daisy-in-a-room-of-roses

[daisy-in-a-room-of-roses]

Personal

My ability to lighten any tragic situation is as natural to me as defense for survival. Even if I have been shattered entirely, it’s my nature to care for the ones around me who suffer at parallel of my own pain.

I’m unsure of what part of my psyche feels necessary to aleviate pains of others at the risk of devaluing my own. Maybe making someone smile in between their tears is a balm for my own wound, maybe it’s a form of shutting emotions up until I’m alone and able to tend them via a good ugly cry.

Either way, it is a part of me that I can’t change no matter how morbid it is to desire to bring joy in the face of any one suffering some human horror. I’m sure if it was a possibility, I’d laugh at my own funeral, to break any tears of sorrow that may be trickling out of anyone who found me worthy of mourning.

My emotions are so intense I’m afraid they will destroy or at the very least disturb others, but I’ve become self reliant emotionally and I’m quite content with that.

I’m afraid you’ll all have to suffer with reading these sorts of posts for the time being, and be happy it isn’t dreadfully dark poetry or photos of journal entries with tears wedged inbetween the ink-lol

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what my depressive episodes consist of

binge watching netflix tv shows

passive suicidal ideations

sleep for majority of the day

insomnia at night and have to take anxiety meds just to go to sleep

eat pretty much everything or dont eat at all

mentally preparing myself for impending existential crisis at night

making playlists on spotify then delete them later

listening to sad music

doesnt respond to texts until 2 hrs later

getting anxiety looking at social media and how everyone is enjoying their life

procrastinating 

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One should always be drunk. That's all that matters... But with what? With wine, with poetry, or with virtue, as you chose. But get drunk.

— Charles Baudelaire

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“Love was never meant to be safe or measured so love irrationally.”

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-NJ.. I love you always.

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“I feel like at some point it all has to crash and burn again. It all has to fall apart. It’s bound to, after a while. Because this happiness that has been lasting for so long now feels a little too good to be true. Because I am used to standing near the flames and feeling the heat on my cheeks, watching. I will never unlearn how to scoop up the ashes, how to look for broken pieces among the debris. It’s what I’ve always known. It’s who I am. It’s not like I’m waiting for the breakdown. It’s not like I want this all to end. It’s just that I’m so used to goodbye coming straight after hello. It’s just that I learned to dig my fingers into every inch of skin I can reach and to hold on until my knuckles turn white. That I never knew how to let go. And maybe this is it, right now. This feeling of wrongness. Of anticipation. Of something new lurking around the corner. My cue to understand that sometimes this is exactly what I have to do - to accept the happiness that comes my way and enjoy it while it lasts, even if it lasts longer than I thought it would, so long that it surprises me. To live in the moment without lying in wait for another end. Because never having known anything else isn’t an excuse to refuse to open up to the possibilities out there. In any case, I am prepared for the fire. And if it doesn’t come, I’ll be here, finding peace in the absence of it.”

— peace in the absence of fire / n.j.

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None of this matters. Nothing is ever that serious. But when you have feelings please please allow yourself to feel and express them. Otherwise you are tormenting yourself. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel like your feelings are too much, like you’re too much. We’re here to feel. To experience. To breathe. To love. To express. To create. Do it all and don’t ever apologize for being exactly who you are, whoever and whatever that is, embrace it and stand in that power, your power. Take up space, and do so gracefully. You are powerful. You are magic. You are the love you are searching for. Share it with the world. But most importantly share it with yourself.

[daisy-in-a-room-of-roses]

A Conversation with my Mental Illness, poem by Nikita Gill

Every sleepless night I am interrogated  by the darkness that lives inside of me.

It says to me: ‘You are pointless.’

I respond: ‘No one in this world is pointless.’

It scowls at me: ‘You are a terrible person.’

I admit: ‘I am a good person who did terrible things.’

It rages at me: ‘No one needs you.’

I countered: ‘There are people who have adored me.’

It seethes at me: ‘And what of those who hated you.’

I sigh: ‘Being unforgiving of others is a sign of insecurity.’

It finally explodes: ‘I will make sure you always doubt yourself.’

And every night I gather my courage as my armour and say: ‘And whatever you do, I will look at the vastness of the every changing sky the presence of a moon that helps the sea the same sunset that has been going around the earth for billions of years and remind myself that the same universe that made them also made me. And nothing you say to me will ever convince me otherwise because that is a fact I will never question on my journey.’

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This poem comes from Nikita Gill’s publication of poetry called “Wild Embers”. It was one of the most beautiful collections of poetry I have ever read, full of hope and courage, strength and love.

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“Losing you wasn’t just painful, it was fucking damaging also. It wasn’t me sitting down on a couch surrounded by my friends as we watched movies and ate food to try and forget you. It was me staying up at four in the morning because the thought of you was so fucking strong I couldn’t even close my eyes without seeing your face. It was me swallowing thickly and blinking back tears every time I was in public, the hole in my chest causing my breaths to come out shaky rather than normal. It was me laughing at things for no reason as my stomach turned because the urge of falling apart was getting stronger. It was me crying at random hours during the day and me not wanting to get up out of bed. It wasn’t just me staring blankly at your number, deciding whether or not if I should call you. It was me throwing my phone at the wall and breaking it, because I was drunk again and the thought of you ever changing your information terrified me. It was me deleting our conversations and regretting it because now I couldn’t know where we had went wrong. It fucking hurt, losing you had hurt and I wasn’t ever able to forget that kind of pain.”

— A.Y.

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Nikita Gill, from “Great Goddesses: Life Lessons from Myths & Monsters,”

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“do not tell her you love her if you are not ready for her to call you at 3 AM freaking out. do not tell her you love her if you cannot handle her father or mother. do not tell her you love her if you cannot love her at her worse. do not tell her you love her if you only crave for her curves, not her mind. do not tell her you love her if you cannot deal with her mood swings. do not tell her you love her just to have sex.”

— do not tell her you love her. Krystal Gonzalez

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I’m hurt because I thought I could honestly trust you. I’m hurt because you told me I could trust you. I’m hurt because you took my biggest fear and turned it into reality. I’m a whole fool in your eyes, a whole idiot, clearly.

Are you genuinely that fucken evil that you can lie to me dead in my face? I gave you multiple opportunities to come out and say everything that needed to come out, to be honest with me. You want to come at me on how I attack you for being honest when you know that you being honest has nothing to do with me, it’s all about lifting the guilt you feel for the shit that you do. I can’t believe you’re genuinely such a manipulative, inconsiderate and selfish person. How the hell did I let myself fall into such a trap? The sad part is getting out of it is damn near impossible and I genuinely think you use that to your advantage.

#honesty #transparency #trust #heart break #screw it

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“the most painful and pitiful thing in the world is waiting to be loved by someone who will never love you back.”

a.a

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“I just feel like heaven and hell are a place that’s inside each of us and we’re the ones who choose which one to explore. I mean, like, you know, I think you have to have both to have an understanding of why they exist. Shit wouldn’t be balanced if we didn’t have hell. I don’t think you’d be able to appreciate how amazing it feels to sit on a rooftop with all your friends as you’re watching the sunset listening to your favorite Lorde song if you didn’t want to kill yourself sometimes. You know and I think we’re all like, you know, a step away from both. I feel like both universes are so near to us. I don’t really think that heaven is all the way up at the top of whatever all of this is, and that hell is all the way down at the bottom. I think it’s all right here in front of us. I think they layer onto our realities like filters on an Instagram image. We see our lives through heaven and hell, and I think we always have a say in which one we can choose. You know because, even when your life is dog shit, heaven is just as close as it was before. You don’t really get further away from it, you just lose the ability to take notice of it, I guess. But I know how you feel, man. I feel like God is really quiet sometimes in my stupid life. But I still know that it’s all still right there in front of my face. It’s not really a matter of looking or searching, it’s a matter of seeing things for what they are. It’s all so much closer to you than you think it is. It’s all just a breath away.”

— CAMERON BEYRENT

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It’s okay not to be okay

Dear self,

You keep telling yourself you’re not allowed to feel the things that you feel, or more so are not allowed to give them certain titles because you are not worthy, you keep telling yourself that it is an attention seeking tactic that this isn’t serious. You’ve convinced yourself that you create all these feelings and thoughts yourself, that you have full control over it and you need to stop. This mentality is only making it worse and with time maybe you’ll be able to accept life for what it is but for now I just want to leave this for you.

It’s okay to feel overwhelmed

It’s okay to cry

It okay to acknowledge your weakness

It’s okay to be weak.

Baby girl this doesn’t define you, you are stronger than this and it will not hold you down forever.

#mental health #find strength in your weakness #you’re not weak

[daisy-in-a-room-of-roses]

Daisy field.

I always find these cheesy ass cliche quotes online about how everyone has their one person, that right person and how with time we’re bound to find this person, all the “someday someone is going to look at you with a light in their eyes you’ve never seen, they’ll look at you like you’re everything they’ve been looking for their entire lives. Wait for it” quotes.

Now I don’t know if I’m everything you’ve been looking for or if I’m even close to it but I promise to try my very best to be all that you’ve ever needed

I feel that I’ve found my “person” and maybe that’s not the case on your side and I honestly don’t even mind it, just know that I will forever be grateful for your existence in my life, I will eternally be filled with gratitude for the positivity you brought along with you and I will try my best to return the favor

You’re one of the best things that’s happened in my life and there are not enough words out there to display my appreciation but thank you so much, for caring, for making me smile on a daily basis, for being such a positive force in my life… for being you

— midnight confessions.