into pieces, and leave me and my body with scars. Or maybe not? Maybe it was just the setting, for all kind of events and past events to combine and unknowingly push me down a staircase into a trap that would eventually destroy me.

#story #survivor #past #tw #bullying #mention of suicide #depression #school #C #L #A #pre summer 2015 #1 #part 1

[wrongfriendshipsstory]

0 [Exposition?]

My name is C. I go to a boarding school / college(?). My age is unimportant, let’s just say I’m barely adult. I will talk about something really hard, to cope with it. All that happend in the timespan of summer 2015 until summer/autumn 2017. So I will be writing about ~2 years. But I will start a bit earlier to explain the settings. I will try my best to put the accurate dates/time into the title of every post. I’ll try to make it chronologically accurate, but I’m pretty sure I’ll throw in things inbetween that happend at a different time. I’ll be mainly writing from my point of view, only rarely throwing in some objective or other points of view. I will give every person/character a one letter name. If you need a cheat-sheet with the “names” and roles they play / explaination who they are, let me know and I will write one.

Feel free to send in asks.

Trigger warnings are in the blog description!