tarpitbell

[tarpitbell]

8:25

"I want you to get to school on time"

It's the last damn week before finals.

I fucking hate shit

#audrey/kellie's rambles

[tarpitbell]

4:50

"I can get worried at times"

I know.

I fucking know

I fucking know you get worried.

Sometimes I wonder why though.

"what are you up to??"

I'm alive.

Isn't that enough?

I'm living.

Isn't that what you all care for?

You don't want me dead.

You want me alive.

I'm alive.

That's enough, right?

"thank you (irl name)"

For what?

I'm just here.

How am I, helping?

How am I helpful?

Your not.

Mom's not.

No one's helpful!

So how AM I HELPFUL??

"have you been smiling?"

I'm not.

I'm scowling.

Im having a straight line of a mouth.

You care for little things.

You can't just come into my life and start being nice to me.

You just can't!

You can't!

You just can't be nice to me.

You can't

Actually stop being nice to me.

Stop trying to be a father to me.

Just stop it.

Please just stop it

#audrey/kellie's rambles #anger vent #i dont care #daddy issues

[tarpitbell]

[tarpitbell]

[tarpitbell]

3:55

🕷️🌸🦚💞💞

I remember that I have a picture saved.

Smth smth, having a garden of flowers = thinking of you

Well,

Now all of my flowers have dried up the moment,

We had to fall.

My garden is nothing but misery.

Doll eyes, black bats..

Who knows.

But... The pretty roses are now doll eyes.

Only remaining ones are all dried.

Rotten.

Makes me feel sick sometimes.

It's like they are trying to kill me again.

Make me shake.

Make me shake.

But I was too much.

Yet,

I will still remember you.

I will still love you.

You, the thought of you, helped me calm down when I was scared.

But now I'm scared.. or just nervous to even think of you.

You who once made my heart filled, now made a new crack.

Made me worse.

But of course! For your comfort, and with the knowledge you had, you wanted to break it off ...

When I was going to tell you I had discord so we can talk there again...

It had to be cut.

Snapping at my flowers.

Overflowing water.

No Sun

#🕷️🌸🦚💞💞 #ex boyfriend #audrey/kellie's rambles #ex lover #breakup #im still hung up on it. im so fucked up ... #flowers & garden as a metaphor for love #yeah .... #might be unhealthy of me to still think of this. but...

[tarpitbell]

I WASN’T A BAD DOG

I WAS A SCARED DOG

#⚡🔥🐍👾

[tarpitbell]

[tarpitbell]

do you ever get scared that you’re unintentionally toxic or draining to be around, like you’re the bad guy

[tarpitbell]

1:59

I don't know what or why but whenever Mom is like. With us downstairs ...

I don't even have the energy TO EAT.

I don't have the energy for anything whenever she's here.

"I didn't do anything to deserve this shitty treatment"

Abandonment.

You don't even think of that.

We are mature enough to know what you think is interesting. We knew it all BEFORE YOU.

Smth smth. I know you don't deserve it, but you .. practically brought it up on yourself?

I don't know how to say it.

But..

Yeah. I think you practically brought onto yourself.

It's not my fault I was born this way.

Oh now your gonna say stuff of like "we choose what we do".

But you believe in a God that has a set out plan.

You believe in a God, that makes us for a reason.

We actually don't have a choice no matter what you say.

"we choose" is a silly thing.

Government is a bitch.

God is a bitch.

They have us be a little and tiny servant.

Nothing of a human.

We don't get to choose what we do if it's already set out for us.

Because we are made to be a dog or a lamb either way.

"God made you for a reason"

What's the reason, huh?

Tell me!

Tell me, tell me!

What's the reason, huh??

What is it??

What's the reason???

To bear children and be the stereotypical housewife?

What does he have in store for me??

What is the reason he made me the way he did????

He made me. That's what you say sometimes.

Yeah yeah.

I might choose to be like this.

But actually lots of stuff has me set up.

"healthy baby girl" = a normal girl who soon will find love and have a husband when she grows up

"Christian girl" = innocent and sweet. Nothing Evil. No Satan. Becomes an Angel

And all of that. It all actually has expectations

"you're just like your father" = that's crazy

Genes are like that.

I'm half of you, and half of that bastard.

Just in a different font.

I wanted to eat actually.

But I don't have the energy anymore.

I want her to leave..

Because I'm so fucking used to an empty house with no mother in it

I'm so fucking used to the fact that you leave us for so long that when you are back I just want to sleep

But then again.

Maybe I'm just in a depressive mood in this month.

Because I'm really not having the best month ever

So maybe I'm just complaining.

But I don't think I'm ever having the choice for anything I do

Because this all feels like instinct.

It feels like it should happen and it does happen.

Because it's how my genes work and affect my whole life

#audrey/kellie vents #anger vent #mental health #mommy issues #religious trauma #: Tiny bit? #tw religion #⚡🔥🐍👾

[tarpitbell]

Today just feels so fake

I know I just woke up

But it feels so fake

Like. It doesn't feel like a Friday

I hate being alive...

#i hate being alive #audrey/kellie's rambles #school day #i promised my teachers I'll be back today as well. #how am i supposed to tell them of me being likely depressed or smth??? #i hate myself

[tarpitbell]

My stomach hurts so bad

I don't want to leave my bed

I just need to sleep again

#audrey/kellie's rambles

[tarpitbell]

[tarpitbell]

Can we please make "I'm depressed" a valid reason to out-of-the-blue fall off the face of the earth?

I'm not busy.

I'm not tired.

My plate isn't full.

I'm not swamped with work.

I don't have a cold or flu.

I'm not laying awake at night. (But I am sleepy throughout the day.)

Nothing tragic or traumatic has happened.

I nor anyone I know or work with is going through anything.

You didn't do or say anything wrong.

But I'm not sad, either. I'm not homesick or in mourning. I'm not angry at anyone or anything.

Nothing is wrong...

I just woke up and suddenly being alive sucked, eating became a dumb idea and nothing mattered. I canceled training for the next two weeks, making up a lie, saying I'd be out of town on business.

And I have no other explanation for that, but I don't [can't] say anything because the word "depression" might as well be "itchy" to some people.

"Here, have a mango. You like mangos, right? This should cheer you up!" But I'm not sad.

"Just think happy things!" But I'm not sad.

"Did something happen? You know you can always talk to me!" About what? I'm not sad.

It'll go away just as it came: on its own.

How long it'll stay in my system this time is anyone's guess.

[tarpitbell]

[tarpitbell]

i feel so tired and exhausted i don’t feel real at all atp. the only thing im feeling rn is emptiness

[tarpitbell]

the things I hate most in this world are myself and the fact that I’m still alive.

[tarpitbell]

Wind Breaker by Nii Satoru