biggest-gaudiest-patronuses
biggest-gaudiest-patronuses
Patron Saint of Shitposts
Artisanal shitposts, handcrafted | Gaudy | they/them | autistic icon | ko-fi.com/GAUDY | paypal.me/GAUDIEST
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We looked inside some of the posts by biggest-gaudiest-patronuses and here's what we found interesting.
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I wish I were making this up
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people have always just been Like This (src)
kids these days with their sundials & their water clocks. when I was a boy we told time with our hunger pangs and we LIKED it
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kids these days with their sundials & their water clocks. when I was a boy we told time with our hunger pangs and we LIKED it
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I know I’ve said this before but vampires
don’t show up on camera
can fly/scale walls
immune to bullets
can break into any safe by turning into fog or some bullshit
could probably hypnotize security guards as needed
therefore I am in dire need of a heist film where a group of vampires band together to steal back their old stuff from museums
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absolutely devastated to report this already exists and it's a Alice in Wonderland product
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more doorknobs should have faces again
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ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME
the GRINCH X TONY THE TIGER Fanfic is live on ao3! hope this causes you all tremendous distress 😘
monthly subscribers can skip ahead to the next chapter
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*descends gently from the heavens on winged sandals i stole from hermes to hand you a single 3x5 index card containing a simple sentence of immeasurable power, written tidily in sharpie: ᴛɪɢᴇʀs ʜᴀᴠᴇ sᴛʀɪᴘᴇᴅ sᴋɪɴ *
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babe, there are a bunch of different types, that work in different ways depending on your brain's specific needs. there are mild or more powerful options, long-term and short-term options, medication you can take daily or simply as needed in times of increased stress. some meds are used to treat multiple issues; e.g. many antidepressants are commonly prescriped for anxiety. (heck, I'm on one, wellbutrin, that helps with both my anxiety and adhd.) if you're worried about the risks of a certain drug, there are other options your doctor can recommend. because again, there are a lot of different options!
medication isn't for everyone, and it takes trial and error to find what works best for each individual (and your needs may change over time). but for many of us the right medication can be life-changing. a good psychiatrist will explain your options and work with you to find the best solution for you personally. therapy is also a very important tool to consider, and typically works best together with proper medication management. so consider both! both is good!
if you're struggling, please talk to a doctor if you can. you don't need to commit to lifelong medication, you can just--try it and see. see if it helps. even just short-term take-as-needed prescriptions can be incredibly helpful when you're going through a rough patch.
above all, you deserve help when you are struggling. use whatever tools you can access.
I say this with the most tender of affection, but I feel like more of you bitches should be on anxiety medication
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that's not even me being mean-funny, I'm just seeing waaaaaaaay too many people with untreated anxiety, and that is an incredibly soul-sucking way to live. you deserve better, so please be aware that medication and therapy are both powerful treatment options to consider.
I say this with the most tender of affection, but I feel like more of you bitches should be on anxiety medication
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I say this with the most tender of affection, but I feel like more of you bitches should be on anxiety medication
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it is suddenly very relevant that the Capricorn zodiac symbol is a sea goat
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God those 7th grade vocabulary quizzes were fucking kosher man. usually I don't miss a goddamn thing about middle school but by golly I miss those friggin' vocab quizzes.
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actually this was going to be about feral peacocks but I've decided your version is funnier
you know how city pigeons are an invasive species that were originally imported as fancy domesticated pets? but then they were released into the wild and started breeding and are now technically feral?
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every emotion I have ever experienced exists on a spectrum that can be best and most concisely summarized by Ancient Egyptian Golden Death Masks
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don’t know what this emotion is called, but I’ve felt it every forsaken minute of every accursed day ever since the miserable curse of Sentience was thrust onto my unwilling aching shoulders
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this is also an accurate interpretation!!!
if two black holes collide a billion light-years away and no one hears, does it make a noise?
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wait wait wait, do babies try to latch on to the nipples of non-lactating parents too? is this a thing? do babies just automatically zero in on any nipple in the vicinity, regardless of the presence of breasts or breast milk? is this an experience cis men deal with I need to KNOW
UPDATE: based on the notes the answer is a resounding YES!!!
suggestions for gender neutral version of mom/dad? something less formal than just ‘parent’
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favorite fun fact to pull out at parties? preferably something that gets you weird looks
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tags: #moon likes her privacy  #always enjoyed the sapphic undertones of that specific myth. 'yeah artemis and her group of young devoted handmaidens who have sworn off the company of men are enjoying communal bathtime'  #'highly private no men allowed trespassers will be shot/fed to their own hunting hounds'  #like i get the 'any man who invades our privacy will be punished with extreme prejudice' totally agree, but i super appreciate how they go above and beyond to:'any man who catches a glimpse of our private activities will be murdered immediately before having a chance to start rumors'  #the moon goddess really said 'all eye witnesses must die' and i respect that.
i once took some excellent photos of the moon on an unusually crisp & clear evening, and that very night my slumbers were hounded by visions of a dark forest, filled with trees that came alive to chase and consume me. and in the morning all i could think was ‘well FUCK the greeks tried to warn me’
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this one comment is worse than anything else in this post.
You can't possibly give me anxiety about tables
around the time i first watched Beauty and the Beast, my childhood play table broke; we had to glue to wood back together. i had a lot of nighttime anxiety as a kid, and naturally this led to me staying up late tossing & turning in bed, because what if that happened to a piece of enchanted furniture in Beauty and the Beast? imagine, you’re an 18th cent french servant and your young dumbass master summons a curse down on the house. he turns into a badass wolf monster while you, a lowly peasant, turn into a fucking TABLE. years pass. one day, that stupid dog-footstool comes running out of nowhere as you’re trotting down the hall, and BAM–your leg comes off! your leg just cracks off, splinters and all. then what? how the heck do you respond to that? well your master has spent the last 10 years trashing the place, so you’re probably not going to ask him to take a look at it, he’d probably smash you to bits (and not in the fun monster-smash ;) way, in the smashing-furniture-bc-he-has-big-claws-and-the-emotional-capacity-of-a-teaspoon way). still, you don’t have thumbs so you’re probably stuck asking that insufferable candlestick for help gluing the damn thing back on, assuming he doesn’t light you on fire in the process. so let’s say that happens, and a few years pass & your master gets his head out of his ass long enough to break the curse. my question in, what now? you’ve spent years walking around on a leg that was literally separated from your body. in an enchanted castle, does glue function as the magical equivalent of reattachment surgery OR have you just been walking around all this time on what would in any other situation be a dead decaying amputated leg? does the leg start decaying as soon as the enchantment is reversed, or is it basically just bone and rotten cartilage by now?? for that matter, has your human body kept aging all these years or is it returned to the state directly prior to the original transformation? does the 10 years spent as furniture count against your lifespan?
that’s not even getting on the subject of the baby teacup with a literal chip around the area where his skullcap would be. does that count as a traumatic brain injury? also, tables have 4 legs but humans have arms and legs, so how would you know until the enchantment is broken whether had an arm or a leg amputated? would you know ahead of time which is which or would it just be a wait-and-see kind of deal? would you even know the terms & conditions of the curse? would you have spent the last few years agonizing over whether or not you even want to break the curse, bc you have no way of knowing whether that means you lose an arm or a leg or straight up die of blood loss? alternatively, would the original injury already have killed you if not for the curse? are you supposed to be grateful to that fuck of a fairy? surely not. these are questions that my seven-year-old-self found most haunting
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