fluctuating-psyche

[fluctuating-psyche]

I feel alone

Frustrated

Defeated

Hopeless

I hate not having my own room

I hate being on edge

It really doesn’t feel like there’s a way around this and I’m so tired

I’m so fucking tired

I can’t even get on new medication until next month

I don’t know what to do

I thought I was supposed to come here

I thought after I came here I would be able to do what I’m trying to do

But that hasn’t been the case

I don’t even know which is worse, being here or being at my dad’s

At least here I have food

That’s it tho

I don’t know what else to do

[fluctuating-psyche]

The worst days here are when my mom is home, whether she’s off or working from home

She’s always talking to me or listening to some astrology shit or just being overall distracting and I hate it

I can’t even drink caffeine here cause she ends up making me irritable as fuck

[fluctuating-psyche]

I love her as a friend

And I have a small crush on her

But the two are not the same

[fluctuating-psyche]

Conflicted. I don’t even know what to say.

My mom is sleeping next me and her phone is playing some annoying ass pulsing sounds. Like how do you sleep with that 🤨🤨🤨

It’s so cramped and crowded here

And yet it’s still better than my grandma’s

Everything feels up in the air right now

I thought I was going to be able to make progress here but am I? I don’t know.

I don’t know

[fluctuating-psyche]

Waiting for the light to change, Oli Kellett

[fluctuating-psyche]

Real resilience requires you to step into the world and live . And make mistakes. And live. And make mistakes. And live. C’est la vie .

[fluctuating-psyche]

mike’s hard past couple of months

[fluctuating-psyche]

I feel weird but I don’t quite know what it is

I don’t understand what I’m supposed to learn here

How to be in tune with myself even with people in my face?

How to function when nothing is in its proper place?

I’ve only been here a few days so I can’t really judge the accuracy of my feelings or behavior

But right now idk what to do

I feel far away

Like I’m in limbo and time and space doesn’t exist

Like I know that I have things to do

I know I have responsibilities

But it doesn’t even occur to me to do them

I play fortnite and then the day is over and we start all over again

I guess I just don’t know what my normal is anymore

I guess I feel lost and I’m just going through the motions

I don’t know 🤷🏽‍♀️

[fluctuating-psyche]

Sometimes I’m already aware of my unfulfilled need and desire for love and safety and then other times I’m just sitting here, minding my business, and I see something on social or regular media that just slaps me in the face with a reminder of it and then I just have to *SIT* with it, unprompted

Like I didn’t ask to be feeling fucking needy at 6am on a Tuesday but here the fuck we are

I hate it here

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I’m tired of doing shit on my own and having to find the physical and emotional capacity within myself to get through shit.

I WANT TO BE SUPPORTED

Not conditionally, not with complexity

Just pure unadulterated SUPPORT

Honestly fuck you if you can’t give that to me at this point

Fuck you and get the fuck out of my way

[fluctuating-psyche]

It feels like no matter what I do or say, someone has a problem with it

Like, can I progress? Can I be great without you getting in my fucking way? The way I’m ready to cut all you mfs out

Fuck every single one of you AND your feelings

I’m done being a fucking people pleaser

[fluctuating-psyche]

The wayyyyyyy I be having crushes on all my new friends is a problem 😭 ESPECIALLY if I know they’re queer 🥲 like please be so fr

RELAX 🗣️

[fluctuating-psyche]

[sitting completely still in my own bed] this world is gutting me like a fish

[fluctuating-psyche]

I am up 👏🏽 set 👏🏽

I’m, like, in shock almost

But not quite because it’s you

I don’t even know what to say

You just disgust me and I really don’t fucking like you

If we weren’t related, I wouldn’t give you a second look

I don’t know how to process what I’m feeling right now

I’m so caught off guard

Fuck you, dude

FUCK YOU

[fluctuating-psyche]

Peter Brown (British b.1967), Christmas, Combe Park, 2019, Oil