what-if-i-dee-eye-do

[what-if-i-dee-eye-do]

woke up as angry again. mil is driving us FUCKING NUTS this is EXHAUSTING

#angry speaking #other #negative #excuse me for thinking there might be the slightest ethical obligation for you to take care of the animal. as the person awake. excuse me #for thinking you might have some ethical obligation to prevent the animal from waking your roommates and neighbors by caring for its needs #excuse FUCKING ME for thinking it's bullshit that EVERY FUCKING DAY I have been barked awake after only a few hours' sleep #I'm so fucking sick of this #next time she rearranges my damn house to neglect the animals I'm starting shit #'her behaviors been so bad lately' BECAUSE YOU ENCOURAGE IT THROUGH NEGLECT ASSHOLE #IM SORRY MY SLEEP SCHEDULE IS GARBAGE SO IM NOT AWAKE DURING THE DAY BUT HOLY SHIT THAT IS NOT AN EXCUSE TO IGNORE A LIVING BEINGS NEEDS #OR TO IMPINGE ON THE NEEDS OF THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU (LIKE S L E E P)

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still kickin' almost a year later✌🏻

my life sucks what if I actually just kms lol ✌🏻

#who's fronting? #other #mine

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bringing this back bc guess what happened again this year :')

Thinking about how my wife got her mom flowers for Valentine's Day but not me :/ like babe :/

#who's fronting? #other #negative #even my mom (who was visiting) was like. dude what the fuck #can't have shit for Valentine's Day can't have shit for our anniversary can't have shit for my birthday. fuck me I guess lmaoooooo

[what-if-i-dee-eye-do]

hey what the fuck

insane to me that my wife bought weed before food. ma'am all I've eaten in the past four days is two cup noodles and a cup of mandarin slices and you're buying weed.

#who's fronting? #other #negative #going thru the blog and. what the fuck. why did she do this

[what-if-i-dee-eye-do]

👆🏻

I miss cigarettes

#who's fronting? #other #negative #girl o switched to elf bars BUT NOW THEYRE OUTTA BUSINESS #IM FIENDING A N D ITS MY PERIOD A N D I GOT SYSTEM SHIT GOIN ON #I N E E D SOME FORM OF NICOTINE OR IM GONNA L O S E I T

[what-if-i-dee-eye-do]

this happened btw. she moved to Vegas after giving most of them away and left the rest with my stepdad (soon to be ex-stepdad)

my mom says she's thinking about re-homing half the dogs. breakdown time

#who's fronting? #other #negative #just gave em away :) except for like 3 :') just left the dog we've had his whole life there. degrading and rotting away into a sack of bones #this bitch really said fuck her kids fuck her dogs Fuck her whole life I wanna have a midlife crisis and move to ~Vegassss~

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still shutting off the system bc I can't handle it ✌🏻 handed the front off to someone yesterday but that's about all

upset bc i realized that as host ive been intentionally ignoring + pushing away the system bc it's been so bad. it fucking sucks and i dont want it and i dont want to listen to them and i know that's making it worse but i cannot for the life of me try to open up my head

#who's fronting? #other #negative #it was strange I dunno if it was Me or another part that was like Actually I CanNot Do This RN and was like 'you got it bud? #good ok thanks bye' #and then robotically finished the laundry not in the body at all

[what-if-i-dee-eye-do]

genuinely losing my mind stuck in this rut. do you think my wife would quit weed with me

#who's fronting? #other #negative #I sincerely doubt it considering it's 'all she has to look forward to' #well fuck son maybe I need to quit!!! rotting in that closet is fuckin killing me!!! #all she ever fuckin wants to do is rush home to smoke weed. there's other shit to do!!! I want to exist in the world!!!!! #there's things to do besides rot at home!!!! #I'm fuckin sick of it especially since her mother never ever fuckin leaves so we can never truly RELAX!!!!

[what-if-i-dee-eye-do]

losing my goddamn mind bc someone keeps picking fights with the wife over stupid shit and I h a t e it

#who's fronting? #other #negative #like. 'hey can you not talk so much like this in a way that bothers me' somehow comes out as 'you talk too much' which is the thing she's #sensitive about. that's not even what I meant! she's just not talking beyond a sentence or two now THATS NOT WHAT I MEANT #I meant talking for 10 minutes at a time with no interruption about 97 topics without me being able to say anything about any of them #just other little shot in general too #it fucking sucks because I don't want to be picking fights and then shit comes out of my mouth without any warning #can whoever it is get a fucking GRIP

[what-if-i-dee-eye-do]

upset bc i realized that as host ive been intentionally ignoring + pushing away the system bc it's been so bad. it fucking sucks and i dont want it and i dont want to listen to them and i know that's making it worse but i cannot for the life of me try to open up my head

#23 speaking #other #negative #for later me #probably one of the reasons this blog has been so dead lmfao #like dude i dont fuckin wanna Deal With All That but i dont know why im still stuck in fuckin survival mode #i just wanna sleep. thats it i just want to sleep i dont want to try to find a job i dont want to try to convince my wife to try to change #things w or kick out her mom i dont want to listen to other people in my head i dont want my hobbies i dont want my life i just want sleep. #and i cant even have that #im exhausted and in pain all the time and always self punishing and idk if its from me or bleedover from someone else

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I gotta stop waiting for someone to finally See Me

#who's fronting? #other #negative #for later me #like jfc dude even your wife isn't gonna look at you and magically understand you #she's not gonna wake up one day like Hmm I Notice My Partner Is Depressed As Fuck I Should Try And Help With That #but like. a week ago we literally agreed to try and be deliberate about our time together and she spent the whole week playing video games #I ate Christmas dinner by myself bc she wanted to watch a movie with her mom #I just wanna fuckin die and I gotta accept that no one's gonna look at me and see that #feels like giving up. who gives a shit maybe I should give up

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I know I promised myself I wouldn't ever try to kill myself again but like. hee hoo

#who's fronting? #other #negative #dude it hasn't been this bad in years #these past two years might have broken me For Real #I literally just want to die All The Time #my body always hurts. there's nothing good in my life. what little good IS in my life is greatly offset by other shit #like my dog. love my dog love her HATE myself and how I treat her and how I don't give her the life she deserves #love my wife love her so much but I don't like the way she treats me and it feels like she doesn't want to spend time with me anymore #like im just a stuffed animal she wants to snuggle at night or while scrolling her phone #I love my family but I think we all know the problems there #literally what am I supposed to live for at this point? the hope that one day things might not be quite as bad? as fucking if. look at the #climate. look at geopolitical events like Palestine and the Congo. look at the economy #why the fuck would I want to live #why would I want to suffer in this hellscape of capitalism and genocide and climate change and and and and and and and #I wish I could go back to the doctor and try to get meds and therapy but I'm flat broke and don't have health insurance so i guess I'll just #feel like this until I die naturally or by my own hand lmfao

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lmao how ironic would it be if I was 23 on the day I turn 24

#who's fronting? #other #I mean. I'm usually blurry let's get that out the way but more often 23 is Very There #usually also with Oliver and tbk and sometimes sexy #23's lightly pissed bc sexy was about to start working (mail willing) and then the body got the fucking period #so we're gonna be on our period for our birthday. woo #to quote a cheekface song. once a year we pretend we're glad we were born

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telling myself we'll calmly ask the kid to stop playing Gaga's paparazzi on repeat instead of group strangling him like Bart n homer from the simpsons

#who's fronting? #other #negative #like kid we get it it slaps. can we not lmhave it blasted directly into our ears for a week str8

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It's wild how most of us block out or cannot remain aware of the fact that my childhood/teenage nickname between my mom and best friend (and now non-amicable soon-to-be-ex sister-in-law) was Joobs. short for Just Boobs. which they would joke about being enormous constantly

#who's fronting? #other #negative #for later me #GEE I WONDER WHY I BIND MY TITS MOM

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google search how to explain to my wife that I Know her not saying bye before leaving for work isn't a Big Deal but that it still leaves me feeling like a broken abandoned child and to please maybe kiss me bye before she goes so I don't spend hours Rotting about it

#who's fronting? #other #negative #it's petty it's dumb. there's a six year old in my brain crying

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not the suicidal child looking up the height of the bridge a mile from our house to see if the body would die if they flung us off it 🤔🤔🤔

#who's fronting? #other #negative #the answer is of course is that it would kill you. no doubt. it's taller than golden gate #tbk sweetie can you not. I'm trying to get the system LESS suicidal..............