astolentoetag

[astolentoetag]

My current plan to recover from my mental and emotional existence is to just go so deep into being insane that I'll come out sane on the other side. Being a chronic people pleaser plagued with impostor syndrome stretched me too thin, and that leash simply snapped and I am now a completely untethered, unapologetic vermin.

Fuck having impostor syndrome, if I'm not entitled to be here they should've barred the doors better. If I'm doing everything wrong because of imaginary rules that nobody told me about, that's their problem, you should have made your confusing system more idiot-proof.

I'm not here to please everyone and do everything right. I'm here to make bad art, chew on furniture, make people laugh, cook awful food and look at pretty landscapes, and piss off the people who don't want me to exist. If I have an unseen infinite debt somewhere that I can never pay back, I'm going to keep running that tab until I die. I'm alive purely because the universe is shit at pest control.

[astolentoetag]

Scrolling through Facebook memories and find one from '06 about asking people what they remember about me. Most commenters I remembered who they are but one I do not. Nor do I know if I met them in highschool or college. Their comment was just about how I confused the English teacher with weird questions. That unfortunately does not narrow it down. That does not narrow it down at all.

To further muddle things they seemed to either already have or be in the process of transitioning and I can't tell which direction because they're pretty androgynous. I have no clue who this person is and I feel exceptionally guilty for forgetting someone after asking them what they remembered about me even if it's nearly two decades later.

Brains suck. I want a hard drive with 8k uhd timestamped recordings in chronically order. And spark notes for every month.

#yes I was that strange kid in school who just wasn't looking at the same world as everyone else #I don't like asking typical questions #how would you show affection if you were a cat? #undiagnosed kid #undiagnosed adult #health insurance is bullshit #how many books do you flit between at a time? #what's your random collection? #Where's my cyberpunk transhumanism? #if you were a wild dog would you trust people? why or why not? #if you play with my hair and tell me I'm pretty I'll probably do what you want trust or not. #why remember good things when you can remember trauma? #cats are awesome #fucking love dogs #we do not deserve dogs