feminaferitas

[feminaferitas]

Wiskayok was her town. From soccer team captain and class queen marrying her high school sweetheart to the resident socialite leading the alumnae association and practically captaining the PTA, Jacqueline Taylor-Sadecki had always been a beacon of what Wiskayok had to offer the world. Of course, Wiskayok was also her entire world, given how reluctant she had been to leave following the crash and what followed. So for anyone to surprise her with anything in Wiskayok was almost impossible.

And yet, here Shauna was. After several decades of declined (she could safely assume, not like there was ever a formal RSVP from this one) invitations to the reunion, the person who was once her world was now back in her town. And somehow she still made Jackie feel like she was the one out of place (a relic of a time gone by, très vintage).

The ensuing nostalgia was bittersweet and brutal. Jackie wanted to be mad at her -- for showing up unannounced. For doing whatever she clearly did with her car that made Jackie crash, because no, she wouldn't accept responsibility for that one. It was almost too easy. But no, she wasn't one of Shauna's books -- she refused to be read so plainly, fretted between idle fingers and put back on the shelf when she was finished or bored. (That's how she treated them, right?)

"I'm fine," she said pronouncedly, almost annoyed that Shauna would remember her arm. Of course she did. It was one of the few things Jackie tried to hide from everyone -- the pain, the memories, the deadened nerves. She could smile through the ache just fine, and practically no one had heard that part of her story. But Shauna knew, and even her dead nerves could still make that connection, that sensation, in her presence. She sighed, somewhat defeated.

"...the last thing Jeff and I need right now is the premium going up. But it's not like you're exactly going to recommend me a local auto body shop. So what did you have in mind?"

If anything, there's a petty part of Shauna that's comforted by the fact that Jackie looks as thrown off as she feels, just for a second, before the perfect little mask slides back into place. She watches as Jackie rebuilds herself in the moment, replying with a weak retort that only makes Shauna's lips twitch upward. But she's not trying to be deliberately cruel, despite what it might seem like.

For a moment, she weighs her options between maintaining the space between them or stepping closer. She's honestly not certain that Jackie wouldn't try to take a swing at her (which she would deserve). Shauna doesn't miss the way Jackie's fingers fuss with her hair, a familiar action that sends a tight pang rocketing through her chest. "Didn't think I'd ever be back here," Shauna replies with a shrug.

That had always been the silent agreement in her mind. Jackie could have Wiskayok, Shauna could have Providence and anywhere else, and that was that. Like partners carving up assets after a divorce. It was a convenient lie for Shauna to tell herself. She paid for her mother to come visit her, instead of making the dreaded trip back to New Jersey. Yet, despite not having been back to the town in nearly ten years, the familiarity is just as haunting as if it were a cabin in the woods.

Her eyes flick over to the damage sustained by both of their cars. Liz (named appropriately after one Ms. Phair) is a sturdy little hatchback, and the dent left behind by Jackie's minivan adds a little charm to the blemishes left over the years. However, it doesn't look like the family vehicle was as fortunate. "I'm okay, looks like my car is too. Yours..." she gives a sympathetic wince. "What about you, how's your-" Shauna's eyes zero in on Jackie's arm for a moment before looking away altogether. "We don't have to get insurance involved if you don't want."

#werechampions #continued from: #silencedrage #werechampions shauna #werechampions shauna 01 #v: tragic and boring and insecure #threads: jackie #eaternalyouth #Adult!Jackie AU #//have i mentioned how obsessed i am with this damn thread

[feminaferitas]

//ooc; hey all! just another little pulse of life here -- just checking in to thank you for your patience with me. I'm absolutely drowning in outside work right now (and it's all writing so I have to pace my energy very carefully) and I'm a little depressed.

just kind of trying to get through the days and hit my deadlines, so I haven't had any time or energy to be here. but I want to come back soon! I'm going to try to take some days off soon to balance out the craziness.

I'm still on discord, even if im not quite keeping up there as well as I hoped to be either. but if you wanna chat, just say hey <3 i miss yall!

#ooc; out of the cabin #//sorry it's not a terribly eventful update #//i said yes to too many things and am too stubborn to give anything up #//but it's all big career moves so #//ah well. i'll get the muse back soon im sure #//i didnt even finish my s2 rewatch so i need to dive back into that emotional hell haha

[feminaferitas]

//ooc; schedule's still a bit hectic so im gonna be working on queueing up drafts for the foreseeable future - but I wanted to say when I'm back up to speed, I'm moving Van and Callie off testing and onto my official muse list. however! callie will be a secondary muse, van will be tertiary/by request, and misty quigley might be getting bumped down to tertiary/by request as well

#ooc; out of the cabin #//this doesn't REALLY mean much but tertiaries will require plotting or at least a good OOC vibe and i will prioritize jackie/shauna stuff #//as well as nat/callie level stuff

[feminaferitas]

1.5K CELEBRATION

Jackieshauna for @deadpoets ❤︎

#gif #gifs #visions: jackie #visions: shauna #eaternalyouth #survivher #//it's a jackieshauna kinda day #v: though i walk through the valley #{ it's queue and me against the world }

[feminaferitas]

Shauna allowed herself to be pulled, climbing up onto the bed and taking some pleasure in the way she sunk into the plush mattress. Comfort wasn't one of the cardinal experiences of her existence, but this felt like stealing a small moment of simplicity with Jackie.

Still, the psychopomp couldn't disguise the amusement and confusion in her face when the living girl changed subjects so suddenly. She liked seeing Jackie with a glimmer in her eye -- so often, the people she spoke to lacked that. Age, emotion, finality could do that to a person.

"What?"

The question escaped her with a bit of a laugh, making the entity actually seem closer to the age she appeared to be for the first time in a while. Shauna's brows knit closer together as something occurred to her --

"You do know I don't always look like this, right? I mean... no, I've never had a 'makeover'... I've seen what people do at funeral parlors to prepare the body, but..." she shrugged. She knew the answer, but had to add, "...why?"

Jackie, meanwhile, had no clue just how special a touch from Shauna's hand made her. She simply basked in the weight of it, the comforting familiarity it brought - safer than even her own mother's touch had ever felt, despite coming from a being that should, by all rational lines of thought, completely terrify her.

But Shauna wasn't scary. Not really. Not to her.

To want something and fear it at the same time... Did it make sense? Was there more out there than just Rutgers that it could explain? Swallowing heavily, Jackie did her best to push away sudden thoughts of lips softer and gentler than Jeff's, of her own body still and cold. She clung desperately to Shauna's next words instead: You don't have to have all the reasons figured out.

So figure it out she wouldn't. Not tonight. "Yeah, of course it is," Jackie said, tugging insistently on Shauna's hand in an effort to get her to sit down beside her. "Right. Rutgers is boring, anyway - I know something totally better we can do." Smile growing conspiratorial, Jackie nearly bounced on the bed as she turned to face Shauna fully. "I know you've seen, like, unspeakable shit I can never imagine and whatever, but... have you ever gotten a makeover?"

#ashesrebirthed #ashesrebirthed jackie #ashesrebirthed jackie 02 #threads: shauna #v: it isn't evil/just hungry #survivher #{ it's queue and me against the world }

[feminaferitas]

"Yeah, so lucky," she grunted, wincing as one twinge of her knuckle stretched the blistered skin beyond its current limits. Jackie didn't know what lucky was, anymore. Not really.

Was it not dying in the crash? Because look where that got them. Was it still being alive after everything? Because this wasn't a life worth living. Hell, she didn't even know if she and Shauna were still friends -- she wanted to be, so desperately, but the brunette's words had her reconsidering everything from the last few years, wondering how much resentment was lurking in the dark corners of every party, every sleepover, every word and waking moment.

But Jackie was defeated. She needed people, she needed validation or at the least, a sign that she wasn't so utterly, abjectly alone. And Mari being here wasn't the worst thing that could be happening. Jackie was already tired of crying quietly to herself, holding all these feelings and fears inside like she was the only one struggling out here. Her gaze dropped, as did the bandages. Jackie sighed heavily and tilted her head to the side, silently asking Mari to sit with her.

"I don't know if I can do this much longer," she admitted. Not about the wraps, the recovery of her injuries, but about all of it. But what choice did Jackie have, really? She held up her hands, hesitant to even look at the intensity of her wounds. "Why would you even want to help me? Lottie should have just... left me to die. It would have been easier for everyone..."

even mari could admit that it was like whiplash the way that things changed between them. for the longest time she had spent so long trying to get jackie's attention. she would have said that she wanted to be exactly like her. to now? mari wouldn't want to be in her shoes. for so many reasons.

she did feel bad. about what she said. it weighed on her mind like a constant loop. but she was stubborn, which was a total fatal flaw. neither of them wanted to talk about it, not really. she was aware that everyone was keeping their distance in general, it wasn't like anyone wanted to admit that they'd been horrible to jackie. that was almost like vocalizing how everyone's morals had shifted since the crash - no one wanted to be the first to admit it. if they did, it wasn't like anything could change. not at this point.

yet, she can't help but scoff as jackie speaks, noticing how much she was actually struggling. it couldn't have been easy, obviously. but mari wasn't a bad person, she wasn't just going to walk away, even if the other woman denied help. "you're lucky i don't flip you off and walk away." she moved a bit closer, a sigh falling from her lips. "look. just let me help you. you're getting nowhere like this and i don't exactly see anyone else lining up."

#sadauroras #sadauroras mari #sadauroras mari 01 #v: though i walk through the valley #jackie survives au #threads: jackie #eaternalyouth #tw: frostbite #tw: suicidal thoughts #{ it's queue and me against the world }

[feminaferitas]

i am so normal about this image

#visions: shauna #visions: natalie #survivher #nirvanatalie #v: though i walk through the valley #//SHAUNA IS SO BABY??? #//this whole dream sequence wild as hell #//lottie girl please #{ it's queue and me against the world }

[feminaferitas]

Shauna knew what little she'd explained would never really be "enough" for Callie. But it had to be, for now. How could she even begin to explain all the pain and fear she'd experienced, the child she'd lost in the wilderness, and the way she was directly responsible for her best friend's death? Maybe some things would come in time, but not while her daughter was trying to pry them out with a crowbar and leverage about Adam Martin's death.

She didn't want to lose Callie too, but didn't know how to keep her close without exposing the worst pieces of herself.

Shauna put the knife down and reached for a tea towel to wipe her hands with, carefully studying her daughter's expression. Neither of them was exactly comfortable or good at having these sorts of conversations, however casual. And there was the phone again, putting the wide world in between her and Callie. She swallowed the sigh that she so desperately wanted to release.

"Oh, c'mon. It could be a great way to get some accidental studying in," she shrugged. Shauna knew Callie wasn't that passionate about her school work, but at least it was a better excuse than headed out to Ilana's for the fifth time this week. "Look, Cals, I... I planned for dinner to be the three of us. You don't have to stay and watch television, but can you at least sit with us and eat? It's pasta primavera, no meat."

Could this just be enough?

For what she'd been told, there's still plenty of questions in Callie's mind every time she looks at her parents. She's always known her family was screwed up, sure, that's been obvious enough for as long as she can remember, but she never could have imagined the sheer extent of it. That her mother was capable of killing someone, that her father was not only capable of covering up that death but also capable of trying to blackmail her mom's former teammates.

Which in itself came with more questions. Of what was apparently so bad that not only was it able to be used as blackmail but that her mother was willing to kill over. It made her sick when she thought about exactly what her parents were hiding from her.

There's a moment of pause as she's about to pass by the kitchen and hears her name. She stops, a deer in the headlights. Slowly, however, she makes her way into the kitchen. Tensing just a little more with each movement of the knife. Callie pulls out her phone, passively tapping to try and ease her own tension.

"Yeah, maybe. I got a lotta school stuff, so..." Not that she actually had that much intentions of studying, but it's an excuse, considering she didn't have any plans that night. An escape from this, if needed. Still, her eyes drift up, looking to gauge her mother's reaction.

#hivechose #hivechose callie #hivechose callie 01 #v: small town weirdos #threads: shauna #survivher #{ it's queue and me against the world }

[feminaferitas]

Callie was hesitant to sit with her mother, afraid of what might come next. She also felt increasingly uncomfortable with every brush of the jersey fabric against her skin, needing to get out of this relic of her mother's past, as if Jackie's vengeful ghost might actually start to haunt her more than the echoes of her already haunted the Sadecki family home.

But she did, because there was nowhere else she could go -- if she went to her room, her mom could just follow. And this was another rare instance of actually, maybe getting something out of the older woman that wasn't just a brush off and a "you're not ready for that". Against her better judgement, Callie sat next to Shauna and bowed her head in shame as her mother touched her back gently as if she hadn't desecrated something sacred that she didn't understand.

"You're right... I'm sorry, it was so stupid," she admitted, her words thick with emotion. Callie rubbed carelessly at her eyes, smearing the already hazy 'dead girl' makeup she'd done to complete the look. But her mom's admission was almost too much for her to process at once. She turned her head to look over, her own eyes wide and glistening, wondering if she really heard correctly that her own mother kind of didn't really want to love her.

"All I ever wanted... I just wanted to feel like maybe I wasn't some regret or mistake, living in your shadow," Callie hiccupped, a few tears shaking loose and rolling down her face. "I thought -- I thought this was your uniform and yeah, maybe... maybe I was a little mad. All my life I've lived in the shadow of your trauma. The daughter of a Yellowjacket, like some sort of... living dead girl. I didn't know this was Jackie's b-but... I hate that it took this happening for you to actually notice me."

I'm sorry. Callie barely tolerates Shauna, forty-some years and lifetimes more experiences written off with a scoff, eyeroll, and toss of her hair that is so painfully Jackie. Needless to say, Shauna was beginning to think 'sorry' wasn't in her daughter's vocabulary. At a loss for words, Shauna stammers, "I-It's--"

But it's not okay. It's irreparable. Callie took the last remaining untainted memory Shauna had of Jackie, and quite literally rubbed dirt in it. She lets out a deep sigh, a sigh that's sat inside her for twenty-five years, and sits on the step that Callie stands on. Patting the step, she says, "Sit with me."

She rests her hand on Callie's back, her fingers scratching up into Callie's neck and hair as she smiles sadly.

"I know you didn't know whose it was, but it's still a shi-- A bad thing to do. I had years of memories attached to that uniform before all of the bad. And now... Now it's gone." She let out a soft huff. "But you're right. I've... I've held you at arms length, and it's not fair. The truth is, I'm scared, honey. In a way that will never go away. Scared that if I love you, or your dad, something will happen to you guys. I know, that's silly, but it's something I can't help, and you can't either, and I'm so sorry."

#femmeraege #femmeraege shauna #femmeraege shauna 01 #threads: callie #sadeckoes #v: small town weirdos #{ it's queue and me against the world }

[feminaferitas]

Jackie had, many times in her life, been accused of being entirely too obsessed with herself. And it was easy to believe in the heat of an impulsive moment. Her mind saw the damage to the front of her car and immediately began to wonder how much it might cost, whether Jeff was bringing enough money in this month at the furniture store to cover this unforeseen expense. Though her parents still lived in Wiskayok, there was no way she was asking them for help with the repairs -- although her mother would be all too glad to deliver any assistance with a snide remark and another reminder just how deeply the elder Taylors still had their claws in her life.

But there was one person in her life -- for a time -- that Jackie always had in mind before herself. Whether or not she always showed it, Shauna had always been her priority, her best friend, a piece of her heart walking around with a whole private inner world Jackie couldn't do anything about. It'd been years, decades since they last spoke, but even if the world thought that Jackie Taylor only cared about herself, not a day went by where she wasn't wondering where Shauna Shipman had gone off to, what adventures she was having in the world outside of Wiskayok.

Which is why the moment she realized whose car she'd rear-ended, it was like a whole new round of whiplash. Jackie practically stumbled over her sensible wedge shoes, over her words. She puffed up her chest, expression caught between surprise and disbelief and a little bit of annoyance that the first thing out of Shauna's mouth was teasing at her expense. Jackie just wanted to pause the moment and take in all of her best friend -- the brown eyes, the secretive smirk, her outward curves disguising sharp edges that could cut anyone who got too close...

"Well, actually I got promoted to carpool queen while you've been gone, so..." It wasn't a particularly strong comeback, but Shauna had always been the writer, the quick wit. Jackie's left arm began to have a pins and needles sensation, as if the cold of the wilderness followed the woman. She ran her hand through her hair, trying to dispel the nerves. "I... I didn't expect to ever see you back in town, Shauna."

But the reunion was marred by a reminder that Jackie's front bumper was hanging on by a thread. She sighed.

"I guess this is the part where I have to ask for your number... guessing you changed it a while ago. Did you... are you hurt?"

It's amazing how much baggage a place can hold. Even as she drives past the town's sign welcoming visitors, it's like an invisible weight settles on Shauna's shoulders. There's no other way to really describe it, and it's also why she generally stays away from Wiskayok if she can help it. It's been at least 8 years since Deb passed away, and Shauna sold off the house that she'd grown up in and shoved the rest of her mother's belongings into storage. There was too much else to deal with at the time, or maybe just stubborn denial that Shauna was well and truly alone in this world.

She's able to spend eight years in blissful ignorance, with the occasional intrusions in the form of reunion invitations signed by New Jersey's own Jacqueline Sadecki. Shauna has yet to make an appearance at any of these joyous festivities, but it doesn't stop her from keeping each invitation in a battered shoebox alongside the journals she smuggled out of the Wilderness.

If she'd had her way, she wouldn't be planning to attend this one either. What makes 25 years different than 15 or 20? The outcome is the same, with the staring and the horribly unsubtle prying. Shauna had enough of that in high school even before the crash, and she needs none of it now. But that damn postcard that got sent to her P.O. box in Boston, with the appearance of that annoying reporter, makes things a little too close for comfort. So Shauna makes the drive up from Boston and ends up booking a room at the singular motel in town, wondering where to even fucking start.

She's sure that by now, news of her arrival would have made the rounds among the housewives, or it would soon, and Shauna almost wishes she could see Jackie's face when she hears, if only for a little comedic relief to the utter shitshow their lives have turned out to be.

As Shauna drives around the town, taking note of all of the changes, and even more of the things that have stayed the same. It was one of the main reasons she had needed to get out of Wiskayok in the first place. Everything in her life had changed and it felt strange to stay in the town where things were still the same despite the horrors they'd seen.

Her thoughts are interrupted by the sound of crunching metal, and she jerks forward slightly in her seat as the minivan behind her clearly missed the fact that the whole line of cars had stopped. "Oh you've got to be kidding," Shauna grumbles as she pulls off to the side and pulls out her phone and wallet.

She makes it two steps out of the car when she's nearly bowled over by a wave a familiarity so strong that it takes her a moment to catch herself. Twenty-five years, and yet Jackie seemed exactly the same as the girl she'd left behind. Brown eyes flit between the perfectly coiffed hair, the minivan with the door hanging open behind her, and Shauna can't help the way her lips twist up in amusement. "Damn Jackie, you'd think you'd have learned to drive in the last two decades. Then again, you always did take the term 'passenger princess' a little too literally." Shauna tilts her head as she faces the one person she's been avoiding for more than half her life. Now that she's confronted with the moment, the confidence she's built over the years quickly bleeds away, and she feels eighteen years old again.

"Hey Jax."

#silencedrage shauna #silencedrage #silencedrage shauna 02 #threads: jackie #eaternalyouth #Adult!Jackie AU #v: tragic and boring and insecure #//fdjlkds i love this verse so much #//jackie's being kinda gay? file those feelings away for later

[feminaferitas]

Despite the invitation, Jackie wondered if it was better not to open the door. Natalie being here put her in such a strange position, a real Schrodinger's cat of her past trauma. Until she opened the door, all the progress she'd made to move past Wiskayok was alive and dead at the same time. But opening the door put her face to face with that girl again, the past come alive and all pretense dead, beyond saving. Still, it was Natalie, and Natalie needed someone -- maybe that someone was Lottie, maybe it was the purple-clad community, or maybe it was someone who just didn't exist anymore.

Despite everything, Jackie wanted to see her with her own two eyes.

She tried to assume the class queen persona, team captain, anything that might make her feel like she had more of a handle on the situation than she really did. But Jackie hadn't been that girl in decades, so she closed the door quietly behind her and just crossed her arms with a bit of a smirk lilting on her lips. "Yeah? Nice... purple."

Yeah, nice one, Taylor.

"I don't know if anyone mentioned... I work here, for Lottie. Legal advising," she offered, as if this was a quick recap of the last twenty-five years of separation. Her cheeks warmed, uncomfortable and so badly wishing they were doing this over brunch instead of in a compound cabin-turned-kidnapping quarters. "I don't do the whole community thing, if you're worried about me spying or anything..."

Jackie had so many questions -- mostly about why Natalie would want to or even try to kill herself. Some about how she's been. How bad the drugs got. Has anyone heard from Shauna. But she noticed how small Nat was trying to make herself, Nat who had never been shy about her anger, her passion, her tireless need to protect the team. Natalie, who was practically their hero, if there was any goodness to be claimed from the wreckage of their trauma. Jackie settled for what she hoped was an easier question.

"How are you, Natalie?"

if the running narrative in natalie's head were projected into the public sphere:‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎people would be amazed at the obscenities that are rolling in circles‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎(some words that people may not have even heard or knew was something that people could say).‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎sitting within this room,‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎floor to ceiling wood,‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎she feels like a complete prisoner.‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎lottie's name alone was enough to make her feel suffocating set in–‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎with the constant purple coming in to check on her making things even worse.

this should've all been gone,‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎left behind where she belongs,‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎somewhere in the woods just rotting away into bones‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎&‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎fertilizer for the animals to feed off of.‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎there is nothing more than she feels she deserves:‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎even the exacerbated inhale of air that slips through her lips when she hears a voice,‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎that voice.‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎it takes her a second to process it,‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎furrowed brows‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎&‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎parted lips‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎&‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎her heart beat getting faster,‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎faster.‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎wasn't lottie enough?‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎(she can hear,‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎with every annunciation,‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎each twist of her tone that sinks through the door,‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎the remnant of words said to her once before‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎/‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎nat,‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ i love that you don't care what anybody thinks‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎/‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎&‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎yet here she is pulling the purple cardigan left for her over her shoulders to prepare herself for whatever it is that god damn jackie taylor thinks she's walking into).

"uh...‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎what the fuck...‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎jackie?"‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎the textile is pulled tighter,‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎closer,‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎clinging to the body she's trying desperately to hide.‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎maybe if she pulls tight enough then she'll disappear into the air,‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎she'll cease to exist,‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎she'll cease to have been.‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎"yeah the door's unlocked...‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎um,‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎come on in i guess."‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎when the door cracks,‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎natlie realizes she can't breathe.‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎she tries,‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎she wants to.‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎taissa was a support system‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎(as fucked as that was),‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎shauna was an underwhelming housewife,‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎but there before her was jackie in a way she never would have guessed.‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎"nice suit."

#down1979 #down1979 natalie #down1979 natalie 01 #threads: jackie #eaternalyouth #Adult!Jackie AU #tw: suicide mention #v: small town weirdos #{ it's queue and me against the world }

[feminaferitas]

#survivher #{ there's no book club? | crackpost } #visions: shauna #v: though i walk through the valley #v: small town weirdos #//shauna shipman you are the complex woman of all time #{ it's queue and me against the world }

[feminaferitas]

@vitaegratis sent: “fucking hell.” //idk I just miss writing with you 👉👈

The party had been broken up by the cops in the middle of an acid trip, but Natalie still had enough sense to know she could go to a neighbor -- one particular neighbor -- for some refuge. Her mom wouldn't really care that her daughter was out all night, so long as the girl wasn't truant at school the next day. And for the most part, Nat always made it to class eventually. She just needed a place to crash the night.

She was a little banged up from crashing through the back woods, pupils wide -- but she still figured Eddie wouldn't be a total dick to her in this state. Plus, he knew his way around different drugs. Though her expression remained dazed, Natalie was relieved when he opened the door.

"Look, man, I just need a place to crash for the night... cops busted the fun and I'm tripping right now."

#vitaegratis #vitaegratis 01 #v: i'm just a girl #threads: natalie #nirvanatalie #//quick background nat's a lovable traumatized burnout who does hard drugs and plays on the high school soccer team #//this is her teenage timeline circa 1996 but we can do whatever year we need #//she's from new jersey but this doesn't have to be set there if you don't want #//also hi i fucking forgot to check my inbox for WEEKS im sorry <3 #{ it's queue and me against the world }

[feminaferitas]

Jackie wore a relatively blank expression on her face, though her brows were pinched with thought and wide eyes focused on the gentleman who spoke up. Honestly, she didn't really know what a cryptid was and she wasn't sure if he was comparing her to a sea creature. But clearly he and Keiko were speaking the same language, and if it meant something about helping Jackie out of her unnatural predicament (within certain limits, of course), then on with the nerd speak.

"Oh-kaaay," she said, not entirely convinced. The girl folded her arms across her chest. "Yeah, thanks, Billy."

Jackie turned her focus back to her former classmate and kind of shrugged noncommittally. "Yeah. I mean, it was so rare that Shauna already had other plans when I wanted to hang out. Kind of hard to forget," she said casually. There was no hint of jealousy in her voice, just amusement. "Which is fine, y'know I was always back and forth with... Jeff."

She dropped his name quickly, as if it were sour on her tongue. Something about the thought of Jeff and Shauna now being married, now with a child... It dragged up the memories of reading Shauna's journals... did Keiko and her other classmates know? About the two of them behind her back? How much of high school had actually been a big joke at her expense? The overwhelming dread of it made her want to disappear, back into the walls and the whispers of the town -- but she couldn't just leave when she had a chance to make something better of her situation, could she?

"Hey, I mean it's not like I'm going anywhere fast, right? As long as it doesn't hurt, it's not exactly as if you could make me any more dead," she shrugged. "I guess it'd be nice to reconnect with a classmate... feel like I didn't miss out on everything."

"That… is probably a conversation whose details are best saved for another day," Keiko began, hesitantly. After all, how does one go about telling a ghost about titans? Should she even do so to begin with? "But think less classic supernatural, more, um…"

This time, it was Billy who swooped in when Keiko floundered. "It’s, uh, not so much the stuff of horror movies or urban legends that we usually chase after, more like - cryptids. Sort of. Have you ever seen those, those deep sea creatures that really look like they should be aliens, but they're not?" he asked Jackie, tucking his gadgets away haphazardly before stepping closer to them both. Keiko didn't miss the way Lee nearly moved to hold him back too, though he stopped himself short with a heavy, resigned sigh. "Well… there's a lot more out there than just sea creatures that are like that, too."

"Yes. Thank you, Billy." Keiko shook her head, half exasperated, half fond, before turning her attention back to Jackie.

Jackie, who promptly busted out a 'kids these days' line of her own, and Keiko couldn't help but laugh. It was the most Jackie had sounded like her actual chronological age all night long. In some respects, maybe ghosts weren't quite as stagnant as most thought. Still, she could only imagine how odd it must feel, being eighteen and thirty-two all at once like that.

"They do, in a way," she agreed, amusement lacing her tone. And that change had only gotten faster with the sharp pace technology increased at now - yet another thing Jackie would need introduction to, eventually, if she managed to stick around. Maybe Keiko would understand teenagers again in a decade or so, when Hiroshi inevitably picked up on at least some of it, but for now it wasn't her world any more either.

Something about the girl's emphasis on being useful didn't quite sit right with Keiko, but any possible protests died on her tongue at the mention of Shauna and their old experiments. "You remember those?" Jackie had only shown up a handful of times during them. In the wake of everything else that had happened to her since, those few stolen memories felt near insignificant in comparison. Then again, it was only Keiko who had been given the grace of time to grow up beyond them. "I suppose it is, in a sense. It's... sweet of you to want to help, thank you."

#ashesrebirthed #ashesrebirthed keiko #ashesrebirthed keiko 01 #v: jackie the real ghost #threads: jackie #eaternalyouth #{ it's queue and me against the world }

[feminaferitas]

salt slow / julia armfield

#gif #gifs #visions: jackie #visions: shauna #survivher #eaternalyouth #v: small town weirdos #v: though i walk through the valley

[feminaferitas]

This is what Shauna had been afraid of. Callie getting close enough to glimpse even a fraction of the horrible shit they'd resorted to out in the wilderness. After the girl was born, Shauna had actually been more afraid that loving her, being open with her baby girl, would make it harder to hide everything as she got older. But somehow, the harder she pushed, the more determined it made Callie to claw her way in.

She supposed it made sense, and even across generations, the determination of a teenage girl to get what she wanted in the end was unmatched. Shauna had been stubborn, cynical, and always certain she was the smartest in the room. But somewhere along the way, a shadow of something like fear clouded her judgement. For fuck's sake, Jeff had known about the journals for years now and she never suspected a thing. She thought she'd been so good about protecting her husband and daughter from her past... from herself. And then they stumbled into the whole thing -- or most of it, enough of it anyways -- anyways.

"Maybe I didn't -- but could you blame me? I mean, it's not exactly an easy thing to have to explain," Shauna said, defensive. For a moment, she saw just how much of Jackie ended up in her daughter somehow, like a cruel joke from the world... and she was reminded of the journals, the first time someone read her private musings. No, Shauna never wanted anyone to know anything about those inner urges, not Jackie, not Jeff, and certainly not Callie. "I'm not -- if anything, I should be mad at your father for bringing you there and letting you find the gun."

But it's a weak defense, especially when she knew how much Jeff was willing to take on for her, in spite of everything. Because somehow after everything, there might still be a chance Callie and her husband cared about her after everything she'd done.

"Friends is a... strong word," she sighed, running a hand down her face. Shauna's shoulders fell, knowing she had to explain something, or else this might drive an unfixable wedge between her and her daughter (because by some miracle that hadn't happened yet). "We... there was supposed to be a psych team. Lottie was -- is very sick and we thought..."

God, she can barely justify it to herself.

"When we were stranded... sometimes we would have delusions. We were all sick and starving, but Lottie needed some kind of medication and without it... sometimes she believed these kind of... animal sacrifices were a way to thank nature for allowing us to live," Shauna explained, her voice calculated. There was no way she would admit to the cannibalism, not here. But would any measure of the truth ever be enough for Callie?

"All of us together, I think it brought up bad memories. She -- we all sort of regressed. But we thought we were going to get Lottie help, until Tai called off the medics. I know that probably doesn't make any sense to you, but I don't know how else to explain it, Calie..."

Callie has been frustrated with her mother her entire life,  because no matter how hard she tried to figure her out,  it never felt like she could get anywhere,   like her mother had built a steel wall between the two of them that Callie would never be allowed in.   If she hadn’t put the pieces together herself,   she’s not sure she’d even be where she is now,  finally knowing something about her mother and her intentions—  but still,  just as lost,  even more after the sight she witnessed at Camp Green Pine.  

A day ago,  her biggest fear was being like her mother.   But now,  the idea of losing her mother seems to outweigh it,   a thought she never expected from herself,  because it was so much easier to resent her mom than to love her.  She knows now that wasn’t even true—  she does love her mother,  she was just always afraid that her mother didn’t love her,  too.

Lately,  as her frustrations grew,  she stopped holding back the questions she had,  even though they rarely went answered—   rather,  it always felt like she ended up even farther from her mother than ever.  But for once,  she doesn’t know where to begin,  doesn’t know the questions required to figure out what the hell she witnessed and what it meant for her mother.  She’d always been curious what really happened out there,  but despite her ability to be blunt and unrelenting when it came to her mother,  that was a question she never dared ask,  not all because she knew her mother wasn’t willing to answer,   but because a part of her was scared to know the truth,  too.  Now,  it feels vital,  like she can’t move on at all unless her mom gives her something.   She is so far away from the girl she once pretended to be,  giving in now to this familiarity she shares with her mom,  even if she can’t figure it out herself. 

She can feel her looking at her,  but she doesn’t dare look back.  Her body remains still,  her heart still beating fast,  her hands shaking at her side.  For once,  she wants her mother to give her something first,  rather than having to ask for it,  and yet,  she’s still surprised when she speaks.  Callie’s jaw clenches and she shakes her head,  still refusing to look back at her.  ❝  You never wanted me to know any of that, ❞   she corrects,  but her voice isn’t filled with the same bitterness it usually is.  It’s sad,  desperate for some kind of truth she imagines she’s still not going to get.   

Her eyes roll,  and she grows frustrated,  hands balling into fists as one lightly hits her thigh.   ❝  What would have happened if I wasn’t?   ❞    she says,  raising her voice now and daring to look back at her.   She doesn’t actually believe she saved her mother,  but she can’t shake it,  knowing it could have gone differently if she hadn’t shown up  (  and even though she had;   her mother’s right to worry,  anything could have happened to Callie,  putting herself on the line like that.  )   ❝  No.  You don't get to be mad at me for being there,  ❞  she says,  standing her ground because she is terrified of making any kind of progress getting to know her,  just for it to immediately fall apart again.  ❝  You could have fucking died.  And those people are your friends?  What the fuck,  Mom?   I know you don’t want to talk about what happened to you back then, but you have to give me something.  ❞

#itchose #itchose callie #itchose callie 01 #v: fate up against your will #//heyyyy signs of life #//im queuing up other replies but i wanted to pop something on the dash as proof im not dead #threads: shauna #survivher

[feminaferitas]

YELLOWJACKETS ⇢ 1x09 | DOOMCOMING

#gif #gifs #visions: lottie #visions: van #visions: taissa #visions: jackie #visions: shauna #eaternalyouth #streamingconsciousness #survivher #v: though i walk through the valley #//im still on a bit of a hiatus #//waiting til this weekend when i can start queuing stuff #//lmao mari going in for the kiss in the first gif guuuurl