forwhat-feltlike-a-lifetime

[forwhat-feltlike-a-lifetime]

I went back to school again and met someone I haven't seen in a decade.

The rooms were shared and a mixture of outside and inside. White walls and white tiles on the floor made the bedrooms seem like bathrooms and all students walked freely between them.

A huge hall with shelves which reached the ceiling was our first location. Art class — I put away at least three paintings of different sizes, completely exhausted.

The smallest amount of my dream actually took place in the classroom - I'm not sure if it started there, but after another class I went back to the living quarters.

During the first class I've actually been done with my hair and make-up; but I cried during the lesson and it erased everything. My hair fell out and so did my lashes - my tears washed off all my make-up as well. I felt hideous.

I remember I was very exhausted after one class and decided to skip the next. The students around me weren't hanging out. They were preparing for the next class and got ready in the sense of dressing up and sorting through their belongings - and so did I.

So taking the student train to the living quarters I was desperately trying to look through my bags and drawers and find things to fix it. I called off the next class when I noticed there was blood everywhere because the school stress had everyone on their period, and it got so worse that all the bathrooms and tiles were smeared in red. Everyone was on their edge.

Collecting my things and with at least five pills in my hand I met a guy I went to school with over 10 years ago. We've never been friends, but we've never been enemies either. My stress level decreased as we got talking. He asked me about the pills in my hand and I gave him all five.

He recognised them; "Where'd you manage to get those?“ — "Idk my doctor fills me up on these." , I replied.

He advised me to not take two of them, and we shared the rest. I felt immediately better.

I then teleported to a half roof and started painting the white brick walls with a translucent black paint - in my hand not a brush, but a black balloon; with the guy still accompanying me.

We missed the rest of our classes and I made the decision to never go to school again.

Now awake I wonder how he's been doing all those years.

#dream journal

[forwhat-feltlike-a-lifetime]

We had a multilevel house with a circular gigantic elevator in the middle and the elevator would control from the outside. I was travelling between floors, looking through the circular windows when I saw that hoards of people were looking inside as well. They began messing with the elevator and nearly killed my whole family - me inclusive.

Every floor had different features. There was a level covered in pool tiles, one built out of wood, multiple living spaces and some levels had floors with outside builds and streets.

I woke up to my room being completely cleaned out. All my belongings were gone and I started hyperventilating and screaming in terror. My family came to investigate, storming through the door. But when they saw me their worries turned to anger, saying I should stop screaming because they're selling the house and they would start with my room - with the crowd of people outside the windows still chanting and observing everything inside.

#dream journal

[forwhat-feltlike-a-lifetime]

This was the second or third time I've dreamt about this house.

It used to be my house. Two major bathrooms tinted in a soft pink and green, with black and white tiling on the floor. Multiple bathtubs and a lot of space in-between. At least two levels, one beautiful major staircase made out of dark wood and a hole in the wall leading to a third area. There was a dark secret lab, too. But she didn't use it.

Except this time, someone else lived there; a woman I didn't know. She let me walk around the house to see how it's changed under her ownership and it made me so sad. It looked nearly the same but as close as I got to anything familiar, it didn't belong to me. I actively stumbled around to see if anything was missing but as soon as I thought of a room to check, it appeared behind the next door - even if that wasn't its original place.

At one point I viewed the house from the outside, in the search of the tower from my memories - but it changed place without permission to do so. My whole spectrum of feelings held itself in a mourning scene throughout the whole dream.

It's a recurring nightmare to stumble through a home that is unreachable now, even though it belonged to me.

#dream journal

[forwhat-feltlike-a-lifetime]

Matter spread out,

starts making sense.

Matter that once

was so very dense.

Furious pressure

was all she got,

Furious pressure,

until she popped.

"Travel my children,

for connected are we.

Form wonders of worlds,

for thy children to see."

#dream poem #dreamtalk #dream diary

[forwhat-feltlike-a-lifetime]

They sold the house you made me live in together with you.

We decorated our sides with each other again; but it wasn't created out of love — but desperation. I couldn't fight the facts and I remember the clear thunder in my thoughts. I felt like a dog on a leash in a household that's fake and I hated every bit of it.

We woke up in the morning to the sunlight piercing the bedroom window and as I got out of bed, I kept reminding myself that I had to stay there or otherwise the citizens are going to burn me or something. Leaving just wasn't an option at that point. I felt so helpless.

Shortly after construction workers appeared and they, too. They laughed and shook hands quite eccentric right before a wrecking ball demolished the house we were supposed to live in.

The scenery changed and the grass on which we stood on, turned into dust; our house stood in ruin right in front of us.

I lost a home again and it hurt so bad..

#dream journal

[forwhat-feltlike-a-lifetime]

It was your home; an unusual flat in a huge complex with two secret entrances.

I had a key, but got lured outside from a girl seemingly suspicious. She was mid height, wore a white fluffy feather coat, had shoulder length ashblonde hair and a nose that pointed slightly upwards. When I saw her in your space I ran up to her, confronting her while shouting very loudly. At some point she was cornered and I remember her being visibly afraid.

I feel like I was chasing her at least four times - until I stood outside on the sidewalk, confused where I was. The door I got out from was full of Sharpie markings and ripped off sticker residue. No one would suspect to enter a home through it.

But your home was mostly empty, with cables across the floor, halfway set carpet floors and a few construction site lights.

I re-enter the door and the story begins anew.

#dream journal

[forwhat-feltlike-a-lifetime]

It was some kind of school, but everything was so wrong. I lost count on how many times I cried.

My phone had a virus and it did what it wanted. Pop-up after pop-up with videos of people I didn't know - even the background changed uncomfortably.

It was a new school and everyone was interested in each other. Some were beautiful people, some were literal monsters who slipped into a ten arm pyjama to get comfortable in a Crockpot. Others had giant lumps as feet, and others were weirdly tall.

I remember a school festival with a huge stadium, lights and people all around me wherever I looked. I ran to the bathrooms more often than I could count to lock me in and cry, and every time the door would lock even more poorly - giving me even less privacy.

The bathroom had the outside wall mostly broken open and the "door" was made of wood, painted playground blue. It didn't reach higher than my ribcage and the lock was a plastic lever to turn, also painted cyan.

Every time I went to cry in the ever changing bathrooms someone came to comfort me, but every time I stopped crying and went out again, the very person started flirting with me, asking me what I was looking for in a man or what traits I find attractive.

It was a vicious circle of being crowded, being uncomfortable, frustrated and going to cry in the bathroom stall, just to become uncomfortable again and spawning in a crowd again.

I woke up at least four times, just to continue this dream again.

#dream journal

[forwhat-feltlike-a-lifetime]

left to die

There was a lot going on but the end is what I remember most.

Chronically it was my sister's room. It was quite cluttered with dark red-pinkish walls and a really dirty carpet floor. I was mad she moved the bed around and over some stones to the other end of the room. It was a king size bed in black, with grey sheets and a lot of matching pillows.

My father appeared to perform brain surgery on me but his only utensil was a butter knife. He didn't wash his hands and everytime he set a cut, I saw the procedure in third person from above. I didn't bleed while he slowly opened my scalp.

We talked more than he worked and I was getting nervous.

At some point he mentioned that he should be hurrying because one half of my brain was dying and I physically felt the increase in malfunction. My eyesight got worse and I started losing my muscle control. My speech was distorted and I couldn't form a thought.

I can't remember him actually getting through my skull and when the cut on the back of my head was about 10cm wide he demanded I finish the surgery myself.

I was obviously incapable of saving my own life.

Not able to communicate my frustration rose through the roof and I started panicking when he handed me the butter knife and left the room. I wasn't even able to cry - the room was twisting and turning. Up and down were concepts I couldn't understand anymore and plants started to grow around me.

The furniture (except the bed) turned to stone and what once was the room of my sister was now a lonely green spot, far away from any humans.

I remember tipping over - face first into the grey sheets. I nearly suffocated; alone with a wound of an unfinished surgery and left behind. But my brain failed just a little bit earlier.

I feel horrible after waking up.

#dream journal

[forwhat-feltlike-a-lifetime]

I worked at the bakery business again for one evening and it was more stressful than I ever could imagine. The crowd of customers equaled the mass of a concert and so did the bakery. I worked for someone I didn't know, but "somebody else did".

While working there was a tiny man living in a ceramic plant house and he later rode the train down the hill with his best friend, systematically sitting behind the weapon wagon.

They shot a friendship picture of that in wild western style.

Later I got to visit your family because they needed help and I don't remember a home - but I didn't tell anybody. Your grandmother allowed me to un-root a part of your mother's family sink-clover bush and I buried it in the veins of my right arm so it wouldn't die.

#dream journal

[forwhat-feltlike-a-lifetime]

bugs and cakes

I was the proud owner of a small business which sold edible creatures of many kinds. What exactly those little treats were remains a mystery - even to me. The shop had bright wooden flooring, one small table booth and many lamps hanging from the ceiling. They felt more like gigantic lightbulbs floating in the air than real lamps, but nobody seemed to mind them. At least they didn't get in anyone's way; nor did they float too low so one could bump their head into them accidentally.

The amount of customers was insane. Practically I shouldn't have been able to see the booth by the shop window, but I saw my counter, the crowd AND what's behind them. Thinking about this now I must have had super vision or something.

The counter was filled with individually wrapped treats which looked like a fusion of bugs and cakes - we even had dirt with worms poking out of it; also put on display in a cupcake wrapper.

In stress I turned around to an opening door behind me. Entering my space behind the counter was the supposed mind behind the dubious cakes. So I thought, from the facts and knowledge about the creations behind the counter. Passion and sugar crumbled off your fingers, as you pointed to single treats, talking about how the green shimmer of one's wings is impossible so see with a tree's eyes or how another one was poisonous on weekdays.

I wasn't allowed to eat the treats myself, as none of the customers were human and, so I concluded, they'd kill me if I'd do.

#dream journal

[forwhat-feltlike-a-lifetime]

oh god the attendants were naked and obese

It was your home; wooden and white outside walls, long windows and the rooms were dressed in light wood, white and a soft pink.

The attendants for the show sat down at the white bench at the side of the inner yard. I remember looking for something and peeking underneath the bench-table, just to rush back up again in embarrassment.

They were naked - and extremely obese.

They were attendants for a Drag Show, which you managed. And with my next look at the benches top, the queens had disappeared. Only for my best friend to now sit just as naked and obese in front of me. At this point we've already had a long and intense conversation, as I noticed the extreme freckles which covered her body. I was convinced she didn't have those before. Confused by the freckles and still shocked by the picture of obese lower bodies I left the yard and headed for the backstage area - also known as your room. Reaching the doorway, which was covered in shiny purple fabric, many attendants passed by me. They started putting on their luscious hair and make-up, but nobody put on clothes.

Uncomfortable with the situation I shut the door to your room behind me and wished you were with me. I started washing some cloth by hand vigorously in the sink - I was in a hurry. I don't know why.

I remember the thought "what would my best friend do", and hurried even more.

Then the door opened. It was you. With a smile as bright as sunflowers you entered the room and shut the door behind you. You approached me, laid your arms around me and I felt okay again. We kissed - a lot and I forgot about the strange naked people outside this room.

#dream journal

[forwhat-feltlike-a-lifetime]

I finally had my own flat, in a neighborhood that's kinda liminal but reminded me of Berlin, my hometown.

I can't remember much but my flat had two big rooms, and sun-blinds made of tinted glass outside the building (approximately 10m away from the windows) and I was curious about how they worked. There were four switches besides the windows so I tried them out - the sun was going down anyway.

What I didn't realise was that there were construction workers working on or around the building and in the process of moving the blinds, they had to flip them manually and one of them broke their foot in the process - with the frame of the glass rocking back and fourth and him dangling with it, screaming in pain.

I had to look away.

I tried to walk off the shock and on my way back I lost my boot. At some point I wasn't walking anymore but was sitting in a cart; driving through tall grass. I remembered what Pokémon taught me and tried to get onto the pavement as fast as possible.

I didn't drive home in fact, I drove to town and met with two people I somehow knew. We went shopping in multiple shops and my outfit was very peculiar. I wore a black bodysuit with a navy blue and white striped bikini on top. Later an oversized army green striped/ripped shirt got added but I don't remember how.

Also after buying a whole carton of eggs and turning the bag around VERY lightly, EVERY EGG BROKE.

Which is exactly why I NEVER BUY EGGS.

#dream journal

[forwhat-feltlike-a-lifetime]

I found myself at the top of the mountain in the middle of a psychiatric hospital's green gardens and parks.

I wasn't alone - next to me stood a boy and a girl. They both got a thousand clones and the assignment was to run down the stairs of the mountain. All at once.

I didn't have clones, I was the only me in the crowd but I still took part in the experience.

On my way down I noticed every clone was wearing a different outfit - none of them looked the same.

I was the first arriving at the bottom; completely out of breath. I found myself now sitting on an asphalted path which led through the hospitals park.

A doctor or psychiatrist stood next to me and asked me how I felt. I responded with the obvious.

Then I remember her asking me to look up the mountain again.

From the bottom the mountains stairs looked impossibly high. I couldn't believe I just ran down all of them, and I even had fun doing it.

I looked back at her and she asked me again how I feel.

"I feel ... good, actually. That whole mountain of stairs looks impressive from here. But I did that."

She smiled and said: "It's important to compliment ourselves from time to time."

I realised nobody else reached the bottom. Everybody disappeared. And I understood it was my assignment, not the boys or the girls.

And then I woke up.

#dream journal

[forwhat-feltlike-a-lifetime]

I've dreamt about us again. And as every time you pop up in my dream, I wasn't sure where I stood in Ur regards.

We lived together but hardly spoke, I had my own room, your mom was there - it was a mess.y stuff cluttered up more and more space as time went on and I tried to collect it together the whole time - but I always lost some stuff somewhere else.

When you were gone I could still feel your heart, but there was a being of higher power killed.

I lay alone in my bed, after losing my socks in the bathtub and barely being able to hold on to the towel. It was then when I heard a "psst" from around the corner of my dressing drawer.

Out of the corner rolled three babies; the smallest one spoke without opening their eyes. It said they had been murdered by a man who can't be trusted. His eyes would move perfectly accurate to light and surprise so it's hard to find him. But I had a vision of two cashiers being held hostage in a shop with glass walls. I even got a vision how his eyes do that. He's not a human. And he's bald.

The truth must be found and I understood that the three babies are one collective being.

On my way to find the truth I met a shapeshifter, drove a truck to escape after a failed flashmob in which I danced with your sister (but didn't know the moves OR the song and hilariously fell on my head and laughed myself nearly to death), saw a giraffe turn into a monkey and a massive amount of business people being released onto the greens in a free-life zoo.

#dream journal

[forwhat-feltlike-a-lifetime]

We got married and it was horrible to say at least.

The wedding itself had no ceremony; we didn't even get to really spend time together. People surrounded me of whom I neither knew nor liked. They made fun of me the whole duration of the dream.

The ring on my finger was too big and was awfully salmon coloured - with one half lighter and one half darker; and a thin golden line separating those two colours. It was ugly.

There was a BBQ in the living room but we two never got to eat together. You hang with those humanoids - they influenced you and it felt like you started to make fun of me, too. I felt so horrible all I wanted was to spend time with you but those humanoids had you whole.

I felt so miserable.

#dream journal

[forwhat-feltlike-a-lifetime]

I relapsed. And I had exactly two seconds of hesitation.

Collective apartment structure, red brick walls on the outside, floor deep windows with white frames. It has always been dawn outside.

We were a lot of people around the same age - I most fondly remember a black haired girl, grunge-esque aesthetic, tired but good hearted.

There was a party going on in the whole complex - inside walls white, here and there thick black cables strapped across the floor.

Two men sat with me on a dark wood bench table; one of whom brought crystals which he had made himself. They were baby blue.

The sound of crushing said crystals burned itself into my head. It still echoes in there even after hours of being awake.

I had a thought of hesitation, but that didn't last long and before I knew it a well known feeling rushed through me. A push I haven't felt in what now sums up to a little over two years now.

It felt so real the euphoria woke me up.

That dream set my recovery to zero. All my mental capacity revolves around that crushing sound and that euphoric push.

Late entry after spending the day fidgeting, cramping and lip chewing until I needed medication to calm me down.

This is not a desirable state to be in.

#dream journal #relapse #i hate this

[forwhat-feltlike-a-lifetime]

I had a very short night's sleep

Tonight I had my own tattoo studio.

Remember the Ministry of Magic from Harry Potter? Well, the studio had a similar aesthetic.

My old boss used to rule this place but unfortunately had to sell it, because he and his studio went bankrupt.

Right from the start we were four tattoo artists. The atmosphere was peaceful and I was proud of what I built up for myself.

There was a rich customer I remember waiting for at least an hour, just to talk to me and I felt extremely confident in my work. The design he showed me was a bit confusing but not out of my league - a panthers head in abstract patterns, and a woman's head slightly behind it. There were pinks and blues on the edge of the paper and I wasn't sure if it should be included in the design.

Before finding out I woke up - but I still got the design in my head framed like a picture.

#dream journal