autumxnleaves

[autumxnleaves]

week 17

again, stopped posting, but! everything has been amazing, school, friends, family, emotions, activities, feelings, body, motivation. it is all peaceful.

during yesterday’s therapy session, she asked me, do you believe that you are right now feeling what you longed for when you attempted to kill yourself?

and, yes, i do. it was peace i wanted, and it is peace i have.

[autumxnleaves]

week 3????

so much i can’t explain, but bulletin points are:

i regret so much i’ve done to people, i will apologize even though, in most, no change will be done

i want to change, i now realize what i like and what i don’t like about myself

i need to be honest with everyone, but to start off, with myself

i have been a bitch, but i will change that

i need to surround myself with the people that inspire and cause good in me

my relationship with m is not just platonic, i like her romantically

distance needs to be done between m and me

too many realizations occurred during this week, but i can not recall them right now, the m shock is still here

[autumxnleaves]

week 2

this second week was enjoyable, lots of funny stuff happened, i started alternating between who i hang out with during breaks at school.

i saw my friend allison twice and it was amazing, i love her so much and she always puts me in a good mood.

very constant at the gym, hopefully i dont give up!!!!! i can already feel my muscles toning hahahah

my highlight of the week was definitely during the boys’ soccer training, my two friends, y and f, and i were yelling at this kid with neon pink tennis shoes during the boys’ soccer training. they heard his name was chris so we were just yelling his name throughout the whole game. we started calling him cristina because of the neon pinks shoes. that was really funny.

ive finally accepted i do like copypaste and told my friend noe about it because my psychologist told me on wednesday that no matter how much i deny or try to hide something, it won’t make it go away, so i just gave up. my friend told me it was OK, since m didnt like him, plus copypaste had (and still hasn’t) even tried to talk to her, but we talk every day. yesterday, i decided to tell my best friend y about it. she said she already knew, which made me kind of upset but oh well. it was cute though, she knows me well.

i find it really funny how awkward copypaste is, hes a completely different person through text and in person, on wednesday he ACTUALLY talked to me for the first time, like an actual conversation, MUTUAL conversation, not just me talking and him nodding and being awkward. it was nice. but the following days he went back to being awkward, hahaha.

I AM FREE!!! I DO NOT CARE THAT I LIKE HIM!!! i do, but its OK.

week 2: 4/5 stars

[autumxnleaves]

feeling like a thot

I really just need to get this out. for this semester, I have made a pact with myself: NO BOYS! they really just consume me whole. not healthy. it's as if I just force myself to like anyone I have. I cannot deny it, I did like one boy healthily, but I know nothing will be possible out of him, we're too different. now, the situation is regarding my best friend. during the last weeks of summer break, I came forward about liking a boy (a friend), sillily. we'll call him copypaste. however, my best friend (m) had "liked" him for some time before. I say "liked" because according to her, it was never true, just trying to cover her true crush up. so being me, I took this as an excuse and still decided to tell everyone I liked him. that was my first wrong doing. here is why:

when I say I like someone im not even close to, I let it consume my thought process and decision making, I try to fit and do what I think this idea of a person I have in my head would like. it's weird. so then, I end up actually falling for this person I don't even know.

anyway, I then decide I do not want this thought consuming mindset so I try my best to forget about these self provoked feelings of copypaste.

back at school and I see him, there's definitely a tingling there. I deny it. we don't really talk during the week, just hovering comments, until Friday comes along, and we do talk, and it all goes back to how it was before summer break, we're friends again! keywords: before summer break, he was JUST a friend to me before summer break so he will be just a friend to me after summer break. ideally.

back home from school and we're talking on the phone, I ask him about my best friend, and he says he likes her, I tease him because his best friend used to have a thing with her, he says he knows and feels like shit about that. I try to encourage him and tell him that "homie hopping" is irrelevant in my book, he semi agrees.

this is news to my favor. another way to try to get over self provoked feelings, but not in my favor to my feelings. I shouldn't have involved myself in this, not worth it. but I know I will come out of this, and find this someday in the future and laugh, because it was never that serious, hahaha.

now, I will talk about the character vaguely introduced: copy paste's best friend, m's ex something. we're friends. but I sometimes catch myself feeling something else when talking to him. makes me feel like shit. I know I don't like him, I just can't help it.

and now, about m. I love her, I can not deny it, she's beautiful inside and out, she's a perfect fit for me. but Friday, I caught myself feeling something not just platonic for her during one of our workout sets, she just looked amazing, I couldn't help myself. why are my relationship problems revolving around her? I can not allow myself to feel anything but platonic for her or for anyone even indirectly involver with her. she's my best friend.

these feelings will pass as I will not be acting upon them, nor suppressing them, for this is my way of letting them out.

#oh god oh god oh god

[autumxnleaves]

week 1 of 3rd semester

can definitely say it's been a tough week, but i've been trying my best to adapt. first three days of the week were a disaster --anxiety, constantly holding back tears, insomnia was back, spontaneous death wishes, little appetite, exhaustion overall-- but it wasn't all bad, I had a constant first week at the gym (new achievement!). on wednesday at my therapy session I learned it really was all (mostly) just a product of my lack of sleep, I had been convincing myself I would be able to manage my sleep with no pharmaceutical help, but at the end, I really did need it, so I did, and after that Wednesday night, in which I peacefully slept, I woke up feeling like a walking red bull; back to being myself. my psychologist also told me to keep a notebook in hand to write down when my thoughts were about to overcome me, but I never felt the need, so I didnt. weekend was alright, canceled plans Friday because I was too tired, but yesterday I did go out. it was fun. Sunday was a mess, for some reason, I just didnt want to come across anyone at church so I forced myself to feel sick, I believed my own lie, not my best decision, but what can I do now, it happened.

I will now prepare myself for bed and keep my best hopes for tomorrow, we'll see how the second week goes.

#week

[autumxnleaves]

oh wow, over a year later i open my tumblr account, there's nothing here. I will become active on here.

[autumxnleaves]

dream 1

the booster I have just applied has been having a toll on me, I'll just say this: night of January 30th, 2022, my computer science teacher pulls up her floral tank top to show off her d cup implants. I guess they were nice.

#update

[autumxnleaves]

dream 1.1

I don't recall any dream from last night, I suppose my mind has decided not to update this blog.

#waiting