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esfielding-blog · 6 years

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No Matter the Speed

“It doesn’t matter how slowly you go—so long as you do not stop.” ~Confucius

You know, ever since I graduated college back in 1802 (lol), I’ve had this belief that I should be following the same path as my high school classmates and collegemates. For the last umpteen years, I have felt “lost” (from majoring in one thing, changing to another, and adding another) because I haven’t truly decided who I am or what I want to do. For most of my young life, I thought my path was to go in one direction; thusly, I prepared my brain, my academics, my life for that particular way of life. When it didn’t turn out that way, I have felt like I wasn’t sure WHAT I was supposed to do in or WITH my life. Then seeing friends starting careers (some lucrative), getting engaged/married, starting families, and here I was, per usual, sitting on the sidelines. Like I was waiting for a bus to pick me up and take me to my destination.

So over the years, I have considered various careers—medicine, psychology, law, business. I didn’t want to truly pigeon hole myself into a typical, lower-paying gender-typical occupation. Plus, I like challenges. But as I lack a lot of confidence in my abilities, I never could truly pinpoint what I would be good at, what would satisfy me, what I’d get enjoyment and fulfillment from. It often remained a mystery. And yet, I was pushing and pressuring myself to “make a decision quickly” because “time is passing you by!” I felt like I had to decide on SOMETHING, but WHAT?!

Well, recently, and almost quite comically, I “rediscovered” an area that I have circled back to almost as many times as I have changed my mind on industry. Prior to graduating from university, and getting close to earning my second bachelors (this one in psychology), I had learned of an area of study called Industrial & Organizational psychology. I knew I could NEVER be a counselor; the woes and troubles of another would eventually wear me down and break me. So, read up a little more about this particular field and realized it piqued my interest.

Although I had found a school that was one of the best for this field—Bowling Green State in Ohio—I chickened out because “I can’t take the GRE! I’ll surely fail!” So I passed on that field like an idiot. Instead, I graduated, went through paralegal school, prepared to go to L school, but NOT before getting my MBA.

Well, after earning my Masters, and having completely forgotten about I/O Psych, I was lost as to where I was going to take my business degree. Again, asking myself, WHAT am I actually good at? For a brief while I considered marketing. In my clubs at university, I was always the one doing the marketing/advertising (making flyers, contacting people, etc). Also at this time, I was getting into Nascar, so I thought, “HEY! Why not SPORTS MARKETING?!” So I enrolled in another masters program, this time for Sports Management and Administration (basically a sports MBA). I moved out to Charlotte, North Carolina, but to no avail. This is one industry that you REALLLLY need to “know someone who knows someone” and I didn’t. So once again I felt lost, confused, stressed, depressed…you name it.

At this time, ironically, I revisited the general concept of I/O psych—management consulting. How cool would that be to NOT run a company but tell those who do how to do it better?! LOL I got books, helped out a friend with his mobile app company, but still lacked the confidence. [Besides knowing that most management consultants work for Boston Consulting Group or Deloitte or some big name firm like that, because they went to a top-tier B school, something I didn’t.] So I thought, well this isn’t going to happen, either! Nothing I plan for tends to work out! How am I ever going to get on my feet and actually START living, start a career, not worry about finances. At this point, I had maxed out in student loans, which were starting to loom over my head. Like THAT didn’t add to my already stressed mood about life.

So I tried to figure out what else I could do. Since I couldn’t go back to school (no financial aid!), I KNEW I needed to utilize my business degree SOMEHOW. I was forcing myself, AGAIN, to figure this out, “JUST PICK SOMETHING, DAMNIT!”, but I had no clue. I KNEW I wasn’t good with numbers, so accounting, finance, and investment banking and stuff wasn’t for me. I liked marketing, but I honestly HATED the actual tediousness of the “research” aspect. At the time, I wasn’t into Human resources, primarily because I don’t like being interviewed, so I didn’t want to deal with interviewing someone else. (I know, stupid). So I was at a loss. HOW can I use my MBA?!

Enter Amazon. Yes, Amazon. The global monopolizing retail giant. (haha) I started working at a sortation center in Concord North Carolina in May 2016. My initial thought was, OMG I f**king hate this job. (It was PT, and the work was laborious.) But seeing all the different roles, learning all I could, I started seeing options that I had never considered before. While promotional opportunities haven’t presented themselves, a lightbulb started to shine for me. And lo and behold, it was something I had revisited various times in the past several years.

Enter Training and Development. This was the stepping stone for me. I started getting excited about creating, designing, implementing training programs. At Amazon, I had trained many fellow associates in various aspects of our warehouse—problem solve, sort slide, smalls, customer returns, etc. While I had always considered myself NOT “teacher quality” (and I don’t think I could teach younger humans), adult learning is different. So I began to consider this possibility. It legitimately piqued my interest. I have bought books, have been studying online courses. I even looked up T&D on Wikipedia (one of my go-to sites!) And surprise! T&D is a faction of Organization Development. And surprise AGAIN, Org Dev is a subfield of, wait for it, Industrial & Organizational Psychology. Imagine my astonishment that, YET AGAIN, I returned to what I SHOULD HAVE done after graduating from university.

So, I’ve been researching programs, and while I have no financial aid, there is one that I can make pretty reasonable monthly payments (I just need to find me a better job). Long story, short (too late for that!), I guess it goes to show that although we FEEL that we need to follow a set, ordered or sequential path in life—go to college, get a job/career, get married, have kids—we can’t give up on what we want in life. As long as we eventually get there, we should be proud of ourselves, proud of who we are, whom we’ve become, and how we got there. Each of us has a different path; we can’t compare ourselves and our possible evident “delays” to another’s. Our path is ours alone to travel. Sure we will make or have made mistakes. Certainly, we lost sight of our end game, but if we pay attention, we will see we will always be directed back to that “right” path eventually, as long as we keep trekking. Somehow, someway, we will get to where we are going, regardless of the speed of our journey.

#LifePath SlowAndSteady Career Lost University MBA OrganizationDevelopment IOPsych ManagementConsulting FindingYourself Choices

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esfielding-blog · 6 years

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Reputation

“Reputation is fragile.” How true that is. My entry for today in the “Our Daily Bread” booklet mentions that “once it’s damaged, it’s hard to restore.” I feel that is how my reputation at work has become: damaged. While I did not ‘damage’ it for power or prestige, it became tarnished, apparently, due to my wanting the management to remain true and honest. I am not a cheater; I do not kiss ass. I work hard and would like to be rewarded for such. I expect my managers to not lie, or play favourites, or go back on their word. Unfortunately, it seems that many at work do not understand what it means to have a “good name.”

A quote from Socrates: “The way to gain a good reputation is to endeavor to be what you desire to appear.” How hard is that to comprehend? But alas, my trying to be ‘good’ and represent what the company’s principles denote, I have gotten pounded in the ground time and time again, almost to the breaking point. There is no motivation for me to ‘work hard’ anymore. My reputation seems to have been ‘destroyed.’ I wish it weren’t so, because if I were a manager, I would not tolerate the actions and behaviours that many of my fellow associates and members of leadership have exhibited. Many act power-hungry and self-righteous. But “true value must be placed not in what we have but in who we are.” [Read: Proverbs 22:1]

Maybe if they wanted to be respected for having integrity, then maybe they should act like it, embody the characteristics of those with good reputations. Don’t punish those who want to be the same, who try to be good and make some of themselves, not through nefarious gains.

Sadly, due to my ‘reputation’ being sorely ‘damaged’, I seem to be unable to crawl out of the hole I’ve apparently dug the last two years. I am unable to get my managers to see me for what I am: hard-working, honest, dependable, trustworthy; someone who values respect and integrity. Sure I probably could have gone about things differently, but I am not one to usually sit back and let sh*t fly by me. I will stand up for myself. I will stand up for what is right. And despite having pretty much 100% of the management hating me or disapproving of me, I am not certain I would change a thing. It is NOT who I am. I will not change or be molded for anyone to suit their ideal image of me and who *I* should be. #SorryNotSorry

#Reputation Proverbs Integrity Honesty PowerHungry OurDailyBread

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esfielding-blog · 6 years

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I am NOT forgotten

Reading today's entry in "Our Daily Bread", it was something that I've often (okay frequently) struggled with: waiting for God.

I am, by no means, a greatly religious person, but over the past few months, I've been trying to find my way, so to speak, to having a better relationship with God, if not necessarily religion. (I occasionally go to the local Catholic church.) And by doing so, I’ve been attempting to read each day's entry in "What Would Jesus Do?" and even read my devotional bible (I'm a taaaaaad behind in that one!). My mom gave me this little 60-day sample book a few weeks back, so I decided to finally dive into that as well. It’s often ironic how, when opening the pages of a book such as this, that day’s passage or reading is so pertinent to current situations.

Waiting to have your prayers answered IS hard for the average human. I, myself, am a self-proclaimed impatient person. LOL Since the age of 5, I had my life planned out to the year. But in my junior year in college, things got messed up royally, and I’ve been struggling to find my way out of the ditch, feeling discouraged about life, where I was going, if I would ever find my place in the world. I recall years ago, a Garth Brooks’ song, “Unanswered Prayer” and thinking, oh man, yeah, maybe that’s why I feel like things I’ve wanted never panned out. God was saying, “Nah, this isn’t for you. I’ve got better plans for you.” But then weeks, months, years went by, and I forgot that song, or at least pushed it into the recesses of my brain, and reverted back to my usual thoughts of “Why hasn’t God answered my prayers?! Why do I keep wishing for something to happen, for someone to come into my life, and it never occurs? Why do I feel like I keep struggling to land on my feet, where so many friends and family have things come so easily to them?” And then I get angry and disheartened that maybe, just maybe, God forgot me. Thus, falling into that trap of being an impatient human again and thinking, well then, I’ll just make it happen myself if GOD won’t! How foolish we can be, eh?

Recently, I thought that an answer of mine was coming to fruition. I had met this really great guy a year ago, and he was perfectly imperfect in every way to me. I saw myself FINALLY having a partner in crime on this life’s journey. I hadn’t planned on falling in love with him, but I did. He had been the best thing for me. He made life and my current circumstances bearable. I felt calm and happy around him, but I was greatly foolish to think that he had felt the same. He lacked in honesty with me, making me have false hope. All in all, I had to give up on him. And I’ve shed many tears, asking God, “WHY did you send him to me if he wasn’t the one?! Why did you let me fall in love with him if he wasn’t going to love me back the way I wanted him to? Why make me go through this incredible heartache (worse than I’ve ever felt my entire life) if he’s not meant to be in my life? Why does it feel like my soul is fractured and my heart shattered?” I reverted back to my “God forgot me” YET again, and began to think that maybe I’m just not meant to find the right one, meant to always be alone.

Reading this today, gave me renewed strength that all IS NOT lost. This man, whom I loved more than anyone in my life (besides my furbabies and some family members), apparently WASN’T the answer to my prayers, nor I his. But that’s not to say that those prayers will never be answered. That somewhere, maybe someone’s asking the same thing, wishing for someone to come along, too. I wish this guy had been, but who’s to say that things wouldn’t get rocky later on down the road, that he wouldn’t or couldn’t love me the way I wanted or needed him to. Maybe he also couldn’t fulfill me in the way I needed, and that God will send someone to me (or me to him) who can and WILL capture my heart and sooth my soul.

It’s been hard seeing high school and college friends landing awesome jobs, getting married, starting families, and I’m here sitting on the sidelines, waiting for my turn, you know like the last kid getting picked for a team in PE. That’s how I’ve felt for the last umpteen years since graduating high school. I just need to trust in God that He IS looking out for me, that we do deal with only what we can handle. I’m resilient. I’ll bounce back. It may take a way to heal, to lick my wounds, but I will. I’m too damn stubborn to be held back and give in, no matter HOW many times I’ve wanted to.

Whether it’s the love of my life or my pathway that’ll take me to the end of my days, I’ll figure things out. I’ve got God on my side. It IS hard to believe in something we don’t see, hear, feel. But how can we NOT believe in something greater than ourselves? Mankind is all too often egotistical to think that they’re at the top. Silly humans. Things work out as planned, usually. May not be tomorrow. Maybe not next week. But they’ll happen when they’re supposed to with God’s hands in it. Not to stay we can’t use our free will to somewhat direct ourselves towards that end game, but is it really us moving in that direction, or the hands of God pushing us towards and down the right path? Does it even really matter as long as we get there?

Pslam 13: Our soul waits for the Lord; he is our help and our shield.

God is worth waiting for; His time is always the best.

#FindingGod FindingReligion Pslam13 OurDailyBread Catholic Religion FindingLove InGodsTime Prayers Love WaitingForGod Life

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