transcendingtospace

[transcendingtospace]

Quick post

16th March 2024

Been off testosterone since December (I forgot actually) as I have moved back to my home country. I’m also on the waitlist for trans healthcare through the public route because its cheaper than private. My first appointment is this July and I hope it all goes well.

Since I consider my transition complete (read previous entry) I’m considering a lower dose for maintenance. I’m also considering maybe just maybe freezing my eggs.

I’m not sure how it will all go this July but I’m impatient and I can’t wait hahaha

btw if the formatting is weird, its because I’m typing this on my phone

#ftm #lgbt #transgender #asian ftm #female to male #filipino lgbt #transman #filipino #trans man #pinoy lgbt #lgbtq #top surgery #lgbtqiia+ #lgbtqia

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Being nostalgic in 2024

Happy new year! I know I'm 9 days late but its better late than never right?

I scrolled all the way down to my first post here and it shows that I created this side blog back in 2016 (Christmas eve actually) I vaguely remember why I created this side blog but all I remember was it didn't really match the ✨aesthetic✨I had going on in @siubau and @milkai-way .

That was also the time I was having my Christmas break after experiencing my first semester in university. It was only that time after graduating high school and entering uni as a freshman was when I really started thinking about myself, who I wanted to be, and how I wanted to be perceived. I probably didn't think about all those things because I was pretty much constrained in an all girls high school and I didn't have time to think about things like that.

I don't know where I am in my transition but maybe I'm done? I'm already perceived as male socially. In the medical side, come May this year I will be 5 years on T and 3 years post top surgery by September. I'm not actively thinking about other surgeries at the moment and I'm okay with that. Maybe that's why I have been inactive here because I'm "done" transitioning☹️ other than life getting in the way

I'm stealth too, well partially stealth. I don't introduce myself as trans immediately when I meet someone new. But if they find out, I'm not going to hide it. When I scrolled all the way down to my first few posts, I can see how different I was before. Not to say that people stay the same all the time throughout the years.

Back then I was more open about being trans and to use he/him pronouns both in social media and in personal but that was to make sure people I meet do not misgender me as I was pre-everything. I identified as genderfluid/non binary with (s)he/they pronouns for a few years that time until 2018 because that's what I thought I was,

I don't know how to end this post and I don't know where this is all going. Maybe all I'm saying is I'm trying to be active here again despite life coming in my way hahaha

Hope 2024 will be good to all of us!

#ftm #lgbt #transgender #asian ftm #female to male #transman #trans guy #trans man #pinoy #pinoy lgbt #filipino #filipino lgbt #asian lgbt #stealth #top surgery #testosterone #trans hrt #ftm hrt

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I’m a cis-gender man which basically means that, when I was born, the doctor went “It’s a boy!” and when I was old enough to understand I agreed with him.

The thing is, I don’t know why I feel like a man.  I was teased and bullied for it a lot when I was little.  I’ve never had stereotypically American male interests.  I never cared about sports or cars or guns.  I was more interested in music and cooking and the arts.  I’ve always been emotionally in tune and sensitive, even when I did my best to suppress my emotions to survive a childhood of abuse from other children.

It’s not physical either.  I don’t feel like a man because I have a penis or a beard.  If you put my brain in a robot body or any other body, my essence would still feel male (I assume).  I literally can’t imagine what being any other gender would feel like, since I feel so acutely male.

I think that’s why the concept of being transgender always made sense to me.  I’m a man.  I don’t have any bloody clue why I feel like a man, but I don’t feel that it’s tied to my body or my interests or the way that I’ve been treated.  I feel like a man because of something beyond that.  Something ephemeral.  So, why couldn’t others feel the same?  Why couldn’t a person who’s been misidentified as a girl feel like a boy for the exact same nebulous reasons that I do?

And, since gender really doesn’t make any sense to me anyway, why couldn’t there also be people who feel as if they don’t have one?  Or who flow across genders like a ship on a map?

Are there people out there whose sense of their own gender is inseparable from their physical form?  If you put those people into robot bodies or, simply, other physically different bodies, would their gender identity also swap?  If so, why?  Are they actually more lost in their gender identity than I am and they need to hone in on the physical in order to anchor themselves?

Why do people feel like they are the gender that they are?

[transcendingtospace]

Ph. Gerardo Vizmanos

[transcendingtospace]

Exploring my SOGIE throughout the years

17th April 2023

Been busy with life lately. I wanted to do something about National Coming Out Day but I didn't know how because it was a journey (and still is!) This is just my experience coming to terms with my sexual orientation, gender identity, and gender expression (SOGIE)

I first came out to my parents on National Coming Out Day when I was 15 back in 2013. I wrote a letter, handed it to my mom before going to school, then my parents talked about it that following night. I wrote that I am bisexual even though I really had no idea what I am. The coming out wasn't even planned. I got grounded for using my phone too much and not acknowledging when my parents arrived home. My dad confiscated my phone and told me to tell me what I was so busy talking about with my friends. Alas we were talking about LGBTQ things. So I had no choice but to come out. My parents took it neutrally saying that as the years go by, my experiences and encounters will affect and shape the way I think of myself.

TL;DR my SOGIE will change so don't think about it too much and just keep going on

I didn't really dwell on it until I turned 18 and went to college. That's when I suddenly started thinking about how I would like to be perceived. I knew that the option to undergo hormones was available at that time. I just didn't know if I was exactly ready just yet. There was also a lingering thought of being other gender identities aside from transgender. I experimented with non binary and gender fluid but those identities did not resonate with me as much. It took me another 2 to 3 years to come to term with my identity as a transgender man.

#sogie #ftm #lgbt #transgender #asian ftm #female to male #filipino lgbt #trans #ftm transguy

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NO WAR

Moon (Mar. 8, 2023)

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many things going on and I can't be bothered to follow the format of my previous entries hahaha

13th February 2023

Last month, I scheduled myself to finally have a psychiatry appointment. Its the public route, that's why advanced scheduling is needed. I dragged my feet waiting and my appointment is one week away. I am so nervous. This isn't in any relation to being trans. This is really just to clear my mind off of some certain things.

My last psychiatry appointment was 2 years ago. I really am long overdue for another I have been feeling awful. I can't afford antidepressants (hoping that I can acquire a PWD ID for that)

First month of the year didn't start out well for me and its been haunting me and making me question my worth. i am now dwelling and dreading about it. I also have been overeating out of boredom. In a way, I feel like I do not even know what to do anymore. Not saying that I don't know what to do with my life. More like "I don't know what I will do tomorrow" and "I don't know if I enjoy the things I love to do because I feel very demotivated right now"

good luck to me maybe

#trans #female to male #transgender #transition #asian ftm #ftm #ftm transguy #trans man #filipino lgbt #lgbt #lgbtqiia+

[transcendingtospace]

Munich, Germany.

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In the drafts

27th December 2022

Well, now that I have some time and a new job that is more flexible with my schedule, I can come back to this blog! I have some posts that I saved in my drafts from since 2021 hahaha I will revise it before posting. Spoiler, its my coming out story.

Ask me anything!

my ask is open! I'm open to questions. It can be anything, not necessarily related to LGBTQ topics

#ftm #lgbt #lgbtq #transgender #asian ftm #transman #pinoyftm #pinoy

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Hi I’m a Filipino trans masc teen and I felt so happy when I discovered this blog :)) I hope the rest of your journey goes well!!

Thank you very much for your kind words! I didn't expect that at all when I started this blog. I apologize for inactivity on my end as well, I'll try my best to keep it going

[transcendingtospace]

psa: trans boys are 100% valid and cute and handsome and also the best ever

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Where have I been?

20th June 2022

It has been an year since I last typed an entry. I don't have a large following at all but to those who do not know, I write about my experience as a Pinoy transgender man living and medically transitioning in Asia.

For the most part, I was lazy (whoops). I delved into other platforms to share bits and pieces of me (Youtube, Instagram, Vent app) and I even did it the old fashioned way by writing it pen and paper to myself.

I graduated university. I got top surgery. I lived life. Had ups and downs. So much has been going on.

I was thinking how do I start writing again but I guess it will just come naturally. I was burnt out at first but I'll pick up where I left off and try again.

Cheers

#asian ftm #ftm #ftm transguy #female to male #lgbt #lgbtq #transgender #filipino #pinoyftm #trans guy #trans #transition #trans man #transman

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HRT and emotions

13th July 2021

Emotional changes is an effect of HRT. It is something I knew that was going to happen. I just did not know how it was going to happen.

When I was 2 months on T, that's when I felt some sort of boulder that is stopping any sort of emotion flowing out of me (one of my close friends calls this "emotional constipation") I was not able to cry. I wanted to cry but I could not cry at all. All that came out was a few teardrops trickling down my cheek.

I thought that was the end of it after I reached 1 year. I really thought hitting the 1 year mark means that I have reached my peak. Boy, I was wrong. I need to keep reminding myself that although there are major changes reaching 1 year, changes go a long way. I will be changing throughout the years, decades perhaps.

That is when I was reaching 2 years on T. I was able to cry again, buckets of tears. Not only that, but my anger intensified. I get angry alongside frustrated for the little inconveniences. Just recently I raged when the clothes hanger kept falling to the floor when I hung my clothes onto it after doing the laundry. I just slammed the hanger on the floor and just gave up.

These emotions are overwhelming. I'm trying to find ways to keep it under control.

#ftm #lgbt #lgbtq #transgender #asia #asian ftm #trans guy #trans man #transition #trans

[transcendingtospace]

from a tatooed man to a guiness video to this here penis. oh youtube.

either way i’m glad i found it cuz there’s nothing like this anywhere in relation to phallo and this closely relates. so here you can see how to inflate and deflate the prosthetic which is actually pretty cool.

[transcendingtospace]

I’m a cis-gender man which basically means that, when I was born, the doctor went “It’s a boy!” and when I was old enough to understand I agreed with him.

The thing is, I don’t know why I feel like a man.  I was teased and bullied for it a lot when I was little.  I’ve never had stereotypically American male interests.  I never cared about sports or cars or guns.  I was more interested in music and cooking and the arts.  I’ve always been emotionally in tune and sensitive, even when I did my best to suppress my emotions to survive a childhood of abuse from other children.

It’s not physical either.  I don’t feel like a man because I have a penis or a beard.  If you put my brain in a robot body or any other body, my essence would still feel male (I assume).  I literally can’t imagine what being any other gender would feel like, since I feel so acutely male.

I think that’s why the concept of being transgender always made sense to me.  I’m a man.  I don’t have any bloody clue why I feel like a man, but I don’t feel that it’s tied to my body or my interests or the way that I’ve been treated.  I feel like a man because of something beyond that.  Something ephemeral.  So, why couldn’t others feel the same?  Why couldn’t a person who’s been misidentified as a girl feel like a boy for the exact same nebulous reasons that I do?

And, since gender really doesn’t make any sense to me anyway, why couldn’t there also be people who feel as if they don’t have one?  Or who flow across genders like a ship on a map?

Are there people out there whose sense of their own gender is inseparable from their physical form?  If you put those people into robot bodies or, simply, other physically different bodies, would their gender identity also swap?  If so, why?  Are they actually more lost in their gender identity than I am and they need to hone in on the physical in order to anchor themselves?

Why do people feel like they are the gender that they are?

[transcendingtospace]

Hey I don't mean to get too personal, but are you seeing a therapist/are you on any medications in tandem with your hormone treatments? If not id highly suggest going that route because depression and anxiety are highly common in trans people and it's difficult to manage them without guided help. Im almost 2 years on T and I just wanna wish you the best of luck with getting through this. It gets better, I promise

I'm so sorry I only saw this now huhu. I'm trying to see if I can see a therapist because my current psychiatrist has been super busy lately unfortunately. Therapy appointments where I live is really cheap and I'm unsure if medical insurance covers it.

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Desperate changes

30th March 2021

I decided to change surgeon.

I made my decision because of frustration and exhaustion. Not going to get too into detail. But let's just say that I feel like I'm going nowhere.

My previous surgeon said he can perform peri areolar on me. Ideally, this surgeon does not perform double incision unless the chest area is too large.

Which is what got my hopes up. I've always thought that all I'm qualified for was D.I, but when the hope came up that I can get peri, I was estatic. Especially since I am a bit stealth.

That was April 2020.

Given the pandemic and what has been going on in my life. I feel like I was in a never ending cycle. The first surgeon referred me to an endo and the endo has a bunch of things I need to get done. In my previous post, I mentioned doctors being confused why I needed pap smears and transrectal pelvic ultrasounds just for a breast removal surgery.

As a matter of fact, I spent almost a year trying to get my endo clearance for this particular surgeon.

I know I should not compare my transition journey with others. But I have become desperate. I am exhausted mentally and physically with the chest pain I get from binding. Jealous. Perhaps I'm being selfish as well in the eyes of other people.

Sometimes I also forget that my main priority is to have those horrible things removed off my chest. Instead, I was so drawn into having no visible scars that it seems like that became my priority.

I will learn to love my scars. It's battle scars. A reminder of how far I've gone in discovering myself.

#ftm #asian ftm #lgbt #lgbtq #transgender #female to male #filipino lgbt #ftm transgender #ftm transition #lgbtqa