b4n3n4

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I dont think ill handle this any longer, tomorrow I'm alone in the morning, ill get myself pretty and die in some bathroom, second try will work, I just have to let myself go, ill bring some medicine to get my heartbeat to go slower, and ill finally end it, insulin and med overdose is a good way to go, I cant do this any longer

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ive been going to therapy, i feel worse everyday, we broke up ,my heart hurts everyday, i dont have any reason to get going besides maybe one day ill be with him irl, its stupid i know, feels so lonely, i feel alone but i dont care for almost everyone, i dont know whats wrong with me, i simply cannot care for others unless its him

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im alone again

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we broke up, theres no one now, no one wants to be with me, I have no friends besides him, everyone leaves me after a while and I get disgusted at everyone around me, there's no hope, he tells me to not do anything but all I can think about is killing myself now, whats there to lose now

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he doesn't get me, everyone including him thinks im a crybaby, he says its normal for my mom to hit me, he thinks its easy to not cut, it isn't

i either die or spend my life in the psych ward but ill try again, whats the point if people think its normal for you to be miserable, i dislike everyone now

[b4n3n4]

we kinda broke up yesterday, i cant stop crying, i dreamed i killed myself, keep thinking of it i cant stop, i dont know where this is going i hate complicated things, are we togheter or not i want order, i also finally told him i dont believe in god while he very much does and has been asking me to pray, i guess he only wanted me to go to heaven but thats useless, i dont really care where im going, not pro satan either just dgaf about religion at all, life is too hard and too complicated to give a fuck about things im not sure about.

my promise still remains although i know its useless kinda, if we break up its the end of me, if we continue i will problably be as miserable as before, not his fault he is very sweet but i hate life in general

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he doesnt understand my ed, i guess its okay I wouldn't want to deal with someone with an ed either, but I cant help it so, if we break up then I wont need to starve because I will die, so either way its good

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im crying again, why is he so distant today what did i do, i don't get it

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btw to whoever is curious the server I posted earlier is discord.gg/femcel , pretty chill with mostly just incels or femcel girls but it isn't super edgy, if u wanna join pls do so

discord.gg/femcel

#femcel #4chan #neetcore #discord chat #edgy #discord server

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i wish i never called the ambulance that day, i would have finally went away, no more bullshit no more breakdowns

[b4n3n4]

maybe ill get 'accidentally' ran over this week

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I won't last long, I cut again today, it has been a while since the last time I did it, feels like an energy rush like I'm freeing my soul through that little cut

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We had a 'fight' yesterday again, its my fault because he has proven himself multiple times but im always scared, i dont know why i dont change although he changed so much, i have to make a way to fix myself, he is right tho, this cant keep on if it does then it isn't right and he is all i want, im almost 20 but sometimes i feel like i act like an hormonal 14 year old, im unstable maybe because of bpd but it doesn't excuse things i say or do, i just wish i could open my head up and figure out whats wrong.

hes been so sweet hes been so good to me but im always the same, i never change i just become more unstable as time goes, why doesn't life become simple and i become stable.

need to change my way of thinking so it doesn't happen again, ive said that to him multiple times but im being serious i need to try harder and become better, like this it cant go on, things will be better one day

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i cried again today, i dont know if he will ever understand what he does to me, how cold it is, how cruel it is, how can you do that to me and always expect me happy and willing to do anything, maybe i should just keep being like this, nothing matters anyways

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Lonely Nena wanders the world

Without anyone, always cold

Lonely Nena is numb, without a soul

What will she do? one day she'll know

Lonely Nena lives without a goal

Ambitions small, dreams none

Lonely Nena writes to herself alone

Maybe one day there will be someone

That she can finally hold

[b4n3n4]

The consequences of capitalism 

1. What the hell is capitalism 

Our friend capitalism was born in the 15th century after the fall of feudalism succeeding the maritime expansion in Europe (for those who do not know or aren't sure what the word means, it is the ruling of society by nobility in which the peasants did all the labor in exchange for not even minimal conditions in the said lords land), baptized by philosophers in the 18th century as commercial or pre capitalism, it is commonly described as the emergence of currency as an exchange value as well as the start of a new social class: the bourgeoisie with a special interest in precious metals and enrichment. 

1.1 Modern capitalism 

Modern-day capitalism or self-proclaimed financial capitalism started in the 20th century, with the same basis as commercial capitalism but with a twist, the investment in stocks, bonds, and other descendants or slight derivations as well as of course private stuff like property and private control of production (or what is more known as insane prices for no fucking reason), this is what we will dive into today as I was bored to death in college and had to write about something. I'm sorry 

1.2 So...what goes on 

Even tho we don't realize it consumerism is the foundation of all (or at least most) of our routine activities, think about it, we wake up in a bed we bought, we eat breakfast we bought, we go somewhere like work or college to gain financial wealth, etc, this happens because we live in a consumerist society, everything revolves around money or exchange in some way, it's our way to communicate with our peers, boss, kids, loved ones. The generation of wealth and obtention of goods has brought us a lot of pros and cons, here I can resume some of the pros: oooo sparkly gloss  

Now onto the cons 

1.3 Hell on Earth 

Not to be biased, because it's well known if you have been following my page that I have beliefs rooted in existentialism, but the cons of consumerism have been devastating, to say the least, let's look at some:  

With the scary-ass worker wages, the poor get even poorer, and the rich even richer, by letting the big companies decide freely how much each product is without regulation, the meager prices like Shein has means mass production (underpaid overworked 3rd world country workers), this also has its results, as consumers indulge in mass buying because of the low prices and get shitty products that go straight to the trash or do not get put to their use, then we have the other side of the coin, extremely high prices, on mostly necessary good like food, hygiene and such, this ends up making the situation for regular or minimum wage workers a living hell.  

So let us simplify: you are overworked, and underpaid by your rich boss, and basic needs prices are extremely high, barely living.  

This is a vicious cycle of working to be able to buy necessities or in some cases completely unnecessary shit that's marketed and bought because it's cheap, being in a situation where you need more money to live, so you go work.  

Even tho it's centuries apart, have we changed? Has slavery stopped? Has anything become more evolved besides how we produce shit, are we just what we buy and sell and nothing more? 

#femcel #4chan #neetcore #consumerism #essay

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i watched the mist movie instead of reading monster because i was crochetting and that shit was so fire ngl