feed-me-romance

[feed-me-romance]

Lukewarm-Hearted Golden Retriever

Back in the pre-Covid times, the death-flu struck me hard, and I wasn't able to leave my bed. We're talking bronchitis, strep throat and upper respiratory infection all mixed together kind of death-flu. I had my trusty Kindle beside me for company, and somehow stumbled onto the Sinners of Saint series by LJ Shen. I devoured the first book, and the promise of three more in the series gave me the will to live and kick the death-flu for good. Yeah, it's true: LJ Shen saved my life.

Since then, her books have always moved to the top of my pile on release date. I will drop anything else I'm reading and quickly read her newest offering. The Sinners of Saint series expanded, and she's written several other trilogies, including the Cruel Castaways series (which my latest offering is part of).

LJ crafts cold, stoic alpha-males and quirky, strong-willed females who are able to tame these alphas. It's really every woman's fantasy: turn the Beast into a handsome prince who loves you. Copy-paste-repeat: I eat these books up like candy. It does not get better than a fresh LJ Shen book, a quiet house, and a can of grapefruit Spindrift. Swoon...

Coldhearted Casanova was just released on April 9th, and finishes the Cruel Castaways series. You don't need to read the other two in the series; the title refers to the three men (Christian, Arsene and Riggs) who all met at the Andrew Dexter Academy, and bonded over their absentee families.

Coldhearted Casanova opens with our fair heroine Daphne (Duffy) eating digestive biscuits, watching Love is Blind, and sobbing over her boyfriend taking a six month vacation to India. Duffy is big mad because she's in New York City on a visa about to expire, and thought her rich boyfriend was going to propose, solving her visa problem forever. No dice.

As if things couldn't get worse, Duffy gets a call from her Miranda Priestly-level boss asking her to buy and drop off birthday presents for her daughter that night. Duffy pulls some strings, buys out FAO Schwartz and shows up at her boss's house to drop off the gifts. She gets more than she bargained for when she walks in on her boss banging a hottie who is most definitely not her husband.

Riggs Bates, the hottie in question, is described as "Brad Pitt and Chris Hemsworth's love child." He's the owner of sharp cheekbones and jawline, pomegranate red, pouty, well-proportioned lips, a sculpted bod, and a tattoo that hints at his love of mountain climbing. Meanwhile, Duffy describes herself as a Kate Middleton type. Boring, but it's got potential.

Duffy's boss is having a meltdown over Dufy finding them in a compromising position, and she offers Duffy anything she wants to keep their secret. Duffy is a shrewd girl, so she asks Riggs to marry her for a green card.

Riggs is a nature photographer and secret heir to a $1.3 billion dollar fashion empire. But Riggs doesn't really advertise this: he dresses like a hobo, couch surfs and doesn't pay to use the subway. Initially he's not into Duffy's offer. But when his boss tells him he needs to go to Alaska for a long-term assignment, Riggs agrees to the marriage. Alaska triggers Riggs for reasons that will later become clear.

So, Riggs moves into Duffy's small apartment and shenanigans ensue. Duffy is up-tight (we're talking nothing in the fridge but salads and labeled bottles of dressing) and Riggs is more free-spirited. OF COURSE they're immediately attracted to each other and even play a game of, "I'll show you mine if you show me yours." But Riggs thinks Duffy is a gold-digger and doesn't want to catch feelings. He's convinced she'll end up with her ex-boyfriend once he's back from India.

Our girl isn't a gold-digger, she just grew up poor and kids made fun of her. So, she wants a comfortable life where she never has to stress about money ever again. I feel that in my soul. I firmly believe money doesn't solve all of life's problems, but it sure does make life a lot easier and a lot more fun.

Eventually they fall into bed together, but keep telling each other they're just getting it out of their systems. Before you can say friends-to-lovers- they catch feelings. Riggs takes Duffy back to London to see her family and meet her brother, and he gets a better understanding of who she is, and falls in love with her and her purple-hued eyes even more.

Misunderstandings and chaos abound, and eventually Riggs and Duffy admit they have feelings for each other and their marriage becomes more than just a technicality. Say it with me... awww...

There's a whole sub-plot about Duffy's neighbor, who ends up being Riggs's dad he never knew about. That jumped the shark for me a bit. But it explained that Riggs's mother was killed in Alaska, which explains his aversion to the state. Of course Duffy makes him strong enough to eventually go to Alaska and face his demons.

Honestly? This book was just okay. The sex scenes were mediocre, Riggs is a Peter Pan man-child with more money than sense, and wasn't all that coldhearted, and a B- at best Casanova. The definition of Casanova is, "a man notorious for seducing women." Riggs doesn't really seduce women; it's more that they fall on his penis because he's undeniably hot. The best part of the book was Riggs and Duffy's banter, which I thoroughly enjoyed.

This was 2 peppers on the spice scale: think Shishido pepper level spice. I'd recommend the other two books in this trilogy, this one just fell flat for me. I like my alpha men colder and more unapproachable. Riggs was like a golden retriever... no bite at all.

Until next time, Feed Me Romance and Tell Me I'm Pretty.

#lj shen #cold hearted casanova #cruel castaways #romance novels #sinners of saint #devil wears prada #alpha males #kate middleton

[feed-me-romance]

We Need More Joan.

I'm stuck in bed with a torn meniscus and back spasms. All I've done over the past two days is read, and watch Bravo television. For those wondering, Vanderpump Villa is absolute magic, and I am still hoping to come back as Lisa Vanderpump in my next life.

All this time spent in bed allowed me to finish the first book from The Brown Paper Bag of Smut: Velvet Song by Jude Deveraux. This is the third book in a series, all of which have Velvet in the title. It was published in 1983, and the paperback copy I have was a whopping $2.95. Man, inflation is a bitch.

Velvet Song is set in the very specific, "South of England" in 1502. Right off the bat I'm going to tell you I'm not a historian, and the only history I know anything about (much to my mother's delight and pure bafflement) is revolutionary China, because it was the only subject that interested me in college. If you're looking for historical accuracy, I doubt Jude Deveraux novels are your wheelhouse.

Now that we got that out of the way, our heroine is the Taylor Swift of the 1500's. Alyxandria Blackett has no curves to speak of, lavender eyes (it's always lavender), hair of every color, and mad troubadour skills. She's out in the woods one day with her cittern, writing songs and making music when she's accosted by Pagnell, the soon-to-be Earl of Waldenham. Alyx kicks him in the balls, and takes off. Pagnell is livid, so he retaliates by killing Alyx's father and starting her house on fire. He also puts wanted posters all over town, accusing Alyx of treason, witchcraft and thievery. So typical, am I right?

Pagnell is universally hated, and the town feels bad for Alyx; so they disguise her as a boy and send her off into the woods to live with a band of outlaws. Now, this is where the book goes full Mulan. Since Alyx has no curves to speak of (something she curses God for every chance she gets), it's easy to disguise her once her hair of many colors is cut off.

Of course the leader of the band of outlaws is our heartthrob: Raine Montgomery. Raine takes Alyx on as his squire, and it immediately becomes an enemies-to-lovers situation. With plenty of weird homo-erotic behavior thrown in for good measure. Raine declares he's going to, "whip some order into the men." Guys... this is where Disney got the "Make a Man Out of You" inspo for Mulan. I'm TELLING YOU. Jude girl, I hope you're receiving some residuals.

One of Alyx's squire duties is to wash Raine's armor. She's down by the river, casually washing away when a really hot guy shows up. I thought this might turn into a love triangle, but no dice. Jocelin has too much trauma from his last relationship. Instead, he and Alyx (remember, she's supposed to be a guy) have a very intimate singing scene.

Later on, Raine gets hurt in battle, loses a ton of blood, and of course it's the perfect moment for him and Alyx to bang it out. Oh, I'm sorry. It's when, "his maleness touched her womanliness." I will say, I love the fact Alyx has no shame or guilt over their tryst. We love us a sexually positive queen!

Once Raine recovers, he finally admits he knows Alyx was a female (honestly, she did a terrible job disguising it), they admit they love each other, and they proceed to have sex on the forest floor. And on horseback, which sounds very uncomfortable and damn near impossible to do.

Lest you think this is just a romance novel, some "historical" stuff happens too. Raine's sister is kidnapped by the rival Chatsworth family; she is raped and then commits suicide. Raine is furious and wants to go avenge his sister. Meanwhile back at camp, Blanche the jealous camp vixen sets Alyx up and makes it look like she's been stealing from the settlers. Raine agrees to take Alyx and leave camp. But Alyx knows this is a horrible idea, so she and Joselin pretend to make out, Raine sees them, and banishes them from the camp, only to stay behind himself.

Fast forward four months, and of course Alyx is pregnant. I would love to know if they conceived the baby during their horseback romp, but we'll never know. She and Joselin are traveling around as a musical duo, and they end up at a castle where they meet Elizabeth Chatsworth; one of the reviled Chatsworth family members who is actually very nice, and protects Alyx when the dreaded Pagnell shows up.

Just as Pagnell is about to get his revenge on Alyx, Raine arrives. He rescues Alyx, they quickly get married, and he takes her back to his family's land. Of course Raine's family all loves Alyx, and they head off to the market where Raine buys Alyx all kinds of furs and cloth for dresses. It's like Pretty Woman of the 1500's.

While at the market, Alyx gets pulled aside by Roger Chatsworth. He wants to know what happened to Elizabeth, and is worried about her because he heard she was sent off to live with Raine's brother Miles. Raine sees Alyx talking to Roger, and loses his shit. He heads back to the woods, and leaves her with his brother and sister-in-law.

While he's pouting in the woods, Alyx gives birth to his daughter, Catherine. But even the birth of his daughter isn't enough to draw him out of the woods. So, Alyx takes matters into her own hands, leaves baby Catherine with Raine's family and heads into the woods to get her man back. She takes Joan, the maid, with her.

Y'all. This is where the story really got interesting.

Before Alyx leaves for the woods, her sister-in-law warns her about Joan, and tells her she, "sometimes forgets her station." This is 1500's speak for, "Joan is a sexually liberated woman." Once they get to camp, Joan proceeds to have sex with four different men. At the same time. Alyx is both impressed, and curious about the logistics. Raine is mad, because Joan's magic vagina tired his men out to the point they can't even lift a sword.

I need a Joan standalone novel. How did she become the tamer of four men at one time? What's her backstory? How did she end up as a maid for the Montgomery women when she's obviously capable of so much more? We need more Joan.

Raine is still so mad about Alyx talking to Roger Chatsworth, there's a requisite spanking and make up sex scene. Meanwhile, Brian Chatsworth shows up at the camp and asks for refuge. Not long after, Roger shows up looking for a fight. Brian drugs Raine, takes his armor, and tries to fight Roger. It doesn't go well, and he ends up dead. Alyx and Joan nurse Raine back to health again.

Alyx goes back to the castle where Raine's brother and sister-in-law convince her to go talk to the King on Raine's behalf and get him pardoned. Alyx knows Raine is going to be pissed, but does it anyway so their family can be reunited. The King agrees to pardon Raine, and allow Elizabeth and Miles to marry. Alyx... brokering peace after generations of strife. We love her.

Raine is mad, and still won't come home. So, Alyx packs up baby Catherine and sends her off into the woods to live with her father. It's like split custody before that was even a thing. Of course Raine falls in love with the baby, returns home, and they all live happily ever after.

This was a promising start into The Brown Bag of Smut, and I'm resisting the urge to get the rest of the Velvet novels to see if there are any more details about Joan. But this queen deserves her own novel. The Velvet Touch? The Velvet Maid? Drop your suggestions below.

I give this one 2 peppers on the spice scale. Mild heat, but nothing outrageous.

Until next time... feed me romance and tell me I'm pretty.

#lisa vanderpump #vanderpump villa #mulan #pretty woman #jude deveraux #velvet song #romance novels #historical romance #romance books

[feed-me-romance]

Feed Me Romance's Origin Story

This past Christmas, I was giddy with delight when I was gifted a grocery bag full of romance novels. We're talking full on 1980's mass-market paperback novels with Fabio on the cover and slightly suggestive titles. GIDDY, I tell you.

I posted a picture of my gift onto the socials, and I was immediately flooded with all kinds of friends talking about the first time they got their hands on a romance novel. Almost every person talked about their grandma, which warmed my heart.

My sweet Grandma Lorraine was the first one to introduce me to romance novels. Lorraine loved herself a Danielle Steel novel. She'd re-check the same ones out of the library and read them over and over again, waiting for a new one to be released every six months or so. I always tried to suggest other book or authors, but Lorraine resisted. "I like the steamy parts!" she once confided in me. The first Danielle Steel I got my hands on was No Greater Love, which was catnip to eleven year old girls, because it was about the Titanic. This was well before Jack and Rose, but the Titanic has always belonged to middle and high school girls for some elusive reason.

No Greater Love was my gateway novel. In between Stephen King novels (it was the 90's. No one cared enough to police children's reading), I'd pick up Star or Daddy, or Kaleidoscope. The fact I can still remember the names of these books, but can't remember when my kid needs to go to the dentist should tell you something. I loved these books because the women were always stunningly beautiful, men couldn't stop staring at them, and despite a brief and predictable hardship, these women usually went on to live happily ever after. To a skinny kid with big glasses and pants that never fit right, I couldn't wait to become a woman men couldn't stop staring at. Spoiler: it never happened. But that's okay, I've survived being the snarky girl men can't stop laughing with.

But that's why we read these books! When 50 Shades of Grey first came out, I was a tired mom and wife, grinding in an unfulfilling job that required me to visit at least one jail or state correctional facility a week. I hated my life. I escaped into 50 Shades dreaming about how amazing it would be to have a man take care of all my life decisions: everything from my clothes to my car to my career. A man like Christian Grey sounded like an absolute dream. Now, at forty-three if I were to meet a man like Christian, I'd take out a TRO. Bitch, leave me alone and let me live my life!! But sometimes those books hit us at the right time and provide just the right level of fantasy. It's all about the fantasy and the escape.

Several months have gone by, and the bag of books has a layer of dust on it. Last night I plucked the first book out of the bag, and I'm reading it. This will be the place I review these ridiculous books (as well as some contemporary favorites), and create a community for romance readers (closet or not). So hit the follow button, and stay tuned for some cheesy escape.

#romance novels #50 shades of gray #50 shades trilogy #50 shades darker #danielle steel #no greater love