danellt9

[danellt9]

Twenty-five years later

Twenty-five years. A lifetime ago. A lifetime lived between then and now. I married Patrick on June 27, 1992. I remember that it was a beautiful day with clear skies! My dad took me to breakfast while a lot of people worked to decorate the Retired Teacher's Hall where the reception was held. Later I had a manicure, pedicure and my bridesmaids and I all had our hair done in up-dos. I'm an 80's girl so it had to be sufficiently big hair! After that we drove to the church, Sacred Heart. I remarked to my sisters that I was surprised that everything was going so smoothly. Dawan laughed and said, “Yeah, no problems, nothing like ants in the favors or anything!” And this remark went right over my head. I was having a perfect day and it didn't occur to me that Dawan was serious. The favors were actually metallic paper that I had taken to the teacher center and used the die-cut machine to cut into the shape of a bag. Inside the bag was netting filled with M & M’s. Half of them were assembled in our apartment which apparently had an ant infestation. Someone painstakingly opened all of the bags to check for ants. If you were there 25 years ago and ate the M & M’s, I apologize! Basically nothing was going to interfere with this day we had waited almost 6 years for! Everything came together beautifully! Tomorrow I will probably be able to watch a little more of the video than I did last year. I try to remember the joy that I experienced then and the next 23 years and almost 10 months. I thought we would be married for many, many more years. I looked forward to celebrating a lot more milestones. I always felt that we had a good marriage but at the same time I wondered how I got so lucky. I was sure that I didn't deserve him. I know that now I tend to remember the happiest times. There were plenty of those but he annoyed me with his snoring, I spent too much money and I'm sure there were many other things that bugged him. Still, I was hopeful that we would always be together. At some point after he died it occurred to me that we had truly lived our marriage vows. We were faithful and we took care of each other until death parted us. I’m so grateful that we had that. I was thinking today that it is so unreal that when he died I was no longer married. Just like that, in the blink of an eye. These are the kind of thoughts I have. On this anniversary I will try my hardest to spend my day filled with happy memories with some distractions mixed in. He would want it that way. Twenty-five years. A lifetime of love. Never enough but I am grateful for the time I had. ❤️❤️❤️

#grief widow 25yearanniversary patrickjohntenyenhuis

[danellt9]

Please visit my new blog!

#grief #missinghim

[danellt9]

Triggers

I'm half way through my two week break from school and I've barely started my projects. Yesterday I worked on the closet. I've gone through Patrick's things a bit at a time and this was probably the most progress I've made. I almost didn't start because my stomach was bugging me. Then I thought that maybe it was the anticipation? The pants were the easiest part. I carefully checked each pocket. I found receipts from 2014 and 2009. Clearly some of these had not been worn in a while! The shirts were harder. I had already thinned them out a lot, sharing them with various people, but there are still a lot that remind me of him. I got through as many as possible and left some hanging in the closet so it wasn't completely devoid of him. I get frustrated that it takes me so long to get through any project. Then I remind myself that my word for 2017 is patience. I have to give myself a break. I would really like a break from mourning. So many things are triggers. On Monday I was doing "jumping pull-ups" at the gym. There wasn't a ton of impact and it didn't hurt so I think it was okay on my hip but I really don't know. He was my therapist. He told me what I could and could not do with my hip. I have to be careful because I can't imagine going through another hip replacement without him by my side. I almost burst into tears just thinking about it. Then I spent the evening researching impact exercises after hip replacements. What I learned is that it really isn't ethical for anyone to study how much impact is too much impact so they exercise caution. I'm weighing the benefits of the exercise against what seems like a small risk and I'll probably keep doing it. Today my nephew was officially sworn in as a police officer and also received a unit commendation. The ceremony was nice but there was just something about hearing the stories about particular calls that was a little close to home. Afterward he gave us a tour and I recognized different rooms and offices I have sat in as the case was discussed. I was very proud of him and there's no way I would have avoided going but the pain is just always right there, waiting to sneak out. Tonight was the soccer awards dinner. Last year we had them late due to play-offs so it turned out to be the last function I attended with him and maybe even the last meal I ate with him. It was a happy time so I have a lot of good memories. The venue was different tonight so that was a blessing. My friend, Angela, hugged me after I arrived and whispered that she knew it must be hard for me. I know others were aware of this too. They really do a good job of recognizing the girls and the seniors get a blanket with their name and number embroidered on it. After the awards were handed out the coach said she was going to recognize parents. I knew we were doing something for Dyia, who does an amazing job keeping things running! I was very surprised when she called my name and thanked me for things I had done. She reminded me that they are my family and gave me my own warm, fuzzy, embroidered blanket! I am once again humbled by the love and kindness the girls and I have been shown and I am so grateful for all of my friends. I haven't been to the gym since Monday and I feel like it has affected my mood. I am a firm believer that exercise boosts your mood and helps with depression and grief. If you are struggling, give it a try! Even if it's just a walk, I promise you it will help you feel better! And if you are having trouble getting motivated, publicly announce that you are working out! I know someone will ask me how my workout was! I have to go so I will be prepared to answer! 😜

[danellt9]

Life is precious

Earlier this week the newspaper asked me for a family photo to go with my story. As I tried to decide which one to use I passed on a few more recent ones because I was not happy with the way I looked. I ended up picking the one we've used for everything. It was taken at Mikel and Melissa's wedding and I really like it. Suddenly I realized that we will never take another family photo. Not that this came as a surprise but it's just another one of those secondary grief things when you realize something else that is lost. And it made me realize that I need to try to take more pictures. When Patrick died I was surprised that we had so many pictures of him. I was also very grateful. Camille's friends and their families took them and made several large display boards for the service. There were a lot of good memories in those pictures. I took a lot of the pictures and usually didn't volunteer to be in them. I'm trying to make up for that and take a lot of pictures with the girls. I want us all to have those memories. Life is so much more precious to me now that I have experienced loss. Tomorrow is never guaranteed so I try to live with no regrets. Sometimes I can't help having regrets about the past. I wish I had been awake to say goodbye to him that morning. I don't remember when the last kiss was and that makes me sad. I have never been a morning person and he knew this so he never woke me before I had to get up. I was so used to his routine that I slept through it. So I didn't say goodbye that morning. And really I have not wasted time feeling guilty about this. I have many memories of him and I don't need to make myself feel guilty about this. I just wanted to share that you never know what is going to happen so take time to take pictures, hug your loved ones, live with no regrets! I just finished my third class and I decided to take a two week break from school. Being a student is a bit more challenging than I was expecting. My classes are different from my prior college classes. They are all reading, research, and writing. Fortunately taking online classes gives you flexibility so I'm going to enjoy my break. I am still working on organizing and decluttering so I have several projects planned. I'm also going to be moving my blog to a new site so that I can do a little more with it. I'm going to try to add all of the old entries and add pictures that I originally wanted to include. For some reason writing my blog is really healing to me. The best part is that it has introduced me to some wonderful people! I feel like I might run out of stories at some point but for now I will keep writing. I continue to be amazed by all of the lives Patrick touched. I love it when people share stories with me! I don't want to speak for all grieving people but I am hoping that reading my story will help people learn how to reach out to others who are going through loss. It's going to happen to all of us at some point. The main thing I want to convey is that there is no "right way" to do it! You don't even have to say anything, just be there!

[danellt9]

10 months

Today marks 10 months since Patrick's death. I can't believe it's been that long and yet it also seems like yesterday. So many ups and downs since then and so many more to come. I made it through two difficult days last week and I think I only have a few more "firsts" left. St. Patrick's Day, Easter, his birthday, and the one year anniversary a week later. I'm sure the second year won't be much easier but at least I will be past all of the firsts. Since we have had our final court date I will share a little bit more about that. My understanding is the man who hit Patrick got into an argument with his wife and left with the car. Over the course of 3 days and nights he used the car as an illegal or "ghetto" taxi (his words). His explanation of this was that people knew he had a car and they would call him for rides. He admitted to smoking meth during this time and there was meth in his blood. His phone records revealed very few periods with no activity so he was more than likely sleep deprived. He said he was driving out Shaw to return a backpack to someone who had left it in his car. Coincidentally there was a meth pipe in the backpack. He said that Patrick just veered in front of him and I'm sure he really wanted to believe that but the evidence did not support that. The detective did a very thorough investigation and determined that the driver left the road and hit Patrick. We assume that he fell asleep. At the scene he was distraught and failed the first sobriety test. They administered a second one a little later and the second officer advised him to "get it together" and he passed. The conflicting results were the first issue that made the case difficult. When they found meth in his system we all thought it would be a felony. The problem is that drug intoxication is much more difficult to measure. In the state of California it's against the law to drive while impaired by drugs but there is no clear definition of impairment. And ER doctor who has testified as an expert witness was consulted and he indicated that he could just as easily testify for the defense and that effectively ended the pursuit of felony charges. I plan to spend a lot of time learning more about drug impairment and distracted driving in general but I also want to learn about punishment and deterrents. What can be done to prevent this type of offense? I realize that there won't be a quick or simple answer but I appear to have lots of time since most of my future plans were destroyed. Thursday turned out to be the most time we had to spend on the court room. I'm still not sure why but it took over two hours before they even brought him in. When he finally arrived we started fairly quickly and the whole hearing lasted no more than 15-20 minutes. At the end of my statement I held up the picture of Patrick and the girls that is currently my profile picture and then I played Patrick's recording of Blackbird. I told the court that I felt it was a love letter to the girls and I but it could also be a message to the defendant, "Take these broken wings and learn to fly." At the very least I thought he should hear Patrick's voice so I was glad I had that to play. Speaking was harder than I thought. I cried throughout and sobbed when I sat back down. The worst part of that was that I know it was hard for my family to see and hear. The girls did not attend court but I had my Mom, my Dad and Step-Mom, my Mother-in-law, all 3 of my siblings, my brother-in-law and two of my sisters-in-law, two of my nieces and 3 cousins. Plus a news reporter who happens to be a friend. When it was over we went out of the courtroom and I said quick goodbyes and headed to Bakersfield to watch Camille's team win round two of the play-offs! I'll admit that I asked Patrick to put in a good word with the man upstairs for favorable weather and a win! I am happy to have court behind me but it's a very odd feeling, kind of a reverse let down? I guess I thought it would be more of a relief? But in the end, Patrick is still gone. I guess I put a lot of energy and emotion into getting through court and I thought I would feel a big weight lifted. The problem is that none of it changes anything. We knew that it would never provide justice or peace but I was still hoping that maybe it would. So now I need to continue moving forward and try to find joy. It's not going to be easy but I've got to try, for my girls, for Patrick and for me. Thank you for the continued love, prayers and support, it really does make a difference!

[danellt9]

A bit of closure

Court is over finally. The defendant will spend 316 days in a treatment facility. I will write more about it later. Here are the statements we read. FYI "addressing the defendant" means addressing his back. Dina also spoke but I don't have her statement yet. Statement read by Denny Testimony Your honor, I want to thank you for the opportunity to address the court. I’d like to start by reading a note from Daniel teNyenhuis, Patrick’s brother who cannot be here today. Dan is a retired United States Marine who still works to keep our nation safe. While we are in court for the sentencing of the man who caused his brother’s death, Dan is at work defending us. These are Dan’s words - “Patrick John teNyenhuis was my first friend and will always be my friend. I knew Pat before I knew anyone else. I spent my formative years with him. He significantly contributed to my personality and character. I owe much of my success to his influence. Yes, Patrick John teNyenhuis did live a blessed live. Pat deserved every blessing he received, including his three girls, Danell, Sierra, and Camille. Pat earned his other blessings through hard work and dedication, including his career as an expert Physical Therapist where he routinely helped others in need. Patrick John teNyenhuis was a COMPLETE man in mind, body, and spirit; from his music and career, to his health and physical fitness, to his family and faith. During his life, Patrick John teNyenhuis met people from all walks of life through his profession and his hobbies. Pat could talk with crowds and keep his virtue; he could walk with kings without losing his common touch. The world is a lesser place without the skills, music, and wit of Patrick John teNyenhuis. We all miss him. --Daniel Joseph teNyenhuis I can’t do a better job than Dan to describe Pat or the impact his life had on everyone around him. Before I sit down, though, I want to talk about the impact his death had, and the actions that brought us all here today. It’s important that everyone in this room understand that we are not here by accident. Recently, following a court appearance, a member of the defendant’s family told us that they were praying for us, but it was an accident. That is a lie. Pat’s death was not an accident. He died because of the irresponsible, selfish and illegal actions of the defendant. The defendant chose to buy an illegal drug. he defendant chose to take that illegal drug. The defendant chose to get behind the wheel of a car and drive while under the influence of that drug and the sleep deprivation that resulted from its use. Whether it was intentional or not, the defendant then hit and killed Patrick. No logical person argues these facts. Where logic still fails us all is the lack of accountability being shown here, and the total lack of justice. The defendant will be back with his friends and family within a year, while Patrick is gone forever from our lives. Neither are things we can change. We have to try and accept them, and choose to honor Pat’s legacy rather than live our lives filled with anger over the unimaginably deep and painful hole he left behind. We will spend the rest of our lives following Patrick’s examples. When this legal process started, many of us hoped that the defendant would be accountable for his actions and would take responsibility. As we learned more about his long criminal history, we were forced to give up that hope. On April 20 of last year the Defendant forever changed the lives of our family and his own. The only hope I have left for some positive outcome from this terrible crime, is that it is not too late for everyone in this courtroom to learn from a better example. For that hope I offer the memory of Patrick. Patrick was a man who loved God and his family. Patrick was a man who worked hard, every day of his life. Patrick was a man who worked for everything he achieved in life and always shared what he had with those in need. Patrick was a man who often worked six days a week to provide a better life for his wife and children. Patrick was a man who had dreams and worked hard to achieve them. Patrick was a man who touched the lives of everyone he met. Patrick was a man who accepted the blame when he made mistakes and did everything he could to do better. Patrick was a man. Today I asked the court to do all it can to encourage the defendant to be a man from this day forward. To be a man and accept the terrible results of his crime. To be a man and work hard to change his life, so that this awful scene is not repeated. To be a man and work hard to give his children a better example. To be, a man. Your honor, I thank you. My Statement name is Danell teNyenhuis. For the last 24 years, I was Patrick’s wife. Our marriage began in 1992 and ended on April 20th, 2016 when you took his life. I am not a vindictive person. I know very little about you. I know you are a father and I know that you made a series of poor choices that resulted in Patrick’s death. There is no punishment that will make up for the loss my daughters and I have suffered due to your choices. Unfortunately, our legal system was unable to find a way to adequately hold you accountable. So, you will do your time and then have the rest of your life ahead of you. What will you do with the rest of your life? Let me tell you how Patrick lived his life. He was an amazing husband! We were truly partners in life. He helped with everything including doing the grocery shopping and most of the cooking. He also found time to make me feel special and loved. He made all of my dreams come true. He was a wonderful father to our daughters, Sierra and Camille. His daughters were his pride and joy! When they were infants he would get up with them at night, change their diapers and then bring them to me to nurse. When they began eating solid foods he made all their baby food from scratch. He attended sporting events, helped with science projects and truly enjoyed spending time with them. They are beyond devastated by his loss. In the next year one will graduate from high school and one from college. Someday they will get married and have children and he will miss these important milestones. Patrick was an excellent physical therapist. I know because he helped me rehabilitate after hip surgery. I also know due to the numerous patients who have reached out to me since his death. Here is just one of the many stories that have been shared. 2009 I had a surgery which resulted in damage to my femoral nerve. Patrick became my physical therapist for an entire year, 3 times per week, as he persisted to try to figure out the best therapy routine and exercise regime to help my femoral nerve regenerate and function. He did not know if the nerve was severed, crushed, stretched or who knows what, but he was relentless in the challenge to help me be able to use my right leg again. I developed the greatest respect for him, his physical therapy skills, his tenacity and determination to take on the challenge and master the results successfully for me, as well as for his professional skills and efforts. The therapy was successful because of his training, perseverance and knowledge. I was able to move and functionally use my right leg again. He told me that I was a rehab miracle. The truth is, the miracle was God’s divine intervention transferred through Patrick’s passion for healing, professional skills and caring personality for his clients, including me. He became not only my therapist but my friend during those sessions. Patrick was also a devoted son and brother. And he was loved by 22 nieces and nephews and numerous extended family members. He was a good friend to many but was also humble and felt he only had one friend. His funeral service was standing room only. He was a great provider for his family and he worked overtime most weekends to ensure that he could pay for his daughters to go to college. He was unselfish and spent very little money on himself. I could go on and on but I think by now you might be realizing how many people were affected by his death. In my opinion you have been given the gift of a second chance. Will you choose to continue the same path and risk making a poor choice again? My challenge to you is that you learn from this tragedy. Do your time and then change your life. Do something positive. Make a difference in the world. Share your story as a lesson to others. I am not ready to offer forgiveness. But, if you want to atone for this then make your life matter. Sierra’s Instagram post from 4-20-16: My world crashed down the second they told me you were gone. Every minute I expect you to walk through the door smiling and cracking a joke, and every second I wish you were telling me about your day while drinking some of your home brewed beer. I'm trying my best to reflect on all of our amazing memories together without breaking down, because I know you would want me to stay strong and you would HATE seeing me sad, but I don't know what to do without you. I love you so much Dad. You are one of a kind. Instagram Post from Camille on 4/20/16: RIP to my incredible, hilarious, talented, caring AWESOME father. This picture was taken last week on his 49th birthday at the Paul McCartney concert. I'm so thankful to have this and so many other great memories with him. For those of you who never had the chance to meet him, he was a great man. He went to every one of my sporting events he possibly could. He managed to make it his whole life without owning a smart phone. He once argued that his flip phone was better than everyone else’s iPhone because he could fit it in his mouth then proceeded to prove it by putting his phone in his mouth in the middle of Red Robin. I know that he wouldn't want us to cry, he'd want us to remember the good times and laugh. It's hard to imagine what life will be like without him here, but I know he is with God and always will be with me and the rest of my family in our hearts and memories. Thank you to everyone for your support in this difficult time, your thoughts and prayers mean a lot. Patrick John teNyenhuis 4/13/67 – 4/20/16

[danellt9]

I've kept myself busy all week so that I wouldn't think about tomorrow. We have our final hearing and we will be addressing the defendant. I have been anxiously awaiting this closure and it didn't happen two weeks ago but I am 99% sure this will be it. I'm pretty sure I've been keeping my guard up and I will probably have to let it down tomorrow and that kind of terrifies me. My family will be with me so I know it will be okay but I'm just not sure that I want to experience all of the emotion. At least this part will be over. I still just can't believe this happened. I think about him every day and I'm able to share funny stories and smile. But every once in a while I get sucker punched when I consciously remember that he is gone. Tonight I cooked dinner for the soccer team and I kind of got in over my head. I don't cook a lot and when I do it is just for 2-3 people. I decided to make 4 kinds of pasta, two kinds of sauce, chicken and veggies. My oven was used in shifts and every burner on my stove was in use. And I didn't time it very well. The chicken didn't look right at first so I just didn't serve it. I ate some and it tasted ok but at that point they were all full from pasta! I think it turned out okay but let's just say it wasn't Olive Garden! Patrick and I hosted a lot of get togethers over the years. He was usually in charge of cooking and he just had a knack for the timing that is involved when you cook a big meal. He probably viewed it as a math problem to be solved! Just another one of his many talents! He used to crack me up when he was getting ready to sleep. I would catch him deep in thought and ask what was wrong and he would hold up his hand for a minute and then tell me he was doing math, which meant he was calculating what time to set his alarm. I never understood this since he stuck to his schedule religiously so I usually just laughed! Time for sleep! I am so thankful the hearing was moved to the afternoon so I won't miss my workout. I'll post again tomorrow to let you know how it goes!

#grief #missinghim

[danellt9]

Forever mine

I am cautiously optimistic that tomorrow won't be awful. I haven't been alone on Valentine's Day for over 30 years. But I'm feeling okay leading up to it so I think it will be at least okay and maybe even good. Over the years we went from the gushy, young love on Valentine's Day to the romantic, sweet, appreciative and comfortable. We celebrated in a lot of different ways and they were all good. For many years we avoided going out on the actual day and really didn't always make it a special occasion. More recently I would make lasagne for the four of us and we would eat on my grandmother's china. I haven't even done that in a few years. He used to always send me flowers but we stopped that expense by mutual agreement a while back too. I don't think either one of us felt we needed another special day to show our love for each other. I'm not saying I didn't love extravagant gestures but I didn't really need them to feel loved. And I'm actually grateful that we didn't make a big deal out of it. That will make this year easier for me. I'm starting the day with a workout and I'm really happy about that! I am still loving getting up early and going! I am slowly noticing changes and I know Patrick would love that I was developing healthy habits. He would love the changes too 💪😉. Later in the day Clovis East has the first round of soccer playoffs. I was SO happy when I realized I get to watch them play on Valentine's Day! I can't explain it but I love this team so much! I know that a big part of it has to do with the great time we had watching them when the Valley Championships last year and being grateful that we have such happy memories of our last months with him. The other part is that the team, the school, and the parents of Camille's teammates and friends have been such a wonderful source of support for us. I never worried about Camille because she always had so many people looking out for her and loving her. I know I've mentioned this before but when I walked into Patrick's funeral and saw the full row of the girls in their championship jackets, I cried. I can't tell you how much it meant to me! So, I can't think of a better event for Valentine's Day. If they win there will be a game in Bakersfield on Thursday. We also have what we hope is the last court appearance on Thursday. For the last one I waited in the cafeteria because I knew in advance that nothing was likely to happen but I had to be there, just in case. I have my statement ready and I'm reading some things the girls wrote since they won't be there. Denny is also speaking and reading something Patrick's brother, Daniel, wrote. Hopefully we can both get through it but I'm not going to feel bad at all if there are tears. I just want to have this part behind me. I know that Patrick's love will give me strength to get through it. Prayers are appreciated too! 😊

#grief #missinghim #forever mine

[danellt9]

Unexpected memories

They say that at the end of your life memories flash before you. What I didn't realize is that when you lose someone who was such a big part of your life, this video montage seems to go on and on. At times it's jarring when I suddenly remember some random event. Cathy and I drove to Las Vegas this week to see Cher in concert. As we passed the casinos in Primm, I looked at the big roller coaster that I'm pretty sure I have never ridden but suddenly I had a memory of riding roller coasters with Patrick. It's almost like some sort of alarm that your body sets in case you go too long without thinking about your loved one. Some of these memories almost bring me to tears but I'm trying to learn to smile and let the memory just fill my heart. Recently, I remembered the beautiful box my mother-in-law made us to put cards in at the wedding. The idea was to have one place to keep all the cards so they wouldn't get lost and it was a great idea! The morning after the wedding we gathered at my mom's house to open gifts. At some point someone mentioned the cards and no one could find the box. I can't remember exactly what was discussed at that point but Patrick and I were anxious to get going. We drove to San Francisco and flew to Puerto Rico where we left on a 7 day cruise. While we began our honeymoon, our families were trying to solve the mystery of the card box. It was determined that the box had been placed on the roof of a van while a child was being buckled into a car seat in the garage of our new apartment. The box fell off somewhere between that apartment complex and my mom's house. Family members walked most or maybe all of the route in a fruitless search for the box. We called to check in a few days later and at that point our families had taken on the awkward task of trying to determine what had been in the box. Some guests had written checks that could be canceled and rewritten. Some had given us gift cards or cash so those were lost. A few weeks later a friend was in a meat market where he had purchased a gift certificate for us. The meat market was owned by friends of his and he was visiting when someone came in and tried to redeem the gift certificate. They got it back but didn't get any info on the person and from that point on we knew that the box had been found and someone chose to keep our cards and the gifts inside them. At first I was sad and then we felt victimized. I just couldn't believe someone would be so cold- hearted. The relative who had placed the box on the roof of the van felt really bad and actually sent us a new tv as a gift. We wanted to send it back since it wasn't his fault but were finally convinced that he was not going to feel better unless we accepted it. As the years went by the impact of this seemed smaller and smaller. The loss of the card box was not going to ruin the memories we had of a fabulous time in our lives. Sure we thought about what we could have done with the money but eventually it just became a distant memory. I share this as a reminder that sometimes we go through situations that seem like the end of the world but eventually those memories are softened by time and you realize they were just a tiny blip. Just to clarify, I am NOT comparing the loss of the cards to the loss of Patrick! They were two different types of losses. Losing Patrick will always have a big impact on me. My main point is, "Don't let bad experiences define you." This experience taught me that what really matters is love and family. You can have all the money in the world but I would rather have the people I love. When I look back on my wedding, the card box is a very small part of the memories, and the rest are JOYOUS!

#grief #missing him

[danellt9]

Social media

I always wanted Patrick to have a smartphone so it would be easier to send pictures and texts back and forth. And of course I wanted to send him cute emoticons! He was anti-mainstream and would never choose to do something just because that's what everyone did. Once he dropped his phone in the lake and I had a new phone for him before he got home. He had made comments about not wanting a phone and I didn't want him driving around without one. Unfortunately that was before smartphones or that's what I would have bought him! His flip phone was so ancient that they were sending him messages that it would no longer be supported. He was also fiercely anti social media. He didn't want any internet presence but finally began to allow videos on Youtube. He didn't understand the appeal of Facebook. I found some of his fraternity brothers and became friends with them just so we would have a way to contact them if he ever wanted to. One time I noticed that one of them was online and I told him he. Plus chat with him. He got on my computer and they chatted for a few minutes. Then he wanted to know the protocol for ending the conversation. He felt it was kind of impersonal and awkward. Many of you would be surprised to learn that he DID create a Facebook account several months before he died. He decided that it would be a nice way to store photos and videos but he wanted it to be secret. He was really annoyed that he needed his own email address to do it since I was using the one I shared with him. After he created a gmail account he started working on his secret Facebook profile. Then he got annoyed with some of the things he was being asked and said it was too complicated. He deleted the account but was mad that it would take 14 days. Then he tried to delete his gmail but they required a forwarding address so he was mad about that too and went on a rant about how ridiculous it was. Since April many people have pointed out the irony of his large internet presence now. I'll admit I wished he was on Facebook so I could put him on my relationship status. I know that is silly since neither one of us needed an affirmation of love. But I was always proud to be his wife so I was bummed that he wasn't on Facebook. Today I decided to edit my Facebook profile. I took out the happily married mother of two wording a while back but couldn't bring myself to change my relationship status from married to widowed. I didn't want it to be like I was advertising my status. I decided to check the profiles of a few other widows I know and what I found broke my heart. A few didn't list a relationship status and a few said still married. A lot said married to ...with a link to the husband's profile. I can't imagine how much harder that would make it because they would need to delete their relationship in order to change their status! Suddenly I was glad he wasn't on Facebook! And yes, it did occur to me that maybe I shouldn't point out the relationship status to my widowed friends. I laughed as soon as I thought this because of course they know that they are no longer married. I did end up changing my status to widowed. I just felt like it was time.

#grief #widowed

[danellt9]

First on the scene

This week is going to be difficult for me. We have a court appearance on Thursday and I believe there will be sentencing and we are supposed to be prepared to speak if we choose to. I wrote a statement months ago and I probably won't change it much but I will agonize over it until it is time to read it. What do you say to the man who hit and killed your husband and the father of your children? I feel like I need to be really mean and angry but I honestly am not capable of doing that. I have asked my brother to speak also. He is an eloquent writer and speaker and he will be able to convey the anger better than I can. I will still speak because he needs to know just what he took away from us. Yesterday I spoke with the physical therapist who happened to be one of the first people on the scene. I spoke with him in April and had been meaning to talk again when I had more time. I'm not sharing his name because I didn't ask for permission but it was very comforting both times I spoke to him. He got there moments after the car hit Patrick and he confirmed that Patrick was already gone. There were other bystanders there and they prayed over Patrick and then attempted CPR until paramedics arrived. The driver prayed with them. He has been profoundly affected by this as you might expect and he was more than happy to talk to me and answer any questions that he could. He felt somewhat guilty that he was not able to do anything. I reassured him that I know there was nothing he could do. I didn't think of this last night but it just occurred to me that maybe God put him there so that I would know that there was a loving person who prayed over Patrick and was able to tell me that he appeared at peace and didn't suffer. This meant so much to me! The first time we met, at Patrick's rosary, he told me that he and his wife had been praying for the girls and I and she wanted me to know that she was sending her love. I spoke to her last night for the first time and she is also a kind and loving person. I'm adding them to the list of my new forever friends. I hadn't really thought much about the other people who were there and I have no idea who they were. I am guessing it is possible that some of you know who they are. If so, I would love to be put in contact with them and thank them for stopping. Please think of our family on Thursday. This won't be easy but it will be good when it is behind us.

#grief

[danellt9]

Guilt

A few days ago I was driving home from an appointment, enjoying my heated seats and the stereo in my new car. I was thinking of how much I love my new gym, and I was feeling unusually happy. Inevitably when this happens I feel guilty because I probably wouldn't be enjoying any of these things if Patrick were still here. Getting used to living without your spouse is really hard. First of all, there is the actual living...waking up, getting out of bed, getting dressed, eating. None of those things were easy at first. I went through the motions and eventually it got a little easier. Once you master continuing to be alive, you have to decide if you are ever going to really LIVE again. That is a little harder to come to terms with. A lot has changed for me and not all of it is awful. I am in school, learning new things. I am recently taking better care of myself. I am cooking and kind of enjoying it a little. I am keeping my house tidy so that someone else can come and really clean it! lol I've learned to do more around the house and yard. I have a lot of new friends and deeper relationships with older friends. I get paid to be retired! My retirement future is honestly more secure than it would have been. I will get to enjoy my retirement years. My life is pretty ok right now and it really sucks that he is not here to enjoy it with me! The thing is, as much as losing him sucks, it happened, it's my reality. It makes no sense that God would take him from the girls and I, but we don't always get to know the reason. And even though most of my new life would have never been, it IS. As I like to say, "It is, what it is". This is the life I have been given. I could choose to spend all of my time mourning or I can choose to live. I decided to look up the meaning of "It is what it is" and it's actually kind of harsh and uses multiple curse words but it does sum things up perfectly. This is the way it's going to be! Deal with it! I'm putting the link in case you want to see it. http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=It%20is%20what%20it%20is I am going to try and enjoy things without guilt. I know this is what he would've wanted. I'm not going to apologize for knowing my new friends or enjoying my car. This doesn't mean that I don't miss him. I will always think about him. Every. Single. Day. Hopefully it will be with a smile on my face. Earlier I was sitting at Camille's soccer game. As is typical we weren't happy with some of the calls and the other coach was a little obnoxious. One of the dads was being quite vocal about it and his wife scolded him a little. I laughed to myself and thought this was the first time I was happy Patrick was not there. He probably would have considered it s challenge to be more obnoxious and I would have been stressed that he was going to get the ref angry. I would have said "PATRICK!!!!!!!" many times! This would have been said very quickly and somewhat quietly because he didn't like to be scolded. And MAYBE he would have listened or probably he would have just gotten up and walked away. If I'm being honest, I guess I would have been happy to deal with him if he could have been there. Instead, I just laughed and smiled. It doesn't always hurt unbearably and it's good when I have a happy or funny memory. I will keep working on the guilt. I think it's going to be a work in progress and that's fine.

#Grief #imisshim

[danellt9]

Aches and pains

Retirement is a lot busier than you might think! I never believed it when retired people told me this but I seem to have a lot more to do! I have to keep reminding myself to have patience since I want to do so many things at once. I never imagined that I would be a full time student again. My program is designed around people who work. I only take one class at a time for 8 weeks. The class I am in right now is a lot of work and I am so thankful that I don't have to work on top of doing my course work. I have had to relearn academic writing and study habits. I had terrible study habits when I did my undergraduate degree. Now that I am older and presumably wiser I see the value in planning out my work so that I have adequate time to finish it. I really can't believe how much time I spend on school work. I think I care more this time around. I don't like to do poorly so I am always striving to improve each week. Patrick was always much more disciplined than I was in college. I know he worked a lot harder than I did. His classes were a lot harder and he was dedicated to being the best he could be. He always set high standards for himself. Even when I went to visit he made time for homework. I think he instilled this work ethic in his daughters and I know he would be proud of them. Sierra is back at Long Beach for her last semester. In a few months she will be graduating and then Camille graduates a week later. I am trying to prepare myself but I fully expect to be an emotional wreck. I am happy that he was here for most of their school years. It's really hard not having him now. The girls are mostly grown so there really aren't a lot of "decisions" left to be made but I am so used to discussing everything with him. We would problem solve or just share the joy being parents brought to us. I am getting used to doing more things on my own. Tonight was trash night so I cleaned leftovers out of the fridge. This reminded me of Patrick's weekly Wednesday night ritual. I would be cleaning the kitchen and he would announce that it was trash night and he would proceed to take containers out of the fridge and empty the food into the trash. Then he would add the containers to my pile of dishes. I would get so annoyed! Many times I was almost done with the dishes and looking forward to relaxing. I would kind of glare at him and he would be surprised since he was just helping. Why did I get annoyed? Looking back now it is so silly. The things that we waste energy on! I would spend all day washes dishes for another 15 minutes with him! I realize that hindsight is 20-20 and that we tend to only focus on the positive qualities of loved ones who have gone before us. I know he wasn't perfect but he was a good man. If I had it to do over I would spend more time showing him how much he was loved and appreciated and less time being annoyed about silly things! I'm on my second week of workouts. I got my boxing gloves and so far I have only used them in workouts. I like having them. It makes me feel tough! LOL. I'm not as sore this week as I was last week. I have had a variety of aches and pains and I am wondering how "normal" people deal with these. Patrick graduated from PT school in 1991 and became my personal, in home, physical therapist. He was good too! Sometimes the "massages" were not very relaxing and I knew that I could expect to be sore for a few days. The pain was worth it because once the few days had gone by I would be much improved. Now I am not quite sure what to do when something really hurts. Admittedly most of the things he treated over the years would not have warranted a Drs visit. He might whine a little but he always took care of me. He also was my only therapist after my hip replacement. Most people go to physical therapy after hip replacements but he did my therapy at home. Then he would tell me what I could and couldn't do. Skiing was out which was not a big loss since I was never good at it. Running was also out. If he were still here, I would keep him SO busy with my new fitness regimen. He would be happy that I was working out but probably have second thoughts when I came home everyday with a new sore spot or a question about what I could or couldn't do. I know I drove him crazy at times but I am so grateful that he put up with me! I really miss him.!

#grief #missing him

[danellt9]

Patience

"I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end." Margaret Thatcher The leader of my widow support group challenged us to pick one word for 2017. The instructions involved putting a little thought into it and I wasn't sure if I was going to do it. With school work and all I didn't really want another assignment. I thought it might take too long to figure it out, but then it came to me, "PATIENCE." This might seem like an odd choice for me. In some ways I am a very patient person. I also sometimes have a need for instant gratification. This is the reason I liked gambling so much, in fact, too much! Last year the girls and I spoiled ourselves a little so I had a lot of instant gratification (not gambling though). But we can't live like that forever. Patrick has been gone nine months today. Most of the time I wish I could travel back in time to spend more time with him or relive happy memories. I know that is not my reality so the rest of the time I wish I could fast forward to a time when the grief is not so bad. I know it will never go away but I have heard it does get somewhat easier and that's where I want to be. The thing is, I have also heard that you can't hold it in, you have to work through it. So that's where patience comes in. "No, no! The adventures first, explanations take such a dreadful time." Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass I need to accept that everything takes time. I can't blink my eyes and be laughing and smiling all the time, I need to be patient. I want to be in better shape and lose weight. That won't happen overnight and if I want to develop good habits, really lifestyle changes, I need to be patient. I've talked about all of the different things I want to do to get organized and I know I can't do them all at once. I have already been exercising some patience by just accepting that I will get things done as I get them done, it's not going to happen overnight. Patrick was much more patient than I am. I'm pretty sure that I probably tried to convince him that we should get married sooner but he stuck to the plan. Maybe the long (to me) wait for the proposal was a little lesson for me, be patient, good things are to come. I think we could all use a little more patience in life. One thing I like about my new workouts is that we don't spend too much time on any one exercise. So even if it is something I hate, or I am really tired, I know I just have to hang in there for a bit longer and then we will move on to something else. Patience is knowing that if you keep walking through the darkness, eventually there will be light again. As hard as losing Patrick has been, I know I will experience joy, happiness and love again and again in my life. It's not going to happen overnight, so I just have to be patient. "Patience is power. Patience is not an absence of action; rather it is "timing" it waits on the right time to act, for the right principles and in the right way." Fulton J. Sheen

#grief #patience #one word

[danellt9]

Working through the pain

The pain is almost unbearable at times. I try not to think about it but even the simplest tasks have become hard. Why am I so weak? Why am I so out of shape?! I love having "good" pain for a change. Okay, I really don't love the pain but at least I know there will be a reward. I have been inspired by several friends to join Urban Block Fitness. I'm doing a 6 week challenge and working out every day at 7 AM. Did I mention I am NOT a morning person? I picked that time slot to join my friends Craig and Linda Crews. So far I haven't cursed at them but I get my boxing gloves on Thursday so who knows what could happen? The workout is unlike anything I've done before. It's a lot of different strength and cardio activities and honestly, except for the pain, I am really enjoying it. I'm also trying to change my eating habits so I am using Juice Plus, inspired by another friend, Alicia Marzette. Wow, I'm like a commercial! I'm doing this for me but also for the girls and especially for Patrick. He always loved me, no matter what. And he told me I was beautiful at times when I didn't feel good about how I looked. But I know he worried about my health and I owe it to him to take better care of myself. I know I can do it. I'm competitive and I may not look like it now but there's an athlete somewhere inside of me! Patrick and I both ran Varsity Cross Country and Track in High School. He ran for Hoover and I ran for Clovis High. We were probably at many of the same meets but we never met until after our first year of college. I tried to continue running but just didn't have much discipline. Really I stuck with running so long because I liked being on the team. I wasn't the best runner but a few times I was able to score points for the team. I made lifelong friends and my coaches had a big impact on my life. In fact I probably would have never met Patrick if I didn't end up working for John Prandini, who is Carlo's brother. Over the years I tried different things while Patrick consistently did the same things and was always in good shape. I joined gyms and he rode his bike to work. I quit gyms and he rode his bike to work in the rain. We tried jogging together but he was too serious about exercise and He would literally start running circles around me. When the girls were young we would put them in the stroller and go for long walks. That eventually stopped when they got too big to stay in the stroller but too small to walk with us. I'm embarrassed to admit this but when we were first married I recorded 3 1/2 hours of Soaps each day. I watched Young and the Restless, The Bold and the Beautiful, As The World Turns and Guiding Light. We decided to buy some kind of stepping or gliding machine so I could do cardio in front of the TV. And guess what? I quit watching Soaps! After my hip replacement in 2006 I was more limited so we got a recumbent bike. I like having it because it was a great place to hang clothes after doing the laundry. By this point Patrick rarely rode to work because he worked too close and it wasn't enough of a workout. So he would get up and either run or ride his bike then shower and take a leisurely ride to work or just drive there. He trained for and ran two marathons but he didn't understand the need to make such a spectacle out of it so he mostly just ran around the neighborhood. In 2008 he and the girls bought me a mountain bike for Mother's Day. And I finally found something that I enjoyed. After a few months of riding I began training for a Century Ride and eventually bought a road bike. I did well with this at first but I got to the point where I thought that if I rode 30 or 50 miles I could eat whatever I wanted and that didn't work out to well. No matter what, he kept working out. He was in perfect health, never sick and he died riding his bike for exercise. Due to the circumstances, we didn't even have the option of donating all of those healthy organs. This occurred to me days later and it really made me sad. I still have my bikes. They are gathering dust. I've ridden a handful of times and maybe I will ride more someday but I just can't do it right now. We'll see how I do with my latest venture into exercising. He would have been pleased but probably skeptical. Hopefully, for once, I can stick with it. If I can just get through the pain!

#grief

[danellt9]

Calming the chaos

In the aftermath of Patrick’s death there has been ongoing disorganization in my household. The initial disorganization was the chaos in my mind as I struggled to take what was once my dependable life and reorganize it into an unexpected future. I call this widow fog or grief fog and it still reappears at times. Disorganization is actually a really good word for the mental state I have been in. Since early in our relationship we had been on this life path that was pretty carefully planned out. The plan went on and on but suddenly he was gone. I’m still trying to process the fact that the original plan is finished and the new plan is not complete. The remaining items in the plan mainly involved the girls. Get them through school, hopefully marriage someday and eventually grandchildren. Those things will still happen, just not as planned. The more obvious disorganization is in the house. On the day he died and for weeks afterward I ceased to care about my house. Aside from my initial concern that it was cluttered, once the worst was confirmed I simply didn’t care. Other people took care of things. People brought food and things like water, paper plates, paper towels… different people cleaned up. Items found temporary new homes. Things needed to be done and everyone knew I didn’t care where they put the dishes after they were washed. I caused some disorganization as I searched for pictures and other items to display at the service. I was obsessed with capturing his essence and I seem to keep pictures in a lot of different places. I also spent time going through drawers and boxes looking for things. I didn’t care about putting things back exactly as I found them. We are approaching 9 months and I am still disentangling the chaos. Sometimes I just don’t understand how there is still so much. The garage especially confounds me. Patrick had a weight machine in the garage. The area around it had to be clear in order for him to workout, which he did multiple times each week. That area is now one big pile of confusion. I finally figured out that there was a home for everything but Patrick’s preferred method of storage was based on the game Tetris. I’m convinced that there is only one way to put things back and only he knew that. Some things belong in hard to reach places or involve a feat of physical strength to get them put away. Like most garages we probably need about 1/5 of the things we have in there. And I guarantee you that Patrick would have said it was a smaller number. A tenth, or even smaller. He always joked about renting a dumpster and putting most of what we own in it because, “We have too much stuff”. I have a housekeeper now and I know he would definitely have an opinion about this. In fact I know what his opinion was. Even though we never had a housekeeper he always said that people had to clean up before the housekeeper came. Once this was done, why do you need a housekeeper? I am paying them to clean toilets, vacuum and dust. The biggest service they are providing is motivation. Every two weeks everything needs to be in it’s “home”, ready for the housekeepers. So far this has been accomplished by having a few off limits rooms. Last time I made it my mission to get the sunroom at a point where they could at least clean most of it. The loft/office area is next on the list. I really can’t stress enough what a mental boost it is to have things clean and organized. Maybe it is just me and other people wouldn’t care? I try to go to Goodwill every week or two. I know I could have a garage sale but I am not willing to store items in anticipation of that. Sometimes you need to do it in stages. I did some organizing and downsizing in the kitchen over the summer and I am planning to do it again at some point. This week I tackled the spice cabinet, which was ridiculous! Who thought up the Tupperware spice containers? I had the full set, carefully labeled with various spices. I don’t normally cook very much! Patrick pretty much used salt, pepper, garlic and hot sauce. And did you know that most spices are really only good for around 12 months! I had no clue! And the spice companies are smart! A lot of them are not labeled with a use by date. So, you’re already at a disadvantage and then you put them in a Tupperware container with no date!!!??? I threw out at least 4/5 of the spices in the cabinet. I’m too embarrassed to tell you the oldest confirmed date on a spice but it was older than Sierra. 😂😂😂 And seriously, I bet the Tupperware ones were even older! Yesterday I was working on the loft, going through pictures and greeting cards. I have a lot of random unused cards. I like to keep some on hand but I also forget to take them with a gift so I found several age specific children’s cards and I set them aside even though I probably won’t remember that I already have a card for a 2 year old’s birthday. I also found “To The Special Man I married”. I know there are more like this. We didn’t always make a big fuss about birthdays and I always intended to give him his card… But life is busy and a card for your spouse is not one that you quickly sign. There is so much to say. I really wish I had taken the time to write those words and give him that card. I’m not going to dwell on it, he knew I loved him. But if I had it to do over again… Today I will organize a little more and I will keep working on it until everything has a place and is neatly stored there. Hopefully the organization will clear a little more of the fog. I need to be able to see what lies ahead on my new path.

#grief #missing him

[danellt9]

Retirement plans

Yesterday was my first day of retirement. It's kind of funny because I know it's not forever, I will have to work again. I didn't do anything exciting. I did school work and went for a walk in between rain showers. Since it's January I thought I would try to develop some healthy habits. I used to walk regularly and I honestly can't remember the last walk I took. I went on the new sidewalk on Temperance for the first time and I think it was finished over the summer. For so long I just did the bare minimum of everything. I think I did okay with recognizing my limits. I knew exercise would be good for my spirits but I just didn't make it a priority. Ironically one of the last times I walked this route was the Monday after Easter. Sierra and Camille were both out of school and I encouraged Patrick to take the day off and drive to the coast with them. Work was busy for me and I knew he needed a break. They drove over to San Luis Obispo and Pismo Beach for the day and went to his favorite lunch place, Lincoln Deli. They have great sandwiches and a great selection of micro-brewery beer so he loved it! He and I went there on our 23rd anniversary trip. We took the PT cruiser convertible and parked it in the sloped parking area next to the deli. We were ordering our sandwiches when someone came in and said, "Is anyone driving a PT cruiser? It's in the street!" He was so excited to be there that he had not put the car in park. It rolled back into the street but thankfully hit nothing. I still laugh when I think about it. I know they had a great time and I'm happy they went since it turned out to be their last trip together. That day I went for a late afternoon walk. I wasn't sure when they were coming home and I was kind of waiting to hear from them. I think I may have tried to text one of them and they were probably in the area between Paso Robles and Kettleman City with no cell reception. I had this passing thought about how awful it would be if something happened to them. I pictured getting a phone call and becoming completely hysterical. I told myself I was being ridiculous and before long I did hear from them and all was well. That flashed through my mind and it reminded me that as bad as this experience was, it wasn't the worst thing that could've happened and I'm grateful that I still have my girls. I do have lots of plans for my pseudo-retirement. Someone asked if I would be working on my bucket list. So far that includes cleaning out the garage and doing more organizing and cleaning. It's an ongoing process but it has been a good, healing activity to organize and make small changes. I'm not trying to remove Patrick's memory but it seems to make things easier if I make slight changes. Maybe it's just the fact that I am moving forward? I'm also going to tackle the closet at some point. There are still a lot of his things in there. I'm not giving myself a timetable but I know that at some point I will decide to clear it out. I guess that just seems like such a final thing so I'm not rushing myself. Another to-do item is ordering his headstone. I'm not sure why but I just agonize over that. I want it to be perfect and I just can't decide exactly what I want on it. It will actually be my headstone too so that's kind of creepy! I am not putting any of my info on it yet. My Grandpa Hatch did that when my Grandma Janell died and I always hated seeing his name on there. Ironically he remarried and died in Arkansas so he was never buried in that grave. Part of me wants to just make it a full Patrick headstone and who cares how they do it after I'm gone! I know that many people visit his grave more often than I do so I apologize that there is just a small marker. I'm working on it but it's a slow process for me. For now I'm just going to tackle one thing at a time. Eventually I will plan something fun. I have lots of time. I'm retired! 😉