vsaintsin - Tumblr blog

vsaintsin · 3 hours

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Yes, the knees! I used to w-sit like that all the time as a kid and that's how I would stretch some of the muscles in my legs! Ramble on, Square, because all of this was a really good read for me and I really appreciate you sharing it.

Sometimes it's crazy to me how long I went without realizing that I had an actual issue and how much the general "gaslighting" we'll call it that surrounds hidden issues can influence the things I tell myself in an effort to believe that nothing's wrong with me. For a LONG time I was convinced that the problem wasn't something that I had that could be diagnosed and treated but ME as a person being intolerant of things that everyone could handle. If that makes sense?

It took a lot of little things for me to stop thinking that I was just bendy and that there might be a real problem.

Years ago I worked in a warehouse for a book distributor. Hot, sweaty, and overall not great work, but it was an easy job to pick up during a time when I needed some income. I didn't last long. Not long into any given day the bones inside my hands always seemed to go their own way, rattling about like a bag of potato head parts. An unpleasant, nauseating feeling at best. It got to the point that I was having trouble even moving my hands and I was constantly trying to pop things into place and soothe a pain that I couldn't figure out on my own. Nobody else had this problem though and I live in a part of the states where the people are just built for hard labor so I felt like it was me who was weak somehow, that something was wrong with me as a person, but I could never put two and two together that that could be diagnosable and that something LITERALLY WAS WRONG.

I even met somebody with hEDS at one point and just blinded myself to reality while I was talking to him. He didn't particularly help, I'll say, but that's not something I hold against him. When he was talking to me about it he rolled his ankles so he was standing on the ends of his legs instead of his feet (don't recommend testing this, it's still bad for you). And I was like "Oh, I can do that! How strange!" (I used to have a serious issue with my ankles constantly giving out and twisting and spraining that I just couldn't figure out, I now wear work boots that go above the ankle to prevent this) And he responded with "No you can't do that because that's an orthopedic emergency". Dramatics of the comment aside, I didn't set off to prove him wrong because I knew in that moment that there was nothing I could do to level the conversation, he was set in his opinions and that was that. Even though I went home and tested it that night to prove to myself I wasn't crazy, I still didn't put two and two together because he had so many symptoms that I didn't and I had so many that he didn't. There was just enough gap there that I completely overlooked it.

A less dramatic example was at my last job I would stretch and pull at my body constantly because if I didn't everything would feel stiff and like it was in the wrong place (cue me again somehow not realizing the issue). Bossman finally noticed how far back my fingers would bend if I needed to stretch them out (frequently) and I couldn't bend them that way in front of him anymore of he'd get nauseous, the poor guy. Around then was when I started comparing what I could do to other people more critically. How far back my elbows go, how I never stand with my legs straight but with my knees locked backwards, etc. That was an odd sort of wake-up call to the fact that I wasn't just flexible but loose.

The benefits of being bendy is that I've not sustained much for severe injuries over the course of my life, baffling first-responders after a car accident. I've explained it to people by saying that my expanded range of motion means that my body MOVES out of the way instead of taking any impacts. I feel like I have Bethesda ragdoll effects when things get physical and I've wormed my way out of dangerous situations by being able to just move in ways that nobody is prepared for.

It took social media for me to finally fully face that I might have something that could be managed. MicroCatmachine I believe is her username over on insta does a lot of informative videos about her experience with Chronic Illness and as I was watching I was realizing that she was describing me and that was finally the light bulb that I needed to go "Okay, you're not just a physical fuck-up, you actually have a problem, dude".

Convincing doctors is a whole other conversation. It took a long time to convince the local whacks that I needed a referral and that the issue should be taken seriously. They'd tell me to exercise to strengthen my body, feel better, and cope with the fatigue but when the problem didn't get magically better after that they told me that working out was causing it. Then it was drink more water and eat more salt and when that wasn't a cure-all it was "you're eating too much salt" even though my sodium levels were green. I ran in circles for a while trying to figure out what the hell I could do to appease them before it became a list of demands on my end.

Agh, idk. Nice to talk to somebody who knows I'm not crazy for a second, though. Thank you for that.

Writeblr Re-Intro

Yo! I'm V Saintsin. Or V or Vin or Saintsin or whatever you want to call me that sounds right on your tongue. I'm a self-proclaimed Social Media fumbler who got a late start to the party and has never quite figured it out. I hate how hipster and edgy it sounds to say "I'm bad at social media" but like I used to work with some people who actually managed the social media accounts for the business we worked for and there were rules and whatnot and damn, I think online media is just not my medium. That being said, here I am! Hah

I'm an author and general mess who's hoping to be the miracle man (somebody who makes a living writing silly little stories). I do use a pseudonym but please hear me out when I say I didn't realize how edgy it sounds, it just has some sentimental value to my personal life. I'm so sorry that I sound like I'm in my emo phase HAHA

About me -

He/Him Transguy from the American Midwest (arguably the south, depending on who you talk to, but the older people still say "Sodi-pop" and "ope").

I'm dysautonomic, bendy, permanently sleepy, and a survivor of Crappy Doctors Who Suck At Doctoring.

I like DnD, Pathfinder, Baldur's Gate 3, Cyberpunk, Dragon Age, and other things in that vein.

I do make art of my stories and characters (Tablet is currently not working so I'm in a dry spell).

My writing background is predominantly ancient, dusty RPs from as far back as the foopets days and fanfic writing on Quizilla - I am an old and wizened elder of the net.

My formal education was music performance and behavioral neuroscience, I don't really know how I got where I am.

This is not my first rodeo with tumblr but it is the first time I have anything to SAY instead of just lurking.

In the event of malfunction, you can put me outside for 5 minutes and I'll probably factory reset.

My existence as I know it hinges on a massive number of sticky notes plastered throughout my room.

What I'm lookin' for -

Idk, whatever? I'm down for most things. Did you write it? Cool, let me see. I'm not too bent on genre or anything, just fascinated by the art of storytelling.

A bit tentative with fanfiction but that's just because if it's not a fandom I'm familiar with I am rather clueless about what the hell is going on and if it's a fandom I am familiar with I HUNT DOWN THE DEEP LORE.

I like art a whole lot, including fanart. Also art advice, love seeing things from different perspectives and learning something new.

Mutuals, really, for any reason. Building better connections on here, getting to know people. I am hideously bad at this but I try.

What I write -

Science Fiction with heavy subjects that matter to me - trigger warnings on a story-by-story basis.

High Fantasy (eventually books I think?) characters and their backgrounds for DnD and Pathfinder - I have been tempted to share these to help people get ideas or just for free use?

Things that I delete because I have crippling imposter syndrome and publishing makes me nauseous (doin' it tho).

Stories that I hope will make people feel less alone or that people could relate to, stories that I wish I had when life was worse and I was reaching out for anything I could find to keep me afloat, stories that try to be critical of things that SUCK in a way that's any helpful.

Lots of curse words and cussing (that's just how people talk 'round here), dubious science, things that I hope might make you cry but in a good way though.

Character-Driven stories that revolve more around the development of the person and less around the plot itself if that makes sense.

I've put blurb things below for my primary project/series which features a grumpy, queer, 37-year old chain smoking Frenchman and his misadventures with life and love and unbridled rage. If any of that sounds cool stick around and hang out? (This part is a plug bc I did a thing and I'm proud of it) And if my books sounds interesting the first one is 99 cents on Kindle and you just need a phone and a free app to read it!

THE SECRET OF LIFE (Published) - Sci-Fi/Psychological Thriller, Bi M Lead, Lovers to Enemies, AI but the oldschool cool kind not the real world thing that's stealing our future

Carlisle-Trystan Antoinette is a mercenary on a hard road, navigating life and death itself in an infinite cycle started by powers above his understanding. He has one mission - warn The Dianican Space Station of the coming threat and put a stop to a war that would encapsulate the whole of the Sol System before it can ever begin. Unfortunately for Carlisle, reality is a tenuous thing, made up only by our understanding of it. At least, according to his Psychiatrist, who tells him that there is no war, that he was never a mercenary, and that what Carlisle is experiencing is a severe but manageable psychotic break. Stripped of his combat enhancements, his bio monitor, and everything he's every known, Carlisle has a decision to make. Does he give in to the thoughts and memories, so real that he can almost taste them, or does he live a life of comfort and ease, returning to a husband and daughter that he left behind?

TWs: Domestic and War Violence, suicide, rape, medical trauma, grief, drug use

THE SILENCE OF ANGELS (Due July '24, TSoL 2) - Betrayal and Rage, Learning how to love again slow-burn romantic subplot, Learning how to Dad, A general inability for any one thing to just go right

(Quick Rough Blurb that offers no spoilers for TSoL) Making connections isn't easy for somebody who's accustomed to burning bridges. Isolation has always been Carlisle's mantra for surviving his life. Playing a role comes second nature, pretending to be the man that everyone else wants to see in him. When an old friend is murdered Carlisle finds himself as the primary suspect with all evidence pointing to him so clearly that even he calls to question what he is capable of. Unwilling to believe that he could commit such a heinous crime, Carlisle sets off to find the truth of his friend's death - was Carlisle framed or does he truly have the capacity to bring such harm upon those he loves? Old and new bonds will be tested, faith broken, and the future of everyone called into question as lines are drawn and sides are picked.

TWs: Violence, mentions of SA, graphic character death, more grief, more death

I don't know what else to say... Later!

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vsaintsin · 23 hours

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that feeling of responsibility after you talk out loud about a character for the first time. like oh my god i released him. he's real now. he's loose in the world. i’m a mother

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vsaintsin · 23 hours

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Characters that crumble without any pressure, characters who can only function when the stakes are high and fall apart in normalcy, characters who are so honed into weapons of the narrative that when the narrative slows they are left with nothing

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vsaintsin · 23 hours

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I'm mad at my antipsychotics bc they take away my connection to the universe (we are no longer on speaking terms, sad) but ughhhh they give me BENEFITS which is annoying so I can't justify coming off them. like. oh look at me la di da no hallucinations no paranoia and the ability to actually read books again and concentrate on the written word. I'm full of joy. despicable

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vsaintsin · 1 day

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SQUARE I have to be honest I have NO IDEA if I'm reblogging with your tags attached but I've been tryin' for a minute now and I think I figured it out? Hello!

So yeah, so far the doctors agree that I'm hypermobile but they haven't settled on any particular diagnoses. Recently they've been willing to point toward hEDS but they don't commit well. With luck I'll be able to get in with a specialist soon but that all depends on insurance.

Honestly it took me forever to figure out that my unique flexibility wasn't just a fun perk of my character build but was more than likely a bit of an issue. Bendy body came in handy when I was a kid in gymnastics and I think that went a long way to overlooking the possibility of an issue. Now that I'm older and in control of my own healthcare choices I'm trying to make up for lost time figuring out what odd features of my body are actually just bugs. Getting there one dull doctors visit at a time!

I'm totally fine with questions like that, though. No worries!