anxietylifebaby

[anxietylifebaby]

How do you tell someone that you’re not friends, not really? And you wouldn’t even remember them if they didn’t keep contacting you. This is not a mean thing, I don’t think. There is this high school friend that I haven’t been that close to, haven’t seen in 5+ years, haven’t kept in touch. And lately, for some reason, he keeps texting me every couple months even though I make the smallest talk and then ghost him. every. single. time. It’s been so long. People drift apart, friendships dissolve. I know nothing about him, he knows nothing about me. I don’t know why he just doesn’t give up. He’s like I missed you, let’s meet, let’s catch up. And on the inside I’m like nooo. But on the outside I keep dodging it. I don’t know what it is but I feel so uncomfortable. I don’t want to meet him nor answer his messages. But I can’t tell him straight cause I feel bad for kinda rejecting an old friend. Like maybe he really needs a friend or help or something. But I also can’t shake this gut feeling. Ugh. Guess I’m gonna avoid this till either he stops or one of us dies.

[anxietylifebaby]

okay. I’ve practiced it a billion times inside my head, it’s time, let’s do this. shoot there is no one else here, I’m gonna have to make small talk. Slightly panicking. I can do this. here we go. Hi, want to get this haircut, blah blah blah, conversation happens. Oh, I didn’t get to say everything I’ve prepared, shit shit shit. is this good? looks fine. does it? this is not what I’ve wanted though. can I say it. nope, can’t say it. pay it and leave. pay it and leave. go go go.

And that was me getting a simple haircut. Btw it was about a month ago. And I still don’t know if I like my new hair or not. Getting a haircut stresses me out so much, I hate it. So I let my hair go crazy long, then I hate that too. And I hate how unmanageable my hair is because I just can’t get the right haircut and maintain that length. This sounds frivolous but it’s a serious issue in my life.

[anxietylifebaby]

My aunt, mom’s little sister, had a radiation therapy for breast cancer last summer and stayed with us because she lives in a small city. We are not close exactly but she is family and she has cancer so of course I was shaken a bit. But it was also hard because at first nobody else in the family knew. Then it was hard cause it took forever to get it tasted, operated and treated. And when she was staying with us I had to accompany her in the hospital cause I was the only one available. That was really hard for me because I was really really afraid of being outside. And later it was frustrating because her husband and son wasn’t there for her even though they could and should be. She was in a lot of pain. That was hard to watch. And at some point there were seven of us living in our three bedroom flat, which secretly drove me crazy cause I can’t handle being around people so long. My cousin made me wanna pull my hair out cause he is a manipulative little b and wants to hang around and have fun all the time. I was also so tired cause mom was trying to take care of her sister so I was taking care of everyone else. After the treatment it was hard cause she went back to her place and wasn’t taking care of herself. Then she got pneumonia. Her checkups were hard on me cause once again I needed to accompany her and wasn’t having the easiest time with it. Then my grandma decided to visit and they had a fight and that was awkward cause grandma wants her to leave her husband and son behind and move in with her (they live in different cities, my aunt is 50) and my aunt can’t tell her this bickering is why she got cancer. She was supposed to come for another checkup but they cancelled it due to the craziness going on in the world. And I’m secretly glad cause I feel like I can’t handle it anymore. Would that make me a terrible horrible person? I never said anyone anything, never once complained and I know what she is going through is really difficult but deep down I don’t want to be the one that takes care of her. I have been the Emotional Support DaughterTM my whole life even though I told them I don’t want to be and I’m just so sick of it. Especially since none of these grown ass humans take care of themselves. And I have been spending so much time taking care of them that I feel like my life is passing me by. I’m so sad and tired and I can’t even talk about it with anyone.

[anxietylifebaby]

One of my best friends, one of the people I love the most in the world, called me while she was having a panic attack. And that was kinda scary/hard cause first she lives alone in a different city and I can’t be there with her. Second even though I had my fair share of panic attacks, I’ve never helped someone with it before. We talked through it and it turned out okay. but left me with some feelings. like it was weird being on the other side of it. And even though panic attacks are like the worst, I’m glad I knew what was going on and what I’d do if it was happening to me.

Also I don’t know how to express this but I’m glad that I’m very outspoken about mental health and my experiences with it both in social media and in person and I always tell people I’m here if there’s anything I can help with. I sometimes feel silly or annoying for doing so but she said she called me because she thought I’d know what to do, I’d understand and not judge her. That made me seriously happy. Offering a safe space to people means everything to me.

Knowing she would call me when she needs help also helped me lots. I’m not the best about keeping contact. It’d been two months since we talked when this conversation took place and I was feeling really guilty about not calling her. I get this thought that my friends hate me, simply because I haven’t called them even though we’re both busy and they have not called me either and I don’t hate them for it. And her trust in me got me thinking that maybe I’m not failing them after all.

[anxietylifebaby]

She finally rolls in.

When I started I was like this is good, this is great, I’ll write couple times a week, it’ll be helpful. Then I did not write. at all. for three months. Every time I want to write something else comes up, I forget about writing, then too much time passes, now I’m feeling guilty about not writing, and then writing becomes awkward, so I never do it. I always feel like there is one perfect way to do things and if I’m not doing it that way I should not do it at all. Like if I’m not writing regularly I’m failing and should not bother. I’m also so afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing. I either avoid doing things or take forever to do it. I overthink every single thing, it exhausts me. It’s so frustrating. I did those CBT exercises or whatever they were called, I know that I should move past these thoughts. But sometimes it’s really really hard. And it feels like I’m going backwards. And that makes me sadder. I can’t wrap this up. Anyways. I think I’m gonna write about the things that happened in the last three months. Cause I want them out of my mind.

[anxietylifebaby]

Is it weird that I am usually only able to write these when I am about to go to bed? I mean I’ve always been more creative, more expressive, more vulnerable?? during the night. But it also feels like I’m purging them out of my mind so I can sleep. I had sleeping problems for more than a decade and I’ve started doing better in the last year. Although I don’t have as much hard time with it any longer this seems to be helping too. It’s like I have these thoughts and this pain and the weight that I am feeling and carrying, that’s pressuring me and trapping me. and I just take as much of it as I can out of me. put it into words. release it into this shimmery vast water, like a paper boat. and it just dissolves. gone forever.

[anxietylifebaby]

Some times I get so sad so fast, out of nowhere. and it’s so hard to breathe. my chest is tightening. and my heart wants out. I don’t know the cause or how to stop it. there is a buzz inside my head. and I feel the pressure building up. my hands are numb. and my tongue is dry. and I can’t even focus on my own thoughts. everything is too much. all I want to do is to curl up to a tiny ball under blankets. and for existence to ignore me. but I feel so guilty for such though, I’ve got things to do. so I can’t stop. but I also can’t go on like this. I can’t go on.

#anxiety #depression

[anxietylifebaby]

I started to eat smaller portions at dinner. I think I’m feeling better. I don’t wanna get into it much at the moment but I used to have some sort of an eating problem, I guess, so I was a little nervous about my intentions. I was questioning whether I was punishing myself for not losing any weight in the last two months, even though I am exercising regularly, eating healthy and so far lost 8 kg but nothing in latest months, or it’s because the portions was really too much for me as I was also feeling too full and uncomfortable after dinner lately. But I also want to eat the worlds sometimes. I either wanna eat nothing or everything or both and I usually manage better but it’s been a struggle lately. Anyways. I’m eating a nice breakfast, nutritional dinner and fruits and greens but I think I’m gonna try eating just a little less for a while and see how it goes.

[anxietylifebaby]

I made a comment on something today. Go me! There were about 20k comments on the thing. And anxiety tells me that whatever I’m gonna say is not going to make any difference. But it’s also telling me that everybody is gonna read it. and judge it. and hate it. Don’t you just love it when anxiety goes like literally nobody cares but also everybody is thinking about how much they hate you. I don’t know if this makes any sense, it’s late and I’m tired. But anyways. I clicked the comment and the world did not explode. Shocker, I know. So. maybe. sometimes. I can function after all. Although, I did write and delete the comment couple of times. And spent f.ing long time on it. Baby steps, right?

[anxietylifebaby]

First post, baby!

I’ve been procrastinating this for so long. Cause the first post needs to be special. for some reason. and it needs to be perfect. and I can’t make a mistake. in a personal blog that I told nobody about. and has zero followers. Ugh. This is why we can’t have nice things. Anyway. This is it. This is the first post. Just because I need to be able to click that post thing. If you ever see this say hi, that should be interesting. Thanks. bye.

#notagsforyou