flowingaura

[flowingaura]

Self doubt gets quieter as you heal.

It never completely goes away but your authentic voice and self confidence becomes louder and quiet the limiting thoughts and beliefs.

[flowingaura]

November 25, 2023

Good Morning,

It's currently 09:14AM on this beautiful Saturday morning. Celebrated Thanksgiving with Rex's Mom side of the family and Black Friday last night. My family didn't plan anything this year but that's okay I'm just glad we still have each other. As for Black Friday, Rex wanted to purchase noise cancelling headphones for himself but his generous heart extended that to me and for his brother. I didn't mind if it was a cheap one but he wanted to make sure I had quality. Thank you babe, I appreciate this gift and will take care of it. Love the fact that we got matching colors hehe, in honest truth we had matching emerald colored ones because what was left was white and black at Best Buy haha. But hey the color is just as beautiful as the sound generating from them when I turn it on; thank you as well BOSE.

I had some time to reflect again. I need to keep counting my Blessings so I'm not blinded from what I have. It's okay to want and need, just never be selfish even if you don't have enough. I'm blessed to have a roof over my head, food in my stomach, warmth covering my body, reasons to smile, heart to share my love and most importantly lungs Blessed and filled with the Breath of Life.

As I continue to immerse myself to my Life Path with the guidance from YHWH, God, Lord, Jesus Christ, my Angels, my Ancestors and my Spirit Guides.... I've seen more Light shining, praying more often and even openly with those surrounded by me.

I never stopped praying and even through I will continue to pray even when sometimes my words can't come out straight I know my heart is in the right place when I pray silently. I'm thankful all the way, I'm happy and want to be happier with my actions to taking care of myself such as my health and actions to be ambitious and prosperous.

I just know a lot of people love to spread hate and rumors on my name. That's not okay overall cause they're all corrupted with hate within themselves to spread that negativity. I've had my fare share of my outlets but my heart made sure I FORGIVE and still have LOVE!!! But most importantly know I'm Blessed and FORGIVEN by my LORD, YHWH. To be spiritually gifted has brought so much signs, opportunities, guidance, Love, blessings, warnings, etc.

I'm thankful for my family and Rex for being my rock within this big world. I'm so blessed, and I canNOT stop saying that haha cause that's how HAPPY I AM!!

Also, we got to go camping recently at Cuyamaca Green Valley Campgrounds in San Diego. It was the most healing I've had with nature, connecting with my Maker, out of touch with the technology world by being immersed with nature just like how our ancestors lived. I was able to learn how to cut wood, cook over a firepit, love the star-lit night sky, share laughter, stories and much more. I'm thankful for experiencing that with my bestfriends - Lorie, Keanu and Rex plus Matt for their birthdays and early Veterans Day celebration. There was so much more that happened but that's another story to share amongst each other.

Thank you for rescuing me. I love you -- all.

#spilled ink

[flowingaura]

September 20, 2023

So far it's been 7.5 years since I turned 30; let me share that it's n interesting age transition. Like for example compared to all my coworkers ages I'm out of 2 who's in the 30s, then half would be under 30 and the rest are over 30. I'm literally in the middle of everyone, friends and family too. What I've learned so far is that, age is definitely a number depending on the perspective and situation. In my case, I started to care more of my health since March with my wakeup call. Working out is only tiring when it's right after work but that post workout energy hits different!

Started working out because I had some results that had some red signs towards my kidneys, liver and pre-diabetic. I had to make that change, at first it was drastic and just focused on my forms and build more strength by adding more weights.

So basically I'm working out to become a powerlifter! Some ladies think doing that will make you bulky.... not really... only if you do certain workouts and meal prep a certain way to bulk. I'm already a plus size woman and I've gained more weight due to replacing the fat I had in my body to muscle gains. WOOHOOO!! I'm a lot happier with my upper body strength :') I still got my abs to work on the most but I'm very happy!

Also been working on my faith / spirituality as well. Thank you Lord for all your blessings and for waking up everyday with your breath of Life. May every person I encounter feel comfort, peace and love from me through you Lord. Amen!

#spilled ink #personal

[flowingaura]

May 27, 2023

“You saw value in him that he didn’t see for himself. He had to settle in what he saw in himself.”

Hearing this statement stood out the most. Suddenly I had a memory I thought I’d never had to think about after watching a Tik-Tok video that stumbled onto my For You page.. The title of the video was “If you’re wondering why men ruin relationships for someone who is not at your level, this is why.”

My very first relationship with Matthew. It was a beautiful relationship that grew to Dangerously in Love. We were very passionate with one another that we grew together during High School which turned into a fucking nightmare. 

It was so toxic to the point we wanted to leave each other but we were in love with each other. In hopes we can go back to what we started together. Toxic lovers that needed each other. 

I was trying to find love in someone to build my own version representation of love pouring out of me. My home life turned toxic, built up anger, heartbreaks, sacrifices etc when a household gets tough for my parents starting a new life in a new country finally together. At this very moment I admit I never thought of it in this perspective when it comes to my parents POV. It makes me feel guilty for being a spoiled brat this whole time due to the fact my trauma runs so deep within me that it’s just my walking actions repeating the parasitic behavior. 

Going back to my first relationship.. we both were jealous when other’s had our attention and protective of keeping potential threats from someone who may had interests in us. For a period we were a power couple to others until things slowly turned to the opposite. I was running away from my home because I hated being strapped down at home and do nothing. I was so adventurous and young... like every young teen goes through when they’re in love with someone giving and wanting from each other. My Air sign with his Fire sign, we endlessly fed each other in order for our elements to fuse into each other and burn. 

So young to the point we suffocated each other, close in contact but distant internally. At times it felt like a saw going back and forth unknowingly cutting through chains weighing us down. 

“I’d rather have you hurt me than see you go”

When he brought up about needing space I just knew it was his way of slowing breaking up. To me it’s either be with me or not at all, there was no pause in between. He stopped showing interest and I found out he was talking to other girls just to get over me. I battled with trusting others and I trusted him and all I did was give and I only asked just to be loved properly. I was addicted to the love he gave and I wanted more each time. I cried so much feeling like I didn’t matter or was respected enough for him to do that when I focused on myself, be around my friends more and didn’t have interest with other guys. It took some time accepting to move forward to be happy if he needed space for himself. 

I picked myself up realizing those around me stayed but respected my time with him. I felt like shit, realizing I was that shitty friend that left them because I was engulfed in my relationship. My grades slowly started to get better, I was enjoying my Junior year in High School and I started to meet new people such as my classmate who happened to be my middle school crush. HA, it was a nerve wrecking moment. Still heartbroken at the fact Matthew left me to talk to other girls which made me jealous but accepted he didn’t need me anymore. So i moved forward with my life. Peter and I started to talk, Matthew didn’t like that one bit.. 

The only reason we started to get close was because our Marine Biology teacher, Mr. Rueda, seated us together, next to each other. My heart was racing so fast and I’ve never felt this way before. Matt was popping in my head at times out of guilt thinking if I did anything with Peter or even had feelings, I’m just cheating.. but then got reminded he’s doing everything else with other girls and Peter was the only guy that shared he cared for me as a classmate, a friend and someone who has interest in me this whole time. He respected me enough to have boundaries, hugged me when I needed comfort, instead of crying outloud into my pillow, he would just hug me and let me cry into his chest and yelled. 

He embraced me because he was the only one to hear me cry for help inside. My grades started to get better because we studied together. I learned how to drive manually, tried things I’ve never experienced like learning a new culture, his love for animals, put others before him, family oriented, and in his words “I put my heart on both sleeves” “I know you’re running away from the hurt but let me be the reason your heart heals and everything else.” 

biiiitch my heart exploded, I slowly felt love healing me, my mind, body and soul. When I thought things were getting better for me, Matthew decides to catch up with me and he saw how happy I’ve become and looked healthier (lost weight). He started to cry because he said he messed up and he thought he was better off without me. In my point of view, the girls he was trying to talk to probably didn’t have interest in him or got tired of using him etc he was trying to get me back and I was so dumb to let him back in. Matthew hated himself but hated Peter more. He turned crazy stalking me, asking others to keep an eye on me at my high school, coming to Peter’s home with a bat ready to hurt both of us. I felt disturbed by this and he fucked with my mental stability. I thought I was the problem but he was too. 

There was so much lying, trust issues and instability. 

Did I lose someone who could have made my life better? Yes, but this was my journey and my lesson to go through on my own. I own up to my actions knowing we both were toxically in love with one another. I forgive you Matthew for hurting me and I hope you forgive me for hurting you too. We didn’t robbed each other of our youth, we were just teens falling in love for the first time and we just gave to each other the way we knew how to love. 

It was just hard for us to let go because of the “what ifs” “I could change” and the two words that we needed to hear. “I’m sorry.”

It was a beautiful relationship that led to a dangerous level.

#forgiveness #spilled ink

[flowingaura]

[flowingaura]

[flowingaura]

Eargasmic. If that’s ever a word haha. Just listening to this artist named Reagan Beem and him singing Sinking Slowly being the very first song made me feel like I’m floating in the water and really feeling each note punch my insides. Just a weird feeling to describe but it just feels right. The rush of the happy hormone,  Dopamine. 

#idk what the fuck i'm talking about but i just feel really fucking good!

[flowingaura]

August 04, 2022

Dear “No One,”

At 2:45AM, I ended up listening to Tori Kelly’s Dear No One. I had some flashbacks of when I was singing this song with my whole heart and soul, crying as I was manifesting for that ‘someone’ to be the one for me. At that age, I was and still am a hopeless romantic and so back then I was hoping for that person I really cared felt the same way.... they didn’t. So many heartbreaks.. It got to the point I would sing this song until I felt numb thinking and believing I won’t find him. My soulmate. My lover. My bestfriend. Ohhh how much love and heartaches I had when I was younger. Overtime you just get used to being hurt and suddenly just feel numb to everything. Until tonight, I searched her song up because of a BTS member being their favorite music artist. “Oh wow! I like her and that song too!” At first it was Paper Hearts, then Rocket and the moment I listened to Dear No One, it just triggered a trauma in me but as I continued to sing along I became grateful, genuinely grateful. This song, that I would sing my heart and soul after midnight during my teens, the manifestation is real. One of the best blessings I have so far. 

It was a song of how I started off as an independent woman just having a purpose in her life, while still figuring it all out. I truly wanted to share every moment I had with someone I could call my soulmate, who understands me as I understand him. So many heartaches so just a letter formed in a song for someone meant for me to read and be in my life unexpectedly. The best part is that our lives have always been intertwined since we were young kids. We just didn’t know. Until all of the connections started to spark. A small world it is when your soulmate from when we were kids was just a room next door. Knowing the same people. Our families working together back in the day. Meeting for the “first” time through mutual high school friends, again at a kickback and years later as I was celebrating my 25th birthday at the same bar/club. If you were to see it in a different point of view as a movie, this would be the perfect romance. 

So dear no one, no.. I mean.. 

Dear Rex, 

Thank you for hearing my love song after all these years. I love you so much. Just know I’ll always be good to you even when I get moody, angry, annoyed, and any other moods. I’ll always be good and love you even after my last living breath. 

#spilled ink

[flowingaura]

August 25, 2022

What is my purpose? 

Something that just hit me hard in the head during my last meeting. I have so much potential for a lot of things but lately I’ve noticed I love teaching! I had a hard time learning in school because of my traumas that caused a lot of anxiety, insomnia, ‘ADHD’ / ‘ADD’ symptoms, dyslexia and a few more. I enjoyed learning but it was hard during school. I wish there were schools that had special cases for someone like me back in the day, I believe that would helped me achieve my goals and have better support, knowledge and mental strength that I lacked during my teens. Here I am nearly 30, no shame whatsoever, I’m still moving forward learning, teaching and making a difference in my life and others. I just have to let go of things that I literally have no control. I think that’s my problem, I want to be in control at time or don’t trust others to get things done cause I want it done right away or a certain way. 

I’m unteaching and changing old habits to new ones. Out with the negative and in with the positive. 

[flowingaura]

Trust yourself. You’ve survived a lot, and you’ll survive whatever is coming.

[flowingaura]

April 17, 2022

I’ve always wanted to socialize and be accepted. Some just don’t get my vibe as I do with theirs but I’m okay with that cause I just don’t have to waste anymore energy on them but still be kind. I release all the negative thoughts that form and build up be covered with love and light. I am growing to be an amazing version of myself than I was during my times in school; elementary, middle school, high school and college/vocational. All the people I’ve met, I am thankful for each one cause I did learn through them. 

As I sit here reminiscing my time back in Rancho Cucamonga looking up at the stars late at night and the sea of lights of the city and cities from the distance as the car was parked at the bottom of one’s property (a mansion to be exact). I felt so at peace during those late hours with someone, sitting in silence at times looking up to see if we can see a shooting star. It was never about any gossip/drama, money, cars, or relationships. To me it was finding ‘PEACE’ & quiet from my world. Only lasting for a few hours it was worth it when I was dealing with my lows and drama at home. My insecurities got the best of me as well as my depression and anxiety. I was learning a lot about who I am, my likes and dislikes as well as love. 

Life is a trip, as long as I don’t have to go back.

#spilled ink

[flowingaura]

March 18, 2022

Love your fucking self to the core!! The moment you wake up and even while you’re dreaming, love your self! It’s easier said than done but let go of the fear. Let it all goooo! Once you do, what’s been holding you back due to trauma has caused a habit of fearing to hear people’s disapproval and other judgements. Just like when I was in elementary school, I was the talkative outgoing kind. The moment my aunt said, “You need to learn how to be quiet, you talk to much!” FUUUCK that shit hurt my feelings. Probably my first trauma to be honest.. at least as far as I can remember. I listened to their judgements and started to belittle myself into their liking or their comfort zone over mine. Over the years and will continue to learn how to love myself or love even more! 

#spilled ink

[flowingaura]

Despite how open, peaceful, and loving you attempt to be, people can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves.

Matt Kahn

[flowingaura]

March 17, 2022

It’s been a day since you’ve taken your last breath. I miss you Mango. I’m sorry if there were days were I was being mean out of my own bullshit, you still continued to love me if I yelled. God... I was a shitty person for a few years but you loved me anyways. 15 years... you’ve lived for that long and in dog years that about 105 years old. I’ve taken the passed couple years since covid happen for granted.. I’m so torn apart lowkey... So torn that my act of kindness towards you was all you needed to finally let go. You’ve been yearning for some attention and love when all of us have been busy with everything else.. I’m so sorry and I hope you forgive me for my own actions. Just know these tears are full of love. Just missing you dearly fucking sucks right now, it just feels different here at home. To come home and just caress you, telling you I love you and “it’s okay to let go, we’ll be alright and thank you for everything Mango..” I was able to see and feel how fucking happy you were when I petted you just like before, talked to you as if you could understand... now I believe that you did.. The next day you were still hanging in there but I had to go to work. When I got home, I can see you were waiting.. for me.... I just knew in that moment you wanted to be petted one last time. Oh my sweet Mango, it hurts me so much. I don’t think anyone else understands how I’m hurting, smiling laughing and coping all this loss at the same time. I’m just grateful you brought so much joy and plentiful of memories during tough times growing up, you are the true definition of ‘best friend’

I’ll forever love you, I do plan on getting a tattoo that will represent both you and Indio. May you both continue to relax in paradise, your doggy heaven. Visit us whenever you can and also in my dreams please.. I know Indio is sooooo happy you’re with him again, you two love birds. :’)

Despite the size of my heart and how it is physically shaped, it does not define how MUCH I love you!!! Amazing how so much love can be so infinite yet “contained” in an organ. 

#spilled ink

[flowingaura]

[flowingaura]

February 12, 2022

It’s about 01:49 AM and I should be sleeping right now but I feel calmly amazing. It’s been a looong and rough week, changes back and forth during work, yet somehow I stay strong and use my creative quick thinking to work. For others I get told I need to slow down and don’t overwhelm myself.. Yo that’s when I realized I’m so fucking OCD, I don’t let others do their shit or if I hear someone couldn’t complete something I have this “It’s okay, I got it or I’ll fix it” idea in my damn head. I guess it’s a positive thing but also fucking annoying! But anyways ever since January it’s been a fucking mountain to climb. Ever since I started I never expected myself to love my job this much but for me to impatiently wait for the weekend to arrive as of this week is when I know I went overboard with something. But anyways, I woke up this Friday morning just dreading the day cause I was waiting for my mom to arrive from work so I can drive her car. I was about to get to work late cause of all the traffic this morning.. I panicked for a minute then just didn’t care too much. Okay maybe a little. 

I was having a good morning at work since I actually did a meditation, had really good coffee AND had boba. Speaking of whiiiich, I had this burst of love for everyone and wanted to buy them boba! BOBA! I didn’t care for food, I actually wanted something to drink on this hot day. I offered to buy for my two coaches and supervisor. I was in such a good mood all of a sudden to do all of that! I realized that meditation really fucking helped a lot. Also actually being invited to spend time with my coworkers for the first time was exciting for me! I never in my life ever had that done. I was mostly working independently and now working at this job I’ve never been happier! Being able to spend time with them as just friends than just being friends in a “professional” way. Being our true selves, where profanity comes out and seeing that other side of you, ya’know? 

That word, “Boss” does give you a little tingle through your spine but being able to loosen up after your ‘boss’ showing you his 100% self. It just reminds you they’re fucking human too and feels the same way with someone higher above their pay grade. Anyways, it was a fun night! I felt like I was included without having to be forced to. All I ever wanted was friends, real friends. I hope we grow old together, be supportive all the way and never ever break apart. 

Genuine and loyal type of love.

[flowingaura]

February 05, 2022

How does it feel to get your cards read by your bestie’s mom.. Only because our spirit guides communicated with each other to let it happen respectfully? What are the chances?! We actually had a plan for me to visit them after work sometime next week but I guess we all didn’t have to wait. Instead of patiently waiting to do it at the right time and moment to reach them, they chose to come to us. I am mind b  l  o  w  n   by this LOL but anyways, just having that reading lifted a heavy weight and came back to realization I still have a purpose to pursue and not get too comfortable yet. I mean yes my life has gotten so much better but my higher intuition said “We’re not done yet.” Snapping back from a trance I need to continue to recollect myself and keep moving forward, fight the urge of breaking these habits once again. Also that one’s distractions should NEVER be a roadblock for you, I repeat NEVER for YOU! It’s their problem they need to carry not you adding more weight to your plate. FUCK THEM, of course be kind no matter fucking what but FUCK THEM either way if they have one ounce of fakeness in them to use you for their needs when they can handle it themselves. 

What I learned the hard way is that I have free will to do what it takes to be a greater person I knew I was going to be when I was younger, I just had a troubled youth and thought all that was “normal” hell to the fuck no lol. I’ve hurt others unintentionally and sometimes intentionally.. We all make mistakes and thankfully I’m learning from them still and proud of other mistakes I learned from to be who I am now. Plenty of jealousy in the world, plenty of hatred, plenty of everything but I’m so happy to hear my grandfather is who is protecting me. I know we aren’t able to hold one another like before to but being linked together in a spiritual way. Wow all this time he’s been protecting and connecting with me the most. 

Am I... the chosen one within this generation of our family to break and fix what hasn’t been finished? What ever it takes to make a difference in my pathway, I will lead with my head held high and make leaders out of every one who stand all around me. 

No matter what trauma and hurt there is between my mother and I, father and I, siblings and I, anyone else I let it all go. We are people who face our own troubles and handle situations differently, who am I to judge and feel a way about them when I need to only judge myself and lead with example. With any situation that makes me come back to these feelings and thoughts, I’ll remember to breathe and let go until it no longer disturbs my peace.

ALIGN YOURSELF

#spilled ink #align yourself