backlitsunshine

[backlitsunshine]

ok universe, i’m ready to feel good things. make me feel good things.

[backlitsunshine]

don’t you think I could’ve gotten caged in here? I mean, totally and absolutely complacent. nothing ever changes here. the sun rises and it sets. I thought I could almost bring myself to miss it. I don’t think I will. I’ve never wanted to run so badly in my life. this is nothing to me. nothing, nothing, nothing. I’d go mad if this had to be the rest of my life.

[backlitsunshine]

there’s something to be said for having your worst fears confirmed. the months just haven’t sat right and things seem to be happening in patterns, in waves, almost as though they are clockwork. it happens again, of course it does. after all, recognizing it and idle apologies doesn’t mean anything has changed does it. and so it repeats. same problems, same lack of resolution. how many days straight can you pretend until you start to hear that voice again. don’t you wonder? don’t you want to make sure? and you’re right again. isn’t it a curse. nothing has changed, only to get worse. wake up one morning and piece it all together. news flash; you’ve been replaced. overwhelmingly so. you knew it was coming but that doesn’t stop that pressure in your chest. there’s nothing to say. I was right. I always am.

[backlitsunshine]

and that’s the funny thing about all of this. if you had told me that I would be sitting in front of a fountain in Harvard, drinking coffee to take a break from working on my startup for the pitch in front of venture capitalists in two days time, I wouldn’t have believed it. lattes, phone calls from you friends, linked in, Harvard yard, I’m not sure how I’m ever going home.

[backlitsunshine]

exclusivity, rsvp, it’s the hushed whisper of politics. it’s where important people gather, where ideas are swapped like the coffee shops of the enlightenment. and of course, he just had to be there too. I spot him in the crowd and my heart rate spikes because I’m thinking that this is the exact reason I thought we were meant to be. soon we’re meeting the attorney general of massachusetts and chasing after Congressmen. but afterwards, I’m aimless. I don’t know how to approach strangers, I don’t know how to be charming, and I watch him work the room. he’s talking to strangers and I’m looking like a fish out of water. lost, so lost. but a lady comes over to talk to our group and by some miracle, soon we’re talking off to the side. he stands nearby, but I’m the one she’s talking to and trying to be charismatic and flattering never crosses my mind. instead, I’m completely genuine. the lifetime I’ve spent around the law, the hours I’ve spent daydreaming about how to get elected, the time I’ve spent watching the political climate in California and the divide in our country, the waking hours spent idolizing Robert Kennedy all comes together. I sound smart, educated, completely serious. I’m here for a reason, I have a plan, a passion, a purpose. is it a political conversation if I don’t mention Robert Kennedy? I explain the draw of young, revolutionary political figures and she nods. people have told me politics are boring, that you shouldn’t be involved, why does everything have to be politicized, and besides, you’re too young. but she doesn’t laugh at the way I detail my path to office. she takes me to meet a lawyer. californian, I discuss Newsom and his policies. the similarities between the political climate of California and the one they’re trying to make happen here. thoughtful mentions of the way republicans destroy consumer protections. they’re drafting an amendment, a real fight for preserving our individual voice in government, one that may make history. he says, you know, I’m looking for a law fellow, and I know technically they’re supposed to be a law school student. but... if you want to do research, you should let me know. I’m bouncing off the walls, the potential implications of being a law fellow in connection with a new amendment and I tell my friends. suitably impressed. Michael is incredible, don’t get me wrong, but tonight he was outnetworked. my first time at one of these events and I’m offered an opportunity. it can only improve from here. sometimes I have to pinch myself because do you realize how incredible these opportunities are? it’s blisteringly unreal. if you had told me even a week ago that I’d have done this, I wouldn’t have believed it. I’m doing it.

[backlitsunshine]

and I don’t know. we’re just there. please, I want you to understand what it’s like to be completely understood. to find the place where you belong. walking with friends to class on one of the most premier institutions of higher learning in the world. daydreaming during prototyping lectures. the aesthetic of purchase orders and to do lists. hey I’m frustrated with my team too. the girl staring back at me from the mirror is different now though and she says, the only way to fix this is to try and be positive. to try harder and commit all the way. the strength to stand up to my bad habits and toxic ways of thinking. it’s confessions on walks that you’ve already guessed. it’s mutual anger at those who break hearts and mess people around for fun. but it’s also laying on the floor waiting for her phone to announce the time every fifteen minutes. it’s too many feelings but it’s also blueberry cobbler in the kitchen. five star yelp reviews for the place that fixes my phone for free because it’s a golden feeling. missing team meetings to calculate how long it’ll take to get Thai tea boba. turns out the mail place is in the basement so I miss picking up my packages by a couple minutes. we walk back through Harvard Law and I’m starstruck. hey, she says, it would be the dream if we both went here. agreed. get back only to be invited back out and my afternoon is colored by cotton candy frappuccinos and linked in and wishing I was better at French. we get back. a boy stops and says hey, do you guys want to go get Chinese food? walking through the hazy colors as the sky fades to twilight just laughing and after that it’s soup dumplings and sweet and sour chicken. snide comments about alpha males and wow can you believe some people here and their quest for relationships but most importantly it’s laughing and the twinkle of city lights and crossing the street when you’re not supposed to. it’s girls. they way meetings to pick clothes for professional photography shifts to serious anger at the ways boys degrade us and stomp our opinions to the ground. a meeting about how the world needs more empathy and how at least now, we have each other and we don’t ever have to settle for second best. willing to fight for what we believe in, lipstick smiles that say, I dare him to say that again. but hey, I’ve got extra face masks if you want some. the meeting fades into cards in the common room. the muted argument over computer parts spread across a table mixes with shuffling cards and faster hands. she says, we have time for one more hand no matter how close it is to curfew. it blurs into quick meetings in the hallway, running downstairs to find more information and new group chats. in her room after curfew and she tells us things that normally would take her years to reveal. because where could you be yourself if not here. I try to leave quietly to not wake her up. showers in the middle of the night, and I push the handle and let the cold water wake me up. it’s finding your missing hair brush in places you swear you checked. and most importantly, it’s important enough to spend my time writing about in the middle of the night. fan speed two and veggie straws and whatever I can find to drink as I follow up a shot of red Gatorade with Dr Pepper and the way the album ultraviolence feels soft and poignant. sick and tired but no regrets because all of this was just today and wow can you imagine? how exciting this all is? we talk about our ambition and I realize that teams really are important, he could make me better. I’m saying, no seriously, when I get back let’s cofound a startup. and he doesn’t laugh. he’s dead serious and I am too. getting people who are talented and motivated on board is super exciting and I’m going through everything I’ve learned and hey, I’m going networking this Thursday. look, we’ll make it work. he’s all in. we’re going to make it work. she says, hey do you want to be on the board of my non profit? and the girls are coming together to create a non profit, an international podcast where we can be each others role models and create environments where girls will thrive. and god, this is so incredibly hard but I’m so much better for it. I’ll never see the world the same way. I can’t imagine being anywhere else.

[backlitsunshine]

I think I’ve spent my entire life running. nothing has ever been good enough, and here’s a fair warning: dreams are dangerous. mine slipped and the darkness hooked its claws into me, drawing murals down my back. waking up soaked in blood. it makes reality seem warped, and I keep running. but I’m home now. isn’t it wonderful when something is every bit as amazing as you knew it would be? all of a sudden, my world has been knocked off its axis and I’m seeing in solar eclipse. what I’m saying is I’ve never known a world where I wasn’t scared. fear holds you back. I’ve never seen a place where everyone feels the way I do. it’s invigorating, enlightening, inspiring. he keeps asking me, why. and I realize I don’t have answers. no excuses. of course he’s right. for the first time, when self doubt creeps in, I fight it. in a place like this, everything is possible. the darkness has no sway over me here. I can do anything I can put my mind to. the wool over my eyes has been so brutally ripped off. I can never see the world the same again. life changing doesn’t do it justice. I rose from the ashes of my torched soul. and the girl I should’ve been stands on the other side, helps me to my feet, and welcomes me home.

[backlitsunshine]

and yeah, there’s something magical to living in a world where everything is possible. there’s no closed doors. that’s it, the entire secret is to stop being scared and to start believing that you have the power of the stars in your hands. I can’t help thinking that this is the place I’ve been waiting for my entire life. that this is where I belong. we sit outside, and it looks like a scene from a fairytale. old Victorian architecture framed against a purple sky streaked with clouds. everyone is laughing, who in their right mind brought a projector, much less taped sheets to the wall outside. the pizza gets here, the movie starts, people cheering. we sit in a circle in the kitchen. I’m telling my stories about history, and everyone listens, engaged. isn’t that funny? Rasputin sat up in the fire when they cremated him. and don’t you know about how psychics do readings? or how the cia caught Russian spies? they listen. and I hear their stories too, from all around the world. today we go out even though it’s raining and there’s something so satisfying about the freedom. I buy some cute clothes from urban outfitters. we run into some of the others and watch as they prank their group members with the worst juice shots they could find. boba and thai food and I’m explaining, you know, I don’t know how I could ever go home after this. it’s speed boat tours and shopping downtown and everyone is always sharing. boys make me food three days in a row and I sit in the kitchen and smile, just to talk. and I watch Michael take people head on over things that should be facts. soft smiles, I’m quiet but I later text him, challenge accepted. over sixty pages of documents open on my computer, and god I remember what it’s like to live. these months have been so dull, lifeless, and I breathe intellectual life back into my veins. I talk to strangers with a smile, hi, do you mind if I ask you some questions? it’s knocks on my door Saturday morning and we go out to a buffet. you know, she says, you’re in the top three of prettiest girls here. and isn’t that funny. buying a Harry Potter pajama set, carrying huge packs of water bottles back from cvs, the boys burst into the kitchen. listen to this, we DDOSed his Shopify site. isn’t that funny? then people start yelling. let’s ddos edvance. we’re talking crazy amounts of ability everywhere here. I’m buzzed on caffeine in class and everything in the world seems possible. I can do everything that everyone here has done. I can network. I can make myself someone. it’s late now but I’m so content. we just met but hey you said there’s cool art in Harvard square and I’m going with you. boba for days, looking for atms, and hey, I don’t think I can ever leave this place.

[backlitsunshine]

so, it could be that these last three days have been the most radically transformative days of my entire life. I don’t even know where to begin. I feel entirely different. it’s crying, crying, crying. I don’t feel good enough at this, I’m not sure why I’m here, I feel like a fake. but I rise above it, and I remember why I’m here. they didn’t choose me by accident, I am just as good as everyone here. we’re sitting in the lecture halls of MIT, blackboards covered in chalk, and we’re shining, shining, shining. guest speakers specifically for us, and they say we’re the brightest with unmatched ambition. and for once, I see it. I find that I can’t take care of myself, my hands shake and shake and I’m counting on my fingers. missed breakfast, missed lunch, too busy to eat dinner. I want to go home, I can’t be trusted to take care of this body I inhabit, my muscles ache and I want to throw up. but it passes too. the girl next door brings me a sandwich for dinner, asks me if I have any plans. we go to target to get food, I make sure to drink water and take my medicine. I make sure I eat, and slowly my muscles grow stronger. I’m discouraged. our ideas aren’t going anywhere, and I feel wildly incompetent. tears sting the back of my eyes and I curse my team, and most importantly myself. then, we’re sitting on the floor in the dorms. the whiteboard is covered in sticky notes and we’re tossing ideas back and forth. we have one, it’s clever, I’m writing a pitch as they talk technical specs. there’s something inherently satisfying about the way an edited first draft looks, crossed out words, lines, and for the first time in ages I finish something. a Brazilian news source publishes a picture of our team. I joke I’m famous, but really, I remember what an incredible opportunity this is. I slip back into depression for a few hours, not understanding why all of a sudden I’m wanting to run, wanting to disappear. everything causes tears to spring to my eyes, I clench my fists and pray that the rain washes me out. it’s so incredibly lonely, but I can’t stand to talk to anyone and I remember that nobody here knows. it’s overwhelming, it’s not what I thought it would be. but then, I get it. the way I look at entrepreneurship is reframed completely, and sure we went into debt during the market simulator but, I get it. and I learn. for the first time, I learn from failing. and before I let despair overtake me, Larissa knocks at my door. let’s go out, she says. and so, we go to target and take a lyft and it’s us and she takes selfies. I snap out of it. over the coming hours, I feel whole again. I remember how badly I wanted to be friends with her, and now she hugs me and tells me she loves me, do I want her to bring me back Thai food? honorary roommates, she texts me in the middle of the night when it’s too hot and neither of us can sleep. the girl down the hall from turkey brings me coffee and Turkish delights. there’s always an invitation on the table, and one of my friends knocks in the middle of the night asking to borrow something. she says I’m the best, and I laugh, of course, it’s no problem at all. I can talk to anyone, do anything. but I fall miserably in love. that crashing possessive kind, that’s consuming, miserable, unearthly. he doesn’t text me first, he doesn’t talk to me, and I can feel what we had draining. all I can do is watch him, and I simmer, cursing him and wondering what I did wrong. maybe, just maybe if I cut him off he’ll come back. but it’s brutal, it burns, I want to cry and I don’t understand. so I prepare to burn myself at the stake. but in reality that’s not how you should go about things. I text him today telling him we should go out and explore Boston this weekend and he says yes. I say, there’s so much we need to see and do. and he says we definitely need to. I mention the two of us going to Harvard and he feels the same. and isn’t that funny? he makes a witty comment in class and everyone laughs and we make eye contact. I send him something right after telling him he’s a legend. and... I realize that nothing was wrong. we really just have been busy, that things haven’t changed. that you have to be a driving, positive force in your own life. because people are mirrors. never forget that. positive and proactive feel so cliche, but it’s true. who would want to hang out with someone who is clingy and possessive, oozing negative energy who keeps pulling back. him talking to other people isn’t a reflection on us. maybe this won’t culminate in a romantic relationship for the time being because god, we’re so busy but we match on some cosmic level and so losing him due to pettiness would be quite stupid. when things get tough, you have to try harder. so, when people ask me about it I say it’s been both awe inspiring and completely demoralizing. some moments feel utterly shattered, like cutting yourself on broken glass. but the most important thing is what I’ve built out of it. and right now, I feel so whole. I have so many great friends back home who I’ve started talking to on a regular basis again. I have so many great friends here. you just keep living, and learning while you’re at it. there’s not many feelings like fifteen people in a dorm crowded around a laptop playing shark tank as someone shares their grapes. when everyone winces at the rambling narrative of the pitch that misses the point. and how everyone yells when something savage happens, everyone crowded around a new laptop to turn it into a meme. everyone here is automatically friends, there’s nothing like the collective hush when the everyone in the lecture hall is on the Facebook group chat and a staff member catches on. how everyone stands up for something they feel is unfair, no matter how much authority they have. and it’s demanding and there’s so many long hours that makes it feel like I’ve been here for weeks. but, I feel different. stronger. like I can overcome anything now. and maybe in a couple days I’ll be crying again but when that happens, I’ll just learn some more. positive, engaging, a better friend, a better speaker, writer, story teller, a better entrepreneur and a better person.

[backlitsunshine]

the word that comes to mind is scared. baby, baby, I keep catching your eye. tell me, am I pretty enough. am I funny enough, am I what you thought I’d be? and I know, you’re not mine. you’re not a possession to be owned. but god when you came out dressed in business attire I think my heart dropped through the floor. eye contact, we smile, you talk to my younger brother and put up with my mom. is gatsby the good guy or the bad guy. and I don’t know the answer, just that they were all fucked up but at least he was only misguided and not malicious. I walk across the street and you make sure the cars don’t hit me. I look at you and you immediately look away. caught staring? but I can see it, so clearly that you’re going to break my heart. because you have a way with people, and they will love you like I do. I’m forced smiles, cheers to self deprecation, trying and trying and trying but you’ll see through it. and you’ll forget me. and I’m so scared. knowing looks and god you get me but god you deserve so much better.

[backlitsunshine]

I’m restless, so restless. creeping down the hall, the sigh of the floor boards, the fluorescent lights of the bathroom. it’s 1:37 am and my hands shake over pill bottles. I’m thinking of him again, wonder wondering wondering. I’m staring down the ghosts of my past and one by one they look me in the eye. they ask me, are you really good enough? you’re lying to yourself again, aren’t you? and even worse, you’re lying to him. so I hide under the covers and I hear patterns in the buzz of the lights. they sound like alarms. and hey, it’s late, go to sleep. but I can’t, or maybe I’m scared to. like don’t you know how much this means to me. that he’s going to be here, it’s going to be us, just us and nothing hurts more than the thought of him realizing the truth. I know this isn’t positive, that by now I should’ve stopped. cast off the ghosts. but he’s so perfect I can’t breathe. and he’s going to be here with me. I

[backlitsunshine]

I don’t even know how to write about you, but all I can think is that I’m in love. astronomically so. spell blindingly so. frighteningly so. I want to do everything on earth with you, and I think you feel it too. I can’t stop thinking of things that won’t be. slow dancing to street music, I don’t go home and I stay here with you. I wake up curled up between your arms and consequences be damned. we both go to Harvard, take the same classes, stay up until 4 am debating, learning, laughing. fingers intertwined and watch the river. dreams that seem too idealistic to be real, where others laugh and point out the odds but you get it. you get it. my standards are too high and I’ve been waiting all my life to watch them come crashing down. but you’re insistent, impressive, and please just I need someone who understands me. because I was wrong. I’m not the darkest parts of me. and you bring out the best in me. what if we do all of it. what if... I don’t know how to put it besides you’re all I can think about.

[backlitsunshine]

it's a funny thing. do you ever remember the untouchable beauty of the world? I walk in starlight. organic beings drawing power from our mother star for half of our lives. and the other half, we can see our distant relatives, winking at us from the beyond. take comfort in that. we coexist with so many species. I watch the bees. strange and exotic flora and fauna cover the surface of our planet and I get to see it. we have clouds and sunsets and oceans and flowers and wind and love. I remember now and see look at the odds a lonely rock would ever produce such a miracle. I take it for granted. my words can't do it justice. I'm trying to rediscover who I am and what I love and I just realized that it's so beautiful. I'm glad it's spring. I'm glad. so very, very glad

[backlitsunshine]

do you wonder why we keep going back to those who hurt us? I find it fascinating, the desire to be possessed and destroyed, worth it to think things are as they were if not but for a second. like it's okay if I'm in ruins if it's because of you. and why is that. lock and load. I hope you don't. perhaps that's karma.

#incomplete thoughts

[backlitsunshine]

I grew up on those summer nights by the water, chlorine on my lips and daring to wonder about infinity under star strewn skies. it was magical in a way, the shapes of trees darkened against the horizon and the way the glow of the pool shone bright against it all. once it was quiet, once the surface had smoothed over like glass, once the hours of play had become yet another memory of a summer night, I'd sit on the edge. it wouldn't be long until I watched a June bug launch itself into the water. my mom always used to say, they're attracted to the light. and there they'd be, desperate for it, entranced like siren song, but whatever they thought it would be, it wasn't. every time, I'd find myself saving them from succumbing to the water. and do you know what they did? crawl right back to the light. to their death. do you suppose they knew? or did it matter? of course, they're just bugs but it just occurred to me that in the years I've contemplated the meaning of throwing yourself into something no matter the consequence I've never seen myself in it. but perhaps I've missed it. captivated on dreams wholeheartedly for fleeting instances of time and don't you see it. the whiteboard is filled in grandiose plans and I can't commit to just half way. it's 'I want it so badly I think it might kill me' and staying up all night because can't you just imagine it? hyper focus and I guess I never learned the lesson about moths and flames because second place isn't enough. but what if first isn't enough either. and so yes, I did it, but what if that's all there is to life? collecting prestige in awards, titles, schools, programs, jobs. I throw myself headlong into the water convinced it'll make me happy and instead I drown. I guess you can't know until you're in the water. but once upon a time I read a quote I've never forgotten, asking if it was better to not get everything you ever wanted or to get it and find out it wasn't enough. it reminds me of gatsby. we talk about how when he lost daisy, the world was totally different for him in an instant. it became a place that he didn't know how to live in without that dream to guide him. but what if he had gotten daisy? it would become that place still yet. and what would it have been if daisy hadn't been all he had imagined her to be? in a way those summer nights were much simpler. I'd sit on the edge of the water and stare up at the stars, asking the big questions about things. maybe growing up is slipping into the deep end. but maybe it's also remembering that you know how to swim.

[backlitsunshine]

and they say he launched over a thousand ships that day. I'm just saying I'm not sure. did he do it because he loved her more than anything that the mortal world had to offer? or did he do it because she was the most beautiful woman created by the gods and he who could take her was the mightiest of both men and kings? and they say all is fair in love and war. it's the mystery of the eons, I beg of you to call out to the long dead gods and ask it of them. for, of course, ares and aphrodite were lovers. as long as you're the hero in the story.

#trojan war #writing

[backlitsunshine]

it’s a strange feeling to feel like the hole in my life has been filled with The Great Gatsby. it’s electric like broken love and falling stars on summer nights where it seems like infinity can be found between the waves. the characters are shattered mirrors, don’t you know? screaming obsession into the blistering sky and what does it mean to get everything you’ve ever dreamed of, only to lose it? cast aside and having to face an entirely new world, one you don’t know how to survive in, one maybe you don’t want to survive in because without her what’s the point? oh gatsby, how could you have loved her for what she really was? you loved an illusion, forgot she was only a person, something that wasn’t yours to own. beyond the artificial glow, the clink of champagne glasses over the sunrise on sleepless nights like the sound of wind through an empty mansions. it has seized my heart and won’t leave me because I fall for words. and Fitzgerald writes like it's autumn.

#the great gatsby #writing #old lmao but it was in my drafts