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16.05
today i’ve attended our first book-club meeting. i was not sure if i want to become a part of it because my permanent thoughts of being not enough. but i decided to give it a try. and i think it was a good idea, especially during the lockdown. as i believe i should somehow change a little bit my surrounding as i dont feel that i get enough support from it which is extremely important for my mental state. i even think that most of my problems have arose because of lack of it. it was a good step.
also i had a facetime call with my friend from uk i still hesitate about my english level but who cares. i mean i feel myself pretty comfortable if anyone dont like it, doors are always open.
i ve decided that i will try to be more open to new people, to stop think what they can think about me. also i would like to be more curious about others as i feel i can be a little bit apathetic sometime.
lets change it, lets perceive our problem as a potential to grow, as another level of the game
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28.03
today is my second day of being suicidal again. these awful thoughts let me go from time to time and I feel horrible shame for experienced it but what can I do?I wonder, have really no so many people ever thought about killing themselves or they just hide this mental attempt? do really most people feel happiness and satisfaction? today when I came to the kitchen I feel myself as a bundle of nervous I woke up with a thought why I did it what is the reason? there is nothing in my life that I truly enjoy. back to the kitchen, I really wanted to be positive and funny butttt hooooow can I hide what I have inside? how can I do it if my eyes are full of tears? I think that positive people have bright energy inside them they do not simulate while world asks me to simulate, to pretend that I am good. how.,... explain me please.
how can I show happiness If my whole soul is about sadness. I hate almost every aspect of my mind, my body, my life in general. I have never been told that I am good at something that Im funny or interesting or clever. its always the opposite. people usually tell me that my face is beautiful and its the only thing I know about myself. but its obviously nothing. I wish I could be different. why am so broken? what is the reason of being so miserable? is it a fate? I want to run away from myself.
even if I will change I will always remember that I am positive not naturally I am a fake. an iceberg
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about 22.03
It has become a habit to write a page a day after. but I am usually too relaxed after my evening yoga to write anything, because it can spoil my good state of mind.
yesterday was very inseparable, I even thought to try again writing. As writing is no more my professional interest, I can do it just for myself, what excludes a potential personal judgment and comparing with others. I have decided to write down immediately when I catch inspiration because I usually say: no, now I have too many other things to accomplish, I will remember my thoughts and do later. but frequently I don't. I want to write down little passages that come to my mind sometimes, I want to note some dialogs with my friends or different movies, interviews or lectures. I even allow myself to record thoughts on a dictaphone and don't be embarrassed about it.
another reason why I appreciate my yesterday because I finally forced myself to study for two hours, yes, I mostly hate my studying but I have signed up willingly on this and I have to finish it. so easy to say, so hard to complete.
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I didn't write anything yesterday but I can do a little reflection now.
I really enjoy myself during this pandemic, there are no more reasons for rush in the whole world, and I feel myself like I belong to the society, I suit it now. what a wonderful feeling. it is crazy to experience it during world suffers, isn't it?
I watch at least two movies a day, read books and articles, do yoga and I have started to learn how to use final cut pro. I hope that my today’s daily routine will lead to something good.
I wanna be a positive and easy-going person but every time I try to be it I feel face, but it depends on my mood and on people around. I mean, I used to take feedbacks which described me as I too energetic and funny girl but its somewhere in the past. I forgot what is to get such feedbacks, maybe it depends on changing attitude to me by myself, I became more demanding and negative.
idk
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20.03.20
today I felt pretty well. I notice every time that sometimes its hard for me to be with people alone, I don't know, I just don't feel myself comfortable, im not that open kind of people, its not the easiest thing for me to express my thoughts or feelings (maybe I don't have any), it sounds so good in my head but most attempts to express them out loud are not very good: my speech is too fast, there are always some distractions and so on so on. Moreover, because, as I said before, I don't have a habit to share my every thoughts, when I am alone with someone it seems like I have to. it feels like I cheat myself. does anybody have the same problem?
I have already taught myself to eat less and consciously. Im planning to learn to work harder as I need to write my big academic paper. this goal is sound impossible but I can give it a try. as im no longer live this life, I play it. oh, if only this metaphor and this attitude could soak my life fully. things could be easier.
also I m going to take a course on video montaging, just want to become a-half-specialist at something.
im a little bit puzzled with my language learning as I don't have a lot of time nowadays, I need to choose one and something tells me it will be polish as its more reasonable now.
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Another awful thing that I found out today is my attitude to a person that I have considered the closest one for the last 3 years.... I had an illusion that its life-long friendship and maybe it is, but now I doubt it too much. I feel too many negative emotions toward this person, and I feel sorrow and shame about it.
But what can I do? how can I get rid of these feelings? does that mean that im an awful human? is it really possible that everybody else has never experienced that?
fuccccckkkkkkkk my lifeeee and my dark soul
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19.03
Today I felt okay. I almost wasn't depressed at all. I think sometimes when I don't have depression I have a state which I would call resignation or acceptance. I even decided to attend my online Literature course which as I said before usually forces my depression. I just let myself be myself without any attempt to improve this person called “me”. I like these days in some sense because I do not judge or esteem myself, just observe. It seems to me that kind of days does not make me happy or make me feel like there is no depression. No, they just help me to continue to exist, nothing more. Depression is a real tyrant: it doesn't kill, its inflicts moral injuries then gives time on recovery and then again....circling. its like a torture.
Another idea that helps me now is, forgive me, pandemic and quarantine because it is always refreshing to be a witness of something unpredictable and unusual, to see how the world is changing and how people’ behavior is changing as well. That inspires me (the question is on what?????).
How happy I could be if only I had a chance to create something: to write, to play music or to draw. Oh, if only if only......
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18.01
I promise I will not regret my free time I pay to these writing because it is an essential part for my future recovery and (I hope) for my future productive life. I am planning to write here every one-two days, even if I don't feel depressed, because I think that my problem should be fully described, so I need to observe myself every day.
It seems like all people around do a lot of great things, create something unique because they have talent for something, and, what is more important, they really enjoy their kind of activity. That’s why its not a problem for them to work on one thing for a long time to improve it. This “hardworking”(pleasure) gives them good results, people praise them, they feel their life fulfilled, they easily make new friends and new dates because everybody loves happy and talented human beings. So, as a result, they have a dream life.
How they find their talents? I believe there are several ways. First one is the easiest and the luckiest one, they just have started to do smt when they were kids. they enjoyed it, they continued it, they reached their goals. Another one is what their parents press them to do smt that may not like but finally they have started to feel that they are doing great, have started to get positive feedbacks, what motivates them to do it again and again. Sometimes your surrounding helps. For example, you have a group of friends who are musicians, they always talk about music, they always try to make their own ones. So, you decided to try it on, get some support from your friends, You are happy and successful. The last way is yours if you are brave and do not afraid to be not accepted or criticized. You can try everything you want and find a comfortable place to stop on smt and improve it.
I think that the key for all these ways is when people around tell you that you are good at it, are doing great, do not give up. I have never been told anything similar. Nobody ever told me that I am good at something. I think is one of the biggest reasons why I cannot find my place on this earth.
It’s very hard to start something new when you r 20 y.o. All of potential field are occupied by your peers who have already succeeded in smt.
I know that sometimes I can overestimate some situations in my life but this is an life-long existential crisis. I am completely lost and have no hope.
I have no hope to ever be loved by someone. I have almost stopped eating normal amounts of calories. Why I think this way? because I judge peoples behavior as I judge my. I would never love a depressive, untalented person who have problems with excess calories.
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18.03.20
My last note in this blog was more than two years ago, I just graduated from school and wanted to apply to a place where I study now. Its so interesting because at that time I was so inspired by the idea of studying in such an unusual and progressive way, I believed that this experience can become a guarantee for a life life beyond the pattern. I said that its interesting because now I feel the opposite way. I don't regret of my choice, it was the best discussion at that time but today It seems like I have lost any enthusiasm.
Every class makes my depressive state of mind even worse. I am tired of compare myself with people who are not even my idols. I have no more strength to continue do what I used to do. I see no sense in these actions. I see no sense in my whole life. I hate being depressive but to be very honest the only two reasons why I am still alive are because I care of my family and because I am afraid to be hurt and to have disgusting corpse.
I do not want to list why I hate myself because I think its miserable and also because I hope to get better one day and forget about this list so I don't need a reminder.
I decided to renew my English blog because when I use English I am more direct and more honest, I don't blame myself for ugly writing as I am somehow connected with Literature, and there are more chances that I will not hide behind metaphors.
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now its very hard time for me. i graduated from school and i have to choose college where im going to study for 4 years. i have chosen my “my dream university” more than a year ago and i was absolutely sure that its what i really need, but now when i should apply to this place, i doubt if its what i actually need or no?
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I don't know about u but it's usual for me to recollect not so pleasure moments from my life, when u understand that u said something wrong, maybe too crudely, maybe too angrily and it makes you feel disgusting
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Sometimes we need days off for ourselves , for watching movies, reading books, making spring-cleaning. We just need time without people, and those days help us to recover, to discover something new about yourself, just clean your mind
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