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my record player is cheap as shit and the needle keeps skipping so i put a tiny pig on it as an arm weight

it’s lighter than a coin and working perfectly so i’m just gonna. not bother the pig

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Playful CEO 

A CEO of a multinational corporation was flying across the Pacific and decided he had to go to the bathroom. So he got up and started walking down the aisle, but just as he passed the plane door it malfunctioned, opened and he was sucked out.

Miraculously he survived landing in the water and saw a tropical island nearby. He swam to it, certain that he would soon be rescued. However, fifteen years passed and no one came to his rescue. Fortunately there was a spring on the island and he survived on coconuts and fish.

Finally one day, as he was drawing sand pictures at the beach, he sees a woman in a trim-fitting scuba outfit emerge from the ocean.

She is beautiful!

She says, “Are you Fred Jacobson?” He says, “Why yes I am.”

“Congratulations, I am from Rescue Inc., and we have been attempting to find you since you were lost. Now tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a smoke?”

“Well, of course it’s been about 15 years.”

So she reaches down the front of her wet-suit on the left side and pulls out a package of Players cigarettes. “How in the world did you know that my favorite brand was Players?”

“We have researched all of your preferences very carefully Fred, we want to do a good job.”

So as Fred is taking a deep, satisfying drag on his cigarette, the rescuer says, “And how long has it been since you’ve had a drink?”

“Well, that’s fifteen years too.” And so she reaches down inside the wetsuit on the other side and pulls out a bottle of Jack Daniels.

“How did you know that Jack Daniels was my favorite drink?”

“Well, Fred, as I said we have looked into all of those things too, do you mind if I have a drink too?”

“No, of course not.” And they both put a couple away.

Then, as she starts to peel off the wet suit she says, “And tell me Fred, how long has it been since you’ve played around?”

“Don’t tell me you’ve got a set of golf clubs in there!”

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two days until the biggest crossover event of the year, easter sunday and trans day of visibility (sincerely, a catholic transmasc)

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Fanfic tiktok is wild... I see so many people saying shit like "I could never read anything below 60k!!", or "What story can you even tell in under 5k words?" or "A oneshot below 10k isn't even a story!" or "I always filter completed fics by 100k< only!"

And I'm like...

A) which fandoms are you reading fics for where you have this kind of offerings on the regular?

B) have you heard of short stories? If you truly think every story NEEDS to be longform to connect with people, I sincerely feel sorry for you.

C) Average novel length is between 50k to 100k. I'm sorry, but CONSISTENTLY demanding fic writers to push out fics of that length is insane. Just think about it: YOU DEMAND AUTHORS TO PUT OUT FICS THAT COMPARE TO COMMERCIAL NOVELS IN LENGTH (AND QUALITY) AS A BASELINE.

Yall are wilding.

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you motherfuckers better be lifting with your legs and not your back

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real this is so freaking real

hell is truly not enough for these fuckers

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it keeps evolving

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I was having a stinky day but that click for frogs just lit me up ngl <3333

#frogs #frog #frogs frogs frogs #amphibians

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Pause it. Win. Or don't.

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touhous with jobs

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his legal name being 'and ken' is so genius he's literally just barbie's accessory this movie is for real men

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DO IT

peeling those sour rainbow gummy strips into long thin strings and putting them into cheap energy drink to create something im calling battery acid spaghetti will update once ive finished it

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call 1-800-MIASMA to get your humors balanced... TODAY!

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It's been nearly 2 days and the site is still under emergency maintenance

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BABES WAKE UP TODAY’S A NATIONAL HOLIDAY 🌈🐀

🎶NEIL IS BANGING OUT THE TUNES🎶

My (old) contribution to the beautiful day that is april 13th

Keep at it with the tunes.