braindumpformyhead

[braindumpformyhead]

Update: we haven’t spoken in over a month lol I am positive we aren’t friends anymore

Am I just being ridiculous or is my best friend starting to become overwhelmingly annoying and grating to be around? Is this normal?

Life update in tags

[braindumpformyhead]

The snide remarks from my father are starting to get on my nerves.

I was joking around about working at spirit for two weeks with my bf and best friend who just got hired on the spot, but my mom told me it’s not worth the single paycheck which makes sense. I’m probably not gonna work there no matter how much I want to just so I can see my friends more.

My dad on the other hand, has to pop off and say “always trying to hangout with your buddies, what is it with that??” (Context: this is after yesterday when he accused me of lying and trying to get out of chores when I asked him if I could go to Panera to study for my midterms)

As if he wasn’t hanging out with his “buddies” all the time when he was 17-18 years old AND failing school/getting into trouble all the time!! I’m hanging out with my friends and remaining a straight A student!! I feel like I should get some incentive for being a perfect student but no, I get interrogated and accused of lying every time I ask for permission to do anything. Just having the audacity to ask is offensive to my dad. At least my mom listens to me before telling me no.

#⚫️

[braindumpformyhead]

Am I just being ridiculous or is my best friend starting to become overwhelmingly annoying and grating to be around? Is this normal?

Life update in tags

#the problem is that they are a very negative and degrading person #lot of un alive jokes #constantly complaining about how lonely they are anytime I mention being happy with my bf #self body shaming #that and they are unnecessarily stubborn and mean in a joking way but it’s not that funny anymore #and our problems are very different cause their in a completely different tax bracket and they don’t understand some of what I go through :/ #oh and they trauma dump on anybody near and like to only ever make jokes about their trauma and I know that’s a normal thing sometimes but #it’s gotten to the point where it’s like every joke and I’m worried about them but I’m tired of hearing them all the time #ugh #I don’t wanna like stop being friends with them cause I feel guilty that they don’t have a lot of good close friends but at the same time #I’m tired of being the one everyone wants to dump their problems on #this creep in my French class also dumps all his problems on me expecting me to help him and I’m on his ex’s side of the breakup so I brush #him off every time #I knew there was a reason for this account #I’d rather bleh dump here then make someone else listen to me #speaking of which #my anxiety is jumping again and I feel like I’ve become too annoying for my bf and the idea of him leaving me because of it is back lol #it’ll go away when we both aren’t as busy and I think we’re hanging out this weekend #I saw him today cause he has a tournament so he’s at the main school #literal hear palpitations just seeing him lol #hhhhh ok that’s enough life update

[braindumpformyhead]

L’s dad just got him a new puppy, two days after their dog died in L’s backseat. I’m concerned.

Holding him when his world is falling apart, knowing the next couple weeks are going to be tough, watching him breakdown and knowing I can’t fix it but being there for him when he wants me there. It’s going to be ok but for now he is going to hurt, which is entirely understandable.

I saw how it happened, I know what he went through, i was there when the fear set in, I watched him drive while tears streamed down his face, I heard his cries when he knew she was gone, and I held him when he pulled himself up to do his job the next day

[braindumpformyhead]

Holding him when his world is falling apart, knowing the next couple weeks are going to be tough, watching him breakdown and knowing I can’t fix it but being there for him when he wants me there. It’s going to be ok but for now he is going to hurt, which is entirely understandable.

I saw how it happened, I know what he went through, i was there when the fear set in, I watched him drive while tears streamed down his face, I heard his cries when he knew she was gone, and I held him when he pulled himself up to do his job the next day

#⚫️ #he didn’t go to school today but he did make it to rehearsal #he is a mess right now but at least he showed up #I made him a new bracelet and I gave him a big hug when I saw him #he’s going to school tomorrow so I’ll see him in the morning but idk what state he’ll be in #probably tired and stressed from what he missed yesterday #I just want to hold him until he feels better

[braindumpformyhead]

9/18/22

I hate that the sun is out

I hate that the rain has stopped

I hate looking back and realizing there was more that could have been done

I hate that we’re kids who don’t know what we’re doing

I hate that there was no one who did

I hate knowing that our lack of knowing has such affect

I hate knowing how much this will affect you

I hate the lack of sound

But I hate the sound of your cries

I wish I could fix everything

But there’s no replacing a dog in a boys life

#⚫️ #shitty little poem about the shitty day I had

[braindumpformyhead]

Ok literally gonna cry

So I was sad last night/morning because of my anxiety over L not likening me and being too busy for me, right?? L picked me up this morning like he always does (granted a little late) and we went to school but it was like a silent car ride, even his friend was quiet, and I had to leave as soon as we got to school because we were running late so I didn’t really say bye and I walked by myself to class. Was pretty upset about it, ngl but whatever, shit happens.

This man. He texted me as soon as class started (he’s in band so I never know if he’s on the field or not) and asked me if I was ok and apologized for being late. Obviously I’m not mad, shit happens, but the fact that he checked in on me like. Not fixes but definitely helped with the anxiety I was feeling last night this morning. I didn’t even realize he could tell something was wrong, I figured he would be rushing like last night. I’m still not feeling 100% but he definitely made my day better :)

#💕 #i didn’t get to bed till like 1 this morning #i had already tried sleeping the melancholy off but it didn’t work so I was awake just feeling sad #i have a monster this morning tho so I’m not going to be sleeping in class #maybe I’ll get to see him tonight or tomorrow #wait ahit there’s a game tonight #i gotta put chairs in besties car so we can sneak in after work #maybe I’ll hang with him afterwards

[braindumpformyhead]

Having the love language of physical touch and spending time together does not turn out well when your boyfriend has the BUSIEST SCHEDULE KNOWN TO MAN

… I miss him and I saw him like five hours ago, but he was in a rush so I hardly got to even talk to him and now I’m stuck with this anxiety that he doesn’t want to be around me anymore and that I like him more than he likes me and I don’t want to text him even tho I know he’s free rn because it’s not fair to dump my selfish issues on him when it’s not his fault and when he’s so busy with all his involvements

#he’s also been sick so I am literally being entirely selfish rn just by being sad he has very little time to hangout #⚫️ #💕

[braindumpformyhead]

It’s been a minute but he’s an update on love life

I have a boyfriend!! We have now been officially dating since the end of June. Today was really nice cause we spent basically all afternoon together, he didn’t leave till like 7. I really loved spending most of my day with him cause neither of us have been home for the last week so we haven’t seen each other.

He met my mom and grandma today, we went and had lunch. He didn’t realize till we got back that I was ok with being open around them, he’s used to pretending around his conservative family. I felt kinda bad tho, he kinda had to be somewhere before five (car shop or somethin) and we ended up just cuddling and making out till we realized it was too late lmao.

I’m gonna start sending him good morning texts cause we don’t talk a lot (neither of us are huge talkers, but I don’t like radio silence soo) Oh and his birthday is on Thursday so I’m working on making him something :)

I really like him and I really hope this lasts, he has a good dating track record (better than mine time wise) so hopefully this lasts more than just a few months

#💕

[braindumpformyhead]

I finally feel like we’re close to something. Anything. Hopefully a relationship, but at this point idc (I do care but that’s besides the point). We hung out today and kissed a bunch and made plans for Monday, but he said he’ll text me this week and also that he didn’t want to leave but neither one of us want my parents to be around when we hang out sooo he left. I’m glad he still likes me tho, it just feels right being close to him, I just wish we were close more often instead of once a week lol

#💕

[braindumpformyhead]

Excuse me while I just AHHHAGAGAAAGERGAAAAGEGRRAAHHH

#I want to date him #I don’t want to be confused about us #I literally can not stop thinking about him #I just AJSGGAHAGGGRGRGRH #Angry yelling #I’m too scared to ask him anything cause I don’t want things to go south but we hardly talk so I don’t think we’re ready for a relationship #ugh #anywho

[braindumpformyhead]

After two weeks of trying and failing to hang out at my house, me and L finally got to hangout in my empty house

We got interrupted twice by my dad and little brother coming home which since it’s pride month I’m calling it a hate crime

I kinda went overboard and made a blanket and pillow pile because unlike him I don’t have a tv in my room so we had to be in the front room lol

We ended up watching little shop of horrors and most of the first two episodes of stranger things

He’s going to be gone for the next week and a half so I won’t be able to see him, but I’ll try texting him in a day or two when he gets to debate camp (lol nerd)

He kissed me goodbye,, we smiled and laughed a lot,, I was starting to worry if all my anxiety over “us” was worth it, but I’m a simp so the second he kissed me all my worries went away

I’m trying not to get too attached while also trying not to get too defensive of my feelings, I’m just hoping things go somewhere between us

#💕 #changing tag because we have finally lost contact with J since he graduated

[braindumpformyhead]

“Once your done with you attitude…”

Fuck. You.

Wow it’s almost like learning things requires help?? Funny how that works!! /s

Rant in the tags.

#I am so sick and tired of people treating me like a whiny teenage girl #I NEED HELP NOT JUDGMENT GOD FUCK WHY IS THAT SO HARD TO REALIZE #Literally been crying because I’m so frustrated and I hate fucking crying but I don’t know how to stop and I hate estrogen for making me cry #I’m just not going to go upstairs or answer him #fuck him #and fuck my asshole of a brother two for thinking I’m the asshole for asking people to help me wake up at the right time #thank you mom for being a reasonable human being and actually listen to me instead of blaming me for everything wrong in my life #💥

[braindumpformyhead]

Wow it’s almost like learning things requires help?? Funny how that works!! /s

Rant in the tags.

#been wanting to go to the dmv to get my permit renewed #been talking about it all week #the day comes #I wake up at 2 which isn’t normal #get a text from dad saying I missed the dmv #go upstairs for him to tell me that he isn’t going to hold my hand and that I should have known they close at noon #as if that’s just something I should know off the top of my head #then blame me once again for being lazy and not waking up at a decent time as if I knew I should have set an alarm #sorry I don’t have an internal clock like EVERYONE ELSE IN THE FUCKING UNIVERSE #WOULD IT KILL YOU TO HELP ME ONCE AND A WHILE INSTEAD OF LETTING ME SUFFER WITH SHIT I CANT CONTROL???? #I am asking for such a little bit of help is it really so terrible

[braindumpformyhead]

After reviewing notes from my philosophy class, I have decided that no matter what, I chose the least harmful option out of everything that could have happened regarding me, J, and L.

If I had sided with J, they still would have been hurt over knowing L liked me and would have only been happy at L’s pain of getting rejected by me while I would have been left angry and hurt because of everything going on.

Instead, I chose to hear L out and talk to him about it all, which left J angry and hurt and me feeling guilty, but L and I are working on being happy together and J just graduated and doesn’t have to deal with either one of us anymore anyway.

Thank you utilitarianism for clearing my conscience

#✅ #this is the end of the J and L situation

[braindumpformyhead]

Mmm yes the guilt is back…

#talked to the outside friend of J’s #ugh #we’re all done with it #J and L hate eachother #I feel really guilty for going with L even tho J and I are I think fine at least #I kinda wanna cry #I hate this #✅ #⚫️

[braindumpformyhead]

I’m Afraid to Crave

I’m afraid to wrap my arms around you

But I need your weight on my chest

I’m afraid to hold your hand

But your my strongest anchor

I’m afraid to kiss your lips

But I yearn for your affection

I’m afraid to speak around you

But I want all your attention

I’m afraid you’ll walk away

But I know it’ll be my fault

Because

I’m afraid to touch

But I crave it so so much

#hi this is relevant again #💕