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fresh-widow · 4 months
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No Thank You, Narcissus
I have told Margaret so many times, I do not want narcissus bulbs, but she gave them to me again, just like she does every fucking year. I do not like narcissus bulbs and she is so fucking self-absorbed. Margaret is queen and the queen is all about her, gives all her white privileged asshole boring friends narcissus bulbs and I’m just one of her paper whites. Paper whites being the common name given to narcissus bulbs given by narcissists queens to their pathetic subjects for the past ten thousand years. She’s dumped them on me 4 or 5 times already and I’ve killed them all.
I went to a dinner party of hers a couple months ago and there I met all of her friends and they were all very boring self absorbed people. Margaret is skin flint cheap. She served us chicken, although I’ve told her so many times that fowl is the one thing I will never eat.
Being a widow and said artist, Margaret calls me regularly whereas everyone else I know is up to their ears in boyfriends husbands and children and that is the only reason why I put up with her. But I don’t invite her into my house at all and I go out and meet her when I want to go out someplace but fuck I think I’d rather go out someplace by myself because last night I brought my sketchbook and I just couldn’t sketch because she was just vampiring off of my energy, Not listening to a word I said just telling me the same thought chain she’s had in her head for two years. I try not to burn bridges in my old age and Margaret hasn’t done anything to me personally but I just want to avoid her. European people are not as neurotic like they are in America, in this country everybody is a bag of worms. We just don’t know what you’re dealing with, nearly everybody’s possessed. Messing around with people from this country is like opening up a bag of worms.
But yeah I have to completely minimize hanging out with her. It’s like hanging out with a tick. And she supposed to be an artist and I’ve been trying to her to get To make art for decades and she’s just a drone ass motherfucker. Boring as shit. Consume consume consume energy vampire. I have to find a creative circle of people that’s what I’m going to do. Catholics are problematic I find in general and Margaret is raised Catholic and if anybody raised Catholic still embodies any Catholicism at all I hate them. I have rejected all the bullshit from Catholicism for the most part and if people are like prudish about sex I’m like fuck you. Stop whining like a virgin.
I know am mildly socially retarded and don’t attract tons of friends. But that’s fine I’m not here to make friends, I like making art. Just have to check my own codependency and not respond to bullshit at all ever which means I won’t be talking to Margaret. I know it’s not OK to act happy and nice all the time but I default to it because I just want people to stay the fuck away from me and get away from me as soon as possible without argument. In this country and especially in California I find I am surrounded by neurotic people And I do not want to prick their balloon of trauma or whatever, it is a mess.
I’m going to give away the narcissus bulbs on the fb page.Any narcissists out there who would like some narcissus bulbs?
I do say no all the time, but a narcissist just can not hear the word no!
Anyway my New Year’s resolution is to hang out with somebody else. A fresh bag of worms so to speak ha ha.
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fresh-widow · 8 months
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Trucks
The astrological weather has been intense. Two weeks ago I was at the children’s library returning children’s books. I had one new book in my hand Maurice Sendak I believe chicken soup with rice. Then I hear a loud screeching of brakes and a big deafening boom. Everybody runs to the back of the library and we go into the hallway behind the children’s room and someone says a truck crashed into the Library wall. Kind of like being on the titanic, children were on settled parents trying to calm them it was sheer luck that the truck hit the wall right next to the glass door entrance of the library rather than coming into the library. Also luckily it missed totaling my car but totally totaled somebody else’s car parked car and a bicycle. After waiting for the vehicle to explode and it didn’t, Exited through the upstairs and a woman with a small baby who was the eyewitness told the police that one car was going really fast and hit another car and the truck slammed into the library wall and the passenger of the truck fled as did the driver of the small car that got totaled. The driver of the truck was pulled out and waiting for the ambulance she was not in good shape. A week later, our friend borrows my truck (which I am in the process of selling and just sunk a bunch of money into) and the clutch goes out for the second time in a month. The morning before I lent the truck I tripped and tore my knee up pretty bad which was foreboding. There was an extremely uncomfortable week of back-and-forth about who is responsible for paying for the damage for that, which, with the help of my trusty mechanic, is finally settled. Hopefully the truck is solid now and I hope to sell it soon.
Dog walking last night, was full of crazy people, a toothless woman laying on the sidewalk, a skinny dirty young man with his jeans around his ankles, and someone holding a drink obliviously stumbling out into the intersection. Unsettling. I’ve been up since three, heard a few early morning gunshots up the street.
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fresh-widow · 9 months
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I’m bucking up, but I am sad. People now isolate for any fucking reason. People are afraid of each other people are afraid to live. More afraid to live than to die. Having a social event, two old friends who live very close just can’t make it because you know, something might happen. Even though one of them was living with her husband who had Covid, and she didn’t get it the whole time, she’s still staying home to stay safe. I went to the museum last night, and what used to be an extensive art collection, was mostly put in storage, to rewrite history which would be fine I don’t give a shit history is a play thing of ghosts after all, but the art was just so fucking bad it was like a political statement that had to be correct, “Tyranny of niceness is the foundation of fascism.” I used to be political.
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fresh-widow · 9 months
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The Social Contact of A Spinster On Vacation
Random Mafia Don looking man at a taqueria told me I had the cutest dog on the planet
Salty Dog asked if I wanted my numerology chart done, twice
Drunken folks asked me for a High Five- I High Fived the woman
Hippies with loose dogs said I like your hat.
Random interest in my 1999 Toyota RAV by a man who also had one.
The next day I went to meet my brother-in-law and an extended party of friends and family. His current intern is in her late 40's. Her husband died 25 years ago, she found him dead after being married 6 months. They were high school sweethearts. That was a direct pivot for her, she never had another serious relationship again.
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fresh-widow · 10 months
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Ageism
I have good family, I have had good friends. As we age, some of us get a little judgey. Perhaps it's the world that has gotten judgey, who am I to judge?
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fresh-widow · 10 months
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Animals Over People
More loss. Loss after loss. Change. Such is life. Five years without B, and I suspect i am not pathetic enough for this friend a and I am happy- that means she can accuse me of white privlede. It's odd that white liberal do gooders who are so filled with fear and hate that they feel the need to judge anyone less brainwashed.
Friends w this woman 30 years. Had a phone convo with her yesterday after months of dead air. I am telling her the good things happening in my life and she has me on speaker. The only contribution she has to the convo is to put a bullet into my "things are going well" balloon. I’m sad because this old friend has not aged well emotionally. She spends her life making art, smoking, following the “news” and waiting on her boyfriend who has her locked out of their finances. She is well read and intelligent democrat who is addicted to The Science in the  I’m Right and You’re Stupid judgey black and white liberal fascism, and all her problems are other people.
You ever have someone in your life that gives you material items you don’t want all the time because they want power and control ? seems to be a pattern. I had 3 three people, who would give me all their crap they didn't want though I was like, please I am getting rid of stuff. This attribute is a red flag to me at this point.
I’m back to keeping a journal I really need to realign my time w purposeful and peaceful relationships 💚
July 17th, 2023 9:08am animalsoverpeople widow status
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fresh-widow · 10 months
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Fuck
Thursday I had a full body massage- much needed- it was the second one in light years. It was great and he was quite skilled in the art. But also made it clear (in a non pushy way) that it could be sexual. He was probably 35 and theoretically good looking, but I imagine he solicits older woman for a reason.😘$$$$
Bolinas with Margaret and the dogs yesterday- we also briefly checked out  at several truly awful crafts fairs. She’s one of the friends that worries whether I spend holidays alone. Oh but I love nothing better! We had fun hiking and went to Chinatown for soup then out for a beer. Dogs have been glued to be for a year and ¾ and cry the whole time if I don’t take them everywhere. 
Last week of work, I can’t wait to get to my projects!
Yeah the massage therapist was so suave. Asked me in the beginning if there is any place on my body that is off limits. I, unsuspectingly, said, my neck. After he worked on my for an hour and a half and I was in another zone of consciousness practically asleep, he was massaging my stomach, swiping closer to the top of my pubic mound, then said, would it feel good if I massaged your public area? I was like, OF COURSE IT WOULD. BUT THAT WOULD BE INAPPROPRIATE.
He was like a snake charmer. I was in a trance. Later I realized I’m surer he was looking at my genitals. 
I’m a widow. I need therapeutic touch. WHO THE FUCK CAN I TRUST? Yeah, from now on I’ll stick to women. 
My favorite Oracle, Erin Shade in her weekly energy update this week said, “Watch out for backbiting/ avoid weird sexual encounters this week” . So hilarious because I also had to literally pull on of the toddlers off of biting the other kids in that back for days!
I got a lot to do today but feel like chilling.
December 12th, 2021 10:12am widow trust grief shady massage creepy violation
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fresh-widow · 10 months
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Inward
Doing the work. I realize this is a time of transformation, but it doesn’t come without pain. Art, cards, outdoors and creatures to levitate my draggy soul.
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fresh-widow · 10 months
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Today’s Metaphor
2021 or so
Today one of my infant charges threw his teething ring through the cat door. I pushed it back, stuck my hand in there, discovering a crevice filled with sawdust, another toy, and a mega dust bunny of fuzz and dirt. Much to the interest of the children I scooped out about 7 big handfuls of filth and tossed it.
An accurate metaphor for my social life this week. A week ago one of my closest allies since B died flipped on me in a psychotic rageathon. She texted me something late one night. I replied flippantly. Something which -as friends-we were comfortable doing. She texted back, FUCK OFF and “LEAVE MY STATE” and accused me of every politically incorrect crime she could think off.
We had helped each other enormously in the past three years. Equally.
I’m currently in the process of clearing out the things she dumped on me these last three years. Things I didn’t need- but some people seem to think that because I have a house I need the crap that they themselves have bestowed significance to. Mucking out the grossest deep darkest filthy pocket in the house is a metaphor for not responding to this former friend’s social media goad. Purged! I guess you just never truly know someone.
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fresh-widow · 10 months
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Drudge
Being the middle child, I identified with Cinderella. Somehow, in the midst of being a rebel, an artist, and a slob, I managed to make a career in pretty much what was once called Home Economics. I cook, I tidy, I take care of children and dogs. The cat takes care of me. 
Being a widow pretty much cements the second class citizen status but that’s okay, I revel in secondary roles, as the middle child. Middle management and all that. I do it well. I am rewarded and well compensated. But I miss him. He is there, but I still miss him.
Then I have a whole other inner life. Art. 
I’m so tired.
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fresh-widow · 10 months
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The Preexisting Conditions
Demi-dogs and Republi-cats
Good cop bad cop-
It’s the same
One world order.
Pro fascism
It’s a great cure for
The Pandemonium.
Buy more stay home bot war
Big pharma fake phood are
The preexisting conditions.
All aboard the pandemic ship-
Everyone must do exactly the same
Or it’s just not safe.
One shot two shot red shot blue shot
Absolutely no guarantee.
Sign here_______________.
You’ve handed your life over to
A one size fits for profit corporation
Pre-absolved of any and all liability.
I’d pledge allegiance
To buy more shit but
I believe in vaccinations
I believe in vaccinations that actually work.
I think we should vacumn pack our minds
And seal everything in all the plastic
That we’ve been consuming anyway
I think there should be a spray on solution
Maybe huffing more Lysol
Would help us think of a better one
And what about Round Up
Isn’t it in just about everything?
According to the science
It’s benign, you can drink it.
It’s the secret ingredient in our food
and in our water
Blows holes wide open
In the gut
Mutating the brain.
I think we are are a selfish species
What about all the other species that have gone
Extinct because of our homosapiencentric selves?
Well,
What if we  fix the water the air and the earth first?
Stop poisoning ourselves,
And the plant and animal kingdom
That sustains all life?
Hail Science! We must
Mandate experimental  vaccines for children.
Ruining their immune systems for profit
So that the elderly might live to 110.
Lots more pills  to be sold
To keep the old
Frankensteins alive.
One shot- it’s not as effective as
Two shots. Whoops not good enough.
Three shots? Nah
A shot in the ass daily
Might do the trick and anyway,
The focus is just to get us
Back to to business as usual
With extra surveillance
To  insure the insatiable corporations
Get their extra share
Of mass destruction.
We are so conditioned
To unconvincing half truths and
Conflictingly statistical proof
Via sound bite brain washing blips
Big Science knows
How to keep people buying more shit.
There is only one idea to sell a seat
On the global airplane game.
Hurry up it’s a win all
Or lose everything kind of situation.
Humanity’s strained immune system
Was just discovered by the Frankenstein flu.
Can’t we just buy more shit
To make it all go away?
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fresh-widow · 10 months
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Doppleganger Blog
So it turns out I put 9 posts on a tumblr doppleganger blog. So I exported them. Not sure if I will continue here or drag everything over to wordpress.
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fresh-widow · 1 year
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Dark night of soul rather than dark knight of soul. My mystic puppy has a broken pelvis and I am taking care of him. Slow and steady wins this race. Getting a lot of quality time with the dog and cat, and losing my marginal social skills. Having an art making salon here in a few weeks and trying not to think about it but friends have been asking and it would be nice if we could actually get together for tea and to make some art. Grieving takes on new proportions after any major setback. I need to run, I need to finish my book, The day before my birthday it will be FIVE YEARS since I lost B, whom I spent half my life with. You never get over anything like that and nothing compares.
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fresh-widow · 1 year
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Since B died I have ended two friendships with blowhard narcissists. Then I realize my newest friend, also a widow, is also an arrogant insecure selfish cunt. I treat friends very well but for a year Margaret would not shut up about the drama of this man she was supposedly in a relationship with. Everything is always about her. He met none of her friends and she met none of his basically they were in the closet for a year. His dad was dying and she would not stop bugging him to go to the symphony with him. So he dumped her for good reason. Then his dad died and he needed to get fucked so now they’re fucking again and I could care less. I listened to her wrap her entire life around whether or not he would text her for a year and I am so done. I finally told her I was bored of dissecting this guy that I never met.
The day after they reunited she invited me over for leftover halibut. who the fuck invites anybody over for old fish? I told her I am not hungry and bored of hearing about that guy. She said then don’t come over. I replied if you can’t honor my simple request, ok I won’t. She then acquiesced. I stopped by after my chiropractic appointment with two mole oyster mushroom tacos, ate them in front of her then left after an hour because she is a jerk.
Been busy working too much, tonight I am off, hanging with my puppy and my cat and making art.
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fresh-widow · 2 years
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I flew my broom to Massachusetts to attend my father-in-law‘s memorial. It was a weird time warp, seeing people I hadn’t seen in 30 years. The house was a geodesic dome fractal Lego light beyond words situation of astounding architectural beauty. My friend Qorey had given me a 1960s wool patterned maroon mod dress that had been her mother’s to wear to the memorial, I wore it with clashing plaid leggings. I like to have fun, despite that I have to appear like a ghost without my darling beloved dragon partner protector. I am a widow. Cursed, perhaps a series of age life ending energies create a certain off putting glow around my ever lightening hair, removing eyebrow hairs one by one until I become invisible. Oh and just shut up, you don’t make sense without a cock by your side, Ma’am.
Oh. If you run into an old friend you haven’t seen in 30 odd years, don’t ever tell him that he looks good. I always act the same as if B was still alive, however the cold wind slaps me in the face. If you are a widow, that means that you’re at the bottom of the social status, and despite the pseudofeminist politically correct people I think I know , some gag reflex kicks in when it comes to becoming single by death, perhaps I should have worn a burka. Apparently in this death denying country we live in no one has ever figured out what it’s like to be a widowed white woman, you can’t say shit when you see friends you haven’t seen in 30 years, shit like, you look good, no, you must be needing to get fucked. It’s all about cock didn’t you know? Cock is the most fucking valuable thing there is, period, and now you’re without it. I made the mistake of telling an old friend he looked good. Didn’t mean anything by it, would’ve been fine if Ben was still alive, and the guy is married a feminist friend of mine, thought he was enlightened——but oops, I crossed the taboo line and he immediately mentioned his wife, who is a way better friend of mine. I managed to squeeze in later on in the conversation that I’m not looking for a man, duh. But it’s fucking weird. The old double standard. If your friend has a husband, you gotta dance around that bullshit like I never had to do it when my husband was alive.Cock is more valuable than gold obviously. A peck on the cheek, then they run away, scared. Suddenly I have a vagina that could swallow them whole, the contagious curse of death that I remind them of, plus I’m not under 30 and forget to censor myself, I act like I still have a partner who desires me. Because I was loved and love I find is eternal. If you can embody the transcendental love of your mother, there is no reason for not feeling the love of the person who loved me most.
Fuck.
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fresh-widow · 2 years
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The ability to do everything for myself and everybody I suppose comes to me with age and being raised a peasant and for that I am grateful. Grateful that I can walk, lift, carry, pick fruit, cook, and all that. I do have a bit of clumsiness when it comes to tools and building projects maybe because construction was never my strong point and now I see every nail that’s falling out of rotting wood and say I’ll get to that then promptly forget about it, whatever.
It’s been an emotional week. I have to be grateful for the people who are truly kind and not bitter and be careful to nurture that side of my self, because some people are kind, and some people just aren’t. Like, every fix it dude that comes down the pipe to do anything comes with attitude.
I have so many starts to finish writing my book but have been out of the writing habit. This is a surface skimming post, in preparation to get real.
Later.
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fresh-widow · 2 years
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House clearing. Both dogs gone. P left 6/7, CC 7/9. I’m on a staycation, doing stuff around the house and just taking care of myself, Luther, and my friend’s cat while they are on sabbatical. Painting today. Maybe get around to pickling beets.
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