dkskaoaalal

[dkskaoaalal]

It's really funny how earlier today when people were asking if I was doing anything for new years eve I was all kinda nervous but excited because "yeah, I'm actually going to go out for the first time in my life". Like it was going to be a huge step outside my comfort zone but then it became a whole thing and now I'm staying home. And what makes it so funny is that if I had just been invited to what's happening now from the beginning, I could have said no, felt left out but no more than usual, and done my own thing like I normally do. But because it started out by being my idea to go do something and slowly became more and more uncomfortable until I had to back out of my own plans I'm like. Kind of heartbroken and feeling like a failure and I'm so embarrassed by how little I can function. And now I can't stop telling myself that everyone who was involved and got involved is relieved because no one wanted me around anyway to begin with and it's nice that I was the one who backed out. And now I can't stop thinking that I'm just going to be alone forever and I'm like. Inherently unlovable lmao. Like I'm very aware that I got myself into this situation. I just wish I was able to handle it instead of quitting. I want to be wanted and likeable. I want to be enough. And I'm not and that's life. It just is what it is and I have to accept it as how things are. I need to focus on taking better care of myself and my home because it's all I have at the end of the day. If I'm going to be alone forever I need to learn to be better company to myself.

[dkskaoaalal]

I know I need to not be putting my image of myself into other people's hands, and I am kind of working on it and stuff. But damn. Feeling weird and like I'll never find love again lol. Whatever.

#doing a lot better than i was during like #any other time ive posted on this blog #antidepressants are a hell of a drug

[dkskaoaalal]

When a woman at work says something about being on a diet and you don't know a normal way to tell her that she is the most bangin chick in the building.

[dkskaoaalal]

Me, after a guy tells me he's not interested in dating, but would still like to become friends: haha ok that's totally fine :) are you circumcised?

[dkskaoaalal]

Once I get the last of my stuff back from you, I think I'm going to give up. It's a pretty miserable feeling being the only one in a relationship, and now friendship, putting in the effort and showing interest. It's a pretty miserable feeling to finally realize that it's a sign. I don't know how intentional it is, but it's clear you don't want me hanging around your life anymore. I wish you could have said it to my face. I wish I could have something to learn from. Instead it's a constant stream as I try to fall asleep at night, or any time I'm in the car, or take a shower, of what's wrong with me and trying to pick out which of these many things might be responsible for all of this. Maybe if I can guess right, I can fix it or change it and you'll love me again.

But why? Why am I so desperate for the love of someone who can't face me? I don't know if you just don't care about me and are waiting to stop hearing from me, or if you actually dislike me or hate me deep down and refuse to let me understand because you know and enjoy how much it makes me hurt. Either way though, I don't understand. I keep thinking that will help. I don't know if it will. I keep thinking once I know what it was that I said to you or did to you that at least I'll be able to sleep at night. But maybe I'll find another reason to hurt myself.

Once I get the rest of my stuff back from you, I think I'm going to give up. Regardless of how you feel about me, and what you say to me, your actions keep showing me that you either won't be affected by it, or it'll make your life easier and you happier. I'm sorry it took so long for me to accept. It would have been sooner if you could face me. If you could tell me to my face, or over the phone, or even over text, that you didn't want to hear from me again, you wouldn't. But I forgot that maybe this is part of it for you. Maybe hurting me makes you feel better. I still don't understand why.

But once I'm able to, I can start to remove you from my life. You've infected every part of it, and I see you everywhere and think about you all day. I dream about you. I can't control that. But I can change my passwords. I can change my emergency contacts. I might save the pictures of you. I still can't decide. I can make my own accounts and stop using yours. I can stop paying your phone bill. I can pray no one will ask about you. I can try to make another friend. Maybe more than one this time. Maybe over time, what you did to me won't hurt as much. Maybe I can get some sleep. Maybe I can quit drinking. At least not as much.

[dkskaoaalal]

I'm in a really bad place rn mentally/emotionally and idk how to get out and it's so frustrating lmao. Like I'm finally thinking that I don't want to feel this way (i mean, I never want to feel this way, but I had gotten into the habit of "letting myself feel my feelings" but honestly after doing that for months regarding this specifically, it may not be what's good for me anymore) and now it's like ok then what? If I'm not going to sit in these feelings until it's time to go to bed, then how to I make myself feel better? I literally don't know :s I'm so used to sleeping it off, but that doesn't seem like.. Useful. I've gotta be better to myself and learn how to make myself feel better. Sucks to be 26 and not know how to do that.

#i think im going to order some food #and masturbate #and take a nap #and wake up when i wake up #and maybe do some dishes? #i just miss him so much #and im feeling especially fucked up today #about how fast he moved on :) #i want to beat him up over it #but i know thats not fair #but also what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck #who does that and dares #to turn around and act the way he doea #and say he cares #i need to make some friends #:( #i have 0 energy though #thought about cutting myself two nights ago :3 #but didnt

[dkskaoaalal]

I'm so tired. I feel like I'm nothing to the one person in my life who was supposed to be there with me through everything. It's all over. It's still over. Nothing is changing, especially how I feel. It hurts so much every day. I'm so tired of feeling like this and idk how to change. The number of nights I end up crying thinking about us, and about you, and about your new life, and the future we don't have anymore and will never have. Wondering what I'm doing and why I bother. I do it for you, and sometimes I find some motivation to grow and heal from the fact that I'm here, so I may as well try to stop suffering. But when I'm up too late, I wonder why. You made me promise, and I did because I love you, but if you don't feel the same way, why am I trying?

Why couldn't you just talk to me? Why didn't you want to try to make things work? I know you tried, and things were hard for you, but I tried so hard to make them easier, and instead of working with me, you just quit. And now I'm the guilty one for making you try so hard for so long and not getting anything out of me and it looks like I never tried, but I asked you so much and so often to help me in specific ways that you just. Wouldn't. You wouldn't listen to what I needed, you just tried to help in your own way, which is something of course, but at a certain point, is it?

And now. I keep trying to ask for help, and you always say you'll be there for me, but you never text me back. I keep making an effort to make plans, only for you to cancel again and again. I'm so tired of being ignored and blown off for days at a time only for you to turn around and worry that I'm mad at you when I can't respond to the text you sent me two hours after I went to bed until noon because work was busy. I'm tired of feeling stupid. I keep trying to ask if you'll go to this movie with me, and you can't even tell me yes or no. Every time I bring it up you just stop texting me back until the subject changes. I know I should take a hint, but you always turn around and tell me not to put words in your mouth. How am I supposed to not do that when you won't speak to me? I have to make some sort of assumption.

I'm so tired of not knowing what to do and always always always being wrong and never getting an answer when I ask you for help and guidance on what to do. You keep hovering in my life, making me feel stupid and leading me along just to watch me trip and fall so you can pick me up and tell me how much you care before you go home and ignore me for another week. I know you don't know what you want, but it's clear that it's not me, so why keep doing this to me?

#i keep getting closer to my limit #i need help so baf #and now that i have health insurance and can #see someone again #work has me out of town 4.5/5 weekdays #do i see a doctor in the city im working out of? #not sure how i would when i work 10-8:30 #or 10:30-9 #ive been wanting a pet so bad #to help with the loneliness #but who knows how long ill be doing this for work? #and then winter will come #im so fucking scared for my first winter alone #i want to run away #but I cant do it on my own #i dont know what it would solve.

[dkskaoaalal]

It's genuinely pretty funny how suicidally depressed I will get over being lonely for someone who gets so quickly overwhelmed around people and just wants to be left the fuck alone 99% of the time. Like, I need sooooo much alone time and quiet and time to do my own thing in my own space or I will get so fucking irritable and cranky, and yet the worst depressive episodes in my life have all been the result of feeling alone.

#i need a cat lmao #have this looming fear of getting one though #and having it not care about me at all

[dkskaoaalal]

I need to get dicked down again :/

#i was going to horny post but uh #realized this is what it sounded like #so i just posted it

[dkskaoaalal]

Had a dream last night that a guy from middle school showed up in and we had a Moment and I've looked him up in the past so I knew he like, became a hot adult, but I looked him up again since I've been thinking about him all day and it's not like anything could/would ever happen, it's been like 12 years at least since I would have seen him last, and probably longer since we'd spoken, but yeah. Still very hot obviously, but also engaged lmao. Like I wasn't planning on trying to contact him regardless of what came up, but now I'm like :/ so all in all, pretty funny. But also, :s everyone is like, in love and has kids or is engaged or in long term relationships or married and shit. And yes i know 26 isn't even close to the end of my life, but I'm so so sad and just want love. Someone love me for the love of god.

[dkskaoaalal]

I think I'm being ghosted again and i get it happens. Especially when talking to people on/from dating apps. But this will be the 3rd time it's happened after the girl showed like, very clear interest in meeting up and hanging out :/ again, i get it that sometimes after one or two messages people will stop responding. I've done it. Not proud of it, but sometimes you're like, eh not as interested in someone as you thought initially and there's not much harm in not replying. I'd understand if the conversation wasn't going anywhere, or if there was a chance that I'd said something off-putting. But idk. There's something about someone saying "let's hang out sometime and hold hands :)" and when you say "ok :)" and then they say nothing back that has me ??:/ one of the girls responded after I tried to reach out and understand what happened and told me that she liked talking to me, but things started getting serious with someone else and she didn't know how to tell me. Sucks, but it was nice to know that was what it was. Idk. Just hate feeling like there's something wrong with me, or at the very least that I'm forgettable, but idk. I get that's just life. Like I said, I've done it before. But at least it was only just not responding to the 2nd message they sent me. Or if they clearly don't care. Why lead people on? Makes me feel like I'm an easy target for mean games.

#i was literally like two days away from #deleting this app and trying to take better care of my feelings #and then I match with someone super cute #and who really seems to like talking to me? #and wants to meet? #ok awesome #and then just like #sike

[dkskaoaalal]

Your face was the only face that ever stayed the same. Why does this seem so easy for you? Why don't you understand how much it hurts to be replaced? Why do I need to stop hurting? Why can't I stop? How am I ever going to find someone who's heart fits with mine again? Why wouldn't you let us get help? Why did you give up? What's so special about her that you would just drop five and a half years and IMMEDIATELY just dedicate yourself to her the way you'd never show me? You said you wouldn't still be here if you didn't care, but you're not here anymore. Why don't you care anymore? Why won't you tell me what I did wrong? How am I supposed to understand what went wrong when you refuse to tell me? How am I supposed to believe anything you say?

[dkskaoaalal]

I just need to die for a little while and come back. Or maybe just be loved and cared for idk. Tried so hard to be optimistic and that didnt work and why the fuck is my support my ex like jesus fucking christ i feel like shit 90% of the day. Why doesn't he love me? Why don't I deserve love? I've put so much of myself into him and it means nothing. He doesnt give a FUCK. He just takes and takes and takes and I keep giving because I love him so much but why will no one love me back? I know it can be hard but. Idk. Whatever.

#im so fucking done #back to wishing i was dead! #sick of feeling like this #but i guess thats what my life is lmao #really thought i could turn things around #but im so tired

[dkskaoaalal]

Oh spiralling :3c

Not like i havent before lol but here we go again! Which is so funny because you feel the manic episode come on and youre like oh at least im not depressed anymore! Maybe ill be able to get some shit done but it doesn't because your life is falling apart and doing the dishes means theyre ready to get packed up! Folding laundry and filing mail means you're ready to pack and move out and lose the love of your life and best friend and youre on the edge of the cliff about to just dive headfirst into loneliness and there's not a fucking thing you can do but try to survive.

[dkskaoaalal]

Really might be uhhh just about at my limit. Like my heart might just stop any day now lmao. Beyond fucking stressed 24/7 and i still need to do my taxes and a foot and a half of snow in the second half of April on top of all the shit I'm trying to deal with at home. I love to be lonely and alone and have no one to turn to to help me relax. I'm so tired and cant even sleep. And I've been so tired for days now and i just cannot find any energy.

Gonna try to take a nap and hope it doesn't get interrupted and that i wake up feeling different.

[dkskaoaalal]

When you're depressed as hell and you know you have to do something that might make you happy, especially since you can kind of relax and you actually kind of deserve to this week, but you really just can't and you're just laying there watching some show you've played in the background of your life literally over 20 times and going to bed early, especially for a weekend, and hating yourself because you just don't have the energy and you don't understand why and you just can't do anything you cant do anything. Just trapped in time and in your body and you care because you want a better life for yourself, but you know youre the only one who can do that for you but it's so much work that you can do later and its like. What did i do to deserve this? I know its just life. But i just. I'm surrounded by so much work and need to fix things but who cares? I know I'm beating a dead horse but who just throws away five and a half years without trying to save it? I know we tried but did we actually try? Why do you love her more? What has she done to deserve your love more after all our time together? How are you throwing everything away, our love and our friendship, for some woman? How am i supposed to believe it just happened? How the fuck am i supposed to believe you never cheated on me? Especially with the way things have gone this last year? So fucking sick of being treated like I'm nothing to you. But that just is what it is. It is what it was. So fine. Just wish we could have done this sooner and i could have stopped loving you by now and stopped thinking we had a chance. God the amount you've lead me on now is hilarious and makes me want to fucking kill myself. Do you see how pathetic i am and just thrive off of knowing you can do whatever you want to me? Or do you just not care at all and it makes no difference to you? Oh your life is so hard?:( truly cannot believe how selfish youve been. You really get mad at me for trying to share how much I'm hurting, and then expect me to give a fuck about your feelings? Get fucked.

[dkskaoaalal]

Wishing that a certain medical issue I discovered two years ago was killing me and my time was almost up if not already over and hadn't turned out to be nothing.

I could have died still thinking you loved me. But I guess since I can't stop being obsessed with you it's better this way because now we can grow apart until you don't care when you hear that I've died.

#such a bad place rn lmao #have to keep reminding myseld #that you said youd never forgive me if i #****** ******