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Virginia Woolf, from a letter to Vanessa Bell (August 1908)

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Being in a relationship but never being able to just take a step back from life and breathe because you always have to be on top of everything and can’t count on them to pick up the slack or see what needs to be done or take something off your plate is so mentally and emotionally draining. I’m officially checked out

#personal

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It’s weird to grow up in a family where you know you’re loved but you don’t feel loved. And then later in adulthood you understand how almost impossible it seems to cross that distance and let yourself experience closeness, how otherworldly love feels now and how love feels unbearable at times. You flinch when someone tries to wholeheartedly love you. And over and over you see so clearly how you cannot be loved unless it's from afar and love is mixed with that familiar sensation of distance and coldness.

#seeing this on Christmas while having these exact same thoughts earlier today I want to🔫🔫

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I just wish I didn’t have to live like this anymore.

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Being aware is insane sometimes. Like I was fully breaking down yesterday and still am today but it’s also the anniversary of when my pawpaw passed away so there’s a chance it’s just the trauma that is still stored in my body making me lose it but I still feeling like j*mping off this earth so🫠

#personal

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mentally a living corpse

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May Sarton, from "She Shall Be Called Woman", Selected Poems

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Hua Xi, from "Night Drive Through My Own Life"

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Why does everything have to be so damn hard all the time. I just want one fucking break

#personal

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Louise Glück, from “Mutable Earth”, Poems 1962-2012

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Getting emotional at seeing ANY soft sweet human interaction because it’s ages since you had that. Like god dammit why is it so hard for someone to just CARE. Am I really that bad?

#personal

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Here we go again

She yelled at me to turn the lamp off saying “will you turn the damn light off I already asked you earlier” so what do I do? I turn it off… NOW it’s a problem that I turned it off. She was “doing something” and decided to yell at me again for even turning jt off… then why ask me to turn it off? She stated I “should have known she was doing something” and not turned it off .. ok

So naturally now I’m fucking upset because what the hell??? She turns to try and touch me and I move away to lay on my side. She takes her hand away and takes my blanket with her IMMEDIATELY starts yelling at me again because “I threw my blanket in her face”. She literally moved it ??? But no according to her she never even touched me she was on her back the whole time not doing anything and I purposely threw my blanket on her face????

I’m done at this point and just roll over and she asks for a kiss. No apology nothing. I ignore her and then tell her no. She screams at me gets up and turns the light on to yell at me some more and say how when she asks for a kiss I need to give her one. I explain why stating everything above and she still continues to make it all my fault and defend herself.

Like what in the actual FUCK

#personal