egotisticalmachine

[egotisticalmachine]

i feel slightly insane (spoken on blog about personality disorder experience)

[egotisticalmachine]

they hate me for my narcissistic traits that they would love me for if i was a fictional character

[egotisticalmachine]

was about to write a whole fuckin self therapy post under a readmore and everything but then i saw my bed head in the mirror for the first time today and was like Damn Whos This Cutie Patootie Hehe like alright we get it... but i do look very cute today so i have that going for me

[egotisticalmachine]

^_^ : experiencing a deep connection with an EP and genuinely caring about their happiness, going out of my way to do things for them because i enjoy their joy, yayyy camaraderie

slowly turning to gaze upon the black fields and skies of the underworld behind me, heart pounding yet hollow, look of abject horror on face: oh my relationship with my last EP was pretty shallow and selfish compared to this wasnt it

#vent #like at this point im starting to doubt if that last one was even an EP #because at first we DID feel like equals #but by the end of things not so much!

[egotisticalmachine]

then again theres the mfs who are obsessed with spotting covert narcissists bc they think theyre being hunted for sport, but i also just have this hunch that. again being vague about the situation for privacy. i might get assumed to be incapable of aforementioned sporthunting because i am on a rung so far below other people now that theres tooootally no way i could possibly have a massive ego. because these people do not understand how NPD works in the slightest. all im saying is disabled bitches can be narcissists too oooooh watch out im gonna getchaaaa *still laying in bed at 1pm absolutely not "gonna getcha"*

#vent #npd ableism cw

[egotisticalmachine]

well folks i may have hit the point of no return on being clinically unable to be traditionally charismatic but at least i can always fall back on my awkward pathetic weirdo funnybitch airhead-whos-still-really-smart charms <3 and at least being so far off from the stereotype of a suave smooth talking narcissist means its easier to fly under the radar

#vent #sorta #not getting into the details for privacy so this is super vague i know

[egotisticalmachine]

totally forgot to post this

[egotisticalmachine]

accurate depiction of me

[egotisticalmachine]

im such a dumbass everything is fine between us literally what did i say

[egotisticalmachine]

one of the many flaws with the whole "narcissism is a spectrum and im only insulting narcissists who DONT have NPD not the ones who do, so im not ableist :)" is like... okay. so the options for the spectrum under that particular lens are

normal people* -> non disordered narcissists -> people with NPD; in which case having SOME narcissistic traits makes you evil and abusive (according to these people) and therefore fair game to villainize, but having enough traits to qualify for a diagnosis means that suddenly youre exempt from being villainized supposedly (we all know these people arent actually excluding pwNPD but lets play along)

normal people -> pwNPD -> non disordered narcissists; in which case somehow pwNPD all have Narcissism Lite and there are people out there with Ultra Narcissism, which would imply that there is a limit to how much narcissism you can have before psychiatrists decide "oh good heavens no diagnosis for this one"

normal people -> non disordered narcissists -> pwNPD -> OTHER non disordered narcissists; which does almost make the most sense when we consider the spectrum in less of a one dimensional linear way and more of a "narcissism presents differently for everyone" way, but then its literally just... is the only boundary deciding if a narcissist is valid to villainize or not, whether or not they meet the criteria for a diagnosis? and REALLY it combines the flaws of the first two bullet points because now we have narcissists who are evil because they arent as narcissistic as the mentally ill narcs AND we have these mysterious Super Powerful Mega Narcissists and somehow there are the motherfucks with personality disorders sat right in the middle of this mess, in a bubble of immunity that doesnt actually exist because this was all a thought experiment about an excuse that no one actually believes

(* using "normal people" in a tongue in cheek way here because idk if egotypical fits as an opposite to non disordered narcissists, and idk what other word to use lol)

to be clear i 100% agree you can have narcissistic traits without fitting the criteria for a diagnosis of NPD, but this is more about the way people use that as an excuse for their ableism because "oh well not all narcissists have a disorder so i can drag all narcissists under the bus lol"

#npd ableism cw #actually npd #actually narcissistic

[egotisticalmachine]

"wow ive been really well adjusted lately and feeling pretty close with people and stable in my interpersonal relationships and maybe falling in platonic love" eye twitch + glass shattering sfx

i know im gonna be perfectly fine and im just catastrophizing because im stressed and i have other people in my life who are making me feel less important and i have to have an important conversation with my EP about our friendship thats gonna leave me vulnerable when really i would rather NOT lmao. and the moment i hear back from them im gonna be like Phew! So Glad I Am Fine And Normal :) but at the moment i am just fucking sitting here wondering if i made a mistake trusting them and i KNOW IM BEING MENTALLY ILL. ultimately what im feeling in this moment and what i have been feeling is/has been a form of love and me being a little freak rn doesnt change that my behavior is driven very largely out of a desire for their own happiness

#vent

[egotisticalmachine]

"a narcissist's eyes will turn pure black" you mean like an adorable kitty cat?? an adorable kitty cat who saw a fun toy??

#npd ableism cw #really good post

[egotisticalmachine]

Let's settle this home boys.

#hivemind hivemind hivemind

[egotisticalmachine]

like i have a pattern of getting attached to / involved with people and developing this feeling of "they are so good and it just highlights how awful i am" and then realizing they were flawed and hurtful and worse than me all along and then i just detach and move along. but with this one... i dont have that feeling of having my flaws highlighted like that, they tell me im good and i believe them, their words stick with me and build me up in my day to day life and suddenly im in this place where i dont really feel like the monster im used to feeling like. im someone who makes someone very very happy. it comes very naturally to go out of my way to make them happy, not as a fawning behavior but because they just deserve to be happy and i love their joy. i dont know how i ended up here from where i was weeks or months ago

oh i get it now

[egotisticalmachine]

sorry im deliriously sleep deprived because i stayed up late talking to them but i think i sort of understand what its like when someone loves you in a certain way (not necessarily romantically but still intimately) and sees the good in you and makes you feel like you arent faking all that goodness. i think they make me selfless in a way other people arent as able to make me. i dont think our friendship is some idealistic perfect thing because neither of us are idealistically perfect but i think we both do have the good in us and the care for each other to navigate things. idk ive been really queer lately. im just really lucky i stumbled across them when i did

oh i get it now

[egotisticalmachine]

oh i get it now

[egotisticalmachine]

genuinely what do you do when you just suddenly have someone in your life who gives you like... a healthy amount of attention, takes you as you are, is a chill nice person, like what do you do with that. i think im so used to my interpersonal relationships being so Weird is the best way i know how to put it?? seriously do not know how to put it into words. but now whoopsie fucking doodle, ive slipped into this affectionate little friendship where i dont feel starved of attention, not being put on a pedestal, literally just a healthy middle ground. and its nice???? my ass was over here like "im never gonna understand how normal people connect with each other" and then immediately got into the most normal feeling friendship situationship thing uh ever. and i have ZERO clue how to process it but im kind of just rolling with it lmfao. like if this is someone who i can be comfortable enough with to let go of the social rankings and performing and all that stressful bullshit then ill take em. maybe the real treasure was the [garbled confused static] we found along the way