afraid-to-whisper-blog

[afraid-to-whisper-blog]

If I accomplish one thing for myself, I will find a way to make my light shine again... . and this time, it'll be so damn bright NOTHING will be able to dim it. . . credit to @survivinglifeafter for the photo https://www.instagram.com/p/BuIA7bon7WX/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1wmgvr8y99b00

[afraid-to-whisper-blog]

I don't even recognize myself most days. . "Unhinged" is a perfect descriptive word. https://www.instagram.com/p/BtjXEuNHmsv/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1uw5on4jodj46

[afraid-to-whisper-blog]

I struggle with feeling vulnerable. . I have lost much of my desire to trust people. . There are days when I want to take off my "brave face", and just let the world see all of me... . but my fear that the soul of another human would feel hurt because I showed my utter despair prevents me from doing it. . I can hide quite well behind the brave face I've created. Those closest to me in my life haven't even a suspicion of my anguish. My whispers aren't heard over the screams of others. . I guess in a way, I'm an imposter. Is it wrong when I'm only trying to protect those that I care about?. . . Photo credit: @doodlebotillustration https://www.instagram.com/p/BtbnKDcHk_6/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1hhw9xvik4u01

[afraid-to-whisper-blog]

This is kind of long...but I need to get this out, even if it's slightly pathetic. . Not many people in my life fit into this description...in fact, it's been a hot minute since anyone has asked me about me. I have all but disappeared from my other social media outlets due to my current situation and the confusion I've been experiencing. Some days, I'm barely holding my head above the water. I don't think anyone has even noticed... . Look, I get it. The road goes both ways. I could ask someone to listen to me but that's JUST NOT ME. I am extremely outgoing EXCEPT when it comes to me problems. I would rather ask someone else how I can help them before asking for anything for myself. . Maybe it's just the other issues in my life but it's kind of breaking me a little to feel like either A: nobody notices I'm struggling or B: nobody cares. Maybe I'm just *that* good at keeping my emotions hidden... . I don't mean anyone here, either. Some of you have been wonderful and reached out to me. But be I'm missing something in my physical life people. . Maybe I'm being selfish. Other people have problems and I'm sure some of them are way more serious than mine. . I've been praying for someone...someone with whom I can share all this hurt, confusion, disappointment and sadness. Someone who will actually look me in the eyes and listen. Someone I can reach out to when I feel like I can't do it anymore. I sometimes this God is answering me by telling me to completely rely on Him... . I guess it would just be nice to feel another person hug me, tell me I'm going to make it, tell me that I matter. . I feel like I'm drowning. https://www.instagram.com/p/BtZ7aRjnhrF/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=17yjv346syiiz

[afraid-to-whisper-blog]

It often feels like I'm taking the tiniest steps... . but it's happening. https://www.instagram.com/p/BtTs6sBnk5k/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=5mnrvvfmwxuk

[afraid-to-whisper-blog]

It's okay, though... . I know I can help myself back up. https://www.instagram.com/p/BtSSdwWnOyC/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=q9yee2ch87m7

[afraid-to-whisper-blog]

My heart is very heavy this week. . Everything has been "one step forward, two steps back", so I'm going the wrong direction. . #disappointment is only one of the many emotions that overwhelm me right now, but that disappointment has once again shown me that I CANNOT fix this...no matter how hard I try, no matter how strong I think I am... . I am reminded that God never asks us to use our own strength, but rather rely completely on Him and His perfect strength. . So why the hell am I still fighting so hard, even though I feel completely weak and like a failure? https://www.instagram.com/p/BtRCMGDnx_R/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=mqoas9ptkxlf

#disappointment

[afraid-to-whisper-blog]

I'm pretty sure this is happening... . but as hard as it might be, I trust Him to see me through all of the mess. . #faithcanmovemountains #heartbreak https://www.instagram.com/p/BtHGSrMnFVz/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=12l5u006oshv

#faithcanmovemountains #heartbreak

[afraid-to-whisper-blog]

I have this picture saved on my phone. I saved it in early spring last year, when I started to feel a little lost. I found some peace in the words within the head in the picture... . but then things started getting more confusing, and I thought I was completely losing my mind and going crazy... . and then things got bad, spiraling madly out of control... . and then I started to piece things together and realized what was happening in my marriage. I started to believe all those outside words again. I've spent so very many months feeling useless and stupid, unlovable and dirty, a failure and unwanted. I still feel that way much of the time now. . I searched my phone for this tonight when I remembered it. I know it's time to remember the inside of that head, and rest in the arms of the One who promises to always love me. . . #held #givemejesus #faith #godwillfightforyou #heneverletsgo #heneverfails #givemewings https://www.instagram.com/p/BtCwfOYn9hE/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=x88kzso0e9ax

#held #givemejesus #faith #godwillfightforyou #heneverletsgo #heneverfails #givemewings

[afraid-to-whisper-blog]

I know several people who need to see this right now... . I know there's a reason I stumbled across it. https://www.instagram.com/p/BtAT72EHrGL/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=15jclbfmyw2k5

[afraid-to-whisper-blog]

All the hurtful, hateful, demeaning comments... . all the inexcusable behaviors... . It is not ok. https://www.instagram.com/p/BtAKy47Hkal/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1orle9ojy9liy

[afraid-to-whisper-blog]

... because if I don't, nobody will. . #goingitalone #onmyown https://www.instagram.com/p/Bs90HIeHKmW/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=2n97t148hp39

#goingitalone #onmyown

[afraid-to-whisper-blog]

...and I would fall into the trap... . EVERY . SINGLE . TIME . #toxicpeople https://www.instagram.com/p/Bs63nZ_H2qs/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=12a4yrh2pvzj1

#toxicpeople

[afraid-to-whisper-blog]

Right now, I'm in that state of being "completely exhausted"...😞 . #hypervigilance #exhausted https://www.instagram.com/p/Bs6WqFUH34J/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=16xfnon3nqch6

#hypervigilance #exhausted

[afraid-to-whisper-blog]

All the times that I'd start to get frustrated....and look over to see him smirking. It would only upset me even more... . I'm sure that was EXACTLY what he wanted. https://www.instagram.com/p/Bs5jzquHKGn/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1vkl92dv4i3jr

[afraid-to-whisper-blog]

Yeah...pretty much. https://www.instagram.com/p/Bs13x9SnU3N/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=utbhjbypaa4t

[afraid-to-whisper-blog]

Checks all the way down... https://www.instagram.com/p/Bs1wpzCnOvE/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=c7c7wndyn58c