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deadgirlwalking91 · 2 days

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new update - 'Thank You for the Venom', chapter 4 🎸 🗡️

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter 4 Summary

After a hard day, all Lute wants to do is relax in the bath. Alone.

Adam, however, has other plans.

Author's note:

I have a super cool announcement to make - I now have a beta reader! And not just any old beta - she is none other than the most incredible, incomprehensibly talented @branded-rose! She deserves the utmost thanks for being my sounding board, fellow head-canon theoriser, hype gal and all-round legend. Also, if you aren't familiar with her work, close this tab right now and go check her art and accompanying mini-fics out!

I have had the MOST fun writing this chapter. The concept for it has undergone a few transformations in my mind, and I'm glad it's ended up where it has. I hope you all enjoy reading it!

As always, thank you for the comments, likes, reblogs, inboxes and for reading this silly little story <3

***

Lute’s Apartment, Exorcist Training Centre, Heaven

Lute hated being injured.

It wasn’t necessarily the feeling of being in pain that she couldn’t stand. On the contrary, she welcomed the tenderness of every bruise, the sting of every laceration – hell, the dull, aching throb of every broken bone that had been inflicted upon her over her years as an Exorcist. Pain meant she had no hesitations in putting her body on the line; she was renowned, after all, for her reputation as an unrelenting, unstoppable, balls-to-the-wall killing machine.

Her body was heavily adorned with the scars as proof of her status; hundreds of faded gold marks of varying sizes were flecked upon her otherwise pale skin. Each healed wound beheld a gory reminder of her battles and triumphs.

No, what irked Lute was the unwanted attention that she attracted whenever she sustained an injury. Thankfully, due to her recent refocus on physical conditioning, there were no weapons being handled and therefore, there should have been minimal opportunity for anybody to come into harm’s way under her guidance.

There was just one variable that Lute hadn’t accounted for: her dickhead boss.

What the fuck had Adam been thinking, tackling her so suddenly during that afternoon’s training session? One minute, she’d been pointing out common weak spots to hit on a Sinner’s body to expose their vulnerabilities, and then the next she’d unexpectedly been crushed by him. Her right hip and lower back had taken the brunt of the fall as he’d grabbed her around the torso, pinned her arms against her body and drove her into the floor with a force so great she’d been winded before she hit the deck.

Then, her sisters had shrieked, screamed – there may have even been one who cried, there usually was when someone hurt themselves – and crowded around her as she lay on the hardwood floor, dazed, confused and completely smothered by Adam’s considerably larger frame.

“Get off her, Sir, she’s not breathing!”

“I-is…is she dead?”

“Lieutenant, are you alright?!”

“Are you fucking kidding me, Commander?! What the fuck was that?!” Thank God for Vaggie, who had elbowed her way to the front of the gaggling group and stood, hands on hips, glaring at the angel who lay atop her friend.

“Out of line, Vagina,” he had drawled lazily, finally pulling himself up to a standing position. “You owe me burpees for that.”

“I don’t owe you a thing after the bullshit you just pulled,” she’d snapped back, helping Lute stand to her feet. “Ladies, back up, she’s coming through.”

“Thanks,” Lute had managed to grunt, shuffling away from the crowd as quickly as she could so they couldn’t see the golden flush of humiliation that had started to warm her cheeks. There was only one thing that she hated more than being injured, and that was being embarrassed.

Luckily, the colour of her face had returned to normal by the time she’d knocked on Sera’s door to report that training had been cancelled for the rest of the day. She’d even come up with the perfect excuse: the Exorcists had made such remarkable progress with their strength training she was giving them the rest of the afternoon off as a reward while she made some adjustments to their schedule.

Too bad her hip and lower back had started burning by that point – not to mention the feathers of her wings were incredibly ruffled, a dead giveaway that she’d been involved in some kind of mishap. Sera, astute as ever, noticed her limp and disgruntled appearance and had demanded to know what had happened. And it wasn’t like Lute could lie to the Head Seraphim.

At least, not off the cuff.

And so, she found herself fumbling for her key outside her apartment door, ordered to rest up for the evening lest her injuries worsened.

Oh, she was going to rest up, alright. Today’s events called for a bath so damn hot her skin would burn brighter than the surface of the sun, a glass of wine in one hand and steamy novel in another. She’d slip beneath the bubbles of her bath and into the pages of her book, with zero plans to re-enter reality for at least three – no, maybe four hours.

At last, she felt her apartment key in bottom of her bag. Sighing in relief as she entered her immaculate personal sanctuary, she softly pushed the front door back towards its frame without looking, kicking her trainers off as soon she was fully inside. Hanging her bag onto a hook in her entryway, she made a beeline for her small kitchen – specifically, for a bottle of red wine she knew she’d had stashed away at the bottom of her pantry for emergencies and unexpected visits from Vaggie.

After the day she’d had, this was absolutely classified as an emergency.

Ignoring the burn that seemed to now consume most of her lower body, Lute located a wine glass and unscrewed the lid of the bottle, pausing to take a long swig directly from it before filling her glass.

Classy.

Sipping her drink from its intended vessel, she plucked a candle off her coffee table and wandered into her bathroom to start preparing for her date with her bathtub.

As Lute sat her glass and candle onto the counter, she caught her reflection in the mirror. God, she looked like she’d had a day – though, to be fair, she’d had the absolute wind knocked out of her only a few hours earlier. Her platinum hair, half of which had been twisted into a small knot on top of her head, had loose strands starting to fall around her face. The bun was askew, leaning more towards the right and threatening to unravel any minute. If her little altercation hadn’t been so public, it wouldn’t be so farfetched for one to imagine she’d been sandwiched between her boss and the floor for a different reason.

Snorting in disgust to herself at the mental image she’d painted, she released her topknot and leant down to turn on the bath mixer, nudging the lever closer to the right until the water temperature was practically scalding. Perfection. She plugged the bath and turned her attention to the unlit candle.

She’d forgotten the lighter. Dammit. She walked gingerly back out into her living area, peeling her crop top up and off over her head, letting it fall to the floor somewhere near the bench of her kitchen, her socks following. Usually, she’d never allow herself to leave stray items of clothing around her apartment, but she was so hyper focused on getting into her bath she was willing to break her own rules - just this once. Besides, she’d tidy up before bedtime anyhow.

After she grabbed the lighter from an overhead cabinet that was just out of reach, requiring a little assistance from her wings, she set back to the bathroom to light her candle. The calming combination of rose geranium, bergamot and patchouli filled her bathroom almost instantaneously; the smell reminded her of the one and only time she’d allowed Vaggie to drag her to a day spa for a massage and to get her wings preened.

It was a one-time event because, as it turned out, strangers touching her body made her skin crawl and she couldn’t bring herself to relax, even if the aim was to help relieve years of built-up tension, stress and physical exertion. Getting her wings preened was even worse; the therapist kept running her fingers through all her sensitive spots, which made Lute squirm uncomfortably throughout the entire session. Neither experience was what she would call enjoyable.

The only good thing to come out of that disaster was the candle she’d purchased to reassure Vaggie the day hadn’t totally sucked.

She took another sip of wine and looked back in the mirror, turning to see if she could see any obvious signs of bruising on her body. She pulled the waistband of her leggings down for a better look – ah, there it was, a familiar dark orange patch beginning to bloom directly over her right hip. She leant forward to inspect it further – that was going to be ugly tomorrow – and a repetitive, robotic tune sung from her pocket, breaking her concentration. Probably Vaggie checking in on her, bless her.

Lute dug her hand into her pocket and retrieved her phone, frowning as she checked the caller ID.

Commander Adam.

“Absolutely not.” She hit the red decline button and padded out to her lounge, where she turned her phone off and tossed it onto her couch. Bath time had a strict no-phone policy, and Adam had already ruined enough of her day – she didn’t need him encroaching on her night, too. She shimmied her leggings down her lower half, resting against the arm of her couch to support her body as she bent over and tugged the end of them off her feet.

Clad only in her underwear now – a practical, black, seam-free thong ideal for wearing under workout clothes – Lute headed into her bedroom, where she grabbed the book she was currently reading from her nightstand, closing the door as she turned towards the bathroom. Pausing in the hall to rid herself of her last item of clothing, entered the bathroom, fully naked, shutting the door firmly behind her.

The bath was now full and inviting, bubbles threatening to spill over the edge and onto the white tiled floor, steam visibly rising from its depths and dissipating somewhere just short of the ceiling. Grinning in anticipation, Lute shut the mixer off and turned off the light switch, the flickering flame of the candle providing the only source of light – just enough for her to be able to read. Grabbing her book, she stepped into the hot water, allowing the heat to envelop her completely as she slid down into its warmth, tucking her wings comfortably against her sides.

Sighing contentedly to herself, she opened her paperback up to where she’d dog-eared her page and allowed herself to be fully consumed by the words between the well-loved cover, banishing any thoughts, any feelings, any pain that had arisen from her day out of her mind.

What she was blissfully unaware of was that she hadn’t closed her front door properly.

Or that she’d missed two calls, a voicemail and a text message from her boss.

And that he was on a frantic mission to try and find her.

Right now.

Adam and Lute’s Office, Exorcist Training Centre, Heaven

“You’ve reached Lute. Leave me a message if it’s important.”

“What is the point of having a damn lieutenant,” Adam growled to himself furiously, “if she doesn’t answer her fucking phone when I need her to!” Huffing impatiently, he threw his phone onto his cluttered desk, knocking a ball made entirely of rubber bands onto the floor. Women were always on their phones, why was this one any different?

Because her sole purpose in life is to make everything difficult.

He glowered in the direction of Lute’s spotless desk. This was all her fault. If she hadn’t of approached Sera with her shitty statistics and stupid proposal, he wouldn’t be facing the prospect of a pointless life in less than a year’s time. Sera would have just let Extermination Day continue as it was, and things would stay the same. Stay normal.

And now, he had to figure out a way to coexist peacefully with the she-devil. Pretend to support her ideas. Not lump his paperwork on her. Make small talk with her.

Fuck his life.

“Ribs or wings?” He asked the empty chair. He figured he may as well sound out some practice questions in preparation. “Actually neither, you’d be the type to survive on gross shit like protein shakes and probably don’t know what real food tastes like. Alright…” he cleared his throat. “Uh, what was the last movie that made you laugh? Nah, that one’s dumb, I don’t think you’ve been programmed to laugh or understand humour.” He groaned. “Last one, because I’m starting to feel like a dickhead. Most fuckable member of a band…go!”

Silence.

Adam narrowed his eyes.

“Yeah, you would pick the drummer,” he grumbled, standing up. He reached for his phone and tried calling Lute again. Bitch better pick up, or he’d search every nook and cranny of this complex for her. And once he found her, she’d have hell to pay. Screw the idea of a truce, she was pissing him off now.

“You’ve reached Lute. Leave me a message if it’s important.”

Beep.

“Fucks sake, Lieutenant, pick up your phone!” He hissed. Instead of locking the phone after hanging up, he hit the message icon instead and tapped out a quick text, tongue between his teeth as he concentrated.

Adam: Lt. Call me. That’s an order!!!

He shoved the phone into his pocket and sighed, puffing his cheeks out. Dammit, he really had no other choice but to find her.

If I were her, where would I spend my spare time? No – it could take hours trying to find her. I need a workaround. Someone who would know where she lives.

Adam grinned maniacally, inspiration suddenly kicking in.

“I’m a ge-ni-us,” he sang to himself, taking his phone out once more and tapping on a contact.

“Hello, Adam. Have you calmed down?”

“Me? Pfft. Don’t worry about me Sera, I’m so fine. I’m calling because I really want to apologise to Lute, but she’s not answering her phone. Do you have her apartment number so I can drop by to check on her?” He balled his hand into a fist near his crotch and made an obscene gesture. Check on her, his ass.

Silence.

“Adam.”

“Sera.”

“If I do this in good faith,” her voice was dangerously cool on the other end of the phone, “and I find out that you’ve misused the information I’ve given you, there will be consequences. Understood?”

“Crystal, boss.”

“Her apartment number is 583. I mean it Adam, one more incident from you and I-”

“SweetkaythanksSeraloveyoubossbye!” He quickly hung up the phone before Sera could finish her sentence. He’d deal with the inevitable lecture he’d get for hanging up on her later.

He had a lieutenant to hunt down.

Apartment Block, Exorcist Training Centre, Heaven

It wasn’t often that Adam found himself in a situation that required him to make a mental pros and cons list.

However, Lute had left him in quite the predicament: her apartment door was slightly ajar. Which meant he was likely to find her in there: big pro.

He was also likely to find her in a more hostile state than usual, given the events that had transpired earlier that day: big con.

But, if he went in, he’d be able to propose a truce, which would help ensure the success of the next Extermination: bigger pro.

Also, he could twist his pitch to emphasise that it would make her job easier: another big pro.

Fuck it, that was all the evidence he needed. He was getting impatient. He nudged the door open, expecting a response from inside. Nothing.

“Lieutenant?” Adam called, pushing the door open further and poking his head inside. “You home?”

No answer.

He frowned as he fully entered the apartment, observing the immaculate home in front of him. His colleague lived a truly minimalistic lifestyle – he found it borderline depressing, really. A small TV, two-seater couch and coffee table were all that occupied her living room. No decorative clutter. No prints on the walls. No photos of friends. Clothes on the floor.

He did a double take. Clothes on the floor?!

That… he hadn’t been expecting. Then again, he didn’t take Lute as the type to leave her front door unlocked and open when she was nowhere to be seen.

He strode forward, trying to get his bearings around her apartment based on the trail of her clothes. Crop and socks by the kitchen counter to his left. He walked past the discarded pants next to the couch on his right. A dead end with two closed doors and…something scrunched up on the floor? He bent to take a closer look and bolted upright once he realised what it was.

Her underwear.

Dismayed, he blinked repeatedly at the offending item of clothing on the floor in front of him. This surely had to be some kind of fucked-up fever dream. Because if somebody had told him that during his search for his second-in-command that he’d find himself staring down at her underwear on the floor, he would have thrown them down into the pits of Hell himself.

“Sera must have put some kind of curse on me with her four hundred weird eyes,” he muttered. “This is too messed up to be real.” He took a wide berth, desperate to avoid the offending undergarment, and found himself directly in front of one door, with another to his left. Both were closed.

He tentatively opened the door in front of him, hoping to catch her in bed, asleep. Where else could she possibly be? He knew he’d likely pay for it – she wasn’t likely to enjoy being woken up, least of all by him – but it’d be worth it just to see the sheer panic that would likely cross her face for a brief second before she went off the rails.

However, nothing could have prepared Adam for what was behind that door.

Because, he’d found his lieutenant, alright. In the bathtub, her body illuminated only by candlelight.

Naked.

Adam looked down at her, his eyes widening in horror. Oh no. No, no, no. This wasn’t happening. This was meant to be her bedroom, she was supposed to be asleep and she definitely wasn’t supposed to be fucking NAKED.

He’d opened the wrong fucking door.

“SHIT!”

He clapped his hand over the mouth of his mask, accidentally banging the door completely open in the process, revealing his presence to the wide-eyed angel laying in front of him.

The same wide-eyed angel who, renowned for her reputation as a bloodthirsty killer, had a murderous look in her eyes that he’d never seen before, despite many an excursion down to Hell.

Shit. I’m SO dead.

Lute’s Bathroom, Apartment Block, Exorcist Training Centre, Heaven

“I am going to KILL you!”

The water in her bath had long gone lukewarm, but white-hot heat radiated throughout Lute’s body, starting from her cheeks and spreading rapidly all the way down to her toes. Still seated, she instinctively flung her book to the other side of the room. She desperately grabbed in the direction of her towel with one hand, her other arm pressed tightly against her breasts in a feeble attempt to cover as much skin as possible. She just needed to get this towel around her, sprint to the kitchen, grab the butcher’s knife and-

“Shit!” Adam yelped, turning away from his lieutenant, drawing his golden wings around his middle to protect himself. He hastily began retreating into her lounge, eyes fixed on the front door. At lighting speed, Lute seized her opportunity to stand – an awful squelch filling the room as water sloshed out of the bath onto the floor - and retrieve her towel, hastily wrapping it around her body with one hand, not bothering to dry herself before hurling herself out of the tub towards her superior.

Her wings were weighed down with half of the water from her bath, soaking through her white towel completely so it clung to her like a skin-tight dress. As she ran, enormous puddles of water pooled in her wake, but she didn’t care. Water could be cleaned up anytime.

She had mere moments, however, to violently murder her boss.

With an almighty cry, she launched herself at Adam’s back, still clutching the towel at the top her sternum. Her knee caught him in his lower back, causing him to stumble and trip, face-down onto the carpet of her living room.

“How-” she growled, straddling his upper back with her thighs, knees poking into his armpit, leaning forward so that her free arm curled around the front of his neck, “- the fuck did you get into my house, you disgusting piece of shit?”

“Maybe,” Adam rasped, using both of his hands to pull Lute’s arm away from his windpipe, “you should learn to lock your door, Lieutenant. You left it wide open for all of Heaven to come in and enjoy the show!”

“And you didn’t think it polite to knock?!” she roared. “Or, I don’t know, try calling me first?! What could you possibly want so fucking badly,” she grunted the last word as she squeezed her thighs against his back, bracing herself so she could fend off his hands, which were gradually freeing her elbow from his throat, “that you needed to walk in on me in the fucking bath?! How long were you standing there, perv?!”

Adam groaned in discomfort as her knees dug into his underarms. Lute squeezed harder again as she moved her mouth closer to the side of his head to get close to his ear.

“I am giving you three seconds,” she snarled, ignoring her towel slipping down her chest as she channelled all her energy into closing the gap between her elbow and his neck, “to explain yourself before I choke you to death. I don’t care if Sera casts me down into hell; a life of damnation would be worth it if it meant I got to be the one to end yo-”

Adam’s right hand let go of Lute’s forearm and he braced it on the floor so he could jerk his right shoulder up and over to his left violently, causing Lute to teeter off-balance and fall sideways onto her already bruised hip. She yelped in pain, motionless for a moment and Adam, now free, took advantage of her breather to straddle her thighs, pinning them together with his own. His knees were quickly becoming soaked as he pressed into the wet towel that still clung to her lower body, but he didn’t care. She howled in rage and made to claw at his mask with her free hand before he caught her wrist and held it to the floor above her head, his face only inches above hers. With his other hand, he swiftly untangled Lute’s fist from her towel and brought it up next to her other hand, pinning her down completely.

“Listen here, girlie,” he seethed as she thrashed her legs violently behind him, attempting to use her hips to throw him off. “I didn’t fucking come here to do anything untoward, alright? I needed to talk to you urgently and you weren’t answering your phone. Your door was wide open. What else was I supposed to do?”

“You didn’t notice the trail of clothes on the floor and think I might be otherwise occupied?”

“Oh please, I’ve seen enough thongs to last me an afterlife. Your underwear on the floor wasn’t going to stop me from finding you. Besides, I’d assumed you were in bed, asleep. Hold still you crazy bitch, I need to talk to you.”

“There is nothing you could need to tell me that necessitates coming into my home uninvited - argh.” She arched her back to try and twist herself free, her towel now dangerously close to being rendered completely useless. Frustrated, wet and spent, she let her head drop back against the carpet, her chest heaving with exhaustion. Adam’s eyes flickered downwards, and he grinned devilishly.

“Didn’t realise you gave up so easily, Dangertits.”

“What the fuck did you just call me?!” she hissed. Her cheeks flushed brilliantly as she looked down and realised that he’d snuck a quick look at her cleavage, which was beginning to spill over the top of her towel.

“You heard me, babe. I think that’s what I’ll refer to you as from now on. It really…” he let his gaze trail down to her chest again, before deliberately taking his time to being his eyes back up to hers again, knowing that he was antagonising her now. A wicked gleam etched across his mask. “…suits you. Ready to wave the white flag and hear me out?”

“I’d rather fucking die.”

“Not an option, Lieutenant. Shut up and stop running that filthy mouth of yours for a sec and listen to me. That’s an order.”

Lute glowered at him.

“Let me go.”

Adam snickered. “Not a chance.”

“Now.”

“Nuh-uh.”

“I’ll tell Sera.”

“Tattling again, Lieutenant? That would be twice today. I’ll give you a hot tip, because I’m feeling generous.” He bent his head low against her ear, his forehead pressing against her hair as he whispered into her ear. “I strongly advise you against it. Wouldn’t want the boss thinking you can’t hold your own now, would you?”

Lute shuddered at his closeness – or was the adrenaline starting to wear off and a chill settling in because of the wet towel? It didn’t matter, anyway. He was right. She couldn’t go to Sera again with something like this. It would make her appear weak. Incapable. Not to mention that the whole situation was utterly humiliating, and there was no way she was telling a single soul about what had happened tonight. Not even Vaggie.

“What do you want, then?”

Adam lifted his head back up, so their faces were parallel once more and scoffed.

“Are you kidding me, babe? We’re not having this conversation right now! In case you haven’t noticed, you’re soaking wet – not in a good way, either – and basically naked. We can talk tomorrow morning.”

“Y-you,” Lute gasped, shutting her eyes in disbelief. After all this, he wasn’t even going to tell her. Oh, how she wanted nothing more than to tear him apart, limb by limb. “You asshole. You evil, conniving sonnuva-”

“Nine o’clock. Our office.” Adam released his grip on her wrist and rose to a standing position. He held out his hand to help her up, but Lute swatted it away angrily. He could shove it up his ass, as far she was concerned.

“Don’t be late.” He straightened his robes and headed towards her front door, whistling merrily to himself. Lute pulled herself into a sitting position, readjusting her towel so she was adequately covered once more. She said a silent prayer of thanks that the wetness of the towel meant that it stuck tight to her lower body, ensuring some level of modesty for her during their scrap. She desperately wanted to scream at him, throw something at his head, charge at him again and make him pay for the humiliation she’d just suffered.

But she didn’t. Because, despite wanting to exact her revenge immediately with every fibre of her being, she was overwhelmingly exhausted. At this point, all she had the energy to do was crawl into bed and forget that she’d even woken up this morning.

Adam grinned as he opened the door.

“At ease, Dangertits.” He saluted her mockingly before exiting.

He managed to close the door just in time to hear the TV remote hit the back of the door and clang to the floor.

***

Next time: Lute's suspicious that Adam's trying to poison her.

#hazbin hotel #adam x lute #guardrock #guitarspear #guitarspear fic #hazbin adam #hazbin hotel adam #hazbin hotel lute #hazbin hotel fanfic #hazbin lute

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deadgirlwalking91 · 9 days

Text

new update - 'Thank You for the Venom', chapter 3 🎸 🗡️

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter 3 Summary

A minor training accident lands Adam in hot water with Sera.

Author's note:

I have a confession to make - I lied. At the end of the last chapter, I teased we'd hear the first time we'd hear Adam call Lute 'Dangertits'. I grossly underestimated how long this chapter would be, so you'll have to wait until next time for Lute's nickname. It's worth it, I promise! To everybody who has read, liked, commented, reblogged - thank you so very much!!! I hope you're enjoying reading about these two as much as I am writing them <3

Slight content warning - this chapter is Adam-centric, so expect plenty of swearing and mention of sexual activity.

***

Sera’s Office, Exorcist Training Centre, Heaven

Adam hated waiting outside the door of Sera’s office. It usually meant one thing, and one thing only: he was in trouble.

Leaning against the wall, he turned his head and pressed the side of his helmet to the cool surface that separated him from the two occupants inside the room. Holding his breath, he remained still, trying to eavesdrop on the conversation he had been excluded from. If only he could catch a word or two, he could give himself something to work with when he was inevitably summoned before Sera to plead his case.

Shit.

Exhaling in frustration, he located his phone in the pocket of his robes, unlocked it and opened his favourite dating app. A fond smile tugged at the corner of his mouth at the sight of the first profile he came across. Ah, Layla. A gorgeous brunette Exorcist, her beauty would have rendered most angels speechless as they madly tapped on her photo, hoping for a chance to connect with her.

Not Adam, however. Well, not this time, anyway.

Fucked her - twice. Swipe.

Boring. Swipe.

Into pegging a little too often for my liking. Swipe.

Ugh. The same babes, same bodies, same personalities that he’d become so familiar with over the years. It almost felt like they were all beginning to morph into the same woman, into one collective being. It didn’t matter anymore what their name was or where they came from – there was no discernible difference between any of them.

Not that they were aware he felt like that, of course. After all, he was the First Man, the Original Dick. His title alone granted him an untouchable celebrity status of sorts in Heaven – women literally threw themselves at his feet daily. As a man with needs, this suited him just fine. After an introduction, the roadmap to his bed was simple, almost formulaic: he’d flatter them, then back it up with some light flirting – never too heavy, or else they’d get the wrong idea. He was after a good time, not a long time. After the usual small talk, he’d flippantly mention something about not wanting to go home lonely, and his new lady friend would be only too obliging to accompany him not only to his home, but to his bedroom too. His method was foolproof, to say the least.

And yet, if he was perfectly honest with himself, it was also a little…boring. Sure, the women he bedded were hot, their personalities were…fine, and the sex perfectly enjoyable, but they were all totally predictable. Lately, Adam found himself craving something new, something challenging and… dare he say it, chaotic.

Too bad Heaven was as far from chaotic as realms came.

He sighed and shoved the phone back into his robes. Oh well. Better luck next time, maybe.

An abrupt scraping sound suddenly caught his attention, a tell-tale sign that the conversation inside Sera’s office was finally coming to an end.

About fucking time.

The door to his right creaked open, and without looking he knew exactly who was about to walk in the hall where he stood. He could practically feel the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end as he felt the hall grow colder with her nearing presence.

Lute.

The bane of his existence. A permanent thorn in his side, if you will. He was sure she’d be the eventual death of him – and given her penchant for bloody theatrics, it would be a drawn-out, brutal, excruciating demise that would have him painfully suffering until he drew his very last breath.

Well, if angels could die, anyhow. Unluckily for him, they couldn’t, which meant he was stuck with the she-devil as his second-in-command for God-knows how long. For-fucking-ever, probably.

Play it cool, dude. Just ignore her. Don’t -

“Have fun running off and telling Sera about our little incident today, Lieutenant?” he found himself blurting out, against his better judgement. “Though, I’m not surprised – coming to me first like an adult isn’t really your style, is it?”

Lute didn’t bother acknowledging his question, opting instead to salute him with a stiff middle finger over her shoulder, her other hand supporting her lower back as she walked gingerly down the hall. Adam couldn’t help but notice the slightly unnatural way her right hip rose and fell with each step that she took. Satisfied at the sight of her vulnerability, he smirked to himself as he watched her limp out of sight.

Bye, bitch.

“Adam, can you come in here please?” Sera called, interrupting his joy at relishing in his lieutenant’s injury. Anticipating the lecture he was about to endure, he rolled his eyes and strolled into Sera’s office, shutting the door behind him.

“Heyyyyy, boss-lady,” he chirped, scooting into one of Sera’s sterile office chairs. Knowing he’d have to kiss some serious ass to come out of the conversation unscathed, he took his helmet off, shaking his thick, brown hair out of his eyes, before setting it down on the adjacent chair. He never took his mask off for anybody. Ever. In fact, only Sera knew what he looked like underneath it – and that’s only because she’d been around for as long as he had.

Without fail, the women he took home would beg and plead for him to remove it during more intimate moments, but he’d gently chuckle and deflect the conversation.

‘Babe, that’s what makes this so hot, am I right? The mystery of it all? Wondering what the First Man really looks like as he fucks you?’

The line worked, every time.

Still, perhaps showing some vulnerability might win him some brownie points with his boss. “How’s my favourite Seraphim? Busy day?” He flashed her a rare, charming smile, his golden irises twinkling, charisma oozing from every inch of his body.

“Adam,” Sera ignored his greeting completely, her interlocked fingers supporting her chin as she glared at the man opposite her. “Can you tell me about what happened in your training session just now?”

Adam’s smile faltered, and he knew by her matter-of-fact tone and pointed look that his suspicions were confirmed: he was in Trouble with a capital T. Fucking Lute, running off to tell Sera about their minor mishap. This conversation was going to be a real uphill battle if he had any chance of coming out the other end unscathed.

“Mmm, not really, no.”

“Would you like to try answering me again?”

“Ser-aaaaaaa.” Adam groaned and rubbed his face with his hands. Fuck it, he had no hope of escaping without some form of reprimand. May as well drop the act. “Why are you pulling my dick about this? It was just a little accident.”

“Your lieutenant doesn’t seem to think it was an accident.”

“Yeah, well, my lieutenant can go and get fuc-”

“Adam.”

He groaned and threw his head back, the nape of his neck resting atop the frame of the chair. “What do you want from me, Sera?” He squinted up into the fluorescent lamp directly above him, attempting to distract himself from the conversation at hand.

Ah, that’s bright as fuck.

“I want you to tell me what happened this afternoon.”

“Why? So you can lecture me on how I’ve supposedly fucked up – even though this was her fault - and then punish me by making me apologise to her? Nah, I’m good thanks, boss.” Blinking rapidly to rid himself of the dark spots that danced across his vision, he sat upwards again and crossed his arms, glaring at his superior.

Sera rubbed her temples, a tell-tale sign that a dull ache was beginning behind her eyes. Not an unusual thing to happen when she was in Adam’s presence.

“Adam, please. Lute can barely walk, she’s in that much pain.”

“I saw her walk out of here just fine, she’s putting it on. Come to think of it, she would be the kind to fake it.”

To his surprise, the word ‘fake’ stirred up a recent memory; one he thought he’d filed away. It was from when Lute had unveiled the new training plan to the Exorcists. More specifically, the sound Lute had made as she massaged her head after removing her helmet. A throaty ‘mmm’ totally unlike a noise he’d ever heard her make before as she’d closed her eyes, tilted her head back and arched her spine, clearly enjoying the satisfaction the feeling gave her.

‘That sound she’d made that day wasn’t fake though, was it?’, an unfamiliar voice in his mind questioned tauntingly, sending cool shivers down the back of his neck. ‘What if you could make her moan again like that? ’

What the fuck was that?!

Adam shook his head, pushing the unexpected image out of his mind. Whatever that was, it was fucking weird, and unwelcome and wrong and…and…

“I’m not going to ask you again. Please stop with the petty name calling and tell me what happened. Now.” Sera sat back in her chair, arms folded, waiting for him to fill in the gaps of the story Lute had told her moments earlier. Welcoming the rescue from his overactive imagination, Adam wearily eyed the faint outline of many ethereal eyes beginning to etch over Sera’s body. It wasn’t often that she lost her composure, but when she did her usually calm demeanour turned from ‘mildly annoying authoritative figure’ to ‘downright frightening, head-bitch-in-charge’.

“Alright, alright, fine. Jesus Sera, put your weird-ass eyes away, you know they scare the shit out of me.”

“I would have thought after thousands of years, you’d be used to them.” Sera motioned with her hands for Adam to begin before settling them back underneath her chin, her extra eyes fading back into her hair and clothes until there was no trace of them left. He ran a hand through his hair and exhaled deeply, glancing out the window, searching desperately for something else to focus on. He’d hoped for a distraction, but the quiet streets below failed to give him inspiration for a reprieve from his inevitable interrogation.

“You’re really gonna make me do this, aren’t you?” he scowled. Sera simply raised her eyebrows in response. “Fine, today was the first day the girls were allowed to start sparring with one another. No weapons or anything badass like that, just hand-to-hand combat. Like a shitty version of a catfight.”

“Why do you think it’s taken six weeks for that to happen?”

“Um,” Adam ruffled his hair again. “She didn’t think –”

“She has a name, Adam.”

“Fucking seriously, Sera?!” he exclaimed. “You know who I’m talking about!”

“I do, but if you’re going to move forward from this incident – and I’d think about this very carefully, Adam - you need to start to refer to Lute by name.”

“Ugh, fine.” Adam rolled his eyes. He usually found great entertainment in pushing the boundaries with other people’s patience, but Sera was one of the few people with the capacity to genuinely terrify him.

Plus being unmasked meant he was without his usual layer of defence.

Focus, Dickmaster.

“So for the past six weeks, Lute – happy now? - has been getting the girls to focus on improving their physical strength. Y’know, lifting weights, high intensity exercise, yada yada yada. Said she didn’t think they were ready to move forward until she saw they were fitter – mind you, I’ve always thought they were pretty fit myself, if you know what I mean.”

“Do you think they’ve improved?”

“Mmm…” Adam rubbed his chin, considering her question, shadowy stubble prickling his hand. “Look, they can run for longer periods of time, I guess? And she – Lute – isn’t dishing out as many burpees as punishment as she used to, so I s’pose they’ve also stopped fucking around as much during training. Anyway, this afternoon Lute got the girls to pair up and she forgot she needed a partner to demonstrate the manoeuvre on. ‘Coz there were uneven numbers, I was the sucker who ended up as her training dummy.

“So she starts telling the girls that if they find themselves alone and unarmed in Hell – which, can I just say, wouldn’t fucking happen under my watch - they need to know how to knock those demon cunts out – ”

“Her colourful language or yours?” Sera grimaced in disapproval at Adam’s word choice.

“Mine. Although I’m not sure if you’re aware, Sera, but your little pet project has the filthiest mouth –”

“Back to the point, Adam.”

‘She would be filthy, wouldn’t she? Bet she fucks nasty.’ That smug voice in the back of his mind whispered again tauntingly. Adam groaned.

“Shut up,” he muttered under his breath.

“What was that?”

“U-uh, n-nothing. Anyways - you interrupted me, remember, boss.” Adam waved a hand dismissively, recovering quickly from his outburst. “Lute tells them they need to know how to render a demon unconscious by beating the shit outta them so they can call another Exorcist for backup or escape the situation. Then, she has the fucking nerve to grab me and say, ‘allow me to demonstrate’!” He folded his arms. “She shows them where on the body to strike – can’t remember all of them, but I do remember one.” The corners of his eyes crinkled as he winced. “The groin.”

“The groin,” Sera echoed.

“There was no way in Hell I was letting her get her hands on this,” Much to Sera’s horror - but not surprise - Adam gestured towards his crotch in a downwards motion with both hands, spreading his legs apart for full effect. “Literally the goods that created all of humanity, and you think I’m going to let some tiny, psycho murder machine get her vicious hands on them? Not a fucking chance! Anyways, before she got the chance to manhandle me, I got to her first.” He crossed his arms again defiantly. “I tackled that bitch to the ground.”

“Adam…” Sera groaned, putting her face in her hands, her feathery, grey hair spilling around her face onto her pristine desk. “You do realise she wasn’t going to actually hit you, don’t you?”

“Sera, have you seen her in action? Like I know you’ve read all her boring reports and shit so you know her stats and whatever, but have you actually watched her tear a demon limb-from-limb? She’s like one of those animals that plays with their prey for fun before finally putting them out of their misery and killing them. She’s a bloodthirsty motherfucker. Tackling her - it was practically self-defence!”

“Self-defence is when you protect yourself after somebody attacks you first, Adam. Did she hit you at all before you decided to tackle her?”

“Well… no.” Adam admitted, fiddling with the sleeve of his robe. “I just have her figured out, and knew she would have used me as her personal punching bag.”

“Adam, I’m going to cut to the chase and be honest with you here.” An amber glow from the late afternoon sun now trickled into the room, and as Sera stood, drawing herself up to her full height, Adam couldn’t help but notice the reflection of the light flicker in her eyes. Creepy. “You need to figure out a way to work peacefully alongside your lieutenant. Fast.”

He eyed her wearily. “Why?”

What’s going on?

Sera narrowed her brows “I feel that over the years I’ve made it quite clear that I feel deeply conflicted about the yearly exterminations. Yes, it helps reduce the overpopulation problem in Hell, but given the falling numbers in recent years I can only conclude that your focus has shifted. When you pitched the idea to me, I was under the impression that it was a genuine attempt at population control. Now, it seems that it has become an excuse for you and the Exorcists to take a field trip to Hell once a year and slaughter demons for a little bit of fun. Then, when you return to Heaven, you throw a great, big, raging party and all you do for the next year is show up to work, until the next Extermination, where the cycle repeats.”

“O-kay… great story and all, but what’s that got to do with me getting along with Lute?”

“Everything. Lute’s training regime has been designed to dramatically improve stats, get back to basics and ensure we get the job done properly. If her plan is successful, and we bring Hell’s population back under control, I won’t have such a moral conflict with your yearly excursion because we’d be succeeding in what you initially proposed to do. If not…” She stared out the window, golden sunlight now illuminating her entire face in an eerie glow. “Then this upcoming Extermination Day will be the last. Which circles back to my point, Adam.” She looked him dead in the eye, holding his gaze. “If I cancel Extermination Day, you no longer have a job. Something to keep you occupied on a day-to-day basis. And I know you don’t do well with boredom.”HeH

Adam’s cheeks puffed as he exhaled deeply. Breaking eye contact with Sera, he ran a hand through his hair again. She was fucking strong-arming him. Either work with the most infuriating angel known to existence – well, second to Lucifer, or lose his job, the one stable, constant thing he’d had in his life for eons. The very job that he, up until mere moments ago, had been under the impression he’d been doing perfectly competently.

Turns out, he was a big, fat fucking failure and the future of said job rested on the tiny shoulders of his least favourite being in Heaven.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuck.

“Yeah, wow.” He muttered darkly, feeling his cheeks grow warmer with anger. “Cool. Way to make a guy feel valued after centuries – actually, no, millenniaof dedication, Sera.” The familiar sound of scraping metal filled the room as he signalled the end of the meeting. He reached down and grabbed his helmet, jamming it over his head and obscuring his face from view. Despite the electronic display, he felt a sense of relief that he now hid his glowering face from the view of his boss. “Does she know about this?”

“No. I’m not putting that pressure on her, she’s under enough stress as it is. I’d appreciate it if you didn’t mention this to her.” Her direct tone implied the matter wasn’t up for negotiation, either.

“Right. So you’re worried about stressing her out, but you’re happy to pull the rug out from under my feet. Got it.” He let out a hollow laugh. Fuck, he’d really slipped down the pecking order in a short matter of weeks. All because of that infuriating, antagonistic, mouthy little bitch.

“This isn’t a decision I’ve made lightly, Adam,” Sera said gently, “In fac –”

“Forgive me,” he interrupted coldly, “For saying that I don’t really give a shit how you’ve made the decision. You’re not fucking forcing me out of a job, if it’s the last thing I do.” The yellow eyes of his mask paused to glare at her, wanting her to meet his eye. Needing her to understand that he wasn’t going to take this shit lying down. He was fucking Adam, for Christ’s sake. Didn’t that count for anything anymore?

She didn’t even have the decency to look him in the eye, instead choosing to gaze at a spot somewhere above his left shoulder, her features set in a blank poker face. He scoffed, shaking his head in disgust.

Pathetic.

“I’m out. See ya.” Turning his back, Adam strode quickly towards the office door, desperate to put as much distance between himself and his boss as possible before the shock of the situation wore off and the rage kicked in.

“Where are you going?” Sera called, worry evident in her voice. Adam paused as he pushed the door open, the handle clattering slightly as he tried to suppress the anger that was beginning to radiate through his body like the fire of a thousand suns.

“To find my fucking lieutenant and get her to play nice.”

***

Next time: we really do find out how Lute earned the nickname 'Dangertits'. She should also really remember the importance of locking her door...

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