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Be a friend to yourself
Often times we walk around with all the emotional scars & rules we used in the past to protect ourselves that we often play out the same behavior that make our abusers thrive. We cage ourselves in and make ourselves small. We forget to hold on to our power when our insecurities are triggered. We feel under attack when people express their own frustration towards us and impose their values without consideration upon us.
Prior to January my life has been defined by how many people like me and how proud my family was of me. Particularly my mum. But recent violent and traumatic events to which my mental health and right to safety, I realized, were last on my family's priorities I began to stand up for myself.
I limited my contact with toxic loved ones. I set clear boundaries and today I did something I should have done years ago. I became a friend to myself. I won't front and say it didn't feel foriegn and that I didn't question myself when I removed myself but I made a choice to walk away.
It started when I was accused of being inconsiderate and not cooking for the "whole family". Truth be told it wasn't my responsibility to cook for anybody. I had left the house after being told "I didn't to shit in the house" and noone came to my defense. Noone I stood by all my life stood up and said "hey that's a god damn lie". Instead they asked me to apologize and in the end I did. I cried and I spilt my resentment on the table only to be laughed at and I accepted a insincere apology and the typical band aid solution my folks offered me.
I came to a realization that I would never allow strangers to treat me with as much contempt as my family. I realized I had to stand up for me. So I left the place I called home for 5 years, the woman I called home ever since I was a child. I blocked numbers amd accounts and stepped into the big bad world I was conditioned to fear. I was conditioned to second guess and doubt myself. I was always accused of being inconsiderate or selfish and thought if only I could make everyone understand where I was coming from they would like me and everything would be happily ever after.
This never happened. I became judgmental, bitter and depressed. I began to care what people thought of me. I cared too much. I was always emotionally drained. My internal conversations became harsher and meaner and eventually I couldn't sleep even after physically removing myself from the household. My insecurities took over my head. Long story short I had to learn to forgive for my sanity. I accepted nothing was going to change and I took responsibility of what I would tolerate and who I would tolerate. I got my drive for life back basically overnight.
Today I returned to my mother's house for the 3rd weekend. I thought I would have a rest and grab a feed. But instead I was roped into getting on the internet and sending applications for an hour and later to cook food. I followed instructions as usual but when I cooked myself and tje ladies a quick meal I was accused of not cooking for everyone. I was meant to cook the rest of the chicken I had left behind. I was meant to. Meant to.
My gut kicked in at the time when I hadn't finished eating. As soon as I felt accused of something that wasn't my intent I packed my stuff amd walked out. I did not argue or justify myself. I walked/drove away. I was going to have my peace of mind.
I got sleep after 4 hrs and ate leftovers that day but I took my own hand and walked put the door like a friend to a friend in need.
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Plant Witch Aesthetic
I’m bored and doing moodboards..send a request if ya want a certain theme
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There is a certain level of informality you are afforded being the cleaner or janitor of any organisation.
Cleaning Lady
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NOTHING IS YOURS IF YOU CAN'T FIGHT TO KEEP IT.
Myself
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They want to know why you did it when you don't even know how it even happened.
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Kind monsters
I ran away in the in the afternoon. I convinced myself they'd let you be. I came back to be told you had to wipe your blood and piss off the walls. I left you in the darkness still apologizing. My heart tried to tear itself out of this vessel. I think it wanted to come find you. This blood moon had brought blood. I'm sorry my legs know only how to get me out of danger. I can't apologize. They tolds me you put your hands on your mother. Told me I should marry you now that you've defiled me. Told me you'd laugh behind my back if I didn't. But I know you when you're lying like you know me when I'm mad. I've felt you cry. I was meant to protect you.
You we're stand in the eye of the storm that night without me my love. I was a coward for all my talk my love. I hope you find better. I hope you learn to love her without boundaries. I hope you never go through this again. I hope you never lay your hands on her till the day she dies. I hope for you a better life then this mere existence. I hope my soul finds yours in another life and we can meet for the first time again.
They told me why you. I told them it was because you were you that I let you in. But I did not love you. I was too eager to pursue justice for myself I did not think of you.
My arms went numb before I convinced myself you were fine and fell asleep. Was that you fighting back or protecting yourself from these monsters.
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