trashcanfangirl

[trashcanfangirl]

I like it when people lie! Lying is man’s only privilege over all other organisms. If you lie—you get to the truth! Lying is what makes me a man. Not one truth has ever been reached without first lying fourteen times or so, maybe a hundred and fourteen, and that’s honorable in its way; well, but we can’t even lie with our own minds!

Fyodor Dostoevsky, Crime and Punishment

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illustrations by skip liepke for wuthering heights

[trashcanfangirl]

So like, I'm pretty darn sure Mo Xuanyu did not actually make a pass at Jin Guangyao.

For several reasons, like for one thing hitting on your own actual brother who is also your boss is genuinely insane behavior, in a way nothing else we know about the guy actually matches, other than his reputation for being crazy which mostly seems to originate from the same point as the sexual harassment allegations. which tracks because even with rampant societal homophobia, that's such a crazy thing to do people would question it if it didn't come paired with the information that he's insane.

Then there's the fact that if that had actually happened, there's basically no way master spin artist jgy would have let it get out, because actually experiencing that would trigger his sense-of-uncleanliness issues so hard.

But what we see is that somehow Everyone Knows that it happened, but also that Jin Guangyao totally didn't tell anyone, because he's too merciful and kind and respectable. It just mysteriously leaked somehow that this private scandal happened.

(Also, to step up a meta level, the gay goth kid who was never quite accepted into his own family and wound up self-destructing was in fact guilty of the homophobic allegations spread by the powerful man who manipulates reputation for personal advantage? This is not the kind of story where that would be true. The thematic dissonance is too much.)

The only way it's believable that mxy made a move on jgy is if jgy spent a long time maneuvering him into it, hinting and deniably flirting and just generally being maximum skeeze, just a huge elaborate incestuous honeypot, just to bait a 'ruined reputation' trap. Which makes no sense at all.

I don't think jgy is necessarily above that kind of creepy grooming behavior but I do think he would hate it, and definitely wouldn't resort to it when sowing rumors would work just as well. and expose him to less risk.

So Mo Xuanyu didn't do it.

So what we've got is that Jin Guangyao systematically obliterated this kid's credibility.

No one would listen to anything he said after being expelled in that sort of context, especially anything against Jin Guangyao, whom he now has obvious motive to smear. This was a preemptive strike against some kind of leak.

It's exactly the kind of thing jgy would do--it targets individual vulnerability, leverages the weak points in Mo Xuanyu's reputation into gaping chasms, in a way that associates jgy with scandal but makes him personally look better. also shows signs of jgy projecting his own issues onto others. The MO fits.

And his motive is easy to construct: Mo Xuanyu had had access to his secrets, such as Wei Wuxian's manuscripts and probably a lot of the other ugly shit. And Jin Guangyao needed him silenced, due to some thing or other, but as with SiSi didn't want to have to kill him.

(A fascinating thing about jgy as a villain is the moments where he yields to sentiment pretty consistently contribute to his destruction.)

But then we come around to: so why didn't Mo Xuanyu sic Wei Wuxian on Jin Guangyao, then?

In cql wwx does have a curse cut for jgy, to keep him in the plot and create an additional open storyline to resolve, since viewers are gonna be denied romantic catharsis, but in cql the homophobia plotline isn't there because all the gay is censored, and mxy allegedly hit on qin su instead. which is less utterly unhinged to do though still big wtf.

In the book, mxy summoned the Yiling Patriarch just to kill the Mos. (Which he didn't even do lmao.)

So I've always been sort of poking at that, like if you're destroying your own soul to get revenge, why spare the person who deliberately ruined your life?

Even if he had done the thing, it was weird! Maybe even weirder; if you're in a headspace where making sexual advances anyone should be able to predict are unwelcome seems like a good idea in the first place, there's a pretty good chance getting punished for them isn't going to make you think you were in the wrong. Otoh there is a zone where he could have done it, gotten the backlash, cleared his head a bit, realized it was fucked up to do, and therefore not held a grudge in that particular direction, but it's still weird. (And also he definitely didn't do the thing.)

But if he was so angry, why was he not angry at Jin Guangyao? Who definitely kicked him out of the Sect, all else aside?

And then I looked at the passage in Jin sect where we swap to Jin Ling's pov and he tells us one of the few first-hand things we hear about Mo Xuanyu: He thought Jin Guangyao was the most amazing person in the whole world. He adored him.

And being betrayed and rejected by him didn't turn that into resentment. Even though he resented the other side of his family enough to want them gratuitously murdered.

So you know what I think happened?

I think Mo Xuanyu thinks it was an honest misunderstanding. That Jin Guangyao, his idol, falsely concluded that his gay little brother was creeping on him based on a misinterpretation of his admiring behavior, and was appropriately revolted. And that Mo Xuanyu doesn't blame him for it. He blames himself.

He went back to his mother's family to rot genuinely feeling like the ruination of his life was his own fault for being creepy. And died like that.

Because of that, to a considerable extent. How can you bend any of your will to saving yourself, to getting out of an abusive situation and seeking a better one, when you don't think you deserve to be saved?

Fucks me up.

[trashcanfangirl]

Suicide attempts are traumatic

I don't hear anyone talking about this. But attempting to take your own life is traumatic.

The moments before the attempt are the most heartbreaking. The planning of it. Writing the suicide notes. You imagine all the pain will stop, but you wake up in the morning in your bed/floor/hospital bed/after a coma. Still alive. The ambulance rides. Your friends/family yelling/crying/asking questions. Trying to find the words to doctors why you did it. All you wanted was for it all to stop, but it was the most heartbreaking, painful both mentally and physically, draining thing you went through. Maybe you woke up with regret, maybe with relief.

But after you get back out in the real world, you have to act like nothing happened. You have to keep living surviving after something so traumatic. You still think about that event over and over. What would it be like if it worked? Why didn't it work? The way you did it, triggers you every time you see that thing/place. You get flashbacks. Ambulances make you re-remember everything all over again.

If you've survived, I'm proud you're still here. You're a survivor. Life might not look like it's worth it sometimes, but your future holds something amazing for you, I promise it does get better. Little by little. Don't give up just yet.

#mental illness #suicide #tw suicide attempt

[trashcanfangirl]

sometimes i like to imagine hirotsu is just the go to guy for crush ranting

like my man will be trying to relax, have a drink, and chuuya will burst in like "can you fucking believe the NERVE of that bastard DAZAI????"

and then after a few hours of that, he'll be like finally, but then higuchi will come in like "akutagawa senpai is so handsome but gin is kind of cool too, i don't know what to-"

and then after a few hours of that, akutagawa will burst in like "THAT DAMNED WERETIGER SMILED AT ME I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO SHOULD I KILL HIM???"

and after a few hours of that

chuuya bursts in again like "WHY IS THAT BASTARD DAZAI'S NEW PARTNER SO TALL AND WHO EVEN GROWS OUT THEIR HAIR LIKE THAT WHY DID DAZAI GET A HANDSOME PARTNER WHY NOT ME"

and after a bit of that akutagawa bursts in again "I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO. I THREATENED THE WERETIGER BUT HE JUST GIGGLED AND NOW I HAVE A DATE"

and then after a few hours of that he tries to relax and tachihara bursts in like "I LIKE GIN DOES THAT MEAN IM GAY"

and after a few hours of that-

[trashcanfangirl]

Atsushi and Dazai out here being all "this isn't you. this isn't us" ...shit doesn't look like it's working i fear i told y'all it's time to switch tactics

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My favourite thing about Bungou Stray Dogs is that at every new chapter / episode I'm like “It can't get any gayer than that”.

And then the next chapter / episode comes and you have to sit through skk having schemed Dostoyevsky's demise together, fukufuku having a 15 minutes long tragic lovers sequence of them reminiscing their past with agony, whatever fyolai has going on (good for them and sorry that happened), sskk six layers of soulmatism / saving each other's lives again / making references only the other could understand / soft smiling / fighting side by side perfectly coordinated,

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Akutagawa: Chuuya-san... I'm in dire need of your advice

Chuuya: My advice? On what

Akutagawa: On love. How did you know you were in love with Dazai-san?

Chuuya:

Chuuya: I'm in love with Dazai?

[trashcanfangirl]

I love how most of the major BSD ships are killing each other right now, but Poe and Ranpo are just out here living their best lives

[trashcanfangirl]

longing

[trashcanfangirl]

bsd as screenshots from my phone (but it’s mostly ao3) part 1

[trashcanfangirl]

Bsd really is THAT story isn’t it? Mafia x detective, enemies to lovers, supernatural powers, gay gay homosexual gay, author au, found family, be gay do crime, french people, uber instincts of uber autism, old man yaoi, cats and no dogs, vampires, clowns, American capitalism, babygirls, twinks, a dragon, furries, the list could go on and on

[trashcanfangirl]

[trashcanfangirl]

ay yo this song is literally soukoku

#soukoku #bsd #bungou stray dogs #Spotify

[trashcanfangirl]

symbolism of Fyodor's injured hand

notice how this hand, in the past few episodes has become a quietly recurring motif?

it was this very hand that he held out to Sigma through which Sigma collected the information,, which left him quite dead/unconscious/whatever.

this hand injury is due to which he asked for someone to drive the helicopter, which lead to the vampire stabbing him and decapitating him.

and then after the blast? it was this hand that was left behind, which Nikolai so tenderly embraced.

now, Fyodor died quoting Jesus, who is one of the figures in the Bible known for his resurrection.

and the other Biblical figure who was resurrected?

Lazarus.

anybody who's read Crime and Punishment (the very name of Fyodor's ability) would be familiar with the overarching symbolism of Lazarus on the character of Raskolnikov. in the Bible Lazarus literally came back to life, and in Crime and Punishment, Raskolnikov of sorts regains his life by confessing and believing in God again. its Sonya's acceptance, forgiveness, and her kindness, that "resurrects" him. just like Jesus resurrected Lazarus.

I think it highly probable that Fyodor is not dead and/or might be "resurrected", by Nikolai or whoever idk.

it is also interesting that Yosano our local angel of resurrection has been suspiciously absent for a while now. could Nikolai perhaps catch hold of her to bring Fyodor back? or could it be that Fyodor escaped the crash because all we saw was the torn off arm. we never saw a body.

I'm also interested to know how Sigma's future might turn out, after touching that hand and all, and being supposedly dead.

and though Sigma did touch Fyodor who's ability so far is known to kill people by a single touch, there was no burst of blood as we've seen his ability inflict on his past victims. so what information did Fyodor give to Sigma that he went into coma?

could this all come back to his hand again in the end?

#bungou stray dogs #bsd #bsd season 5 #bsd dazai #dazai osamu #bsd fyodor #fyodor dostoyevsky bsd #bsd theories #bsd nikolai #bungou stray dogs theory #somebody scream about this with me please

[trashcanfangirl]

they both uncovered their right eye when they lost someone close to them. i'm going to throw up

[trashcanfangirl]

He'll grow back. He just need sunlight and fertilizer.