cater-to-the-hollow

[cater-to-the-hollow]

and the worst part is there’s no one i can tell about it. my partner hates when i bring it up bc she was the kind of disabled kid schools hated (which, that’s fair), the last person i’d be close enough to call a “friend” from school hates me too bc she can’t fucking get over herself, i can’t talk to my brother about it bc he’s a fucking pornbrained creep who enjoys being contrary for the sake of it, and none of my other current friends will understand or hear me out about it. the last thing i want to be anymore is “special.” i just want people to care. that’s all i’ve ever wanted.

[cater-to-the-hollow]

this is a vent don’t rb/repost

i don’t ever want to hear the “gifted kids are privileged” bullshit again. i was terrified of being even slightly less than perfect, because i knew my parents would stop loving me if i was. i got even more work with even less support, anxiety problems as a result of people taking advantage of my autism, and trauma from having to appeal to adults and never being able to satisfy them my entire childhood, and you tell me i’m “privileged?” that i need to “get a new personality?” sorry my trauma isn’t fucking palatable enough for you, i was only conditioned for thirteen years to be perfect.

i never got an opportunity to be a kid. i was only a status symbol. yes, disabled and failing kids also have it bad, i don’t deny that. but people dismissing other disabled kids that were taken advantage of and overworked as “privileged”/“sad they’re not special anymore” is fucking cruel. i can’t even run my own life. i don’t have a license, i don’t have a job, i never learned most basic things to run your own life. why is that? because i was too busy with fucking school, because the way i was raised, that was the only thing i thought i was good for.

not knowing most basic life skills after devoting most/all of your time in your formative years to academics, it’d be hard not to feel useless. but oh, i just “still want to be special,” right?

[cater-to-the-hollow]

why did she say that about me right when we started calling? does she hate me? she knows i’ve had a lot of negativity and stress lately, so why would she start by calling my trauma privileged like that?

[cater-to-the-hollow]

m crying over these vintage records she had that she wanted to show me but she left them in her car and they melted waaaa :(

#records are so important to me you dont even know

[cater-to-the-hollow]

i hate everything about my life and the world i’m going to destroy something with my teeth and hands

[cater-to-the-hollow]

this is a vent don’t rb

god i fucking hate sexist women on the internet. you’re not even fucking trying. you’re stupid and bigoted for buying into those mra lies and leaving every other woman to rot because you think you’re too good for us. you think “men having problems too :(” is enough reason to let men get away with rape, murder, hate crimes, sex trafficking, i can’t even list it all. as much as it shouldn’t, it all makes those thoughts come back and i don’t have anything to take it out on and it makes me so fucking mad

#dnrb

[cater-to-the-hollow]

It’s happening again. I tried to delete the posts where I was scared of her, but it’s happening again. I genuinely do love her and want to be with her, and it’s my fault she’s mad at me for not being productive. I am making her carry the relationship, and I can make that better by getting that job. I still don’t want to full on move in with her yet. But why would this character not want to move in with her? Uncertainty. She’s scared of what could happen. She’s scared of breaking up, or her getting mad at her. She’s scared of everything failing. But most importantly, she’s never branched out like this before. She’s never gone outside of her mother’s comfort zone. She can’t even drive. She’s scared of everything. How does she solve it?

[cater-to-the-hollow]

god i need to get to bed earlier bc this always happens. i get really paranoid and down on myself for no particular reason then i look at the clock and it’s like 2am

#vent

[cater-to-the-hollow]

me culture is scrolling through this blog i made in the middle of my super dramatic identity crisis and feeling super guilty for ever being scared of my s/o or thinking they were gonna hurt me bc realistically they would never and i was just very mentally fragile

#and don’t fucking try to gaslight me into thinking they would #it really was just me being mentally ill and i’m not gaslighting myself in saying that #vent

[cater-to-the-hollow]

there are certain blogs on here that try to paint abusers/toxic people as supervillains who are only out to hurt people for fun, and even at my most wounded and broken, i’ve never been able to sympathize with that.

maybe it helps for other people, but for me, it just doesn’t make sense. why would a person want to hurt someone else for fun? why would they actively seek out people to hurt? no one actively wants to be the bad guy just to ruin other people for the rest of their lives, it makes no sense.

#not really vent just my thoughts ig

[cater-to-the-hollow]

let’s play a fun game called

is it not being a woman or being a woman but hating yourself for it?

is it body dysphoria or is it trauma from years of being sexualized just for existing?

is it social dysphoria or is it hurting from everyday sexism?

is it voice dysphoria or is it feeling sick of putting up with men telling you how to speak “professionally” (read: like them)?

is it clothing dysphoria or is it being upset at the high standards women are put at just to exist?

is it feeling uncomfortable with the pronoun “she” because it feels like misgendering or is it because of the internalized negative association with women?

is it hating being a woman because you’re not one or is it because society has taught you that womanhood is pain?

is it dysphoria or is it internalized misogyny?

[cater-to-the-hollow]

i’m so fucking done with this fucking website.

i try to make one positivity post about being bisexual since i’ve been literally sent gore over it, and what fucking happens? someone tells me it’s basically a non-issue and i’m worrying about nothing.

i wasn’t subject to fucking death threats over a non-issue. you people make me want to claw my fucking skin off. i don’t need to “go outside,” you need to learn how to have some fucking sympathy. i’m fucking fed up with the biphobia in this community. it makes me want to bash my head into a fucking wall. i’d scream my lungs out right now if i could, but i can’t.

because i’m not allowed to voice my discomfort. even in spaces specifically meant for women to band together and support one another, i can’t fucking let this out. i can’t be supportive to other women who are told they deserve to die and get raped just for being attracted to men, i can’t speak about my experience, and i definitely can’t be proud of being bisexual.

i’m really fucking close to relapsing. i’m not even joking. i want to scratch my skin off and make myself bleed again, i want to feel it hurt and sting for days, i want to hurt so bad. there’s too much going on and not enough all at once and i can’t stand it, the only way to help is to bleed. i want to hurt again. then i’d be crying over something that actually matters. 

#vent #sh tw

[cater-to-the-hollow]

i’ll just be real, that political sideblog is a radfem blog. i thought that i accepted i’m afab and this will never change no matter how i identify, but the dysphoria hasn’t gone away. i still don’t want to be a girl. and not just in a societal sense either, just in general. i don’t feel like this is me. 

the label nonbinary feels a lot more comfortable, but i don’t know if that means i’m actually nonbinary or if it’s just internalized misogyny. either way, even if i was, i can’t just be an openly nonbinary radfem. feminism is a topic i’m very passionate about, and binary trans people have a hard enough time on there, let alone nonbinary.

i just wish i didn’t have to recognize my sex or my gender. i wish there wasn’t this much pressure to find a label, and in my heart i know i’m nonbinary and if it makes me happy, i should use that label again, but i know i’d never know peace if i did. most of all, though, i don’t know how my girlfriend would take it. she’s always been accepting, even through my identity crisis, but it felt like she was just trying to steer me in the direction of femaleness. it’s just that sometimes i get like this and it gets really fucking uncomfortable calling myself female and i can’t stand defining myself by my sex. 

i just want to be nonbinary again. i can’t think of myself being happy without it, but i’m scared of how it’ll affect others. i’m not trying to identify out of my oppression, i recognize i’m still afab and will always be recognized that way by society. i don’t care. i can’t stand calling myself a woman anymore. i’m not trying to escape misogyny. i know i’ll always be subject to that. i just don’t want to be something i’m not anymore.

#vent #feel free to reply if you have advice i actually kinda really need it #i know the ''correct'' answer is to identify as nonbinary but idk am i really or does that just make me happy

[cater-to-the-hollow]

that account is now gone :) thank god

OH MY FUCKING GOD IT FEELS SO GOOD TO BE SAFE OH GOD

so i run a side political account that i’m not gonna leak for safety reasons and a few days ago someone tried to suibait me on there. i posted the screenshots to publicly shame them, but they started getting a ton of anon hate and thought it was all me. now they’re suibaiting me even harder, plus sending me homophobic death threats and gore.

first of all lmao @ thinking i’m that obsessed with you, none of those hate messages were me fucking dumbass. the whole world doesn’t revolve around you.

second imagine not having any hobbies and just wasting your time suibaiting someone on the internet for no reason. how much do you guys wanna bet they’re 14 years old, coping and crying in their room trying to create yet another account to send me gore on?

third, and this is a cheap shot but like. they mentioned they were suicidal and still sending someone else death threats for no reason? i understand you’re hurting a lot but like. if you’re gonna do it do it. it’d make my life easier at least lmao.

btw dw i blocked them from this account, there’s no way they’re gonna find out.

i keep acting like i don’t care about it but i lowkey do, hence the title. believe it or not, it is upsetting to be sent gore and receive death threats for like, what, a week now? it’s just really tiring and upsetting and frustrating knowing no matter where i go, no matter where i turn to, i will never be happy. there will always be people who want to hurt me, want to kill me. 

last time i felt like this it was late and i just decided to go to sleep. it’s still late now, but i don’t think i can sleep after that. 

[cater-to-the-hollow]

OH MY FUCKING GOD IT FEELS SO GOOD TO BE SAFE OH GOD

so i run a side political account that i’m not gonna leak for safety reasons and a few days ago someone tried to suibait me on there. i posted the screenshots to publicly shame them, but they started getting a ton of anon hate and thought it was all me. now they’re suibaiting me even harder, plus sending me homophobic death threats and gore.

first of all lmao @ thinking i’m that obsessed with you, none of those hate messages were me fucking dumbass. the whole world doesn’t revolve around you.

second imagine not having any hobbies and just wasting your time suibaiting someone on the internet for no reason. how much do you guys wanna bet they’re 14 years old, coping and crying in their room trying to create yet another account to send me gore on?

third, and this is a cheap shot but like. they mentioned they were suicidal and still sending someone else death threats for no reason? i understand you’re hurting a lot but like. if you’re gonna do it do it. it’d make my life easier at least lmao.

btw dw i blocked them from this account, there’s no way they’re gonna find out.

i keep acting like i don’t care about it but i lowkey do, hence the title. believe it or not, it is upsetting to be sent gore and receive death threats for like, what, a week now? it’s just really tiring and upsetting and frustrating knowing no matter where i go, no matter where i turn to, i will never be happy. there will always be people who want to hurt me, want to kill me. 

last time i felt like this it was late and i just decided to go to sleep. it’s still late now, but i don’t think i can sleep after that. 

[cater-to-the-hollow]

when the hypersexual is sex repulsed

#vent

[cater-to-the-hollow]

me culture is only being productive when you’re crying your eyes out to keep your hands busy so you don’t tear your arms open or handrape yourself or anything worse

#vent #sh tw #selharm tw #self harm tw #rape tw #r@pe tw #sa tw