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flu5zn · 3 months

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⠀✼⠀⠀.⠀⠀⠀،،⠀PROLOGUE : BALANCE.

almost. it’s a big word for me. i feel it everywhere. almost home. almost happy. almost changed. almost, but not quite. not yet. soon, maybe.⠀┉⠀from, “Almost Home” by joan bauer.

&.⠀ʿʿ⠀CHARACTERS﹕DEVIN XIE feat. her family. &.⠀ʿʿ⠀WORD COUNT﹕1.7K &.⠀ʿʿ⠀WARNINGS﹕swearing, drugs, weird family dynamics, corey catches a stray. &.⠀ʿʿ⠀NOTES﹕gonna be doing a little prologue series as kind of a character study for each of the members to give insight into what they were doing before the band. as well as some of the things that shaped their choice to join the band.

Devin could never tell when her parents were angry with her. Whether it was because they were always angry with her or because she never cared enough to figure it out, she wasn't quite sure. She wasn't exactly the perfect daughter, that she can admit. But their perpetual disappointment in her never bothered her as much as they liked to think it did.

She had developed her brand of nonchalance pretty early on. Always the child who rolled her eyes while her parents gave important speeches to important people, always the child those same important people avoided making small talk with. By the time she was old enough to drive, Devin did her best to avoid those important speeches altogether. But if she couldn't, there was always a group of misfit nepo babies with plenty of substances that numbed her spirit in ways only designer drugs could. Getting high was often the only time she felt truly free. Outside of the watchful eyes of her older sisters, and their parents, and the scrutiny of her parents' high positions.

Inside her bubble of intoxication, a reality fabricated entirely for herself allowed her to pretend she was nobody for a few drugged moments. Devin was always at peace when she was within that paradise. Her breathing slowed, her pupils blown, her speech slowed with a smile that curved at the edges of lips that had yet to be touched by a surgeon. Her best friends, Corey and Genesis, called her selfish. Claiming the little care she had while sober disappeared as she immersed herself within her hazy world.

"Sometimes I start to care about you and wonder where you disappear to. Then, I remember who you are and I care less."

Jennifer always reminded Devin of a bitter old woman. Hardened by the burden of being the eldest daughter and the weight of perfection on her shoulders, it was no secret why Jennifer had always been such a hardass.

Devin's eyes rolled impossibly far at her sister's words. "If I wanted your sympathy I would've keeled over and put a bullet in my head by now. Fuck off, Jenn."

The two weren't close, they never got the chance to be. Equally stubborn, and equally stoic, the sisters were at odds from the moment Devin was born. As the story goes, four-year-old Jennifer was the first to make the very quiet baby Devin cry when her parents first took her home from the hospital.

It should be worth mentioning that Marilyn Xie was a known compulsive liar, a fact a very young Devin had been fed by her father, George, when her mother had still been a subject of her admiration.

It was interesting to see the two sisters interact. It wasn't that they hated each other. No— Jennifer thought Devin too resourceful to resent her, and Devin found Jennifer too resilient to be anything more than a nuisance. In all honesty, the sisters' relationship was complicated. Perhaps if they were born into a different family they would've been closer, perhaps not. Devin never cared much to ponder the possibility for too long. It gave her a headache to consider alternative timelines.

To Jennifer’s credit, however, she wasn't Evelyn.

"You're so fucking tense, go get laid and lighten up Chrissy."

Evelyn always made it a point to call Devin by her birth name. She held that power over her younger sister and dangled the name over her head, daring her to lash out. Devin never did lash out, she knew better than to be upset over anything Evelyn could come up with to insult her. No matter how low.

Evelyn was much too intelligent to be aloof or indifferent—no matter how much she tried to act it. Devin never quite understood the second eldest daughter and all the peculiarities of her behavior. Dubbed a "gifted" child before she could consistently perform long division, Evelyn was always "just enough". She was the planned second child, the smart one with the perfect arrangement of genes that gifted her a beauty that surpassed all of her siblings.

"My options are getting slim considering you've fucked half of Manhattan at this point."

Admittedly a gross exaggeration, Devin, and Evelyn ran in close circles. Only two classes above her younger sister, Evelyn had somehow managed to make connections with anyone remotely close to Devin. Her shadow remained large over Devin’s very existence, towering over her despite being nearly four inches shorter.

"Half of Manhatten thinks you’re a bitch anyways," with a huff Evelyn was off to god knows where. She did that often, as their parents liked to willfully ignore. For every pointed observation Jennifer made of Devin's habits, their parents constructed three more double standards to support their bias toward their two eldest daughters.

Evelyn never peeved Devin the way that Jennifer did. Devin knew better than to cross Evelyn who was much more resentful than Jennifer ever had the energy to be.

On the last occasion Devin had decided to test the grasp of Evelyn’s wrath, she had ended up with a headache. The kind of headache you only get when you witness your best friend, tiptoe across the edge of his father’s penthouse after experiencing his first heartbreak at the hands of your gorgeous older sister.

"Evelyn cheated on Corey because she’s a bitch and that’s just what she does. Not sure what that has to do with you." Stephanie had always been the most agreeable of Devin's four sisters.

The two weren't close by any meaning of the word. They simply tolerated each other enough to get along for an extended period. Finding a common enemy in Jennifer’s self-righteousness brought the girls together once Stephanie entered high school. Often locking themselves in Devin's room to smoke weed, the burn of grapefruit-scented candles mixing with the potent herb to create a smell that only meant trouble. It wasn’t lost on Devin that Stephanie would never go further than smoking. The fourth daughter leaned empty-handed against walls Devin and her friends would crouch next to when they snorted lines off tables. She’d pretend she didn’t see them, keeping guard at the door before some sleeve offered her a joint to keep her busy.

It was a mystery to Devin how Stephanie managed to fly under their parents' radar for this long when considering how defiant the fourth daughter's true nature was. Though she had considered it might be her cowardice that allowed her to coast by for so long, Devin was convinced she would snap at some point— she never did.

"It has everything to do with me. Corey's a whore, and Evelyn doesn't put enough effort into finding guys I don’t know, to fuck with." Devin sighs, smoke leaving her lips at the sound.

"Fuck this," Stephanie spat, almost mirroring the vengefulness of Evelyn’s nature.

Devin often noted the patterns of her elder sisters' behaviors that embedded themselves into Stephanie’s behavior. In all honesty, Stephanie didn't have much of a personality of her own. She was a copycat; doomed to comparisons and repetition. She was the fourth child born to their parents, the manifestation of an obsession with righting the ways they went wrong with Jennifer’s stoicism and Evelyn’s callousness and Devin’s nonchalance.

To their credit, it worked.

Devin never could get past Stephanie’s absence of a unique personality. She agreed with everything she said, grew angry when expected to, and suppressed every urge of rebellion Devin knew she was capable of in favor of the security of her trust fund.

Despite her faults, however, no one remotely bothered Devin the way Victoria did.

"Mom and Dad miss you. They're asking when you'll come to visit."

Poor, sweet Victoria Xie. The perfect culmination of George and Marilyn’s parental experiences—and fittingly, hated by all four of her elder sisters.

A perfectionist by both nature and nurture, Victoria could do no wrong. Devin was convinced her youngest sister was physically incapable of disappointing their parents. Though Jennifer praised the youngest for being everything Devin wasn't, even she knew Jennifer wouldn't miss hearing of Victoria's consistent perfection.

"Victoria, stop—"

Devin often found herself high-strung around the youngest Xie sister. Annoyed by her name itself before she ever got to hear her sing-songy Disney Princess tone.

"Christina, I said they miss you."

She often spoke through gritted teeth, holding back her words and reminding herself of her place within the family. She wasn't devoted enough, much less pampered enough by her parents to speak to Victoria the way she could the others. She had to coax herself back into the familiarity of carelessness before she could have any sort of conversation with Victoria.

She was much too sweet, much too often for Devin's comfort. And as Victoria grew older, Devin was sure she became aware of how much the middle child resented having to hold any sort of contact with her. Yet, if she felt any feelings at all for the way Devin avoided her, Victoria never showed it.

Of all four of Devin's sisters, Victoria was the only one who could ever get Devin to care. She liked to imagine her parents used this to their advantage. Drawing Devin out of her isolated existence on the other side of the world to get her to make appearances; an effort to keep up their reputation.

Of all four of Devin's sisters, Victoria remained the only one who could bend Devin to her every will and whim. Though they were frequently their parents' wills and whims, Devin knew better than to cross Victoria. She was much too perfect, too much of the time.

Devin could never compete with perfection.

"Tell them I'll make it for brunch next week."

Her manicured hands massaged her temples with her phone lodged between her right ear and her shoulder blade. Nursing at her headache gave her a moment of clarity, just in time to hear Victoria's response.

"Perfect," her tone perfectly bright. "I’ve already sent you the plane tickets, see you next week, Chrissy."

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