thegreatmingus

[thegreatmingus]

if i were a character in a video game, my power-ups would look as follows:

Watered down McDonald's Hi-C: Health potion

Carnation instant breakfast: Rage meter

McChicken: Unlocks dual-wield

White fish and potato cat food: Mana potion

#mingusposting #food stim #return #wizard things

[thegreatmingus]

open the window. let the fog in. breathe deep or breathe fast. it doesn't matter. it'll get you regardless.

#mingusposting #fog

[thegreatmingus]

i want justice for all the people who shove their glasses up on their nose, raise their finger in the air, and announce to everyone at the friendsgiving they were accidentally invited to that it is, in fact, more environmentally friendly and economical to piss directly down the sink. people can be so judgmental...

#mingusposting #sink pissing #hygiene #just rinse it down

[thegreatmingus]

lil kids are such shit liars. they'll be like "a sniper fires off a gunshot at the funeral in chapter 1." and say it as if i won't know that's a 100% complete load of shit.

#mingusposting #teaching #illiterate

[thegreatmingus]

iunno if the texture of my oothbrush is perfrect or the two beers i pounded before i brushed my teeth but this has been the most fun two minutes i've ever spent in a bathroom

#mingusposting #hygiene #floss #dentist questions

[thegreatmingus]

one of my students asked me if i dress up for saint patrick's day. i told her no, and she prodded, "not even those little green hats?" i said nah and moved on.

i was confused until a few minutes later when i realized they thought i'm a fucking leprechaun because i'm short and my beard is red.

#mingusposting #i'm a leprechaun now #fiddle tee hee #lucky charms

[thegreatmingus]

not many people have the care to pop all the bubbles on the bubble wraps. it takes a lot of time and effort to go through and make sure they're all done. they usually go hog wild and give up once the popping's done.

not me though. i make sure they're all popped. gotta pop em all i say. it's a little like pokemon, but with bubble wrap. i've never beaten a pokemon game or caught them all or even played a pokemon game, but i assume the premise is the same but with little monsters instead of fun packing bubbles.

i'd never know though because there's no fun popping noise.

#mingusposting #bubble wrap #pokemon #gotta pop em all

[thegreatmingus]

skipping over the shark page in my zoobook because wtf of he funking gets meee:(

#mingusposting #scary #zoobooks #sharks

[thegreatmingus]

god i wanna be covrrd in barbercue sauce like a sickly old oil baron whose laborers just dug up the ancient remains of a buried vat of radioactive mcdonalds sauce.

#mingusposting #rip ronald #the clown this time not he reagans one #he were a clown tho #but not like with makeup #sauce

[thegreatmingus]

jews dig a tunnel and it's national news, but i dig a tunnel and suddenly my basement is flooded with septic waste and my mom is pissed.

there's something going on here, and i'm gonna get to the bottom of it. no amount of raw sewage is gonna stop me.

i'll let everyone know my findings after mom hoses me off in the backyard.

#mingusposting #tunnel life #man in the septic #mom says i have to use the hose #shower is too dirry now

[thegreatmingus]

more people need to make music that encourages me to do all the things i'm too sopping wet and pathetic to do via my own volition

#mingusposting

[thegreatmingus]

ass so big i call it the rumpus room

#mingusposting

[thegreatmingus]

*stomp stomp stomp*

**WHO DARES TRESPASS MY DOMAIN**

#mingusposting #trespassing

[thegreatmingus]

this hpv riddled bug chaser had the audacity to call me a hoe. some people...

#mingusposting #warts

[thegreatmingus]

freebird this freebird that. brother you ain't lived till you drunk drive listening to caramelldansen.

#mingusposting #legal advice #common law #the freebird defense

[thegreatmingus]

creating a 3d render of my balls that's fully rigged for shrinkage that way the scientists of the future don't forget where they came from

#mingusposting #roots #balls.obj

[thegreatmingus]

let he who has not shitted cast the first fart

#mingusposting #deuteronomy 27:21 #sacrifice jerry to the old gods on a pillar of salt #seinfeld