daffythefox

[daffythefox]

You are allowed to say "no" when you don't have the bandwidth for them, or when you know that whatever it is they're dealing with is better dealt with by a therapist than you. Healthy venting respects this, whereas dumping tries to make you feel like a bad person for saying no (or trying to say no). Healthy venting does its own emotional labor; dumping tries to make you do someone else's emotional labor for them.

[daffythefox]

So here's a my hot take about "social anxiety," and "being afraid to ask others for help."

After years and years of personal growth, I still get people treating my "aversion to asking for things" as some internal problem with my brain.

But let me tell you one thing.

You might be able to conquer any nagging sense that you "don't deserve" help from others. Then you might go on to vanquish any exaggerated idea of how much harm or trouble or inconvenience your request would cause someone else. And after that, you could totally wipe out any excess of anxiety about how angry someone else might be at you for asking.

But all this WILL NOT CHANGE the fact that:

Other people have lives of their own

Your requests usually are not (and should not be!) another person's first priority

People cannot be expected to have perfect memories and keep your request in their minds all the time

And therefore, if you have any ability to do a thing for yourself-- even something far outside both your skillset and your responsibilities-- even if it's very difficult to do on your own-- it's still very often MUCH EASIER than trying to get another person to do it for you.

Example:

I mention a project I want to do. I think I can do it with just a saw and hammer and nails that I already have. But my roommate, who has more woodworking equipment and more experience than me, says he'll help.

I say thanks, and ask him when. He says "well, I can't today, maybe Saturday?" So I wait til Saturday. At which point he's forgotten and planned something else, so he can't that day. Is Wednesday afternoon okay?

Sure (I put notes all over the apartment to make sure he doesn't forget this time). And he doesn't forget-- but he has to cancel anyway because the dog unexpectedly has to go to the vet that day. We reschedule for Friday. We get started on the project… at which point he suddenly concludes that we actually need a part that we don't have right now, and he'll have to buy it. That'll take a few days at least, so we have to reschedule again.

And now his schedule's busier than he thought, and he doesn't know when's the next time he'll be available. He says he'll let me know when. But weeks and weeks go by, and he doesn't. If I remind him, either he'll reassure me that he promised to tell me if he has any free time, and he's still gonna let me know when, I just have to be patient… OR he'll apologize for forgetting, and reassure me that he'll remember to tell me NEXT time he has a free afternoon.

Maybe a couple times he does message me, with less than an hour to spare, to give me a heads up that he's free now. But of course, on such short notice, I myself can't always arrange to be free-- and if he does this enough times and gets a "no" from me each time, he'll start feeling it's no longer worth trying and he'll stop.

At this point, my entire self wishes that I'd just done the project on my own, with my own inferior skills and whatever equipment I could scrounge up myself. It wouldn't be as good, maybe. But even if I had to try a few times to make it passably okay, then at least I would have learned something-- and in any case, it would be DONE now. I wouldn't be sitting here waiting, dependent on someone who does not have my project anywhere NEAR the top of his priorities.

Same goes for asking for something back that someone's borrowed from me. (Assuming my time is worth minimum wage, it's usually cheaper just to buy a new one.)

Same goes for asking my boss for an accommodation that would really help but I can sorta get by without. (I've seen coworkers having to remind management repeatedly about accommodations they get. It's almost a whole second job.)

Same goes for the colored pencils I just ordered while staying at my mom's house, upon which she reminded me that I really should have asked her first, because there are "tons" of art supplies in the house already. (Sure-- but how soon can you be available to look for them? And once looking, how quickly could you find them? And if they aren't quite what I was looking for, but you "feel certain" that the thing I was looking for "is also around here somewhere," then how many days should I give you to remember where it is? And how many times during those days should I check in with you, just to see if you actually still remember my request and are actually still trying to find it?)

In my experience, more often than not, asking another person for something (no matter how well-meaning they are) will put them in a position of oblivious, incompetently wielded power over me, long before they even begin to grant my request.

And in my experience, more often than not, that is a fate to be avoided if at all possible-- by any means-- up to and including doing things for myself that I "shouldn't have to do."

And no amount of therapy and self-help on my own brain is gonna change that.

[daffythefox]

its so awesome that everything good that happens to me has to be followed by immense suffering of some kind every single time

[daffythefox]

i may be dependent on him and this may be an issue

#me when i #ty

[daffythefox]

"But you don't look like a narcissist"

Oh mb *sharpies my eyes black*

[daffythefox]

I wish I could tell you how much longer things are going to be like this. But I can’t. What I can tell you is that you are going to make it. You’re going to make it through.

[daffythefox]

I so badly did not want to be right about this

#fuck yeah this hits #rb

[daffythefox]

my npd thoughts that also do apply to neurotypicals:

if someone openly asks for attention or praise I think that’s something that should be responded to because everyone is always told to be open about their wants and needs but it still feels like “directly asking for attention when you want it” is some kind of weird taboo thing or whatever and also that thing that’s like “a lot of people probably admire you but are too shy to let you know” well that’s an opportunity for them to open up yknow. I just think that people being open about what they want is important even if it’s for “shallow” things like praise or attention or whatever. ppl are always mocked for “fishing for compliments” so let’s stop fishing and just put up a big sign that says “please tell me I’m cool/pretty/skilled/likeable” and the people who care will do that. yay such a good idea from me. let’s go

[daffythefox]

You might not have been my first love but you were the love that made all other loves seem irrelevant.

[daffythefox]

npd possessiveness has me like omg. i MUST have these people. they are so so special and interesting i MUST have them. i can share but they must be MINE as well. mine mine mine mine

[daffythefox]

Guy who fakes his death every time he gets mildly embarrassed about something he did

[daffythefox]

this is genuinely where I believe cluster b personality disorders come from. it's just the villain arc of ptsd

[daffythefox]

i have come to the conclusion that life is not about being the smartest or the prettiest or the richest it is actually about feeling the cool breeze from an open window and listening to music in the car and drinking the leftover milk after you have cereal and it's all sugary and sweet

[daffythefox]

I really think we need to be having conversations more often about how to figure out if you're being abusive, and how to address it if you are.

Abuse isn't just done by one demographic, or in one specific way. Most abusers justify their actions to themselves and do not think of what is happening as abuse.

It's dangerous to just assume that you don't have the ability to abuse someone due to your Pureness of Heart or oppressed status. Thinking this way can make you more likely to harm someone.

I have known people who talk a lot about abuse, have read a lot about it, and have been abused themselves, who become abusers and don't notice because they see their victim status as overriding any concern they should have about how they treat others. It seems impossible to them that abuse could come FROM them rather than always automatically only happening TO them.

You can abuse people. I can abuse people. Abusers are human beings who choose to exert control over others. Not storybook monsters you have nothing in common with.

Let's talk about how to make sure we keep our friends, loved ones, and other community members safe from harmful behavior, not just from Total Irredeemable Obvious Monsters.

[daffythefox]

bless my hemophiliac heart

thinking about self-destructiveness

[daffythefox]

can anyone share resources about hpd? i’m looking for both information about having hpd and support/recovery resources FOR pwHPD. i want to make some posts or reblogs about it, and i also wanna confirm and expand my present knowledge before i make posts about it. if anyone’s got anything, even if it’s a post rambling about an hpd experience, pls put it in the notes or somethin. thanks 👍

#ive got hpd if you'd like to message me about it. id love to talk to smne abt my experiences

[daffythefox]

i hate how all the posts on the histrionic tag are like. posts that mention every pd. can i have some stuff about just hpd for once.

#hpd #histrionic #histrionic personality disorder #honestly histrionic #me when i